Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?

Because she went to woo Han.

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A professor, giving a lecture on involuntary muscle contractions, pointed to a gorgeous young woman and asked: “Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”

She answered, “Probably out drinking with his mates.”

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American contracts std in China.

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom.
A week after arriving back home, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, ...

The world health organization declared that dogs cannot contract the Corona virus.

All dogs held in quarantine have been released. So to clarify.... WHO let the dogs out.

After contracting Covid-19 Famous Rapper DMX has promised to infect every human on earth with the virus.

This is apart of his earlier promise that "X gonna give it to ya"

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I’ll never contract coronavirus

Why would I employ that dickhead?

A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...

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Since I contracted Covid-19 our sex life has been so much better

Seeing as I can't smell or taste.

The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

A group of mountain climbers all contract Coronavirus, but are strangely unable to infect anybody else.

This is because scalars aren't vectors.

An electrician is contracted to do work in Africa

He works in Africa setting up the electrical systems for the schools and hospitals that a mission is helping build. During his work there he meets a pastor and they chat and eventually become friends. One day the electrician mentions to his friend the idea that the priest should say some prayers for...

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

I was always scared of the coronavirus until I contracted it.

Now it works for me.

Three men are sitting in a hospital room. The first asks the second how he contracted COVID19.

He replies, "Because I support Boris Johnson's herd immunity."

The first man responds "But I am here because I attended a protest against Boris Johnson's herd immunity!"

They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him how he contracted the virus.
...

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."

What do you call a healthcare worker that doesn’t self isolate after contracting COVID-19?

A hippocritic oaf.

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Shaking hands increases the risk of contracting Coronavirus

Michael J. Fox is fucked.

Prince Charles contracts Corona Virus

All part of the coronation process

Why was Prince Andrew hoping to contract Corona-virus?

He wanted to spend more time inside quaran-teens.

What do you do with your partner after contracting the coronavirus?

Netflix and ill.

Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

Phone call with nurse: My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

Nurse: “Is this her first child?”

Me: “No, you idiot!, this is her husband!”

Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease?

Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con.

If you were to contract Coronavirus...

Do you prefer it with or without lyme disease?

An Instagram model has contracted the coronavirus

She's now an influenzer.

Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...

Changed into jeans and was all good.

Did you hear about the contracts the Indian restaurant made their employees sign?

They were naan-disclosure agreements

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Poets are like terms of service contracts

They use many words and elaborate eloquent language to describe how they are going to fuck you.

If you're a Doctor, an Undertaker and a Contract Killer...

...you're gonna get paid anyway.

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers.

She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says, "when I was young I contracted kneesles."
She says, "you mean measles."
He says, "no, I actually got kneesles."
She shrugs and continues undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about the...

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

Grandma made a bet with John that if he didn’t eat 25 dumplings, he would clean the apartment

John eats the 24th dumpling, but the 25th is not in the plate ... That's all you need to know about drafting contracts.

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is OK.

It's what it's.

What do you call it when British export and importers fight over future contract prices?

Pound for pound.

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

Never say c'rona virus.

That's how I contracted it.

What part of a contract entitles you to free gifts?

The Santa Clause.

My boss said that for this new contract need someone someone he can trust, someone reliable. I replied "You can count on me, my second name is reliable."

My first name is Un.

Why should you never make a contract with a whale?

The whale will eventually breach.

Why did the strict grammar teachers break up?

He missed a colon, she missed a period, and they both hated contractions.

What do you call it when a very pregnant woman starts using fake words like “did’ve?”

A Braxton Hicks contraction

Johnny asked me the other if he could end a sentence with a contraction...

The only thing I responded with was, “I wouldn’t.”

At first I was really against contracting a brain parasite

But then it grew on me.

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A woman makes a deal with the Devil to gain wealth and power, but doesn't want to go to Hell.

The Devil makes a little rule for the woman. She happily agrees and thus, the contract is sealed.

She goes onto be the best stockbroker in her city, giving her a near bottomless checkbook and connections to lawmakers, celebrities, anyone with even a scrap of power in the city.


