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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

My teacher told me that I obviously didn't understand contractions.

I said, "I am better at them than you're."

I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do?"

“Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband."

Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19

Award-winning composer, lyricist, actor, rapper, and playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19 after receiving a spoiled dose of the vaccine. The nurse initially refused to administer the vaccine, when she discovered that it had accidentally been left out of the refrigeration unit too lo...

Why don’t Italians use contractions?

Because they don’t make a pasta fee!

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.

Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

Wife is tired of me using trite, meaningless expressions and overusing contractions. Oh well...

It's what it's.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Scientists confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting Covid...

Apparently they're filled with anty-bodies

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?

Because she went to woo Han.

Sad news to share: my dad just contracted COVID, and lost his sense of taste.

He's been listening to a lot of Justin Bieber.

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

What did the beaver say to the doe when asked to do contract work for charity?

"Frankly my deer, I don't give a dam"

Did you hear about the group of Kansas City football players who all contracted skin infections while smoking marijuana?

The Joint Chiefs of Staph

Dwayne Johnson and his family all contracted COVID..

They figured it out when they couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.

A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...

As a nurse, my wife contracted Covid and I thought it was a joke.

But her boss said it is a serious staff infection . . .

Luckily, after contracting COVID 19, Donald Trump got back to full health. It would be a huge tragedy for the whole world to lose him...

...before he did his time.

In my latest contract negotiation, my coach told me he wanted me to come off the bench next season. I replied...

That’s a non-starter.

A husband died.

A few years later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Darling, oh how I missed you!"

The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says,

"Whoa there woman. The contract was until death."

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A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

President Trump has reportedly contracted coronavirus

Finally, something positive about Trump.

How do you know when a moron has contracted the Coronavirus?

When he stopped tweeting and went to Walter Reed.

In other news

Inspired by Colin Mochrie's 6:00 News on Who's Line, I tried to come up with my own.

We now return you to your 6:00 news. I'm your host, Armand Dangerous. Earlier today, a man who lost a digit to his foot after a grievous skiing accident underwent a groundbreaking surgery where he requested t...

A pregnant woman is at the hospital with her husband, when they are asked if they'd like to try an experimental device.

The device transfers some of the pain of labour and contractions to the father, as a gesture of love and bonding between the couple. The two agree.


They hook up the man and the woman to the device, turn it on while the woman is having contractions, but nothing happens. Confused, they ti...

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Indian government wants to build a factory [long]

So they called for bids from several local and international companies. Three were shortlisted: one local, one Chinese, one Japanese.

* The Japanese firm offered to build it for 25 Mn dollars in six months, and offered a guarantee for 10 years. But they were not keen on bribing the contract o...

Lionel Messi is very impatient about his new contract.

He says he doesn’t want 2-8 anymore.

In an alternate reality, bears speak and coexist with humans.

A prominent electrician (who happened to be a bear) employed several humans for various positions within his company. Some were in customer service, handling the phones. Others were on-site technicians who drove around town from job to job. One human, Mike, was hired to do two different jobs inside ...

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Poor Dyslexic James (long, original)

James was dyslexic. Because of this, he always struggled in school. He was embarrassed by his dyslexia and never let on or got help for his problems, so his grades suffered. His teachers and guidance counsellors told him he’d never amount to anything. All his life, James just wanted to prove them wr...

After contracting Covid-19 Famous Rapper DMX has promised to infect every human on earth with the virus.

This is apart of his earlier promise that "X gonna give it to ya"

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

A group of mountain climbers all contract Coronavirus, but are strangely unable to infect anybody else.

This is because scalars aren't vectors.

Michael J. Fox has contracted coronavirus

Contact tracing shows he got it from shaking hands

The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

A remix of a classic

A fellow was ~~stuck on his rooftop in a flood~~ going about his regular business in the middle of a pandemic. He was praying to God ~~for help~~ to keep him safe.

Soon a man ~~in a rowboat~~ with a Pfizer vaccine came by and the fellow shouted to the man, "~~Jump in~~Roll up your sleeve, I c...

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

A woman went into labour...

..and got rushed to hospital. almost immediately she kept shouting things like: can't, don't, didn't, couldn't. Her husband asked the Doctor " doctor, whats wrong with her?" The Doctor replied "ah dont worry those are just contractions"

Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease?

Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con.

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I’ll never contract coronavirus

Why would I employ that dickhead?

What part of a contract entitles you to free gifts?

The Santa Clause.

What do you do with your partner after contracting the coronavirus?

Netflix and ill.

What do you call a healthcare worker that doesn’t self isolate after contracting COVID-19?

A hippocritic oaf.

Phone call with nurse: My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

Nurse: “Is this her first child?”

Me: “No, you idiot!, this is her husband!”

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Since I contracted Covid-19 our sex life has been so much better

Seeing as I can't smell or taste.

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Poets are like terms of service contracts

They use many words and elaborate eloquent language to describe how they are going to fuck you.

If you were to contract Coronavirus...

Do you prefer it with or without lyme disease?

