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Involuntary Muscle Contractions

A medical professor at a university was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscle Contractions" to his first year medical students.

He points to a pretty young woman in the front row, and said "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied "Probably...

So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap p...

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes:

Mexican contractor: 3 million
Italian Contractor: 7 million
Israeli Contractor: 10 million

After a while Trump asked the
Mexican - Why did you ask for 3 million.
The Mexican said:-One million in pain...

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What kind of contract killer has two butts?

An assassin

How did the Roman contract AIDS?

From a high five

A marriage contract does not make the wife the property of the man.

It does, however, give him exclusive drilling rights.

Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine?

Because of his retractable clause.

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A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

My business partner "Steve" completed her transition to Stephanie, so we had to re-write our contract...

It's now a trans-specific partnership.

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

How government contracts work...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC:One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third, is from
Florida . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measur...

Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon.

10 gigs for $80 a month

In the darkest hours of World War II, a British Commando unit was waiting to go behind enemy lines into Norway

During the planning of the mission, it was decided that their rifles would need protective covers against the extreme cold of Norway. The contract to manufacture the covers was given to a pharmaceutical company that also manufactured condoms.

Before the Commandos deployed, Winston Churchill p...

One day in Contract Law class, the professor asked one of his better students,

"Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests,...

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he’s gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

“Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job,” he explained to her. “One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us wen...

A husband died

A husband died.

A few years later, his wife died.

As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"

The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,

"Woah there woman. The co...

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What do you contract from unprotected sex with a cowgirl?

Gonor*yeeeeehaaaa!*

A lawyer contracts a cold for two hours. What does he have?

A brief case.

I know a guy who owns an electrics and wiring company. He swears by employing only Germans and sending about a dozen of them to each contract....

He reckons that many Hans make lights work.

I like my elections like I like my contract bridge.

No Trump

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An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

A muscle cell walks into a bar

Muscle cell *coughs and sneezes*
Bartender "oh my god, what did you contract?"
Muscle cell "Nah I was only Actin"

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My pay as you go phone

My friend was always taking the piss out of me when I got my pay as you go phone

“You’ve got a pay as you go phone, you’ve got a pay as you go phone”

I got really sick after a week of this, so I decided to take out a contract


Two days later the hitman got back to me to tell ...

Derek Acorah got sacked from Most Haunted for advertising bio-yoghurt in breech of his contract.

That's what you get for dabbling in the Yakult.

Did you hear about Michael Vicks new shoe contract?

Hush Puppies.

My boss tried to fire me for using my paid Christmas vacation to work as a mall Santa

Apparently my contract had a Santa clause

Civil engineer goes to Hell

A civil engineer dies and goes to Hell by accident. According to policy, all civil engineers go to Heaven but a mistake was made this time. The engineer descends to Hell and he finds the situation miserable. Too much heat, fires, lava, vapor, and everyone is in panic mode. So he goes to have a littl...

The President of the U.S. receives a call from the Treasury Department.

-Madam President, we are upgrading the vaults where we keep the gold reserve. Three designs are finalists, but you need to select the one we will use.

-What are the options?

-The first one is a made of reinforced concrete surrounding a steel cage with a nickel content of 8%. The second...

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Original Genie joke (let me hear yours!)

Man finds a genie and gets 3 wishes.

​

"I want a huge cock" The genie makes a fairly large rooster appear out of thin air.

​

"No, no, I want a bigger penis!" The genie gives the man a bigger penis... right beside the one he already had.

&#...

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An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

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What is the difference between an asshole and a businessman?

An asshole can only contract, but a businessman can also sub-contract.

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A friend told me masturbating before important decisions helps..

You should've seen the look on my recruiter's face when I was jerking off before signing my employment contract..

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

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A Jock goes to the doctor, worried that he pulled a muscle.

Based on the activities that the jock describes doing, the doctor determines the most likely place of injury is his ass.

