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The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

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Congratu-fucking-lations to me! I'm a novice screenwriter and I just signed a contract with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'm going with their basic cable, plus HBO.

You want me to kill him? I’ve never done a contract killing before.

But I’ll give it my best shot.

A man speaks frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"

The doctor asks, "Is this her first child?"

The man replies, "No! Idiot! I'm her husband!"

I had a falling-out with a fellow member of Contract Fetishists Anonymous...

... but we came to terms in the end.

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' "

So she starts doing so. Bu...

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An American, a Japanese, and a Brazilian firm are bidding on a contract to build a stadium.

An American, a Japanese, and a Brazilian firm are bidding on a contract to build a stadium.

The American firm says that the stadium will cost 2 million dollars because Americans like everything big and built to last.

The Japanese firm says that the stadium will cost 1 million because ...

Did you hear about the flirty contract?

It was full of Tease&C’s.

The New York Times just contracted me to row a boat for a upcoming story.

I'm the Times's new Row-man

A: Are you the one responsible for using word contractions inappropriately?

B: I'm.

I hate the contraction for we will...

But at this point I don't want to reinvent the we'll.

Several nuns in a convent contract a venereal disease...

...So the Mother Superior calls a general meeting, and announces "There are cases of gonorrhea in our midst".

One of the nuns whispers to the nun next to her, "That's nice, I'm getting sick of the Cabernet".

A man stumbles across an old oil lamp in an antique store...

The lamp is very dusty, so he gives it a rub, and the room starts to shake, and a genii appears.

He announces, "I am the Great Genii of the lamp! Since you've freed me, I will grant you one wish."

The man replies, "Just one?"

The genii relies, "Blame Reganomics, now time is sh...

Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.

Apparently they’re filled with anty bodies.

A pregnant woman screams COULDN’T WOULDN’T SHOULDN’T CAN’T…

The Dr said “nothing to worry about, those are contractions”.

Over half the deer in Michigan has contracted covid.

More proof that not only has this disease cost a few bucks, but also a lot of doe.

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A man is with his wife and she is having their first baby.

She gets this really strong contraction, prods him in the chest and screams at him" This is your fault, you know this "He says "Bullshit, if you remember correctly I wanted to put it in your ass. You said it was going to be too painful, well look at you now.. "

The CEO of Coca-Cola calls Vladimir Putin.

“Mr Putin! I noticed you’ve changed the Russian anthem. Do you have any plans to change the colors of your flag as well and return to the previous purely red flag? If you’d put a Coca-Cola logo in the corner, we’d solve all your financial troubles for the next five years.”

Putin puts the CEO ...

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

Double

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby an...

My TCP/IP LAN contracted COVID-19

It should have worn its subnet mask

On the subject of American independence, did you know that the Revolution was initially viewed as a breach of contract?

They heard that the Americans violated the teas and seas.

A new vaccine has been developed to prevent fox from contracting rabies. Not many are getting the shot though. Only one...

Fox in eight

Sad news to share: my dad just contracted COVID, and lost his sense of taste.

He's been listening to a lot of Justin Bieber.

Person One: [To a crowd] “Help! This is an emergency. Is anyone here a doctor?”

Person One: \[To a crowd\] “Help! This is an emergency. Is anyone here a doctor?”

Person Two: “I’m a doctor but I’m afraid of frivolous lawsuits.”

Person Three: “I’m a lawyer and I have a contract here that can protect you against most allegations of malpractice. But it will need to be...

What do "I'm pregnant", "we're pregnant" and "she's pregnant" have in common?

They all have *contractions*.

Your momma so dumb..

The brain eating amoeba she contracted starved to death

I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do?"

“Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband."

Why don’t Italians use contractions?

Because they don’t make a pasta fee!

Dwayne Johnson and his family all contracted COVID..

They figured it out when they couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.

My teacher told me that I obviously didn't understand contractions.

I said, "I am better at them than you're."

Wife is tired of me using trite, meaningless expressions and overusing contractions. Oh well...

It's what it's.

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine?

Because of his retractable clause.

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19

Award-winning composer, lyricist, actor, rapper, and playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19 after receiving a spoiled dose of the vaccine. The nurse initially refused to administer the vaccine, when she discovered that it had accidentally been left out of the refrigeration unit too lo...

I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.

And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.

What did the beaver say to the doe when asked to do contract work for charity?

"Frankly my deer, I don't give a dam"

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

Did you hear about the group of Kansas City football players who all contracted skin infections while smoking marijuana?

The Joint Chiefs of Staph

In my latest contract negotiation, my coach told me he wanted me to come off the bench next season. I replied...

That’s a non-starter.

A group of mountain climbers all contract Coronavirus, but are strangely unable to infect anybody else.

This is because scalars aren't vectors.

Luckily, after contracting COVID 19, Donald Trump got back to full health. It would be a huge tragedy for the whole world to lose him...

...before he did his time.

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

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A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...

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I’ll never contract coronavirus

Why would I employ that dickhead?

