I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.

But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read any of it.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes...

I now have Heinzsight.

The Ketchup shortage this year was so predictable.

But I guess Heinz sight is 2020

Why did the ketchup blush?

He saw the salad dressing.

Shortage of Heinz ketchup packets...

... now secretly caused by usage for hemorrhoids. The company will now market "A" Heinz for restaurants and "B" Heinz for hemorrhoids.

There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America

If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes.

I can say that with Heinz sight.

What did the vampires wife say when he put ketchup on his steak?

Please don’t bring your work home

What do you call a mix of ketchup and mustard?

The Spanish Inquisition

My wife told me to add ketchup to the shopping list before I went to the store

I don't know why since now I can't read what it says

Why was the ketchup feeling bad?

Because it had the squirts.

Courtesy of my 8 year old nephew

My girlfriend is like a bottle of ketchup

I always have to slap her on the bottom to get her to come

In retrospect, I should have known rubbing ketchup on my eyes would be useless.

Oh well, Heinz-sight is 20/20 I guess.

I used to think that putting ketchup on my glasses was a great way to clean them.

But in Heinz sight, I don't think that was such a good idea.

I rubbed tomato ketchup in my eyes this morning, found it was a bad idea...

Looking back I guess that’s why they call it Heinzsight

Three moles live in a hole together.

One day a pancake breakfast is set up around the mole hole. One of the three moles sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell syrup!"

The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell ketchup!"

The third mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but cannot ...

I was checking out at supermarket today when I noticed the man in front of me put only one thing on the conveyor belt...

A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact.

So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on the belt and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages"

Yo mama’s so stupid...

She cried onto a ketchup packet because it said “tear here.”

To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.

In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair

A funny story written by some of my Chinese students, 10/11 years old. i hope it makes you laugh

The Foolish Farmer


 
A long time ago, there was a farmer who had never been to the city before. One day, he went to the supermarket in the city. He saw a rubber that was like a small car. He asked the seller, “Why is this car so small?”
 


The seller replied, “ Its not a c...

What do you call a person who eats chocolate with ketchup?

An idiot. You call them an idiot.

How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?

He mustard up the courage.

After eating fries covered in ketchup, I accidentally rubbed my eyes without washing my hands. Luckily, I'm able to see just fine.

You know what they say. Heinzsight is 20/20.

Do you know why the ketchup industry is thriving in Germany this year?

Heinz' zeit is 2020

Three tomatoes are walking down the street..

Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.

Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.

Papa goes back and squishes baby and says:

"Ketchup."

I used to bathe in tomato ketchup

In heinz-site, it wasn't the best idea

I was eating a hotdog the other day and when I took a bite ketchup squirted in my eye.

Now I have heinzsight

Joke

If tomatoes are a fruit isn’t ketchup technically a smoothie?

Why did the mustard lose the race between sauces?

Because it couldn't ketchup

Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?

Because the sauce ages

You know that sound when the ketchup bottle falls against the cabin you just closed?

That's the sound of someone else's problem.

Humans are like ketchup on a steak

People look at you funny when you eat them

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

I once passed the chance to be CEO of a ketchup company

In Heinz-sight that was a mistake

I shouldn't have poured all that ketchup into my eyes

It seems pretty obvious now that i have complete Heinz sight

After my friend poured ketchup in his eyes for a dare he exclaimed, “This was a terrible idea.”

Heinz sight is 20/20

Did you hear about the new brand of glasses coming out this year that are made entirely from recycled ketchup bottles?

Heinz-Sight 2020

When do you know you bought the wrong ketchup?

In heinzsight.

Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?

Because they can’t ketchup.

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?

Nothing.

So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard

'Twas saucepicious

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy is visiting his Grandpa for a weekend.

When the young boy arrives he is treated to a great barbeque dinner. Smoked ribs smothered in a homemade southern BBQ sauce, coleslaw, steak fries, and biscuits slathered in butter.

The next morning the boy comes down for a hearty breakfast of bacon, sausage, eggs, and fried potatoes. Before ...

What’s sneezing on your period like?

Smacking the bottom of an open ketchup bottle.

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.

His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once a man, knocked on a door and an old lady opened the door. Without a word the man went in took a lot of cow dung from his bag and threw on the carpet. "You see , I have a wonder vaccum cleaner with me here, if this doesn't work I'll eat every piece of that dung" he said.

