A woman walks into a bar

She sits at the counter and orders a salad with croutons and a creamy dressing.

The waiter delivers her salad, and she hands him a crisp $20 bill. As the waiter walks back to the cash register he holds it to the light and realizes it's a counterfeit! He snaps around to see the woman grabbing ...

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

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A man on an airplane notices this very attractive blonde sitting next to him... (Long)

As the flight begins she removes a book from her bag and starts to read. The man immediately notices the title; "Confessions of a Nymphomaniac" and he's instantly transfixed.

After a few moments, she pauses her reading to take a drink and the man seizes his opportunity... "so" he says, "I ju...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

What do you call that friend who will always seize the opportunity to run a Dungeons & Dragons game for your group?

A Carpe D.M

Our local saloon was seized for running a brothel. I've been their customer for years.

I never knew it was a saloon.

Why do so many tyrants try to seize power?

Because when they heard: "Watt is the meaning of life", they didn't think it was a question.

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Seize the means of production

Or as we say in America, "Grab 'em by the pussy."

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unen...

Last night on the episode of "Criminal Minds" my wife was watching, the cops arrested a clown.

As a Dad of long standing, I'm happy to have seized the opportunity to yell "Don't try anything funny!"

A communist, like Karl Marx, says to seize the means of production...

Capitalist Donald Trump however, prefers to seize the means of reproduction.

Why did the government seize Slim Shady's property?

It was emineminent domain.

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

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If I ever see my wife asleep with her mouth wide open, I seize the opportunity. First I unzip my pants, then I pull out my penis...

And then I have sex with her sister.

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Dear Tech Support...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 then uninstalled many other val...

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A sailor meets a pirate in a bar.

They take turns boasting about their great conquests and adventures on the ocean. The sailor is curious about the pirate's peg leg, hook, and eyepatch.

"How did you end up with a peg-leg?" he asks.

"We were in a storm and I was swept overboard. I started climbing back onto the ship, bu...

Donald Trump says US should let China keep seized underwater drone

oops wrong sub

After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort.

While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.

Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pet...

Carpe Diem is a great motto and all...

but if you seize everyday, you probably have epilepsy

I dated a communist once

She told me to seize her means of reproduction

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

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The wedgie I had during yoga class.

Shortly after I moved back to the city I wanted to start up yoga again. I had just come from the mall and bought these adorable little Victoria Secret panties that I had immediately put on. As soon as I sat down in the yoga studio I could start to feel them riding up. I was thinking “shit. How do I ...

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but unfortunately they had always had very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to hims...

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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance ...

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A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican...

A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican are travelling in a hot air balloon when it starts to rapidly lose altitude.

"Quick!" says the Scotsman, "We need to lose some weight, fast."

He throws his case of fine scotch whisky over the side.

"Why did you do that?" says the American. ...

[Pun] Say it in simple English

Chicken: Sir, the chef at this fine establishment is planning to violently seize power and overthrow our government!

Restaurant owner: Can you please say that in simple English?

Chicken: Cookdocoup

A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.

He thought the manager said “Seize her salad!”

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What do you call the ban on same sex marriage?

Rainbow Sex Seize

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

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Trump is a closet communist, and I have proof.

When he says he likes to grab them by the pussy, he's really saying he wants to seize the means of reproduction.

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A man decides to ride his horse into Montana.

So the man decides to quit his job, and ride his horse into Montana, now he just wanted to go to ride, just the feeling of being free, as did his horse, and they created a great inseparable bond. But one day they're caught by a group of native Americans and they seize the man and his horse. They dec...

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A man was lost in the desert

With nobody by his side apart from his trusty camel. The man walks miles and miles, maintaining his needs by eating the flesh of dead animals and drinking from the oasis' scattered across the lands. However the one basic need he is unable to satisfy is the need for sex. After several days the man ca...

A cardiac surgeon is picking up his Bentley from an engine repair.

As the owner's mechanic fetches the car, the owner gets to talking with the doctor and says, "You know, engine repair is a lot like open-heart surgery."

"How so?"

"Well, it's the 'heart' of the machine. It's got fuel injectors like veins, an oil pump like an aorta, and pistons that pum...

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

I was dating a chick from the Soviet Union...

it was nice until she tried to seize my means of reproduction.

An epileptic has started waking himself each morning with flashing lights...

He says it’s part of his new plan to seize the day.

Today, March 26th, is Epilepsy Awareness day.

So get on out there and seize the day!

Why did Stalin round up all the women in the USSR?

To seize the means of reproduction

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The South American Cocksucking Iguana

A man is having problems with his wife. She's constantly nagging at him and he always seems to be in the dog house.


After a particularly big fight, he begins to drive around aimlessly. He passes a pet store and is seized by a brilliant idea. He'll get a pet for his wife! Maybe it will mak...

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The Two Cow Philosophy

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neigh...

