UPJOKE
seizecatchrecapturegetarrestcaptivateseizureretakeacquiresnareconquesthunttake oversnatchactivity

How many Russians does it take to capture Kyiv?

Its ok. Putin doesn't know either.

3 men are captured by a group of Indians

The Indians tell the men “were going to kill you, skin you, and turn your skin into canoes. You have 3 options, we can burn you, drown you, or hang you.”

First guy says, “hang me.” So they hang him, skin him, turn him into a canoe.

Second guy says, “down me.” So they drown him, skin h...

A French spy, a German spy and an Italian spy all get captured

All three spies are thrown into a cell. The captors later come into the cell, grab the French spy and drag him into another room. They tie his hands to a chair and torture him for two hours before he tells them everything they wanted to know

The captors throw the French spy back into his cel...

A man hires a poacher to capture a male gorilla for a zoo.

The poacher agrees but says that his assistant is ill and will need the man to come with him in his assistant's place. The man agrees and so the poacher goes out to the jungle with the man. The poacher brings a pair of handcuffs, a long stick, a shotgun and a chihuahua. They search through the jungl...

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

Al Qaeda has announced that they've captured Russian mercenaries in Mali. If they aren't paid $10 Million

... they'll release the mercenaries unharmed.

Russian POW calls home: 'Mum, I've been captured'.

Mum: 'Where are you?'
POW: 'Ukraine.'
Mum: 'Can you get us a Big Mac?'

The Lone Ranger is Captured by Outlaws

The Lone Ranger is captured by outlaws. They are definitely planning on killing him, but have so much respect for the lawman that they decide to grant him 3 final requests. Upon hearing this the Lone Ranger says that he will only tell his requests to his noble steed, Silver. The bad guys agree. The ...

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So a Russian soldiers goes to a fortune-teller in a captured city...

The fortune teller asks him what he'd like to know about. He thinks for a moment, and says:

—Can you tell me, on which day will Putin die?
—Of course! *shuffles cards* I can see it... *lays cards on the table* I can see it quite clearly... Putin will die on a major Ukrainian holiday. ...

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A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…

The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we’re in a good mood today will...

Taxation of captured Russian tanks in USA

Regarding tax treatment of Russian tanks entering USA:

Please be aware that any Russian tanks entering USA are subject to A-10 accelerated depreciation.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ...

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An American Man, a French Man and an Irish Man are captured by a dragon.

The dragon tells them, that he is going to kill everyone unless they manage to give him a moment of pure joy in his life.

The American takes first and takes the dragon out for a weekend in Vegas. They go for some good mma fights, have some drinks, go play in the casinos and at the end have s...

Three soldiers (an Italian, an American, and a Brit) are all captured by ISIS

The ISIS torturer sneers at each of the prisoners and lets them know that he will be extracting all the information he can from each of them.



The Brit speaks up first. With a stiff upper lip and a staid, British countenance, he looks the torturer directly in the eyes and dares him, "...

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free."

So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.
<...

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A Chemist, Biologist, and Physicist were captured by Nazis

The Nazis had taken all three scientists to the woods and lined them up on their knees with their hands on their head. They were about to be executed.

The Nazis aim their guns, and the biologist screams "bear". The Nazis turn around expecting a bear, but none was there. The biologist had esc...

3 captured soldiers are about to be executed by an enemy firing squad

The first captured soldier is taken in front of the firing squad and is about to get killed.

That soldier gets clever and thinks of a plan: right before the enemies fire at him, he yells “EARTHQUAKE!.”
The enemy firing squad gets confused for a moment thinking there’s an earthquake. By the...

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An African, an American and an Asian guy get captured by tribals in a jungle.

The tribal chief tells them, “We will only let you go alive if the combined length of your penises adds up to 20 inches.”

The African steps up to the plate, whips out his genitalia and comes out at an impressive 14 inches.

The American goes next. He unzips his pants, sticks it out and...

Capturing Gorilla

A guy wanted an assistant to help him hunt gorillas. As he is talking to a prospect assistant he explains to him the process:

We need a net, a gun and the dog for this.

We go to the jungle i spot a gorilla and i go up the tree to wrestle with him and through him off the tree. The dog i...