"Do you want tomato ketchup with it ? " The lady asked. "Cause you see, we still don't have electricity in this house"

Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?

I'm often asked by people: "Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?"

So I tell them it's because Heinz sight is 20/20.

When your SO asks Daddy for ketchup at the family BBQ.

And you BOTH grab it at the same time.

I treat my wife the same way I treat a bottle of ketchup...

I always take the top off, flip it upside down, and hit it has hard as I can.

What's the world fastest fruit?

A tomato, nothing else can ketchup :)

I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.

Still can't get the last of that ketchup out though.

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.

It caused immense pain to ma toes.

What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?

A ketchup

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

Why does a Chicago-style hot dog always lose races?

Because it refuses to ketchup.

Four Turtles Are About To Have Lunch Near Their Home In The Forrest

Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michelangelo are getting set when they realise they forgot the ketchup.


They start arguing who should go and get it, and after a hassle three of them agreed that Michelangelo should go and get it.


Mickey says I'll get it only if you wait for me ...

Ketchup and rubber buns

DAD: "Ok, so after every question i ask you you must say ketchup and rubber buns".

KID: Gotcha.

DAD: what did you buy at the store?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What did you have for dinner?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What do you do when an ol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Convincing someone to have sex is a lot like getting ketchup out of a glass bottle.

It's a lot easier with a knife.

It's not a real hotdog without ketchup.

That's how my father describes menstruation.

What happens when you mix mustard and ketchup together?

it's must-up ..*rubs brow*

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato when they were out for a walk?

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato when they were out for a walk?

The father tomato looks back and sees his child way behind him, he runs back to him, stomps on him and yells "KETCHUP!"
Update:

it may be morbid, but that is the life cycle for these tomatos.

A man walks into the ER

And the doctor asks "whats the problem?".

The man replies "Well sir, I seem to have slipped and accidentally fell onto this ketchup bottle and its definitely stuck in there. Can you help?"

The doctor looks at the patient, twists the bottle and it pops rather quickly. The doctor stares...

I Like Women Who Squirt

Ketchup all over my french fries.

Company Heinz announces plans to produce PPE

There is still global shortages. They will be playing Ketchup.

If tomatoes are a fruit

Then ketchup is a smoothie.

Told by my 9 year old son. Thought it was funny. Maybe more of a shower thought.

My sister came in my room and said this

Ok, so say ketchup and liquor after each sentence ok?


What did you eat for breakfast?

ketchup and liquor


What did you eat for dinner?

ketchup and liquor


What do you do when a girl runs

...
Nice

My daughter was inspecting our seedlings this morning: "The tomato is catching up with the other plants! But I shouldn't be surprised..."

"Of course a tomato would ketchup."

She's only five and already a dad...

A vacuum salesman knocked on a newly built home

A lady opened the door. The salesman rushed into the home and threw rotten scrambled eggs, fries and hot dogs on the carpet floor. Before the lady said anything, the salesman said "Mam, the vacuum i have is the best in business. I'll vacuum every single thing and also ensure there is no odor. If i f...

It is really sad what is happening to the local businesses around our town.

The bra manufacturer has gone bust;
the specialist in submersibles has gone under;
the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation;
a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers;
the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded;
the Heinz factory has be...

There was a family of tomatoes

Daddy tomato, Mommy tomato and baby tomato.
Baby tomato was starting to lag behind.
Daddy tomato got angry, so he ran over, jumped on the baby and squished him. Then he said
"Ketchup"

What is a procrastinator's favorite condiment?

Ketchup

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

A man with chronic vision problems...

A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked an...

On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hotdog.

She walks to the nearest hotdog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst. He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it, and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the...

Acoustic guitar player was working a gig at an eatery

playing background music for the diners. As expected, he was ignored until surprisingly after one tune, he heard someone clapping vigorously. Of course, he looked around to acknowledge the person. That's when he spotted the guy pounding on the bottom of a bottle trying to get the ketchup out

I hit a tomato and ran.

The tomato started running after me but it couldn't ketchup.

Grandpa and Grandma are sitting on a bench in the park

they hear the jingle of the icecream salesman.

Grandma says : "I'd like some vanilla icecream."

Grandpa says: "Good idea, I'd also like some chocolate icecream".

Grandma stands up and says: "I'll go get some."

"You should write it, Grandma, you know your memory is not wha...

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