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Mum Jokes

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A dyslexic son asked his mum if he can have some McDonald’s for dinner.

He’s mum said ok, but only if he can spell out McDonald’s.
The son replied: Fuck it, I’ll just have some KCF!

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kid: "Mum, what's an orgasm?"

Mum: "I dunno, ask your Dad...."

Your mum is so slow

It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke

I asked my mum "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

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Just heard Dad tell this joke to Mum.

Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum...

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downs...

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died this week. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.

Sincerely,

William, Prince of Wales

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked.

"No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred ha...

My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a massive crab

My mum had an argument with me last night.

She told me to stop tickling my little brothers feet.

Her exact words were... "Stop it, wait until he's born"

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks

my mum just started a dating site for chickens

She'd do anything to make hens meet

My friends mum died

My friends mum died cuz we couldn't remember her blood group. On her death bed she kept saying "Be positive", Life is hard without her

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A 3-year-old is watching his mum get changed...

As she drops her knickers, he points at her crotch and asks: "Mum, what is that?!"

Panicking, the mother quips "Oh, that's... that's where god hit me with an axe..."

"Phwoar" Says the boy... "Right in the cunt!"

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

A child asks his mum:

Child: Mum, what's a dark joke?

Mum: You see that guy with no arms? Go and ask him to clap.

Child: But mum I'm blind!

Mum: Exactly.

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

My mum got really annoyed when I tried to tickle my little sister's feet...

she said something about 'waiting till she was born'.

I just came across an old photo of my wife's mum

She hasn't spoken to me since

Johnny: Mum, Dad I got detention for foul language today

Mum: Oh Johnny... what swear word did you say?

Johnny: I didn't swear! All I did was speak French!

Dad: Yes, but that is indeed a foul language

Your mum is so fat

Before she was buried the earth was a disc.

What did the Indian kid say to his parents when he left for school

Mum bai

My Mum and Dad make me have a bath in Australian lager.

Their my foster parents.

A 7 year old kid happily asks him mum

Kid: Mummy, why am I getting my Christmas present on 18th August?

Mum: Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy, son.

A little girl asks her mum: “Mummy, why do we never visit grandma?”

“Oh darling, you don’t remember? She fell of the balcony…”
“And where is she now?”
“Well… she went to heaven”
The little girl thinks about it for a moment…
“Wow, that’s a big bounce”

A little boy goes up to his pregnant mum, points at her fat belly and says, what’s that?

She says… (a bit startled…) erm… that’s a baby your daddy gave me that…

So the little boy walks off to find his dad with a confused look on his face…

“daddy did you give mummy a baby ?”

“yeh I did son, that’s right why do you ask…?”

“well don’t give her another, she ate ...

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A mum and son are driving on a highway and out of no where,

A red rubbery dildo comes flying , hits the windshield and goes away, so the mum trying to save the boy's innocence says, 'wow that was a huge bug' , and the boy says "Dang! How does it fly with a cock that big!"

Son: why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram

Son: Thanks dad

Dad: No problem Alan

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say "No", they only want to look at your knickers."

Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

A kid comes running to their mum, crying...

...mum asks why.
Kid: "Daddy hit his thumb with a hammer!"
Mum: "That is unfortunate, but no reason for you to cry"
Kid: "Yes, I laughed, at first"

I remember when my mum would tuck me in.

She really wanted a daughter.

Girl talking to her mum.

Girl: Mum, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the girls that haven't got any.

Mum: Oh and what girls are we talking about?

Girl: Oh you know the ones..

Mum: No I don't understand.

Girl: The ones on daddy's computer.

Youbg boy tells mum "I saw daddy..."

"....in the nearby park, he was parked and with a woman, I went up to the car as the windows were steamed up, I saw they were busy and they were naked and he was doing press ups like we do at school, but he was on top of the naked woman "

Mum is super mad, she quizzes the boy and with growing...

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A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"

She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.

He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.

He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"
...

An innocent joke to cheer you up...

Lulu, a little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take Daisy (a dog) for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies "No, because she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked Lulu.

"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

Lulu goes out to the garage and says,
"Dad,...