A cowboy finds himself captured by a tribe of Native Americans…

(Oldie, but goodie joke here)…

Anywhooo, the Natives tell the cowboy since he is their enemy they must put him to death. But, as is their custom, they won’t do so until he has spent 3 nights in their camp and each night, they shall grant him a wish.

As the first day, he says “I wish ...

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Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a Welshman captured by the Taliban

They told them "We're gonna shoot but, you you can have one last request before you go" Welshman said "I'd like a thousand Welshmen singing Land of my Fathers" Scotsman said "I'd like a thousand Scotsman singing the Flower of Scotland" Irishman said "I'd like a thousand Irishmen doing the River Danc...

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

Three western spies are captured in the USSR

Three western spies are captured in the USSR. An English spy, a French spy and an Italian spy.


First they interrogate the English spy but he refuses to speak. So they tie him up, torture him for a day and in the end he speaks.


The same thing happened with the French spy. Initia...

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A tribe of Indians capture a cowboy

They bring him back to their camp to meet the chief.

The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. As is our tradition we will give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die.

What is first wish?"  The cowboy thinks for a moment and then responds, "I want...

It is May 2022 and a Russian army is marching through Finland.

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;

"One Finnish tank is better than 10 Russian tanks!"

The Russian general laughs, as he sends 10 T-14 Armata, the most powerful tanks of the Russian military on the hill to capture it. There is the sound of battle for a mi...

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An explorer a fur trader and a governor are captured by indians

After much debate the tribe elders decided not to kill them but instead to have them participate in a ceremony thereby becoming honorary members of the tribe.

During the ceremony the tribes Chief declares each new member of the tribe must be given a name that represents there true spirit.
...

The world’s greatest supervillain has captured the three best spies, Secret Agents Alpha, Bravo, and Charlie.

As a form of evil execution she releases them into an arena with a pack of vicious wolves.

First, they chase after Secret Agent Alpha, and although he tries to run from them, he is caught and torn apart.

Then the wolves turn to Secret Agent Bravo, and she stands her ground to fight the...

It is 1939 and the Soviet army is marching onwards to Finland.

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;


"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it. There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and they ...

I didn't exactly ace my "capture the wasp" exam.

I got a bee.

Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open.

A terrible, early form of click bait.

Elon Musk has been captured by a fellow billionaire and is now trapped in a medieval rack.

He is to henceforth be known as Elon Gates.

Look! Magic!

One day, an explorer was captured by native warriors and taken to their chieftain, a gigantic man with teeth filed to dagger-like points. Desperately, the explorer tried to think of a way to save him self. He pulled out his cigarette lighter, held it in front of the chief's face and lit it, exclaimi...

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

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3 Explorers are captured by a cannibal tribe...

the chief of the tribe goes to them and says, "If you wish to live and be set free, you must follow this order: Go out into our jungle and collect 10 of a single fruit. Then return here by sundown." All wanting to live, the 3 explorers go off into the jungle.

The first comes back with 10 man...

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler.

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler. After a while, the handler received a letter in the mail. It told her the spy has been compromised, but, before his capture, he'd snuck out some very important government secrets. He'd used the world's smallest memory card to co...

The Lone Ranger’s Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"...

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A Frenchman, Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

After some time they come across a beautiful lake. They all decide to go swimming. Afterwards as they leave the crystal clear water they are captured by the local tribe and brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All 3 of you were caugh swimming in our sacred waters, this ...

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A cruise ship was attacked by a group of pirates. All the men were captured, including the captain. One day he complained to the pirates.

Captain: I haven't had sex for weeks. I need a woman please.

Pirates: You can try the barrel with a small hole drilled through it downstairs. It feels just like having sex with a woman.

Captain: Seriously?

The captain, feeling skeptical, went downstairs anyway for the barrel. Af...

The captured English general and French general

a bash on the French, plus first post here: apologies, but anyway ...



During the Napoleonic wars, an English general (EG) is captured by the French. eventually the French general (FG) responsible for the capturing force faces upto the EG for the interrogation:

FG: i dont unders...

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During the Japanese Occupation, a Malay, a Chinese and an Indian are captured by the Japanese army

The soldiers who capture them bring them to a forest, where they are told to pick 10 of the same fruits and to bring it back to them.

