An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find a manual.

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank...

One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"

At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off...

He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up.

"Evening officer."

"What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?"

"I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the gi...

If you think it's bad that Europeans drive on the other side of the road....

consider that Australians have to drive upside down...

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I don't like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.

It's almost up to 5 TB.

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives a woman crazy?

Money

With how bad Asians drive

I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident

What do gamblers drive?

a Chevroulette

Me: what does a pirate drive?

My friend: a CARGGHH?

Me: no, a ship you moron.

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Why didnt hitler drive with taxis?

Because he was a ubermensch.

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

A PETA member was going to drive himself to a fashion show, but he changed his mind...

...when he found out they would show fur.

What type of car does a cowboy drive?

A Haudi

What car does Whitney Houston drive?

Hyndaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieiiiiiiiiiiiieiiiiiiiiiiii

When the person who invented the USB drive dies...

They’ll lower his coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.

I refuse to drive while on a cellphone and break the law.

So I use a walkie-talkie instead.

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

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What can you say during sex and in the drive thru?

Fuck it, I’ll come inside.

Just paid $350 on a limo, but found out it didn't include a driver

All that money with nothing to chauffeur it

What do you call it when the Enterprise's android science officer drives in reverse?

Data backup

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman...

My wife though I was stupid for saying that I could drive a car made from macaroni...

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

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Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It's called "wedding cake."

What make of car do cowboys drive?

Audi

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in
a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fa...

What do you call a Russian that can't drive a standard?

Stallin'

Just 4 old ladies taking a drive...

A State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself “this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are four old ladies — the three passengers are wide eyed and white a...

I was out for a drive when the car suddenly started shuddering and the front wheel fell off.

I stopped and got out trying to figure out what the heck happened.
As I cross the front of the car I can see the tire is in the ditch by a fence that says, St Clements institute for the insane. I can plainly see that the lug nuts have all come off allowing the tire to falloff the car.
I quickl...

Why doesn't the librarian drive?

He books flights.

What does a warlock drive on the beach?

A runebuggy.

What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner, and someone who drives a Harley Davidson?

Position of the dirt bag.

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

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Do you think only sadists drive VW Beetles?

Just to drive around and watch strangers punch each other.

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I have a very large sex drive

About 1 terabyte

If I had a Delorean

I’d probably only drive it from time to time...

Two veterans are going on a Sunday drive

Two American veterans are driving through town when the car they notice the fuel gage Is showing half empty!


They decided to tough it out and continue their drive, instead of stopping at the nearby, reasonably priced gas station.


So, they carry on, and around lunch time, they’v...

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

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I like when Instagram models post their workout videos. It really gives me the drive and motivation to go and do my daily exercise:

Masturbate

I have a friend who drives trucks

The only things he ever carries are bands from the 80s. Right now he is haulin’ oates.

What kind of car does Pikachu drive?

A volts-wagon.

Why can’t Elvis drive his car in reverse?

He’s dead

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A guy who used to work for me said he and his wife could pick me up at my house so we could drive to an office party together.

About an hour before they were supposed to arrive I got a text from him.

*Love - what are you wearing? Would you like me to bring you a dress?*

I read it twice before realizing he obviously meant to send it to his wife and not to me.

He was mortified.

I would not have tea...

How do you know if a person drives a car with manual transmission?

Don't worry, they will tell you.

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20-Year double-blind university study in Sweden on the effects of diet on sex drive

Have you heard about this new study?

Researchers in Sweden tracked 2,000 couples from the moment they first started dating out to twenty (20) years forward.

Obviously, most of the couples ended up getting divorced, but their behavior and health was still tracked throughout the study....

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A religious man falls overboard in the middle of the ocean and no one notices and the boat drives away...

...So he’s floating in the middle of the ocean and a cruise ship finds him.

“Need help?” One of the passengers says

“No thank you, god will save me.” The man says

The ship drives off and an hour later another one comes. The same scenario happens again the man keeps saying that g...

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A quick pint after work turned into a bit of session. I was far too drunk to drive, so I did the sensible thing and took a bus home.

Fuck knows how I managed to park it!

My wife drives like lightning.

I don’t mean she drives fast - she hits trees.

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One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.

On his way to the lake he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop.

Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?”

“I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?”

With a smile on his fa...

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Blond woman has been stopped by police becouse of speeding..

Cop approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"

Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"

and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink drivi...

To all my friends this holiday season, if you're going to be drinking, please don't drive.

The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus...

Don't drink and drive

You might spill some

Maccas will give you a free happy meal and $134.50 if you go through the drive through dressed as a clown...

With a gun

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“What car do you drive?” “

“A little corsa”
“What fucking car do you drive, dickhead?”

A city guy drives into the country and sees some ducks at pond...

He walks up to the ducks and asks them their name and what they’re up to.

The first duck says “Hi, my name is Quack and I’m just blowing bubbles.”

The man then goes to the second duck and the duck says “Hi, my name is Quack Quack and I’m just blowing bubbles.”

So, when the man g...

What kind of car does Master Yoda drive?

A Volkswagen Jedi.

I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.

Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You shoul...

