UPJOKE
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Contract Jokes

Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine?

Because of his retractable clause.
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The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.

Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
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What disease did the Youtuber contract?

Influenza.
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Did you hear about the flirty contract?

It was full of Tease&C’s.
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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

What do you contract from kissing pigeons?

Coo-ties
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I went and deliberately contracted measles for a dare...

...that was a rash decision
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Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he’s gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

“Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job,” he explained to her. “One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us wen...
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Over half the deer in Michigan has contracted covid.

More proof that not only has this disease cost a few bucks, but also a lot of doe.
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Several nuns in a convent contract a venereal disease...

...So the Mother Superior calls a general meeting, and announces "There are cases of gonorrhea in our midst".

One of the nuns whispers to the nun next to her, "That's nice, I'm getting sick of the Cabernet".
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I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.

And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.
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I had a falling-out with a fellow member of Contract Fetishists Anonymous...

... but we came to terms in the end.
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In spite of the verdict, Amber Heard has picked up a new contract.

She's the new spokesperson for Ex-Lax® .
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What do "I'm pregnant", "we're pregnant" and "she's pregnant" have in common?

They all have *contractions*.
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A: Are you the one responsible for using word contractions inappropriately?

B: I'm.
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Congratu-fucking-lations to me! I'm a novice screenwriter and I just signed a contract with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'm going with their basic cable, plus HBO.

My TCP/IP LAN contracted COVID-19

It should have worn its subnet mask
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"Involuntary Muscular Contractions"





A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"to his first year medical students.Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.



He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ...

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"
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Why don’t Italians use contractions?

Because they don’t make a pasta fee!
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The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The Chinese contractor estimates three million dollars.

And the European contractor said the cost was seven million dollars

And then the Pakistani contractor made an estima...
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A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...
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My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”
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Did you hear about the new airline pilot contract? You will only have to work on Tuesday!

‘some guy in the back raises his hand’

“Every Tuesday?”
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Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19

Award-winning composer, lyricist, actor, rapper, and playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19 after receiving a spoiled dose of the vaccine. The nurse initially refused to administer the vaccine, when she discovered that it had accidentally been left out of the refrigeration unit too lo...
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Dwayne Johnson and his family all contracted COVID..

They figured it out when they couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.
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A man speaks frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"

The doctor asks, "Is this her first child?"

The man replies, "No! Idiot! I'm her husband!"
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A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”
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Friend: Contractions are overused.

Me: That they’re.
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If you were to contract Coronavirus...

Do you prefer it with or without lyme disease?
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The New York Times just contracted me to row a boat for a upcoming story.

I'm the Times's new Row-man
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A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...
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Scientists confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting Covid...

Apparently they're filled with anty-bodies
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An American, a Japanese, and a Brazilian firm are bidding on a contract to build a stadium.

An American, a Japanese, and a Brazilian firm are bidding on a contract to build a stadium.

The American firm says that the stadium will cost 2 million dollars because Americans like everything big and built to last.

The Japanese firm says that the stadium will cost 1 million because ...

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What kind of contract killer has two butts?

An assassin

Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon.

10 gigs for $80 a month
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Sad news to share: my dad just contracted COVID, and lost his sense of taste.

He's been listening to a lot of Justin Bieber.
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A man is with his wife and she is having their first baby.

She gets this really strong contraction, prods him in the chest and screams at him" This is your fault, you know this "He says "Bullshit, if you remember correctly I wanted to put it in your ass. You said it was going to be too painful, well look at you now.. "

How do demons draft their contracts?

They use paralegals
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Michael J. Fox has contracted coronavirus

Contact tracing shows he got it from shaking hands
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Prince Charles contracts Corona Virus

All part of the coronation process
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My teacher told me that I obviously didn't understand contractions.

I said, "I am better at them than you're."
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Lionel Messi is very impatient about his new contract.

He says he doesn’t want 2-8 anymore.
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Poets are like terms of service contracts

They use many words and elaborate eloquent language to describe how they are going to fuck you.