The Malay returns first, with ten rambutans. When he returns, an officer says: "I will stuff these ten rambutans into your anus; make a sound and I will kill y...

The curtain opens, showing a man fighting in a war. Then he gets captured by the enemy, and gets his feet cut off. The curtain closes. What is the name of the play?

De-feeted in battle!

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are captured by cannibals.

The leader says "we are going to kill you and then use your skin to line our canoes. But you can choose how you die."

The Englishmen asks for a pistol and says "long live the queen!" before shooting himself in the head.

The Frenchman asks for poison and says "viva la France" before dri...

Three explorers are captured by natives

All 3 are tied up and displayed in the middle of the village. The leader of the natives approaches them.

"You are trespassers and must be punished. You must choose between death and ooga-booga." The explorers learn that "ooga-booga" is forced sodomy.

"I am too young to die!" the fir...

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German language is easy.

The German language is relatively easy. Those who can speak Latin and are used to declinations, normally learn it very rapidly. At least that is what German teachers say in their first class. They start learning: der, die, das, des, dem, den and the rest just comes naturally. It's amazingly easy! If...

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

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A man wakes up one morning and hears on the radio that a gorilla has escaped from the zoo.

Deciding that this news does impact his life in any way, the man goes outside to retrieve the mail. Just as he reaches his mailbox, he hears very loud grunting above him and looks up at his massive tree next to the mailbox. Up high in the tree is none other than the escaped gorilla, hooting and holl...

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Three men lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals

The cannibal king told the men they could live if they successfully undertook a trial. The first step of the trial was for each to go into the forest and collect ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the three went their separate ways into the forest. Soon the first came back with ten apples. The...

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Captain Blackbeard and his first mate Kelly capture a ship searching for precious jewels...

The ship is carrying three groups: guides, soldiers, and miners. They are transferring the three groups over in three boats. During the transfer, the boat with the guides capsizes, followed by the soldiers, but the miners cross safely.
A bloom of jellyfish passes by and stings the men in the wat...

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An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...

By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in whic...

Did I tell you I am putting together an expedition to capture the legendary Sasquatch?

If we're successful, it'll be no small feat.

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Two guys are captured by a group of barbarians...

Two guys are captured by a group of barbarians, and the barbarian leader says: "We will offer you two options: first option: you die. Second option: our strongest warrior will flick your dick 100 times."

Without hesitation, one of the captured says: "I'll get the dick flicking option, I don't...

Two knights, Harold and George, had captured by trolls and taken to their underground liar.

The trolls leader told Harold and George that if the two fought each other without killing one another, they would both be let go, however, this would come at a price:

If Harold lost, he would have his hands cut off, while if George lost, he would have his feet cut off. And the winner would h...

My best friend Mat and I were captured by wild Indians

We pleaded and begged that they let us go. They finally conceited to allow Mat to take three trials. Ahead of us were three tepees. The chief told us the first had five barrels of fire water Mat must drink. The second had a grizzly bear with a wicked tooth ache, Mat must pull it's bad tooth. The thi...

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land,

and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the ...

A cowboy gets captured by Indians...

So a cowboy gets captured by indians. The indian chief comes up to him and says "ok, we're going to kill you, but I'll grant you three request before we do". The cowboy says "ok, first I'd like to talk to my horse. The chief thinks this is weird but says yes.

The cowboy whispers in his hors...

There was once a man called Ia'Tor living just outside Roman territory. All his life, he was grumpy and angry, to the point that people started calling him Sullen Ia'Tor. One day, a Roman legion passed through his area, and captured this barbarian in the name of civilizing him.

While those around him despaired and wailed as they were trained for combat, he was actually enjoying something for the first time. By the time he first stepped into the arena, he was known as... Glad Ia'Tor.

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The Last Safari

Three hunters are out on safari -- an American, a Brit and an Israeli. They are captured by cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters they can have one last wish.

"What's your last request?" he asks the American.

"I'd like a steak," he rep...

A man is dragged in front of Putin by a soldier

Putin asks the solider "What did he do?"

