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The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

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Congratu-fucking-lations to me! I'm a novice screenwriter and I just signed a contract with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'm going with their basic cable, plus HBO.

What did the two-year old say when he saw the author of the leading commentary on the English law of contracts and his brother gunned down in succession by two gunshots?

Chitty! Chitty! Bang! Bang!

A man speaks frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"

The doctor asks, "Is this her first child?"

The man replies, "No! Idiot! I'm her husband!"

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

I had a falling-out with a fellow member of Contract Fetishists Anonymous...

... but we came to terms in the end.

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

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There’s this new medicine that prevents you from contracting HIV from oral sex.

It’s called Meal PrEP

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An American, a Japanese, and a Brazilian firm are bidding on a contract to build a stadium.

An American, a Japanese, and a Brazilian firm are bidding on a contract to build a stadium.

The American firm says that the stadium will cost 2 million dollars because Americans like everything big and built to last.

The Japanese firm says that the stadium will cost 1 million because ...

A: Are you the one responsible for using word contractions inappropriately?

B: I'm.

The New York Times just contracted me to row a boat for a upcoming story.

I'm the Times's new Row-man

Did you hear about the flirty contract?

It was full of Tease&C’s.

How are you doing? the doctor asked, as his pregnant patient gasped, sweated, and panted in pain...

She could not even get a sentence out, so great was her discomfort:

"I don't!..... [gasp]... can't!......[grunt] ... don't!..... [cry]..."

"Hmmmm. Sounds like your contractions are a few seconds apart."

Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.

Apparently they’re filled with anty bodies.

Several nuns in a convent contract a venereal disease...

...So the Mother Superior calls a general meeting, and announces "There are cases of gonorrhea in our midst".

One of the nuns whispers to the nun next to her, "That's nice, I'm getting sick of the Cabernet".

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' "

So she starts doing so. Bu...

Why are Math teachers never sick and English teachers always pregnant?

Because you can always count on a math teacher and English teachers do not allow contractions.

What do you always find in a contract that is made on Christmas day?

A Santa Clause

Over half the deer in Michigan has contracted covid.

More proof that not only has this disease cost a few bucks, but also a lot of doe.

Best labor EVER

The wife was going into labor and the contractions were getting pretty bad.

The doctor tell the couple that their is this new device that can transfer some or all the pain to the father if they wanted to try it.

The Husband agrees to 10% at first
Wife: Thank you baby just taking th...

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Dammit Jim

Frank and his colleagues went to their favourite bar after they signed a big contract. They celebrated with lots of beers and shots. Suddenly Frank feels unwell, goes to the bathroom and throws up, so there's vomit all over his shirt. His colleague Bob enters and sees Frank. He knows Frank's very st...

A man stumbles across an old oil lamp in an antique store...

The lamp is very dusty, so he gives it a rub, and the room starts to shake, and a genii appears.

He announces, "I am the Great Genii of the lamp! Since you've freed me, I will grant you one wish."

The man replies, "Just one?"

The genii relies, "Blame Reganomics, now time is sh...

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A man is with his wife and she is having their first baby.

She gets this really strong contraction, prods him in the chest and screams at him" This is your fault, you know this "He says "Bullshit, if you remember correctly I wanted to put it in your ass. You said it was going to be too painful, well look at you now.. "

My TCP/IP LAN contracted COVID-19

It should have worn its subnet mask

On the subject of American independence, did you know that the Revolution was initially viewed as a breach of contract?

They heard that the Americans violated the teas and seas.

Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine?

Because of his retractable clause.

Sad news to share: my dad just contracted COVID, and lost his sense of taste.

He's been listening to a lot of Justin Bieber.

A pregnant woman screams COULDN’T WOULDN’T SHOULDN’T CAN’T…

The Dr said “nothing to worry about, those are contractions”.

Double

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby an...

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

Dwayne Johnson and his family all contracted COVID..

They figured it out when they couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.

What do "I'm pregnant", "we're pregnant" and "she's pregnant" have in common?

They all have *contractions*.

I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.

And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.

I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do?"

“Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband."

Why don’t Italians use contractions?

Because they don’t make a pasta fee!

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19

Award-winning composer, lyricist, actor, rapper, and playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19 after receiving a spoiled dose of the vaccine. The nurse initially refused to administer the vaccine, when she discovered that it had accidentally been left out of the refrigeration unit too lo...

My teacher told me that I obviously didn't understand contractions.

I said, "I am better at them than you're."

Wife is tired of me using trite, meaningless expressions and overusing contractions. Oh well...

It's what it's.

The CEO of Coca-Cola calls Vladimir Putin.

“Mr Putin! I noticed you’ve changed the Russian anthem. Do you have any plans to change the colors of your flag as well and return to the previous purely red flag? If you’d put a Coca-Cola logo in the corner, we’d solve all your financial troubles for the next five years.”

Putin puts the CEO ...

What did the beaver say to the doe when asked to do contract work for charity?

"Frankly my deer, I don't give a dam"

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

A group of mountain climbers all contract Coronavirus, but are strangely unable to infect anybody else.

This is because scalars aren't vectors.

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...

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A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

Did you hear about the group of Kansas City football players who all contracted skin infections while smoking marijuana?

