UPJOKE
hamburgercheeseburgersandwichsausagepizzasteaktacoburritomeatbeefporkcheesefriesburgerssnack

Why were the burger and fries running

Because they’re fast food

What do you call a vegan burger?

A misteak

How does a burger introduce his wife?

Meet Patty

I told my wife I'd pick up Burger and Chips on the way home from work last night.

I think she regrets letting me name the twins.

A guy is sitting outside on a bench, eating a burger...

when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.


She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him "You know, a cow died somewhere so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?"


As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies "It's a sham...

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A man walks into a restaurant with an emu by his side.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says: “A burger, chips and a coke, please.”

He then turns to the emu and nods. “I’ll have the same,” says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order and says: “That will be £14.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket ...

Why did the astronaut throw away his vegetarian burger?

He wanted something *meteor*.

I was feeling poorly so I went to the doctors. After a thorough investigation, he said “don’t eat anything fatty”. I asked “Do you mean fries, burgers, etc?”

He replied “No! Don’t eat anything, FATTY!”

A ghost sits down at a restaurant table and orders a burger and a drink.

He confirms his order and the waiter asks him 'Do you want frights with that?'

What does Bruce Lee order in Burger King?

WOPPAAAH!

What's the most important ingredient in a business burger?

The deal pickle!

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

Found a human hair in my McDonald’s burger. I was so surprised....

... I didn’t know that they use natural ingredients.

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This guy walked up to the counter and said 'Burger and chips please,'

'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?'

'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

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What do pussies and Burger King have in common?

It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

Today I ate 7 Burgers

That's odd.

What type of burger isn't allowed on the titanic?

An iceburger

There's beef burgers made out of beef, and chicken burgers made out of chicken, but no burgers made out of pork.

They could call it a hamburger.

I went on a date the other night. She took out the pickles from her burger and cut them in half.

For me, that's a dill breaker.

My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.

They got really upset and started to cry.

Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My anaconda: No.

A rapper opened a burger joint in the Czech Republic

Now he boasts about how he makes fat Czechs.

This just in: A Burger King employee in Kalispell, Montana was arrested today after being caught putting vodka in the orange Hi-C.

Local police say it was the first reported case of a Flathead screwdriver.

Liam Neeson is retiring and going into the burger business. He first chooses his cuts of meat, then he says...

I will grind you and I will grill you.

A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

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What happen at after you go to Jack in the box, Dairy Queen and Burger King?

You take a royal flush.

What was favourite Steve Jobs' burger?

Big Mac

a bear walks into a bar and orders a burger then pauses for a while and says a large soda aswell

the bartender says why the long paws

Hey, has anyone seen the new deer burgers they sell at Walmart?

I heard they only cost a buck.

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I thought it would be nice to share a burger with this homeless guy I keep seeing on my way to work.

But that stingy jerk told me to go get my own.

A mathematician and his colleague go to a diner…

Professor Wilkins, a professor of topology, and his colleague, Professor Thompson of the statistics department, go to a diner near their building for lunch.

“So, what do you figure the chances are that I can get a free donut with lunch if I ask the waitress nicely?” asked Wilkins.

“Fre...

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What's the similarity between a dick and a McDonald's burger?

They're both smaller and less-filling than advertised.

A Muslim couple visit a restaurant known for serving exotic food. As they peruse the menu, the husband exclaims, "Wow! That gorilla burger sure looks good!"

His wife looks up in surprise. "That's haram, bae!" she admonishes.

Taught the kids how to make a burger from Scratch....

.....they were devastated. Stupid name for a cat anyway

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What do female pornstars and burgers have in common?

Both have seed on their buns

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I was enjoying the most delicious burger at the food court.

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger."

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all its fucking food!"

KFC but it could happen at Burger King too!

I went to the KFC to get the kids something to eat. They wanted the kid's meal with a leg so I said "kids meal with the leg" and the lady said, "Which side?" Me - \*Complete silence as I heavily contemplate such an odd question\* "I guess the right side, I don't know what the difference is." After s...

A cheese burger walks into a bar

The bartender shouts "Sorry, we don't serve food here!"

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper!

What do you call a Burger King on a deserted island?

Lord of the fries

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a Burger King Whopper?

The Whopper knows what it's like to be in a lower-class household.

Did you hear they were making a McJackson burger for Michael Jackson

It a 50 year old piece of meat in a 12 year old bun

The Special

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's the special tonight?" he asks the bartender. "It's our blue cheese bacon burger," the bartender replies. "Do you want to try one?" "Nah. I hate blue cheese," the guy replies. "I mean it's literally just cheese full of bacteria." "Hey," the bartender ...

I bought a pet snake. He’s a very picky eater. Only eats burgers, hot dogs, and sloppy joes.

Apparently, my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon.

Wendy's...

Asked the lady in the drive through at Wendy's if I could get a round burger patty and she was like.... "No sorry. We don't cut corners here"

the worm protector of the world

there’s this worm guarding the world, let’s call him Nate. Nate’s amazing. he’s been around for all of time, protecting the lever on a side of a mountain that’s always been “on”. Nate’s never let it switch to “off”, and that’s a good thing.

Nate is famous, as he should be, and although there...

It was my son’s birthday. So I took 4 of his friends out for a burger and a movie.

They had a great time. He would have loved it.

A vegan applied but was rejected for a job at Burger King...

She didn't meat the requirements.

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There was a food fight at the burger joint, but I didn't participate.

I had no beef in that fight.

Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain.

Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you.

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A panda walks into a bar, orders a burger, downs it in a few bites, pulls out a gun and shoots two bullets into the roof.