The soldier answered that the man went into Moscow square and shouted that he didn't like the stupid halfwit leader who caused war to break out, let his army get defeated with expensive military equipment being captured by a bunch of peasants, destroye...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American get captured by a tribe of cannibals

The leader of the cannibals arrives, and says "Greetings, travelers. I'm sorry to tell you this, but since we have captured you, you must die. Furthermore, we must eat you, and make canoes out of your skins, in accordance with our traditions. However, we will be as humane as we can. We will allow yo...

The Lone Ranger was captured by Indians...

And was about to be put to death. The Chief spoke, "Since you are about to die, I'll grant you a wish."

The Lone Ranger said, "I want to talk to my horse."

The Chief thought it was an odd request, but consented, and Silver was led around to the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger whispered ...

I watched a movie about Stockholm Syndrome

It captured me even though i didnt like it at first, but by the end i absolutely loved it

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During WW2 the allies capture a german general a Japanese general and an italian general.

They take the German general first, they take him and tie his hands behind his back. "I'm never gonna talk" he says "we'll see" says the torturers. After six hours of torture the german general confesses everything he knows. They then throw him back into the cell and take the Japanese general and ti...

What will happen if you're captured by quantum pirates?

You'll have to walk the Planck!

Cannibals capture three men

The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and pen so...

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WW2: an Italian officer, an imperial Japanese officer and a German officer got captured

They all sit in a cell and wait to be interrogated by the Allies.
The German says: "My superior genetics will let me withstand every torture! I won't tell them anything!"
The Japanese says: "I will never dishonor my country and tell them our secrets!"
The Italian says: "I guess I'm fucked."...

Two Secret Service agents are intercepting a black box from a terrorist when they finally corner him and capture him

They interrogate him and ask him to hand over the box and maybe he'll live for another day. The terrorist barks, "You'll have to pry it from my dead cold hands!" One of the agents then proceeds to throw the terrorist into a large refridgerating chamber overnight. The next day, the terrorist was f...

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Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.

Am Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are lost deep in a jungle. They get captured by a tribe of cannibals and are told "you can have one request before we kill you, eat you and then your skins into a canoe". The scot asks for a bottle of the finest scotch and, somehow the tribe brings it to him...

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A Soviet Spy has been captured in Nazi Germany, and is being interrogated by an SS officer.

A Russian-Speaking Ukrainian Kapo was brought in by the SS officer to be an interpretor.

The officer asks the spy,

"Tell us what information you have stolen, who you deliver it to, and where you deliver it!"

The Kapo translates this message, and the Soviet Spy responds,

"...

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A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians...

In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want ...

*Ouch!!* *Zut alors!!*

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime ...

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and a Irishman are captured by Isis.

The executioner lines the men in a row and says that each of them can have one final wish. He starts by asking the Irishman what his wish is.

"My wish is to have 1000 Irish tap dancers tapping during my execution."

"Granted." The executioner replied and then proceeded to ask the Scotsm...

I capture lions for a living...

I guess you could say I take pride in my work.

A member of the Inca Indian tribe was captured by the Spanish....

The captain told his interpreter to say this to the Inca Indian , " Tell him if he doesn't tell us where they have hidden all their gold ,that we will burn his feet ".
Through the interpreter the Inca Indian replied " I would rather die than tell you where the gold is "
The captain threatened...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

The allied prisoners

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up a...

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An American, European and Israeli get captured by ISIS.

The captors decide after some discussion that they will behead all 3. The captors ask each of the people what they would like before being executed. The American is asking for a hamburger, the European asked for red wine and the Israeli asked to be kicked in the butt.

All three received what...

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A young boy asks an old man about his time as a soldier

“It was difficult”, the old man says, “especially difficult when they captured our whole squad.”

“What happened then?”, the boy asks.

The old man says: “Well, they took us to a POW camp, and told us we could choose, either get fucked in the ass or get shot dead.”

The boy asks: “...

In the early 1800s three explorers are captured by a Native American tribe

In the early 1800s three explorers are captured by a Native American tribe...A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian. They are all taken in front of the chief. The chief is furious that they trespassed on the scared ancestral burial land but says they would have one chance to redeem themselves. Nex...

A Titan captures 26 Spies of his enemies. Each Spy is given 2 names: They are numbered from 1-26 and are given the alphabet with respect to their numbers. He then proceeds to eat all but one to prevent information from leaking out (He executed that spy). Which spy and why?

