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My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive

Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.

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Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

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I have a USB drive full of porn...

I call it my “sex drive”

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A travelling salesman drives through a small town he's never been to before...

He pulls up at the gas station where an old Native America man is sitting. The salesman walks up and says, "How!"

"Hello," the old Native guy says.

"What's your story?" the salesman asks.

"I have the world's greatest memory. I never forget a thing."

"Oh really?" the sales...

So I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking to long to order. Wow. “Take the high road” I thought to myself.

So I paid for her food.

I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too!

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

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Last night I was too drunk to drive home from the bar, so I took the bus.

Now my wife wants to know what the fuck a bus is doing in our driveway.

So does this policeman.

What type of vehicle does a rural boy with synchronous diaphragmatic flutter drive?

A hiccup truck

An oilfield worker drives past the same farm everyday and always notices this pig with 3 legs.

One day he finally decides to stop by the farm and ask the farmer what’s going on with that pig.

“Well,” the farmer says, “my house was burning down one day and my poor old dog was trapped in there. Full on flames and smoke and that pig ran in and saved my dog.”

“Did his leg burn off?...

What type of car do anime girls drive?

a Nii-san

Why can’t you drive through an Amish neighborhood?

No Outlets.

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside.

Pump attendant who knows absolutely nothin about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two ...

You know, after everyone realized that James Corden doesn’t drive the car in Carpool Karaoke...

...they should have just renamed the show to Car Pull Karaoke.

I'm fine driving through tunnels when I'm on my own. But the minute I have multiple passengers and I drive through a tunnel, it hurts to hold the steering wheel.

I think I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

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A prominent local pastor drives a young female congregant to a remote spot ...

... he starts kissing and feeling her up, then he starts feeling around under her skirt. Just then, the police arrive.

Cop: "I see what you're doing. She's underage. Get out of the car now."

Pastor: "But officer! I'm Pastor Fluff!"

Cop: "I don't give a fuck if you're up her ass,...

What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A CHRIST-ler. Ehh???? Ok. I'll show myself out.

If vegetables could drive how would they fix their cars

Asparagus

I got pulled over for trying to drive my loom to work today...

The cop said I was weaving all over the road.

A woman pregnant with triplets was involved in a drive by shooting

She was shot three times in the belly, and a bullet hit each one of the babies. Everyone survived, but the doctor told the mother that one day, when their bodies are big enough, the kids will have to pass the bullet out of their system.

About 15 years later one of her daughters called the mot...

Joseph Stalin could not drive manual.

He was always Stalin.

Two guys are driving together late at night

They notice a stake in the ground on the side of the road with the letters “RE” on it. “Hmmm” they ponder, “what’s that about?”

They continue on, and they notice another. Then one more.

At this point, the passenger merely sighs out of boredom, and then passes out, exhausted.

Mea...

When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery?

Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

A blonde lady drives a Ferrari on the motorway with 19 km/h

She’s pulled over and the police officer asks why she’s driving so slowly.

She says because A19 is displayed everywhere. To which the cop remarks that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.

Then he asks why the passenger looks so pale and unwell.

She responds: I have n...

Always drive in your dressing gown and slippers.

If you cause a car crash, you can pose as a witness from a nearby house!

I love the look on people's faces, standing freezing at the bus stop as I drive past them.

It's partly why I became a bus driver.

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One day Bill was out raking leaves when he saw a hearse drive by...

followed by a second hearse, followed by man solemnly walking a dog, and then a line of two hundred men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill questioned the man following the second hearse, “Who is that in the first hearse?”

The man replied, “My wife.”

Bill said, “I’m sorry. W...

King Arthur has set on his noble mission to drive away the barbarians

Before he left , he called his close friend,Sir Lancelot.

"My bride Guinevere is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to u...

One time, A lone woman walked into hailed for a cab. A cab had picked her up and they were on their way back. During the drive, the car had broken down. The cabbie had gotten out to attempt to fix the car. The woman then said, "Do you need a screwdriver?"

The cabbie then responded "Thanks for the offer, but i need to fix this first"

What would a bike say after a long drive?

I'm two tyred.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

I really laugh at all the commercials that companies show me when I'm online. Makes me want to drive over there and tell them in person that they're wasting their money.

Good thing I saved 15% on car insurance.

Did you hear about the guy who married the USB drive?

It was love at first byte.

Two friends are driving together in a car when the driver runs a red light

“what the hell is your problem? The light was red!” says the passenger.

The driver calmly responded, “Don’t worry about it. My brother does it all the time!”

They continue driving for another minute when they approach another red light. The driver runs through it without hesitation....

The French Test Drive

An American couple took their honeymoon in France, and they loved it so much they decided they just had to live there. But the costly move left them in financial hardship. Eventually, they did both find jobs, but on opposite ends of the city, so they decided to buy a car.

"This one," said the...

I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a sign that said "Drive like your children live here"

so I pulled a stealthy u-turn right the hell out of there.

Interviewer: What drives you? Candidate: The bus mostly.

Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?

Candidate: Missing the bus!

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a lamp.

After rubbing on it, a genie pops out!

The genie says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported int...

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My friend and I were walking down the street when we saw a beautiful girl drive by and whip out her breasts and shake them at us.

Me: "Wow! That was quite a show!"

Friend: "Sure, but I see that all the time at work."

Me: "You do? I thought you were worked in IT."

Friend: "Yeah. That was just a flash drive."

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money."

The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom.

He stops the first driver and sa...

A witch and her friend enter a race. When they get there, the witch’s ride is already there waiting for her. “Huh” the witch’s friend says. “I didn’t know you drive a stick.”

“It’s a broom, actually.” She says.

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fri...

One day, Lenin and Trotsky went to a McDonalds drive-thru.

After Lenin ordered, Trotsky started to order, but he didn't know what he wanted. He either wanted the McNuggets or a double cheeseburger. After a few minutes of silence from Trotsky, Lenin shouted, "Come on! We haven't got all day! Stop Stalin!"

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An english and an american guy drive through the netherlands

While both guys enjoying a nice drive, the police pops up behind them and activivates their siren.

The englisman behind the wheel pulls over and opens his window. The policeofficer looks closely at both men and says 'We are looking for two group rapists'

The englishman closes his wind...

How do you drive away from a banana?

You peel out.

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What kind of food ruins a woman’s sex drive?

Wedding cake

A man driving gets pulled over by an officer

The police officer asks, "do you know why I pulled you over?"

To which the driver replies, "no, officer, I don't" and the officer explains that he was speeding.

The driver pleads, "but officer, you have to let me go. I didn't even the see the sign!"

The police officer question...

I make my entire department get the bus to work. It's way more environmentally friendly than those huge gas guzzlers we drive.

Makes it hard to get to the fires on time though.

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I can never go back

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his
help to revive her man's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy.

"He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coff...

It’s probably not safe for me to drive my car right now.

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

What does an electrician drive?

A Voltswagen

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