Johnny asked me the other if he could end a sentence with a contraction...

The only thing I responded with was, “I wouldn’t.”

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

What part of a contract entitles you to free gifts?

The Santa Clause.

My boss said that for this new contract need someone someone he can trust, someone reliable. I replied "You can count on me, my second name is reliable."

My first name is Un.

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

At first I was really against contracting a brain parasite

But then it grew on me.

I should've known better than to sign a contract that was written on the side of a cereal box.

Turns out the thing was filled with loopholes

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs

When the man goes back to complain, the hooker says “Well for $10, what did you expect!” she laughs “Lobster?”

What do you call it when your back spasms from carrying around all the money you made on contracts to detain potential immigrants?

A compensation cramp.

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

A blond man.

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone.

"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" Asked the doctor.

"No. This is her husband."

My cousins contract at the zoo to wash the undersides of elephants. They say that their pay’s not that great...

But their tips are ENORMOUS!

Why should you never make a contract with a whale?

The whale will eventually breach.

A guy calls 911 in a panic

"My wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!" He said

"Calm down" the 911 operator said. "Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot!" The guy shouts in anger. "This is her husband!"

A Lobster Walks Into a Bar

He goes up to the bartender and says: "Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I'm a lawyer."

"Blimey... A lobster lawyer? That is impressive," says the bartender.

The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document tha...

What is black & white and red all over?

Lebron James' contract.

What does a muscle contraction cost?

80p

I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.

And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.

My law firm specializes in grain futures contracts.

Barley Legal

Why was the employee fired for covering his employment terms with Clorox?

It was a bleach of contract

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

I just realized when you turn 18 your government free trial has ended...

you can terminate your contract but it voids all other assigning contacts permanently.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of contract killer has two butts?

An assassin

My friend asked me to stop using contractions...

I can't and I won't.

A man is at his wife's bedside during her first pregnancy, when she starts shouting at him.

"I've! Shouldn't! You're! Can't!"

The man gets worried, and starts asking the nurse what's happening.

The nurse pats his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, this is normal. She's just having contractions."

So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap p...

A man rushes his wife to hospital

As she finally lies down on a bed, she starts yelling "Don't! Shouldn't! Can't! Isn't!"

The man asks the doctor, "What's going on? She's speaking incoherently! Is this normal?"

The doctor nods unconcernedly. "Oh yes, it's perfectly normal," he says, "she's just having contractions."

Martin Love was a very successful fitness coach.

He was incredibly strict and his long list of 100 rules was infamous, but you couldn't argue with the results. People always reached their target weight within a month. But this required absolute obedience to the rules, and commitment to Martin Love's regime. To make sure people knew exactly what th...

My business partner "Steve" completed her transition to Stephanie, so we had to re-write our contract...

It's now a trans-specific partnership.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Involuntary muscle contraction

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscle Contraction” to his first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, “Do ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage.

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage. Both are nervous and start getting undressed. The man takes his shoes and socks off and the woman shrieks "OMG! What's wrong with your feet?" The husband, having grossly misshapen toes replies "When I was a kid I contracted toelio." The b...

A marriage contract does not make the wife the property of the man.

It does, however, give him exclusive drilling rights.

A man has been sleeping around and was worried he may have contracted AIDS. He goes to the doctor to get a check up. The doctor returns and says “I have two good news for you”

The man perplexed but hopeful asks: “what’s the first good news?”

Doctor replies, “you don’t have AIDS!”

The man relieved but now even more curious asks the doctor, “then what’s the other good news?”

Doctor responds, “we found a new strain of STD and they’re going to name it aft...

How did the Roman contract AIDS?

From a high five

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming, don't stop the car!.. We won't make it!.. We won't!.. Can't!" "Driver, hurry!" I yelled..

"Her contractions are getting closer together!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Loving Wife

A couple years ago I met the love of my life. She's beautiful, intelligent, and compliments all of my weaknesses with her strengths. Recently, she became pregnant and I could not be more filled with joy. We found out we were having a boy, which was the perfect icing on the cake. Now there will be so...

A husband died

A husband died.

A few years later, his wife died.

As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"

The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,

"Woah there woman. The co...

My wife called me today while I was at work and said, “Honey, I’ve started to have contractions! I need you to drive to the hospital!”

Forty-five minutes later when I got there, I called her back and asked, “Right, I’m here, what do you want me to do now?!”

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes:

Mexican contractor: 3 million
Italian Contractor: 7 million
Israeli Contractor: 10 million

After a while Trump asked the
Mexican - Why did you ask for 3 million.
The Mexican said:-One million in pain...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine?

Because of his retractable clause.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Richard's new job

Richard just got a new job on a small shipping vessel. He shows up for his first day and the first mate puts him to work loading crates onto the ship. He finishes a few hours later and they get underway. Richard is put to work and is kept busy all day. After dinner, he approaches the first mate and ...

A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman.

He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman h...

