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Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

A ham sandwich walks into a bar...

The sandwich tells the bartender, "Hey, I'll take a beer."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner…..

After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her friend asked her, 'Why did you cut off the end of the ham'?
And she replied , 'I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.'
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why sh...

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What’s long, green and smells like ham?

Kermit’s dick

My son was making dinner in the kitchen so I said to him, "That’s a nice ham you’ve got there!"

"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end!"

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

I was in the library once when a man walked in asking for some ham and cheese.

The librarian politely told him that he was in a library.

The man first apologized and then whispered to the librarian, "Can I please have some ham and cheese?"

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Apples

A guy is driving down a winding country road when he see's a sign.

The Sign says "Apples $10/Each"

The guy thinks "Wow, that's expensive, let me see why they cost $10"

He drives into the stand and asks the Farmer "Why are your Apples $10?"

The Farmer says "Well, my Apple...

What's the difference between a microwaved sweet potato and a ham thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders minced pork shoulder and ham, pressed it into a block and served in a can.

POST REMOVED

**Rule 3 - No Spam posts.**

A roadside cafe sells ham sandwiches and handjobs

The sign reads “Ham Sandwiches: $3, Handjobs: $10”.

An elderly woman is standing behind the counter. A customer walks up and says, “Are you the one that gives the handjobs?”

“Yes I am!” she replies.

“Well, wash your goddamn hands, I want a ham sandwich!”

Two cowboys are lost in the dessert,

They haven’t eaten in days and are close to death. Suddenly one see a tree covered in bacon. ‘We’re saved’ he cry’s ‘a bacon tree.’ and he runs towards it. He is shot to death.

It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

“Just hit my hand as hard as you can”

Two workers were digging underground at a construction site . It was really a tiring job.

Worker A: “Why the hell we need to do all the hard job here for only a meager pay, while that arrogant foreman just sits there sipping the tea so comfy, and pockets much more than us?”

Worker B, ...

How do you turn ham into a bird?

Leave it out for a week until it turns fowl

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Memories of my grandma

I grew up with 2 brothers and a sister. Our parents tried their best - but it was difficult for them to make time for each of us as individuals. That's why each of the kids alternated spending a weekend at grandma's every month.

I always looked forward to that Saturday morning breakfast. G...

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"Do you know the difference between a Blowjob and a ham sandwich?"

"No why?"

"Perfect, let's go to lunch"

How do you say "let's go eat ham" in Spanish?

Jamon

I don't like to eat anything labeled "reformed ham"

As I think it is unfair that the pigs are slaughtered after they've got their lives back on track.

A priest and a rabbi are having lunch

They have been friends for years, talking about their lives and their faith over lunch for as long as they can remember.

One day the priest says, "My friend, I must ask a difficult question, and if you don't answer, I'll understand. But I am too curious. Your faith prohibits you from eating...

What do you call a Korean ham and onion greeting each other?

Onion-ham say “yo”

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A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich

Barman: You’re a duck and you can talk?!

Duck: Quite observant I see, Don’t worry I can pay.

Barman: I’m terribly sorry if I offended you, might I ask, what brings you to a bar like this?

Duck: If you must know, I work on the construction site across the road, if you don’t mind ...

Three builders are up on the scaffold one day [long]

They are discussing their lunches. The first builder says ''You know lads, I've been getting the same bloody ham sandwich, every day, for the last 10 years. If my wife makes me ONE MORE ham sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump right off this scaffold and end it all.''

The second builder says ''ha, t...

A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100.

Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”

Ham

There was a butcher that had a special request for the local hooker. His request to the hooker was he wanted to use his own smoked ham instead of her hand. Once he was finished, he said to her " that was probably the first hamjob you have ever done"

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Damn Ham

A preacher was invited to a dinner by a nice family. When the preacher arrived the mother realized they did not have a ham for the dinner. She then asked the preacher if he could go to the store to grab a ham. Preacher agrees and heads to the grocery store. The preacher asked a stocker if they had a...

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The Memory Man

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the barman when he spotted an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.
“That’s the Memory Man.” sa...

What do you use to clean a pig?

Ham sanitizer

A spreadable preserve made of good French ham

Bon jambon jam.

What did the Jamaican guy say to the Mexican guy when he asked him if he likes ham?

Ja món

I'm not fully vegetarian, I'm just cutting down on meat to mitigate negative outcomes.

It's called "ham reduction"

My cat needed to take some antibiotics recently, so I wrapped it up in ham

When it couldn't run away it made the whole process much easier.

Analogies are like ham sandwiches.

I am currently making one.

The oldest joke I know. Three men are working on a building site.

Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.

The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.

“By god” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years and every day, despite me telling her how ...

Congratulations West Ham

The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?

Because batman swore to protect goth ham

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Damn ham

A religious woman walks into the meat store to get food for dinner. She asks the butcher, “What’s that ham? It looks good. The butcher says, “Thats damn ham.” The woman, being religious, says “I don’t like people saying words like that. Please don’t.” The butcher says, “No, that’s just the name of t...

I just started following English soccer, and West Ham is my favorite team.

It’s named after two things ISIS hates.

A ham goes to the doctors

Ham: Hey doc, tell me, am I going to be alright?

Doctor: You're cured

What the ham sandwich?

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"


The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."


The priest then asks, ...

My dad loves to boast about he can get Mexico on his ham radio set up.

That's nothing I'd say, I can open my window and get Chili.

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Last day on the job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope....

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it.

It's spam.

What would you call a potion brewing pig in the desert?

A ham sand witch.

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrig...

TIFU by putting ham in a muslim lady's foot long

Whoops wrong sub

Edit: Apparently this is the original version of the joke https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2qmkf0/tifu_by_mixing_up_by_wifes_sandwich_order_at/

I just opened a packet of ham, it said "POLISH TASTE" on the label.

...it tastes of polish.

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot in his nose, cabbage in his ears and ham over his eyes. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.

The doctor replies “Well it looks like you’re not eating right.”

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AITA For getting my daughter a turkey sandwich from subway instead of ham?

She asked for ham but she usually picks off the ham, so I thought I would get her turkey so she can try something new. Just wondering, if I am the asshole I understand.

3 construction workers on the Empire State Building are hanging lunch

The first guys opens his lunch box and finds his usual ham and cheese sandwich. He begins to shout,”IF MY WIFE MAKES ME AN OTHER STUPID HAM AND CHEESE IM JUMPING OFF THIS BUILDING”

The second guy opens his lunch box and finds his usual BLT. He begins to shout,”IF MY WIFE MAKES ME AN OTHER STU...

Why did the astronomer use two hams to row his boat?

He liked meaty oars.

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Pass the Dam ham.

A preacher is at church preparing his sermon for the following Sunday when his wife calls. She tells him some friends are in town for a few days and she has invited them over for dinner that night. She then asks him to stop by the butcher shop on the way home and pick up the best ham they have. She ...

I accidentally ordered a ham and cheddar instead of a turkey and swiss...

Whoops, wrong sub

What do you call a Muslim with a piece of ham on his head

Hamed... What do you call one with two pieces of ham on his head
Morhamed

You may think i'm odd for eating ham and pineapple sandwiches..

But hey..
That's just Hawaii roll.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Two men are lost in the desert when they spot a tree covered in bacon.

One of the men exclaims "a bacon tree! we're saved". However as he rushes over to it he dies in a hail of bullets. It turns out that it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

How does a Ham Radio buff send a break-up message?

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