UPJOKE
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Ketchup Jokes

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read any of it.
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I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.
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The Ketchup shortage this year was so predictable.

But I guess Heinz sight is 2020
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Why was the ketchup feeling bad?

Because it had the squirts.

Courtesy of my 8 year old nephew
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes...

I now have Heinzsight.
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Why did the ketchup blush?

He saw the salad dressing.
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I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.

But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
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Did you hear the Supreme Court just struck down a law declaring ketchup to be the best condiment?

They say it doesn’t pass mustard.
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I dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday....

It caused severe pain To-ma-toes.
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What do you call a mix of ketchup and mustard?

The Spanish Inquisition
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

young lovers and the ketchup bottle

Janet asks her big brother, "My boyfriend wants a hand job, but I don't know what I'm doing. How do I do it?"

Janet's older brother says, "Just treat it like a ketchup bottle. You'll be fine."

Janet goes to her boyfriend and says, "I'm ready, I think I know what I'm doing"

And i...

How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?

He mustard up the courage.
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There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America

If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?
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Humans are like ketchup on a steak

People look at you funny when you eat them
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My wife told me to add ketchup to the shopping list before I went to the store

I don't know why since now I can't read what it says
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Went to a journalists house for dinner and he'd put stickers over his ketchup, mayo and tobasco bottles.

Apparently he likes to keep all his sauces anonymous.
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My girlfriend is like a bottle of ketchup

I always have to slap her on the bottom to get her to come
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Ketchup and rubber buns

DAD: "Ok, so after every question i ask you you must say ketchup and rubber buns".

KID: Gotcha.

DAD: what did you buy at the store?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What did you have for dinner?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What do you do when an ol...
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Shortage of Heinz ketchup packets...

... now secretly caused by usage for hemorrhoids. The company will now market "A" Heinz for restaurants and "B" Heinz for hemorrhoids.
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I used to bathe in tomato ketchup

In heinz-site, it wasn't the best idea
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I stole a bottle of ketchup from the store.

In Heinz sight It was a bad idea
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Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?

Because the sauce ages
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Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY

I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.

I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.

When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of ...
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What do you call a person who eats chocolate with ketchup?

An idiot. You call them an idiot.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

My girlfriend is like ketchup.

I always bang her on the table.
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Why did the mummy tomato say 'ketchup' to the baby tomato?

Because it kept lagging behind so the mummy tomato went back and squished it, and 'ketchup' is partially made from squished tomatoes and sounds kind of like 'catch up', which would have been an appropriate thing for an anthromorphic tomato to say, given the situation.
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So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard

'Twas saucepicious
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Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?

I'm often asked by people: "Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?"

So I tell them it's because Heinz sight is 20/20.
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I shouldn't have poured all that ketchup into my eyes

It seems pretty obvious now that i have complete Heinz sight
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When do you know you bought the wrong ketchup?

In heinzsight.
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To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.

In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair
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What did the journalist say when someone asked her for some ketchup?

"Sorry, I don't give up my sauces."
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Maybe more of a curse than a joke

I read some words from an anonomous author on the internet about 20 years ago. No context, just a single line that has haunted me ever since.

>!Nobody likes ketchup precum.!<

That's my gift to you. My guard is soon over. May these words forever live in your memory until you one d...
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Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20
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I once passed the chance to be CEO of a ketchup company

In Heinz-sight that was a mistake
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What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?

Nothing.
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You know that sound when the ketchup bottle falls against the cabin you just closed?

That's the sound of someone else's problem.
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When your SO asks Daddy for ketchup at the family BBQ.

And you BOTH grab it at the same time.
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If the tomato is technically a fruit

Does that mean ketchup is a smoothie?
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Vacuum Salesman

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door of the First house on the street.

A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman entered the living room, opened a big black plastic bag, and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam,...
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My sister came in my room and said this

Ok, so say ketchup and liquor after each sentence ok?


What did you eat for breakfast?

ketchup and liquor


What did you eat for dinner?

ketchup and liquor


What do you do when a girl runs

...
Nice
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Yo mama’s so stupid...

She cried onto a ketchup packet because it said “tear here.”
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Do you know why the ketchup industry is thriving in Germany this year?

Heinz' zeit is 2020
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It's not a real hotdog without ketchup.

That's how my father describes menstruation.
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Getting laid for me is like getting ketchup out of a bottle

easy if i have a knife
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Why did the tomato lose the race?

He couldn’t ketchup in time.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hot dog. "Do you want ketchup and mustard on that?" the bartender asks. "Neither. I just want to relish it."
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Four Turtles Are About To Have Lunch Near Their Home In The Forrest

Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michelangelo are getting set when they realise they forgot the ketchup.


They start arguing who should go and get it, and after a hassle three of them agreed that Michelangelo should go and get it.


Mickey says I'll get it only if you wait for me ...
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A salesman was looking for a house to sell his vacuum cleaner in a new territory

He found the first house and knocked at it's door


A woman answered the knock but before she could say anything,the man rushed into the house and dumped a pile of garbage there


"Ma'am" the man said in his best salespitch "if this vacuum cleaner doesn't work wonders in cleaning u...
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Three tomatoes are walking down the street

Three tomatoes are walking down the street,Papa tomato, Mama tomato and Baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind and Papa tomato gets really angry. Papa goes back and squishes him and says,

"KETCHUP"
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In retrospect, I should have known rubbing ketchup on my eyes would be useless.

Oh well, Heinz-sight is 20/20 I guess.
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After my friend poured ketchup in his eyes for a dare he exclaimed, “This was a terrible idea.”

Heinz sight is 20/20
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What happens when you mix mustard and ketchup together?

it's must-up ..*rubs brow*
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What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?

A ketchup
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Maybe I should have put more mustard on my cheeseburger

In Heinz sight, I should have added more ketchup
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A funny story written by some of my Chinese students, 10/11 years old. i hope it makes you laugh

The Foolish Farmer


 
A long time ago, there was a farmer who had never been to the city before. One day, he went to the supermarket in the city. He saw a rubber that was like a small car. He asked the seller, “Why is this car so small?”
 


The seller replied, “ Its not a c...
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I used to think that putting ketchup on my glasses was a great way to clean them.

But in Heinz sight, I don't think that was such a good idea.
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Did you hear about the new brand of glasses coming out this year that are made entirely from recycled ketchup bottles?

Heinz-Sight 2020
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I treat my wife the same way I treat a bottle of ketchup...

I always take the top off, flip it upside down, and hit it has hard as I can.
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I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.

Still can't get the last of that ketchup out though.
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I was checking out at supermarket today when I noticed the man in front of me put only one thing on the conveyor belt...

A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact.

So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on the belt and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages"
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After eating fries covered in ketchup, I accidentally rubbed my eyes without washing my hands. Luckily, I'm able to see just fine.

You know what they say. Heinzsight is 20/20.
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Sometimes when my girlfriend is on her period, I'll push on her stomach

And I'll say: "who's my little ketchup packet?"
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Convincing someone to have sex is a lot like getting ketchup out of a glass bottle.

It's a lot easier with a knife.

Why does BBQ sauce always win the race?

Because the other competitors are always plain Ketchup!
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What’s sneezing on your period like?

Smacking the bottom of an open ketchup bottle.
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