Why were the burger and fries running

Because they’re fast food

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What do pussies and Burger King have in common?[NSFW]

It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

How does a burger introduce his wife?

Meet Patty

What do you call a vegan burger?

A misteak

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If they sell staples at Staples, burgers at Burger King, and candy at Candy Clubhouse... What do they sell at Dick’s Sporting Goods?

Sporting goods. I mean, it’s in the name!

A rapper opened a burger joint in the Czech Republic

Now he boasts about how he makes fat Czechs.

This just in: A Burger King employee in Kalispell, Montana was arrested today after being caught putting vodka in the orange Hi-C.

Local police say it was the first reported case of a Flathead screwdriver.

What type of burger isn't allowed on the titanic?

An iceburger

Found a human hair in my McDonald’s burger. I was so surprised....

... I didn’t know that they use natural ingredients.

Went to a burger joint a while ago

My son, 8 at the time, ordered sliders. When the waitress came with our orders, his plate fell and the food went everywhere. He looked at me straight-faced and said, "I guess that's why they call them sliders."

Liam Neeson is retiring and going into the burger business. He first chooses his cuts of meat, then he says...

I will grind you and I will grill you.

What was favourite Steve Jobs' burger?

Big Mac

I went to the doctors recently

He said, “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I respond, “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No fatty, don’t eat anything.”

I went on a date the other night. She took out the pickles from her burger and cut them in half.

For me, that's a dill breaker.

Hey, has anyone seen the new deer burgers they sell at Walmart?

I heard they only cost a buck.

Now that the barbers have reopened, queues are so long that the staff have started handing out burgers and sausages

10/10 - definitely the best barber queue I’ve been to

A Muslim couple visit a restaurant known for serving exotic food. As they peruse the menu, the husband exclaims, "Wow! That gorilla burger sure looks good!"

His wife looks up in surprise. "That's haram, bae!" she admonishes.

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My anaconda: No.

There's beef burgers made out of beef, and chicken burgers made out of chicken, but no burgers made out of pork.

They could call it a hamburger.

a bear walks into a bar and orders a burger then pauses for a while and says a large soda aswell

the bartender says why the long paws

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

What do you call a Burger King on a deserted island?

Lord of the fries

Taught the kids how to make a burger from Scratch....

.....they were devastated. Stupid name for a cat anyway

A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

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What's the similarity between a dick and a McDonald's burger?

They're both smaller and less-filling than advertised.

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What happen at after you go to Jack in the box, Dairy Queen and Burger King?

You take a royal flush.

What do you call a cheeseburger that’s on the move?

A slider.

My 10 year old nephew came up with this one, I think he nailed it!

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In the groove

A man walks into a restaurant and he's pissed off for some reason. The waiter comes up to him and says "May I take your your order."

The man looked at the waiter and screaming says "I want you to get in there and tell the chef, I want a cheese burger not too greasy and not too dry but right ...

Did you hear they were making a McJackson burger for Michael Jackson

It a 50 year old piece of meat in a 12 year old bun

You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park

I guess he had a licence to grill

My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day

Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night

A vegan applied but was rejected for a job at Burger King...

She didn't meat the requirements.

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This guy walked up to the counter and said 'Burger and chips please,'

'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?'

'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

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I thought it would be nice to share a burger with this homeless guy I keep seeing on my way to work.

But that stingy jerk told me to go get my own.

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What do female pornstars and burgers have in common?

Both have seed on their buns

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a Burger King Whopper?

The Whopper knows what it's like to be in a lower-class household.

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A panda walks into a bar, orders a burger, downs it in a few bites, pulls out a gun and shoots two bullets into the roof.

On his way to the door the waiter exclaims “why the f*ck did you do that?!”

To which the tired looking panda rolls his eyes and tosses a torn up wildlife manual across the counter, “i’m a panda, look it up...” before casually walking out the exit

After finding the relevant chapter the ...

An old couple at Burger King

A man noticed that an old couple eating at Burger King were splitting a small hamburger and small fries. They carefully split the burger and fries down the middle. The man went over to the table and offered to buy them each their own meal, assuming they couldn’t afford two meals. The old man told hi...

A large man goes to his doctor concerned about his weight.

“I really need to lose some weight. What is the best way to do that?”

The doctor replied, “Don't eat anything fatty.”

“What, you mean stuff like burgers and chips, pizza, bacon, etc?”

“No, as I said before, fatty, don't eat anything"

when I worked at Wendy's, the company insisted that whoever made the burgers must draw the mustard onto the bun as a "W"

but I would draw the mustard onto burgers as an "M" and no one ever found out.

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper.

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There was a food fight at the burger joint, but I didn't participate.

I had no beef in that fight.

A cheese burger walks into a bar

The bartender shouts "Sorry, we don't serve food here!"

Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain.

Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you.

Why did a dad take his son to a burger shop before leaving forever?

To get him a bison burger

Burger King joke

What does Burger King and my boxers have in common?

They are both the Home Of The Whopper.

Yes there's a burger down there.

That is all.

I bought a pet snake. He’s a very picky eater. Only eats burgers, hot dogs, and sloppy joes.

Apparently, my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon.

My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.

They got really upset and started to cry.

Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..

KFC but it could happen at Burger King too!

I went to the KFC to get the kids something to eat. They wanted the kid's meal with a leg so I said "kids meal with the leg" and the lady said, "Which side?" Me - \*Complete silence as I heavily contemplate such an odd question\* "I guess the right side, I don't know what the difference is." After s...

Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductivel...

I'm starting a new business tomorrow.

It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.

I'm calling it, "Resolutions."

I went to Burger King for dinner yesterday and the woman taking my order had a badge near her left breast that said Pat...

