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Last week I launched a book aimed at 9 to 12 year olds.

I'm proud to say I hit one of the little shits.

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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, ...

Two aliens are flying near earth~

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."

The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But t...

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

Homer Simpson takes his yellow, spiky-haired son to a bar. The bartender pulls up a shotgun and aims it at the boy.

I regret saying this, but the bartender lives up to his name.

I often get told "aim high"

I don't know though, my aim is better when I'm sober.

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A Chemist, Biologist, and Physicist were captured by Nazis

The Nazis had taken all three scientists to the woods and lined them up on their knees with their hands on their head. They were about to be executed.

The Nazis aim their guns, and the biologist screams "bear". The Nazis turn around expecting a bear, but none was there. The biologist had esc...

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A man goes bear hunting in the woods

He finds a rather large bear and it spots him. He tries to shoot it but misses. The bear swats the gun out of his hands and trows him to the ground. Then rips his pants off and fucks him in the ass.

A few days later the now very sore hunter come back with a much larger rifle and attempts to s...

My ex-wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

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A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

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Taliban commander called a meeting.

-Fellow taliban fighters! Are we a great nation?!
- YEEEES!
- How come we still don’t have a nuke?!
- well... that’s a shame commander! Let’s get one!!
So they got together, built a huge rocket out of tree, emptied some space in the middle using axes, cooked some uranium-235 using old Am...

A man moves in an old apartment

He notices the place is ridden with moths. Not knowing what to do, he calls his mother who tells him to buy some mothballs.

He goes to a nearby store and buys a pound of mothballs. The next day, he goes back and buys another pound. That same day he returns and buy yet another pound.

...

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New sex position.

Have you tried the new sex position? "The Froggy Style."


Much like Doggy style, only you aim an Inch higher.

And watch how high she leaps.

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A man is speeding to get to work on time.

A man is speeding to get to work on time. Once he gets to the bridge he passes every day he sees a cop who has his speed radar gun aimed right at him. Fuck. The cop quickly turns his siren on and pulls the man over.

Cop: "Is there a reason you were speeding today, sir?"
Man: "Yes offi...

There is a sign at the bar that says no glasses in the bathroom

That's really going to mess up my aim...

The Hunter and the bear.

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away ...

Average joke

3 teachers, Science, Auto shop, and Mathematics, go hunting together over their winter vacation. They come across an enormous 6 point buck. The science teacher who saw it first takes aim. He fires and misses by 3 feet to left. The auto shop teacher shoulders him asside and says, " this is how you do...

My aim for next year is to have perfect sight.

That's my 2020 vision.

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One of the first steps toward becoming a man...

One day, the father of a young boy decides that it's time to teach his son how to pee standing up.

"Alright, son, this is one thing that will help you become a man. It's a privilege we have that women do not, so it's important to take advantage of it. All you have to do is follow these nine s...

I would say your aim is cancer

But cancer actually kills people.

The other night I tried to kill a vampire with a really big pointy stick, but my aim was terrible.

It was a giant missed stake.

A man goed bear hunting for the first time in a long while...

Hiding in the woods he spots a bear through the scope of his hunting rifle. He aims... shoots... and hits the bear!

Excited to hit the bear in one shot he grabs his gear and runs over to where te bear was hit. But to his disappointed, the bear is not there and not a single trace of blood can ...

Best YO MAMA JOKE ACCORDING TO ME

yo mama is so stupid that she went for an archery contest and aimed for the ground and missed

Three men go hunting. One is kind of tipsy, one is just plain drunk, the third one however is so smashed, he can barely hold himself upright.

They lay on the lookout and wait. At some point later they make out a big deer with beautiful antlers.

The one who is the least drunk levels his gun, takes a shot, but misses. The second most drunk guy does the same, but he misses too. The deer is now running towards them. The third guy, who...

An apple a day keeps the doctor away

That, however, depends on how good your aim is

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A man asks his hunter friend to take him on a trip

It's a rather cold and windy day so the man asks his friend: "How do you bear this freezing cold?"
His friend replies: "I just take one of these." and hands him a flask of whiskey.The wind gets stronger and still nothing to shoot in sight, so they help themselves out to a couple of more shots. ...

the importance of aim

so there were these twins who had grown up with a relatively religious christian upbringing. good kids, loved playing golf for fun. now, these twins tried acid in college and had super opposite reactions - one became atheistic and the other joined the clergy. however, as time passed they both still ...

Batman is so scary, even bullets are afraid to hit him.

That's why they aimed for his parents.

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

Why do snipers close 1 eye when aiming?

If they closed both they wouldnt be able to see

My aim is to make everyone laugh before I die...

Because I already know everyone will laugh at my funeral.

Soviet Curfew

A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.

“What did you...

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A resident of Stockholm goes to the countryside to hunt ducks.

