This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What can you say during sex and in the drive thru?

Fuck it, I’ll come inside.

If I had a Delorean

I’d probably only drive it from time to time...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It's called "wedding cake."

Why can’t Elvis drive his car in reverse?

He’s dead

Don't drink and drive

You might spill some

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

A blond woman drives by a cornfield.

While driving, she looks out her window and saw that in the middle of the cornfield was another blond woman, sitting in a boat, and rowing as if the boat was in water.

The blond in the car was amazed by what a stupid thing she was looking at. So she stops her car, gets out, and yells "It's bl...

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

My wife drives like lightning.

I don’t mean she drives fast - she hits trees.

Maccas will give you a free happy meal and $134.50 if you go through the drive through dressed as a clown...

With a gun

What kind of car does Master Yoda drive?

A Volkswagen Jedi.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do you drive a Porche? (Long)

One day an elephant was walking in the woods when he fell into a hunter's pit. The elephant couldn't escape and started to call out for help, luckily there was a mouse nearby that heard him.

The mouse goes over to the elephant and asks, "What is wrong Mr. Elephant?"

"I fell into this ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.

On his way to the lake he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop.

Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?”

“I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?”

With a smile on his fa...

Where does algae drive their cars?

On the rhodophyta.

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“What car do you drive?” “

“A little corsa”
“What fucking car do you drive, dickhead?”

What kind of car does an Icelandic person drive?

A Fjord

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.

Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.

Two blondes froze to death at the drive-in theater.

They were there to see "Closed for Winter."

In England they drive on the left side of the road.

In new England you drive on what's left of the road.

What is the band “Foreigner’s” favourite car to drive?

4 -Runner

Why does Hitler like external hard drives?

Because they're not C:\\

The creator of the USB flash drive died today.

He was lowered into his coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.

Women are allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia now, however they can only turn left ...

Because you know... There are no women's rights there...

"He drives a 300k vehicle. He must be rich."

Woman: So what do you do for a living?

Man: I drive a bus.

On a casual drive from drinking a blond, red, and black haired women died in a car crash.

When they died God said to them that they could get into heaven if they could climb 100 steps with jokes inscribed on them and never laugh. So they started their ascend. Unfortunately the black haired woman laughed on the 21st step and fell off the steps to heaven. The red head laughed on the 43rd s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

When my girlfriend drives and I'm the passenger, I don't think she's a terrible driver...

I think, "At least we'll die together."

Why can’t Stevie wonder drive a bus?

There’s no steering wheel in the back of the bus.

To all my friends this holiday season, if you're going to be drinking, please don't drive.

The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus...

Had to drive my girlfriend to the optometrist because she was having issues with her vision

Turns out she was seeing other people

What kind of cars do foreigners drive?

4Runners.

Why can't Hellen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

What do rich, blind, Asians drive?

Cataracts

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You shoul...

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda. But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :

For I did not speak of my own Accord.

In this age of Teslas and other eco-conscious cars, what would Jesus drive?

Duh, a Christler.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

The French recently invented a tank with 13 separate gears, but only 1 of which drives the tank forward.

Just in case the enemy attacks from behind.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse in a mental institution goes to check on Charlie, one of the inmates and finds him sitting up in bed, pretending to drive a car. She asks, "Are you okay Charlie?" Charlie replies, "I can't talk right now! I'm busy driving to London for a meeting!"

So the nurse closes the door and goes to check on Bob in the next room.

She finds Bob sitting up in his bed, wanking furiously.

"Bob, what are you doing?!" asks the nurse.

Bob grunts, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife! He's gone to London for a meeting!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When a guy drives an excessively loud motorcycle or muscle car we know what they’re compensating for...

...they must have a really quiet penis.

Don’t ever drive your car through Bangkok

You might blow a tranny

People often complain about the way I drive on icy roads

They're all like, "Why don't you golf somewhere else?"

A blonde dyes her hair brown and goes for a drive in the countryside

While she is driving, she stops for a shepherd who is crossing with some sheep.
She asks,"If I can guess the amount of sheep you have, can I keep one?"
The shepherd replies,"Sure, why not"
So the blonde (now brunette) thinks for a while and says,"261"
The number is right, so the shepherd...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man drives past a psychiatric hospital...

And one wheel falls off. He takes a spare tire and runs around the car unable to find wheel studs, while patients of the hospital sit on the fence staring at him. The man eventually gets tired and sits down on the road in despair. So the patients ask him: “Can wheel still operate with only 3 studs?...

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven’t ...

(Dark humor) Don't drink and drive

John Baker was 17 and hot headed. An underage drinkers and a hardcore partier, his parents were always furious with him for this. They tried keeping him from going out, but nothing seemed to work. The last straw was when John got caught driving drunk. The car was a wreck, and John was in even worse ...

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

Why does Mr. T drive a Tesla?

Because he pities the fuel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a drive-by done by a group of homosexuals?

A fruit roll up

What does it say on a Russian USB drive?

Putin

German couple on the Autobahn. He drives, she wakes up after a nap, looks over and asks him:"Why are you going 180kph??"

"Because the road looks slippery."

How do you teach someone to drive in only 5 minutes?

By offering a crash-course.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights.

He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.

"Well, you started it" says the Is...

What’s six inches long, two inches wide and drives women wild?

A $100 bill

Why do people drive so fast in New Jersey?

So as to get the f\*ck out of New Jersey.

Women are actually turning into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning.

The disc drive on my DVD player is busted. I guess you could say it has...

Ejectile disfunction.

Why can't Hellen Keller drive?

Seriously I've got her in the driver's seat and everything and she's not doing anything

I saw that new Queen film at a drive in and there was a terrible electrical storm during the show...

Thunderbolts and lightning! Very, very frightening!

