UPJOKE
cattlemeatsteaksausageporkoxenunited stateskickcowsvealcorned beefground beefhamburgerpoultrybovine

I've begun investing heavily in beef, chicken and vegetable stocks.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

What do you call a Cow with 3 legs? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with No Legs? Ground Beef. What do you call a Cow with 2 legs?

Your mom

Apparently you cannot use 'beef stew' as a password

it's not Stroganoff

I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James.

Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.

My doctor insists that I should reduce my ground beef consumption.

So be it, sea cows it is then.

McDonalds just released a new sandwich made entirely of beef lips.

They're calling it the McJagger.

I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

I went to the store for some beef broth

But they were all out of stock

7 day without beef ...

... makes one weak.

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What do you call a bunch of cows masterbating?

Beef Stroganoff

I have a friend who seldom eats roast beef because she feels it's not cooked long enough

So it's rare when she eats it, and when she eats it, it's rare

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A bear goes into a beef and bourbon bar

A bear goes into a beef and bourbon bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says "We don't serve beers to bears in beef and bourbon bars."

The bear is getting angry. "Give me a beer you piece of shit!"

The bartender replies "We don't serve beers to bears in beef and bourbon bars wh...

What do you call a cow with...

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef
What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak
What do you call a cow with no legs lying in a hole? Fil
What do you call a cow with no legs lying next to a hole? Dug
What do you call a cow wit...

When two meat-eaters fight, it’s called beef.

When two vegans fight, it’s called a tofeud.

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One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind...

When my next door neighbour started throwing chunks of chicken, lamb, beef & pork off his roof, I thought “Wow...

...a meatier shower”.

I couldn’t get $GME, so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.

I hope to become a bouillionaire!

When Love Fades......

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, a\*\*hole. I was talking to the c...

Collecting Name Jokes

I know there are a whole bunch of these but I only remember a few, please post any you think of!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your pool? Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs...

Why do vegans never argue?

Because they can't have beef.

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

There's beef burgers made out of beef, and chicken burgers made out of chicken, but no burgers made out of pork.

They could call it a hamburger.

Unconditional love

Repost due to incomplete joke, if anyone wants to trim it or change it for the better feel free:
I was watching Jimmy Kimmel and discussing where to go for lunch with my girlfriend when the topic of “unconditional love” was brought up. I nodded and told her “…of course I love you and you love...

Vegetarians are such nice people

I once went into a supermarket and a vegetarian person pushed himself in front of me and left a rose on top of a nice bit of beef.

Thanks to him not only did I get a great quality piece of beef, but I got a rose too.

Was a great day all around !

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What's the difference between and Arby's roast beef sandwich and a vagina?

I expect there to be pubes on the sandwich

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man'...

When two people don't get along, they have a "beef"

But if they were vegetarian, do they Squash it?

My butcher once gave me beef from a female cow.

I said, "I believe this is a Miss Steak".

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A man goes to the store to buy some beef Jerky...

The clerk at the counter asks "is that everything sir?"

The man licks his lips and says "yep. Just the jerky"

The clerk responds "OK, but please don't lick my lips ever again."

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Remember the good old days when you can walk into a gas station with $1 and walk out with two bags of chips, beef jerky, and a drink?

Nowadays, there’s cameras everywhere.

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

What do Spanish people call leftover beef?

Reincarne

I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef.

That meant the steaks were just too high for me.

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Sex is a lot like beef jerky.

It’s rough, tough, and found easily in truck stops.

If 2 vegans have an arguement is it beef?

Or is it a qourn-frontation?

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

Roast beef and pork are both pulled from the oven

The pork says to the beef, "we meat again".

(Courtesy of my 8 year old)

What's the difference between a beef wellington and an asteroid?

One is meaty and the other is a little meteor!

Trying to upgrade the McRib sandwich

A chef at the McDonald's test kitchen walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Kind of bummed out today," the chef tells the bartender. "I've spend weeks trying to create a beef version of the McRib, and we just can't come up with anything that works." "Well, I hope you've learned from your McSteaks," t...

