UPJOKE
hamburgercheeseburgersandwichsausagepizzasteaktacoburritomeatbeefporkcheesefriesburgerssnack

Why were the burger and fries running

Because they’re fast food

What do you call a vegan burger?

A misteak

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I was enjoying the most delicious burger at the food court.

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger."

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all its fucking food!"

A burger walks into a bar...

The bartender says "sorry we don't serve food"

I asked Jeffery Dahmer if he wanted to go out for burgers...

…but he told me said he’s good; he’s got Five Guys at home.

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This guy walked up to the counter and said 'Burger and chips please,'

'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?'

'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

My friend is such a big fan of the Royal Family, each of his four sons are named after a king.

**Henry**

**George**

**Charles**

**Burger.**

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

Andrew Lloyd Webber came into Burger King.

He asked the person behind the counter to give him a couple of whoppers. The person said: your really good looking and your shows are excellent.

Found a hair in my McDonald’s burger, I was so surprised…

…I didn’t know they used natural ingredients

What's an investors favourite burger?

A quarterly compounder

l made $48m today and I’m STILL having Burger King for dinner.

Just another day working at the Federal Reserve.

A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger.

Apparently he is now in a stable condition.

Chuck Norris went into Burger King and ordered a Big Mac.

And he got one.

I ate a burger in church today

The priest then said “Holy cow”

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

I was going to grill some burgers later

But I dropped the patties and now we're having ground beef

I'm really looking forward to the world Cup themed McDonald's burger.

The Qatar pounder

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What do pussies and Burger King have in common? [NSFW]

It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

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I take my anal the same way I take my burgers

Smashed and involving Five Guys

How does a burger introduce his wife?

Meet Patty

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My anaconda: No.

There's beef burgers made out of beef, and chicken burgers made out of chicken, but no burgers made out of pork.

They could call it a hamburger.

It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling.

They had a great time, he would have loved it

What does Bruce Lee order in Burger King?

WOPPAAAH!

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Why was the Hulk charged with sexual harassment at Burger King?

He asked them to hold the pickle.

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Sharing...

An elderly couple stands at the counter at the local burger joint. The man orders a deluxe burger, large fries, and a cup of decaf. The counter clerk turns to the woman and asks her what she would like.

“Oh, nothing for me, deary. My husband and I share everything.'”

The clerk hits a...

Why did the astronaut throw away his vegetarian burger?

He wanted something *meteor*.

My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger.

It was mine.

Did you hear Burger King is promoting a black Whopper?

McDonalds responded by introducing a 3/5ths pounder.

A guy is sitting outside on a bench, eating a burger...

when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.


She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him "You know, a cow died somewhere so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?"


As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies "It's a sham...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.

Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".

Genie: Wait, what? Why?

Man: It's for a joke, trust me.

Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?

Man: Yes.

Burger King: Have it your way.

I went to McDonalds and Wendy’s and Burger Kings and all the fries were burnt!

Then I realized it’s Black Fryday

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If there’s one thing I love in this world, its fucking Whoppers from Burger King,

And eating them too.

What's the most important ingredient in a business burger?

The deal pickle!

I just saw two hotdogs and a burger stumble out of a club, blind drunk and blazed on coke and weed. I was disgusted...

I hate to see food wasted like that. Frugal upbringing.

Burger King joke

What does Burger King and my boxers have in common?

They are both the Home Of The Whopper.

Yes there's a burger down there.

That is all.

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I thought it would be nice to share a burger with this homeless guy I keep seeing on my way to work.

But that stingy jerk told me to go get my own.

What type of burger isn't allowed on the titanic?

An iceburger

An old couple at Burger King

A man noticed that an old couple eating at Burger King were splitting a small hamburger and small fries. They carefully split the burger and fries down the middle. The man went over to the table and offered to buy them each their own meal, assuming they couldn’t afford two meals. The old man told hi...

I put out a poll to see if anyone out there was interested in insect based burgers.

All I’m hearing is crickets!

A ghost sits down at a restaurant table and orders a burger and a drink.

He confirms his order and the waiter asks him 'Do you want frights with that?'

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A woman finds hair in her burger.

A woman gets free meals onece every week by complaining that she has a hair in her order by intentionally putting her own hair.
The fourth week, manager gets pissed and asks to meet all of the employees at the restaurant including waiters, sweepers, cooks, men at the counter, bouncer and the mana...

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What's the similarity between a dick and a McDonald's burger?

They're both smaller and less-filling than advertised.

A rapper opened a burger joint in the Czech Republic

Now he boasts about how he makes fat Czechs.

I left some burgers sitting in my fridge since the horse-meat scandal.

AND THEY'RE OFF!!

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During my visit to Bruxelles over the weekend, I was offered a burger made from insects and everyone assured me it tasted 100% like the real thing.

I thought "Fuck, how do those guys in Belgium know how crickets taste?"

A mathematician opens a burger restaurant in a city already filled with burger restaurants...

