A blind man walks into the restaurant..

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dis...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.

As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an effici...

Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.

“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”

“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”

Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, t...

Have you guys heard about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.

The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**

"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it ea...

A man (37) and his wife (19) go to a restaurant to celebrate their marriage.

They received some disapproving glances at first. Later, the people started calling the husband “pedo”, “pervert” and “sick” and shamed the couple for the age difference.


Completely ruined their 10th anniversary.

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

A man walks into a restaurant and orders a soup.

Shortly after he gets it he calls the waiter

Waiter: Yes Sir, how can I help you?

Man: Can you please taste the soup?

Waiter: Why? What's wrong with it?

Man: Please taste the soup!

Waiter: I can replace it if there's anything wrong with it!

Man: Taste the so...

Why do cows never work in restaurants?

They hate getting tipped

A bear walks into a restaurant...

A bear walks into a restaurant and says 'I want a grilled.......... cheese.

The waiter says 'What's with the pause?'

The bear replies 'Whaddya mean, IM A BEAR.'

We were eating at a local restaurant last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”

We were eating at a local restaurant last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”

I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”

Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

What was Jeffrey Dahmers favorite restaurant?

5 Guys

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Jewish men, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant discussing religion

"I wonder if there are any Jewish people in Mexico?" asked the first one.

"There must be" said the second one, "let's ask the waiter."

When the waiter came by, they asked him, "Do you have any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."

He retu...

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks ...

I was dining alone at a restaurant one evening.

In the middle of my meal, a very pretty woman of about 25 came to my table and asked, "Are you single?"

I smiled and nodded.

She took the other chair and brought it back to her table.

A pretty woman sneezes at a restaurant.

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, an...

[True story] A coworker never heard of the burger restaurant “Five Guys”

And his daughter told him “I had five guys last night and I’m not feeling well now.”

Did you hear about the new lawyer themed sushi restaurant that opened up the other day?

It's called Sosumi.

What do you call a dinner at a fancy restaurant with your 3 year old?

Whine & dine


I'll see myself out

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

A girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from the local vegetarian restaurant......

I'm very confused as I've never met herbivore.

If I worked at an Indian restaurant I wouldn't ingratiate myself with the boss in order to influence menu choices.

I don't think it's right to curry favour for curry flavour.

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later,...

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus asks for a table for 26.

The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”

Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”

In a restaurant

Customer: Waiter, excuse me! What's wrong with this fish?

Waiter: Oh, long time no sea, sir!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A man goes to find out why his son got fired from his job at a restaurant

The owner tells him “I found him in the store room with the potato peeler stuck up his arse.”

The father says “that’s odd, can I examine the potato peeler?”

The owner replies “I’m afraid not, I had to fire him too.”

A guy walks into a restaurant, sits at the counter.

He starts looking thru the menu, and sees 'chili'. "Oh, I haven't had a decent bowl of chilli in a long time".
Asks the server for the chili, and she says "sorry dear, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl"


He notices the gentleman next to him with a bowl of chili, but he'...

2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.

The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.

I went to a Lord of the Rings themed restaurant. The food was horribly authentic and the waitress was as uglier than an Orc, but I have to give her credit. There was a table of 12 and it only took her ...

...one bring to gruel them all.

What did the galaxy order at the Mexican restaurant?

A quasardilla

Why don't biologists go to restaurants?

Because they binomial.

A man orders a soup at a restaurant.

As it is brought to his table, the man notices the waiter holding his index finger all the way inside the soup.

Upset, man shouts at the waiter:

-Why the hell are you holding your finger in my soup?!

-Sorry, monsieur, I've been having problem with it, and doctor told me to keep ...

Anyone want to invest in my new African-Asian fusion restaurant?

It's going to be call "Wok like an Egyptian".

I went to a restaurant...

It was full; no place to sit... I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..

A senator, a chancellor, a Sith Lord, and the First Galactic Emperor walk into a restaurant.

