UPJOKE
germanyhanseatic leagueelberotterdamairbuseuropean unionnorth seaberlinnetherlandsbremenbaltic seahafencityalsterunited statescity

Hamburg Jokes

What did one hamburger bun say to the other hamburger bun?

Nothing. They had beef between them.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink...

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then s...

A hamburger walks into a bar..

The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here."

How does a hamburger introduce his wife???

Meat patty...

Mrs Laura a kindergarten teacher asked her class "what things we can eat?" "Bread" "Yes" "Hamburger" "Ok"

A girl answered "Light",
"Omg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?"
"Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'".

Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak?

Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom asked if I was OK with hamburgers for dinner, and I felt bad for the cows.

I said "I at least don't want to eat the *nice* cows. Is there a way to only eat the assholes?" She replied "Hot dogs it is!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head ...

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger

The librarian says, "This is a library."

The man apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a hamburger, please."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

Yo mamma so fat

Her favourite soccer team is Hamburg

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger - 2.99 Cheeseburger - 3.99 Chicken Sandwich - 4.99 Hand Jobs - 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties.

She smiles at the biker coyly, and he ...

Whats a hamburger on a motorcyle?

Fast food

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach.

There is nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. Suddenly, Satan comes up to him.
"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me", he says. ...

Why do anacondas like hamburgers?

Cause it got buns, hun

What do you call a person from Hamburg?

German

(My 8-year old was very proud of coming up with this one!)

What does a redneck and a hamburger have in common?

They're both in bread.

A old British man is waiting to get in to the Hamburg airport and his fumbling to get his passport when the custom agent says” God sir have you ever been to Hamburg before”

The man says “yes it was the 40s it was dark we didn’t land”

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

What do you call "hamburger helper" for road kill?

"Roadside Assistance"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is making hamburgers made of deer meat for his family for dinner one night ...

He says to his kids "try to guess whats in the hamburger. Ill give you a hint, its what mommy calls me"

Immediatly his son yells to his sister "stop eating it! Its a fucking dick!"

What did the hamburger say to the hot dog?

You’re on a roll!

What's the name of noble from Hamburg?

Burgerking

NEVER get a hamburger in Athens.

Way too Greecey.

Why did the space rock eat the hamburger?

It wanted to be meteor.

Where did the two hamburgers go to dance?

The meatball

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a blow job and a hamburger?

If you don’t know the answer then I would like to take you to lunch.

How long does it take a vegan to finish a hamburger?

5 seconds depending on if anybody is watching the dog.

What’s the difference between new and old hamburger meat?

One is ground beef and the other is browned grief.

Give a man a hamburger . . .

you will feed him for a day. Lend a man a hamburger and he will gladly pay you Tuesday.

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger...

The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American was talking to a Japanese friend on why he wouldn't eat french fries and hamburgers...

The Japanese friend said: "In Japan normally we don't eat a lot of unhealthy stuff because it'll make us fat".

The American said: "Why do you care about being fat?"

The Japanese friend said: "You don't want to know what happened last time when we had a fat man in Japan..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a diner and orders a hamburger

The waitress pulls out a hamburger patty from the freezer and puts it under her armpit.

The man asks "what the hell are you doing?". She responds, "I am defrosting it"

The guy sitting next to him says "I'LL TAKE THE HOT DOG!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bless me father for I have sinned

A man walks into a confession booth.

He says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."

The priest there says to him, "Speak my child."

The man says, "Well father I lived in Hamburg during the Second World War. The Gestapo was searching for Jews to send to concentration camps, an...

What do you call a Tom Cruise movie with a hamburger in it?

Top Bun.

What do you call a male cow that eats hamburgers?

A cannibull..ha..ha..?

A man was sitting near a corner of a park, eating a hamburger

A lady with a dog comes and sits next to him

The dog starts whining seeing the hamburger

So the man asks the lady,"Do you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all" the lady replies, pleased

So the man got up and threw the dog over the park fence

What did the Mongols put on their Hamburgers?

Khan-diments.

What kind of food truck serves hamburgers?

A patty wagon

People form Pittsburgh are called Pittsburgers. Do you know what people from Hamburg are called?

Germans

Why did hamburger go to the gym?

To get better buns.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into McDonald's to report a man soliciting sex in the parking lot.

The clerk asks him what happened, and he proceeds to tell them that there is a man in the parking lot offering a blowjob in exchange for a hamburger. The clerk lets the man know that they will inform the manager who will call the police and have the man removed. They then thank the man and ask him w...

How do you call it when you help someone make a hamburger?

A co-whopperation.

What do you call a frozen hamburger?

A ham-brrr-ger.

my 7yo claims she made it up herself.

Why should you always knock before entering the Hamburger Helper Mascot’s room?

He might beef stroganoff.

How many vegans does it take to eat a hamburger?

Depends if anyone is looking.

Where do all the bad hamburger buns live?

In the seedy part of town

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do hamburgers and hot dogs fuck their cousins?

Because they're inbred!

I was about to eat my hamburger when an old lady approached me and beg me for food...

I felt pity on her and gave her half of my burger. Turns out she was a Fairy

Poof

Fairy: because of your kindness i will grant you one wish

Me: Really? I want a brand new Ferrari!

And there it was, 1/2 of a Ferrari

What's the difference between water falling from the sky and hamburgers falling from the sky?

One of them is a meatier shower.

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.

The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”
She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”
He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”

The Revenge of a Truck Driver

A truck driver stopped at a roadside restaurant. The waitress brought him a hamburger, a cup of coffee and a piece of pie. As the truck driver was about to start eating , three men in leather jackets pulled up on motorcycles and came inside. One grabbed the man's hamburger, the second one drank his ...

It's crazy to think that we have scientists that can make hamburgers out of plants. These possibilities are just...

Beyond meat

Following the meatless hamburger craze, a German company announced that they will start making a patty made out of Soylent Green.

They insist it is made completely from Hamburgers.

An American cannibal visits Germany. What does he have for lunch?

A Hamburger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German truck driver is sitting in a Liverpool bar mouthing off about how lazy the British are.

He says 'I drive my truck from Hamburg to Liverpool via Holland/Belgium over to the UK and up to Liverpool, drops his load off and back to Hamburg in under 2 days."

A drunk old scouse man can't help but hear him and mutters 'Fuck off lad, I used to pick my load up in Liverpool, drop it off in...

An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger.

He says "ok, hamburger." The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill. The old lady says,"Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!" The waiter says, “That’s nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.

What did the homeless guy eat after he dropped his hamburger?

Ground beef

The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt.

As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.
Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger.
The cook proceeded t...

In my day, I could walk into the grocery with a dime and walk out with a loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, and a pound of hamburger.

Nowadays they've got these newfangled cameras everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After days of driving, a trucker walks into a empty small-town diner and sees three signs above the counter.

The first reads "Hamburger: $5," the second reads "Cheeseburger: $6," and the third reads "Handjob: $10." As the man approached, a beautiful young woman dressed in an apron came out from the kitchen and asked coyly, "What can I do for you, hon?"

"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" asked...

Good thing Kennedy was in Berlin when he made his famous speech,

instead of Hamburg.

A man walks into a bar, and begins reading the menu overhead the smoking hot bartender.

The sign reads as follows:


* Nachos $4


* Hamburger $3


* Hotdog $2


* Grilled Chicken Sandwich $3


* Grilled Cheese $2


* Fries, Onion Rings, and Tater Tots $1.50


* Handjob $10


After he looks over the menu for a mome...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.