UPJOKE
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Beef Jokes

I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

What's the opposite of ground beef?

High steaks

Do not use "beef_stew" as a password!

It's not stroganoff.

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

I said to the woman at the deli, “I’d like to buy a corned beef and pastrami, with pickles.” She replied, “Sorry..."

"We only take cash or card.”

Difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef!!!!! What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your mom.

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

What did a competitive beef farmer say to his competition?

I'm raising the steaks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

if two vegans get pissed at each other, is it still called beef?

No, because it's beyond meat

I saw Han Solo crying while eating his beef.

Later I asked why. He said it was chewy.

I’ve started investing in stocks; beef, chicken and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

I dated a hindu girl who would eat chicken or goat but not beef. She said it was a sacred animal.

I didn't get it, i was raised catholic. Our god tastes like cardboard and we still eat him.

Why is ground beef so popular?

Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christians, Muslims, and Jews are always fighting,

but Hindus never have any beef.

When vegans get into an argument is it still called beef?

I have no idea. But if it gets physical, all vegans know the art of foot karate.

They call it tofu.

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

I couldn’t get $GME, so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.

I hope to become a bouillionaire!

I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James.

Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.

There's beef burgers made out of beef, and chicken burgers made out of chicken, but no burgers made out of pork.

They could call it a hamburger.

Why doesn't Dracula eat beef?

Because steak is bad for his heart.

7 day without beef ...

... makes one weak.

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the store to buy some beef Jerky...

The clerk at the counter asks "is that everything sir?"

The man licks his lips and says "yep. Just the jerky"

The clerk responds "OK, but please don't lick my lips ever again."

I went to the store for some beef broth

But they were all out of stock

McDonalds just released a new sandwich made entirely of beef lips.

They're calling it the McJagger.

Where's the beef ?

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bouraguiginon for you, and I got it out of the oven to seas...

What did the beef wellington say to its father that is also its grandfather?

I'm inbred

My Chinese wife never understands what I want when I say "69". It's getting really frustrating.

On the other hand, I do like beef with broccoli in sweet and sour sauce.

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

My doctor insists that I should reduce my ground beef consumption.

So be it, sea cows it is then.

What do Spanish people call leftover beef?

Reincarne

If 2 vegans have an arguement is it beef?

Or is it a qourn-frontation?

My butcher once gave me beef from a female cow.

I said, "I believe this is a Miss Steak".

When two people don't get along, they have a "beef"

But if they were vegetarian, do they Squash it?

What's the difference between a beef wellington and an asteroid?

One is meaty and the other is a little meteor!

I recently bought into a chain of restaurants well-known for their beef dishes

I'm now a major steak holder in the business

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is a lot like beef jerky.

It’s rough, tough, and found easily in truck stops.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cook gets married and the bride is a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed and tries to gently reassure her.

“Darling,” he says, “I know this is your first time and you are very frightened but I promise you, I'll give you anyting you want, I'll do anyting you want. What ...

If two vegetarians get into a fight, would it still be called a beef?

Not sure, depends on what's at steak.

TIFU by ordering a Roast Beef instead of Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.

Oops, wrong sub.

What do you call an overweight average ogre eating beef flavored yogurt?

A mediocre meaty ogre eating meaty yogurt.

Roast beef and pork are both pulled from the oven

The pork says to the beef, "we meat again".

(Courtesy of my 8 year old)

India is a very peaceful country.

Because nobody has any beef over there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does you call a herd of masturbating cows?

Beef Strokingoff.

My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried

His life is at steak

I had beef with my friend

the burgers were delicious

What did one beef patty say to the other beef patty?

Will you be my grill friend?

I tried to throw a slab of beef at my boss

That was a missed steak

Why does Angus beef taste so good?

Because it has a lot of yummy coweries in it!

I forgot I marinated the beef 3 days ago.

I think I put more thyme in it than I should.

I got offered to eat raw beef, but I said no.

I figured the steaks were too high and I probably shouldn’t brisket.

I only eat beef raised on marijuana...

I like it when the steaks are high.

The chef overcooked the beef...

it was a misteak!

You cant argue with people who like their beef well cooked

They are still chewing

I have a friend who seldom eats roast beef because she feels it's not cooked long enough

So it's rare when she eats it, and when she eats it, it's rare

What are the people involved in the beef industry called?

Steak-holders.

[OC] What's the difference between Grade A and Grade B beef?

One studied harder.

When vegans have an argument, is it still beef?

No. It’s leaf.

(My little cousin has just told me the old joke, and I instantaneously made up the answer. Thought I’d share it with you all!)

Why do you only find beef in a folded pizza?

Because it's cowsonly.

Every recipe for meatballs I find says to crack open a couple of eggs into some ground beef.

I guess that's why the two yolk is always in the cow mince

What did the chef say when he cooked up moose meat instead of beef?

"Oh no! I've made a huge MooseSteak!"

If 2 vegans have beef...

It's the one who backs out still a chicken?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) What do you call a competition where you eat beef jerkey?

A jerk-off.

I’m trying to beef up my messaging game.

I’m taking textosterone.

I hear deformed cows aren't the best for yielding beef...

...but they are okay udderwise.

A Colorado company has just given up on THC infused beef

They said the steaks were just too high.

So it seems i lost the cut of beef i was preparing...

...it was a mistake.

- Waiter! Is this a beef or pork steak?

\- Can't you tell by the taste of it?

\- No!

\- Then why do you care?

I've started investing in stocks. Beef, pork, chicken.

With any luck, someday I'll be a bullionaire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chicken or Beef

A man was relaxed in his recliner watching TV and from the kitchen he hears his wife say “ Honey, would you like chicken or beef for dinner?”
The husband thinks it over and shouts “I think I want beef tonight.” The wife shouted back, “Fuck you asshole, you are eating ramen noodles, I was talking...

I invested all of my money on cannabis infused beef.

The steaks are high

What happened to the beef between 50 Cent and Ja Rule?

51

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind...

I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef.

That meant the steaks were just too high for me.

What do you call it when you have a problem with beef?

A mis-STEAK.

(Submitted by my 10 year old.)

My friend nailed some beef to the ceiling and told me to slap it

I told him no

The steaks were too high

When my next door neighbour started throwing chunks of chicken, lamb, beef & pork off his roof, I thought “Wow...

...a meatier shower”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do they decide which cows to use for beef jerky

They pick the bull.ies. (Joke my 11 year old son made up)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men were working on a beef ranch together

Their names are Ron and Mitch. They’re sitting down on a bench after working a few hours and Mitch has been chewing the whole day and he has a cup that he’s been spitting in, the cup is full to the brim with spit and mucus and saliva and he looks over to Ron and says “I’ll give you 20 bucks if you d...

European monarchs are a lot like beef Wellington.

They're in bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?

You don't know?

soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

What do you call not bad, not good brown beef?

Meaty-ochre

What did you call beef that didn't make the cut

a miSTEAK

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