I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.

I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his ...

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table.

I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu: You get what you deserve.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere

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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

A restaurant owner offered me a free calamari appetizer if I gave him a good review on Yelp

It was squid pro quo.

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

“This is so embarrassing,” the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner and make...

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

Did you hear about the famous Chinese restaurant run by a father and his mentally challenged kid?

Ya, people really loved his dim son.

At a restaurant, a girl asked me if I was single.

I said yes, and then she took the chair in front of me,

A man looks across the restaurant and sees a beautiful woman...

He keeps stealing glances at her throughout his meal. Just as he is about to finish eating, the woman lets out a giant sneeze...and a huge POP sound echoes throughout the dining room. Seeing a blur, the man instinctively reaches out his hand and grabs something.

It's the woman's glass eye....

A mummy calls a restaurant

- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.

The dock hand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”

“Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”

“Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dock hand.

“I d...

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A man came out of a restaurant and found a cop writing a ticket for parking illegally.

So he told the cop "give me a break!"

The cop said "no way."

Then the man told him "you're a jerk!" and kept insulting him while the cop kept writing more and more tickets.

People started gathering around the car. One of them told the man "aren't you concerned about this pile of...

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A man walks into a restaurant with a rooster under his arm.

A limousine stops before a restaurant and a well dressed man steps out, with a rooster under his arm.

After he's shown to a private table, he puts the rooster on the table and orders every item on the menu.

Flabbergasted, the waiter asks: "Excuse me sir, but are you sure you want all t...

If Mark Twain were alive today, what would be his favorite chain restaurant?

Langhorne Steakhouse

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What do Shaquille O'Neal and a Japanese restaurant have in common?

Kobe beef

I was worried my meal at the German restaurant would go badly.

I was prepared for the Wurst.

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.

He said nah, I’m not really Inuit.

Lately, i called a chinese restaurant for a reservation

i also mentioned that i would bring my little dog.
They told me: "No outside food allowed!"

A guy goes to a restaurant

He sees the lady beside him really enjoys his food, and tells the waiter: "I'll take what she's having"

The waiter replies: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm pretty sure she wants that for herself".

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

A woman at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her he...

What did Hermione Granger say to her friend that mispronounced their order at an Indian restaurant?

It’s samOsa not samoSA

Do you wanna go to a restaurant?

You cant spell menu without me n u




I'm gonna lose all my karma.

The lights in the Chinese restaurant were way too bright

So I told the server to dim sum

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A man's at a restaurant in spain and he sees a waiter delivering two huge, round meatballs to the next table.

A man's at a restaurant in spain and he sees a waiter delivering two huge, round meatballs to the next table.
he calls a waiter over and says he wants the same but the waiter says, ah senor, there is only one dish per day, they are the testicles of the bull killed at the bullfight today
the ma...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Two Jewish guys go to a Kosher Chinese restaurant.

Their Chinese waiter greeted them in Yiddish, took their order in Yiddish, made small talk with them in Yiddish, gave their order in Yiddish, and took their bill in Yiddish.

On their way out, the two guys tell the restaurant owner what a pleasant surprise it was for them be able to talk with ...

What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?

Chick Fillet

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A man and his wife go on a date to a new restaurant...

They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day. When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor. "Whoops" he says and turns to the waiter "I'm terribly sorry but could I have another..." the waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top ...

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Bill Gates is having lunch in a restaurant when a young man comes over.

He says "Excuse me Mr Gates, I know this is presumptious but if I can have thirty seconds of your time: I read your amazing book about your early career and, basically, I'm now at the point you were at when you were just starting out. I'm entertaining a couple of business sponsors to lunch and it wo...

A blind man went to a restaurant.

“Menu sir?” asked the owner.



“I’m blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order.”



The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.



The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath, “Yes...

What did the British restaurant patron say to his waiter after he finished his meal?

checkmate



just thought of this joke cause i play a lot of chess. how can i work a chess or competition reference into the premise to add more value to the punchline?

A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)

A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.

The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and a...

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A tourist in Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing.

While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles ...

A pretty woman came up to me in a restaurant and asked if i was single

I smiled happily and answered "yes"

she took the extra chair away from my table.

My girlfriend left me today because I quit taking her to seafood restaurants.

Turns out she was only with me because of my mussels.

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

Went to a fancy restaurant and ordered tuna, but they brought something else instead

Obvious catfish situation

Two men from two separate States met at a restaurant and found that both have left homes in search of their missing wives.

First: How does your wife look, her identity?




Second: She is 5'9", slim, extremely beautiful and always smiling. What about yours?




First: Forget about mine. Come, let's search yours....

I was at an Italian restaurant last Friday...

Me: "I'll just have the Paggione".
Waitress: "That says 'page one', sir."

Did you hear about the Chinese restaurant that got destroyed?

Biggest case of Wanton destruction I've ever seen.

[At a restaurant] Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Me: Oh, ok. And for the main course?