The Joint Chiefs of Staph

In my latest contract negotiation, my coach told me he wanted me to come off the bench next season. I replied...

That’s a non-starter.

Luckily, after contracting COVID 19, Donald Trump got back to full health. It would be a huge tragedy for the whole world to lose him...

...before he did his time.

After contracting Covid-19 Famous Rapper DMX has promised to infect every human on earth with the virus.

This is apart of his earlier promise that "X gonna give it to ya"

The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

Person One: [To a crowd] “Help! This is an emergency. Is anyone here a doctor?”

Person One: \[To a crowd\] “Help! This is an emergency. Is anyone here a doctor?”

Person Two: “I’m a doctor but I’m afraid of frivolous lawsuits.”

Person Three: “I’m a lawyer and I have a contract here that can protect you against most allegations of malpractice. But it will need to be...

I should've known better than to sign a contract that was written on the side of a cereal box.

Turns out the thing was filled with loopholes

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I’ll never contract coronavirus

Why would I employ that dickhead?

My boss said that for this new contract need someone someone he can trust, someone reliable. I replied "You can count on me, my second name is reliable."

My first name is Un.

As a nurse, my wife contracted Covid and I thought it was a joke.

But her boss said it is a serious staff infection . . .

Lionel Messi is very impatient about his new contract.

He says he doesn’t want 2-8 anymore.

If you were to contract Coronavirus...

Do you prefer it with or without lyme disease?

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What kind of contract killer has two butts?

An assassin

How do you know when a moron has contracted the Coronavirus?

When he stopped tweeting and went to Walter Reed.

What do you do with your partner after contracting the coronavirus?

Netflix and ill.

Your momma so dumb..

The brain eating amoeba she contracted starved to death

Why was Prince Andrew hoping to contract Corona-virus?

He wanted to spend more time inside quaran-teens.

What do you call a healthcare worker that doesn’t self isolate after contracting COVID-19?

A hippocritic oaf.

If you're a Doctor, an Undertaker and a Contract Killer...

...you're gonna get paid anyway.

Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease?

Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con.

President Trump has reportedly contracted coronavirus

Finally, something positive about Trump.

Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon.

10 gigs for $80 a month

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Michael J. Fox has contracted coronavirus

Contact tracing shows he got it from shaking hands

Friend: Contractions are overused.

Me: That they’re.

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he’s gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

“Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job,” he explained to her. “One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us wen...

Three men are sitting in a hospital room. The first asks the second how he contracted COVID19.

He replies, "Because I support Boris Johnson's herd immunity."

The first man responds "But I am here because I attended a protest against Boris Johnson's herd immunity!"

They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him how he contracted the virus.
...

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Poets are like terms of service contracts

They use many words and elaborate eloquent language to describe how they are going to fuck you.

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Since I contracted Covid-19 our sex life has been so much better

Seeing as I can't smell or taste.

Prince Charles contracts Corona Virus

All part of the coronation process

I was always scared of the coronavirus until I contracted it.

Now it works for me.

Did you hear about the contracts the Indian restaurant made their employees sign?

They were naan-disclosure agreements

Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

Why should you never make a contract with a whale?

The whale will eventually breach.

Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...

Changed into jeans and was all good.

At first I was really against contracting a brain parasite

But then it grew on me.

My friend rents out broken kites, no contracts or lease required.

No strings attached

Disclaimer: I know this joke is stupid. My 5 year old nephew did not tell me this.

I don't think we should be too worried about Tom Hanks contracting the corona virus.

If there's one person who has a documented history of staying in complete isolation for a prolonged period of time and surviving against all odds only to make his way back into the civilisation, it's him.

I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is OK.

It's what it's.

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

What would you get if the director of Pulp Fiction were to contract Ebola?

A quarantinable Quentin Tarantino.

My cousins contract at the zoo to wash the undersides of elephants. They say that their pay’s not that great...

But their tips are ENORMOUS!

So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap p...

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman.

He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman h...

Johnny asked me the other if he could end a sentence with a contraction...

The only thing I responded with was, “I wouldn’t.”

Wife in labor

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"

So, I asked, "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"

And the Doctor replied, "Nothing. She's just having contractions."

My business partner "Steve" completed her transition to Stephanie, so we had to re-write our contract...

It's now a trans-specific partnership.

My law firm specializes in grain futures contracts.

Barley Legal

What does a muscle contraction cost?

80p

What do you call it when your back spasms from carrying around all the money you made on contracts to detain potential immigrants?

A compensation cramp.

My wife has a contract to give lectures...

It's called a marriage license

Kurdish cunieform tablets

In ancient Kurdistan, they didn’t have the material to make the cuneiform tablets they did down by the rivers in the Fertile Crescent, so they had to carve important documents into stone tablets.

That included contracts and treaties. There could be multiple “signatories.” For an invoice, for ...

What do you call an STD that is contracted in your ear?

Hearing AIDS

A hiker walks into a bar

A hiker walks into a bar and the barkeeper greets him with "What are you drinking, sir?"

The hiker scans the range of whisky bottles on display and asks for a measure of an expensive Talisker. The barman pours the drink, which the hiker knocks back in one, and says, "That will be £9.50 please...

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A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

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