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My nan caught me having a wank when I was 15 and had a stroke

She has such soft hands...

My nan's got dementia the poor sod, all she does is stand there looking through the window

Maybe one day, i'll let her in

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My Nan hates her new stair lift!

It drives her up the fucking wall!

My nan was beaten to death by my grandad

It was by about 2yrs

My Nan just got this cool senior citizen scooter

And man is that thing fast. It can do 30 aisles per hour!

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

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What did the Japanese chemistry teacher say when he mixed sodium and nitrogen?


My Nan used to say “Take everything with a pinch of salt”.

Lovely lady, made terrible cook though...

A word of warning if you are thinking of getting a rescue cat.

My nan had a rescue cat. The other day she slipped and fell over.

The so called "rescue" cat just sat there and did nothing !

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My nan's cat died last week, and I wanted to do something a bit special for her to remember him by.

So I called up a local taxidermist.
"How much to have my nan's cat stuffed and on a wooden plinth, pouncing on a terrified mouse?" I asked.
"About £1,500," came the reply.
"FFFFifteen **hundred** quid?! That's a bit steep, how about curled up like he's sleeping peacefully?"

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I told my nan a joke today.

It wasn’t funny,

but she still pissed herself.

I put my Nan on speed dial

I call it Instagran.

What is the difference between my Nan and Morgz?

My nan used to be cancerous, but Morgz still is.

My mate with a stutter was telling us a story about his nan.

By the end, we were all singing Hey Jude.

I went to the graveyard to visit my nan but i wasnt allowed in

Turns out its RIP only

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar with an iguana under his arm. The bartender says what can I get you. The man orders scotch and a beer. Upon noticing the man's drinks getting low the bartender approaches him and just gad to ask what's with the Iguana. The nan says this thing gives the best b.j's.
The bart...

I just got back from a shift at Tesco’s..

And while I was working a nice old lady came to my til. I scanned through all her items and it came to £56.83, but after counting up all her change she had just shy of £40.

So I offered to help her, to which she refused but I eagerly insisted. I thought this is probably someone’s Nan, and I’...

My Nan died this morning.

I rung my best friend and told him

*" I can't believe it"* I said. *"I always thought she would live to be 100"*

*"Were you close?"* he asked

*"Well"* I replied, *"She was 97, so only 3 years out"*

Toilet brush

Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it’s a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...

So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let’s call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind ...

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Granddad and Grandson out walking in the snow.

Granddad: God it's fucking cold out here today.

Grandson: Tell me something I don't know Granddad.

Granddad: Your Nan used to like it up the shitter.!

When you gas an old people's home .....

Silence of the nans

My Nan has just been on the phone to say she's not returning from Australia because of all the ungrateful, useless kids back at home.

Boomer-rang doesnt come back

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I walked into my grandparents house

and caught my grandad shagging a young blonde woman on the sofa. "Grandad," I said, "You promised me that you'd spend your retirement money on the surgery that you desperately needed."

"I did," he replied, "Doesn't your nan look great!?"

After my mother’s funeral, we all went for lunch at an Indian restaurant. When the waiter came to check that we had everything on our order he noticed my daughter crying.

He asked me what was wrong, I told him she was just missing her nan.

Just goes to show, you're never to old to try new things.

My nan starting running when she was 65, she's 71 now and we've no idea where she is.

I was walking around the hospital...

I was walking around the hospital yesterday looking to visit my Nan. When I got to the correct area in the hospital I saw a sign saying “Stroke Patients Here”.
I never did get to visit my Nan, thanks to hospital security.

A clean Nantucket limerick

There once was a man from Nantucket

Who kept all his cash in a bucket

His daughter, named Nan,

Ran away with a man

And as for the bucket, Nan tuck it

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A little boy goes into the kitchen

And says to his mother, "Nan's got a prawn in the front room".

Confused, his mother pokes her head around the door to find the grandmother asleep, legs fallen wide with no underwear on.

She turns around to the boy and says, "Oh honey, that's not a prawn, that's called a clitoris" ...

I got Indian food with a friend and paid for all the bread

It was a nan issue.

I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died.

"What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

A travelling salesman passes a field and sees a pig with 3 legs

A travelling salesman passes a field and sees a pig with 3 legs. Intrigued, he pulls up to the farm house and asks the farmer, "What's up with that 3-legged pig?"

The farmer gets all misty-eyed and says, "Let me tell you 'bout that pig. A few years ago, we were all asleep when a fire broke ...

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I called work and said I am sick

My boss said “How sick are you?”

I replied “ I am balls deep in my dead nan”

My gran fell asleep last night while she was eating piri piri chicken

She had a cheeky nan dose

My nan has been diagnosed with a hereditary brain disorder.

The main symptoms are forgetting what you were talking about, repeating yourself, repeating yourself, and a quarter pounder with cheese.

Who stole the heart of Massachusetts?

Nan took it. (Nantucket). Joke written by my 11 year old son.

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In hard times, a young woman becomes a prostitute...

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.

One cold evening, the brothel that the prostitute works in is raided by police. All sex workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.

As luck would have it, ...

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A man, a pub and a dare

A man goes to a pub for a drink and spies on the counter a glass jar filled with $50 notes.
"bartender, what's this then" the man asks while pointing to his favourite ale on tap.
"oh, that's for the local dare we got set up, put in $50, you do three things and you get the whole jar. First yo...

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