Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York...

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiti...

Mayonnaise

I bought a horse the other day. I named it mayo.
Mayo neighs.

Sorry if this has been posted before.

You can shoot people with mayonnaise, but not other condiments

Your crimes will then ketchup to you.

Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me

What the Hellmann?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So There I Was, Balls Deep In Some Mayonnaise...

When I thought to myself, "Man, I really wish I had made that sandwich first."

What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?

Lmayo

What do you call a Mexican drowning in mayonnaise?

Sinko de Mayo

I replaced my dad's shaving cream with mayonnaise...

He shouted "what the Hellman!"

My neighbor stole my mayonnaise out of my fridge!

What the Hellman?

Surely you have heard of Murphy's Law?

Murphy's Law is simply "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong". But have you ever heard of Cole's Law?...

No? Well, cole's law is simply thinly sliced cabbage and carrots served cold with mayonnaise.

My mayonnaise is trying kill me...

...or so my sauces tell me...

Someone stole my jar of mayonnaise at lunch today

I was like, “What the Hellman?”

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened?

Close the door, I'm dressing.

What's the difference between mayonnaise and aioli?

Aioli did a semester abroad

[OC] Why did the mayonnaise win the running race?

Because the tomato sauce couldn't Ketchup.

I'm so tired from eating mayonnaise all day

I'm eggsauceded

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

I went to Coles to buy a cabbage but apparently it’s a legal requirement to buy mayonnaise and carrots too.

It’s Coles Law.

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

A woman walks into a dry cleaners....

She says to the guy at the counter "Hopefully you have the expertise to apply a suitable chemical procedure to eliminate this unsightly blemish from my favourite frock."

He says, "Come again?"

She says, "No, it's mayonnaise this time."

Getting older..

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away.”

The second lady said, “Yes, sometimes I find my...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just dropped my mobile phone in a bowl of mayonnaise.

Fuckin hellman.

And He took the bread gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying "This is My body, given to you".

In the same way, He took the cup of wine and said "This is My blood, which is poured out for you". Then he scooped up the mayonnaise from the jar and said "This is my- "

"NOT now Jesus!", they said, "For we are eating!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy walks up to his father and asks, “Dad what does a vagina look like?”

The dad looks at his son with a smile and says, “Son, a vagina looks like a beautiful flower waiting to be picked.”
The son thinks for a moment and asks,
“What does it look like after its picked?”
The dad looks serious and says...
“Like a bulldog with mayonnaise dripping out of its mou...

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

Have you heard of Boyle's Law?

It's a law stating that the pressure of a given mass of an ideal gas is inversely proportional to its volume at a constant temperature.

Now building on top of that, have you ever heard of Cole's Law?

It's a salad dish of raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise

You may know Murphy’s law, but have you heard of Coles law?

It is a side dish consisting primarily of finely shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Murphy’s law is about bad luck, Godwin’s law is about Hitler, and ColesLaw is...

Finely sliced cabbage, with a vinegar or mayonnaise based dressing

20 Things to do Before You Die...

1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"
2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'
3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of mayonnaise do Nazis use?

Heilman's.

Next Sunday I'm throwing all my mayonnaise into the river.

That way I'll sink all de mayo.

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

And they just loved it. They couldn't make mayonnaise quick enough.

Little known fact, the Titanic had a large vat of mayonnaise that was going to go to Mexico.

Now when the Titanic sunk, and the mayonnaise we...

I decided not to make my own mayonnaise.

I didn’t want to whisk it.

The Titanic and mayonnaise

What a lot of people don't know about the Titanic was that it was carrying a large shipment of mayonnaise to Mexico. In fact, the Mexican people were overjoyed to be receiving this fine delicacy.

Sadly, as we all know, the Titanic tragically sank, sending its many tons of mayonnaise to the bo...

Scientists annoy me, they’re always going on about Boyle’s Law and Archimedes’ Law.