As a nurse, my wife contracted Covid and I thought it was a joke.

But her boss said it is a serious staff infection . . .

After contracting Covid-19 Famous Rapper DMX has promised to infect every human on earth with the virus.

This is apart of his earlier promise that "X gonna give it to ya"

The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

What's the difference between jokes about coronavirus and the children that contract it?

The jokes will eventually get old.

I used to teach creative writing at San Quentin

Back in my college days in the Bay Area, I ended up becoming a volunteer teacher’s assistant at a creative writing class at San Quentin prison. For those of you who doesn’t know this is a prison full of some of the hardest criminals that walked the earth.

Well I met an inmate there named Art...

How do you know when a moron has contracted the Coronavirus?

When he stopped tweeting and went to Walter Reed.

If you were to contract Coronavirus...

Do you prefer it with or without lyme disease?

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

I should've known better than to sign a contract that was written on the side of a cereal box.

Turns out the thing was filled with loopholes

Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease?

Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con.

President Trump has reportedly contracted coronavirus

Finally, something positive about Trump.

My boss said that for this new contract need someone someone he can trust, someone reliable. I replied "You can count on me, my second name is reliable."

My first name is Un.

What do you do with your partner after contracting the coronavirus?

Netflix and ill.

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What kind of contract killer has two butts?

An assassin

Wife in labor

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"

So, I asked, "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"

And the Doctor replied, "Nothing. She's just having contractions."

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

What do you call a healthcare worker that doesn’t self isolate after contracting COVID-19?

A hippocritic oaf.

Why was Prince Andrew hoping to contract Corona-virus?

He wanted to spend more time inside quaran-teens.

If you're a Doctor, an Undertaker and a Contract Killer...

...you're gonna get paid anyway.

Michael J. Fox has contracted coronavirus

Contact tracing shows he got it from shaking hands

Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon.

10 gigs for $80 a month

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Since I contracted Covid-19 our sex life has been so much better

Seeing as I can't smell or taste.

Three men are sitting in a hospital room. The first asks the second how he contracted COVID19.

He replies, "Because I support Boris Johnson's herd immunity."

The first man responds "But I am here because I attended a protest against Boris Johnson's herd immunity!"

They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him how he contracted the virus.
...

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Poets are like terms of service contracts

They use many words and elaborate eloquent language to describe how they are going to fuck you.

Kurdish cunieform tablets

In ancient Kurdistan, they didn’t have the material to make the cuneiform tablets they did down by the rivers in the Fertile Crescent, so they had to carve important documents into stone tablets.

That included contracts and treaties. There could be multiple “signatories.” For an invoice, for ...

Prince Charles contracts Corona Virus

All part of the coronation process

I was always scared of the coronavirus until I contracted it.

Now it works for me.

Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...

Changed into jeans and was all good.

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he’s gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

“Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job,” he explained to her. “One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us wen...

Why should you never make a contract with a whale?

The whale will eventually breach.

Did you hear about the contracts the Indian restaurant made their employees sign?

They were naan-disclosure agreements

Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

At first I was really against contracting a brain parasite

But then it grew on me.

What do you call it when British export and importers fight over future contract prices?

Pound for pound.

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A doctor sees a gorgeous woman walk into his exam room…

A doctor sees a gorgeous woman walk into his exam room and becomes immediately smitten. He tells her to undress and then begins fondling her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"You're conducting a breast exam."

"That's right," says the doctor, "I'm checking for lumps."

Nex...

I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is OK.

It's what it's.

A guy calls 911 in a panic.

“My wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!”

“Calm down,” the 911 operator says. “Is this her first child?”

“No, you idiot!” the guy shouts. “This is her husband!”

What would you get if the director of Pulp Fiction were to contract Ebola?

A quarantinable Quentin Tarantino.

My cousins contract at the zoo to wash the undersides of elephants. They say that their pay’s not that great...

But their tips are ENORMOUS!

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir...

So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap p...

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

Johnny asked me the other if he could end a sentence with a contraction...

The only thing I responded with was, “I wouldn’t.”

A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman.

He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman h...

Sometimes I Think

Sometimes I think my sister contracted Covid before it was a thing, because she has no taste in men.

My business partner "Steve" completed her transition to Stephanie, so we had to re-write our contract...

It's now a trans-specific partnership.

My law firm specializes in grain futures contracts.

Barley Legal

What does a muscle contraction cost?

80p

What do you call it when your back spasms from carrying around all the money you made on contracts to detain potential immigrants?

A compensation cramp.

A cattle buyer goes on his annual hunting trip

A cattle buyer and his buddy decide to go on their annual hunting trip in the wilds of Canada. They always went pretty far out from civilization to hunt moose and had to hire a small Cessna and pilot to take them out so far. Contracting a guy, they fly out and booth shoot and kill the limit, a moose...

Blond Father

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to h...

My wife has a contract to give lectures...

It's called a marriage license

What do you call an STD that is contracted in your ear?

Hearing AIDS

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

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