"I have a simple method of determining whether or not you've pulled a muscle. Try contracting the muscles of that area in a manner that you don't normally contract them. ...

Shortly after the beginning of the war in Afghanistan.....

...the news showed a clip of a young Afghani man in the midst of a battle in a city. The young man grabbed a grenade and hurled it some 70 yards into the fifth-floor window of a building, blowing the building up and saving several American soldiers.

A scout for the Detroit Lions happened to ...

Vinny the Hitman's birthday

On his birthday, Vinny, a professional hitman, is getting ready to go out, when suddenly, a large group of mobsters shows up at hist front door.


"Vinny," say the mobsters, "it's your birthday. Come on, we've booked you an entire restaurant. Let's go."


"Oh my god guys," says Vin...

Dave (Rich) and his friends were having a reunion...

And it was a glamorous party! It had cake, fruitpunch, pizza, everything you could imagine!

They all fell asleep that night feeling good. Once they were in bed, Dave and a friend of his walked out of the room. They were kidnapped, and shipped away to some dangerous tribal island.

"What...

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The Illness

A man returned from a business trip to Dubai feeling nauseous and looking ghastly. He rushed to the ER and was immediately put through some medical tests.


After a few days of experiencing excruciating pain throughout his body, the doctor walks into the room holding his medical report.
...

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A guy gets a worm parasite...

A guy goes on a mission trip and contracts a gnarly parasite worm. Every doctor tells him he's done for and the worm will starve him to death, but a friend of his who used to go on mission trips tells him about this doctor that has a technique to get rid of the worm, but warns him that the doctor is...

A granpda asks his just graduated grandchild

Grandpa: So what will you do for a living now that you earned your bachelor's degree?

Grandchild: I'm a model during the week, I'm a DJ in the weekends and an influencer by contract

Grandpa: I remember when I just graduated I was also unemployed son, be patient

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A painter falls into a tank and drowns

A painter was doing a contract for a brewing company to paint the brewing shop. He sets his ladder over this open tank filled with 3000L of beer.

He didn’t secure his ladder properly, and so it slips and he falls into this massive tank. Only one option, DRINK!! So he chugs and chugs trying t...

My friend's dad is a war photographer, but with a twist.

He goes into battlefields after the shooting's stopped and takes pictures of the aftermath.

The newspaper he works for got him a contract to take photos in Iraq. Well, this was just after the war broke out, and he couldn't just fly into the country, not while there was a war. So he flew into...

Just another round of Union negotiations . .

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “T...

So a guy buys a TV on finance from a local shop...

However, he didn’t pay any money for it at all. Countless warnings were sent to him, telling him that he must pay for the TV in the instalments agreed to, or they would seize the TV.

The warnings came to no avail. The guy was called upon by the courts to explain why he had not responded to th...

A hitman was being questioned by the police...

"Do I understand this clearly", asked the officer in charge of the questioning, "You only took contracts from celebrities?".

"Yes, that is correct" answered the hitman.

"Why would you do that? Your records say you were building a career and seemed to have everything in order, but then ...

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A Texan oil tycoon storms into his lawyers office...

Demanding that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.


"What's the problem?"


"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.


"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a pie...

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A little boy asks his dad "Where does poo come from?"

His father is taken aback by the question but decides to give his son the facts straight up.

"Well son," he says, "food passes down the esophagus by peristalsis. It enters the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This contracts the protein befo...

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The painter in the brewery

A painter got a contract to paint the ceiling at a local beer brewery, but sadly, he fell off his 10m ladder into a tank filled with 10,000 liters of beer and drowned.

The director of the brewery informs the wife of the painter that her husband had died in the tragic accident, and assures her...

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A twelve year old boy is walking along the side of a road...

A twelve year old boy is walking along the side of a road. He is dragging a string with him, and attached to that string is a flattened frog. He walks for a few more minutes until he reaches a brothel.

He walks inside and the lady at the front desk immediately stops him and says "I'm sorr...

