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What kind of mayonnaise do Nazis use?

Heilman's.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

I replaced my dad's shaving cream with mayonnaise...

He shouted "what the Hellman!"

What's the difference between mayonnaise and aioli?

Aioli did a semester abroad

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

I went to Coles to buy a cabbage but apparently it’s a legal requirement to buy mayonnaise and carrots too.

It’s Coles Law.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's' mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after it's stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, t...

My mayonnaise is trying kill me...

...or so my sauces tell me...

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise.

-Cole's Law

How does mayonnaise laugh?

L-MAYO

I decided not to make my own mayonnaise.

I didn’t want to whisk it.

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I just dropped my phone in mayonnaise

Fucking Hellmann

What do you call a sink full of mayonnaise?

*Sink o de mayo.*

20 Things to do Before You Die...

1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"
2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'
3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look t...

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So there I was, balls deep in a jar of mayonnaise. When I said to myself, "Self..."

"I shoulda made a sandwich first."

How does Mayonnaise Laugh?

LMAYO


I'm sorry

What did the mayonnaise say to the refridgerator?

Close the door, I'm dressing!

I'm so tired from eating mayonnaise all day

I'm eggsauceded

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English/Scottish/Irish construction site

An English man, Scottish man and an Irish man was working on top of a 400ft building.

Dinner time comes and they all sit down and open their sandwiches that their wives had prepared for them.

English man opens his and it's Ham

English man :- "I'm sick to death of fucking ham san...

A blonde walks into a drycleaners

and says 'good morning' to the elderly attendant and hands him a blouse. The man didn't hear too well and asked, "Come again"?

The blonde turned red and giggled. "No, just mayonnaise this time."

What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise?

Lmayo!

[OC] Why did the mayonnaise win the running race?

Because the tomato sauce couldn't Ketchup.

The Titanic and mayonnaise

What a lot of people don't know about the Titanic was that it was carrying a large shipment of mayonnaise to Mexico. In fact, the Mexican people were overjoyed to be receiving this fine delicacy.

Sadly, as we all know, the Titanic tragically sank, sending its many tons of mayonnaise to the bo...

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

The Last Supper

*Jesus raises cup of wine*

Jesus: This is my blood

*Jesus raises plate of bread*

Jesus: This is my body

*Jesus raises tub of mayonnaise*

Jesus: This is m-

Judas: WOAH WOAH STOP RIGHT THERE

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Son asks his father what a Vagina looks like.

Father: Before or after sex?
Son: I don't know what that means?
Father: Well there are two different types
Son: Umm, before sex.
Father: Oh well it looks like an Orchid at dawn just as the sun hits it, with dew drops on it, in a Botanical garden in Spring.
Son: Oh woah. What...

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The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

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A boy asks his father, “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”

Caught off guard, the father clears his throat and replies, “Well that depends son, are you asking about before or after sex?”

“Before, I guess,” the boy responds.

“Like a beautiful rose whose petals are tightly woven together holding onto a few drops of morning dew.”

There’s a ...

A reddit user goes to order a foot long sandwich...

The sandwich maker asks, "What would you like on your sandwich?"

The user says, "Oh, I like anything on a sub, except for mayonnaise and reposts"

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Two people want to have sex but have a dilemma

A boyfriend and his girlfriend wanted to have sex but the problem was that the boy shared a bunk bed with his brother where he was on top. He said to his girlfriend that they should pretend they are making sandwiches. Tomato is code for faster and cheese is ...

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A girl decides to take her boyfriend on holidays along with her family

During the night, the girl decides to sleep in the upper part of the bunk, and his little brother decides to sleep on the lower part.

A few minutes later, her boyfriend arrives at the room. So, the girl and her boyfriend start to kiss and touch on the upper part of the bunk while her little b...

The principle difference's between Murphy's law and Cole's law

Murphy's law postulates that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Cole's law primarily consists of thinly shredded cabbage, carrot and mayonnaise.

Sod's law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Moore's law: The complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 24 months.

Campbell's law: The more any quantitative social indicator is used for social decision making, the more subject it will be to corruption pressures and the more apt it will be to distort and corrupt the social processe...

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A boy asks his father what a pussy looks like

The father replies, "Well son, before sex it looks like the most beautiful delicate flower you've ever laid eyes on!"
"Before sex? What about after?" asks the boy.
The father replies, "Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

Car broke down in Alaska

When the tow truck arrived the driver said “It appears you blew a seal”

Guy said “no, that’s just mayonnaise, I ate a sandwich while waiting”

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One day a young boy asks his grandfather, "grandpa what does a vagina look like?"

"Before or after sex?" The grandfather replied.
"Um before" said the boy.
"Like a rose in an early spring morning."
"What about after sex?"
The grandfather paused for a second and thought. "Have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?"

A man named Eric Cole...

... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes.
He's calling this correlation Cole's Law.

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Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
...

The Last Supper

The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.”

In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever...

A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her...

When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks.

She then asked the students if the jar was full?