Teacher asks Johnny, "What's Wrong?"

Johnny :- Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny, are you asleep?'

I say No & he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye

Teacher:- Tonight, when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.

The fol...

- “Mum, mum!”

- “Yes, Katie, what’s going on?”
- “Can an 8 year old girl become pregnant?”
- “No. Of course not”
- “Hooray!!”

I was tickling my little sister's feet when mum wakes up and starts giving me a right earful.

Something about "Waiting until she's born".

My mum made me some cakes using molasses.

Apparently it’s the tastiest part of a mole

white haired mum

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?...

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I accidentally called out my mums name during sex

and my sister hasn't talked to me since.

Russian POW calls home: 'Mum, I've been captured'.

Mum: 'Where are you?'
POW: 'Ukraine.'
Mum: 'Can you get us a Big Mac?'

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

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A kid goes to the shops with his mum...

A kid goes to the shops with his mum.  He has always wondered about the female anatomy,  so he peers under the skirt of a mannequin. But unfortunately,  his mum sees him doing it.  


Whack! She smacks him over the head.  


"What are you doing,  you dirty little boy? There's nothi...

My mum is an anti vaxxer...

Calls herself Mrs DoubtPfizer

My mum always said that you shouldn't go to sleep in a bad mood.

Which is why I always go to sleep in a bed.

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An Irish Daughter...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad.....

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

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Three muscular brothers are sitting at a table in a bar

A drunk old man is sitting at the bar counter and drinking beer.

After he finishes his drink, he approaches the youngest brother and says,

"I fucked ya mum"

The young brother is disgusted at the old man's words, but silently looks at the floor as the old man heads back to the co...

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My girlfriend is a pornstar

She will kill me if she finds out.

A boy in bath with his mum

A boy in bath with his mum asks "What's that hairy thing?

Mum says:"That's my sponge.

The boy says: "Oh yeah, babysitters got one too. I have seen her washing Dads face with it."

Jimmy was watching his mum put on face cream. "What's that for?" he asked.

"It's to make me look beautiful," she told him.

After a couple of minutes she started to wipe it off.

"Oh," said Jimmy, "Giving up already?"

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My ex girlfriend Sandra's mum came steaming up to me in the supermarket earlier, with a six-pint bottle of milk in her hand..

She ripped the lid off and poured the lot over my head.

"THAT.." she yelled, "Is from our Sandra."

"Oh don't talk like a cunt." I replied. "That could be from any cow."

A little girl asks her mum

A little girl asks her mum "mummy, how was I born" Her mother smiled and replied "once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful tiny seed. Your daddy planted it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed germinated and grew tall with many leaves unti...

I came across my mum and dad's love letters today

I tried to wipe it off, but they're ruined.

Little Johnny asks his mum…

“Mum, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time in a faraway land’?”

“No darling,” says his mother, somewhat distressed.“
“Sometimes, they can begin with ‘I’ve got too much work in the office tonight, I’ll come home late.”

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When I was a kid my mum walked in on me masturbating

A little later she had send my dad up to talk to me about it.

"So your mum told me you were, you know... Touching yourself down there - and, ergh... Don't do that son, it'll male your eyes go bad"

I said: "I'm over here dad"

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A pregnant woman was shot 3 times in the stomach.

She survived, luckily enough, and so were her unborn children. Triplets, she found out soon enough. Two girls and a boy.

They were born with absolutely no problems, healthy babies and unaffected by the trauma.

Fast forward 13 years, she's sitting in her kitchen, enjoying a cup of coff...

Mum's complaining about the cost to pump up her tyres at the garage

Well, that's inflation for you

Little Johnny is out with his mum at the shops

Little Johnny is out with his mum at the shops when he sees a bald man. He asks, "Mum, why doesn't that man have any hair on his head?"

His mum looks up and sees the classic male-pattern baldness afflicting the man. She replies, "His hormones most likely."

Little Johnny asks, "Can't he...

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“Mum I’m going out now”

“Mum I’m going out now”

Mum: “you’re not going anywhere until you’ve changed out of that miniskirt!”

“Why not?!”