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Why do you drive a Porche? (Long)

One day an elephant was walking in the woods when he fell into a hunter's pit. The elephant couldn't escape and started to call out for help, luckily there was a mouse nearby that heard him.

The mouse goes over to the elephant and asks, "What is wrong Mr. Elephant?"

"I fell into this ...

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Everyday Mom would take her 7 year Old Daughter for a drive in her car.

One day Mom was busy so Dad took the little girl for a drive.

Later Mom asked how was a drive with Dad?

Daughter: It was very strange. In the entire drive we did not see a single:

Idiot,
Nonsense,
Hell,
Bastard.

We Just Saw:

Hot,
Damn,
Wow,
Foxy...

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A Japanese man, French man and a redneck are sitting at a bar. The subject get around to sex and what they to drive their wife crazy.

The Japanese man: After we make love, I softly massage my wife's breasts. It drives her crazy.

The French man: After we make love, I kiss her eyes, then her breasts, then her sweet spot. It drives her crazy.

The redneck: After I jump the old ladies bones, I get up and wipe my dick of...

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Scientists Discover Food That Lowers Womens' Sex Drive By 90 Percent

'Wedding Cake'

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it

The creator of the USB flash drive died today.

He was lowered into his coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.

Had to drive my girlfriend to the optometrist because she was having issues with her vision

Turns out she was seeing other people

Two blondes froze to death at the drive-in theater.

They were there to see "Closed for Winter."

A man stumbles out of a bar just before closing time.

An officer was already outside, waiting for drink-drivers. She watches as the man nearly trips down the stairs outside the bar, stagger over to his car, and fumble in his pocket for his keys.

Looks like I've got one, the officer thinks to herself.

15 minutes later, closing time finally...

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda. But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :

For I did not speak of my own Accord.

"He drives a 300k vehicle. He must be rich."

Woman: So what do you do for a living?

Man: I drive a bus.

A blond woman drives by a cornfield.

While driving, she looks out her window and saw that in the middle of the cornfield was another blond woman, sitting in a boat, and rowing as if the boat was in water.

The blond in the car was amazed by what a stupid thing she was looking at. So she stops her car, gets out, and yells "It's bl...

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Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

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Why does Hitler like external hard drives?

Because they're not C:\\

What do you call a mexican guy that drives stick shift?

Emanuel.

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A nurse in a mental institution goes to check on Charlie, one of the inmates and finds him sitting up in bed, pretending to drive a car. She asks, "Are you okay Charlie?" Charlie replies, "I can't talk right now! I'm busy driving to London for a meeting!"

So the nurse closes the door and goes to check on Bob in the next room.

She finds Bob sitting up in his bed, wanking furiously.

"Bob, what are you doing?!" asks the nurse.

Bob grunts, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife! He's gone to London for a meeting!"

When my girlfriend drives and I'm the passenger, I don't think she's a terrible driver...

I think, "At least we'll die together."

Where does algae drive their cars?

On the rhodophyta.

In England they drive on the left side of the road.

In new England you drive on what's left of the road.

Women are actually turning into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning.

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3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

Women are allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia now, however they can only turn left ...

Because you know... There are no women's rights there...

In this age of Teslas and other eco-conscious cars, what would Jesus drive?

Duh, a Christler.

What do rich, blind, Asians drive?

Cataracts

What is the band “Foreigner’s” favourite car to drive?

4 -Runner

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

‘What are you doing out here at three o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right...

On a casual drive from drinking a blond, red, and black haired women died in a car crash.

When they died God said to them that they could get into heaven if they could climb 100 steps with jokes inscribed on them and never laugh. So they started their ascend. Unfortunately the black haired woman laughed on the 21st step and fell off the steps to heaven. The red head laughed on the 43rd s...

A blonde dyes her hair brown and goes for a drive in the countryside

While she is driving, she stops for a shepherd who is crossing with some sheep.
She asks,"If I can guess the amount of sheep you have, can I keep one?"
The shepherd replies,"Sure, why not"
So the blonde (now brunette) thinks for a while and says,"261"
The number is right, so the shepherd...

What does it say on a Russian USB drive?

Putin

(Dark humor) Don't drink and drive

John Baker was 17 and hot headed. An underage drinkers and a hardcore partier, his parents were always furious with him for this. They tried keeping him from going out, but nothing seemed to work. The last straw was when John got caught driving drunk. The car was a wreck, and John was in even worse ...

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

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An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights.

He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.

"Well, you started it" says the Is...

What kind of cars do foreigners drive?

4Runners.

German couple on the Autobahn. He drives, she wakes up after a nap, looks over and asks him:"Why are you going 180kph??"

"Because the road looks slippery."

The French recently invented a tank with 13 separate gears, but only 1 of which drives the tank forward.

Just in case the enemy attacks from behind.

I saw that new Queen film at a drive in and there was a terrible electrical storm during the show...

Thunderbolts and lightning! Very, very frightening!

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What do you call a drive-by done by a group of homosexuals?

A fruit roll up

How do you teach someone to drive in only 5 minutes?

By offering a crash-course.

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When a guy drives an excessively loud motorcycle or muscle car we know what they’re compensating for...

...they must have a really quiet penis.

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