On his way to the door the waiter exclaims “why the f*ck did you do that?!”

To which the tired looking panda rolls his eyes and tosses a torn up wildlife manual across the counter, “i’m a panda, look it up...” before casually walking out the exit

After finding the relevant chapter the ...

One day when I was young, I watched my father grilling burgers.

When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.

He than left, and never came back.

An old couple at Burger King

A man noticed that an old couple eating at Burger King were splitting a small hamburger and small fries. They carefully split the burger and fries down the middle. The man went over to the table and offered to buy them each their own meal, assuming they couldn’t afford two meals. The old man told hi...

An elderly couple are at McDonald's

They order one meal between the 2 and go and sit down.

The guy in the booth next to them notices they've only got one meal and offers to buy them another one.

The elderly man says "no thank you we share everything"

So the elderly man then cuts the burger in half and gives half ...

when I worked at Wendy's, the company insisted that whoever made the burgers must draw the mustard onto the bun as a "W"

but I would draw the mustard onto burgers as an "M" and no one ever found out.

The one thing that always pestered me about In-N-Out Burger...

Is the fact it is no longer a burger going Out.

A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger.

Apparently he is now in a stable condition.

You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park

I guess he had a licence to grill

A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck and says "make me one with everything."

The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.

"Where's my change?" the monk asks.

The vendor replies,

"change comes from within."

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So a panda walks into a bar

A panda walks into a bar and grabs a seat. The bartender walks over and asks him "What can I get ya?" The panda then orders a bear and a burger. Bartender goes back and soon enough arrives with the panda's burger and a beer. The panda eats all the food and then pulls out a gun and shoots the bartend...

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

Burger King joke

What does Burger King and my boxers have in common?

They are both the Home Of The Whopper.

Yes there's a burger down there.

That is all.

Did you hear the one about the guy who took his fishing rod to Burger King?

He caught a Whopper.

(I'm hoping that this translates well to cultures outside of the UK - apologies if it doesn't)

I went to Burger King for dinner yesterday and the woman taking my order had a badge near her left breast that said Pat...

Long story short, I got banned from Burger King.

Two obese people start fighting over a burger. Who will win?

Type 2 diabetes

What do you call two burger buns that came out of the oven stuck to each other?

Sesamese twins.

Did you hear Burger King is promoting a black Whopper?

McDonalds responded by introducing a 3/5ths pounder.

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What do veggie burgers and dildos have in common?

They both are meat substitutes

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My girlfriend and I broke up bc I couldn’t handle that she likes her sex like she likes her burgers....

5 Guys

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day...

The first one says "My daddy is so cool he can eat four burgers at one meal".

The second one says "That's nothing. My daddy can eat six".

Little Jonny starts laughing and says "My Daddy can eat light bulbs".

The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him...

What does cooking burgers and wives have in common?

When the blood starts oozing out you flip them over to the brown side.

What is a burger’s favorite day?

Fry-day

To celebrate Shakespeare's birthday this year, McDonalds are launching a new burger...

...called the McBeth.

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The two founders of the McDonald’s restaurant were Mac and Dick McDonald. Their most famous burger is named after one of them.

I’m really glad they went with Big Mac.

Can 7 guys comfortably enjoy eating at 5 Guys burger joints?

No, it's impossible to fit a train in a restaurant.

In line at Burger King the other day, when I finally get to the counter the lady says sorry about the wait.

I said, "don't worry ma'am, you'll lose that eventually."

A guy walks up to the counter and says, "Burger and Fries, please".

Certainly Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"F@ck off, you c*nt." he snaps, before walking off with his food.

I love working in a prison kitchen

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

What do you call a halal burger van

Allah snackbar

What is Toshinori Yagi’s favourite type of burger?

A Smash Burger

What is Ronald Mcdonalds favourite weed type?

A burger joint

A fast food employee dropped my burger patty on the floor before serving it to me.

They said it was ground beef.

My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger.

It was mine.

A man goes up to a librarian and says, "Can I have a burger, please?"

"Sir, this is a library."

&nbsp;

^^"Sorry, ^^can ^^I ^^have ^^a ^^burger, ^^please?"

Did you hear about McDonald's new burger made entirely of beef lips?

It's called the McJagger.

So there's this cheerio who works at Burger King...

And he's a fantastic employee. He constantly washes tables and takes orders without complaints.

Every month, the Burger King Corporation throws a cheerio employee of the month party. It's always been Honey Nut's dream to go, but Fruity always gets to go. Every. Damn. Month. But not this mont...

Did you hear about the line of veggie burgers released by Greta Van Fleet?

They are 100% plant-based.

Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?

Because it's in its ground state.

I went to this restaurant on the beach in Florida and ordered something called the Pelican Burger.

It was good, but the bill was enormous.

[True story] A coworker never heard of the burger restaurant “Five Guys”

And his daughter told him “I had five guys last night and I’m not feeling well now.”

Buying burgers is like dating.

If you get the ones with more fat, you’ll enjoy more flavor, but if you get the leaner ones, you’ll look better.

Why do anacondas like hamburgers?

Cause it got buns, hun

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

How many vegans does it take to eat a cheese and bacon burger?

One, if noone is watching.

I left some burgers sitting in my fridge since the horse-meat scandal.

AND THEY'RE OFF!!

Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductivel...

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A man walks into a burger joint...

He reads off the menu:

Hamburger $2.50
Cheeseburger $3.50
HandJobs $25.00

He walks up and whispers to the girl running the til; “are you the one who gives the $25 handjobs?”

The girl replies; “yes” , with a smile on her face.

“Okay, go wash y...

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