Carpe Diem is a great motto and all...

but if you seize everyday, you probably have epilepsy

Why do so many tyrants try to seize power?

Because when they heard: "Watt is the meaning of life", they didn't think it was a question.

What do you call that friend who will always seize the opportunity to run a Dungeons & Dragons game for your group?

A Carpe D.M

A communist, like Karl Marx, says to seize the means of production...

Capitalist Donald Trump however, prefers to seize the means of reproduction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I ever see my wife asleep with her mouth wide open, I seize the opportunity. First I unzip my pants, then I pull out my penis...

And then I have sex with her sister.

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

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Seize the means of production

Or as we say in America, "Grab 'em by the pussy."

Stalin's political career didn't really take off, until he played the trump card

-Seize the means of reproduction!

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

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What do you call the ban on same sex marriage?

Rainbow Sex Seize

Why are so many young people turning to socialism and communism?

Because then they can seize the memes of production.

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A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican...

A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican are travelling in a hot air balloon when it starts to rapidly lose altitude.

"Quick!" says the Scotsman, "We need to lose some weight, fast."

He throws his case of fine scotch whisky over the side.

"Why did you do that?" says the American. ...

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How do communists masturbate?

They seize the means of reproduction.

What does a gen Z communist say?

Seize the memes of production!

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Trump is a closet communist, and I have proof.

When he says he likes to grab them by the pussy, he's really saying he wants to seize the means of reproduction.

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

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A man decides to ride his horse into Montana.

So the man decides to quit his job, and ride his horse into Montana, now he just wanted to go to ride, just the feeling of being free, as did his horse, and they created a great inseparable bond. But one day they're caught by a group of native Americans and they seize the man and his horse. They dec...

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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance ...

An epileptic has started waking himself each morning with flashing lights...

He says it’s part of his new plan to seize the day.

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A man was lost in the desert

With nobody by his side apart from his trusty camel. The man walks miles and miles, maintaining his needs by eating the flesh of dead animals and drinking from the oasis' scattered across the lands. However the one basic need he is unable to satisfy is the need for sex. After several days the man ca...

Why did Stalin round up all the women in the USSR?

To seize the means of reproduction

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Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable pro...

I was dating a chick from the Soviet Union...

it was nice until she tried to seize my means of reproduction.

A cardiac surgeon is picking up his Bentley from an engine repair.

As the owner's mechanic fetches the car, the owner gets to talking with the doctor and says, "You know, engine repair is a lot like open-heart surgery."

"How so?"

"Well, it's the 'heart' of the machine. It's got fuel injectors like veins, an oil pump like an aorta, and pistons that pum...

Been working on better socializing my dog. Think I've done too well

All he wants to do is rise up and seize the means of pawduction.

Today, March 26th, is Epilepsy Awareness day.

So get on out there and seize the day!

So a guy buys a TV on finance from a local shop...

However, he didn’t pay any money for it at all. Countless warnings were sent to him, telling him that he must pay for the TV in the instalments agreed to, or they would seize the TV.

The warnings came to no avail. The guy was called upon by the courts to explain why he had not responded to th...

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The Two Cow Philosophy

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neigh...

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A small plane crashes in the jungle...

After a while the pilot awakes, finding the crashed plane surrounded by fierce looking tribal warriors. Upon seening that he's still alive, the warriors seize him, and bring him to their chieftain. The pilot thinks to himself: "Damned, I'm fucked!"

Suddenly, he hears a heavenly voice: "No, yo...

The nervous cashier

It was Tim's first day working at the pharmacy when a young lady walked in and asked him for some pain killers and a pack of tampons, Tim was extremely embarrassed and ran in the back asking Tom the Pharmacist to serve the young lady. After the encounter Tom told Tim he shouldn't be embarrassed, it...

Did you hear about the communist couple that went to a fertility clinic?

They wanted to seize the means of reproduction.

A guy named John was sitting in the back of his French class...