Spy#3. He was Spy-C.

I was captured and tortured by an mime

He did unspeakable things to me

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A Jew and and his Brazilian friend go exploring in a jungle, only to be captured by cannibalists.

As the fire is being prepped, the head chief goes to the tied up men and approaches the Brazilian man, granting him a final request.
The Brazilian man says, "seeing as there isnt that much I can ask out here in this wild jungle, I would like to have some fruit."
The head chief complies, and w...

An Italian, American and Frenchman get captured

First they interrogate the Frenchman, he reveals everything in 20 minutes

Next the American goes, and lasts up to an hour until he spills the beans.

Finally the Italian goes, and after a whole day of torture, still says nothing.

Back in the cell, the American and Frenchman ask t...

A cowboy is captured by natives after a long battle.

The cowboy fought so valiantly that the natives decided to give him 3 final requests.

The cowboy is delighted and says for his first request, he wants to talk to his horse. He walks up to his horse, whispers something in his ear and the horse takes off running. A little while later he ret...

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I'm really looking to re-capture my lost youth...

...my basement door doesn't lock properly

A French, English, and Italian are captured by Germans...

A French, English, and Italian are captured by Germans, who want to get information out of them. They tie their legs to a wooden chair and their hands behind it and have all the chairs lined up.



First, they go to the French man. Before they lay a single hit on them, he tells the Germ...

The taliban capture four men; an englishman, an irishman, a scotsman and a welshman

The taliban tell the men they may have one last wish before they die.

The scotsman says "I want 100 men playing the bagpipes".

The welshman says "I want 100 men singing land of my fathers".

The irishman says "I want 100 men river dancing"

The taliban turn to the English a...

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Three men are captured by a tribe of cannibals

They are each told to go into the forest and bring back ten of any fruit.

The first man returns carrying kiwis, and is told that if he can fit all of them into his ass without making a sound, he will be allowed to live. He manages to get four in, but on the fifth he gasps, and he is taken off...

The Joker finally captured Batman

The Joker: Say something funny, or die!

Batman: No you.

The Joker: I... you... how... *laughs hysterically*

Batman: That wasn't funny.

The Joker: *commits suicide*

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Brit, American and Russian get captured by native cannibals

They bring them to a chieftain and he says:

"Each of you get two crystal balls, if by the end of a week you show me something I have never seen, I will set you free".

After a week he goes to check on them.

First he goes into Brit tent. He then comes out and says while it starts ...

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Here’s one my dad told me a few months ago:

Billy the Kid, the great bandit of the Wild West, is finally captured by the long arm of the law. For all of his crimes, he is sentenced to life in prison. Before he is slammed up, the sheriff allows Billy three final wishes.

“For my first wish,” Billy says, “I’d like to make a request to my ...

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Three men are captured by a group of Cannibals.

The men are tied up and brought before leader of the cannibals. The leader says to the men "My people are hungry, but I will let you make your case. Then I will decide your fate."

The first man, hair slicked back and dressed in an expensive suit, begins, "I am very wealthy, and I have founded...

3 explorers went exploring in the Amazon where they got captured by cannibals

The chief of the cannibal tribe informed them that they were all going to be eaten, and their skin used for canoes, but he let them choose how they were to die.

“I’d like to be shot in the head. Quick and painless” the first explorer said. He was shot, skinned, and eaten.

“I’d like t...

3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...

the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as mu...

A German, a Hungarian and an Italian are captured by the Soviets on the Eastern Front...

The three men were held together in a tiny prison cell to await their fate. On the first day the guard came in and called to the German, "Come with me German, let's see what you know."


An hour later the German came back all bruised up. "They tortured me into telling them what I knew a...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.

“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick t...

An undercover Iranian soldier was captured by the US military and was under interrogation...

US soldier : - *smacks the captured soldier* - "who sent you?"

Iranian soldier : - "Madiq"

US soldier : - "Madiq who?"

Iranian soldier : - "Suq madiq!

2 spies were captured by the goverment

They both sat in the interrogation room.

The first spy whispered to the second spy "Whatever you do.... Dont say a word..."

An officer came into the room and asked "what is your name?"

The second spy just looked down for a few seconds and said "jabbaracko"

The first sp...