I went to eat at a Mexican restaurant with my friend Sara.

She had recently been diagnosed lactose intolerant, and hadn't eaten dairy in months, so I was a little surprised she wanted to eat there.

Before the server could even ask if we wanted an appetizer, Sara blurted out "I haven't had cheese in forever. Bring us a cheese dip, and don't even bothe...

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An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the...

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.

The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**

"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it ea...

I went into a restaurant the other day

I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?"

She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".

A man sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chilly

The waitress says, "Sorry but the guy next to you ordered the last bowl." He looks over to the guy sitting next to him and sees that he has finished his meal, but the bowl of chilli is still full.
He asks the guy, "Are you going to eat that?" To which the guy replies, "No, help yourself." So he s...

Han Solo goes to a restaurant and orders a steak. The waiter asked how tender he’d like his steak to be.

Han said “Make it Chewie.”

Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.

“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”

“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”

Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, t...

Why are waiters in Mexican restaurants so nosy?

Because they get jalapeno business!

I recently visited a restaurant that only serves internal organs.

It was offal

I got banned for life from our local Indian restaurant.

I am Persona naan grata.

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A man walks into a Spanish restaurant

An American man walks into a Spanish restaurant and sits down. As he is sat there he sees lots of bull heads on the walls and costumes of matadors in the restaurant.

The waiter walks past and the American asks him “why do you have all these pictures and bulls heads up?”

The Spanish wa...

I wanna start a restaurant called "the cleft palate"

Why?

Because harelip is offensive.

A restaurant sold me Calamari in a broth.

It was a bit of a damp squid.

Jesus walks into a restaurant

Waiter: -Would you like a drink?

Jesus : -Water is fine.

Jesus: \*looks directly into camera\*

Everyone at the restaurant we were dining at were disgusted when they found out I was 45 and my wife was 20...

It completely ruined our ten year anniversary.

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A Teenage Son and his father are sitting at a restaurant...

When in walks another teenager with colored hair. The father is intently staring down the kid with the colored hair, enough so that it makes his teenage son uncomfortable. The stare down continues while the kid with the colored hair orders his food and heads to a table. While walking by, the kid and...

They were out of bread at the Indian restaurant I was at

The waiter said it was a naan issue.

I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans.

I called for there server: "Waitress, there's soup in my fly"

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

I opened an Indian restaurant called the ghee spot

It's hard to find

I went to a Mary Poppins themed restaurant last night..

Super cauliflower cheese, but the lobster was atrocious!

A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant

He heard there was a fishy business.

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A group of people from different nationalities went to a restaurant and each ordered a glass of wine. When they received their drinks, they found out every glass had a fly in it.

The swede demanded new wine in the same glass.

The brit demanded new wine in a new glass.

The finnish man took the fly out of the glass and drank the wine.

The Russian drank the wine with the fly.

The Chinese man ate the fly and left the wine.

The jew took the...

What's a mathematician's favorite restaurant?

K(C)

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the wom...

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant.

When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”

His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook…”

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A man walks into a Mexican restaurant...

He gets a table and a waiter comes to him with a menu.

"Señor, is there anything I can get for you?"

The man scans through the menu briefly...

He couldn't understand any thing he saw there as most of the foods were Mexican.

"I think I'll have this... Cojones..." the man s...

A blind man walks into the restaurant..

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dis...

John went to a restaurant to eat..

John : "I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy..."

Waiter : "Maybe the chicken strips for $6?"

John : "Maybe it does but that doesn't help with my hunger."

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So a Cherokee family and a White family pull into a restaurant..

White dad sees the Cherokee family coming up behind them and purposely let's the door close being a dick instead of holding it politely.

Cherokee dad shrugs it off and holds it for his family and follows the White family in. But upon getting to the line the Cherokee dad walks right past the ...

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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.

As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an effici...

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I went to a Japanese restaurant the other night and the chef was very angry...

He lost his tempura

A pony walks into a restaurant and finds a seat.

A pony walks into a restaurant and finds a seat. The waitress comes up and brings some complimentary bread and takes his drink order.

"I'll just have a water for now," says the pony.

A few moments later the waitress comes back with the water and sees that the pony had already eaten al...

A bear walked into a restaurant and looks at the waiter and says “I’d like a grilled ................cheese.”.

The waiter said, “what’s with the big pause?”.

He said, “I’m a bear!”

A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.

He thought the manager said “Seize her salad!”

Two well dressed lawyers, Milind Kale and Ram Jethmalani went to an expensive restaurant...

They ordered 2 coffees
and then took out sandwiches from their briefcases to eat...

Waitress: Sorry Sir !!! But you can't eat your OWN food here... Its against the rules ...

The lawyers quietly looked at each other and
EXCHANGED their sandwiches & continued their meals!
<...

