Why was the ketchup in the refrigerator embarrassed?

He saw the salad dressing! Thank you thank you..

I once put ketchup in my eyes

In Heinz-sight it was a bad idea

Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?

Because Heinzsight is 20/20.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard

'Twas saucepicious

You know that sound when the ketchup bottle falls against the cabin you just closed?

That's the sound of someone else's problem.

The bottle of ketchup slipped from my hands yesterday.

This event caused a huge pain to ma toes.

I put ketchup in my German friend's eye as a prank

In Heinz sight it probably wasn't a good idea.

My girlfriend is like a bottle of ketchup

I always have to slap her on the bottom to get her to come

What did the journalist say when someone asked her for some ketchup?

"Sorry, I don't give up my sauces."

Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?

I'm often asked by people: "Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?"

So I tell them it's because Heinz sight is 20/20.

I could see every bottle of ketchup in the restaurant.

Heinz sight is 20/20.

It's not a real hotdog without ketchup.

That's how my father describes menstruation.

I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.

But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.

Humans are like ketchup on a steak

People look at you funny when you eat them

Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY

I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.

I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.

When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Convincing someone to have sex is a lot like getting ketchup out of a glass bottle.

It's a lot easier with a knife.

When your SO asks Daddy for ketchup at the family BBQ.

And you BOTH grab it at the same time.

What happens when you mix mustard and ketchup together?

it's must-up ..*rubs brow*

I treat my wife the same way I treat a bottle of ketchup...

I always take the top off, flip it upside down, and hit it has hard as I can.

Ketchup and rubber buns

DAD: "Ok, so after every question i ask you you must say ketchup and rubber buns".

KID: Gotcha.

DAD: what did you buy at the store?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What did you have for dinner?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What do you do when an ol...

What do you call a drawing of Ketchup?

Sketchup

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Restaurant in Hell

You die, and in hell, you are sat at a restaurant. A small group of glutton demons come out with your food. They bring out the most juicy, delicious looking steak you have either seen, a 2-inch cut, said to have come from the finest of cow in all the multiverse. On the side are roast potatoes, the p...

What did Donald Trump get on his SATs?

Ketchup

A staggering drunk knocks over a pregnant lady who is carrying a bag of groceries...

2 eggs and a bottle of ketchup fall and break to the sidewalk. The drunk say "Sorry lady, but it would have died anyway. Its eyes were too far apart.

A man with chronic vision problems...

A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked an...

My sister came in my room and said this

Ok, so say ketchup and liquor after each sentence ok?


What did you eat for breakfast?

ketchup and liquor


What did you eat for dinner?

ketchup and liquor


What do you do when a girl runs

...
Nice

Why did the green tomato lose the race

It couldn't ketchup

Another bathroom joke

A little four-year-old boy is in the bathroom. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up.
“Matty, are you all right?” she says. “You’ve been in here for a while…”
Matty says, “I’m fine, Mommy… I just haven’t gone ‘doody’ yet.”
The little boy is sitting...

A race between tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet

Tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet were having a race. The lettuce was a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...

Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.

“Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup”

“No way! You’ll start without me”

“Don’t worry, we’ll wait for you”

“I don’t believe you”

“We promise not to start without you”

Reluctantly, Junior lea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump has become the ruler of the whole world, and it's his birthday.

He demands that the ambassador of every country bring him something famous from their homeland to please him on such a glorious day.

First comes the ambassador of Germany. Along with him, he's brought the keys to a new concept car built by both BMW and Mercedes. It's the only one in productio...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men with black eyes are sitting at a bar

One turns to the other and asks “how did you get your black eye?”

The other man replies “I need a ticket from Boston to Pittsburgh, and the cashier selling the tickets had large, firm breasts. I tried not to think about them when I ordered my ticket but when she asked me what I wanted I said ...

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Ketchup.

Ketchup who?

Ketchup to me and I’ll tell you.

Master list of dad jokes

Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll “Let It Go”!

What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it

What do you get when a witch goes to the beach? A sand-witch!

Where do cows go on Friday ni...

What do french fries do when they met after a long time?

They ketchup

A young man walks into a bar

And sees a horse.

Young man: 'Why the long face?'

Horse: 'Women. The ones I like anyways.

Young man: 'Why? What's the problem? What kind of women do you like?'

Horse: 'I like my women like I like my coffee.'

Young Man: 'Ground up and in the freezer?'

Horse: ...

Three tomatoes are walking down the street

Papa tomato, Mama tomato and Baby Tomato.

Baby tomato starts lagging behind and Papa tomato gets really angry. He goes back and squishes him and says,

Ketchup

Why do they call it Heinz field?

Because the Steelers can’t seem to ketchup.

I was checking out at Tesco...

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've bot...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple who met on Tinder are out in the countryside riding their bikes...

The sun is shining, it's a warm day in early summer, and a couple who recently met on Tinder are riding their bicycles through the countryside. They are both attracted to each other, looking athletic in cycling gear, and getting a buzz out of the sexual tension, the sensation of speed, and the liber...

why aren't hotdog ads allowed in nascar?

because no-one else would be able to ketchup

Funny Comeback

I go into McDonald's and there is this fat girl making fun of this mentally disabled kid*

Me: you know, that could happen to any of us. You don't belong making fun of someone like that, what's wrong with you?

Girl: god gave me a mouth to speak and I'm going to use it

Me: well go...

A man with vision problems...

A man and his family have had a long history of problems with their eyesight, most remedied by prescription glasses. He's in his forties now when he starts to lose the overall quality of his vision and starts going to various doctors.

He gets prescribed a pair of prescription glasses and to n...

My uncle was in the navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier.

One day during inspection he had a ketchup stain on his shirt. This had the natural punishment of kitchen duty.

That night he reported and there was a big, fat, sweaty man in a wife beater making hamburger patties for dinner the next night. He'd pick up a handful of beef, put it into his arm...

What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher?

Would you like ketchup with your chips?

I saw the clearest evidence in not supporting trump in the paper today

He eats his steak well done. With ketchup.

Apparently the Titanic had a lot of condiments on board

The ketchup and mustard werr carried off on the life rafts and people ate it while they were waiting for help. But one condiment was left behind... it was discovered slightly less than a month later at the bottom of the sea. Mexico suffered greatly from the loss and decided to commemorate the day ev...

There was a runner...

He was the fastest man in the world, and promised to all the chefs in the world that if they could bring him his favorite kind of hot dog while he was on his daily jog, then he would give them free running lessons.

Hundreds of chefs attempted to give him the best recipe after catching him, ye...

I thought i ran away from the Tomatoes

I really didn't think they would ketchup.

I could never get ahead at the Heinz corporation

It's been a never-ending game of ketchup

Jokes for 6 year olds?

I am looking for some jokes for kids (6-8) year olds.

For example:

* Two tomatoes are walking across the road when a car drives over one of them. The other turns around and says "Hurry up ketchup!"

* Two raindrops were falling from the sky, busy talking together whe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dads joke from maaany years ago =) I still love it!

A family of tomatoes are walking down the street.
There's a papa tomato, mama tomato and baby tomato.
Baby tomato ends up falling behind so much that papa tomato gets pissed.
He rushes back stomps on him and says...KETCHUP!

Why did the chip chase the sauce?

To ketchup

How do you eat the Flesh Hounds?

WH40K Humor: I don't know about you, but I prefer my Khorne Dogs with ketchup.

Well this should spice things up.

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Tomatoes grow so fast.

Other plants can't even ketchup.