Almo...

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

My wife screamed in pain during labour

I asked, “What’s wrong?”.

She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”

“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”

I should've known better than to sign a contract that was written on the side of a cereal box.

Turns out the thing was filled with loopholes

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

What would you get if the director of Pulp Fiction were to contract Ebola?

A quarantinable Quentin Tarantino.

What do you call it when your back spasms from carrying around all the money you made on contracts to detain potential immigrants?

A compensation cramp.

Why couldn’t the molecule split up?

It was in a legally bonding contract.

A musician goes into labor

To help keep her mind away from the pain and maintain her breathing, she begins counting her sheet music out loud. Her contractions gradually get stronger, when she calls out, “Oh god! The triplets are coming!”

“One and a two and a three and a!”

My cousins contract at the zoo to wash the undersides of elephants. They say that their pay’s not that great...

But their tips are ENORMOUS!

What does a muscle contraction cost?

80p

I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.

And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.

So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap p...

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What can I get for you?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The barkeep was not impressed, but says to the guy, "O...

A virus comes to a bank to get a loan. "Are you employed?" asks the bank assistant.

"No," replies the virus, "I'm contracted."

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What kind of contract killer has two butts?

An assassin

My friend asked me to stop using contractions...

I can't and I won't.

My English teacher banned me from using apostrophies.

She doesn't want me to contract the C'rona Virus.

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The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

My law firm specializes in grain futures contracts.

Barley Legal

Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER do...

Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine?

Because of his retractable clause.

I have a superpower

I can use the heat generated from cellular respiration to make the muscles in my arms contract
Not to flex or anything...

My business partner "Steve" completed her transition to Stephanie, so we had to re-write our contract...

It's now a trans-specific partnership.

A marriage contract does not make the wife the property of the man.

It does, however, give him exclusive drilling rights.

Justin Bieber is currently battling Lyme disease.

If the corona virus spreads and he contracts it, he may be the first person with Conora-with-Lyme disease.

Two power companies were competing for a bid to install telephone poles

A city needed telephone poles installed and there were two companies competing for the bid. To choose the finalist, both companies were instructed to install as many poles as possible in one day. The company with the most poles would win the contract.

Both companies got to work the next day, ...

Pregnancy

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax...

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

A man has been sleeping around and was worried he may have contracted AIDS. He goes to the doctor to get a check up. The doctor returns and says “I have two good news for you”

The man perplexed but hopeful asks: “what’s the first good news?”

Doctor replies, “you don’t have AIDS!”

The man relieved but now even more curious asks the doctor, “then what’s the other good news?”

Doctor responds, “we found a new strain of STD and they’re going to name it aft...

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'Involuntary Muscle Contraction'

A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're ...

Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon.

10 gigs for $80 a month

A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman.

He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman h...

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You should never have sex with reptiles

You really don't want to contract gator AIDS. Horrible disease.

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Wife said she had to see her doctor to arrange gettin' her pap smeared

Hell, I know her pap's old, but he's pretty wirey, I don't think some girlie doctor is gonna be able to put any kinda hurt on him at all.

Besides, he's a pretty good guy and doesn't deserve a contract ass-whoopin.

A man is at his wife's bedside during her first pregnancy, when she starts shouting at him.

"I've! Shouldn't! You're! Can't!"

The man gets worried, and starts asking the nurse what's happening.

The nurse pats his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, this is normal. She's just having contractions."

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he’s gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

“Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job,” he explained to her. “One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us wen...

I'm a comedian and I just signed a one-year contract with HBO!

I even get the premium channels

You can never find loopholes in contracts with spacecrafts.

They're always airtight.

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A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage.

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage. Both are nervous and start getting undressed. The man takes his shoes and socks off and the woman shrieks "OMG! What's wrong with your feet?" The husband, having grossly misshapen toes replies "When I was a kid I contracted toelio." The b...

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A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

A guy calls 911 in a panic

"My wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!" He said

"Calm down" the 911 operator said. "Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot!" The guy shouts in anger. "This is her husband!"

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