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

What kind of truck does Santa drive?

A sleighteen wheeler

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A failing zoo was desperate to drive attendance.

After much discussion, they finally purchased a gnu from Africa.

In anticipation of its arrival, the zoo built a new exhibit for the hard-to-obtain animal. It was a beautiful indoor/outdoor enclosure and contractors worked diligently to meet the deadline of the animal’s arrival.

Unfort...

My grandma died at the age of 91 not knowing how to drive

Apparently

Which hard drive is always the happiest?

Disk C:

I used to drive my infant daughter (who refused to dribk from a bottle) to the hospital where my wife worked as a nurse so she could breastfeed during her lunch break.

I'm no math major, but I'm pretty sure that means that my wife was nursing².

Who did The Fonz call when his motorcycle broke down on the way to Arnold's Drive-In?

Triple Aaaaayyyyy!

I woke up in thick fog and couldn’t reach my Google drive

The cloud was down

How does it sound when a guy in a kilt drives away?

skirrttt.

A blonde girl, Debby, drives behind a truck in her car

She notices that the truck is losing its load, so when both the truck and her car come to a stop at a traffic light, Debby steps out and goes to tell the driver that he is losing his load. She stands next to the drivers door, and says: "Hello Sir, my name is Debby and you're losing your load." But t...

The person who invented the USB drive is going to be lowered into his grave,

Then lifted back up, flipped over, and layed in again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sex drive is absolutely huge....

Currently it's at 10 terabytes!

What type of car does a washed up celebrity drive?

A Mercedes Has-Benz

Pope Francis is super early for his flight and asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while.

So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.
He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Doctor drives by a small town.

A Doctor drives by a small town. He stops at a gas station and notices there is no one there.
A little kid passes by and tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is at the funeral of the owner's daughter.

Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night and goes to t...

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

‘What are you doing out here at three o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right...

Dont Drink and Drive

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy
bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the
curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
T...

The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

Why can communists never drive?

Their cars are always Stalin.

How big is a clown's hard drive?

50 GiggleBytes

A magician was driving a car

then he turned into a driveway

What do you call a dog that can drive?

A dodge.

A guy drives by a bridge and was stopped by a police...

Police: Congratulations sir! You are the millionth car to drive by this bridge since its opening. Here is your lucky reward of $10,000.

A reporter in stand-by rushed in to interview the lucky driver.

Reporter: Congratulations on your win! Can you tell me how do you feel now, and what w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Hummer and a Prius drive into a bar...

The bartender says “What the fuck?! Is everyone okay?”

For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep,garden and drive.

I think I'm being stalked.

Big shot lawyer drives by a homeless man eating grass

A big shot lawyer drives his jaguar by a homeless man in the park, kneeling on the ground, eating the grass.

Lawyer stops, rolls down the window and says "My friend, get up off the ground and get in, you're coming to eat at my place!"

The homeless man is touched but says "I can't go, I...

I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a sign that said "Drive like your children live here"

...so I turned off my headlights and pulled a stealthy u-turn right the hell out of there.

A man drives up to a prostitute

He asks her: "what would your mother think if she saw you here?"


She replies: "she'd probably kill me, this is her spot"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wipe my arse like I drive

Only stop when it's red

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do people with Tourettes drive?

VERY FUCKING CAREFULLY

What happens when an alligator drives a boat?

He becomes a navigator

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I'm offering you my seat, you fucking take it.

I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit

I know I shouldn't text and drive

But I just get so bored when I'm drunk

Everyone be careful on the roads tonight

There will be a lot of drinking so men will have their wives drive for them

Two priests are out for a drive

Two priests are out for a drive, when suddenly they get pulled over by a cop.

"We are looking for two child molesters in the area" the officer says.

The two priests turn to each other and calmly and quietly discuss something for a few moments.

Finally, one of the priests turns t...

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

When you get new tires and accidentally drive over a pile of nails the next day..

The struggle is wheel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Learning about sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching Fast and Furious

It's angrier, quicker and much more to do with family than real life.

Why did the siamese twins go to England?

So the other one could drive.

What kind of car does one drive in the fall season?

An autumnobile. (I made this joke when I was a kid, but it’s OC, so...)

Why did the computer take so long to arrive?

It had a hard drive

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Male Sex Drive Through The Ages

Between 16 and 32: Tri-weekly

Between 33 and 52: Try weekly

52 and up: Try weakly

A girl from work was stressed out that her ride couldn't pick her up, so she asked if I'd drive her home because it was raining heavily and she didn't want to walk home. I agreed.

Once in the car, we got to talking, mainly about everyday things, what we
liked doing, eating, then about work for a bit.

With the conversation flowing, we got to her house fairly quick. She thanked
me, went to get out of the car, stopped for a moment, looked at me and said,
"How the...

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

What does the car say to its new owner as they drive off the lot?

Thank you. I depreciate it.

A man is teaching his son to drive. NSFW

They both get in the car and the son starts to back it out of the garage. Before the dad has time to stop him, his son backs directly into his moms parked car.

Mom, inside, hears the crash and comes running out. "What happened?!"

The dad points at his son and says "it was all his fault...

Why did the blonde drive her car off the cliff

She wanted to test her air breaks.

An old lady drives a car with with her friend sitting next to her.

The car crosses a junction on a red light. The friend looks worried but assumes it was a one-time mistake. When it happens on the next junction she is really worried and asks her friend: "Why do you keep crossing junctions on a red light?" The driver answers "OMG, it's me who is driving?".

A man takes his computer to a repair shop, claiming that the CD drive wasn't working...

The technician asks him, "When did it break?"

"Sometime between this morning and four years ago."

A lion would never drive while drunk.

But a tiger wood.

Why can't women drive 70 MPH?

When they reach 69 they blow a rod.