When he sees a duck, he takes aim and shoots. But the bird falls on a farmer's farm, and he won't hand over the prey. "That's my bird," the townsman insists on his right. The farmer suggests settling the dispute with a kick in the abdomen, as is customary in the countryside. "Whoever yells less gets...

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Why shouldn't you get into a pissing contest with a guy?

The guy can aim.

How do you kill two birds with one stone?

Aim really well.

Manners

A man returns home from work late at night. Suddenly when he gets to a very dark street, a vampiress pops up.

"Mwaa ha ha! mere mortal... surrender your blood! and pull down your pants right now!"

The man, both terrified and confused, replies:

"Wha--I thought you guys a-aimed fo...

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What do you call a porn actor with bad aim?

Mr Completely

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[Long] I met a pirate...

At least, I think he was a pirate. I never asked, but he had an eye patch over one eye, a wooden leg, a hook where his hand should be, and a parrot on his shoulder. So I was pretty sure he was a pirate. Also, we were on the boardwalk by the beach, so I figured that's as likely a place as any for a p...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician spend the night in the same hotel.

At midnight, the engineer is awakened by the smell of smoke. He takes a step down the hall and sees a small fire. Thinking fast, he dumps his wastebasket, fills it with water, and puts out the flames. Satisfied, he goes back to bed.

Later on, the physicist is also awakened by the smell of sm...

Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will.

Soldier: Which one is Will?

I visited my Great-Grampa yesterday and found him in tears with emotion

When I asked what was going on, He answered:

So many years ago, I fought in World War I. At some point, I saw a German, he saw me, we both aimed at each other but he was quicker and shot first. He missed me. In shock, I just ran away, never to see him again… or so I thought.

You see, s...

Coach always used to say "Aim for the skies, boy".

He doesn't say that anymore after I blinded myself at archery practice.

Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle.

“Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”

My girlfriend is really mad at me because I have bad aim when I pee...

Apparently I should try harder not to get it in her eyes.

The PPSH-41 is a soviet gun, which a lot of people disliked. It cost too much to reload with a fire rate of 1000 bpm, and had horrible recoil and aim.

Now, this gun is widely unpopular, but it had one upside: in the russian alphabet, “PPSH” consisted of three letters, pronounced “Pa Pa Sha”. In russian, papasha means “daddy”, and so the popular nickname for this gun was “daddy”. My older sister was shot by one during her time in the army, and luck...

Archery

When asked what they are aiming for,

A newbie will say precision,

A pro will say grouping,

And dads will say "the target."

What do you call a greek goddess with no aim?

Artemiss

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A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

Can a ninja aim precisely?

surehecan

What do you call a hero that doesn't aim for the head and requires a rematch?

A Thor loser.

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I was once a part of a nine-member sex cult who aimed to please this one main red-hot guy. I was then kicked out from it but my life still revolves around the main guy and I remain friends with the others.

Guess my relationship with them is Plutonic.

What's the aim of a Jewish football match?

Getting the quarterback.

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The targeted junk email I get seems to be aimed at the wrong guy..

They really need to update their database, they seem to all think I want to own a rolex, am desperately single enough to want a Russian Bride, have a really small penis, mounting debt, and should refinance my home.

Crazy right?

I don't own a home!

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Frank and John go hunting, as per usual on their sunday afternoon

John is blind, so Frank is always there to help him aim his rifle. As they're walking on the woods, Frank spots a deer:

F - (whispering) Oh, I spot a deer!

J - Nice, tell me where to aim.

F - You're basically facing him. Raise your rifle, perfect, now aim a little bit to your ri...

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A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor took his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."

The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left, "I fucking missed again!"...

A man is hitchhiking on a lonely road.

After a good while an old beat up truck stops and picks him up and after a couple of minutes of small talk the driver ask the man if he wants some booze. Sure he says and gets handed a bottle. When he tries to drink it the smell of bad moonshine overwhelms him and he declined the drink. The old man ...

I remember when a YouTuber's main aim was to entertain

Now they're all diss-track-ted

I said to my wife: You should aim to please

She replied: You should aim too, please.

A young Blonde was on vacation in Louisiana

She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I ca...

Aim for the stars

and even if you miss, you might hit some of their fans

My wife asked me: "How do you pee and aim so well with an erection?"

I said: "It's hard."

Three men are about to be executed

The guards bring the first man out & the firing squad gets ready to shoot. But then the man yells “*EARTHQUAKE!*” Everyone runs for cover, & the prisoner escapes.

They bring the second man out & the firing squad gets ready. But then the man yells “*TORNADO!*” Everyone runs for co...

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Why did the Capitol Police not fire any shots?

They didn't know where to aim because there were no black people.

I'm starting a Shakespearean delivery company.

We aim to deliver your parcel tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.

