I make my entire department get the bus to work. It's way more environmentally friendly than those huge gas guzzlers we drive.

Makes it hard to get to the fires on time though.

A man and his family are driving along when they're pulled over by a policeman who informs them that they're the one-millionth car to drive past his checkout, and hands them a prize check for 1000 dollars.

"What are you going to do with your winnings?" Asks the policeman.
"I think I'll use it to finally get some driving lessons!" says the husband
"Don't listen to him, he's drunk!" Barks the wife, which wakes the mother-in-law in the backseat
Upon seeing the policeman, she exclaims "Gah,...

It’s probably not safe for me to drive my car right now.

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

What does an electrician drive?

A Voltswagen

Why do British people drive on the left?

Because they have no rights.

I saw a sign while driving saying ”put your phone down and drive” and it was right of course

it is a lot easier to text while looking down.

A magician was driving down the the street...

And poof, he turns into a driveway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I drive a Vulva

and it's due for a Cervix.

Just letting you guys know you shouldn’t drink and drive

You might spill your drink

Did you hear about the big fight last night at the Long John Silvers drive-thru?

Battered fish were everywhere.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

B̶e̶c̶a̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶s̶h̶e̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶w̶o̶m̶a̶n̶.̶


Because she is dead

Have you ever noticed that someone driving slower than you is an idiot

and anyone who drives faster is "A fcuking idiot"

If you don't like the way I drive ...

Stay off the sidewalk!!

Why couldn’t the self-driving car start after its interface update?

It didn’t download the right drivers

Terrorist groups in the Middle East have started surgically implanting improvised explosive devices inside the cattle that they drive through town on the way to market

The UN has described this practice as abominable.

Click for hint: >!(hint - say it out loud)!<

Why do banks have drive thru windows?

So the cars can meet their real owners.

I figured out why lazy people are going to love self-driving cars.

It's because they have no drive.

What do you call a Russian who can not drive stick

Stallin!

When using Waze as GPS, if you drive by an accident where someone died, do you mark that down as an 'accident', or as 'roadkill'?

I know, too dark...

Late night we were driving home when one of my drunk friends was cracking jokes

I died laughing. Don't drink and drive.

Dad, I drive my lamborghini to school but I'm unhappy

Text from dad: What's wrong?

Text from son: All the other students take a train

Text from dad: I'm wiring you $10 million, then you can buy a train too.

My friend bought a DeLorean, but I never see him drive it.

He brags about it a lot, but I've never seen it leave his garage. I finally asked him "This is cool, but do you ever actually drive it?"

"Sure," he said, "from time to time."

I don't always drink and drive. But when I do...

it's when I'm playing Mario Kart.

What type of car does a cowboy drive?

Audi partner.

You know what really drives elderly people up the wall?

Stairlifts

An Athiest in hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving a taxi in New York City and his passenger taps him on the shoulder and he almost crashes

She tells him, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you." He says, "Don't worry about it this is my first day as a taxi driver." She asks him,"How long have you lived in New York?" He responds with saying, "My whole life but I've been driving a Hearse for 25 years."

An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

A drunk driver drives into a parking lot

and then a lamp post, and another car

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

You wanna know why my bank has a drive-through window?

So that the real owners of the car can check up on it.

At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off...

He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up.

"Evening officer."

"What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?"

"I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the gi...

A tour bus full of seniors drives down a highway…

A tour bus full of seniors drives down a highway, when a little old lady taps the driver on the shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats the g...

When the guy who invented the USB flash drive dies,

they are going to put his coffin in the ground, lift it back up and turn it over, then put it back into the ground.

My car can speed faster than bullets, drive under water and knock down evil like bowling pins.

It's a Porsche to be reckoned with

I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.

It's almost up to 5 TB.

A 17-year-old boy who works part time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of his house in a beautiful Porche

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.

“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.

“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how mu...

If you have two 10GB hard drives and you get another 10GB hard drive, what do you have?

A junkyard.

A blonde is driving down the highway

She is applying make-up in her rear view mirror. Her car drifts into the next lane and trades paint with a pickup truck. They pull off to the side of the road, the driver of the pickup truck gets out and he’s fuming. He asks the blonde if she has insurance and she just stares at him blankly... So he...

I think it’s getting more and more dangerous to drive even though cars are getting smarter.

Seems like every time I look up from my phone someone is trying to run into me.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

Every night I go to sleep thinking, “I’ve got all the drive to turn my life around.”

And every morning I wake up and think, “why didn’t my suicide attempt work?!”

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A taxi driver is driving a passenger

With radio blaring local news. The passenger asked the driver to turn down the radio. After minutes of no response, the passenger got impatient and tapped the driver’s shoulder.

Suddenly the taxi swerved to the left, narrowly missing a car and skidding uncontrollably towards a newsstand, and ...

I used to drive an ice cream truck

Until I got arrested for theft

If you think it's bad that Europeans drive on the other side of the road....

consider that Australians have to drive upside down...

Why did the mountain climber drive into the tree?

Because it was there.

A cop pulled a truck driver over who was driving around with a truck full of penguins

"You can't keep these penguins in your truck!" The cop said "You need to take them to the zoo!"
The truck driver promised to take the penguins to the zoo immediately and drove of.
The next day the cop pulled the same truck driver over. The truck was still full of penguins.
"Didn't I tell yo...

So this guy and his wife are driving home in the rain when a skunk appears...

The guy swerves and strikes the skunk nonetheless. Being an animal lover he stops and assesses the soggy critter. It breathes and he immediately scoops it up. "Quick!" He says to his wife, "warm this skunk in your lap while I drive to the vet!"

"But it's wet and stinky" she protests.
...

Interviewer: What drives you?

Candidate: The bus mostly.
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
Candidate: Missing the bus!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex drive is too high

MY SEX DRIVE IS TOO HIGH

“You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age,” said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

“I know it,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve really got only one complaint-my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?”

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A blonde has been out for cocktails with her friends. She drives off and is speeding down the Interstate, when she hears the wail of a siren & then sees the blue & red lights in her mirror. The police wave her down. So she takes the exit, parks and the police car pull up behind.

The cop nudges his partner and says "She's a blonde, just watch this"
He walks up to her car and indicates for her to wind down her window. She does so.

Cop: "Ma'am, any idea what speed you were doing?"

Blonde: "How would I know that?"
Cop: "The speedometer Ma'am.
Blonde: "Wh...

What type of cars do Missionaries think Native Americans drive?

Convertibles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy drives up to a diner in a Tesla...

Dressed to the 9s, and clearly not hurting for money. He gets out of the car and is accompanied by an ostrich and a cat. The unlikely trio go into the diner and find a place to sit. When the waitress comes to take their order, the man orders the meatloaf, the ostrich also orders the meatloaf, and th...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

Me: what does a pirate drive?

My friend: a CARGGHH?

Me: no, a ship you moron.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It's called "wedding cake."

My dog took a byte out of my hard drive

Now it's in bits

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives a woman crazy?

Money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

What do gamblers drive?

a Chevroulette

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.