That's a nice ham you've got there.

It'd be a shame if someone put an 's' at the start of it, and an 'e' at the end.

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

A ham sandwich walks into

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here

Ham

There was a butcher that had a special request for the local hooker. His request to the hooker was he wanted to use his own smoked ham instead of her hand. Once he was finished, he said to her " that was probably the first hamjob you have ever done"

How do you say "let's go eat ham" in Spanish?

Jamon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

Analogies are like ham sandwiches.

I am currently making one.

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrig...

My cat needed to take some antibiotics recently, so I wrapped it up in ham

When it couldn't run away it made the whole process much easier.

My dad loves to boast about he can get Mexico on his ham radio set up.

That's nothing I'd say, I can open my window and get Chili.

Did you hear the one about the Ham Radio Operator's kids?

They di-dit and di-dit 'cuz their dah-dah di-dit!

I think my ham radio equipment may have fallen in love with me.

It hasn't said anything but I've been picking up a lot of signals.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn ham

A religious woman walks into the meat store to get food for dinner. She asks the butcher, “What’s that ham? It looks good. The butcher says, “Thats damn ham.” The woman, being religious, says “I don’t like people saying words like that. Please don’t.” The butcher says, “No, that’s just the name of t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Do you know the difference between a Blowjob and a ham sandwich?"

"No why?"

"Perfect, let's go to lunch"

I made a ham & cheese sculpture of Shrek, but it didn't come out too well...

It was a mediocre meaty ogre.

A ham searches how to become bacon

The answer they find is: just cook yourself lol

The ham: thanks im cured

A ham goes to the doctors

Ham: Hey doc, tell me, am I going to be alright?

Doctor: You're cured

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

What is the difference between hot potato and a flying pig?

One's a heated yam, and one's a yeeted ham.

I just opened a packet of ham, it said "POLISH TASTE" on the label.

...it tastes of polish.

What's green and smells like ham?

Kermit the Frog's finger

What did the police officer say to the pig thief?

Come out with your hams up!

I just started following English soccer, and West Ham is my favorite team.

It’s named after two things ISIS hates.

2 people were walking through the woods, and one of them was really hungry.

He pointed at a tree and said, "Look, a bacon tree!" He ran towards it, and immediately got hit by 3 rocks in the chest, legs and hip.

The other person said,

"That wasn't a bacon tree, that was a ham bush."

I signed up for the newsletter at my local ham market.

But all they sent was a bunch of spam.

What do you get when you pick a pigs nose?

Ham boogers.

What do you call a pork based subscription service?

OnlyHams

Why did the astronomer use two hams to row his boat?

He liked meaty oars.

If you get an email that says canned ham can cause swine flu..

Just delete it because it's Spam

Jacking off and being a pig

Kinda go Ham in hand

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...

"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.

"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.

Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian."

"No, ma'am, I think you misunderstoo...

A Rabbi at the meat counter

He points at a beautiful piece of ham. "I'd like to have some of the fish there"

"But Rabbi! This is ham!"

The Rabbi shakes his head. "I didn't ask for the name of the fish!"

Blonde Construction Worker

Every day, three construction workers, one Mexican, one Italian, and one blonde, climb up to the highest steel girder in the building that they are all working on and eat their lunch.

One day, the Mexican worker opens up his lunchbox and sees that yet again his wife has packed him bean burrit...

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot in his nose, cabbage in his ears and ham over his eyes. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.

The doctor replies “Well it looks like you’re not eating right.”

Farmer Dave and Farmer Bill are in a quarrel...

Bill decides to sneak over to Dave’s Farm and covers Dave’s wife with an assortment of leftover ham dinners.

The next day, Bill sneaks over again and places more ham onto Dave’s wife.

This happens everyday for the next week.

Dave’s wife is fed with being covered in ham and co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

TIFU by putting ham in a muslim lady's foot long

Whoops wrong sub

Edit: Apparently this is the original version of the joke https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2qmkf0/tifu_by_mixing_up_by_wifes_sandwich_order_at/

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on...

