UPJOKE
hamburgercheeseburgersandwichsausagepizzasteaktacoburritomeatbeefporkcheesefriesburgerssnack

Why were the burger and fries running

Because they’re fast food

What do you call a vegan burger?

A misteak

I'm really looking forward to the world Cup themed McDonald's burger.

The Qatar pounder

How does a burger introduce his wife?

Meet Patty

I went to McDonalds and Wendy’s and Burger Kings and all the fries were burnt!

Then I realized it’s Black Fryday

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I take my anal the same way I take my burgers

Smashed and involving Five Guys

I put out a poll to see if anyone out there was interested in insect based burgers.

All I’m hearing is crickets!

I was feeling poorly so I went to the doctors. After a thorough investigation, he said “don’t eat anything fatty”. I asked “Do you mean fries, burgers, etc?”

He replied “No! Don’t eat anything, FATTY!”

I ate a burger in church today

The priest then said “Holy cow”

I was going to grill some burgers later

But I dropped the patties and now we're having ground beef

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Why was the Hulk charged with sexual harassment at Burger King?

He asked them to hold the pickle.

I told my wife I'd pick up Burger and Chips on the way home from work last night.

I think she regrets letting me name the twins.

Sharing

I stopped at a fast food joint for a meal while on a trip. I noticed a couple old enough to be my parents. The man cut the burger in half carefully, and then handed half to his wife. Then he counted out the fries, dividing them equally. He then put two straws into the soda, and took a sip.
...

A djinn visits three greedy men.

There were three men, an American, a German and an Indian. From thin air a djinn appears. He asks them one item they would love to consume.

The American says Cheese burgers, so the djinn puts him in a prison cell with years worth of cheese burgers inside and locks him up.

The German sa...

A ghost sits down at a restaurant table and orders a burger and a drink.

He confirms his order and the waiter asks him 'Do you want frights with that?'

Why did the astronaut throw away his vegetarian burger?

He wanted something *meteor*.

Found a human hair in my McDonald’s burger. I was so surprised....

... I didn’t know that they use natural ingredients.

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This guy walked up to the counter and said 'Burger and chips please,'

'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?'

'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

A guy is sitting outside on a bench, eating a burger...

when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.


She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him "You know, a cow died somewhere so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?"


As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies "It's a sham...

What does Bruce Lee order in Burger King?

WOPPAAAH!

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

Bob and his wife started dieting a week ago

Bob and his wife started dieting a week ago.
His wife proposed that they should have cheat day today.
She bought home McDonald's burger, KFC wings and Bob brought home his secretary

What's the most important ingredient in a business burger?

The deal pickle!

My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.

They got really upset and started to cry.

Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..

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What do pussies and Burger King have in common?

It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My anaconda: No.

Today I ate 7 Burgers

That's odd.

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I was enjoying the most delicious burger at the food court.

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger."

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all its fucking food!"

I went on a date the other night. She took out the pickles from her burger and cut them in half.

For me, that's a dill breaker.

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I thought it would be nice to share a burger with this homeless guy I keep seeing on my way to work.

But that stingy jerk told me to go get my own.

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

This just in: A Burger King employee in Kalispell, Montana was arrested today after being caught putting vodka in the orange Hi-C.

Local police say it was the first reported case of a Flathead screwdriver.

A rapper opened a burger joint in the Czech Republic

Now he boasts about how he makes fat Czechs.

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Everything is big in Texas

A guy walks into bar in Texas and orders a burger. The damn thing is almost 3 lbs with all the fixings.

He asks the bartender " this is the burger you offer?!?!"

Bartender says "yeah man everything is big in Texas"

He is in awe and can't help but wonder what a beer looks like i...

There's beef burgers made out of beef, and chicken burgers made out of chicken, but no burgers made out of pork.

They could call it a hamburger.

What type of burger isn't allowed on the titanic?

