Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.

It is not stroganoff.

What's the difference between a beef wellington and an asteroid?

One is meaty and the other is a little meteor!

A cow with no legs is ground beef. A cow with 3 legs is lean beef. But what do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your Mom

What happened to the beef between 50 Cent and Ja Rule?

51

India is a very peaceful country.

Because nobody has any beef over there.

My friend claims that he can make the best red paint you’ve ever seen out of raw beef

It looks great, but it’s only meaty ochre

I hear deformed cows aren't the best for yielding beef...

...but they are okay udderwise.

I forgot I marinated the beef 3 days ago.

I think I put more thyme in it than I should.

A Colorado company has just given up on THC infused beef

They said the steaks were just too high.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup.

Anyone can roast beef, but it’s not easy to pea soup.

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A man goes to the store to buy some beef Jerky...

The clerk at the counter asks "is that everything sir?"

The man licks his lips and says "yep. Just the jerky"

The clerk responds "OK, but please don't lick my lips ever again."

What do you call the argument between two vegans?

A plant-based beef.




P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]

An African American woman named Bethany goes to the butchers to see if they have any beef.

"No, black Betty. Ham or lamb"

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How do they decide which cows to use for beef jerky

They pick the bull.ies. (Joke my 11 year old son made up)

My friend nailed some beef to the ceiling and told me to slap it

I told him no

The steaks were too high

What are the people involved in the beef industry called?

Steak-holders.

I’m trying to beef up my messaging game.

I’m taking textosterone.

TIFU by ordering a Roast Beef instead of Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.

Oops, wrong sub.

I tried to throw a slab of beef at my boss

That was a missed steak

What do you call it when you have a problem with beef?

A mis-STEAK.

(Submitted by my 10 year old.)

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?

Or a beet down?

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

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A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

What happened to the steak that fell down?

It became ground beef

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

Started investing in beef and chicken stock.

I want to be a bouillonaire.

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

During this pandemic I'm buying lots of stocks.

Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

Who is the most dangerous person to gamble with?

A beef rancher because they always raise the steaks

I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.

Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.


Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."

When vegans have an argument, is it still beef?

No. It’s leaf.

(My little cousin has just told me the old joke, and I instantaneously made up the answer. Thought I’d share it with you all!)

Every recipe for meatballs I find says to crack open a couple of eggs into some ground beef.

I guess that's why the two yolk is always in the cow mince

A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs

His friend refuses saying he won’t assist in a suet side!

(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)

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There was a food fight at the burger joint, but I didn't participate.

I had no beef in that fight.

There once were two cow farmers that absolutely hated each other.

I guess you could say they had major beef.

I've started investing in stocks. Beef, pork, chicken.

With any luck, someday I'll be a bullionaire.

You shouldn't eat beef of a cow fed with marijuana.

The steaks will be high.

- Waiter! Is this a beef or pork steak?

\- Can't you tell by the taste of it?

\- No!

\- Then why do you care?

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?

You don't know?

soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll let you in on the secret to making the BEST beef jerky...

You need to feed the cows coffee.

A kitten and a Bengali tiger meet on a disused road

"Why so serious?"The tiger says to the kitten.

"I thought you were gonna eat me," the kitten replies.

"'Course not," the tiger says. "You're a cat; I'm a cat. No beef here."

"Yeah, good point. Haven't seen any cows for miles anyway."

In a medieval town ...

... a beggar comes up to a tavern where the owner is cooking a roast of beef on a spit. The beggar has a piece of bread and holds it out over the roast so that is catches the grease that is rising off the roast into the air. The tavern owner says nothing until the beggar has captured enough grease a...

McDonalds recently canceled their plans for the sandwich made entirely from beef lips.

It was gonna be called the McJagger.

What do you call it when a cow pleasures himself?

Some say MOOsterbation, but I’ve always been partial to Beef Strokinoff.

Where's the beef ?

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bouraguiginon for you, and I got it out of the oven to seas...

What unit of energy do you get from beef ?

Cowlories.

I got caught up in a religious protest for vegetarianism before. It was weird enough to start with but it got surreal when I saw a nun throw a huge fish into the village pond and then a monk trying to get it out again only to end up netting a large slab of beef instead.

Still not sure what was weirder- seeing the nun chuck fish or the monk fish chuck.

My friend Stewie used to start a lot of fights

That's why everyone called him


Beef Stew

I don't think making the world's biggest piece of cooked beef was McDonalds' greatest ideea.

In fact, I believe it was quite a huge McSteak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men were working on a beef ranch together

Their names are Ron and Mitch. They’re sitting down on a bench after working a few hours and Mitch has been chewing the whole day and he has a cup that he’s been spitting in, the cup is full to the brim with spit and mucus and saliva and he looks over to Ron and says “I’ll give you 20 bucks if you d...

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Hand Jobs $20 (NSFW)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads

Grilled Cheese - $3
Ham and Cheese $5
Roast Beef - $6
Hand jobs -$20

A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?"

"Are you the one that gives the han...

If you want to live drama-free, you should move to India.

They don't have beef with anyone.

A local casino is offering marijuana infused beef to their best bettors.

That’s really high steaks for their high rollers.

A man is concerned about his wife's hearing

So he goes to the doctor. The doctor says, “Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you.”

The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Nothing. He gets halfwa...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene?

To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef.

A cow ran away from home

We had a lot of beef between each other.

The chef overcooked the beef...

it was a misteak!

I saw two coworkers at the Costco butcher station being unfriendly to each other.

It seemed like there was some beef between them

Why does congress have as much meat as Arbys?

Because something's really fishy with all these turkeys playing chicken in a beef over pork.

Too good to be true

I walked into a bar and the barman said they were offering free drinks.

"All you have to do is hit the bits of beef I have up there"

I looked up and there was two pieces of meat hung above the bar. I looked at him and said

"No thanks. The steaks are too high"

A guy walks into a bar and notices many cuts of beef suspended from the ceiling several feet above his head.

The guy orders a drink and asks the bartender about the meat.
The bartender replies, "It's a contest I run here. You get one try. If you can jump high enough to touch one of them, you get the money in the pot . If you miss, you have to put $500 in. You want to try?"
The guy thinks for a second...

What do you call not bad, not good brown beef?

Meaty-ochre

How do you teach an American an Irish accent

Say the following words:

Whale.

Oil.

Beef.

Hooked.

One more time. . .

Now say them all together fast.

(Heard on NPR yesterday)

Why is ground beef so popular?

Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.

Of all the people I know, my Hindu friends are the most chilled out.

They never have beef with anyone.

Even the best farmers or engineers failed to develop a brand of cannabis-fed beef meat

The steaks were too high

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A herd of masturbating cattle is called Beef Stroganoff, but what do you call it when they do it to each other?

Hamburger Helper

My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried

His life is at steak

I got this new recipe app. I am having issues with the security.

I want my password to be BeefStew, but the app keeps telling me it’s not stroganoff.

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