The hostess says, “table for one?”

I once had a very annoying conversation with a waiter in a restaurant about the wifi.

Turns out the password was "sorrysirwedonthavewifi"

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "Free".

The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender replies "Free".

The guy, still amazed, then orde...

I've got a great idea for a NBA themed Fast Food restaurant. I call it...

Shake-Shaq

I went out to a fine Italian restaurant last night but there was a large woman blocking the entrance....

I couldn’t get pasta

I'm planning on opening a chicken restaurant that sells average food.

It'll be called OKFC.

I went to a restaurant and the waiter asked, “Would you like to hear today’s special?” I said, “Yes please.”

The waiter smiled and replied, "Sure thing. Today is special."

An American tourist is traveling in Thailand and stops over in a small border village for a meal. While the inside of the restaurant is rather small and modest, it does have a beautifully designed ant farm covering most of one wall. Curious, he asks the old man running the restaurant about it.

“Ah,” says the old man. “I use the ant eggs to make a dish called maengman chom. The Cambodians who visit here especially love it; they spend so many riel on it that I had that display made to show off the ants. It’s a specialty of mine; would you like to try some?”

“Ant eggs are a little exo...

Did ya hear about the new restaurant at Castle Black?

They say it's a real hole in the wall.

The most beautiful woman I've ever seen came up to my table in a restaurant and asked me if I'm single...

I happily replied,

"Yess..."


She took away the extra chair in front of me.

Why shouldn't you Sprint in a restaurant?

You'll end up getting No Service.

I was in an Eskimo restaurant the other day, and the waiter said .......

"We´ve got whale meat, or whale meat, or the Vera Lynn Special."
I asked him what was in the Vera Lynn Special?
He said "whale meat again".

A man was eating in a restaurant when he desperately needed to pass gas.

The music was really, really loud, so he timed his gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. He finished his coffee and noticed that everybody was staring at him. Then he suddenly remembered he was listening to his iPod.

Restaurant menu [NSFW]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductivel...

My local restaurant is serving Oasis soup!

You get a roll with it.

What’s the best animal to go to a restaurant with?

A duck, because they’ve got the bill.

A neutron and a uranium atom walk into a restaurant

A neutron and a uranium atom walk into a restaurant. They sit at a table and order a full meal, having a muted conversation during the meal. The waiter comes over and the neutron asks for separate checks. He brings the split bills like requested.

“I hope you two have a good evening,” he says...

A man goes into a restaurant.

After looking over the menu for a bit, a beautiful waitress comes over to serve him and asks what he would like.

He says, "I want a quickie."

She slaps him and says, "Just give me your order, mister!"

Another customer leans over and says, "I believe that's pronounced 'quic...

A kid and his father enters a restaurant

The kid says to the waiter: Hey daddy!

The waiter laughes it off and leaves.

The father says to the son: Hey, i’m your daddy.

Then the kid says: But mom always screams Yes daddy! When he is in her room!

John and his buddy Dave are watching the game while their wives are chatting in the kitchen.

During a commercial break John mentions that he and his wife went to very nice restaurant the other day.

"That's nice, what was it called?" asks Dave

"I can't remember... What's the name of that flower?" says John

"Violet" Dave guesses

"no, the red one" says John

"...

Two men walk into a restaurant and sit down.

A very beautiful waitress comes to their table to serve them. The first man orders, then the woman looks to the second man.

“And what would you like?” she asks.

The man smiles at the server and answers: “A quickie.”

The waitress screws up her face in total disgust. “What did yo...

How does a panda rob a restaurant?

Eats chutes and leaves

Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.

"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks. I'll put it in my colleg...

I work in a Cajun restaurant and people always ask what the alligator tastes like.

I tell them it tastes great, but we make ours out of baby alligator so it has a little bite to it.

Alex Trebek and Sean Connery are at a seafood restaurant enjoying a dinner together.

