I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.

My girlfriend is like a bottle of ketchup

I always have to slap her on the bottom to get her to come

My wife told me to add ketchup to the shopping list before I went to the store

I don't know why since now I can't read what it says

Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?

Because the sauce ages

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

After eating fries covered in ketchup, I accidentally rubbed my eyes without washing my hands. Luckily, I'm able to see just fine.

You know what they say. Heinzsight is 20/20.

Why did the ketchup blush?

He saw the salad dressing.

Do you know why the ketchup industry is thriving in Germany this year?

Heinz' zeit is 2020

You know that sound when the ketchup bottle falls against the cabin you just closed?

That's the sound of someone else's problem.

I used to bathe in tomato ketchup

In heinz-site, it wasn't the best idea

I accidentally got ketchup in my eye.

Now I’ve got heinzsight.

What do you call a mix of ketchup and mustard?

The Spanish Inquisition

I was eating a hotdog the other day and when I took a bite ketchup squirted in my eye.

Now I have heinzsight

I shouldn't have poured all that ketchup into my eyes

It seems pretty obvious now that i have complete Heinz sight

To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.

In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair

My idiot friend thought ketchup didn’t exist

So I told him to check his sauces

Why was the ketchup feeling bad?

Because it had the squirts.

Courtesy of my 8 year old nephew

How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?

He mustard up the courage.

I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.

But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.

I once passed the chance to be CEO of a ketchup company

In Heinz-sight that was a mistake

Did you hear about the new brand of glasses coming out this year that are made entirely from recycled ketchup bottles?

Heinz-Sight 2020

After my friend poured ketchup in his eyes for a dare he exclaimed, “This was a terrible idea.”

Heinz sight is 20/20

My daughter was inspecting our seedlings this morning: "The tomato is catching up with the other plants! But I shouldn't be surprised..."

"Of course a tomato would ketchup."

She's only five and already a dad...

So as predicted the economic crisis has hit my local area and all attention has turned to the hardship caused to small business. Its been a simply disastrous start to the week.....

Our bra manufacturer has gone bust.

The specialist in submersibles has gone under.

A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.

The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.

The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn’t ketchup with orders.

A t...

I once put ketchup up my nose to emulate a bad nose bleed.

It was a bad idea in Heinz-sight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?

Nothing.

I stole a bottle of ketchup from the store.

In Heinz sight It was a bad idea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.



I can't read a fucking word now.

A vacuum salesman knocked on a newly built home

A lady opened the door. The salesman rushed into the home and threw rotten scrambled eggs, fries and hot dogs on the carpet floor. Before the lady said anything, the salesman said "Mam, the vacuum i have is the best in business. I'll vacuum every single thing and also ensure there is no odor. If i f...

When do you know you bought the wrong ketchup?

In heinzsight.

Did your sauce run away?

I guess you better ketchup to it.

Humans are like ketchup on a steak

People look at you funny when you eat them

I Like Women Who Squirt

Ketchup all over my french fries.

Company Heinz announces plans to produce PPE

There is still global shortages. They will be playing Ketchup.

So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard

'Twas saucepicious

If tomatoes are a fruit

Then ketchup is a smoothie.

Told by my 9 year old son. Thought it was funny. Maybe more of a shower thought.

Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?

I'm often asked by people: "Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?"

So I tell them it's because Heinz sight is 20/20.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

What did Momma Tomato say to Baby Tomato?

Why won't you ketchup?

I think I thought of this joke when my mom was walking too fast for me.

There was a family of tomatoes

Daddy tomato, Mommy tomato and baby tomato.
Baby tomato was starting to lag behind.
Daddy tomato got angry, so he ran over, jumped on the baby and squished him. Then he said
"Ketchup"

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've bot...

What's the world fastest fruit?

A tomato, nothing else can ketchup :)

Ketchup and rubber buns

DAD: "Ok, so after every question i ask you you must say ketchup and rubber buns".

KID: Gotcha.

DAD: what did you buy at the store?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What did you have for dinner?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What do you do when an ol...

I could see every bottle of ketchup in the restaurant.

Heinz sight is 20/20.

When your SO asks Daddy for ketchup at the family BBQ.

And you BOTH grab it at the same time.

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.

It caused immense pain to ma toes.

My sister came in my room and said this

Ok, so say ketchup and liquor after each sentence ok?


