UPJOKE

Have You Ever Heard Of Jokes

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over ...

Have you ever heard of the brave little German boy who can only count to 3?

He knows no vier

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Last bullshit of the year. Have you ever heard of the greatest chinese cowboy

His name was Yee Ha

Have you ever heard of the world's largest pickle?

It's kind of a big dill.

Have you ever heard of the mexican train killer?

He had loco motives

Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?

He was one of the heroes who fought in the Trojan War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held ...

Have you ever heard of Clinton Soup?

It consists of a weenie in hot water

Have you ever heard of Supermans powerless cousin?

Norm-El

Have you ever heard of the ancient Greek philosopher Garglades?

Garglades nuts, lol

Have you ever heard of emo pizza?

You haven’t, well it’s the type that cuts itself

Have you ever heard of Pavlov's dogs?

Hmm... it rings a bell.

Have you ever heard of the illusion of choice?

Never mind, of course you have.

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Have you ever heard of students having sex with their professor to pass an exam?

This is what I'd call a real penetration test.

Have you ever heard of the invention of the shovel?

It was ground breaking.

Have you ever heard of the kid who got lost mid sentence?

Me neither

Have you ever heard of the restaurant on the moon?

The food is out of this world, but it has no atmosphere.

Have you ever heard of Murphy’s law?

-Yeah, whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

What about Cole’s law?

-Ugh...

Sliced cabbage mixed with mayonnaise and other vegetables

Have you ever heard of bird west?

It’s just one of the cardinal directions.

Have you ever heard of the "walk of shame"?

It's when you are redditing on the toilet for so long that your legs fall asleep and you have to walk back the recliner like an octopus.

Have you ever heard of the Bowling Ball Killer?

He waits till he sees a group of people standing in a perfect bowling pin formation and then that's when he strikes. Very disturbing.

(not mine, but my partner's joke)

You're heard of manspreading, but have you ever heard of womanspreading?

It's when a car takes up 2 parking spaces.

Have you ever heard of the remote petri culture?

They have different jeans then the rest.

Have you ever heard of the movie "Constipation"?

No?

Most likely because it never came out.

Have you ever heard of Christmas Adam?

It comes before Eve and isn't nearly as satisfying

Have you ever heard of the French kiss?

We have something similar here in Australia, it's like the French one only down under.

My girlfriend asked me: "Have you ever heard of a scare-plant?"

I asked: "What's a scare-plant?"

Her: "BamBOO!"

Have you ever heard of the ckicken plant?

I guess the eggplant came first!

I work at a grocery store and a guy in the produce department told me this. He thought it was hilarious

Have you ever heard of the paralysed man who aspired to become a stand-up comedian?

He figured sitcoms suited him better.

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Have you ever heard of the international feline butt scratching award? .

I hear it's a catastrophe

Have you ever heard of the similarities between a choo choo tran and a brthday?

Neither have i

(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar...

Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

I met a person claiming to be the greatest lumberjack.

I asked "How do you know, you are the greatest"

Well, have you ever heard of the sahara forest ?

I replied you mean the Sahara desert ?

Well I guess they call it that now.

Martians arrive on earth

They're peaceful and happy and everyone loves them. Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask them so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions. Finally it is the p...

Wanna hear my joe rogan impression

It’s entirely possible to have a chimpanzee read a audiobook have you ever heard of chimpanzees JAMIE google chimpanzees

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Sportsman's Callenge

(25/M) I was at the bar the other night. Early. I could read my book, and drink my bourbon without distraction. I'm reading, drinking, enjoying my time.

About an hour in, a very good looking older woman walks in. She sits right next to me and orders a Bulleit bourbon, light rocks. As that's w...

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Dirty Johnny: Greatest Joke of all time by Norm MacDonald

In school there was a fella named Dirty Johnny. He was always a trouble maker the teachers never liked him. One day in class the teacher is doing a thing we’re the kids raise their hands to tell a story and then say what the moral is of that story. So a girl raises her hand

The teacher says ...

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An old priest is walking along, when two guys approach him. One of the men asks:

“Excuse me father, I have a question. Have you ever seen a group of nuns who were all three feet tall?”

The priest replies that he’s never seen such a thing. The man then asks “OK, but have you ever heard of a group of nuns who were all three feet tall?”

The priest again says that he’s...

That one song about closing the goddamn door.

HaVe YoU eVeR hEaRd Of It?

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