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(NSFW) What do you call a competition where you eat beef jerkey?

A jerk-off.

Putin has bitten over too much and is choking.

At first he thinks it might be Russian Beef Stronganoff, but that is clearly wrong. Then he thinks it might have been the chicken Kiev. Then he realizes - there was never any chicken Kiev.

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

Every recipe for meatballs I find says to crack open a couple of eggs into some ground beef.

I guess that's why the two yolk is always in the cow mince

Speak Instant Irish

I got my Irish father in law with this one. He never said a swear word in his life. But I got him good.

Say the following sentence out loud and repeat it.


Whale Oil Beef Hooked

I got offered to eat raw beef, but I said no.

I figured the steaks were too high and I probably shouldn’t brisket.

You cant argue with people who like their beef well cooked

They are still chewing

odd one out.

Which is the odd one out.?

a pound of beef mince.

a pound of soya mince,

or a vibrator.?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.Answer the beef mince, the other two are meat substitutes.

[OC] What's the difference between Grade A and Grade B beef?

One studied harder.

TIFU by ordering a Roast Beef instead of Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.

Oops, wrong sub.

I tried to throw a slab of beef at my boss

That was a missed steak

So it seems i lost the cut of beef i was preparing...

...it was a mistake.

My friend claims that he can make the best red paint you’ve ever seen out of raw beef

It looks great, but it’s only meaty ochre

I forgot I marinated the beef 3 days ago.

I think I put more thyme in it than I should.

My friend nailed some beef to the ceiling and told me to slap it

I told him no

The steaks were too high

If you didn't hear already, Meat Loaf died

Henceforth referred to as Ground Beef

A Colorado company has just given up on THC infused beef

They said the steaks were just too high.

What are the people involved in the beef industry called?

Steak-holders.

Why is ground beef so popular?

Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.

When vegans have an argument, is it still beef?

No. It’s leaf.

(My little cousin has just told me the old joke, and I instantaneously made up the answer. Thought I’d share it with you all!)

What happened to the beef between 50 Cent and Ja Rule?

51

I hear deformed cows aren't the best for yielding beef...

...but they are okay udderwise.

A young Chinese couple got married.

In the hotel room that evening, the bride blushed demurely: "I am very shy. Please, husband, tell me what to do."

The husband, a gentle and thoughtful young man said: "Why don't you tell me what you might like to do?"

The blushing bride hesitated before replying: "Well ... husband, uhm...

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was.

I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member o...

If two vegetarians get into a fight, would it still be called a beef?

Not sure, depends on what's at steak.

What do you call it when you have a problem with beef?

A mis-STEAK.

(Submitted by my 10 year old.)

Insert dad joke: Why did the top bun and bottom bun of the Big Mac get in a fight?

There was bad beef between them.

A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs

His friend refuses saying he won’t assist in a suet side!

(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)

Where do you find a cow that doesn't have any legs

Right where you left it. It isn't going anywhere.



(You thought this was going to be a "ground beef" joke, didn't you?)

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

What do you call an overweight average ogre eating beef flavored yogurt?

A mediocre meaty ogre eating meaty yogurt.

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How do they decide which cows to use for beef jerky

They pick the bull.ies. (Joke my 11 year old son made up)

Why does Angus beef taste so good?

Because it has a lot of yummy coweries in it!

I’m trying to beef up my messaging game.

I’m taking textosterone.

My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried

His life is at steak

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Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?

You don't know?

soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

- Waiter! Is this a beef or pork steak?

\- Can't you tell by the taste of it?

\- No!

\- Then why do you care?

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NSFW... A waitress and a chef at a Chinese restaurant go into the walk in fridge at work.

They are both overtaken with horniness and start to fool around.

The waitress says, "I want 69."

The chef says, "Why do you want Beef with Broccoli now?"

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