Mum: “Because I can see your balls Richard!”

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I sat my son down for the sex talk.

I said, "Son, what are you supposed to do before you have sex?"

He said, "Trim your pubes."

I said, "No. Something else."

He said, "Clean your penis?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Jesus! No wonder mum never has sex with you."

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Mum, father hanged himself!

A little boy runs to his mum crying: "Mum, Mum", he screams, "Father hanged himself!"
"Where is he hanging?", his mum asks.
"In the attic!", the boy says.
So the mum and her son go to the attic but nobody's there.
"But he isn't there", says the mum in relief.
Then her son says: "April...

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My mum asked, "Are you homophobic?"

I said, "No I'm not afraid of my house."

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A little boy with diarrhea tells his mum he needs Viagra

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mum he needs Viagra. The mom asks, "why on earth do you need that?".

The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?"

My Mum introduced me to minimalism.

It's the least she could do.

A student got home from school and his mum asked him how the test went.

He said it was easy but one question held him up. The mother asked what the question was.
" They asked what the past tense of think was" the boy answered. "So what did you write?" the mother asked.

"I thought and thought and thought until I finally wrote thinked"! The boy replied.

Last Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."

I haven't worn it yet.

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Little Timmy was annoyed by his father

because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.

And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.

Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ev...

Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...

"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"

"I did Teacher"

"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"

"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."

"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to ...

Gandhi's Mum: How much do you Love me?

Gandhi: From the bottom of Mahatma

"Mum, mum! I came first in class today!"

"Well done!! What was it?"

"Soggy biscuit"

"Oh, what's that... and what's wrong with your brother?"

"He came last".

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

A son says to his mum "When i get older i want to be shot into space" His mum says..

"If your father had done what he was told, you would have been"....

Bought a new car and showed it to my mum.

I said, "have a look at my karma"

When I was a child my mum always used to bathe me in cheap Australian beer.

It wasn't till I was 18 that I realized I'd been Fostered....

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A young boy's mum gives him their last possession: a duck

She tells him "Don't you dare come back til you've gotten a good price for that duck."

Off he goes to the market. On the way there, he's stopped by a prostitute. She propositions him and he's unable to resist.

"But, ma'am, I've only got a duck."

"How much it worth?"

"My m...

I always felt proud when my mum told people that of all her kids, I was her easiest pregnancy and birth.

Then I turned 21 and found out that I was adopted.

My mum said that if I don't get off Reddit now, she'll slam my head into the keyboard.

She wohdjdbwjqoksmdhdjdjdnksskpwldlk

A women calls her mum about her boyfriend's dandruff

The mum replies "have you tried giving him head and shoulders?"

The girlfriend thinks for a moment, and says "how do i give him shoulders?"

My mum thinks I drink too much water.

She called me an aquaholic

My mum was upset when I put ginger in the pasta last night

I guess she liked that cat

A young boy approaches his mum and asks why he is black, even though both his parents are white.

The mother replies ‚My dear, it was one hell of an orgy back then. You should be happy that you aren’t barking.‘

A little boy was diligently reading his book when he suddenly asked, "Mum, how do rabbits bark?"

His mother looks up in surprise. "Rabbits don't bark, dear", she says.

"That's odd", says the boy, "Here it is written that rabbits eat carrots and bark."

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Mum dad said that the new lady nextdoor keeps birds.

Dad. No I didn't I said she looks like she's had a Cockatoo.

My mum doesn't want me to die.

She said it's because 'mistakes come back to haunt you'.

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Properly offensive mum jokes?

My friend and I had a habit of mum jokes duelling and putting standard 'yo mumma' to shame. All to the spirit of pushing the boundary. One point I came up with this:

'Your mum so loose, when you were born, it felt so good that she used you as a dildo and pushed you right back in.'

Anyo...

A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town".
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with mum and dad".
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himse...

Sandy’s mum has four kids; North, West, East. What is the name of the fourth child?

Sandy, obviously!

Your mum is like a bra,

Close to your heart and there for support

My mum said I should eat more vegetables

But the hospital banned me

A little convo between my sis and mum

My little sister was telling our mother something with full excitement but mum wouldn't listen.
Sister said, "Mom you never listen to me!"



