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Ketchup Jokes

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.

The Ketchup shortage this year was so predictable.

But I guess Heinz sight is 2020

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes...

I now have Heinzsight.

I was writing the shopping list and my wife told me to tomato ketchup on it.

What a silly suggestion.. Can't read any of it now.

Went to a journalists house for dinner and he'd put stickers over his ketchup, mayo and tobasco bottles.

Apparently he likes to keep all his sauces anonymous.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

young lovers and the ketchup bottle

Janet asks her big brother, "My boyfriend wants a hand job, but I don't know what I'm doing. How do I do it?"

Janet's older brother says, "Just treat it like a ketchup bottle. You'll be fine."

Janet goes to her boyfriend and says, "I'm ready, I think I know what I'm doing"

And i...

I dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday....

It caused severe pain To-ma-toes.

Why did the ketchup blush?

He saw the salad dressing.

I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.

But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.

Vacuum Salesman

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door of the First house on the street.

A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman entered the living room, opened a big black plastic bag, and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam,...

If the tomato is technically a fruit

Does that mean ketchup is a smoothie?

Did you know that putting ketchup on your glasses makes you see better

It's because Heinz-sight is 20 20

How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?

He mustard up the courage.

A salesman was looking for a house to sell his vacuum cleaner in a new territory

He found the first house and knocked at it's door


A woman answered the knock but before she could say anything,the man rushed into the house and dumped a pile of garbage there


"Ma'am" the man said in his best salespitch "if this vacuum cleaner doesn't work wonders in cleaning u...

There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America

If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?

What do you call a mix of ketchup and mustard?

The Spanish Inquisition

To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.

In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair

Are you like ketchup

Rich and Thick

I was eating a hotdog the other day and when I took a bite ketchup squirted in my eye.

Now I have heinzsight

Why was the ketchup feeling bad?

Because it had the squirts.

Courtesy of my 8 year old nephew

What do you call a person who eats chocolate with ketchup?

An idiot. You call them an idiot.

Shortage of Heinz ketchup packets...

... now secretly caused by usage for hemorrhoids. The company will now market "A" Heinz for restaurants and "B" Heinz for hemorrhoids.

You know that sound when the ketchup bottle falls against the cabin you just closed?

That's the sound of someone else's problem.

Maybe more of a curse than a joke

I read some words from an anonomous author on the internet about 20 years ago. No context, just a single line that has haunted me ever since.

>!Nobody likes ketchup precum.!<

That's my gift to you. My guard is soon over. May these words forever live in your memory until you one d...

So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard

'Twas saucepicious

My girlfriend is like a bottle of ketchup

I always have to slap her on the bottom to get her to come

Humans are like ketchup on a steak

People look at you funny when you eat them

I used to bathe in tomato ketchup

In heinz-site, it wasn't the best idea

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hot dog. "Do you want ketchup and mustard on that?" the bartender asks. "Neither. I just want to relish it."

Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?

Because the sauce ages

My girlfriend is like ketchup.

I always bang her on the table.

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

I once passed the chance to be CEO of a ketchup company

In Heinz-sight that was a mistake

After my friend poured ketchup in his eyes for a dare he exclaimed, “This was a terrible idea.”

Heinz sight is 20/20

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?

Nothing.

When do you know you bought the wrong ketchup?

In heinzsight.

Ketchup and rubber buns

DAD: "Ok, so after every question i ask you you must say ketchup and rubber buns".

KID: Gotcha.

DAD: what did you buy at the store?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What did you have for dinner?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What do you do when an ol...

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.

His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every ten seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his r...

I used to think that putting ketchup on my glasses was a great way to clean them.

But in Heinz sight, I don't think that was such a good idea.

After eating fries covered in ketchup, I accidentally rubbed my eyes without washing my hands. Luckily, I'm able to see just fine.

You know what they say. Heinzsight is 20/20.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

Did you hear about the new brand of glasses coming out this year that are made entirely from recycled ketchup bottles?

Heinz-Sight 2020

Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?

I'm often asked by people: "Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?"

So I tell them it's because Heinz sight is 20/20.

Maybe I should have put more mustard on my cheeseburger

In Heinz sight, I should have added more ketchup

Why did the tomato lose the race?

He couldn’t ketchup in time.

When your SO asks Daddy for ketchup at the family BBQ.

And you BOTH grab it at the same time.

What did the journalist say when someone asked her for some ketchup?

"Sorry, I don't give up my sauces."

In retrospect, I should have known rubbing ketchup on my eyes would be useless.

Oh well, Heinz-sight is 20/20 I guess.

Do you know why the ketchup industry is thriving in Germany this year?

Heinz' zeit is 2020

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Salesman’s promise

A salesman knocked at the door and a woman answers. The salesman barges in and scatters fresh horseshit all around the living room floor and the carpet.
The woman is shocked and her kids are amused.

The salesman confidently says, “Do not worry. I am selling this brand new extra power vacu...

Three tomatoes are walking down the street

Three tomatoes are walking down the street,Papa tomato, Mama tomato and Baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind and Papa tomato gets really angry. Papa goes back and squishes him and says,

"KETCHUP"

Four Turtles Are About To Have Lunch Near Their Home In The Forrest

Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michelangelo are getting set when they realise they forgot the ketchup.


They start arguing who should go and get it, and after a hassle three of them agreed that Michelangelo should go and get it.


Mickey says I'll get it only if you wait for me ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Convincing someone to have sex is a lot like getting ketchup out of a glass bottle.

It's a lot easier with a knife.

What happens when you mix mustard and ketchup together?

it's must-up ..*rubs brow*

It's not a real hotdog without ketchup.

That's how my father describes menstruation.

I treat my wife the same way I treat a bottle of ketchup...

I always take the top off, flip it upside down, and hit it has hard as I can.

What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?

A ketchup

Three moles live in a hole together.

One day a pancake breakfast is set up around the mole hole. One of the three moles sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell syrup!"

The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell ketchup!"

The third mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but cannot ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

I was checking out at supermarket today when I noticed the man in front of me put only one thing on the conveyor belt...

A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact.

So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on the belt and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages"

Sometimes when my girlfriend is on her period, I'll push on her stomach

And I'll say: "who's my little ketchup packet?"

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