UPJOKE

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Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age.

The next day she locked me in the cellar.

I received a lovely card saying "get better soon"

Which I found confusing, because I haven't been sick. Should I tell my manager she's made a mistake?

Why do male, Mexicans get better jobs out of college?

Because they can apply for señor positions.

Where do horses go to get better?

The horspital!....lol jkjk they get shot.

I got a job at UPS to get better at comedy...

I now have great delivery but my timing is all over the place.

God should really get better internet for his son.

Its so laggy Jesus died and took 3 days to respawn.

You know how people say if you damage one sense, the others get better?

Well if that's true I hope my friend hurts his hearing.

Because then he'll get a better taste in music.

How do you get better at spelling?

Practiss, practise, practice.

Every time you get sick, slap yourself in the face until you get better.

After some time, you'll stop getting sick because your body has been trained that this is bad behaviour.

What book did the puppet read to get better at his craft?

Ventriloquism for Dummies!

I've been meeting up with a group of alcoholics who want to get better.

We've found we're much better drinkers when we're all doing it together.

I watched a video on how to get better internet...

I'll inform my neighbour right away.

I started microfinancing my money to get better savings.

It just made a lot of cents to me.

"My night's about to get better now that you're turned on."

... said the student to his printer when he finished his essay.

I hinted to my friend that if he wanted to improve his billiards game, he should get better equipment...

...sadly, he took my cue.

I want to get better at grammar so I was reading about the indefinite article.

It went on forever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke older than Internet

One day Joe complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor.’

His friend advised ‘Don’t do that. There is a computer at the drugstore that will diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will dia...

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

Dear Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all ...

Christmas Joke... Three men died....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it o...

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I was leaving for work this morning, I saw that my dear, sweet wife left a card for me on the table. It said, "Get better soon!"

I'm not sick or anything, I'm just bad at sex...

Why don't witches wear panties?

To get better grip on the broom.

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