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A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger..

The librarian says, "This is a library." The man apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a hamburger, please."

Whats a hamburger on a motorcyle?

Fast food

A old British man is waiting to get in to the Hamburg airport and his fumbling to get his passport when the custom agent says” God sir have you ever been to Hamburg before”

The man says “yes it was the 40s it was dark we didn’t land”

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

A hamburger walks into a bar..

The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here."

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Meat Patty

In my day, I could walk into the grocery with a dime and walk out with a loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, and a pound of hamburger.

Nowadays they've got these newfangled cameras everywhere.

Why do anacondas like hamburgers?

Cause it got buns, hun

What does a redneck and a hamburger have in common?

They're both in bread.

A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald’s.

He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup...

What do you call "hamburger helper" for road kill?

"Roadside Assistance"

What do you call a person from Hamburg?

German

(My 8-year old was very proud of coming up with this one!)

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man'...

What did the hamburger say to the hot dog?

You’re on a roll!

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A biker walks into a bar

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, ...

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An American was talking to a Japanese friend on why he wouldn't eat french fries and hamburgers...

The Japanese friend said: "In Japan normally we don't eat a lot of unhealthy stuff because it'll make us fat".

The American said: "Why do you care about being fat?"

The Japanese friend said: "You don't want to know what happened last time when we had a fat man in Japan..."

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What’s the difference between a blow job and a hamburger?

If you don’t know the answer then I would like to take you to lunch.

a Colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

Jane's friend took a bite of her hamburger.

vs.

Jane's friend took a bite of her colon.

March 2023, one year into the Ukraine war

A scowling man said to himself as he walked: No hamburgers, no coffee, not even toiletries...

At this time, police in plainclothes came over and whispered to him: I warn you, if you slander great Russia under Putin's leadership like this, I will hit you with a pistol on the head!

The...

How long does it take a vegan to finish a hamburger?

5 seconds depending on if anybody is watching the dog.

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger...

The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. ...

Why did the space rock eat the hamburger?

It wanted to be meteor.

Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak?

Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

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Can Cold Water Wash Dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfathe...

Following the meatless hamburger craze, a German company announced that they will start making a patty made out of Soylent Green.

They insist it is made completely from Hamburgers.

NEVER get a hamburger in Athens.

Way too Greecey.

Where did the two hamburgers go to dance?

The meatball

What do you call a Tom Cruise movie with a hamburger in it?

Top Bun.

A man was sitting near a corner of a park, eating a hamburger

A lady with a dog comes and sits next to him

The dog starts whining seeing the hamburger

So the man asks the lady,"Do you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all" the lady replies, pleased

So the man got up and threw the dog over the park fence

An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger.

He says "ok, hamburger." The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill. The old lady says,"Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!" The waiter says, “That’s nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.

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A man walks into a diner and orders a hamburger

The waitress pulls out a hamburger patty from the freezer and puts it under her armpit.

The man asks "what the hell are you doing?". She responds, "I am defrosting it"

The guy sitting next to him says "I'LL TAKE THE HOT DOG!"

What’s the difference between new and old hamburger meat?

One is ground beef and the other is browned grief.

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A man is making hamburgers made of deer meat for his family for dinner one night ...

He says to his kids "try to guess whats in the hamburger. Ill give you a hint, its what mommy calls me"

Immediatly his son yells to his sister "stop eating it! Its a fucking dick!"

People form Pittsburgh are called Pittsburgers. Do you know what people from Hamburg are called?

Germans

I was about to eat my hamburger when an old lady approached me and beg me for food...

I felt pity on her and gave her half of my burger. Turns out she was a Fairy

Poof

Fairy: because of your kindness i will grant you one wish

Me: Really? I want a brand new Ferrari!

And there it was, 1/2 of a Ferrari

the worm protector of the world

there’s this worm guarding the world, let’s call him Nate. Nate’s amazing. he’s been around for all of time, protecting the lever on a side of a mountain that’s always been “on”. Nate’s never let it switch to “off”, and that’s a good thing.

Nate is famous, as he should be, and although there...

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A New Bar/Restaurant Opens in Virginia

A hamburger, a beer, and a bottle of whiskey walk in.



"The daily special looks good, I'll have that," says the hamburger.



"Make it two, I'd like the special as well," says the beer.




"Ah why not, I'll also have the daily special," says the bottle of wh...

It's crazy to think that we have scientists that can make hamburgers out of plants. These possibilities are just...

Beyond meat

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.

The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”
She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”
He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”

Why should you always knock before entering the Hamburger Helper Mascot’s room?

He might beef stroganoff.

Give a man a hamburger . . .

you will feed him for a day. Lend a man a hamburger and he will gladly pay you Tuesday.

What's the name of noble from Hamburg?

Burgerking

A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...

The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.

The waiter responds, “I assure you it’s not. In the morning he makes donuts.”

How do you call it when you help someone make a hamburger?

A co-whopperation.

What do you call a male cow that eats hamburgers?

A cannibull..ha..ha..?

Why did the Hamburger Helper get fired from the restaurant?

Because he was Stroganoff on the job!

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach...

There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him.

"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy wa...

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

What did the Mongols put on their Hamburgers?

Khan-diments.

Dr. In Heaven (Long)

A world famous heart surgeon had a massive heart attack and suddenly found himself in heaven. He was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter and was warmly welcomed.
After touring heaven he noticed that for every thing in heaven, there was a long line of people waiting to get in. Movies-line, bathro...

If Londoners are what you call people from London and New Yorkers are what you call people from New York, what are Hamburgers??

Delicious!!

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

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[NSFW] I eat pussy like I eat my hamburgers...

People are starting to wonder why I'm crying in front of my untouched burger

How many vegans does it take to eat a hamburger?

Depends if anyone is looking.

What kind of food truck serves hamburgers?

A patty wagon

How do you make a hamburger laugh?

Pickle it gently.

What's the difference between water falling from the sky and hamburgers falling from the sky?

One of them is a meatier shower.

Why did hamburger go to the gym?

To get better buns.

What do you call a frozen hamburger?

A ham-brrr-ger.

my 7yo claims she made it up herself.

Where do all the bad hamburger buns live?

In the seedy part of town

What is the current food trend with German hipster cannibals?

Vegan Hamburgers.

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Why do hamburgers and hot dogs fuck their cousins?

Because they're inbred!

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