UPJOKE
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A guy walks into a restaurant and orders minced pork shoulder and ham, pressed it into a block and served in a can.

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**Rule 3 - No Spam posts.**

Pork, eh?

A Canadian guy walked into the kitchen and saw his Mexican roommate having dinner, so he said to him, "pork, eh?" And the the roommate said, "porque me gusta."

What’s green and smells like pork?

Kermit’s finger

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A guy goes to the doctor because his wife can't orgasm.

The doctor explains his wife is probably over heating and needs to find a way to cool her down.

The guy goes to his best friend and asks him to waft a towel over him and his wife while they have sex to keep them cool.

The friend agrees and the next day he shows up and wafts the towel w...

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

When my next door neighbour started throwing chunks of chicken, lamb, beef & pork off his roof, I thought “Wow...

...a meatier shower”.

A long-time rabbi has always wanted to try pork, but never seemed to find an print to do so.

One day, he finally gets a chance by boarding a plane and traveling first class to a 5- star restaurant in Florida that offers the best pork the world's had to offer.
The rabbi gets to the restaurant, orders his food, and minutes later, the waist brings out a perfect golden swine, cooked to perf...

Starved boy and Pork chop.

Today I went out from steak house and found a starved boy looking inside.

Are you hungry little boy? I asked him.

I never had a chance to eat pork chop, he replied.

So I invited him inside and order one for him.

He looked even more sad and said nothing.

Something i...

Doctor: Sir, do you smoke?

Patient: Yeah.
Doctor: Cigarettes? Marijuana?
Patient: Mostly Brisket and Pork...


Shamelessly stolen from Doctor Mike on Youtube, but hell I laughed at that...

Pork is delicious...

So why do they call it bratwurst? Shouldn't it be called bratbest?

What do you call canned pork laced with Ritalin?

Short Attention Spam

What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space?

One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor.

A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank...

A couple are on a date in a romantic restaurant...

A couple are on a date in a romantic restaurant. As their order arrives, the wife looks around and notices every table has a couple having a romantic candlelight dinner date.

The man on the table to her right says to his date, "pass me the sugar, my sweet Sugar"

The man on the table t...

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

What do you call a pig that knows karate?

A pork chop

What is green and smells like pork?

Kermits fingers.



Also....



What is green and goes 100 MPH?

Frog in a blender.

I don't want to go to school

"Dad, I don't want to go to school

today." said the boy.

"Why not, son?"

\-"Well, one of the chickens on the

school farm died last week and we had

chicken soup for lunch the next day.

Then three days ago one of the pigs

died and we had roast pork the<...

What did Tommy Wiseau say to his wife when she was making pulled pork?

You're tearing meat apart Lisa!

Roast beef and pork are both pulled from the oven

The pork says to the beef, "we meat again".

(Courtesy of my 8 year old)

What do you call a small pork farm?

... a hamlet.

When is a pig not pork.

When you cook it with pine nuts, it’s a pork you pine.

What to you call a upscale restaurant that specializes in pork?

Swine dining.

(My daughter just told me this one and I told her I'd post it on here for her)

I got attacked by a plant with leaves that looked like pork.

It was a ham bush!

What do you call a pork based subscription service?

OnlyHams

Little Ken Fok grew up working hard in his father’s restaurant in China

Every day before school he would get up at 6am and help prepare the dishes for that days lunch before coming home from school at 4pm to help with the evening shift by preparing and serving customers. He would make Spicy crab cakes, shredded pork and tofu. He would work until midnight and then repeat...

When will people stop eating ground pork?

When pigs fly.

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I smoked my first pork shoulder this weekend. I hope I'm saying that right.

"I finally popped my butt cherry" means something else, apparently.

There's beef burgers made out of beef, and chicken burgers made out of chicken, but no burgers made out of pork.

They could call it a hamburger.

The last time I was down in Mexico, I saw something very peculiar; what I thought was a shrub covered in slices of pork...

I went for a closer look and one of the locals stopped me.

"Don't go down there, Señor..." he tells me, "... Eet might be a Hambush."

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There’s something very weird about this pet shop…

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

I tried to make some slow cooked pork today

But I forgot to plug in the crock pot before I left for work.


It really sucked coming home to my wife giving me the cold shoulder.

A Muslim guy's girlfriend was killed for eating pork

RIP Haram bae

A butcher was selling a barrel of pork

For 600 dollars.

Some people love deep fried pork rind, somw hate it.

To Chicharron.

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was.

I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member o...

What’s better pork or mutton?

Depends on what religion you ask.

There’s an email going around offering processed pork, gelatine and salt in a can.

If you get this email, don’t open it. It’s spam.