Three anthropologists get captured by a tribe of cannibals...

The chieftain proclaims to them: "You shall head out into the jungle, and each bring me a dozen pieces of any one fruit, or else we will eat you!"

The three head out. After an hour, the first one returns, carrying 12 Bananas. The chief looks at them with pleasure and says: "And now I want you...

Three men are on a desrted island and get captured by cannibals

The chief of the cannibals walks up to the first man and says,
"We will grind your bones and use them for forks! Do you have any last requests?"

The man says, "I would like the most delicious meal you can offer me."

The chief grants the man his request and grinds his bones into fork...

Three spies, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, were captured in the alps and sentenced to death by firing squad.

First they brought out the brunette and stood them against the wall.

"Ready," called the sergeant, "aim..."

"Avalanche!" yelled the brunette.

As the soldiers ran for cover the brunette escaped.

Next they brought out the redhead and stood them against the wall.

"Rea...

A barbarian warrior is captured by the enemy

He was taken before the leader, and told that he had one opportunity for life: he must survive four trials by ordeal.

The first was to walk barefoot across a trench filled with hot coals.

The second, to drink a full quart of the most powerful spirit.

Third, he had to enter a ca...

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An old cowboy was captured by some Indians and was taken to the chief.

The chief said, "For trespassing on our sacred land you will be put to death in 3 days, but at the morning of each day I will grant you one request."

Two young men from the tribe woke him up early the first morning and asked him what his first request is.

"Just let me talk to my horse,...

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals...

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chieftain has them bound and brought to the village square, where he announces their fate. "For trespassing on our land," he says, "you will all be sentenced to death! You will be killed, skinned, eaten, and have your hides tann...

Two cannibals had captured and killed a clown.

They decided to make a laughing stock out of him.

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Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon

Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon. One from England, one from France, and one from New York. A few days into the trip they encounter some rapids and wreck their boat. They wash up on shore and are immediately captured by a local tribe. The leader of the tribe steps forward and says ...

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3 people stranded

3 people are stranded at an island.

They see that there is a tribe. One of them says " fuck it,
lets just go" and they go to the tribe.


They immediatly get captured and bonded to a log.

First man gets questioned.

"Ooga or death?"

"Ooga" says the first man ...

A plane full of republicans had been captured by al queda

They have posted a video online saying that unless the us government pays them ten million dollars, they will start returning them, one by one

How do you capture a Nicholas?

In a Nicholas Cage.

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An American, a Russian and a Brit are travelling in the Amazon…

….when they are suddenly captured by a group of cannibals.
The chief of the tribe walks upto the three men and asks: “Death, or Ungabunga?”
The American asks: “What’s Ungabunga?”
The chief repeats: “Death, or Ungabunga?”
So the American says: “I have a family and have to get back to them...

I just got an all-organic carbon capture plant for my house.

I just call it "a plant" for short.

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Hitler and his crew were walking down the village looking for people to capture and decided to take a break near the well where 3 remaining people happened to be hiding

Being afraid of getting captured, they came up with the idea to imitate an echo of whatever hitler may shout. And so he began:

- where are these people?

- where are these people, these people, people...

- maybe they went to the forest?

- maybe they went to the forest, to ...

Three men are walking through a jungle when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals.

The men are informed by the chief that they will be eaten, and their skins used for canoes. They are allowed to choose how they die, however. The first man opts for one of the cannibals to break his neck. The second man chooses to down a vial of cyanide. The third man, however, takes a fork from his...

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A cowboy was out riding his horse when he was captured by 3 Indians

The Indians tell him, "We'll give you three wishes before we kill you." The cowboy says, "Okay, well I gotta talk to my horse." So the cowboy whispers in his horse's ear and off runs the horse, through the creek and up the hill and out of sight. Shortly the horse returns with a beautiful naked redhe...

A wise old pirate captain has captured a group of merchant sailors, but he tells them that he will spare their lives if they can answer a question: What is a pirate's favorite letter?

The first sailor, with a smug look on his face, haughtily walks up to the captain and says "Obviously it's RRRRRRR!". The captain slowly shakes his head and says "RRRRRR you kidding me?" before throwing the sailor overboard to the sharks. The second sailor, a little wary now but still feeling confid...

