I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

When two meat-eaters fight, it’s called beef.

When two vegans fight, it’s called a tofeud.

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What's the difference between and Arby's roast beef sandwich and a vagina?

I expect there to be pubes on the sandwich

I’ve started investing in stocks; beef, chicken and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

I couldn’t get $GME, so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.

I hope to become a bouillionaire!

My butcher once gave me beef from a female cow.

I said, "I believe this is a Miss Steak".

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef.

That meant the steaks were just too high for me.

When two people don't get along, they have a "beef"

But if they were vegetarian, do they Squash it?

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

There's beef burgers made out of beef, and chicken burgers made out of chicken, but no burgers made out of pork.

They could call it a hamburger.

Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.

It is not stroganoff.

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Remember the good old days when you can walk into a gas station with $1 and walk out with two bags of chips, beef jerky, and a drink?

Nowadays, there’s cameras everywhere.

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

Roast beef and pork are both pulled from the oven

The pork says to the beef, "we meat again".

(Courtesy of my 8 year old)

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(NSFW) What do you call a competition where you eat beef jerkey?

A jerk-off.

What do Spanish people call leftover beef?

Reincarne

If 2 vegans have an arguement is it beef?

Or is it a qourn-frontation?

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Sex is a lot like beef jerky.

It’s rough, tough, and found easily in truck stops.

I got offered to eat raw beef, but I said no.

I figured the steaks were too high and I probably shouldn’t brisket.

You cant argue with people who like their beef well cooked

They are still chewing

So I was eating out at a steak house the other night when some guy complained that the sign said Halal...

He said his beef should be killed the **American way**, to that all I could think is does he really expect a cow to enrol in a high school just to get shot by one of its peers?

I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher

He now has a beef with me

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A man goes to the store to buy some beef Jerky...

The clerk at the counter asks "is that everything sir?"

The man licks his lips and says "yep. Just the jerky"

The clerk responds "OK, but please don't lick my lips ever again."

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef


Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it

What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef

What do you call a cow with one leg?

Stake

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your mom!

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What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off

So it seems i lost the cut of beef i was preparing...

...it was a mistake.

What's the difference between a beef wellington and an asteroid?

One is meaty and the other is a little meteor!

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

A cow with no legs is ground beef. A cow with 3 legs is lean beef. But what do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your Mom

[OC] What's the difference between Grade A and Grade B beef?

One studied harder.

69

A Chinese couple has finally made it to their hotel on their wedding night. She says, my love we are finally married. Anything you want tonight, just ask.

He says, how about a 69?

She says, you want beef with broccoli?!?!?!?!

A German man on his first trip to America decides to see New York City.

As he's wandering around the smell of corned beef and fresh baked rye bread draws him into a Kosher deli. The man sits at the counter, eyes the menu and says, "I vood like to try ze bagel and ze lox." In a thick accent.

On his first bite he's throughly enjoying his food and pipes up to the gu...

If you want to live drama-free, you should move to India.

They don't have beef with anyone.

My friend claims that he can make the best red paint you’ve ever seen out of raw beef

It looks great, but it’s only meaty ochre

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

Started my first job two months ago: low paying job but with good potential for growth. I’m yet to pay my student loan

During the job interview, my boss said I spend to much time thinking before I answered the questions, so they have doubts with my sincerity. Nevertheless, he said he saw my potential and picked me.

The board was going to met today to discuss about an impending merger. My boss asked me to com...

I forgot I marinated the beef 3 days ago.

I think I put more thyme in it than I should.

An African American woman named Bethany goes to the butchers to see if they have any beef.

"No, black Betty. Ham or lamb"

A pastor is on a plane when the man next to him strikes up a conversation.

After some pleasantries, the pastor says, "I'm flying across the country raising money for my parish. I've been performing small miracles hoping people will donate money to me. You see, I ask the Lord to provide a person's favorite food on the spot. My best luck is with college grads who are nostalg...

What happened to the beef between 50 Cent and Ja Rule?

51

A Colorado company has just given up on THC infused beef

They said the steaks were just too high.

The doctor and his wife were playing golf at the club and she

Drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. The doctor said Wow I have never seen you play this well before! Marie says, I took lessons.