Two Slices in a Ham Sandwich Marry Each Other.

I bet their children will be inbread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

AITA For getting my daughter a turkey sandwich from subway instead of ham?

She asked for ham but she usually picks off the ham, so I thought I would get her turkey so she can try something new. Just wondering, if I am the asshole I understand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George The Mailman

It’s George The Mailman’s last day on the job after 30 years and the last go at his route. He delivers mail to the first house and there is a nice little envelope with his name on it and a $20 bill thanking him for his loyal service over the years. The second house had a nicely wrapped package for h...

What do children learn from Green Eggs and Ham?

If someone you strongly dislike really really wants you to eat something strange for no apparent reason, you should try it.

I accidentally ordered a ham and cheddar instead of a turkey and swiss...

Whoops, wrong sub

You may think i'm odd for eating ham and pineapple sandwiches..

But hey..
That's just Hawaii roll.

How does a Ham Radio buff send a break-up message?

Remorse Code

A recent widow, Elizabeth, gets dressed up in her mourning cloths and goes shopping for the week

She's known the butcher for years and says "Every year my husband insisted on a turkey for Easter. But now that he's dead, I can have whatever I want! I was thinking I'd do a nice roast or maybe a meatloaf. Is that traditional?"

The butcher just shakes his head. "No, black Betty. Ham or lamb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the best name for the groups of armed anti-stay-at-home protesters?

Vanilla Isis

Flu Klux Klan

Lack Panthers

HamAss

Meal Team Six

Gravy Seals

Irrational Guard

Y'all Qaeda

Branch Covidians

Boko Moron

The Coughedaracy

101st Chairborne

Cosplaytriots

The Yeehadis

Hogan's Ze...

Two soldiers are lost in the desert, thirsty and starving.

Ahead they see a tree with strips of meat hanging from its branches.

"A bacon tree!" the first exclaims and he runs towards it only to be cut down by a sniper's bullet.

"That's no bacon tree," says the other. " That's a ham-bush!"

What do you call a Muslim with a piece of ham on his head

Hamed... What do you call one with two pieces of ham on his head
Morhamed

Longtime Friends - Priest and a Rabbi (LONG)

Every Tuesday for the last 25 years a priest and a rabbi have met at the local diner to have lunch and kvetch about things.


This day, while eating lunch and waxing philosophical, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks him, "We've known each other for over 25 years. All this time I'm cu...

Long... Three builders...

Three builders are working on top of a tall building and decide to break for lunch. First guy opens his lunchbox and sees a ham and cheese sandwich. "I'm sick and tired of ham and cheese sandwiches, that's two weeks in a row now with nothing but ham and cheese sandwiches, if I get this tomorrow I'm ...

What do you call a drunk arab?

Hammed

What do you call a really drunk arab?

MoHammed

A rabbit hops into a bar

And asks the bartender for a ham and cheese toastie.

The bartender, surprised, forks it over and says 'two pounds, please'

The rabbit pays and leaves.

The next day, the same rabbit comes in and asks the same thing- '' ham and cheese toastie, please''

This goes on for quit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about...

The terrorist that was recently caught at a London airport with 3 cans of Spam jammed up his arse?

Police later confirmed he was a member of Ham Ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three cowboys are out on the range (long).

It's been a long day and all are hungry. The first cowboy rummages in his saddlebags and pulls out a strip of meat to munch on.

"Got any more of that?" asks the second

"Nope. But I can show you where to get some: the bacon-tree."

"The whut?"

"The bacon-tree. It's two hour...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hand Jobs $20 (NSFW)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads

Grilled Cheese - $3
Ham and Cheese $5
Roast Beef - $6
Hand jobs -$20

A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?"

"Are you the one that gives the han...

Guy walks into a bar..

There is a sign in the doorway that says “CHEESE SANDWICH - $2, HAM SANDWICH - $5, HAND JOB - $10.” He looks behind the bar to see an attractive young woman. He walks to the bar and asks her, “Excuse me, are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” “Yesss,”she replies, smiling. He says, “Well wash your...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.