An 88-Year Old Woman was interviewed by the local News after getting married for the fourth time...

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little ...

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There was a lady that was getting married for the eighth time.

She went to a plastic surgeon and asked if he could make her a virgin again, and if he could do it without telling anyone.
He explained to her that he could and that legally he can not tell anyone about the surgery.
She went ahead and had the surgery, but when she woke up she saw three bouquet...

If any of you on this sub are thinking of getting married soon, consider this carefully before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

My partner suggested getting married to make our relationship more secure...

I suggested we called it our rElaT10nsh!p.

I can see myself getting married, buying a house and having kids but

getting a tattoo? That is a real commitment.

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Elderly couple getting married

An elderly couple had been going out for some time and decided to get married.

Prior to the big day, the woman asks the gent "What about sex?"

He quickly responds, "Infrequently."

She ponders and then asks, "Is that one word or two?"

OJ Simpson was being interviewed the other day. The reporter asked if he'd considered getting married again.

OJ said he had thought about taking another stab at it.

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A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their sex life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.

Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.

A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happ...

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As I get older many of my buddies are now getting married. As I am still single loads of people keep telling how my friends and friendships will change once they get married...

So far I disagree with this sentiment, I am still close friends with all of my buddies, even after they’ve been married for years and years.



But I can say without a doubt that my friends really do change as soon as they become Dads, they immediately become real motherfuckers!

Getting Married In Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter show...

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Therapist: I think you have a pathological fear of getting married. Do you understand the symptoms?

Man: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly!

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

Her friend says, "How wonderful!" Curiosity gets the better of her and she asks, "I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first three husbands?"

The woman replies, "First one ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic!" she gasps. "What about your second husband?...

A couple getting married are standing at the altar saying their vows...

"Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"

A man goes to a doctor for his phobia of getting married.

The doctor asks, "Do you know about any of the symptoms?

The man replies, "Can't say I do."

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A guy, who is not very well endowed, unfortunately is getting married in a week and he’s freaking out...

He’s so embarrassed by the diminutive size of his member, he doesn’t know what he’s going to do.
The wedding night comes and out of desperation, he sneaks a large pickle into bed- and successfully gets through the night. As a matter of fact- that’s how he gets through the next several years unti...

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After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

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After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."...

Did you hear about the Bed Bugs getting married?

The wedding was held in the spring.

A man and a woman are just a few days from getting married.

Naturally, the man’s a bit frisky, but the woman wants to wait until their wedding night.

“Come on!” Says the man over and over, but the woman refuses.

So two nights before the wedding, the man says, “Alright, how about I just stick the tip in? It doesn’t really count. Plus you get an ...

A big Swede named Sven is getting married...

And he got real drunk at the wedding party. Taking advantage of this, his best friend Johann, snuck upstairs to screw the bride in the bedroom.

Meanwhile, everybody was kidding Sven about how drunk he was getting. Finally, Sven went upstairs to bed his new wife. But when he got to the be...

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Three daughters were getting married on the same day

The girls' mother requests for her daughters to stay one last night with her.

Each couple will occupy adjacent rooms down the hallway from the master room, it was a big house.

The eldest will occupy the nearest room; the second eldest, the next room; finally, the youngest occupies the ...

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A Tiger is getting married to the Tigress and the whole Jungle is invited. except the Monkey:



A Tiger is getting married to the Tigress and the whole Jungle is invited. except the Monkey.

After the ceremony, everyone returns to their own place and the newly wed couple are returning to theirs.

While on their way, the Monkey suddenly appears and shouts:

"Hey you ...

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Why do some women stop having sex after getting married?

Because they don't want to sleep with a married man.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 87!"

Me and my girlfriend are getting married

"When?"

Me on 10th June

She on 20th July

I'm really busy getting married

You could say, I am engaged.

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A man is getting married, and wants to impress his bride to be.

So he gets her name, Wendy, tattooed down the side of his shaft. He keeps it a surprise for the honeymoon as it heals and is quite impressed with the work. Although when he's flaccid all you can see is Wy, when he's hard there it is, in all its glory, in a beautiful font. The big day comes, and they...

Why did Egyptian royalty have an easy time getting married?

They had great Pharaoh-mones

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A man is getting married, and decides to get a tattoo to honor his bride to be

He wants to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When he goes to get it done, he finds out that it has to be hard.

As a result, his flaccid penis just says WY.

On their honey moon in jamaica, this man finds himself in the bathroom at a bar next to the local bartender. Rather d...

I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married.

I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!

Me in August, and her in November.

What do you call someone who is misunderstood that ends up getting married?

Mrs. Understood

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A man walks into a bar and says “a round on me, I’m getting married”

“I had to make a difficult decision between 3 women”
The bartender asks “oh yeah, how so?”
“Well,” says the man “I had 3 potential brides so I decided to do an experiment. I gave each woman $1000 to see what they would do with it.”

The man goes on “the first was Lucy. She spent the mone...

Read an article last week that said women aren’t getting married because there’s less “economically attractive” men...

...so we’ve finally reached equal pay.

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A man and a woman are getting married

Coming from very conservative families, they had been completely chaste, never having even seen each other naked.

The day before their wedding, the woman comes up to her fiancé and says "Honey, I've got something to tell you. I've been stuffing my bra, I'm actually very flat chested" and the ...

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher

You'll never need to do it by hand again

My Father used to say that there are four rules for getting married:

You need a woman who loves you unconditionally, a woman who will always challenge you, a woman who you always want to make love to and most importantly, you have to make sure that none of those women ever meet!