Two jungle explorers got captured by cannibals...

Now they find themselves in a giant cauldron full of water over an open fire. The water is getting warmer and warmer and both of them realize they're done for. So they're sitting there not sure what to do when one of them lets out a chuckle. "how could you laugh at a time like this?" says the other ...

Three men are captured by canibals

The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die.

The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his throat.
The third one takes a fork, starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"

An American soldier captured an Australian soldier in US soil

The American soldier asked

“Did you come here to die?!”

The Australian responded

“No Sir! I came here yesterday!”

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Two boys, Nathaniel and Daniel, are captured by a madman. Daniel is sent into a room with a one way window that only Daniel could see through. On the other side, he saw his friend, Nate, with the madman...

Nate looked very frightened but if they've learned anything together during their years of friendship is that they'll always make it out of bad situations.

The madman finishes talking to Nate and walks out of the room, Nate adopting a relieved smile on his face.

Then, the madman walks...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Italian have all been captured by the KGB

The KGB grab the Frenchman and take him away to be tortured. He holds out for a few hours, but eventually he cracks and tells them everything.

Next they grab the Englishman. He too manages to hold out for a few hours, but then he can't take the pain any more and tells them what they want to ...

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Two guys get captured by a primitive tribe on a remote island.

The first guy is taken to the tribe chief.

The chief says: You have two options: Giri-Giri or death

The first guy thinks to himself: "Anything is better than death."

Guy 1: I choose Giri-Giri

The whole tribe fucks him in the ass for the entire day

He comes to guy 2...

A British Explorer is Captured by a Tribe in Africa

Whilst searching through the jungles of colonial Africa, a British explorer is captured by a gang of savages. They tie him up and take him to their local village, where they tie him to a stake and prepare to cook and eat him.

As the firewood is being placed around his feet, the tribe leader a...

Cowboy is captured

A cowboy is captured by a group of Indians after a gunfight. Because he fought so valiantly, they decide to kill him in three days, and to give him one wish each day before he dies. On the first day, he wishes to speak to his horse. The Indians bring his horse to him, and he whispers in its ear. The...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are captured by a witch

The witch tells them, "If you say something about yourself that is true, I will let you go, if not, you will vanish into thin air"

The brunette says, "I think I'm the prettiest"
*Poof!* the brunette disappears.


The redhead says, "I think I'm the smartest"
*Poof!* the redhead...

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A reporter, a foodie and a commando are captured by terrorists

The terrorist leader tells them that they each get one request.

The reporter says "Well I have been a proud reporter all my life. I would like to make a video and report the situation one last time before I die"

Terrorist says "OK" and allows him to make the report.

Then he asks...

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An Englishman and an American are trekking through the jungle when they’re captured by a fierce tribe of cannibals.

The leader of the cannibals tells the duo he and his tribe will eat them unless they go into the jungle and collect 100 pieces of fruit in an hour. The American and the Englishman agree and they each go into the woods. The Englishman is the first to return, carrying a 100 berries in his arms.
...

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(Nsfw) The lone ranger and Tonto are travelling when they are captured by a band of outlaws

They bury the Lone ranger up to his neck in the dirt. The outlaws ask the lone ranger if he has any last requests before they leave him to die.


"Yes I do, tonto come here a moment"


Tonto comes over and the lone ranger whispers something in his ear. Suddenly tonto makes a run f...

A German, American and a Mexican gey captured by a tribe

An American, Mexican and German get captured by a tribe.

The Tribemaster says to the German: "Choose what we shall put on your back before we start whipping you."

The German has decided: "Pour fresh beer all over me!"

So thats what they did, and whipped the German untill he died...

My sister got captured by terrorists while vacationing in Iraq

But I guess jihad it coming

The Senate committee just released a report about the Cold War.

They found that in response to Sesame Street promoting friendship, racial equality, and care, the CIA captured the Count and forced him to run through truckloads of rice.

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[NSFW] An Englishman, a Belgian & a Frenchman are stranded on an island and captured by a local tribe

Now the tribe leader tells them he will let the ones live who can complete his two requests.


They all agree and await the leader’s first request. So the leader says: “You each must bring me 100 of a fruit of your choice. You must collect it on this island and bring it here within the nex...

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