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Nan Jokes

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My nan caught me having a wank when I was 15 and had a stroke

She has such soft hands...

My nan's got dementia the poor sod, all she does is stand there looking through the window

Maybe one day, i'll let her in

naive young nan.

A very naive young man is going out with a more experienced woman, after three dates, all he has done is kiss her, finally, she says to him, “do you want to see my other mouth”?

He says, “you have got another mouth?”

She says, “yes, want to see it?”

He says, “OK”

So, sh...

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I told my nan a joke today.

It wasn’t funny,

but she still pissed herself.

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

Visiting Nan's for Halloween

Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.

My nan was beaten to death by my grandad

It was by about 2yrs

A nan had every lamp light and candle robbed from his house

I guess you could say he was delighted.

I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."

It was my complimentary nan

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My grandad is addicted to viagra.

No ones taking it harder than my nan

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Granddad and Grandson out walking in the snow.

Granddad: God it's fucking cold out here today.

Grandson: Tell me something I don't know Granddad.

Granddad: Your Nan used to like it up the shitter.!

Little Johnny wanted to send a text to his nan

Mom gave him her phone and told him to write a beautifull text, Nan would appreciate it.

After a little time she checked up on him and looked at what he was typing.

It was a nice and thoughtfull text, but it was in all-caps.

Mom asked little Johnny why he wrote in all-caps and h...

If an Indian programmer has no bread and his computations don't even give #NAN

that's double trouble.

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My nan's cat died last week, and I wanted to do something a bit special for her to remember him by.

So I called up a local taxidermist.
"How much to have my nan's cat stuffed and on a wooden plinth, pouncing on a terrified mouse?" I asked.
"About £1,500," came the reply.
"FFFFifteen **hundred** quid?! That's a bit steep, how about curled up like he's sleeping peacefully?"
"Abou...

I got Indian food with a friend and paid for all the bread

It was a nan issue.

My nan was doing a jigsaw puzzle of a chicken but she said the pieces weren't right.

I said, "Nan, it's a box of Cornflakes!"

What is the difference between my Nan and Morgz?

My nan used to be cancerous, but Morgz still is.

My Nan just got this cool senior citizen scooter

And man is that thing fast. It can do 30 aisles per hour!

My Nan has just been on the phone to say she's not returning from Australia because of all the ungrateful, useless kids back at home.

Boomer-rang doesnt come back

"My wife's Nan had the Pfizer vaccine...

"She is absolutely fine except every now and then she keeps saying 'This copy of Windows 10 is not genuine' "

As a family we couldn't decide whether to have my nan buried or cremated...

So in the end we let her live.

My Nan died this morning.

I rung my best friend and told him

*" I can't believe it"* I said. *"I always thought she would live to be 100"*


*"Were you close?"* he asked


*"Well"* I replied, *"She was 97, so only 3 years out"*

I bought my Nan a stair lift and she told me she hates it.

It’s been driving her up the wall

My mate with a stutter was telling us a story about his nan.

By the end, we were all singing Hey Jude.

Sandcastles

One of my fondest memories are building sandcastles with my grandpa, but then my nan took the urn away.

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What did the Japanese chemistry teacher say when he mixed sodium and nitrogen?

NaNi???

Just goes to show, you're never to old to try new things.

My nan starting running when she was 65, she's 71 now and we've no idea where she is.

My nan has been diagnosed with a hereditary brain disorder.

The main symptoms are forgetting what you were talking about, repeating yourself, repeating yourself, and a quarter pounder with cheese.

My grandma started sharing her recipes on TikTok

Now she’s on OnlyNans

Toilet brush

Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it’s a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...

So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let’s call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind ...

A word of warning if you are thinking of getting a rescue cat.

My nan had a rescue cat. The other day she slipped and fell over.

The so called "rescue" cat just sat there and did nothing !

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I called work and said I am sick

My boss said “How sick are you?”

I replied “ I am balls deep in my dead nan”

My gran fell asleep last night while she was eating piri piri chicken

She had a cheeky nan dose

I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died.

"What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

Went shopping this afternoon.

Good deed done today.
This afternoon at the Morrisons check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change and she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone’s Nan and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Na...

A clean Nantucket limerick

There once was a man from Nantucket

Who kept all his cash in a bucket

His daughter, named Nan,

Ran away with a man

And as for the bucket, Nan tuck it

After my mother’s funeral, we all went for lunch at an Indian restaurant. When the waiter came to check that we had everything on our order he noticed my daughter crying.

He asked me what was wrong, I told him she was just missing her nan.

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I walked into my grandparents house

and caught my grandad shagging a young blonde woman on the sofa. "Grandad," I said, "You promised me that you'd spend your retirement money on the surgery that you desperately needed."

"I did," he replied, "Doesn't your nan look great!?"

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar with an iguana under his arm. The bartender says what can I get you. The man orders scotch and a beer. Upon noticing the man's drinks getting low the bartender approaches him and just gad to ask what's with the Iguana. The nan says this thing gives the best b.j's.
The bart...

When you gas an old people's home .....

Silence of the nans

So my Nan goes down to the local game store...

I'm a big fan of the Halo series, so for Christmas, I asked my Nan to buy me a Halo model from the local game shop. So she goes down to the shop and is greeted by a very nice man at the store who asks her what she wants to buy. She sends me a text asking me what I wanted.

I send a text back s...

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In hard times, a young woman becomes a prostitute...

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.

One cold evening, the brothel that the prostitute works in is raided by police. All sex workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.

As luck would have it, ...

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A man, a pub and a dare

A man goes to a pub for a drink and spies on the counter a glass jar filled with $50 notes.
"bartender, what's this then" the man asks while pointing to his favourite ale on tap.
"oh, that's for the local dare we got set up, put in $50, you do three things and you get the whole jar. First yo...

A rather long winded joke, read all of it to get the punchline...

Right, so there was this guy that lost his eye in a car accident, and after losing it he hadn't been out of his house much, aside from having to go shopping, because he was so embarrassed. One day his friends come over to his house, and they say "look man, you've got to come to the dance next week, ...

A travelling salesman passes a field and sees a pig with 3 legs

A travelling salesman passes a field and sees a pig with 3 legs. Intrigued, he pulls up to the farm house and asks the farmer, "What's up with that 3-legged pig?"

The farmer gets all misty-eyed and says, "Let me tell you 'bout that pig. A few years ago, we were all asleep when a fire broke ...

Who stole the heart of Massachusetts?

Nan took it. (Nantucket). Joke written by my 11 year old son.

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