One came up to me and said: “If you had an apple which experiences no net force, then its velocity is constant: the apple is either at rest, or it moves in a straight line with constant speed – Newton’s Law”

So I said “Here’s one for you: If you have an apple, a carrot, a cabbage, mayonnaise ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TWO GLASSES OF WINE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in
a day are not enough, reme mber the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front
of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a...

Phonetical jokes

A lady comes to the dry cleaners with a shirt to be cleaned.

When she tells the worker what she needs, he says: ''Come again?''

She responds: ''No, It's mayonnaise today.''

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bunk bed

A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" Girlfriend texts back "Duh!" So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl decides to take her boyfriend on holidays along with her family

During the night, the girl decides to sleep in the upper part of the bunk, and his little brother decides to sleep on the lower part.

A few minutes later, her boyfriend arrives at the room. So, the girl and her boyfriend start to kiss and touch on the upper part of the bunk while her little b...

Murphy vs Cole

You all have heard of Murphy’s Law, I assume. It’s the idea that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

However, have you ever heard of Cole’s Law? It’s a disgusting mash up of sliced cabbage and watery mayonnaise.

An Eskimo's snowmobile breaks down

He brings it to the local mechanic who after some time pulls the whole engine apart and finds the problem.
Mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal"
Eskimos wipes his face quickly and says
"Oh, That's just mayonnaise"

An old man was explaining to his grandson about major things that happened in his life.

“Now most people associate salsa as a Mexican condiment”, he said. “But actually we loved mayonnaise”. “Wow!”, said the boy. “Most people don’t know that in 1912 after docking in New York, the titanic’s next stop was the eastern shores of Mexico. And below the deck was 15 tons of mayo. As we all kno...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

Car broke down in Alaska

When the tow truck arrived the driver said “It appears you blew a seal”

Guy said “no, that’s just mayonnaise, I ate a sandwich while waiting”

Camping!

John and his girlfriend were going to go camping for the week. On his way out of the the door, John's little brother yelled, "wait for me!" John told his brother to go back inside, but his girlfriend insisted on taking him. John turned to his brother and said, "OK, but we get top bunk when we get to...

A reddit user goes to order a foot long sandwich...

The sandwich maker asks, "What would you like on your sandwich?"

The user says, "Oh, I like anything on a sub, except for mayonnaise and reposts"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
...

A man named Eric Cole...

... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes.
He's calling this correlation Cole's Law.

A blonde walks into a drycleaners

and says 'good morning' to the elderly attendant and hands him a blouse. The man didn't hear too well and asked, "Come again"?

The blonde turned red and giggled. "No, just mayonnaise this time."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

English/Scottish/Irish construction site

An English man, Scottish man and an Irish man was working on top of a 400ft building.

Dinner time comes and they all sit down and open their sandwiches that their wives had prepared for them.

English man opens his and it's Ham

English man :- "I'm sick to death of fucking ham san...

Sod's law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Moore's law: The complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 24 months.

Campbell's law: The more any quantitative social indicator is used for social decision making, the more subject it will be to corruption pressures and the more apt it will be to distort and corrupt the social processe...

The Last Supper

The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.”

In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Two brothers in a bunk-bed

There were two brothers sleeping on a bunk bed.
The older brother, on top, was having sex with his girlfriend, but they knew they had to be discreet about what they were doing, so as to not corrupt the younger brother.

The couple decide they will come up with code-words:
Lettuce = harde...

(NSFW) A mother and her son are walking through the park....

And along the way they see two dogs humping. The child asks his mom "what are those two dogs doing?"

His mom isn't sure how to answer and says they're making sandwiches.

A short while later they see two cats humping. The child once again asks what they're doing.

"They're makin...

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".

The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".

"No. This time it's mayonnaise"

My dad's favorite joke

Two men go out to lunch. One man orders a BLT, but the waitress says "We're out of BLTs." The man contends they cannot be out of BLTs, and asks whether they have bacon. The waitress answers in the affirmative. The man asks whether they have tomatoes. Again, the waitress answers "yes." The man asks w...

A woman walks into a dry cleaners

and says "I've got another dress for you" The man behind the counter, whose a little hard of hearing, replies "come again?" The woman responds with "No this time its mayonnaise"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.