A customer asks the owner:


“How do you plan to differentiate from other burger restaurants?”


The owner replies and says:


“I integrate instead.”

I told my wife I'd pick up Burger and Chips on the way home from work last night.

I think she regrets letting me name the twins.

KFC but it could happen at Burger King too!

I went to the KFC to get the kids something to eat. They wanted the kid's meal with a leg so I said "kids meal with the leg" and the lady said, "Which side?" Me - \*Complete silence as I heavily contemplate such an odd question\* "I guess the right side, I don't know what the difference is." After s...

A man comes up to the drive thru window, and the attendant greets him:

Attendant: Welcome, how may I help you today?

Customer: I'd like a burger and a vanilla ice cream cone

Attendant: Sorry, the ice cream machine is broken again today, and we don't know how long it'll be down, so we don't have any ice cream today.

Customer: How about fries and ic...

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What do female pornstars and burgers have in common?

Both have seed on their buns

So there's this cheerio who works at Burger King...

And he's a fantastic employee. He constantly washes tables and takes orders without complaints.

Every month, the Burger King Corporation throws a cheerio employee of the month party. It's always been Honey Nut's dream to go, but Fruity always gets to go. Every. Damn. Month. But not this mont...

What is a burger’s favorite day?

Fry-day

A guy orders a burger and chips.

“I’ll have a burger and chips please” says a guy.

“Are you eating in or do you want it takeaway?” I ask.

“Get f*cked c*nt!” Says the guy as he grabs his food and walks away.

I love working in the prison canteen.

Where do burgers go to dance?

The meatball.

The one thing that always pestered me about In-N-Out Burger...

Is the fact it is no longer a burger going Out.

Hey, has anyone seen the new deer burgers they sell at Walmart?

I heard they only cost a buck.

A vegan applied but was rejected for a job at Burger King...

She didn't meat the requirements.

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper!

Buying burgers is like dating.

If you get the ones with more fat, you’ll enjoy more flavor, but if you get the leaner ones, you’ll look better.

Taught the kids how to make a burger from Scratch....

.....they were devastated. Stupid name for a cat anyway

What do you call a Burger King on a deserted island?

Lord of the fries

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

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A man walks into a burger joint...

He reads off the menu:

Hamburger $2.50
Cheeseburger $3.50
HandJobs $25.00

He walks up and whispers to the girl running the til; “are you the one who gives the $25 handjobs?”

The girl replies; “yes” , with a smile on her face.

“Okay, go wash y...

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What happen at after you go to Jack in the box, Dairy Queen and Burger King?

You take a royal flush.

Ordered a burger at GameStop

Sent it back because it tasted so gamey.

What's a burger's favorite holiday???????????????

Saint Patty's Day of course.

Five guys walk into a Burger King.

In-n-out.

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There was a food fight at the burger joint, but I didn't participate.

I had no beef in that fight.

One day when I was young, I watched my father grilling burgers.

When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.

He than left, and never came back.

Did you hear they were making a McJackson burger for Michael Jackson

It a 50 year old piece of meat in a 12 year old bun

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"I'd like some lettuce on my burger."

Cashier: Sir, can you spell the "tom" in tomatoes? Customer: T O M.
Cashier: OK Can you spell the "fuck" in lettuce?
Customer: There is no fuck in lettuce!
Cashier: exactly, we are out of lettuce.

An older gentleman came into work today when we were out of lettuce and told my friend...

I went to this restaurant on the beach in Florida and ordered something called the Pelican Burger.

It was good, but the bill was enormous.

I bought a pet snake. He’s a very picky eater. Only eats burgers, hot dogs, and sloppy joes.

Apparently, my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon.

An elderly couple decides to live it up a little and go to McDonald's...

When they order the food, the old man divides the fries in half and splits the burger in two.

Some students see this and offer to buy some more food so that they can both eat a whole sandwich.

"No, no, that's fine," says the old man, "We share everything."

So the old man start...

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink...

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then s...

Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?

Because it's in its ground state.

An old couple goes out for lunch.

They order one burger, one small fry, and one drink. The man gets an extra cup and pours half of the drink into the other cup, gets a plastic knife and cuts the burger in half, and dumps out the fries and divides them.

I noticed and asked if they needed a few bucks to buy another meal. The o...

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

To celebrate Shakespeare's birthday this year, McDonalds are launching a new burger...

...called the McBeth.

My dentist told me to stop eating burgers.

This left me in shock. "Why?" I said.
"Beacuse Im trying to fix your teeth and its in my way"

Had my first Wookie burger in memory of Peter Mayhew today

It was a bit chewie

What's the slogan for Burger King in Israel?

Have it Yahweh

What does cooking burgers and wives have in common?

When the blood starts oozing out you flip them over to the brown side.

A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: 'handjob - $15'.

The girl asks: 'Can I help?

'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?'

The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'

The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'

[True story] A coworker never heard of the burger restaurant “Five Guys”

And his daughter told him “I had five guys last night and I’m not feeling well now.”

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