UPJOKE
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An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

What's the difference between a riddle and an elephant sitting on a bun?

One is conundrum and the other is a bununderhim.

when I worked at Wendy's, the company insisted that whoever made the burgers must draw the mustard onto the bun as a "W"

but I would draw the mustard onto burgers as an "M" and no one ever found out.

My German sausage didn't come with a bun...

It was just the wurst.

What kind of bun always goes to hell?

A cinnabun!

Why couldn't the hot dog impregnate the bun?

Too many condoments.

What do you call two hotdog buns from the same bakery?

-What do you call two hotdog buns from the same bakery?

-Breadthren

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What do you call it when you put your meat between two buns?

A sandwich, you sick fuck.

What is the difference between a sausage in a bun and Pacman?

One's a hotdog and the other's a dot hog.

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner....

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean...

I’m known as The Sandwich

Because I like meat in between my buns

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man'...

My sister told me she just baked some synonym buns...

I replied “you mean, just like the ones grammar used to make?”

One day, Hot Dog Bun Boy came home from school...

His mother saw him come in looking pretty glum and asked, "What's the matter Hot Dog Bun Boy? Did something happen?"

Hot Dog Bun Boy replied, "I was in my history class and it's so frustrating that there are no lessons at all about Hot Dog Buns like us! It's so unfair!"

The mother cam...

What do you call two burger buns that came out of the oven stuck to each other?

Sesamese twins.

Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns?

So it doesn’t Hang Solow

Got into a fight at Bunnings once

It was a close one, but I beat them by 10%.

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Australian sitting in a cafe, drinking coffee, eating bun with jam

American comes to cafe,sits down to the Australian and while chewing his gum asks:

"Do you, the Australians, eat all the slice of bread?"

"Of course", Australian response.

Smiling American blows gum bubble and says:

"We do not. In America, we eat only a soft portion of th...

What do you call an antique comb used to make braids, buns, and Celtic knots passed from generation to generation

Hair loom.

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.

The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”
She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”
He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”

I'm having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today...

That's Hawaii roll...

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The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests.

He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an i...

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A man goes to the doctor to ask about options for penis enlargement.

He says, "doc, it's tiny. My pinky finger has more girth. I'm afraid my wife is going to leave me if I don't do something about it."

The doctor replies, "well, if you're really that small, I don't think medication is an option. However, there is an experimental surgery I've been developing, w...

I was working in a bakery and fell onto a bun

I guess you could say I'm on a roll

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot dog bun?

Frank

Did you hear about Dwayne Johnson and the cinnamon bun?

They say it's rock and roll.

Everytime I hear, there's a bun in the oven

I can only think of the inefficiency in cooking one bun at a time.

Man Bun? or Douche Knot?

neither, it's a fairy tail.

An indecisive hot dog got a bun pregnant.

He didn't know what condoment

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The Ice Sculpture contest [OC]

Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants. The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season lead to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own. ...

Beautiful Buns

From my father.

So there was this man and woman whom had been married for many years and were still very much in love. Their anniversary was coming up and the wife wanted to do something very special for her husband and comes up with a wonderful gesture.

She goes to a tattoo parlor an...

Went to the zoo and one of the enclosures just had a load of burger buns on the floor.

The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity

Did you hear about the two loaves of bread that fell in love?

They decided to raise some dough, put a bun in the oven, and grow mold together.

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Cockerspaniel

An Iranian man moves to Canada. His English isn't the best but he gets by. He's feeling lonely so he goes to the pet store to buy a dog.

Guy: "I'd like to buy a cockandsmackit please"

Employee: "You mean a cockerspaniel?"

Guy:: "Ya that's what I said, a cockandsmackit"

He...

You're probably Ghana think"no one will Bolivia. There's just Norway."

I thought I Kuwait but then I Saudi Turkey, Iraq of ribs and a Canada best sauce and my Bahrain was like Oman, I Israel Hungary... so Iran to the kitchen to put Greece in the pan.

I hoped it could get Finnish quickly and because I was Russian, I didn't Czech the label and accidentally added ...

I just put my hair in a bun.

It wasn't very nice, I think I'll try it with a croissant next time.

My friend and I just opened a bakery!

As an opening day special we added a sugary coating to all products at no extra charge.

We came out all buns glazing!

Hot dogs

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign for the special of the day: hot dogs -- regular, bun length, foot-long and colossal. "Give me two hot dogs," the guy tells the bartender. "How long do you want 'em?" the bartender asks. "Oh," the guy replies, "I thought I'd get to keep them."

Mich grabbed his Meat. Sam grabbed her buns...

The made little sam'miches together. <3

What does a baker says after cracking a wordplay joke?

Bun intended

Ketchup and rubber buns

DAD: "Ok, so after every question i ask you you must say ketchup and rubber buns".

KID: Gotcha.

DAD: what did you buy at the store?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What did you have for dinner?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What do you do when an ol...

The Baker

I know a guy who's a baker in the army. He goes into battle all buns glazing.


Sorry sorry. Bad one.

"Hey, can I try feeding your snake?"

"Sure. His bread is in the pantry."

"Your snake eats... Bread?"

"My anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, hun."

Why are hot pickle buns so popular in polish women's prisons?

