How long does it take a vegan to finish a hamburger?

5 seconds depending on if anybody is watching the dog.

Why did the hamburger lose the race?

‘Cause he couldn’t carry his buns!

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger...

The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. ...

What do you call a person from Hamburg?

German

(My 8-year old was very proud of coming up with this one!)

Why did the space rock eat the hamburger?

It wanted to be meteor.

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An American was talking to a Japanese friend on why he wouldn't eat french fries and hamburgers...

The Japanese friend said: "In Japan normally we don't eat a lot of unhealthy stuff because it'll make us fat".

The American said: "Why do you care about being fat?"

The Japanese friend said: "You don't want to know what happened last time when we had a fat man in Japan..."

How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Meat Patty

NEVER get a hamburger in Athens.

Way too Greecey.

Where did the two hamburgers go to dance?

The meatball

Following the meatless hamburger craze, a German company announced that they will start making a patty made out of Soylent Green.

They insist it is made completely from Hamburgers.

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Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, ‟That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I am a gonna go over there and help.” He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head...

A hamburger walks into a bar

The hamburger sits down at the bar and asks the bartender “hey can I get a beer?”
The bartender replies “sorry we don’t serve food here.”

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach...

There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him.

"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy wa...

What do you call a Tom Cruise movie with a hamburger in it?

Top Bun.

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A man walks into a diner and orders a hamburger

The waitress pulls out a hamburger patty from the freezer and puts it under her armpit.

The man asks "what the hell are you doing?". She responds, "I am defrosting it"

The guy sitting next to him says "I'LL TAKE THE HOT DOG!"

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Are these plates clean?

John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold...

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A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later...

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink...

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then s...

There's beef burgers made out of beef, and chicken burgers made out of chicken, but no burgers made out of pork.

They could call it a hamburger.

A man was sitting near a corner of a park, eating a hamburger

A lady with a dog comes and sits next to him

The dog starts whining seeing the hamburger

So the man asks the lady,"Do you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all" the lady replies, pleased

So the man got up and threw the dog over the park fence

An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger.

He says "ok, hamburger." The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill. The old lady says,"Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!" The waiter says, “That’s nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.

I was about to eat my hamburger when an old lady approached me and beg me for food...

I felt pity on her and gave her half of my burger. Turns out she was a Fairy

Poof

Fairy: because of your kindness i will grant you one wish

Me: Really? I want a brand new Ferrari!

And there it was, 1/2 of a Ferrari

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.

The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”
She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”
He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”

Why should you always knock before entering the Hamburger Helper Mascot’s room?

He might beef stroganoff.

It's crazy to think that we have scientists that can make hamburgers out of plants. These possibilities are just...

Beyond meat

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Government

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

What do priests and McDonald’s hamburgers have in common?

They both put meat in between ten year old buns.

Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak?

Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

What’s the difference between new and old hamburger meat?

One is ground beef and the other is browned grief.

A burger selling shop had so little business that they were about to close.

The boss, however, suddenly came up with a bright idea in the middle of supervising the employees (especially needed because since there were no customers, the employees would look at their phones) and yelled, "EUREKA!""We'll set up a challenge!" he cried to the slightly bewildered employees. "Let's...

Why did the Hamburger Helper get fired from the restaurant?

Because he was Stroganoff on the job!

A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: 'handjob - $15'.

The girl asks: 'Can I help?

'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?'

The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'

The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'

How do you call it when you help someone make a hamburger?

A co-whopperation.

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A WWII Veteran is recounting his time in the Air Force with his grandkids

"I remember flying over Hamburg, I saw one fucker attempt to shoot down my wingman, so I attacked that fucker, but then another fucker came up behind me, and I had to dodge both of those fuckers." He says to his grandchildren.

"A Fokker is a kind of German Airplane." His daughter says to her ...

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A man is making hamburgers made of deer meat for his family for dinner one night ...

He says to his kids "try to guess whats in the hamburger. Ill give you a hint, its what mommy calls me"

Immediatly his son yells to his sister "stop eating it! Its a fucking dick!"

People form Pittsburgh are called Pittsburgers. Do you know what people from Hamburg are called?

Germans

I went to a bar on the weekend and the sign read:

Hamburgers £1:00
Cheeseburgers £2:00
Hand Job £3:00 (Oh yesss!!)
I called the attractive blonde behind the bar across to enquire. "Can I help you?" she asked with a big smile. "I was wondering (I whispered) Are you the one who gives them ummm!! Hand Jobs?" "Yessssss" she almost purrs "I am"...