Alex decides to get an order of oysters and when they come out they're still in the shell. Alex tries everything he can, but for some reason just can't even get one open. Exasperated, he looks over at Sean Connery and asks "how am I supposed to open this damn thing?" Sean Connery smiles, hands him a...

A man and a woman are out to dinner at a fancy restaurant

Right around when the appetizers they hear a loud sound like galloping hooves on the marble floor.

They both turn to see a half-man half-horse jogging around the restaurant

Eventually it stops running and stands at attention.

They stare

A loud trumpet sounds and the Head ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend finally convinced me to try this new French restaurant in town. Everything went great, except my escargot was WAY too chewy.

I'm telling you, it was tough ass snails.

Restaurant toilets are so dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

Took my wife Mary out to a fancy restaurant last night. I had the filet mignon...

Mary had a little lamb.

A middle eastern restaurant owner bought a new waffle iron.

He wasn't sure how to use it, so he chopped up some chickpeas, rolled them in flour and pressed them between the grates.

The mayor of the town stopped by that day, excited to try the new dish.

But when he took his first bite, the mayor declared it was so bad he would ban it from being ...

A new Vietnamese restaurant opened across from another, and the owners have been throwing competitive deals all week.

It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

A spider sits at a restaurant and calls the waiter

“Excuse me!” There’s a fly in my soup! My compliments to the chef!

I worked in the restaurant business a really long time and people always said I should wash my hands after going to the bathroom. I usually didn’t.

But you know what, I never got sick from it.

I went to this really cool restaurant where they gave out free bandanas with the meals

My girlfriend didn't like it though. She kept saying stuff like, "You're embarrassing me" and "Please take that napkin off your head."

I’m thinking about starting a strip club/Thai restaurant.

Gonna call it “Right between the thai’s”

Putin and Medvedev go into a restaurant

"What would you gentlemen like to have?" asks the waiter.

"I'll have the steak", says Putin.

"Excellent choice, sir. What about the accompanying vegetable?" asks the waiter.

"He'll also have the steak", says Putin.

Me and the wife were walking past this plush restaurant last night and she said ‘wow it smells amazing in the there!’. I thought, let’s treat her...

...so we walked past it again.

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu; you get what you deserve.

Jesus goes to a restaurant.

The waiter comes to his table and asks, “What would you like to drink?”

Jesus replies, “Water, please.”

The waiter then says, “Wine it is.”

Three restaurant owners were arguing about their food

The first one said, "My spicy sauce is super hot! I put a bottle of pepper spray in every batch, and after just one spoon, people can't take anymore and shout for water."

The second one replied, "My spicy sauce is even hotter! I put three bottles of pepper spray in every batch, and the smell ...

What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say at a restaurant?

”Use the fork, Luke”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a restaurant in spain

The waiter comes and asks what the man would like to eat.

The man says that he would like to have today's special.

The waiter gives the man a plate with two giant meatballs. The man asks why the meatballs are so big to wich the waiter replies: "We had bullfight today so this is the dea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant

and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reache...

I went to this cool new restaurant in Vegas, the server woman came out nude with the menu painted all over her body.

She asked if I was ready to order, I said “ I know what I want, but I just can’t put my finger on it.”

I want to open an Indian restaurant that caters to the workingclass individual.

I'll call it Naan to Five.

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, ...

... arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that
it was surprisingly high.


"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math que...

Is it easy to get a job at a restaurant?

I don’t have a lot of work experience, so ideally I’d be looking for an entree-level position.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant in town.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked.."it smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a kindhearted fella, he thought "what the hell..I'll treat her"

So he walked her past it again

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Restaurant in Hell

You die, and in hell, you are sat at a restaurant. A small group of glutton demons come out with your food. They bring out the most juicy, delicious looking steak you have either seen, a 2-inch cut, said to have come from the finest of cow in all the multiverse. On the side are roast potatoes, the p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Chinese woman goes to a local fast food restaurant.