Mother didn't listen to that either.

Was helping my mum move some stuff from

her room to storage. She pointed out a mirror and proceeded to ask “Would you be able to take this downstairs for me?”

I responded, much to her disappointment...

“I can see myself doing that”

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love your Mum

The other night I went out with my work friends without telling my wife .. I thought I would only have one drink but then one drink became two and then three and then you know how it goes .. I arrived home around 3am stumbling in through our front door trying not to make a noise .. I made myself a h...

Mum hated that it was illegal to hit me as a child, so she gave birth to conjoined twins…

I guess if you can’t beat ‘em…

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

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What's the difference between 3 cocks and a joke?

Your mum can't take a joke.

A little girl asked her mum, “How did the human race appear?”

Mum answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made …”

Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.

Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mum and said...

So this guy lost his right foot in an accident

Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he's wearing a prosthetic foot.

Some years later he met a girl, but didn't tell her about his 'disability'. They got married and on wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride.

Horrified, she straight cal...

My mum said to me, "can you please pass me a book mark?"

Absolutely broken. 25 years old and she doesn't know my name is Scott.

I asked my mum if I could lick the bowl when she was finished.

She replied "why can't you flush it like everyone else"

What does your mum and Jupiter have in common

They both take care of the most amount of offspring within their group, while having to deal with a harsh and unstable environment



...



And they weigh over 20 quadrillion tons

Mum :What is your score in the exam.?

Daughter: I got one point more than the class monitor.
Mum: How much did the class monitor get ?
Daughter: She got 96
Mum: How much did you get ?
Daughter: I got 9.6

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Little Johnny was doing his maths homework.

He says out loud, "One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight."
His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, "What are you doing Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "I am just doing my maths homework."
" And is this is how your teacher taught yo...

One day my mum made a stew out of cow intestines.

It tasted offal.

mum & dad were dwarfs

All their lives they struggled to put food on the table

When I was young I asked my mum what a couple was

she said,"oh two or three." And she wonders why her marriage didn't work.

Mum just told me my dad’s actually the milkman

Which would explain why he gets up so early each day

I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum "what's wrong with dad?"

"He's going through a rough patch" she said...

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Mum, how do you spell clitoris?

I don’t know darling, ask your dad, it was on the tip of his tongue this morning

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SON:"Mum,Dad, I'm gay."

Mum: * Stares at dad*

Dad: *clenches fist*

Mom:"DON'T!"

Dad: *sweats profusely*

Mom: "..."

DAD: "HI GAY, IM DAD!"

Mum, why am I named Penny?

Mum: "Well, as you know, your dad has a habit of tossing and playing with a coin when he's nervous, and when you were born and your dad went to embrace you, the penny fell on your head. We named you accordingly."

Penny: "Wow, that's how I got my name!"

Daisy: :Mum, was that the same wa...

My mum runs 10k every single day

She's probably gotten really far now, I don't think she's ever coming back.

A mum visits her son for dinner...

A mum visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious...

Over the course of t...

Mum and dad take little Johnny for a singing lesson...

They come back an hour later to pick him up and when the teacher answers the door he says “I think we’ve found the next Elvis!”

“Really?” asked the mum, “Is his voice that good?”
“No, it’s terrible. I mean he just died on the toilet”

My mum told me I could be anything I want to be

Turns out identity theft is a crime

Boy: Mum, am I ugly?

Mum: I told you not to call me mum in public!

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I'm a prostitute and my mum and dad are pissed with this.

Not the fact I am a prostitute, the fact that I am working from home.

Kid asks his mum if he should bully Hispanics

his mum says no Juan deserves it

My ideal woman is a single mum

Or at least she will be after I’m gone


Credit: Originally a Jimmy Carr joke

A young snake asks his mum...

“Mum, are we poisonous or venomous?”

“Why?”, she replied

“Because I just bit my tongue”

Mum when I was on the bus with Dad

Son: 'Mum when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

My mum told me, when I visit grandma in hospital, I should take her flowers.

So, when grandma wasn't looking, I took them.

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