An iceburger

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What happen at after you go to Jack in the box, Dairy Queen and Burger King?

You take a royal flush.

Where do you find a McDonald´s Big Mac with a very high amount of lumens per square metre?

In a Lux-em-Burger.

a bear walks into a bar and orders a burger then pauses for a while and says a large soda aswell

the bartender says why the long paws

A cheese burger walks into a bar

The bartender shouts "Sorry, we don't serve food here!"

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What's the similarity between a dick and a McDonald's burger?

They're both smaller and less-filling than advertised.

Liam Neeson is retiring and going into the burger business. He first chooses his cuts of meat, then he says...

I will grind you and I will grill you.

A Muslim couple visit a restaurant known for serving exotic food. As they peruse the menu, the husband exclaims, "Wow! That gorilla burger sure looks good!"

His wife looks up in surprise. "That's haram, bae!" she admonishes.

What was favourite Steve Jobs' burger?

Big Mac

I bought a pet snake. He’s a very picky eater. Only eats burgers, hot dogs, and sloppy joes.

Apparently, my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon.

It was my son’s birthday. So I took 4 of his friends out for a burger and a movie.

They had a great time. He would have loved it.

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What do female pornstars and burgers have in common?

Both have seed on their buns

KFC but it could happen at Burger King too!

I went to the KFC to get the kids something to eat. They wanted the kid's meal with a leg so I said "kids meal with the leg" and the lady said, "Which side?" Me - \*Complete silence as I heavily contemplate such an odd question\* "I guess the right side, I don't know what the difference is." After s...

Hey, has anyone seen the new deer burgers they sell at Walmart?

I heard they only cost a buck.

A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck and says "make me one with everything."

The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.

"Where's my change?" the monk asks.

The vendor replies,

"change comes from within."

What do you call a Burger King on a deserted island?

Lord of the fries

Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain.

Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you.

Did you hear they were making a McJackson burger for Michael Jackson

It a 50 year old piece of meat in a 12 year old bun

A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger.

Apparently he is now in a stable condition.

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A woman finds hair in her burger.

A woman gets free meals onece every week by complaining that she has a hair in her order by intentionally putting her own hair.
The fourth week, manager gets pissed and asks to meet all of the employees at the restaurant including waiters, sweepers, cooks, men at the counter, bouncer and the mana...

The one thing that always pestered me about In-N-Out Burger...

Is the fact it is no longer a burger going Out.

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There was a food fight at the burger joint, but I didn't participate.

I had no beef in that fight.

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper!

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a Burger King Whopper?

The Whopper knows what it's like to be in a lower-class household.

One day when I was young, I watched my father grilling burgers.

When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.

He than left, and never came back.

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A panda walks into a bar, orders a burger, downs it in a few bites, pulls out a gun and shoots two bullets into the roof.

On his way to the door the waiter exclaims “why the f*ck did you do that?!”

To which the tired looking panda rolls his eyes and tosses a torn up wildlife manual across the counter, “i’m a panda, look it up...” before casually walking out the exit

After finding the relevant chapter the ...

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

An old couple at Burger King

A man noticed that an old couple eating at Burger King were splitting a small hamburger and small fries. They carefully split the burger and fries down the middle. The man went over to the table and offered to buy them each their own meal, assuming they couldn’t afford two meals. The old man told hi...

when I worked at Wendy's, the company insisted that whoever made the burgers must draw the mustard onto the bun as a "W"

but I would draw the mustard onto burgers as an "M" and no one ever found out.

A vegan applied but was rejected for a job at Burger King...

She didn't meat the requirements.

My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger.

It was mine.

Did you hear the one about the guy who took his fishing rod to Burger King?

He caught a Whopper.

(I'm hoping that this translates well to cultures outside of the UK - apologies if it doesn't)

Burger King joke

What does Burger King and my boxers have in common?

They are both the Home Of The Whopper.

Yes there's a burger down there.