A young kid from the inner city only ever dreamed of being a dancer

Lacey worked really hard and started to gain some attention until a tragic accident destroyed her left knee. She lost her job at the dance company and thus her insurance, leaving her with a shattered knee and broken dreams.

Then she saw a commercial for these brand new knee replacements, Mah...

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A man in the desert finds an old oil lamp...

... he rubs the lamp (as is traditional), and surprise! Out pops a genie.

"The contract is made, for freeing me from the lamp I shall grant you THREE WISHES!"

Sweet! Thinks the man I'm gonna make the best of this! And he whispers something in the genie's ear.

"IT SHALL BE DONE!...

Elder Scrolls Joke

Yo momma's so fat the dark brotherhood needs two contracts to get her

Some engineers were arguing about God.

One says, "God was clearly a mechanical engineer. Just look at the structure of the bones, how they're shaped to carry their loads without wasted weight, how the joints interlock to give free movement, how the muscles are optimally placed as actuators with the best leverage."

The second repli...

White House painting tender.

Donald trump wants to paint the white house. He calls for tenders from China, Europe and India.


Chinese guy quoted 3 million U$


European guy quoted 7 million U$


Indian guy quoted 10 million U$


Trump asked chinese guy, how did you quote 3 million..?" ...

Why was the fisherman upset with his new property?

After selling his sole for a small plaice perched by the sea (something to the tuna 500 square feet), he found something fishy within contract and realised he cod do better if he weren't such a cheap-skate.

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THE RULES OF THE ANCIENT AND HONORABLE GAME OF INDOOR GOLF

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club and two balls.

Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

For most effective play, the...

Politically correct chat up line

20th century man in a bar - "hey gorgeous can I buy you a drink?"

21st century man in a bar - "I consider you aesthetically pleasing and on that basis request permission to purchase for you a beverage. If this is acceptable to you, please read this contract and in the boxes provided list you...

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Phrase of the day

An American businessman is in Japan for an important contract. Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a cute, young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't speak or understand Japanese, the ma...

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What do you get when two lawyers have sex?

I Binding contract that you can't pull out of!

The Pope, Trump, and a Polak walk into a bar...

While they're walking in, the bartender hears them finishing up some discussion.

Trump says, "It's a deal, tremendous idea. A billion dollar contract, screen doors for every submarine in our fleet. Very, very impressive."

The pope says, "I assure you, guaranteed entry into heaven, no...

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Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone
4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christma...

CIA assessment center

After the standard round of interviews, a good dozen of applicants sit before the director of the CIA office.

"Trust is central to our business, ladies and gentlemen. Still, intelligence, precision and punctuality are nearly as essential. So, to the test: You have an envelope with a coded add...

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close to Dave's joke with a Pope

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a professional driver with a nice Bmw M5. Usually it's a limousine but lately pope enjoys more like sports cars. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know brother, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you mind?'' 
T...

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A young Iraqi hockey player

The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US .

Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.
<...

Mexicans WILL build the wall...

Upon contract of Canadian goverment for their owm southern border!

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Arab football player

There was once a young, athletic arab man who lived in the middle east with his mother and sister whom he loved very much. The arab man and his family lived in a very dangerous part of his country that was always in turmoil. However, despite this, he was very fond of American football and played wit...

If you need a distraction from the election there is a new American reality TV series starting soon.

It's called The White House. Apparently the lead actor has been given a 4 season contract.

A dog, a pig, and a horse are in a band (Worth the read)

They are relatively unknown, and are struggling to become popular. They play gig after gig but cannot seem to break through. The horse soon falls into despair, and resorts to doing drugs. He is kicked out of the band, and right after he leaves the band hits it big. Contract labels are starting to pa...

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Pornstar Lisa Ann has retired...

I wonder if she read her contract and realised she was getting screwed...

How many brits are needed to change a light bulb

None they just terminate their apartment contract.