UPJOKE

Have You Heard The One About Jokes

Have you heard the one about blind hookers?

You've really got to hand it to them.

Have you heard the one about the pirate boxer?

He's got a mean left hook.

Have you heard the one about Carlos Mencia?

He probably already stole it.

Have you heard the one about the procrastinator?

I’ll tell you later.

Have you heard the one about the gas lighter?

Yes you have, I know you have, don't say you haven't.

Have you heard the one about the gaslighter?

Yeah you have. I’ve told you before. I have. No I have, you’re mistaken. Well if you can’t remember it that’s a clear sign of everything that’s wrong with our relationship, isn’t it? You always get like this

Have you heard the one about the jump rope?

Never mind, skip it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard the one about the woman with twelve breasts?

Me neither, but it sounds uncomfortable, dozen tit?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard the one about the President and the porn star?

No?

You should really watch something other than Fox News.

Have you heard the one about the sick chemist?

If you can't helium and you can't curium, you'll probably have to barium.

HEY! I've got a joke. Have you heard the one about the deaf guy?

Neither did he.

Have you heard the one about the retired baker

Of course you haven’t . No one has for years .

Have you heard the one about rim jobs?

It's very tongue in cheek.

Have you heard the one about the hydroxide ion?

Nevermind, it's really basic

Have you heard the one about the woman who was saved from a river by a crane operator?

It’s an uplifting story

Have you heard the one about the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia?

He stayed up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard the one about the butter?

I can't tell it to you, I'm afraid you might spread it.

Have you heard the one about the parrot?

Have you heard the one about the parrot that memorized the entire Bible?




Yeah, appearently the bird is the word.

Have you heard the one about the electrician making a mistake

I hear it's shocking

Have you heard the one about the man who got ticketed for blockading his local river?

It's a dam fine joke, if I do say so myself.

Have you heard the one about the dwarf who abuses his tall wife?

It's a little offensive.

But a real knee slapper.

Hey Reddit, have you heard the one about the earthen cow?

Nevermind .. it's just another terra-bull joke.

Have you heard the one about the shy Native American?

He was quite reserved.

Have you heard the one about Net Neutrality?

THIS POST HAS BEEN BLOCKED BY YOUR INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER. PAY $10 TO SEE THIS GREAT JOKE.

Have you heard the one about the bed?

They haven't made it yet...

Have you heard the one about a roof?

I heard it just goes over peoples heads.

Have you heard the one about the baby with AIDS?

It never gets old.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Have you heard the one about Charlie Brooker's sex club?"

"No. Wait, what? Charlie Brooker has a sex club?"

"Yeah man, **wild** orgies, *very* selected members".

"Oh my. All right, so what happened?"

"One of the women attended an orgy and gave everyone gonorrhea".

"Oh Jesus! That's awful! What did Charlie do?"

"...

Have you heard the one about the untouched coal pit?

Never mined.

We've all heard the one about the twin boys - once you've seen Juan you've seen Jamal. But have you heard the one about the twin girls -

Sharon is Karen.

Have you heard the one about the broken jack-in-the-box?

If not it doesn't surprise me.

Have you heard the one about the constipated stoner?

Try as he might, he just couldn't get off the pot.

Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground?

Well well well...

Have you heard the one about the farmer whose letter was returned to him?

Yeah... It's a repost.

Have you heard the one about the late pizza guy?

Just gotta work on the delivery.

Have you heard the one about the family who couldn't afford to pay the exorcist?

Their house was repossessed.

[OC] Have you heard the one about the Dothraki Sea?

Me neither, but I'll *khal* you if I do!

Have you heard the one about the angry mob?

It's a riot.

Have you heard the one about the guy that got locked out of his house after having Italian for dinner?

He had gnocchi...


Credit: twitter user @Mostly_Cheese

Have you heard the one about the failed Swedish car company?

I'd tell it to you, but nobody likes a Saab story.

Have you heard the one about the suicidal farmer that liked to mutilate cows?

He was a danger to himself and udders.

3 jokes told to me by an older gentleman at the grocery store

Have you heard the one about the jump rope? That’s OK we’ll skip it.

Have you heard the one about the bed? It hasn’t been made up yet.

Do you know why blind people don’t skydive? It scares the hell out of the dog.

Backstory: I have pretty severe PTSD and things like running t...

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