A couple of days later on the tennis court in mixed doubles, she smashes her serves and never misses a point. The doctor said Wow I have never seen...

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

My friend nailed some beef to the ceiling and told me to slap it

I told him no

The steaks were too high

Every recipe for meatballs I find says to crack open a couple of eggs into some ground beef.

I guess that's why the two yolk is always in the cow mince

TIFU by ordering a Roast Beef instead of Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.

Oops, wrong sub.

I tried to throw a slab of beef at my boss

That was a missed steak

I hear deformed cows aren't the best for yielding beef...

...but they are okay udderwise.

What are the people involved in the beef industry called?

Steak-holders.

What Are We Eating?

A can of tuna has a picture of a tuna fish

A pack of Ham has a picture of a pig

Turkey has a picture of a turkey

Egg carton has a picture of a chicken

Beef has a picture of a cow

Dogfood has a picture of a dog

What do you call it when you have a problem with beef?

A mis-STEAK.

(Submitted by my 10 year old.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

India is a very peaceful country.

Because nobody has any beef over there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do they decide which cows to use for beef jerky

They pick the bull.ies. (Joke my 11 year old son made up)

Why does Angus beef taste so good?

Because it has a lot of yummy coweries in it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American man walks into a restaurant in Spain and looks at the menu.

He doesn't speak a lick of Spanish, so he defaults to a passing waiter for advice on what to get. "I would recommend the *cojones*," the waiter says. "Our house specialty. The dish is sourced fresh from the bull killed by one of our bullfighters in the ring today."

So the man orders the cojo...

McDonalds is test marketing a NEW beef patty made solely from the lips of Cows...

The McJagger

My neighbor and I are having a land dispute.

Well, it’s actually more of a ground beef.

What do you call the argument between two vegans?

A plant-based beef.




P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]

When vegans have an argument, is it still beef?

No. It’s leaf.

(My little cousin has just told me the old joke, and I instantaneously made up the answer. Thought I’d share it with you all!)

A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs

His friend refuses saying he won’t assist in a suet side!

(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While a guy is eating a girl out he finds a pea in her vagina

He thinks to himself, “hmm that’s odd..”, but he’s really in the mood and just keeps going to town on her.

After a while he finds a piece of a carrot, and that made him think “there’s something weird going on..”, but he continues anyway.

A few moments later he finds a small chunk of ...

Is this heaven?

A man dies and comes to find himself facing a tall man wearing a beautiful set of glowing robes.

"Is this Heaven?" He asked the man.

"Welcome! Here, let me show you around. This place is where you will spend all of eternity."

As they walked he pointed out the beautiful manicure...

A guy has been chatting to a pretty Chinese girl in a bar and offers to take her home.

At her place things are starting to get hot and heavy, especially when she says "So, anything you really really like?". He decides to go for it and says "I'd love a 69."

She turns bright red, slaps his face and says "You bloody men all the same...

"I'm not cooking beef and broccoli at ...

I've started investing in stocks. Beef, pork, chicken.

With any luck, someday I'll be a bullionaire.

- Waiter! Is this a beef or pork steak?

\- Can't you tell by the taste of it?

\- No!

\- Then why do you care?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?

You don't know?

soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

Why is ground beef so popular?

Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.

During this pandemic, I'm buying lots of stocks.

Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are Jewish delis and therapist's offices alike?

They're both places where beef is cured.

If two vegetarians get into a fight, would it still be called a beef?

Not sure, depends on what's at steak.

I haven't seen this one here before

Late one Friday night, John visits the brothel. As he walks in, he is greeted by all the usual faces.

"Hey John, back again?"

"Johnny boy. Must be payday."

So on and so forth.

Then the Madame of the house spots him and hurries over.

"Mr. John. How lovely to...

I don't think making the world's biggest piece of cooked beef was McDonalds' greatest ideea.

In fact, I believe it was quite a huge McSteak.

I don’t understand why people don’t seem to get along with vegetarians.

I have never had a beef with one.

My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried

His life is at steak

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy got a new Chinese girlfriend...

Their first sexual encounter he says “How about a 69?”

She snaps back “What? You want beef with broccoli right now???”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

What do you call an overweight average ogre eating beef flavored yogurt?

A mediocre meaty ogre eating meaty yogurt.

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