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A guy named John was sitting in the back of his French class...

As usual for John, he wasn't doing his work and was drifting off to sleep. His teacher saw this every day, but generally ignored him.

So, as the semester goes by, John does the same thing every day. Then, on one of the last days of the semester, Mrs.Meyers, the French teacher, says to him:...

So a guy buys a TV on finance from a local shop...

However, he didn’t pay any money for it at all. Countless warnings were sent to him, telling him that he must pay for the TV in the instalments agreed to, or they would seize the TV.

The warnings came to no avail. The guy was called upon by the courts to explain why he had not responded to th...

How do you stop an Internet troll?

Seize their memes of production.

Been working on better socializing my dog. Think I've done too well

All he wants to do is rise up and seize the means of pawduction.

If karma was a currency, Reddit would be a capitalist society

But I've figured out how to make reddit into a communist society.

They just need to seize the memes of production.

Goose that gave golden eggs

A hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught. He met a scammer from another village on the way. The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter. Scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg everyday and now hunter must compensate him for his...

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The nervous cashier

It was Tim's first day working at the pharmacy when a young lady walked in and asked him for some pain killers and a pack of tampons, Tim was extremely embarrassed and ran in the back asking Tom the Pharmacist to serve the young lady. After the encounter Tom told Tim he shouldn't be embarrassed, it...

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip..

..and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still mad, she lurches to the kitchen to have a dr...

Did you hear about the communist couple that went to a fertility clinic?

They wanted to seize the means of reproduction.

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A small plane crashes in the jungle...

After a while the pilot awakes, finding the crashed plane surrounded by fierce looking tribal warriors. Upon seening that he's still alive, the warriors seize him, and bring him to their chieftain. The pilot thinks to himself: "Damned, I'm fucked!"

Suddenly, he hears a heavenly voice: "No, yo...

There was this epileptic Roman ruler...

...who was prone to occasional fits. He was also very self-conscious about it. One day, one of his guards (who also suffered from epilepsy) went into convulsions in the hall while the monarch was eating dinner.

Assuming that the man was mocking him, the dictator furiously ordered him to be t...

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Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have ...

A communist girl thought I was cute.

Next thing I know she seized my means of reproduction!

So it turns out that Trump is a Marxist...

... he seizes women by their means of production.

An airplane takes off, and suddenly one of the passengers grabs his chest

The passenger grunts and moans in pain, as he starts to shake violently and falls to the floor. One of the flight attendants rushes to him and screams:

"HELP! He is having a heart attack or a seizure! Is there a doctor on plane?! He is going to die!"

People look around, looking for so...

Why didn't people get laid during Communism?

The State seized the means of **re**production

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Mr Lion goes down to the river to drink...

...and as he lowers his head to the water, Mr Chimp leaps down out of the trees, scampers up behind Mr Lion, yanks his tail to one side, and visits an unspeakable outrage upon the King of the Beasts!

He then scampers away, leaving Mr Lion crestfallen and vowing to revenge himself on the imp...

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A Jew in Nazi Germany Reads a Nazi Newspaper

A Jew is on the bus in Nazi Germany and sees another Jew reading Der Stuermer. He asks him why he's reading that. The Jew with the paper answers
"Look, I got plenty of troubles at home and at work. The only time I can relax is on the bus. You think I want to read stories like 'Synagogues Vandali...

I didn't realise Trump had a communist streak, but...

His call for people of the world to seize the means of reproduction was rather stirring!

The Epileptic Employee

Three brothers, Tom Meens, Jerry Meens, and Sam Meens, are all managers of a toy factory.

Tom manages the call center reps, Jerry manages the production line, and Sam manages the fulfillment department.

One day in the break room, an employee having lunch at the same time as Jerry, i...

Why does Donald Trump put his name on his buildings?

So the banks know which ones to seize

Pirates

The FBI seize a collection of pirated movies.

The movies were Footloose, dirty dancing, ferris bueller's day off, ghost busters and the breakfast club.

As the pirate sees his beloved movies taken away from him, he cries

"ARGH! Me eighties!"

It's time to act now

Let's stage a socialist takeover of Broadway and seize the means of productions!

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Jew sits on a bus in Nazi Germany and reads a Nazi newspaper.

Someone sitting next to him asks "Why are you, a Jew, reading a Nazi newspaper?" The Jew answers "Look, I'm broke, I hate my job. my wife's a terror, and my children are brats. But I get to ride the bus half an hour every day and read the paper. What should I do? Read the Jewish papers, with stories...

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Saw an Iranian joke and I want to share my favorite.

An ensemble of musicians is auditioning for a caliph's court. After the ensemble is ushered in, they perform a beautiful set lasting approximately an hour, complete with long improvisations. The caliph is very pleased and says, "Servants! I order you to fill these men's music instruments with pricel...

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