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A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at th...

A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...

The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.

The waiter responds, “I assure you it’s not. In the morning he makes donuts.”

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Trump, Putin and Merkel are taking a walk along the Hamburg harbour...

...during the G20 summit. In an attempt to show off the technology and military strength of his country, Trump brags: "Our submarines are the best. The greatest. They're huge. They can stay underwater for 1 month without surfacing!"

Putin just shrugs and grumbles, "Is nothing. Russian submari...

What's the name of noble from Hamburg?

Burgerking

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An American, European and Israeli get captured by ISIS.

The captors decide after some discussion that they will behead all 3. The captors ask each of the people what they would like before being executed. The American is asking for a hamburger, the European asked for red wine and the Israeli asked to be kicked in the butt.

All three received what...

Once a panda walked into a restaurant...

...and ordered a hamburger and some fries. The waiter was surprised to see a panda in the bar but served him thinking it to be an intelligent animal as it ordered it's own food.

The panda finished its food and as it saw the waiter approaching it with the bill, it got up and shot him with a pi...

An old couple at Burger King

A man noticed that an old couple eating at Burger King were splitting a small hamburger and small fries. They carefully split the burger and fries down the middle. The man went over to the table and offered to buy them each their own meal, assuming they couldn’t afford two meals. The old man told hi...

Give a man a hamburger . . .

you will feed him for a day. Lend a man a hamburger and he will gladly pay you Tuesday.

What do you call a male cow that eats hamburgers?

A cannibull..ha..ha..?

What did the cow say to the hamburger?

Chuck, not you too!

Going out to eat

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is goi...

What kind of food truck serves hamburgers?

A patty wagon

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[NSFW] I eat pussy like I eat my hamburgers...

People are starting to wonder why I'm crying in front of my untouched burger

If Londoners are what you call people from London and New Yorkers are what you call people from New York, what are Hamburgers??

Delicious!!

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

How many vegans does it take to eat a hamburger?

Depends if anyone is looking.

I had a friend who lived in Frankfurt. He got tired of being called a Frankfurter.

So he moved to Hamburg.

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Buttocks

Dad takes his 4 and 6 year old for lunch.
Waitress asks the 6 year old, "what will ya' have, sugah?"
6 year old replies, "I'll have a god damn hamburger".

Just like that the kid is smacked by his daddy almost knocking him off his seat.

Waitress <gasping> now asks the 4 ...

How do you make a hamburger laugh?

Pickle it gently.

When finally the quarantaine is over and you have the following options: A. Going on vacation with your wife. B. Having a barbecue with your friends. What would you choose?

Spareribs or hamburgers?

What did the Mongols put on their Hamburgers?

Khan-diments.

Why did hamburger go to the gym?

To get better buns.

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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs a...

What do you call a frozen hamburger?

A ham-brrr-ger.

my 7yo claims she made it up herself.

What's the difference between water falling from the sky and hamburgers falling from the sky?

One of them is a meatier shower.

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Why do hamburgers and hot dogs fuck their cousins?

Because they're inbred!

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Three men on their lunch break *LONG*

Three men were working together on the 40th floor construction of the Empire State Building.
An American, an Italian, and a Canadian.

A loud horn is heard signifying lunch, and all three men sat together, on the edge, their feet dangling a hundreds of feet in the air.

The American o...

What did the homeless guy eat after he dropped his hamburger?

Ground beef

Word on the street is that an Iranian lawmaker is trying to take out the President

He should know that the President has a preference for hamburgers and caviar.

Where do all the bad hamburger buns live?

In the seedy part of town

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Bless me father for I have sinned

A man walks into a confession booth.

He says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."

The priest there says to him, "Speak my child."

The man says, "Well father I lived in Hamburg during the Second World War. The Gestapo was searching for Jews to send to concentration camps, an...

HOT AIR BALLOON

One day an American, Asian and an Australian were in a hot air balloon when they started to fall so the pilet said "each of you need to throw out one thing you have too much of". So the American started by throwing out hamburgers saying " we have too many of these in our country". Then the Asian wen...

Waitress asked man if he had any questions about the menu....

"Yeah, what font is the hamburger special?"

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