A Russian, a Texan, and a New Yorker are at a restaurant in London

The waiter comes up and says,”Excuse me but, we do not have any steak on the menu due to a shortage.” The Russian asks,”What’s steak?” The Texan asks,”What’s a ‘shortage’?” The New Yorker asks,”What’s ‘Excuse Me’?”

What did the chef say when he invested all his money into his pasta restaurant?

It was worth every penne.

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A guest dining in a classy restaurant drops his spoon before finishing his soup. (Nsfw)

Before he could reach down to pick it up, a server was already standing next to him holding a replacement.
"Wow! That was tremendously fast. The service here is impeccable. How did you do that?."
"Well, all of the servers here have an extra piece of cutlery on their tray at all times just...

An anti-vaxxer, a flat earthed and an scientist walk into a restaurant. They see a sign that says “Finish our famous 32 oz steak in 15 minutes with 2 friends, win $200! Entry fee: $50” The scientist looks at the other two and says “are you guys thinking what I’m thinking?”

He takes a brief pause and then says “Oh yeah I forgot, you two can’t think.”

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A male stripper goes into a restaurant. He sees a beautiful young nun and decides he wants to do the dirty on her.

So he decides to propose to her directly.
"Ey girl how you doin? What do you think about leaving that chastity aside and come with me for a good time?"
The nun angrily answers, "I am a woman of no man, only God! To hell with you, sinner!"
The man goes to a table, defeated, but then his wait...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

A man is in a car with his friends and decides to stop by a pizza restaurant. Outside he sees a sign that says “wood fired pizza.”

And then the man said “Wood fired pizza? How’s the pizza gonna get a job now?”

Last night at the restaurant, it was all full, I started talking out loud on the phone...

"Come now! He's here with another woman!", 6 tables were freed!

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A man enters a restaurant in a foreign country...

...he doesn't speak the language, but he tries to order breakfast anyway. He makes a slicing motion, then moves his finger like he is spreading butter on a slice of toast. The server understands this and notes it down.

He then clucks like a chicken and pretends to crack and beat an egg. The s...

What were the last words of the suicide bomber at the French restaurant?

Blown appetite.

How is a long line at a Vietnamese soup restaurant an insult?

It’s a big pho queue.

The T-Rex waiters and waitresses at the restaurant seemed really stressed out

I guess they must have been short-handed

A man orders soup at a restaurant.

The waiter brings the soup, the man doesn't eat, he asks the waiter to taste:
-Is there anything wrong sir?
-No just taste it.
-I can change it for you
-I want you to taste it!
-But..
-Do it!
-Ok, where's the spoon?
-Exactly, go bring me a spoon!

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

I went to the restroom at a restaurant and noticed the chef didn’t wash his hands.

Upon seeing me he smiled, winked, and said, “urine for a treat.”

I went to a vegetarian restaurant and the waiter asked, "How was your meal, sir?"

"It was very nice. My compliments to the gardener."

A man goes to a Chinese restaurant

After the meal he open his fortune cookie. Inside it reads:

"Your charm and wit make admirers of many."

Although flattered, the man feels disappointed because he was expecting his fortune told. He pulls the waiter aside and asks for another fortune cookie. Inside it reads:

"Your...

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A man asks for a Pepsi at a restaurant.

That’s the joke. Fuck Pepsi.

A couple we’re having dinner at a restaurant

One of them finds a hair in the steak and calls the waiter to say:
“Waiter there’s a hair in my steak!”
The waiter nods and says “That’s because the chef uses his armpits to mash the meat”
“That’s disgusting” says the indignant diner
To which the waiter replies “You should see how he ma...

City counsel decides not to fine restaurant owner for digging a hole in his own establishment with a pickaxe...

They say he was just mining his own business.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus asks for a table for 26.

The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”

Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”

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A restaurant owner tells his bartender: ok, today we're gonna serve a special cocktail.

You have to take 10 grams of vodka, dilute it in 100 liters of water and that's basically it.

Bartender: What is this, some mental institution inmates celebrate an anniversary of their institutionalization?

The restaurant owner: No, just a bunch of homeopaths having a corporate party.

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

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A man goes on holiday to Spain and walks into a restaurant.

As he sits down, he looks up at the specials board. When the waiter comes over he asks, “Excuse me, what are *Huevos de Toro*?”

“Ah, this is one of our rarer specials”, replies the waiter. “They are the testicles of a bull that was killed in the ring today.”

The man orders the testicle...

Why are the waiters at cannibal restaurants so highly respected?

Because they serve humanity.

My friend crashed his car into an Indian restaurant

Now he’s in a korma

I went to an Indian restaurant last night

They had phenomenal flatbread, and I asked the owner if there was any chance he could give me the recipe. He said yes, under one condition, then had me sign a naan-disclosure agreement.

Went to a haunted french restaurant the other day...

That place gave me the crepes.

WHY do you NEVER see Native Americans at nice restaurants?

White men took their reservations..

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

Mary went to a restaurant with three of her friends.

The three friends ordered from the vegan section whereas Mary had a little lamb.

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