What did you eat for breakfast?

ketchup and liquor


What did you eat for dinner?

ketchup and liquor


What do you do when a girl runs

...
Nice

Acoustic guitar player was working a gig at an eatery

playing background music for the diners. As expected, he was ignored until surprisingly after one tune, he heard someone clapping vigorously. Of course, he looked around to acknowledge the person. That's when he spotted the guy pounding on the bottom of a bottle trying to get the ketchup out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Convincing someone to have sex is a lot like getting ketchup out of a glass bottle.

It's a lot easier with a knife.

It's not a real hotdog without ketchup.

That's how my father describes menstruation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

I treat my wife the same way I treat a bottle of ketchup...

I always take the top off, flip it upside down, and hit it has hard as I can.

Grandpa and Grandma are sitting on a bench in the park

they hear the jingle of the icecream salesman.

Grandma says : "I'd like some vanilla icecream."

Grandpa says: "Good idea, I'd also like some chocolate icecream".

Grandma stands up and says: "I'll go get some."

"You should write it, Grandma, you know your memory is not wha...

On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hotdog.

She walks to the nearest hotdog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst. He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it, and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the...

What is a procrastinator's favorite condiment?

Ketchup

What happens when you mix mustard and ketchup together?

it's must-up ..*rubs brow*

I hit a tomato and ran.

The tomato started running after me but it couldn't ketchup.

A man with chronic vision problems...

A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked an...

What’s Trumps second favourite food after steak and ketchup?

Pasta Putinesca

Two Tomatoes out jogging when one trips and falls....

T1 : “ Grab my Heinz and I’ll help you up!”
T2 : “ Nah, you go on ahead and I’ll Ketchup!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Restaurant in Hell

You die, and in hell, you are sat at a restaurant. A small group of glutton demons come out with your food. They bring out the most juicy, delicious looking steak you have either seen, a 2-inch cut, said to have come from the finest of cow in all the multiverse. On the side are roast potatoes, the p...

Master list of dad jokes

Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll “Let It Go”!

What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it

What do you get when a witch goes to the beach? A sand-witch!

Where do cows go on Friday ni...

3 tomatoes are walking down the street

Papa tomato, Mama tomato and Baby tomato. As the three of them walk, Papa tomato notices that Baby tomato can't keep up with the pace of his parents. So he turns around, walks over to him and says, "Ketchup."


From pulp fiction. Literally just saw the part in which this joke being told and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men with black eyes are sitting at a bar

One turns to the other and asks “how did you get your black eye?”

The other man replies “I need a ticket from Boston to Pittsburgh, and the cashier selling the tickets had large, firm breasts. I tried not to think about them when I ordered my ticket but when she asked me what I wanted I said ...

Very Funny Joke

Two tomato were passing the road. One got splattered by a car. COME ON KETCHUP the other one said.

Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY

I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.

I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.

When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of ...

Who won the race?

Who won the race? The lettuce, the tomato or the faucet?

The lettuce was a head, the faucet was still running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

Another bathroom joke

A little four-year-old boy is in the bathroom. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up.
“Matty, are you all right?” she says. “You’ve been in here for a while…”
Matty says, “I’m fine, Mommy… I just haven’t gone ‘doody’ yet.”
The little boy is sitting...

After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...

Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.

“Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup”

“No way! You’ll start without me”

“Don’t worry, we’ll wait for you”

“I don’t believe you”

“We promise not to start without you”

Reluctantly, Junior lea...

A staggering drunk knocks over a pregnant lady who is carrying a bag of groceries...

2 eggs and a bottle of ketchup fall and break to the sidewalk. The drunk say "Sorry lady, but it would have died anyway. Its eyes were too far apart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple who met on Tinder are out in the countryside riding their bikes...

The sun is shining, it's a warm day in early summer, and a couple who recently met on Tinder are riding their bicycles through the countryside. They are both attracted to each other, looking athletic in cycling gear, and getting a buzz out of the sexual tension, the sensation of speed, and the liber...

My uncle was in the navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier.

One day during inspection he had a ketchup stain on his shirt. This had the natural punishment of kitchen duty.

That night he reported and there was a big, fat, sweaty man in a wife beater making hamburger patties for dinner the next night. He'd pick up a handful of beef, put it into his arm...

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