An Investment Banker Was Getting Married.

During Wedding, The Wife Vomits.
Husband: "What Happened?"
Wife: "Capital Gains Arising Out Of Previous Investment."
Husband: "U cheated me.."
Wife: "U should know, mutual fund investments are subject to market risks!"

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An older couple is getting married...

An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, "What's your opinion on sex?"

The bride says, "I prefer it infrequently."

The man replies, "Is infrequently one word or two?"

A hurricane is a lot like getting married...

Starts with a lot of blowing, then you lose your house.

I have two tickets to the 2017 Superbowl, but I'm getting married that day so I can't go.

If you're interested in going in my place, the wedding is at St. Peter's church and her name is Laura.

My Vietnamese friends are getting married and graduating on the same day

I told him it was a Nguyen/Nguyen

Just before getting married man went to the astrologer

Man: I am getting married can you please predict my future

Astrologer: First 2 years of your marriage will be like hell

Man: Ok, but what will happen after 2 years

Astrologer: After 2 years you will get used to it

What's the best part about getting married when you're a hillbilly?

You only have to send invitations to one family.

What fruit keeps you from getting married out of town

Canteloupe

My Grandmaster Friend is getting married to his Slav girlfriend tomorrow

He found his Czech mate

What is the first thing stoners do after getting married?

Roll their money into joint accounts.

Why did the melon have to ask permission before getting married?

Because he cantaloupe.

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A woman was getting married to a virgin

A woman was getting married to a virgin, but she wasn’t one herself. She went to her friend and explained the situation, saying that her soon-to-be husband thinks that she is a virgin. Her friend offered up some advice. “Slip a small rubber band as far up your thigh as possible, right as you start,...

AT&T and T-Mobile are getting married!

There will be no reception.

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Getting married for sex...

is like flying on an airplane for food.

All my friends are getting married...

I guess I’m just at that age where people give up.

One of my biggest fears is getting married. I hear that 50% of all marriages...

...last forever.

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Young men of reddit, do you plan on getting married someday? I tell you, marriage is a lot of work, but it's worth it. You will do things you never though yourself capable of...

For instance, someday, you'll fuck a fat woman.

I bought tickets to the world cup semi-finals and forgot I'm getting married that day

So is anyone here willing to get married that day?

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A young Jewish couple was getting married...

As the wedding party was getting ready to enter the hall, they noticed the bride and groom were missing.

After a few minutes the groom shows up with a HUGE smile on his face.

His best man says "dude, I know you're getting married, this is a happy day, but that is quite a smile".
<...

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A virgin redneck is getting married

And her father sits her down for a chat the day before the wedding. After making small talk with her daughter, asking if she was excited for the big day etc. the father eventually announces that he needed to talk about something more serious.

Father: "look I need to talk to you about somethi...

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A man is getting married in a week.

He decides he wants to have his stag party while playing a round of golf. After a couple of holes, the man gets his in the genitalia by a rogue golf ball. Wanting to make sure everything is OK, he goes to a doctor. He asks the doctor, "I'm getting married in a week and my fiance is a virgin. Wil...

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A man is getting married...

...to a woman named Wendy and, as a surprise, he has her name tattooed on his penis, but when he's not hard, it just reads "wy". The wedding comes and goes and they go to Jamaica for their honeymoon. While using the bathroom one day, the man happens to notice that the Jamaican man using the ribald n...

Why do melons always ask their parents before getting married?

Because they canteloupe.

A husband and wife are getting married....

Minister: And now your wedding vows

Groom: A E I O U

Bride: Omg do u ever take anything seriously?

Groom: sometimes....why?

Little Johnny getting Married!

Little Johnny (age 9) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and t...

Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie is getting married."

"Oh?" says the mother. "And how old is Janie?"

"Five," replies the boy.

"Well," says the father, " what are you going to do for money?"

"I get 15 cents a week in allowance," says the son, "and Janie gets 10 cents. We figured that if we put them together we we´d be okay."

...

Did you hear about the honeydew and pineapple who tried getting married?

The court said they *cant-eloupe*

My buddy is getting married.

The date is set for September, 9th. I told him to push it back two days so he'll never forget.

Getting married next week

I told my fiance I'll set a date the day I see the Queen jump out of a helicopter.

After getting married the wife and I gradually stopped making public displays of affection...

... along with all other displays of affection.

An elderly man is getting married to his trophy wife, who refused to sleep with him until they were married.

The night of the wedding the both start undressing at their hotel. When he took his socks off, she saw that his toes were all deformed and bent. She asked "what the hell is that?"
"Tolio" the man replies.
"Don't you mean polio?" asked the women.
"Nope, when it's in your toes its called ...

What's the opposite of running away and getting married?

Anteloping.

A good way to tell If someone is getting married for the third or fourth time...

Their vows begin with, OK look...

A couple crash their car before getting married

When they arrive at heavens gates they ask saint peter if they could get married in heaven saint peter says he will have a look. After six months he returns saying that they can. After one year they go to saint peter asking for a divorce. To which saint peter replies with " DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT T...

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A girl is getting married

She told her guy she is a virgin even though she wasn't. In order to convince him, she stuck a fresh piece of liver in her vagina so it would feel tight and bloody. After the wedding night, next morning, she finds a note saying:

"*We were'nt meant for each other after all*

*PS. Your va...

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