UPJOKE

Have You Heard Jokes

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?

They’re making head lines.

Everyone’s heard of Cunningham’s Law - “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?

It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.

Linda and Martha are talking. "Have you heard of the Bechdel Test?" asks Linda.

"Yes," answers Martha. "My boyfriend told me about it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the new sex position called the Liz Truss?

That's when you give her a weak Pound, then immediately leave the House.

Have you heard of Y2K jelly?

It allows you to insert four digits into your date where you could previously only fit two.

Have you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet?

Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.

Have you heard the joke about the gas lighter?

Yes, you have.

Have you heard about the man who got cooled to absolute zero??

He's 0K now.

Have you heard the joke about gaslighting?

Because I think you have. No, seriously.

Have you heard the joke about paper? It’s terrible. Have you heard the joke about prostitution?…

It’s horrible…

Have you heard about Pavlov's experiment?

Doesn't ring a bell.

Have you heard of the leader of the bovine communist movement?

Cow Zedong, better known as Chairman Cow.

Great guy.

Had the most mooving speeches.

Have you heard about giant with diarrhea?

Its all over town

Have you heard the one about the pirate boxer?

He's got a mean left hook.

Have you heard the song about the pork sausage?

It's a banger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the Viagra shipment that was stolen?

The police are on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Have you heard about the new braille laxative?

It's touch and go.

Have you heard about that singer with muscle atrophy?

He calls himself the weakened.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the man that had five penises ?

His boxers fit like a glove

Have you heard about the gynecologist who quit his job?

Yeah so he became a mechanic.

Went to school and for the first test, he had to disassemble then reassemble an engine.

He got a %150. He got confused and asked his teacher how he got that grade.

Teacher says, "I gave you %50 for taking it apart, %50 for reassembling it and runnin...

Have you heard of a guy who stole a calendar.

He got 12 months.

Have you heard about the haunted golf course?

It had a bogeyman.

Have you heard of the Native American tribe that always get lost?

Weadafuhkahwee

Have you heard about the new flatbread conspiracy theorists?

They're out to convince all naan believers.

Have you heard of the cross-eyed teacher?

She couldn’t control her pupils

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard the one about the President and the porn star?

No?

You should really watch something other than Fox News.

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

Have you heard the story of the two skunks named In and Out?

They lived in the forest with their mother skunk. And whenever In was in, Out was out. And whenever In was out, Out was in.

One day, when In was out and Out was in, mother skunk said to Out, "Out, I need you to go out and bring In in."

So Out went out and immediately brought In in. <...

Have you heard about the skunk who went to church?

He had his own pew.

Have you heard of this thing called 'Hyperbole'?

Holy S#!t, it's the best goddamn thing in the entire universe.

Have you heard about the guy who stopped a fight at a butcher shop?

He's a real mediator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard of the new camouflage condoms?

Now they'll never see you cumming!

Have you heard the one about Carlos Mencia?

He probably already stole it.

Have you heard about the PR disaster at EA over Battlefront 2?

*60,000 credits*

Have you heard about the guy stealing wheels of police cars?

The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Have you heard about the rising political tensions between yogurt and penicillin? One side is probiotic, and the other is antibiotic.

They're calling it a culture war.

Have you heard of the band 923 Megabytes?

Probably not, they haven't had a gig yet.

Have you heard the one about the procrastinator?

I’ll tell you later.

Have you heard about the most famous cow in history?

It was Legen-Dairy

Have you heard my unemployment joke?

Yeah, it needs a little work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

Have you heard the Jimmy Dean song about the huge, uninviting toilet?

It's called "Big Bad John."

Have you heard of the electric monk?

He's enlightening.

Have you heard about the new show about mountain goats?

Every episode ends on a cliffhanger.

Have you heard of NVIDIA's new crypto graphics card?

It's the 4090 FTX.

It only has one massive meltdown and you have to send it to the bahamas for repair.

Have you heard about the new Star Trek Christmas movie?

It’s The Wreath of Khan

Have you heard of the naked guy who insults people for not being devoted to Buddha?

Talk about the rudest nudist Buddhist

Have you heard of an Australian kiss?

.. it’s like a French kiss but down under!!

Have you heard about the film they're making, where Dallas gets destroyed by space junk?

Debris Does Dallas.

Have you heard about the joke about the inner eye?

It’s aqueous humor.

Have you heard the story about the guy who drowned at the cheesemaking factory?

It's whey over the top

Have you heard about the cross-eyed circumciser?

He got the sack.

Have you heard about the store that sells used Indian clothing?

Whose sari now?

Have you heard about the helium shortage?

It's only gotten worse with inflation.

Have you heard of Cardi B’s sister, fitness influencer?

Her name is Cardi O

Have you heard about what the necromancer movie director did?

He ordered the whole film to be reanimated.

Have you heard of the international bathroom?

When you go there, you're Russian.
Once there, European.

At the the end, you're Finnish.

Have you heard about the old geography teacher who kept wetting his bed?

