My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Dwayne Johnson and his family all contracted COVID..

They figured it out when they couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.

Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?

Because she went to woo Han.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A professor, giving a lecture on involuntary muscle contractions, pointed to a gorgeous young woman and asked: “Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”

She answered, “Probably out drinking with his mates.”

The World Health Organization has officially announced that dogs are not able to contract COVID-19 and have released them all from quarantine.

It's safe to say that WHO let the dogs out.

My wife said, “I’m getting sick of you overusing contractions.”

Me: It’s what it’s.

Lionel Messi is very impatient about his new contract.

He says he doesn’t want 2-8 anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an arsenal goalkeeper that was discussing his future contract with the club, however he didn't understand the technical financial words being used.

They had to put Lehmann's terms in Layman's terms

Friend: Contractions are overused.

Me: That they’re.

Michael J. Fox has contracted coronavirus

Contact tracing shows he got it from shaking hands

Chuck Norris contracted the Coronavirus.

Now it's working for him.

A husband died

A few years later the wife died.

As she got to heaven, she sees her husband and runs up to him with tears in her eyes "Oh darling, how I've missed you."

The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

After contracting Covid-19 Famous Rapper DMX has promised to infect every human on earth with the virus.

This is apart of his earlier promise that "X gonna give it to ya"

An electrician is contracted to do work in Africa

He works in Africa setting up the electrical systems for the schools and hospitals that a mission is helping build. During his work there he meets a pastor and they chat and eventually become friends. One day the electrician mentions to his friend the idea that the priest should say some prayers for...

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ll never contract coronavirus

Why would I employ that dickhead?

A group of mountain climbers all contract Coronavirus, but are strangely unable to infect anybody else.

This is because scalars aren't vectors.

The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since I contracted Covid-19 our sex life has been so much better

Seeing as I can't smell or taste.

What do you call a healthcare worker that doesn’t self isolate after contracting COVID-19?

A hippocritic oaf.

My friend rents out broken kites, no contracts or lease required.

No strings attached

Disclaimer: I know this joke is stupid. My 5 year old nephew did not tell me this.

What do you do with your partner after contracting the coronavirus?

Netflix and ill.

Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease?

Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con.

Three men are sitting in a hospital room. The first asks the second how he contracted COVID19.

He replies, "Because I support Boris Johnson's herd immunity."

The first man responds "But I am here because I attended a protest against Boris Johnson's herd immunity!"

They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him how he contracted the virus.
...

I was always scared of the coronavirus until I contracted it.

Now it works for me.

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”

Prince Charles contracts Corona Virus

All part of the coronation process

Why was Prince Andrew hoping to contract Corona-virus?

He wanted to spend more time inside quaran-teens.

Phone call with nurse: My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

Nurse: “Is this her first child?”

Me: “No, you idiot!, this is her husband!”

Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

If you were to contract Coronavirus...

Do you prefer it with or without lyme disease?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poets are like terms of service contracts

They use many words and elaborate eloquent language to describe how they are going to fuck you.

An Instagram model has contracted the coronavirus

She's now an influenzer.

Why did Trump cross The Road?

The Road is the name of a small business that fulfilled it's contract, exhausted all capital, and expected to be paid the rate that was agreed on.

Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...

Changed into jeans and was all good.

Did you hear about the contracts the Indian restaurant made their employees sign?

They were naan-disclosure agreements

If you're a Doctor, an Undertaker and a Contract Killer...

...you're gonna get paid anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane crashed in the Pacific Ocean and only three people survived.

Eventually, with the tide, they luckily got carried to shore on a deserted island. These three people, two men and a woman, were smart enough to gather everything they could to set up camp.

After three months of surviving and a long discussion with the other man, the first one went to the gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Caucasian decided to visit a hooker when he visited Thailand.

A week later upon returning to the States he developed severe urinary pain. This was followed by purulent discharge and blistering of his penis.

Anxiously worried he visited a physician who told him, “You have contracted a rare STD that unfortunately necessitates amputation of your penis. It ...

What part of a contract entitles you to free gifts?

The Santa Clause.

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

A Newly-Wed couple is in their hotel room, ready to consummate the marriage...

... the groom sits on the edge of the bed and takes off his socks. His new bride looks at his feet and says, "Woah! What in the world happened to your feet!?"

"Oh that.. when I was young I contracted toelio!" he replies.

"Toelio!?" she exclaims, "you mean POLio right?"

"Nope, ...

A hiker walks into a bar

A hiker walks into a bar and the barkeeper greets him with "What are you drinking, sir?"

