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My Gran just asked me "What's the name of that God-damn Jew who keeps hiding stuff around my house!?"

It's Alzheimer, grandma. Alzheimer.

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Old lady in a bus

OL: stop the bus. I need to poop.
BD: gran, I can't stop the bus. We're 30 mins to a rest stop. Hold it in. It's just your imagination.
OL: really, stop the bus. It's peaking.
BD: it's just your imagination.
5 mins later, BD stopped the bus as he smelled something awful.
BD: gran, did...

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My gran just walked in on me masturbating.

She was so shocked she had a stroke,

What lovely soft old hands she has.

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Stair Lift

My gran hates her stairlift, she said it drives her up the fucking wall.

I've been dating red riding hoods gran

Shes an animal in bed

My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning.

The toughest part was acting surprised.

I’m going trick or treating with my Gran tonight.

It’s the only time I can take her out as she’s been dead for ten years.

My Gran died of asbestosis.

It was terrible, it took us four months to cremate her.

My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread.

Now she’s toast.

It's good to keep healthy. My gran started walking 10 miles a day when she was 50...

...she's 80 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

I thought I'd lost my LSD at my Grans house.

I went around and asked her if she'd found a small see through bag when tidying up.

She told me she didn't have time to tidy up.

Not while she has to worry about that dragon guarding the fridge.

Genie: What are your 3 wishes?

Me: Make every word 4 letters long

Geni: Wish gran

Meee: Make ever word star with “br”

Brni: Brsh bran

Bree: brke brer brrd brnd brth “uh”

Bruh: Bruh bruh

Bruh: Bruh bruh bruh

Bruh: Bruh bruh

My gran fell asleep last night while she was eating piri piri chicken

She had a cheeky nan dose

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I think my gran has Alzheimer's.

She called me Dave earlier when my name is Carson. Either that or she's thinking of someone else while we're having sex.

A coke addict accidentally snorts his grandma's ashes; how much of it did he snort?

About half a gran.

My dear grandma is eighty-five-years-old and doesn’t need glasses.

She drinks straight out of the bottle.

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The story of the magic Fairy in the wood!

A guy wonders in the woods, seeking for mushrooms

he picks up one, and by magic a fairy APPEARS!

"Hello, im the magic fairy you've been very nice boy, i will grant you ONE wish" say the fairy

the guy, in shock, shruggs

"hmm..Well..**hehe**.., im a waiter..in a restaurant...

Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn't alive ?

Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran-

Grandpa - it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.

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I was fucking this older woman

She said, “You know, you remind me of my son.”

I said, “Let's not make this weird, gran.”

Dude runs out of his house and rushes another dude walking....

He says, "My wife is an epileptic and she's seizing! Can you help?"
The other guy says, "Yes! Tell me what to do!"
They run into the house and to the bedroom and sure enough, the woman is in gran mal. The husband says, "Help me tie her down so she doesn't hurt herself!!"
They both proceed t...

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Italian Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.


Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how was-a da treep?”

Luigi said, “Everyting was-a perfecto except-a for da train-a ride down.”

...

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My friend told me this one

A boy goes to his grandma and asks,” gran , have you seen my pills , they’re labelled LSD?” The grandma replies,” fuck the pills what about the dragons in the kitchen !!!”

After my dad died, we found an old book hidden away in his study.

It was bound in some sort of leather, and emblazoned with the title “TO SUMMON THE DREADED ANCIENT ONE”.
When we opened it, all it contained was gran’s phone number.

For the past 20 years, I've had a Valentines card from a secret admirer. I was sad I didn't get one this year!

First my gran dies, now this!

A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes.

She snorted half a gran.

Little Johnny !!!!

Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I'm sorry but I just di...

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Racial Confusion

A young black boy is in the kitchen cooking with his mum, when all of a sudden he smacks his face into the bowl of flower looking up at his mother he says "look mum, im a white fella!" She smacks him in the head with the spoon and says "get out of here with that shit, go see your father!" The litt...

A fantastic joke from local English comedian Tony Wallace

A man rings his gran and asks how her doctor's appointment went.

"He hit on you? No Gran, I'm sure he was just being nice."

A few seconds pause.

"No Gran, he said you had acute angina."

What do you call a white grandmother?

A gran-cracker

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