His only weakness was in continents.

Hey, have you heard of the guy with a completely flat face?

No?

I didn't think so, he likes to keep a low profile.

Have you heard 69ing will now officially be known as 96ing?

Due to inflation, eating out has gone up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard of the magician who sexually harassed his showgirls?

His name was David Cop a Feel

Have you heard the joke about trickle down economics

98% of people don’t get it.

Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero, Bophades?

He was a lot like Achilles, he had only one weakness, but instead of his heel, it was his groin. You may have heard of Achilles’ heel but have you heard of Bophades’ nuts?

Have you heard like 50% of Chinese people have cataracts?

Yeah, I guess the other 50% drive "rincoln towncah".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard the joke about my willy?

It's a bit too long for here really

Have you heard the one about the electricians triplets?

An electrician is working on a light in his house. His heavily pregnant wife receives a call from the doctor, who informs her that she is having triplets. Overjoyed at the news she rushes into the room where her husband is working.


“Honey, the doctor called. We’re having triplets! What s...

Have you heard they’ve banned accounting in Afghanistan??

Apparently there’s a Tally Ban.

Have you heard about the kid who was raised by Dolphins?

He went on to live a life of porpoise

Have you heard of the Michael Jackson diet?

You just have to start with the man in the mirror, and ask him to change his weighs.

Have you heard about the movie “Constipation?”

No?
That’s because it hasn’t come out yet

Have you heard of grave robbers?

Apparently the catholic Church didn't get that message

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the new Viagra for women?

It’s called Niagara…keeps ‘em wet for 3 days!

Have you heard of the tribe called the Fugawi?

The average height of each adult was about 4ft. They would go jump amid the tall grass fields with their call "We're the Fugawi! We're the Fugawi!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard of the new sex move called the pistachio?

No? Well, it’s when a girl pees on your face and you get some in your moustache.

Have you heard of Schrodinger's cake?

You can have it and eat it.

As long as no one looks.

-Have you heard of Murphy's Law

\-Yes, anything can go wrong will go wrong

\-What's about Cole's law?

\-No

\-It's a thin-slice cabbage dripped in mayonnaise and sour cream

Have you heard about the rioting in Baltimore?

So far they've caused 4 million dollars in improvements.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the orgy at the campground?

It’s fucking in tents.

Have you heard the story of the Spanish magician?

He was on stage one day and said "Uno...dos..." and then he disappeared without a tres.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the peanut rapist?

He's out there and he's fucking nuts! If you're not careful, he'll cashew.

Have you heard of conjunctivitis dot com?

It's a site for sore eyes.

Have you heard about the political party that’s using really good weed to promote their political views and opinions?

It’s propaganja.

Have you heard the joke about the roof?

You haven’t? Never mind, it’s no great loss as you wouldn’t understand it.

It’s over your head.

Me : Have you heard about whats happening in china

Friend: No

me: neither have they

Have you heard of the musical condoms?

They started a rubber band.

Have you heard of the wooden car?

It has a wooden steering wheel, wooden seats, wooden engine, and it wooden go

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about re-usable condoms?

Yep you take them off and shake the fuck out of them.

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?

It’s got good food, but there’s no atmosphere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the constipated detective?

No shit Sherlock

Have you heard about Big Al's younger brother who was just average.

Have you heard about Big Al's younger brother who was just average.


I've heard he's Norm Al.

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

Have you heard about the italian chef who died?

He pasta way.

- Have you heard of a scientist who froze himself at -273°C?

— No, what happened to him?

— Don't worry, he is 0K

Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?

It's just nuts.

Have you heard the one about the gaslighter?

Yeah you have. I’ve told you before. I have. No I have, you’re mistaken. Well if you can’t remember it that’s a clear sign of everything that’s wrong with our relationship, isn’t it? You always get like this

Have you heard the joke about the CIA?

Neither have I. They say it's classified.

Have you heard Mariah Carey is releasing a new album?

Her greatest hits are about to drop.

Have you heard? Melinda Gates, Mackenzie Scott, and Justine Musk are starting their own rocket company!

They are calling it Space-Ex’s and their rockets are guaranteed to go pren-up up up.

Have you heard about Marx's tomb?

They say it's a Communist plot

Have you heard about the new Covid strain going around?

The symptoms include loss of taste and smell, descent into horrific raving madness from gazing at Cthulu's twisted visage, and runny nose.

It's the Necromnicon variant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard that joke about pussy?

Well I would tell it, but I don't really get it...

Have you heard about the dyslexic spy who got caught with a suitcase nuke in the post office?

Fission mailed!

Have you heard about the man who goes around knocking on doors?

"Doesn't ring a bell"

"That's him!"

Have you heard of that new bird disease?

Corvid-19?

Have you heard about the new Broadway act based on the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

Have you heard that Texas froze over?

Now we've just got to wait for the flying pigs.

You've all heard of Murphy's Law, but have you heard of Cole's Law?

It's shredded cabbage and carrot in mayonnaise.

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