They're made out of dill dough.

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Health Violation

A man orders a hot dog with relish from a street vendor. The vendor grabs the dog with his bare hands and puts it on a bun. He then applies the relish with his fingers. The man pulls out a badge and says, "I'm the health inspector and I'm shutting you down!" The vendor pleads with the inspector and ...

Where do all the bad hamburger buns live?

In the seedy part of town

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells an employee that she’d like to buy a rabbit.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

I had just stuck my wiener into some golden buns when I realized...

I forgot a condiment.

Why do anacondas like hamburgers?

Cause it got buns, hun

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery

As they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket.

He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me."

The Irishman scoffed back, "That's jus...

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A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

A man walked into the doctor's surgery

He had half a bun on his head, a sausage behind his ear, several pickles in his shirt and an ice cream cone on his foot.

The doctor took one look and said
"Im afraid you're not eating properly."

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I'm thinking of tattooing an X on each butt cheek.

That way I can have hot cross buns year round.

What do you call an angry rabbit in the desert?

A hot cross bun.

TIL Severe Yeast Infections Can Lead to Pregnancy

You could end up with a bun in the oven!

A police officer was waiting for speeders at a speed trap.

Suddenly he saw a man coming down the road doing 80mph on a hamburger bun.

As the man blew past the police cruiser, the cop pulled out in pursuit with his lights flashing and siren blaring.

The man on the hamburger bun sped up to 90mph, so the cop floored it and pulled up along side ...

An Irishman and his son went to the zoo...

A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age”

The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times.

“Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”

The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun...

A moment later the elephant farts and ...

Three boys talk in the schoolyard:

Boy one: "You know, my mom's mouth is so big, that she can swallow a whole cinnamon bun in one bite!"

Boy two: "Whatever, my mom can swallow a panini with just one bite!"

Boy three: "Those are rookie numbers! My mom can swallow a whole floor lamp in one gulp!"

Boy one and boy tw...

How do you find Ronald McDonald in the nudist camp?

He’s the one with sesame seeds on his buns.

I Walk Into A Bar

I sit down and ask the bartender for a drink.

He gets me a drink and I drink it.

Then I pay him and walk out.

I then get in my car and drive to the supermarket.

I arrive at the supermarket and get out of my car.

I go up to the entrance and grab a shopping cart...

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

What do priests and McDonalds have in common?

They both put meat in 10 year old buns.

Have you heard of the robbery at the donut store?

I heard that the robbers left with buns glazing

Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank?

He just burst in there, buns glazing!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do female pornstars and burgers have in common?

Both have seed on their buns

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks...

Girls night out

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and...

I can't wait for the official jokes tournament this year.

It's going to be pun on a bun!

I bought a pet snake. He’s a very picky eater. Only eats burgers, hot dogs, and sloppy joes.

Apparently, my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon.

My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia.

He went out all buns glazing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dog disgraced himself by escaping and bringing home next doors rabbit.

It was very dead and covered in dirt but I couldn't see any wound so I thought I might just be able to get away without confessing. So I quickly washed and blow dried the deceased bunny, snuck round the fence and popped bun back in its hutch, all snuggled up looking in its straw so it looked just l...

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Only Australians and/or New Zealanders will get this joke

A large man walks into a bar and looks for a place to sit. Every stool and table is taken but at the end of the bar is a little man drinking a beer by himself. So, the big man walks up behind him and slaps him across the back of head and he falls to the floor.

The little man gets up rubbing h...

Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?

His buns were toasted.

(LONG) Man walks into bakery, picks out a few loaves of bread, then heads to check-out.

(been a while since I've seen this repost, bear with me)
The clerk is a healthy young lady, and she starts ringing him up. He's been wanting to branch out in his breakfast routine, and asks if she has any recommendations. She points to the top shelf behind her, and says that she really likes th...

Did you hear they were making a McJackson burger for Michael Jackson

It a 50 year old piece of meat in a 12 year old bun

What did Axl Rose name the colonics spa that he proudly opened?

'Buns n Hoses'

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A boy with a speech problem goes shopping.

(Sorry in advance for grammar mistakes)


There was a young boy with a speech problem, so he used to say words incorrectly.

One day, his mother asked him to go to the shops to get a bun, a bucket, and a cocker spaniel. So he went to the baker and says "Can I have a bum please?"
...

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

Did you hear about the police seige at the donut factory robbery?

The bad guys came out with all buns glazing.

What does a hotdog call his wife?

Honey bun.

*As told buy my 7 year old.*

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

There was once an incorrigible punster.

No matter the situation her'd have a groaner ready. One day, served a simple dinner of buns and water, he quipped: "The bun is the lowest form of wheat."

His friends were so tired that they decided to come up with a situation that he could not turn into a pun. They took him to visit an orpha...

My wife can't figure out why my pet anaconda won't eat Bratwurst a la cart

I told her that my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

What do you call a Tom Cruise movie with a hamburger in it?

Top Bun.

A traveller reaches a church

It's late at night and he almost collapses at the door. Exhausted, he knocks on the door and is let in by Sister Francine. The Sister calls the others to help and they bring the guy in. He has a heavy trunk that they keep to a side. The night passes and the traveller wakes up in the morning. He is t...

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