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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”

He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And what happened to my present?...

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I’m paid to travel

My dates are always upset when I tell them I’m a bus driver

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I think I’m going to lose my driving license

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?"

"It's Alzheimer, grandma".

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After driving for 10 hours, a truck driver get pulled over by a police officer

PO: Do you know why you got pulled over?

TD: No not really.

PO: Come on out I’ll show you.

The truck driver get out of his truck and the police officer pointed to the brokers taillight

TD: Oh fuck boss is going to kill me!

PO: Its fine, it’s only a small fine.
<...

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Why does China always drive on the left

they don’t have rights

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

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What food kills a woman’s sex drive?

Wedding cake.

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police car one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.

As they drove through the streets, they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "You're Passionate."

They drove a while longer and aske...

If you drive a Tesla, but it gets stolen...

...does that make it an Edison?

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2 Belgians are driving through a dark, wooded area

They encounter a roadblock and are stopped by a police officer. The officer looks over the car carefully. He then signals the driver to lower his car window, and says: "good evening, i need you to answer a few questions. You see, we are looking for a pair of serial rapists..". The driver interrupts ...

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Some asshole thought that he could cut lanes and drive over the limit because he had a fancy and expensive vehicle. So I slowed him down 10 miles below the limit

Fucking Ambulances, I swear

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

Have you heard of the new 18 wheelers that can drive themselves for almost the whole trip?

They're semi-automatic!

I think people who drive farming machines have a place.

You could say I'm protractor.

I got a bit bored on a long highway drive and started scrolling through the various voice choices on my GPS.

There was a USA accent, a French accent and even an Australian accent. Then I noticed "Wife mode". So I selected it, and nothing seemed to happen, until about 10 miles later the GPS said,

"So, if I died, would you get a new GPS?""

First Time Driving

It was Josh's wifes first time driving. After they left home with thir cars, while driving, an announcement on the radio goes, " Dear drivers, we would like to let you know that a car on Maple Street road is in the wrong lane. Please be careful." Josh quickly calls his wife; " Anna, be careful. Ther...

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While traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station.

The gas station attendant asks the old man, "Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town."

The old man says, "We're from Nebraska."

Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, honey?"

The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from." ...

I found a note in with my drive-thru order saying there were two armed men in the kitchen.

Thank god for that, it would be pretty difficult to make a chicken wrap with only one arm!

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A family is driving through the prairies their car when they look over and see a chicken in a field running along beside them.

They are stunned, can’t believe this chicken is keeping pace with 50 km/h! So they speed up to 60.

The chicken speeds up and is again keeping pace with their mini van. The kids are amazed and the parents are confused. So they speed up to 80.

Again the chicken keeps up! They are in disb...

What does a cat need to drive a car?

A purrmit :3

I just saw Oregon has a drive-thru strip club. Today, we salute these frontline workers who are taking care of the Beaver State’s residents in response to COVID-19...

Heroes Twerk Here

Two guys driving in the highway with broken side mirror car

The driver wants to switch lanes and tells the passenger: “Can you look if there any car is coming”

The passenger turns and looks back and says: “No there’s no car coming”.

Driver turns the signal on and proceeds to change the line and huge truck hits them.

Driver turns to pass...

If I had the time machine from back to the future I wouldn’t drive it much....

I’d only drive it from time to time.

The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

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A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

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Scientists have discovered a food that totally erases a woman 's sex drive.

It's called a wedding cake.

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

It's probably not safe for me to drive this car.

But I could since bad breaks have never stopped me.

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There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and spitting. She would mutter then spit, mutter then spit. As a man got closer he heard her say "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive" then spit.

He sits down next to her and asks "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

“Well" says the gal "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say 'sure, why not?' He picks me up and w...

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the ...

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The pope is driving in a limousine...

He looks at his watch nervously and then at the driver: "Excuse me but could you go a bit faster, I have a meeting with the president and I really don't want to be late."
The driver responds: "With all due respect your hollynes, I can't go faster than the speed limit or I might lose my licence."...

I was with my wife at mcdonalds drive thru and after 3 mins when they gave her our order she began complaining how agonizingly long the wait was.

Turns out reminding her that last night she told me 3 mins was way to quick was not a good response

A zookeeper is driving a truck full of penguins to the zoo

His truck breaks down, and the mechanic says it will take most of the day to fix. The zookeeper sees a bus, and say to the bus driver "I'll give you $100 to take my penguins to the zoo."

The bus driver agrees, and the penguins are put on the bus.

Later that afternoon, the truck is fixe...

A police officer pulled me over and told me I’m too young to drive by myself, I assured him I wasn’t driving alone.

He didn’t believe me, I had to open the trunk so he can see for himself.

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Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

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My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive

Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.

I saw a man drive through my city with a van full of herbs and spices

He was a thyme traveler

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I need a woman who is beautiful... I need a woman who is a wildcat in bed with a high sex drive... I need a woman who is wealthy...

...and I need these women to never meet.

Remember, men, when your wife declares her intention to learn how to drive,

Don't stand in her way.

What do you call a drive full of sorted data?

Information in formation

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A taxi driver drives a priest home. (Contains swearing)

Taxi driver: Fucking hell these roads are bad.

Priest: Don't say that, say God help us have better roads in the future.