Why was Prince Andrew hoping to contract Corona-virus?

He wanted to spend more time inside quaran-teens.
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If you're a Doctor, an Undertaker and a Contract Killer...

...you're gonna get paid anyway.
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While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

What does a muscle contraction cost?

80p
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A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
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How do you know when a moron has contracted the Coronavirus?

When he stopped tweeting and went to Walter Reed.
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Wife is tired of me using trite, meaningless expressions and overusing contractions. Oh well...

It's what it's.
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My wife said, “I’m getting sick of you overusing contractions.”

Me: It’s what it’s.
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What do you do with your partner after contracting the coronavirus?

Netflix and ill.
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Why should you never make a contract with a whale?

The whale will eventually breach.
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Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...

Changed into jeans and was all good.
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What did the beaver say to the doe when asked to do contract work for charity?

"Frankly my deer, I don't give a dam"
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My law firm specializes in grain futures contracts.

Barley Legal
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I was always scared of the coronavirus until I contracted it.

Now it works for me.
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President Trump has reportedly contracted coronavirus

Finally, something positive about Trump.
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At first I was really against contracting a brain parasite

But then it grew on me.
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On the subject of American independence, did you know that the Revolution was initially viewed as a breach of contract?

They heard that the Americans violated the teas and seas.
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How government contracts work...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC:One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third, is from
Florida . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measur...
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A group of mountain climbers all contract Coronavirus, but are strangely unable to infect anybody else.

This is because scalars aren't vectors.
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My wife has a contract to give lectures...

It's called a marriage license
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Since I contracted Covid-19 our sex life has been so much better

Seeing as I can't smell or taste.

So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap p...
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What is Snoop's favorite contraction?

We'd
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A new vaccine has been developed to prevent fox from contracting rabies. Not many are getting the shot though. Only one...

Fox in eight
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I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is OK.

It's what it's.
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A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman.

He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman h...
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Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease?

Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con.
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As a nurse, my wife contracted Covid and I thought it was a joke.

But her boss said it is a serious staff infection . . .
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What would you get if the director of Pulp Fiction were to contract Ebola?

A quarantinable Quentin Tarantino.
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What do you contract from unprotected sex with a cowgirl?

Gonor*yeeeeehaaaa!*

What do you call it when British export and importers fight over future contract prices?

Pound for pound.
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What do you call a healthcare worker that doesn’t self isolate after contracting COVID-19?

A hippocritic oaf.
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The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness
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After contracting Covid-19 Famous Rapper DMX has promised to infect every human on earth with the virus.

This is apart of his earlier promise that "X gonna give it to ya"
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In my latest contract negotiation, my coach told me he wanted me to come off the bench next season. I replied...

That’s a non-starter.
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I should've known better than to sign a contract that was written on the side of a cereal box.

Turns out the thing was filled with loopholes
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What did the two-year old say when he saw the author of the leading commentary on the English law of contracts and his brother gunned down in succession by two gunshots?

Chitty! Chitty! Bang! Bang!
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Johnny asked me the other if he could end a sentence with a contraction...

The only thing I responded with was, “I wouldn’t.”
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I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.
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Three men are sitting in a hospital room. The first asks the second how he contracted COVID19.

He replies, "Because I support Boris Johnson's herd immunity."

The first man responds "But I am here because I attended a protest against Boris Johnson's herd immunity!"

They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him how he contracted the virus.
...
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Donald Trump admitted today that he contracted an STD.

He has hairpiece.
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What do you call an STD that is contracted in your ear?

Hearing AIDS
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I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do?"

“Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband."
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Did you hear about the group of Kansas City football players who all contracted skin infections while smoking marijuana?

The Joint Chiefs of Staph
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In WW I, US soldiers could be court martialed for contracting gonorrhoea.

That's why they call it a "dishonorable discharge".
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My business partner "Steve" completed her transition to Stephanie, so we had to re-write our contract...

It's now a trans-specific partnership.
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I like my elections like I like my contract bridge.

No Trump
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