As usual for John, he wasn't doing his work and was drifting off to sleep. His teacher saw this every day, but generally ignored him.

So, as the semester goes by, John does the same thing every day. Then, on one of the last days of the semester, Mrs.Meyers, the French teacher, says to him:...

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A man boards an airliner

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat Mate.

"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it ...

If karma was a currency, Reddit would be a capitalist society

But I've figured out how to make reddit into a communist society.

They just need to seize the memes of production.

Goose that gave golden eggs

A hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught. He met a scammer from another village on the way. The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter. Scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg everyday and now hunter must compensate him for his...

So it turns out that Trump is a Marxist...

... he seizes women by their means of production.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr Lion goes down to the river to drink...

...and as he lowers his head to the water, Mr Chimp leaps down out of the trees, scampers up behind Mr Lion, yanks his tail to one side, and visits an unspeakable outrage upon the King of the Beasts!

He then scampers away, leaving Mr Lion crestfallen and vowing to revenge himself on the imp...

An airplane takes off, and suddenly one of the passengers grabs his chest

The passenger grunts and moans in pain, as he starts to shake violently and falls to the floor. One of the flight attendants rushes to him and screams:

"HELP! He is having a heart attack or a seizure! Is there a doctor on plane?! He is going to die!"

People look around, looking for so...

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Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have ...

There was this epileptic Roman ruler...

...who was prone to occasional fits. He was also very self-conscious about it. One day, one of his guards (who also suffered from epilepsy) went into convulsions in the hall while the monarch was eating dinner.

Assuming that the man was mocking him, the dictator furiously ordered him to be t...

I didn't realise Trump had a communist streak, but...

His call for people of the world to seize the means of reproduction was rather stirring!

Two missionaries are taken captive by cannibals.

The chief of the cannibals says

"You have trespassed on our land and must face trial. For this, you shall undertake the Ordeal of the Fruit."

The two missionaries glance at each other, puzzled. The chief continues.

"Go into the jungle and collect a hundred fruits. Any you like b...

It's time to act now

Let's stage a socialist takeover of Broadway and seize the means of productions!

Pirates

The FBI seize a collection of pirated movies.

The movies were Footloose, dirty dancing, ferris bueller's day off, ghost busters and the breakfast club.

As the pirate sees his beloved movies taken away from him, he cries

"ARGH! Me eighties!"

Why does Donald Trump put his name on his buildings?

So the banks know which ones to seize

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saw an Iranian joke and I want to share my favorite.

An ensemble of musicians is auditioning for a caliph's court. After the ensemble is ushered in, they perform a beautiful set lasting approximately an hour, complete with long improvisations. The caliph is very pleased and says, "Servants! I order you to fill these men's music instruments with pricel...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jew sits on a bus in Nazi Germany and reads a Nazi newspaper.

Someone sitting next to him asks "Why are you, a Jew, reading a Nazi newspaper?" The Jew answers "Look, I'm broke, I hate my job. my wife's a terror, and my children are brats. But I get to ride the bus half an hour every day and read the paper. What should I do? Read the Jewish papers, with stories...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

While walking down the street, a man sees a hole cut in a wooden privacy fence...

There's a sign hanging above it that reads "COCK GOES HERE." He looks around casually, sidles up to the fence, unzips, and slips his dick in the hole. Almost immediately, something seizes it tightly. He gasps and stands on his tip-toes to be able to look over the fence, where he sees two small boys,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A South African, an Australian and an Englishman are all having a drink

The Englishman and South African both drink from Pint Glasses, the Australian from a bottle.

The South African, upon draining his glass, drops in back down on the bar, pulls out a pistol, and shoots the glass.

"In South Africa, there is so much sand that I never drink from the same gla...

Getting punch at a party.

A drunk stumbles into a party and gets in line to grab a drink from the punchbowl. Upon reaching the terminus, he spills the entire bowl all over the table and those closest to him in line. A bouncer seizes him by the scuff of the neck and angrily declares: "Look what you've done! You've screwed up ...

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