Three men are sitting in a hospital room. The first asks the second how he contracted COVID19.

He replies, "Because I support Boris Johnson's herd immunity."

The first man responds "But I am here because I attended a protest against Boris Johnson's herd immunity!"

They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him how he contracted the virus.
...

Prince Charles contracts Corona Virus

All part of the coronation process

Why was Prince Andrew hoping to contract Corona-virus?

He wanted to spend more time inside quaran-teens.

My boss said that for this new contract need someone someone he can trust, someone reliable. I replied "You can count on me, my second name is reliable."

My first name is Un.

I was always scared of the coronavirus until I contracted it.

Now it works for me.

Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

If you're a Doctor, an Undertaker and a Contract Killer...

...you're gonna get paid anyway.

I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.

And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.

Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...

Changed into jeans and was all good.

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A horse attempts to enter a Walmart

He's immediately stopped at the door by a staff member.

"Sorry sir, you need to have a mask on to enter here."

"That's silly!", the horse exclaimed. "I'm a HORSE! I'm in no danger of contracting nor spreading coronavirus! Plus where am I supposed to find a mask to fit MY face?!"
...

I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is OK.

It's what it's.

I should've known better than to sign a contract that was written on the side of a cereal box.

Turns out the thing was filled with loopholes

Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine?

Because of his retractable clause.

A man sells his soul to the devil

He’s down on his luck and needs money in the worst way. The devil appears to him and says I can give you all the money you need, just sell me your soul and your money problems will be gone. The devil even promised him not to take his soul for another ten years.

The man decides to make the dea...

At first I was really against contracting a brain parasite

But then it grew on me.

Yesterday was a terrible day for COVID-19.

It contracted Trump.

Johnny asked me the other if he could end a sentence with a contraction...

The only thing I responded with was, “I wouldn’t.”

A salesman flies to Vegas for a convention.

He’s driving down the strip when he sees a hooker who tells him, “Yoo Hoo! I’m selling!” They strike a bargain and do the big nasty.

When he returns home, he discovers he’s contracted gonorrhea. He’s on medication for the rest of the year. But the convention rolls around again and he flies ba...

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

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What kind of contract killer has two butts?

An assassin

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

Why should you never make a contract with a whale?

The whale will eventually breach.

My friend asked me to stop using contractions...

I can't and I won't.

What do you call it when your back spasms from carrying around all the money you made on contracts to detain potential immigrants?

A compensation cramp.

What would you get if the director of Pulp Fiction were to contract Ebola?

A quarantinable Quentin Tarantino.

What does a muscle contraction cost?

80p

My cousins contract at the zoo to wash the undersides of elephants. They say that their pay’s not that great...

But their tips are ENORMOUS!

My law firm specializes in grain futures contracts.

Barley Legal

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap p...

Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon.

10 gigs for $80 a month

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Trump's new Secretary of Defence decided the first thing he would do would be..

Trump's new Secretary of Defence decided his first action would be to order a test of how US Air Force planes would hold up in case of a bird-hit. He gave his brother-in-law's poultry business a contract to shoot birds at huge speeds at the latest F-35 at 1,000km/hr. Everyone expected the chicken t...

My business partner "Steve" completed her transition to Stephanie, so we had to re-write our contract...

It's now a trans-specific partnership.

A hiker walks into a bar

A hiker walks into a bar and the barkeeper greets him with "What are you drinking, sir?"

The hiker scans the range of whisky bottles on display and asks for a measure of an expensive Talisker. The barman pours the drink, which the hiker knocks back in one, and says, "That will be £9.50 please...

Wife is pregnant, due any day.

Suddenly the contractions Start.



"Can't, won't, I'm, haven't, don't, isn't" she said.

Sometimes the contractions gets so strong, she shouts "y'all'd've"

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he’s gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

“Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job,” he explained to her. “One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us wen...

A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman.

He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman h...

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers.

She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says, "when I was young I contracted kneesles."
She says, "you mean measles."
He says, "no, I actually got kneesles."
She shrugs and continues undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about the...

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

A man has been sleeping around and was worried he may have contracted AIDS. He goes to the doctor to get a check up. The doctor returns and says “I have two good news for you”

The man perplexed but hopeful asks: “what’s the first good news?”

Doctor replies, “you don’t have AIDS!”

The man relieved but now even more curious asks the doctor, “then what’s the other good news?”

Doctor responds, “we found a new strain of STD and they’re going to name it aft...

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house.

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house. He calls for quotation....
Chinese guy quoted 3 million.
European guy quoted 7 million.
Nigerian guy quoted 10 million.
The Governor asked the chinese guy.."..
how did u quote 3 million..?"
Chinese guy replied .."1 million ...

funniest joke you'll hear today about congestive heart failure

Assuming you are healthy, your heart when working normally, acts, sort of like a pump, or rather, two pumps. You see, your right heart expands to draw deoxygenated blood in from the body, and contracts to pump it out to the lungs to become oxygenated. And at the same time, your left heart draws in o...

Never say c'rona virus.

That's how I contracted it.

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