I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

What do you call a cow with a taste for beef?

A cannibull

69

A Chinese couple has finally made it to their hotel on their wedding night. She says, my love we are finally married. Anything you want tonight, just ask.

He says, how about a 69?

She says, you want beef with broccoli?!?!?!?!

[OC] What's the difference between Grade A and Grade B beef?

One studied harder.

Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.

It is not stroganoff.

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

A popular army joke (I have no beef with the marines, I just thought this was funny)

After serving in the US army for about four years, two young men head to their home state of Florida. One of them decides they wanted to make a pair of alligator boots, so they head to a fishing hole in the swamp.

They ask the guy working there for the necessary equipment, some bait, a net,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember the good old days when you can walk into a gas station with $1 and walk out with two bags of chips, beef jerky, and a drink?

Nowadays, there’s cameras everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

What's the difference between a beef wellington and an asteroid?

One is meaty and the other is a little meteor!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the store to buy some beef Jerky...

The clerk at the counter asks "is that everything sir?"

The man licks his lips and says "yep. Just the jerky"

The clerk responds "OK, but please don't lick my lips ever again."

A cow with no legs is ground beef. A cow with 3 legs is lean beef. But what do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your Mom

What happened to the beef between 50 Cent and Ja Rule?

51

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup.

Anyone can roast beef, but it’s not easy to pea soup.

My friend claims that he can make the best red paint you’ve ever seen out of raw beef

It looks great, but it’s only meaty ochre

I hear deformed cows aren't the best for yielding beef...

...but they are okay udderwise.

Despite the Corona virus, sales of cheese and beef have gone way up in India. How?

There is a New Delhi that opened up.

India is a very peaceful country.

Because nobody has any beef over there.

I forgot I marinated the beef 3 days ago.

I think I put more thyme in it than I should.

A Colorado company has just given up on THC infused beef

They said the steaks were just too high.

My friend nailed some beef to the ceiling and told me to slap it

I told him no

The steaks were too high

An African American woman named Bethany goes to the butchers to see if they have any beef.

"No, black Betty. Ham or lamb"

What do rappers and vegans have in common?

Fake beef

What are the people involved in the beef industry called?

Steak-holders.

What happens when you drop a steak on the floor?

It becomes ground beef.

TIFU by ordering a Roast Beef instead of Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.

Oops, wrong sub.

What do you call the argument between two vegans?

A plant-based beef.




P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do they decide which cows to use for beef jerky

They pick the bull.ies. (Joke my 11 year old son made up)

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

I tried to throw a slab of beef at my boss

That was a missed steak

Why does Angus beef taste so good?

Because it has a lot of yummy coweries in it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin' off!

I’m trying to beef up my messaging game.

I’m taking textosterone.

If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?

Or a beet down?

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

Started investing in beef and chicken stock.

I want to be a bouillonaire.

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

Every recipe for meatballs I find says to crack open a couple of eggs into some ground beef.

I guess that's why the two yolk is always in the cow mince

What do you call it when you have a problem with beef?

A mis-STEAK.

(Submitted by my 10 year old.)

Why don’t vegans argue with each other?

They don’t want any beef.

I don’t understand why people don’t seem to get along with vegetarians.

I have never had a beef with one.

What kind of meat do you get from Minecraft cows?

Cornered Beef

When vegans have an argument, is it still beef?

No. It’s leaf.

(My little cousin has just told me the old joke, and I instantaneously made up the answer. Thought I’d share it with you all!)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

Why are Hindus so friendly?

They don’t have beef with anyone.


Sorry if this terrible joke might be offensive.

I’m a fat man starting to feel spiritual

As I looked into all the different religions, I found that that all of them, in one way or another, involved abstaining from food. Hindus, for example all give up beef. Mormons boycott alcohol and coffee. As a Catholic you can eat anything most of the year, but have to give up the foods like most fo...

I've started investing in stocks. Beef, pork, chicken.

With any luck, someday I'll be a bullionaire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

Midnight Snack

An old man went downstairs one night to find his wife grabbing a midnight snack from the fridge.

Well one thing led to another and the couple started getting frisky. They closed the door to the fridge which left them in complete darkness.

The old man tells his wife to get on the tabl...

- Waiter! Is this a beef or pork steak?

\- Can't you tell by the taste of it?

\- No!

\- Then why do you care?

During this pandemic I'm buying lots of stocks.

Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!

A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs

His friend refuses saying he won’t assist in a suet side!

(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)

Where's the beef ?

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bouraguiginon for you, and I got it out of the oven to seas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?

You don't know?

soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll let you in on the secret to making the BEST beef jerky...

You need to feed the cows coffee.

You shouldn't eat beef of a cow fed with marijuana.

The steaks will be high.

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

McDonalds recently canceled their plans for the sandwich made entirely from beef lips.

It was gonna be called the McJagger.

What unit of energy do you get from beef ?

Cowlories.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.

Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.


Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."

Who is the most dangerous person to gamble with?

A beef rancher because they always raise the steaks

I don't think making the world's biggest piece of cooked beef was McDonalds' greatest ideea.

In fact, I believe it was quite a huge McSteak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men were working on a beef ranch together

Their names are Ron and Mitch. They’re sitting down on a bench after working a few hours and Mitch has been chewing the whole day and he has a cup that he’s been spitting in, the cup is full to the brim with spit and mucus and saliva and he looks over to Ron and says “I’ll give you 20 bucks if you d...

A local casino is offering marijuana infused beef to their best bettors.

That’s really high steaks for their high rollers.

Why is ground beef so popular?

Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.

The chef overcooked the beef...

it was a misteak!

What do you call it when a cow pleasures himself?

Some say MOOsterbation, but I’ve always been partial to Beef Strokinoff.

My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried

His life is at steak

A guy walks into a bar and notices many cuts of beef suspended from the ceiling several feet above his head.

The guy orders a drink and asks the bartender about the meat.
The bartender replies, "It's a contest I run here. You get one try. If you can jump high enough to touch one of them, you get the money in the pot . If you miss, you have to put $500 in. You want to try?"
The guy thinks for a second...

What do you call not bad, not good brown beef?

Meaty-ochre

If two vegetarians get into a fight, would it still be called a beef?

Not sure, depends on what's at steak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A herd of masturbating cattle is called Beef Stroganoff, but what do you call it when they do it to each other?

Hamburger Helper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hand Jobs $20 (NSFW)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads

Grilled Cheese - $3
Ham and Cheese $5
Roast Beef - $6
Hand jobs -$20

A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?"

"Are you the one that gives the han...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a food fight at the burger joint, but I didn't participate.

I had no beef in that fight.

Even the best farmers or engineers failed to develop a brand of cannabis-fed beef meat

The steaks were too high

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