The cashier: “What can I get you ma’am?”

The woman orders.

The cashier then jumps over the counter and begins groping and attempting to kiss the woman in public,

The woman freaks out and pushed him away screaming “Why you do dis??”

The cashier says: “You said you wanted ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing

While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls tes...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A german in an Australian restaurant

"May I have a bloody steak?"

Waiter: "do you want some fucking potatoes with it?"

A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

A Man Walks Into A French Restaurant And Orders Fish...

The waiter brings out his order and the man begins to eat it. After about fifteen minutes, the man keels over and dies. The waiter, panicking, calls the paramedics. When they arrive, they examine the body of the deceased man.

"Well?" asks the concerned waiter "What killed this poor man?"
<...

Why can't you play hide and seek in a Chinese restaurant?

Because of the Peking duck.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Jewish men were sitting in a Chinese restaurant in New York

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Chinese restaurant in New York. Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in China?’

Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Chinese Jews?'<...

A man is eating dinner at a very nice restaurant with his Ostrich...

and as they finish up, the waitress brings him the bill. He owes exactly $84.38. The Ostrich takes a long drag from his cigarette, and without looking or hesitating the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly enough to pay the bill. The waitress was impressed but didn’t really give it a se...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. [long]

He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

I went for lunch at an Indian restaurant

I went for lunch at an Indian restaurant and encountered a strange old man sitting at a small table near the door. The old man had at the table with him a glue stick and a few sheets of construction paper and he seemed to be engaged in some kinds of arts-and-crafts project. The waitstaff occasionall...

People make fake IDs to get into bars. That’s all well and good but I’d rather have 365 IDs that have different birthdays on them so I could get free desserts at every restaurant I go to

Just makes sense really

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A homeless man walks up to a swanky restaurant (long)

He says to the maitre d' 'I'm sorry to bother you but I'm homeless and haven't eaten all day. The smell of food from your kitchen is amazing, would I be able to have dinner here tonight for free?'

Moved though he is, the maitre d' replies that he is sorry and he can't give out free food. 'But...

Went to an auto-cannibalism restaurant the other day.

Cost an arm and a leg

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

A new restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s ho
use. After eating, the wives left the table and
went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking,
and one said, “Last night we went out to
a new restaurant and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly.”
T...

A king, a clown and a little red haired girl walk into an Italian restaurant.

Last thing they want is food poisoning.

A man walks into a restaurant​...

A man walks into a restaurant,

He sits down, and a waiter comes over.

The waiter says: "You see those meats stuck up there on the ceiling?"

The man says: "yeah, I do..."

Waiter: "If you can jump up and touch those meats, I will give you $250,000... but if you jump up and...

Why was the dim sum restaurant condemned?

They had a wonton disregard for safety.

An old man goes to a restaurant.

He sits down and orders his favorite bowl of soup.

After a small wait the waiter returns with his bowl of soup.

A few minutes go by and the waiter returns and asks the older gentleman how his soup his.

“It’s ice cold” says the man.
“Impossible!” Says the waiter “I watched the...

How do you order wine at an African Restaurant?

Ask for the Somalian

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing!?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"

One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I went to a Japanese restaurant for the first time, I couldn't understand why this condiment stung a lot. But then I realised..

It was a bee.

My friend asked me what kind of restaurant I was opening ...

I said African. The food cost would be next to nothing.

A man walks into a restaurant with an alligator on a leash.

He asks the waiter, "Do you serve children here?"

"Of course."

"Then I'll have pasta and my alligator will have some children."

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat!"

The wife: Honey, you say your prayer before eating at home.

The husband: Honey, that's at home. Here the chef knows how to cook.

Why was the restaurant server so heavy?

Because he is a weighter.

I went to a Soviet era Russia restaurant once.

I waited 20 minutes for the food and then the server came and told me, "sorry we don't serve food here."