What is the difference between a hot potato and a pork chop on the floor?

One is a heated yam and the other one is a yeeted ham.

I've started investing in stocks. Beef, pork, chicken.

With any luck, someday I'll be a bullionaire.

What do you call a Muslim that eats pork?

Mo' Ham Head

- Waiter! Is this a beef or pork steak?

\- Can't you tell by the taste of it?

\- No!

\- Then why do you care?

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A priest and a rabbi are talking about their religions with one another. The priest leans over to the Rabbi and asks him if he’s ever eaten pork before....

The Rabbi says, “I’ve had it once.”

The priest says, “oh it’s fantastic, BBQ pulled pork is my favorite. You are really missing out.

The rabbi smirks and leans in and says to the priest, “well have you ever had sex before?”

Priest says,”yes I did once.”

Rabbi smiles an...

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Why are Muslims and Jews not allowed to eat bacon, which is pork at its best?

Because they also cannot handle pigs at their wurst.

Two snipers are going through the desert when all of a sudden they come under fire...

"Spotter"... says the shooter, "find out where those shots are coming from!"

So the spotter takes out his scope and starts panning round... "I think I found them. There is a small shrub, covered in bacon, gammon, and pork chops"

"That's them..."says the shooter... "it's a ham-bush!"

Three Jewish guys are having a conversation about how reform their synagogues are…

The first man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that they serve shrimp and pork in the cafeteria”

The second man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that they serve us shrimp and pork on Yom Kippur”

The third man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that on Yom Kippur there’s a sign o...

With all the NSFW jokes here lately, we could use a nice clean joke

A pharmaceutical salesman was staying at a bed and breakfast in a small town while on a business trip. The B&B was run by a kindly old gentleman and advertised three square "southern" meals a day and a relaxing country feel.

While the salesman was eating his breakfast, he noticed what app...

What do you call someone who is in love with multiple hunks of pork?

Polyhamorous

Kermit Doesn’t Always Eat Pork

But when he does, he makes her shower first.

I know Muslims can't eat pork.

Islam ok though?

Pricey Pies

Did you know a pork pie in Aruba costs $1.50? A cheese and spinach pie will cost you $2.60 in Barbados. An apple pie is only $1.30 in Jamaica whereas a pecan pie will set you back $3.50 in Grenada.



And those are the pie rates of the Carribean.

Why don't German pessimists eat pork....

They always fear the wurst.

What do you call ancient Roman pork

Igpay atinlay

A Muslim Imam, after years of adherence to the Quran, begins to wonder what pork taste like...

He confesses this temptation to his wife who reaffirms that pork is strictly forbidden by their faith.



One evening, however, he gives in to his curiosity and buys a pulled pork slider on his way back from work. He finds a quiet bench in a nearby park and prepares to take a bite of his...

2 Mexican gang members...

Carlos and Pepe; are lost in the desert after a drug deal gone wrong...

After days wandering aimlessly, Pepe finds a tree covered in pork. Bacon of all kinds and thicknesses, gammon, sausages and pulled pork hanging in place of leaves.

Not wanting to waste energy on what could potentia...

A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a Pork pie.

The barman gives him his pint, and a nice fresh pork pie. He drinks his pint, picks up his pork pie, puts it on the top of his head and walks out, carefully balancing it on his noggin.

About 10 minutes later, he returns and goes to the bar. Again, the man asks for a pint and a pork pie.
<...

Everything we eat always seems to taste like chicken, beef or pork, except for snake.

That always tastes like my ex.

Take a night off

The married owners of a Chinese restaurant have been working hard and decide to take a night off to get their love life back on track.

As things heat up in the bedroom the wife, feeling adventurous, whispers "How about a 69?".

Her husband responds "Why do you want me to make Sweet and ...

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Noodle and Meat Bun were best friends.

But one day they got into a disagreement and had a fight. Noodle isnt very strong but he managed to beat up Meat Bun.

Meat Bun wasnt going to take this insult without revenge, so he went off to get some brothers, Pan Fried Bun, and Steamed Pork Bun. Together, the angry mob roamed the streets ...

What do you get when you cross BBQ'ed pork with a gigantic sea monster?

Release the Kracklen!

Pork Chop

Most people are confused when I tell them that me and my dad had a falling out over him cutting up my little Pork Chop.

I guess that they don’t understand the bond between man and dog.

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Why can't Rabbis eat pork and Priests can't have sex?

Because the Rabbis got to choose first.

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Jerk chicken and pulled pork...

The owner of my favorite restaurant was arrested for beastiality..

That explains why jerk chicken and pulled pork were the only two menu items.

TIL Muslim extremists do not like pulled pork sandwiches.

whoops, wrong sub.

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