UPJOKE
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I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

Just found out you can’t use Beef Stew as a password

Apparently it’s not Stroganoff

Why doesn't Dracula eat beef?

Because steak is bad for his heart.

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Christians, Muslims, and Jews are always fighting,

but Hindus never have any beef.

I've begun investing heavily in beef, chicken and vegetable stocks.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James.

Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.

My doctor insists that I should reduce my ground beef consumption.

So be it, sea cows it is then.

7 day without beef ...

... makes one weak.

McDonalds just released a new sandwich made entirely of beef lips.

They're calling it the McJagger.

I recently bought into a chain of restaurants well-known for their beef dishes

I'm now a major steak holder in the business

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A cook gets married and the bride is a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed and tries to gently reassure her.

“Darling,” he says, “I know this is your first time and you are very frightened but I promise you, I'll give you anyting you want, I'll do anyting you want. What ...

What do you call a Cow with 3 legs? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with No Legs? Ground Beef. What do you call a Cow with 2 legs?

Your mom

Rosco sat down at the truck stop diner and called the waitress over.

“I’d like the beef stew and a kind word,” he said to the waitress.

After she dropped off the stew he said “What about the kind word?”

The waitress smiled at him and whispered “Don’t eat the stew.”

I went to the store for some beef broth

But they were all out of stock

When two meat-eaters fight, it’s called beef.

When two vegans fight, it’s called a tofeud.

A man moves across country to a new city.

A man moves to a new city and starts a new job.


Lunchtime comes around and his coworker asks him to join him. They go to a restaurant down the road, sit down and he orders the Club Sandwich.

They get their food after a couple of minutes and talk about work.
The man is intrigued...

People are always making fun of vegans, but I don’t get it.

I have never had a beef with one.

All my friends left immediately when they realized I overcooked their steaks…

Guess they didn’t want to have a beef with me

When my next door neighbour started throwing chunks of chicken, lamb, beef & pork off his roof, I thought “Wow...

...a meatier shower”.

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Simple food?

A number of men gathered in the smoking car of a train were talking of the food best calculated to sustain health.

One stout, florid man, with short, gray hair and a self-satisfied air, was holding forth in great style.

"Look at me!" he exclaimed. "Never had a day's sickness in my lif...

I couldn’t get $GME, so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.

I hope to become a bouillionaire!

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar full of £20 notes and a large piece of meat hanging from the ceiling

He confronts the bartender about it, and he explains.

'You put your £20 note in the jar, and then you get 3 jumps where you can try and grab that beef on the ceiling. If you get it, you can keep it and all the money in the jar.'

The man thought about for the moment, shook his head reg...

There's beef burgers made out of beef, and chicken burgers made out of chicken, but no burgers made out of pork.

They could call it a hamburger.

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

Someone tried to fight me because I bought the last steak.

I told him, "I don't have any beef with you."

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A bear goes into a beef and bourbon bar

A bear goes into a beef and bourbon bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says "We don't serve beers to bears in beef and bourbon bars."

The bear is getting angry. "Give me a beer you piece of shit!"

The bartender replies "We don't serve beers to bears in beef and bourbon bars wh...

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said...

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happe...

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

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A man goes to the store to buy some beef Jerky...

The clerk at the counter asks "is that everything sir?"

The man licks his lips and says "yep. Just the jerky"

The clerk responds "OK, but please don't lick my lips ever again."

Smart

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog wha...

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What do you call a cow without legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow masturbating?

Beef stroganoff. (technically cows can't masturbate)

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What's the difference between and Arby's roast beef sandwich and a vagina?

I expect there to be pubes on the sandwich

When two people don't get along, they have a "beef"

But if they were vegetarian, do they Squash it?

My butcher once gave me beef from a female cow.

I said, "I believe this is a Miss Steak".

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

What do Spanish people call leftover beef?

Reincarne

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One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind...

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Remember the good old days when you can walk into a gas station with $1 and walk out with two bags of chips, beef jerky, and a drink?

Nowadays, there’s cameras everywhere.

If 2 vegans have an arguement is it beef?

Or is it a qourn-frontation?

Roast beef and pork are both pulled from the oven

The pork says to the beef, "we meat again".

(Courtesy of my 8 year old)

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef.

That meant the steaks were just too high for me.

When Love Fades......

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, a\*\*hole. I was talking to the c...

I just learned this morning of the whale oil harvesting process…

In the 1800s when sailors were hunting whales for oils, it would take days while one is harpooned to get it into the boat while it passes and fights and the oils would even seep out making it very slippery and challenging to get into the boat so they had to use these beef hooks like butcher beef hoo...

I was going to grill some burgers later

But I dropped the patties and now we're having ground beef

What's the difference between a beef wellington and an asteroid?

One is meaty and the other is a little meteor!

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Sex is a lot like beef jerky.

It’s rough, tough, and found easily in truck stops.

Every recipe for meatballs I find says to crack open a couple of eggs into some ground beef.

I guess that's why the two yolk is always in the cow mince

Ya know I’ve had a lot of Ground Beef over the years but tomorrow I might try some of that :

“Ground Hog” on this “Day”, might be good...

What’s the funniest meat?

Beef Jokey.

I tried to throw a slab of beef at my boss

That was a missed steak

TIFU by ordering a Roast Beef instead of Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.

Oops, wrong sub.

Where do you find a cow that doesn't have any legs

Right where you left it. It isn't going anywhere.



(You thought this was going to be a "ground beef" joke, didn't you?)

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my grandpa tells us about his good old days in Hong Kong

He said, "when I was your age, I can go into the groceries with 10 dollars, and come out with 2 loaves of bread, 2 dozen of eggs, 2 kilos of potatoes, maybe a few cans of soda, plus handful of candies and probably some beef jerky."

We were like, "omg!!! That's a lot!! 10 dollars now can only ...

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(NSFW) What do you call a competition where you eat beef jerkey?

A jerk-off.

Whats the only group of people that cant argue

Vegans. They don't want the beef

I got offered to eat raw beef, but I said no.

I figured the steaks were too high and I probably shouldn’t brisket.

You cant argue with people who like their beef well cooked

They are still chewing

what is the one rule that a gang of vegan bros live by?

Leaf before beef

[OC] What's the difference between Grade A and Grade B beef?

One studied harder.

My friend claims that he can make the best red paint you’ve ever seen out of raw beef

It looks great, but it’s only meaty ochre

Why is ground beef so popular?

Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

My friend nailed some beef to the ceiling and told me to slap it

I told him no

The steaks were too high

I forgot I marinated the beef 3 days ago.

I think I put more thyme in it than I should.

Despite the Corona virus, sales of cheese and beef have gone way up in India. How?

There is a New Delhi that opened up.

What do you call a cow with...

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef

What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak

What do you call a cow with no legs lying in a hole? Fil

What do you call a cow with no legs lying next to a hole? Dug

What d...

A Colorado company has just given up on THC infused beef

They said the steaks were just too high.

So it seems i lost the cut of beef i was preparing...

...it was a mistake.

If two vegetarians get into a fight, would it still be called a beef?

Not sure, depends on what's at steak.

Collecting Name Jokes

I know there are a whole bunch of these but I only remember a few, please post any you think of!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your pool? Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs...

What are the people involved in the beef industry called?

Steak-holders.

Why do you only find beef in a folded pizza?

Because it's cowsonly.

My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried

His life is at steak

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