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

She ...

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A little boy comes home from school....

and tells his father "we learned a new word at school today, Vagina"

"Daddy, they told us what a vagina is but, what does a vagina look like?"

Daddy says "Son, before sex a vagina looks like a rosebud just getting ready to bloom"

little boy asks "what does a vagina look like aft...

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Little boy asked his father

'Daddy, what does a vagina look like?'

The father thinks for a moment, then responds, "well son, that depends. before sex, or after sex?"

The little boy has no idea, so confusedly says, "umm.. both i guess."

"Well son, before sex, the vagina is like a fragrant flower. Soft, gent...

A woman walks into a dry cleaners

and says "I've got another dress for you" The man behind the counter, whose a little hard of hearing, replies "come again?" The woman responds with "No this time its mayonnaise"

My dad's favorite joke

Two men go out to lunch. One man orders a BLT, but the waitress says "We're out of BLTs." The man contends they cannot be out of BLTs, and asks whether they have bacon. The waitress answers in the affirmative. The man asks whether they have tomatoes. Again, the waitress answers "yes." The man asks w...

Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't...

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[NSFW] Two Brothers in a Bunk-Bed

There were two brothers sleeping on a bunk bed.
The older brother, on top, was having sex with his girlfriend, but they knew they had to be discreet about what they were doing, so as to not corrupt the younger brother.

The couple decide they will come up with code-words:
Lettuce = harde...

A senior in high school decides to have his girlfriend over one night for a good time..

His younger brother sleeps on the bottom bunk. The older brother says to his girlfriend, every time you want me to go faster say tomatoes, whenever you want me to change position say lettuce, whenever you want me to go deeper say bread.

They wait until the little brother falls asleep, then b...

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".

The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".

"No. This time it's mayonnaise"

I Am Not Forgetful

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes,...

(NSFW) A mother and her son are walking through the park....

And along the way they see two dogs humping. The child asks his mom "what are those two dogs doing?"

His mom isn't sure how to answer and says they're making sandwiches.

A short while later they see two cats humping. The child once again asks what they're doing.

"They're makin...

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Jesus and his disciples are sat around the Last Supper table...

Jesus and his disciples are sat around the Last Supper table. They're all talking and debating when suddenly Jesus stands up from the table.

A hush falls across the room.

Jesus looks around, picks up a goblet of wine and says, ''This is my blood, take it and drink it''.

So he pa...

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A son interested about sex. (Nsfw)

A son who is just learning about sexuality in fifth grade class has a lot of questions. He can't sit still thinking about the basics of sex. One day after school, he goes to his dad and asks him a question. He asks "Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?" The dad pauses and thinks for a fe...

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Who likes little Johnny jokes?

One day little Johnny and his dad are sitting at the breakfast table. Johnny turns to his dad and says, "dad what does a vagina look like?"

His dad thinks about it for a second and then says, "well little Johnny, before sex a vagina looks like a beautiful flower in the middle of a large bush...

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Little Johnny was sitting eating breakfast with his dad...

...and while eating he looked at his father and said, "Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?" Little Johnny's father thought for a moment and replied, "Well son, think of a vagina like a rose petal, it's soft, gorgeous and smells wonderful." Little Johnny thought this over for a moment and a...

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Two College Roommates

Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The guy in the top bunk has his girlfriend sleeping over. To try and keep quiet, they devise a code. His girlfriend will say "tomato" if she wants him to go slower and "lettuce" for him to go faster. As they begin to have sex, the girl starts to moan, "L...

A blonde goes to the dry cleaners

She hands him her dress which has a huge stain in the front. She pays him and says "I need this dress for a party. So can you please get it cleaned by Thursday?" Now the dry cleaner was very old and couldn't hear properly so he asks her "Come again?"
The blonde blushes furiously and says "No, i...

Camping!

John and his girlfriend were going to go camping for the week. On his way out of the the door, John's little brother yelled, "wait for me!" John told his brother to go back inside, but his girlfriend insisted on taking him. John turned to his brother and said, "OK, but we get top bunk when we get to...

Lose 7 pounds in 3 days with this one weird trick!

Step 1. Purchase mayonnaise.
Step 2. Leave mayonnaise in the sun for 5 hours. Let it really bake.
Step 3. Eat a couple spoon fulls of the mayo.
Step 4. Lose AT LEAST 7 pounds over the next 3 days!

So a girl is stuck babysitting her little brother...

When she finally gets him to bed on the bottom bunk of his bunk-bed, she decides to invite her boyfriend over so that they can have a little fun together. To avoid her parents walking in on her, she takes her boyfriend and they get up on the top bunk of her little brothers bed, being careful to not ...

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A girl brings a guy back home, forgetting that she shares a bunk bed with her young brother...

They're both so horny that they can't not-sleep with each other, despite the child on the bunk below them.

While caught in this dilemma, he decides to set up a code system so that the brother doesn't realize what's up:

"Alright, if you want me to go harder, say lettuce; if you want me ...