The hiker scans the range of whisky bottles on display and asks for a measure of an expensive Talisker. The barman pours the drink, which the hiker knocks back in one, and says, "That will be £9.50 please...

Rhythm and blues

Never sign a contract for guitar lessons.
Too many strings attached.

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Guys in hell

This is the story of an engineer from intel, a guy from the pentagon, and a small skateboarder all three ended up in hell after signing a contract with the devil himself

so he says to them

\- I will give each of you a chance to go to paradise, but beware, no second chance, it's eith...

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers.

She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says, "when I was young I contracted kneesles."
She says, "you mean measles."
He says, "no, I actually got kneesles."
She shrugs and continues undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about the...

I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is OK.

It's what it's.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ad man is overwhelmed with work...

An ad man is overwhelmed with work so he contracts our his easiest account, for Acme Nails, to his brother in law, who is a professional animator, to produce the ad.

Two days before it's due he still hasn't heard anything so he calls his BIL.

"Hey man, you must be done by now, right? I...

My boss said that for this new contract need someone someone he can trust, someone reliable. I replied "You can count on me, my second name is reliable."

My first name is Un.

What do you call it when British export and importers fight over future contract prices?

Pound for pound.

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

Why did the strict grammar teachers break up?

He forgot to use a colon, she missed a period, they both hated contractions, and when they think of their future life, it's only a parent they see.

Johnny asked me the other if he could end a sentence with a contraction...

The only thing I responded with was, “I wouldn’t.”

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

At first I was really against contracting a brain parasite

But then it grew on me.

I should've known better than to sign a contract that was written on the side of a cereal box.

Turns out the thing was filled with loopholes

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

Why should you never make a contract with a whale?

The whale will eventually breach.

Never say c'rona virus.

That's how I contracted it.

I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.

And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.

Grandma made a bet with John that if he didn’t eat 25 dumplings, he would clean the apartment

John eats the 24th dumpling, but the 25th is not in the plate ... That's all you need to know about drafting contracts.

What would you get if the director of Pulp Fiction were to contract Ebola?

A quarantinable Quentin Tarantino.

What do you call it when your back spasms from carrying around all the money you made on contracts to detain potential immigrants?

A compensation cramp.

My cousins contract at the zoo to wash the undersides of elephants. They say that their pay’s not that great...

But their tips are ENORMOUS!

What does a muscle contraction cost?

80p

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine?

Because of his retractable clause.

So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman makes a deal with the Devil to gain wealth and power, but doesn't want to go to Hell.

The Devil makes a little rule for the woman. She happily agrees and thus, the contract is sealed.

She goes onto be the best stockbroker in her city, giving her a near bottomless checkbook and connections to lawmakers, celebrities, anyone with even a scrap of power in the city.


Almo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of contract killer has two butts?

An assassin

My friend asked me to stop using contractions...

I can't and I won't.

What do you call it when a very pregnant woman starts using fake words like “did’ve?”

A Braxton Hicks contraction

My law firm specializes in grain futures contracts.

Barley Legal

A marriage contract does not make the wife the property of the man.

It does, however, give him exclusive drilling rights.

My business partner "Steve" completed her transition to Stephanie, so we had to re-write our contract...

It's now a trans-specific partnership.

I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labor and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do?!" He asked, "Is this her first child?"

"No! This is her husband!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

Why couldn’t the molecule split up?

It was in a legally bonding contract.

A musician goes into labor

To help keep her mind away from the pain and maintain her breathing, she begins counting her sheet music out loud. Her contractions gradually get stronger, when she calls out, “Oh god! The triplets are coming!”

“One and a two and a three and a!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'Involuntary Muscle Contraction'

A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're ...

A man has been sleeping around and was worried he may have contracted AIDS. He goes to the doctor to get a check up. The doctor returns and says “I have two good news for you”

The man perplexed but hopeful asks: “what’s the first good news?”

Doctor replies, “you don’t have AIDS!”

The man relieved but now even more curious asks the doctor, “then what’s the other good news?”

Doctor responds, “we found a new strain of STD and they’re going to name it aft...

Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon.

10 gigs for $80 a month

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman.

He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman h...

A virus comes to a bank to get a loan. "Are you employed?" asks the bank assistant.

"No," replies the virus, "I'm contracted."

The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What can I get for you?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The barkeep was not impressed, but says to the guy, "O...

My wife called me today while I was at work and said, “Honey, I’ve started to have contractions! I need you to drive to the hospital!”

Forty-five minutes later when I got there, I called her back and asked, “Right, I’m here, what do you want me to do now?!”

Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER do...

I have a superpower

I can use the heat generated from cellular respiration to make the muscles in my arms contract
Not to flex or anything...

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