*The taxi driver apologises and continues driving*

Taxi driver: Fucking hell that dude almost killed us with his rechless driving.

Priest: Don't say th...

What kind of car did Jesus drive?

OK. I apologize in advance if you've already seen this one. it's an old joke from the 70's, when there was a gas crisis, and they posted this question on billboards around the South.

So, what's the answer? The answer is that no know knows what Jesus drove, but we know that his Father drove a ...

Religious Grandma Still Drives

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I ...

I took a drive with my grandpa today

When we got back, he said: OP, you’re a natural at driving.

I told him: Yup. I was born behind the wheel.

My mom couldn’t make it to the hospital in time.

Two blondes are driving to Miami for spring break

On a long boring stretch of highway they start complaining about how long it's taking to get there and the driver asks "What do you think is further away, Florida or the moon?" The passenger replies "Oh my God, you give blondes such a bad name. I can't believe how stupid you are, you can't even see ...

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A family of 5 in an Audi Quattro are driving through the south of Italy.

They stop for a ferry to Sicilia. A worker tells them to stop.

The driver says, "Why should we stop?"

The worker replies with, "You know, its illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro.

D (driver): Why?

W(worker): Quattro means 4. There are 5 of you, one will have to stay behi...

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, ...

Kids today will never know how awesome Pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.

Most things escape baby goats.

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I named my hard drive "dat ass,"

so once a month my computer asks if I want to "back dat ass up."

I know a guy who spent half his career driving a train and now he drives an 18 wheel truck.

He’s a semi-conductor.

A salesman was driving the back roads one day, when he saw the strangest thing...

While driving dusty back roads looking for his next sale, this Salesman noticed a chicken was running along side the road. Now, the guy didn't think much of that, you tend to see chickens in rural communities... but this one was strange. The chicken was keeping up with the car, even though the guy w...

To kill a french vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

Why don't city boys drive lifted trucks?

Swaos

Did you know Spider Man can drive without using his hands?

That’s why his name is Peter Parker.

My wife drives a big Ford F-150 extended cab/extended bed. She said she saw another one just like it today and decided to ram into it.

I asked her why the hell she would do that and she said she was trying to make a Ford Fusion.

Schroedinger is driving along in his car...

...When he is suddenly pulled over by the police whereupon they ask him to open his trunk.

The cop comes to the drivers side

Cop:”Sir where you aware there is a dead cat in your trunk?”

Schroedinger: “Well he certainly is now!”

A woman from Ottawa drives all the way to Montreal for a tinder date.

They meet at a local French restaurant. Half-way through dinner her date stands up and prepares to leave. Huffily, the woman asks, “you’re leaving because I’m not French, aren’t you?”. Her date responds, “No, it’s because you’re from Ottawa, and I only eat local”

One day Temel was driving his truck down the road when he realized that his brakes were not working.

Just when he was trying to think of what to do, he came to a fork in the road. On one side, there was an enormous festival, with thousands of people, and on the other side, there was one kid playing with a ball. After thinking long and hard, Temel decided that killing one kid was preferable to killi...

Driving across the country, a man came upon a priest and a rabbi standing on the shoulder of the road, fishing.

Next to them was a sign that read "Turn around. The end is near." The driver didn't like to be preached to, so he rolled down the window and yelled, "Mind your own business, you religious nuts!"





A few seconds later the two men fishing heard tyres screech, then a splash.
Th...

A man was driving on the highway when suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the truck front of him.

Seconds later, a police officer pulled him over for reckless driving. As the officer was writing the ticket, the driver noticed that the box he'd avoided had been full of nails and tacks.

"I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tires!" he protested.

"Okay," replied t...

A German police car is stopping a slow driving car on the Autobahn.

The police officer gets out and asks the motorist why he is driving that slow.

"Well, I drive the speed as of the Autobahn's designation number.", replies the motorist.

P: "So, on the A25 you're doing..."

M: "25, yes. My speedometer gives out the exact number, so I try to maint...

A trucker enters a roadside cafe in the middle of his long drive

The waitress brings him a soup. Meanwhile, three bikers enter the cafe. While passing the trucker, they each spit into his soup.

Silently, the trucker pays and leaves the cafe. One of the bikers then says to the waitress,

'What an idiot! Can't even stand for himself!'

The waitre...

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”



Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on...

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So you know about how men with small penises drive massive pickup trucks to compensate?

I wonder what it means that my daily driver is a bicycle...

I was driving behind a magician the other day

When suddenly he turned his car into a driveway

Two Nuns are driving along a country lane at night.

When Dracula jumps onto the bonnet, “Quick, show him your cross” says the driver, the other winds down the window and shouts, “Get off the car you toothy git!”

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

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A bus full of nuns is driving through the Italian Alps...

When all of a sudden the driver misses a turn and the bus is launched of the edge of the cliff, rolls down the side of the mountain and explodes in a spectacular ball of flames.

A few moments later, St. Peter, who was expecting an easy day, found himself faced with 50 newly deceased and quite...

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women insane?

A hundred dollar bill.

What kind of car do they drive in the ocean? (I made this one up a few years ago)

Mussel Cars

My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver

Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona

when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin ...

A redhead goes for a drive through the country..

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

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