Long story short, I got banned from Burger King.

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My girlfriend and I broke up bc I couldn’t handle that she likes her sex like she likes her burgers....

5 Guys

what are cows knees called?

burger joints

What does cooking burgers and wives have in common?

When the blood starts oozing out you flip them over to the brown side.

One day when I was young, I watched my father grilling burgers.

When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.

He than left, and never came back.

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

What is a burger’s favorite day?

Fry-day

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.

Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".

Genie: Wait, what? Why?

Man: It's for a joke, trust me.

Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?

Man: Yes.

Burger King: Have it your way.

The one thing that always pestered me about In-N-Out Burger...

Is the fact it is no longer a burger going Out.

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What do veggie burgers and dildos have in common?

They both are meat substitutes

What do you call two burger buns that came out of the oven stuck to each other?

Sesamese twins.

Did you hear the one about the guy who took his fishing rod to Burger King?

He caught a Whopper.

(I'm hoping that this translates well to cultures outside of the UK - apologies if it doesn't)

It was my son’s birthday. So I took 4 of his friends out for a burger and a movie.

They had a great time. He would have loved it.

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I was enjoying the most delicious burger at the food court.

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger."

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all its fucking food!"

Two Canadians in Kentucky

So these two Canadians are driving into Louisville, Kentucky and are arguing about how to pronounce the name of the city.

“Its pronounced Lou-is-vill…obviously” The oilman from Alberta says

“No, you see, it is French! It is pronounced Loo-ie-vee!” The guy from Quebec retorts.

Th...

What is Toshinori Yagi’s favourite type of burger?

A Smash Burger

I called my wife and said that I’ll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. I was met with stony silence.

I think she’s beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

A blonde walks into a library and orders a burger and fries

the librarian says, “excuse me, but this is a library!”

the blonde then quietly whispers, “i’m sorry - can i have a burger and fries?”

In line at Burger King the other day, when I finally get to the counter the lady says sorry about the wait.

I said, "don't worry ma'am, you'll lose that eventually."

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

Did you hear about the line of veggie burgers released by Greta Van Fleet?

They are 100% plant-based.

How many vegans does it take to eat a cheese and bacon burger?

One, if noone is watching.

A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck and says "make me one with everything."

The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.

"Where's my change?" the monk asks.

The vendor replies,

"change comes from within."

A fast food employee dropped my burger patty on the floor before serving it to me.

They said it was ground beef.

Buying burgers is like dating.

If you get the ones with more fat, you’ll enjoy more flavor, but if you get the leaner ones, you’ll look better.

To celebrate Shakespeare's birthday this year, McDonalds are launching a new burger...

...called the McBeth.

Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?

Because it's in its ground state.

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The two founders of the McDonald’s restaurant were Mac and Dick McDonald. Their most famous burger is named after one of them.

I’m really glad they went with Big Mac.

I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.

After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.

It was the Best Barber Queue ever!

Did you hear about McDonald's new burger made entirely of beef lips?

It's called the McJagger.

A guy walks up to the counter and says, "Burger and Fries, please".

Certainly Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"[email protected] off, you c*nt." he snaps, before walking off with his food.

I love working in a prison kitchen

A man walks into a library and orders two cheese burgers...

The librarian says, "Uh, sir, this is a library."

The man whispers

^(oh sorry, may I have two cheese burgers please?)

[True story] A coworker never heard of the burger restaurant “Five Guys”

And his daughter told him “I had five guys last night and I’m not feeling well now.”

A man goes up to a librarian and says, "Can I have a burger, please?"

"Sir, this is a library."

&nbsp;

^^"Sorry, ^^can ^^I ^^have ^^a ^^burger, ^^please?"

My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger.

It was mine.

A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger.

Apparently he is now in a stable condition.

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TIL that McDonald's and police use the same training material.

It's a 5 step de-escalation procedure. You know, a kind that some corporate HR would come up. Ones with corny, forced acronyms. But this one actually works pretty well:

1. Believe
2. Listen
3. Apologize
4. Satisfy
5. Thank the customer

So when a customer gets all pissy abou...

I had a heated discussion with an art historian yesterday

We disagreed on whether I ordered curly fries or mozzarella sticks with my burger

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I went to the hospital to visit my friend who had an accident.

While waiting in the waiting room, I felt hungry so bought some juice and 2 burgers from the cafeteria.

I was about to eat, when I saw a kid sitting on the chair beside me looking at me. I asked him if he was hungry. He nodded. So I gave him one of my burgers.

After a few minutes, his ...

Where do burgers go to dance?

The meatball.

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger...

The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. ...

My doctor recommended to eating Burger King more often.

Well he said I should not have McDonald's anymore, but I know what he meant.

So there's this cheerio who works at Burger King...

And he's a fantastic employee. He constantly washes tables and takes orders without complaints.

Every month, the Burger King Corporation throws a cheerio employee of the month party. It's always been Honey Nut's dream to go, but Fruity always gets to go. Every. Damn. Month. But not this mont...

Did you hear Burger King is promoting a black Whopper?

McDonalds responded by introducing a 3/5ths pounder.

My dentist told me to stop eating burgers.

This left me in shock. "Why?" I said.
"Beacuse Im trying to fix your teeth and its in my way"

Where do monkeys go to get their fast food?

Burger Kong.

What is my age ?

The new mathematics school teacher on the very first day asks a very complicated question.

Teacher: Let me see if you can answer this question :

"A train in Russia covers a distance of 600 kilometres in 4 hours . A bomber flies over a City in the Middle East and drops a huge bomb. A...

A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: 'handjob - $15'.

The girl asks: 'Can I help?

'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?'

The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'

The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'

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