In the darkest hours of World War II, a British Commando unit was waiting to go behind enemy lines into Norway

During the planning of the mission, it was decided that their rifles would need protective covers against the extreme cold of Norway. The contract to manufacture the covers was given to a pharmaceutical company that also manufactured condoms.

Before the Commandos deployed, Winston Churchill p...

Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon.

10 gigs for $80 a month

You can never find loopholes in contracts with spacecrafts.

They're always airtight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

I was recently fired as a mechanic

I could not believe it, they called me a thief. Even though it expressly says in the contract that I am allowed to take brakes!

A homage to the puerto rico contract awarded to minor utility company makong the news today : 3 contractors bid for government work

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh, another from Pakistan and the third from China.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some meas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you contract from unprotected sex with a cowgirl?

Gonor*yeeeeehaaaa!*

I'm a comedian and I just signed a one-year contract with HBO!

I even get the premium channels

In WW I, US soldiers could be court martialed for contracting gonorrhoea.

That's why they call it a "dishonorable discharge".

A Catholic Mexican couple decide to mix it up a bit.

They'd been engaged for a year and instead of getting married in their village they decided to have a spontaneous marriage in Las Vegas. So they flew there one night, found a cute little chapel and said their vows. As they were leaving a man walks up to them. He said "we like to offer newly wed coup...

Did you hear about the pregnant woman who went into labor and started shouting, "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't!"?

She was having contractions.

A patient tells his doctor he thinks he contracted Swine Flu and Avian Flu at the same time.

The doctor tells him "I'll believe that when pigs fly."

What do you call an STD that is contracted in your ear?

Hearing AIDS

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he’s gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

“Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job,” he explained to her. “One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us wen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his canary?

He contracted a bad case of chirpies. And what's worse is that it's untweetable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went to a dance and hit it off with a guy there.

They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress.

The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when h...

The pain transformer

A pregnant couple arrived to the hospital after the woman started to feel contractions.

Seeing the woman's pain, the doctor offered a new treatment: A pain transformer which after applying it, the pain will pass (some percentage of it) to the father.

The father, who wanted best for his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

A woman shouts to her husband "Im having contractions!"

Her husband walks over to her and hands her a bag of apostrophes. The woman, relieved, says "thanks, I'm feeling much better now."

Civil engineer goes to Hell

A civil engineer dies and goes to Hell by accident. According to policy, all civil engineers go to Heaven but a mistake was made this time. The engineer descends to Hell and he finds the situation miserable. Too much heat, fires, lava, vapor, and everyone is in panic mode. So he goes to have a littl...

A muscle cell walks into a bar

Muscle cell *coughs and sneezes*
Bartender "oh my god, what did you contract?"
Muscle cell "Nah I was only Actin"

One day in Contract Law class, the professor asked one of his better students,

"Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

What is Snoop's favorite contraction?

We'd

A White House construction bid.

A drunk driver runs through the iron gates on Pennsylvania Ave and a White House official has been tasked with contracting the fix and getting a quote breakdown.

He calls a general contractor in Texas. "Yezzir, that'll be a $3k job. $2500 for me and $500 to my Mexican crew".

The offici...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between an asshole and a businessman?

An asshole can only contract, but a businessman can also sub-contract.

Donald Trump admitted today that he contracted an STD.

He has hairpiece.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My pay as you go phone

My friend was always taking the piss out of me when I got my pay as you go phone

“You’ve got a pay as you go phone, you’ve got a pay as you go phone”

I got really sick after a week of this, so I decided to take out a contract


Two days later the hitman got back to me to tell ...

A man goes to the doctor for blood tests [long]

After extended testing and an agonizing wait, he finally gets a call from the doctor to immediately come into the office and to have as little contact with others as possible.
On arrival he is greeted by a nurse in full bio suit and whisked into a barren room.
The doctor comes in, also in fu...

A lawyer contracts a cold for two hours. What does he have?

A brief case.

I know a guy who owns an electrics and wiring company. He swears by employing only Germans and sending about a dozen of them to each contract....

He reckons that many Hans make lights work.

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

.A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a d...

Derek Acorah got sacked from Most Haunted for advertising bio-yoghurt in breech of his contract.

That's what you get for dabbling in the Yakult.

A pregnant woman visits the doctor...

A nine-month pregnant woman goes to the doctor for her check-up. The doctor asks her how she feels.

"I am doing fine doctor, just waiting on my little bundle of joy. How much longer must I wait?"

"You're not ready yet. Come see me in two days and we'll see where you are."

Two d...

The President of the U.S. receives a call from the Treasury Department.

-Madam President, we are upgrading the vaults where we keep the gold reserve. Three designs are finalists, but you need to select the one we will use.

-What are the options?

-The first one is a made of reinforced concrete surrounding a steel cage with a nickel content of 8%. The second...

My wife was in labor with our daughter

My wife was in labor with our daughter, everything was going well until she started shouting
"Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!".
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing, she is just having contractions."

I like my elections like I like my contract bridge.

No Trump

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