UPJOKE
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Gran Jokes

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My Gran just asked me "What's the name of that God-damn Jew who keeps hiding stuff around my house!?"

It's Alzheimer, grandma. Alzheimer.

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Decided to visit my Gran.

I walked in and found her sucking Grandad's cock.

I was outraged but she told me to calm down, saying that it was only natural.

I told her it wasn't and they should have buried it with the rest of him.

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My gran just walked in on me masturbating.

She was so shocked she had a stroke,

What lovely soft old hands she has.

My Gran died of asbestosis.

It was terrible, it took us four months to cremate her.

My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning.

The toughest part was acting surprised.

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My gran asked me yesterday, completely out of the blue, how I liked to masturbate.

"Err, alone if you don't mind."

My Gran barely recognises me after I’ve been staying in Chernobyl for a few months.

It’s not surprising. I’ve grown another foot!

I've been dating red riding hoods gran

Shes an animal in bed

I’m going trick or treating with my Gran tonight.

It’s the only time I can take her out as she’s been dead for ten years.

Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn't alive ?

Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran-

Grandpa - it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.

I thought I'd lost my LSD at my Grans house.

I went around and asked her if she'd found a small see through bag when tidying up.

She told me she didn't have time to tidy up.

Not while she has to worry about that dragon guarding the fridge.

My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread.

Now she’s toast.

My gran fell asleep last night while she was eating piri piri chicken

She had a cheeky nan dose

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I think my gran has Alzheimer's.

She called me Dave earlier when my name is Carson. Either that or she's thinking of someone else while we're having sex.

It's good to keep healthy. My gran started walking 10 miles a day when she was 50...

...she's 80 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

what do you call it when you push gran down the stairs and laugh when she can't get up

stand up comedy

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Granma always shit on our gifts…

My whole family went in to buy Gran one of those chair lifts to get up to the second floor “her bedroom is on the 2nd and she has been struggling over the last few years”. We had a professional install it and finally got everyone together to see her. We asked her “Hey Granma, how do you like the lif...

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Susie is a prostitute...

... who doesn't want her gran to know. One day Police raid the brothel & line up the girls outside.The gran walks past & sees her.Quick thinking Susie tells her its a queue for free oranges, so her gran joins the queue. When the Police get to gran, they're surprised & ask her 'How, do u ...

A coke addict accidentally snorts his grandma's ashes; how much of it did he snort?

About half a gran.

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Grown-up words.

A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term.

>"Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first."

So Jamie excitedly s...

Train

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth ju...

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Old lady in a bus

OL: stop the bus. I need to poop.
BD: gran, I can't stop the bus. We're 30 mins to a rest stop. Hold it in. It's just your imagination.
OL: really, stop the bus. It's peaking.
BD: it's just your imagination.
5 mins later, BD stopped the bus as he smelled something awful.
BD: gran, did...

I went to visit my 100-year old grandfather the other day

I’ve been concerned because he told me that he will be getting married to his lovely 25-year-old private nurse.

“Gran’ pa, ” I said, “aren’t you worried about a heart attack on your honeymoon?”

“Heart attack?” he laughed back at me “if she dies, she dies…”

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Stair Lift

My gran hates her stairlift, she said it drives her up the fucking wall.

Granny

I never got to know my gran. She was always cold and distant because she was dead and underground.

Genie: What are your 3 wishes?

Me: Make every word 4 letters long

Geni: Wish gran

Meee: Make ever word star with “br”

Brni: Brsh bran

Bree: brke brer brrd brnd brth “uh”

Bruh: Bruh bruh

Bruh: Bruh bruh bruh

Bruh: Bruh bruh

After my dad died, we found an old book hidden away in his study.

It was bound in some sort of leather, and emblazoned with the title “TO SUMMON THE DREADED ANCIENT ONE”.
When we opened it, all it contained was gran’s phone number.

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I was fucking this older woman

She said, “You know, you remind me of my son.”

I said, “Let's not make this weird, gran.”

A fantastic joke from local English comedian Tony Wallace

A man rings his gran and asks how her doctor's appointment went.

"He hit on you? No Gran, I'm sure he was just being nice."

A few seconds pause.

"No Gran, he said you had acute angina."

For the past 20 years, I've had a Valentines card from a secret admirer. I was sad I didn't get one this year!

First my gran dies, now this!

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Racial Confusion

A young black boy is in the kitchen cooking with his mum, when all of a sudden he smacks his face into the bowl of flower looking up at his mother he says "look mum, im a white fella!" She smacks him in the head with the spoon and says "get out of here with that shit, go see your father!" The litt...

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My friend told me this one

A boy goes to his grandma and asks,” gran , have you seen my pills , they’re labelled LSD?” The grandma replies,” fuck the pills what about the dragons in the kitchen !!!”

A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes.

She snorted half a gran.

Dude runs out of his house and rushes another dude walking....

He says, "My wife is an epileptic and she's seizing! Can you help?"
The other guy says, "Yes! Tell me what to do!"
They run into the house and to the bedroom and sure enough, the woman is in gran mal. The husband says, "Help me tie her down so she doesn't hurt herself!!"
They both proceed t...

What do you call a white grandmother?

A gran-cracker

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The story of the magic Fairy in the wood!

A guy wonders in the woods, seeking for mushrooms

he picks up one, and by magic a fairy APPEARS!

"Hello, im the magic fairy you've been very nice boy, i will grant you ONE wish" say the fairy

the guy, in shock, shruggs

"hmm..Well..**hehe**.., im a waiter..in a restaurant...

Little Johnny !!!!

Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I'm sorry but I just di...

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Italian Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.


Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how was-a da treep?”

Luigi said, “Everyting was-a perfecto except-a for da train-a ride down.”

...

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

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