That is all.

Did you hear Burger King is promoting a black Whopper?

McDonalds responded by introducing a 3/5ths pounder.

To celebrate Shakespeare's birthday this year, McDonalds are launching a new burger...

...called the McBeth.

I went to Burger King for dinner yesterday and the woman taking my order had a badge near her left breast that said Pat...

Long story short, I got banned from Burger King.

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The two founders of the McDonald’s restaurant were Mac and Dick McDonald. Their most famous burger is named after one of them.

I’m really glad they went with Big Mac.

What do you call a cheeseburger that’s on the move?

A slider.

My 10 year old nephew came up with this one, I think he nailed it!

What do you call two burger buns that came out of the oven stuck to each other?

Sesamese twins.

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

So there's this cheerio who works at Burger King...

And he's a fantastic employee. He constantly washes tables and takes orders without complaints.

Every month, the Burger King Corporation throws a cheerio employee of the month party. It's always been Honey Nut's dream to go, but Fruity always gets to go. Every. Damn. Month. But not this mont...

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My girlfriend and I broke up bc I couldn’t handle that she likes her sex like she likes her burgers....

5 Guys

What is Toshinori Yagi’s favourite type of burger?

A Smash Burger

A guy walks up to the counter and says, "Burger and Fries, please".

Certainly Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"F@ck off, you c*nt." he snaps, before walking off with his food.

I love working in a prison kitchen

Why do anacondas like hamburgers?

Cause it got buns, hun

What is a burger’s favorite day?

Fry-day

A man goes up to a librarian and says, "Can I have a burger, please?"

"Sir, this is a library."

&nbsp;

^^"Sorry, ^^can ^^I ^^have ^^a ^^burger, ^^please?"

A mathematician and his colleague go to a diner…

Professor Wilkins, a professor of topology, and his colleague, Professor Thompson of the statistics department, go to a diner near their building for lunch.

“So, what do you figure the chances are that I can get a free donut with lunch if I ask the waitress nicely?” asked Wilkins.

“Fre...

In line at Burger King the other day, when I finally get to the counter the lady says sorry about the wait.

I said, "don't worry ma'am, you'll lose that eventually."

Did you hear about McDonald's new burger made entirely of beef lips?

It's called the McJagger.

I went to this restaurant on the beach in Florida and ordered something called the Pelican Burger.

It was good, but the bill was enormous.

Did you hear about the line of veggie burgers released by Greta Van Fleet?

They are 100% plant-based.

I left some burgers sitting in my fridge since the horse-meat scandal.

AND THEY'RE OFF!!

Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?

Because it's in its ground state.

A fast food employee dropped my burger patty on the floor before serving it to me.

They said it was ground beef.

What does cooking burgers and wives have in common?

When the blood starts oozing out you flip them over to the brown side.

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day...

The first one says "My daddy is so cool he can eat four burgers at one meal".

The second one says "That's nothing. My daddy can eat six".

Little Jonny starts laughing and says "My Daddy can eat light bulbs".

The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him...

[True story] A coworker never heard of the burger restaurant “Five Guys”

And his daughter told him “I had five guys last night and I’m not feeling well now.”

How many vegans does it take to eat a cheese and bacon burger?

One, if noone is watching.

Buying burgers is like dating.

If you get the ones with more fat, you’ll enjoy more flavor, but if you get the leaner ones, you’ll look better.

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A man walks into a burger joint...

He reads off the menu:

Hamburger $2.50
Cheeseburger $3.50
HandJobs $25.00

He walks up and whispers to the girl running the til; “are you the one who gives the $25 handjobs?”

The girl replies; “yes” , with a smile on her face.

“Okay, go wash y...

A Chinese, Indian, American, and African decides to have a party, each bringing in their own traditional food. The Chinese brings in fried rice, the Indian brings in curry, and the American brings in burgers. What does the African bring in?

An empty plate.

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