I miss my ex-girlfriend all the time.

I really need to work on my aim.

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."

At this point, several of the children giggle.

"I looked up, and rig...

A fly.

There was once a fly who was strolling around a pond to find something to sit on. So, it strolled down around five or so inches to see better.

A fish was looking over that fly, waiting for the fly to come closer so that the fish can eat the fly. So the fish jumps out the water to eat the fly....

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Be careful of your aim

A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years la...

Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?

They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..

A wealthy lawyer spent four weeks every year in his luxury treehouse in the hills.

Every summer, he invited one of his friends to stay with him for a couple of days. One summer he invited a Czech friend to visit him. They spent a wonderful time there, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.
One morning, as they were picking some berries for their breakfa...

Don't mess with the farmer

It's a Friday, and there are three travelers. They were traveling down the road when it started to storm. They came across a farm. They knocked on the door and a man answered. "Please allow us to stay here for the weekend. We are tired and exhausted." The travelers pleaded. "Okay, fine. I'll let you...

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An Englishman, an American and an Irishman are lined up against the wall to be executed by the Nazis.

The Englishman is first, they put him against the wall, ready, aim …. The Englishman yells out earthquake earthquake!!! The Germans panic and he manages to run away.

The american is next and having seen what happened, as the Germans go ready, aim …. He yells out flood, flood. Again the German...

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Why do policemen aim at the tires of runaway cars?

Because it is fundamental in bringing the vehicle to a complete halt.

Not because they are black. You racist fuck.

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

I always said "Aim for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

But apparently that's not a valid excuse and I can't work for NASA anymore.

At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.

He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot."

Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well.

He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just se...

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A guy from the city decides to go hunting

He spends a bunch of money getting all the right equipment and gear and camouflage outfit, etc. then heads out to hunt some geese. He finds his local hunting grounds and heads out with his rifle. He spends all day not seeing a single animal, and just before he decides to give up, he sees a flock o...

NSFW You lick it, aim it, and put it in. Yet I fail miserably every time.

Sewing is very hard sometimes.

Three prisoners of war have escaped and are running through a forest...

The smart one says, "They're catching up to us! Let's climb up a tree and make animal sounds so they don't hear us breathing."

As the first enemy soldiers pass underneath, the smart one says, "Cheep cheep."

As the next wave of potential captors goes by, the average intelligence POW hoo...

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What do pornstars and gamers have in common?

They both aim for the head

My ex always used to annoy me by saying I have terrible aim for a hitman.

I miss her.

Damn, missed

A Priest and a Lawyer go golfing. The Lawyer goes first. He takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!"

The priest says, "Do not say that or God will strike you down."
On the next hole the lawyer takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed...

Three inmates at the insane asylum gather around the lunch table to plot how they can break out and regain their freedom.

Rudy, the longest standing resident explains they should all meet along the Southern wall at precisely midnight, whereupon he will use his recently illegally acquired hospital issue flashlight to vault them over the wall. Then it’s a short walk across the border into Mexico.

Upon hearing the ...

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The hitman on the golf course (Slightly NSFW)

Three friends (whom we'll call Bill, Fred and Joe) are playing a round of golf when a stranger walks up to them and asks if he can join them.

They agree and discover that the man is a friendly type and they all get chatting. Eventually they all get talking about their jobs and the man reveals...

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.



Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they p...

There were 3 prisoners: Billy, Bob, and Joe.

Billy was smart, Bob was an average human, and Joe was an idiot.

One day, Billy thought up a plan to escape.

He whispered to Bob, "We're busting out tonight. Pass it on."

Bob whispered to Joe, "We're busting out tonight. Pass it on."

Joe whispered to the guard, "We're bus...

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A millionaire makes friend with a hitman

They get alone pretty well so the hitman offers the millionaire his sniper rifle to mess around. The rich guy looks out through the scope and finds out that his wife is fucking another man in his house 2 miles away.
The millionaire gets pretty mad and asks the hitman to shoot them. The hitman sa...

My favorite bumper sticker of all time

I still miss my ex.......but my aim is improving.

Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.

After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior.

"Shoot the ducks!" he orders.

The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks.

Kim stares at him. The ducks start ...

With all the bombings in Kabul, Afghanistan, authorities are planning to rename the city

They’re aiming for Kabum

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A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.


Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

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Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo...

...when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him.

A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!".

The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him.

When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor...

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A man enters a public toilet and walks to a urinal.

At the adjacent urinal to him is a man with no hands, who is really having trouble trying to take a piss.
After a while of noticing the man's struggle, the guy offers some assistance.
The man with no hands thanks him and accepts the help. He asks if he can take out his penis and aim it at the...

Why isn't there a lot of advertising aimed at philosophers?

It's a Nietzsche market

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

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A man walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

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