I tried changing my password to beef...

...but it wasn't stroganoff.

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

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Last night I was sitting in the couch and watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen " what do you want for dinner honey? Chicken, beef or lamb?

I replied "Thank you love. I feel like having chicken."

She replied " You're having soup you fat bastard. I'm talking to the dog."

My IT admin says I can't use "beef stew" as a password...

He says it isn't Stroganoff.

I've started investing in stocks. Beef, pork, chicken.

With any luck, someday I'll be a bullionaire.

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What do you call a masterbating cow?

Beef stroganoff

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup

Every recipe for meatballs I find says to crack open a couple of eggs into some ground beef.

I guess that's why the two yolk is always in the cow mince

why are hindus so nice

they never have beef

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

Why is india such a peaceful country?

There is no beef there

You shouldn't eat beef of a cow fed with marijuana.

The steaks will be high.

Where's the beef ?

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bouraguiginon for you, and I got it out of the oven to seas...

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I'll let you in on the secret to making the BEST beef jerky...

You need to feed the cows coffee.

Where does China get its beef from?

From Macau

What unit of energy do you get from beef ?

Cowlories.

I got caught up in a religious protest for vegetarianism before. It was weird enough to start with but it got surreal when I saw a nun throw a huge fish into the village pond and then a monk trying to get it out again only to end up being a large slab of beef instead.

Still not sure what was weirder, seeing the nun chuck fish or the monk fish chuck.

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Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?

You don't know?

soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

**your mom**

- Waiter! Is this a beef or pork steak?

\- Can't you tell by the taste of it?

\- No!

\- Then why do you care?

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

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What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?

*Beef-strokin-off*

A local casino is offering marijuana infused beef to their best bettors.

That’s really high steaks for their high rollers.

The chef overcooked the beef...

it was a misteak!

When vegans have an argument, is it still beef?

No. It’s leaf.

(My little cousin has just told me the old joke, and I instantaneously made up the answer. Thought I’d share it with you all!)

A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their cloth...

A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs

His friend refuses saying he won’t assist in a suet side!

(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

If two Vegans are arguing, is it still considered beef?

Asking for a friend

I don't think making the world's biggest piece of cooked beef was McDonalds' greatest ideea.

In fact, I believe it was quite a huge McSteak.

A guy walks into a bar and notices many cuts of beef suspended from the ceiling several feet above his head.

The guy orders a drink and asks the bartender about the meat.
The bartender replies, "It's a contest I run here. You get one try. If you can jump high enough to touch one of them, you get the money in the pot . If you miss, you have to put $500 in. You want to try?"
The guy thinks for a second...

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Two men were working on a beef ranch together

Their names are Ron and Mitch. They’re sitting down on a bench after working a few hours and Mitch has been chewing the whole day and he has a cup that he’s been spitting in, the cup is full to the brim with spit and mucus and saliva and he looks over to Ron and says “I’ll give you 20 bucks if you d...

Did you hear about McDonald's new burger made entirely of beef lips?

It's called the McJagger.

What do you call not bad, not good brown beef?

Meaty-ochre

Why was the beef scared?

Because it was on tenderhooks.



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A herd of masturbating cattle is called Beef Stroganoff, but what do you call it when they do it to each other?

Hamburger Helper

If 2 vegans have beef...

It's the one who backs out still a chicken?

How do you sell beans for the price of beef?

Make vegan burger.

Even the best farmers or engineers failed to develop a brand of cannabis-fed beef meat

The steaks were too high

If the opening night of my marijuana-smoked beef restaurant isn’t a success, I could lose everything.

The steaks are so high.

With many truck routes blocked from Wildfire, California residents are having beef shipments airdropped to them.

The steaks have never been higher.

Everything we eat always seems to taste like chicken, beef or pork, except for snake.

That always tastes like my ex.

I put my name into a drawing in order to win a tiny broom used to clean beef.

I hope I win this sweep steaks

My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried

His life is at steak

Why is ground beef so popular?

Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.

If two vegetarians get into a fight, would it still be called a beef?

Not sure, depends on what's at steak.

I can make you speak Irish

Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly

A Chinese couple is in bed ...

and the husband asks, "Hey, how about a little 69?" She replies, "You want Beef and Broccoli now?"

A total Dad joke I heard this holiday.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.

Sorry Reddit :-)

A chicken gives us eggs, a cow gives us beef. What does a pig give us?

A bloody speeding ticket

People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it.

I've never had a beef with one.

What do you call an overweight average ogre eating beef flavored yogurt?

A mediocre meaty ogre eating meaty yogurt.

My niece wouldn't eat the beef tongue because it came out of the mouth of an animal.

I then prepared her an egg...

European monarchs are a lot like beef Wellington.

They're in bread.

You know which group doesn't have beef with anyone?

Hindus.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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