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Ham Jokes

That's a nice ham you've got there...

... it'd be a shame if somebody put an 's' at the front and an 'e' at the end.

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"Do you know the difference between a Blowjob and a ham sandwich?"

"No why?"

"Perfect, let's go to lunch"

I used to have an addiction to ham.

But now I'm cured.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

Congratulations West Ham

The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar...

The sandwich tells the bartender, "Hey, I'll take a beer."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

What do Green Eggs and Ham, and Fifty Shades of Gray have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

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What’s long, green and smells like ham?

Kermit’s dick

How does a stoner bake his Christmas ham?

420°, glaze it.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

Ham

There was a butcher that had a special request for the local hooker. His request to the hooker was he wanted to use his own smoked ham instead of her hand. Once he was finished, he said to her " that was probably the first hamjob you have ever done"

I tried explaining to people why I bought a leg of ham through the mail.

But they weren't interested in my post-hock justifications.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders minced pork shoulder and ham, pressed it into a block and served in a can.

POST REMOVED

**Rule 3 - No Spam posts.**

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner…..

After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her friend asked her, 'Why did you cut off the end of the ham'?
And she replied , 'I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.'
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why sh...

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

There's a floating piece of ham!

I'll believe it when pigs fly.

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Damn Ham

A preacher was invited to a dinner by a nice family. When the preacher arrived the mother realized they did not have a ham for the dinner. She then asked the preacher if he could go to the store to grab a ham. Preacher agrees and heads to the grocery store. The preacher asked a stocker if they had a...

Why was the ham from Alabama?

He was in bread.

A roadside cafe sells ham sandwiches and handjobs

The sign reads “Ham Sandwiches: $3, Handjobs: $10”.

An elderly woman is standing behind the counter. A customer walks up and says, “Are you the one that gives the handjobs?”

“Yes I am!” she replies.

“Well, wash your goddamn hands, I want a ham sandwich!”

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Damn ham

A religious woman walks into the meat store to get food for dinner. She asks the butcher, “What’s that ham? It looks good. The butcher says, “Thats damn ham.” The woman, being religious, says “I don’t like people saying words like that. Please don’t.” The butcher says, “No, that’s just the name of t...

My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

How do you turn ham into a bird?

Leave it out for a week until it turns fowl

I don't like to eat anything labeled "reformed ham"

As I think it is unfair that the pigs are slaughtered after they've got their lives back on track.

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

A ham goes to the doctors

Ham: Hey doc, tell me, am I going to be alright?

Doctor: You're cured

Analogies are like ham sandwiches.

I am currently making one.

My coworker keeps complaining about his lunch being stolen from the break room fridge.

Monday morning he brought in a turkey and provolone on wheat bread. Put it in the fridge. By lunch time it was gone.

Tuesday he brought in ham and cheddar on white bread. Put it in the fridge, again gone by lunch.

Today he brought a chicken ceaser wrap. Gone by noon.

I hope he...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

I was in the library once when a man walked in asking for some ham and cheese.

The librarian politely told him that he was in a library.

The man first apologized and then whispered to the librarian, "Can I please have some ham and cheese?"

A ham searches how to become bacon

The answer they find is: just cook yourself lol

The ham: thanks im cured

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

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A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich

Barman: You’re a duck and you can talk?!

Duck: Quite observant I see, Don’t worry I can pay.

Barman: I’m terribly sorry if I offended you, might I ask, what brings you to a bar like this?

Duck: If you must know, I work on the construction site across the road, if you don’t mind ...

TIFU by putting ham in a muslim lady's foot long

Whoops wrong sub

Edit: Apparently this is the original version of the joke https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2qmkf0/tifu_by_mixing_up_by_wifes_sandwich_order_at/

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Pass the Dam ham.

A preacher is at church preparing his sermon for the following Sunday when his wife calls. She tells him some friends are in town for a few days and she has invited them over for dinner that night. She then asks him to stop by the butcher shop on the way home and pick up the best ham they have. She ...

Two hunters lost in the woods

They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a su...

What did the Ham Sandwich say to his girlfriend, the Cheese Sandwich ?

You’re Grate in Bread.

A guy walks in a small town grocery store

He proceeds to ask the seller:

"Do you have camembert cheese?"

To which the seller asks:

"What is camembert cheese? Never heard of it before."

Arrogantly, our guy says:

"Well, it's a soft cheese with white mould on top, it's a delicacy."

Seller ponders a bit...

I don’t follow English soccer, but if I did, I’d be a supporter of West Ham.

The two things ISIS hates the most.

So a turkey and a ham are walking into a cancer survivors meeting...

The ham looks over at the turkey and says:

"What are you doing here? You aren't cured. "

I asked for a ham and swiss, you gave me a meatball instead

Woops, wrong sub.

What's the difference between a turkey sandwich and a ham sandwich?

A turkey sandwich doesn't recognize the Armenian genocide

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