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I don't like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.

It's almost up to 5 TB.

When the person who invented the USB drive dies...

They’ll lower his coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

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I have a very large sex drive

About 1 terabyte

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What can you say during sex and in the drive thru?

Fuck it, I’ll come inside.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know they invented a food that decreases a woman’s sex drive by 98%?

It’s true. It’s called wedding cake.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A quick pint after work turned into a bit of session. I was far too drunk to drive, so I did the sensible thing and took a bus home.

Fuck knows how I managed to park it!

If I had a Delorean

I’d probably only drive it from time to time...

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Do you think only sadists drive VW Beetles?

Just to drive around and watch strangers punch each other.

How do you know if a person drives a car with manual transmission?

Don't worry, they will tell you.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

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20-Year double-blind university study in Sweden on the effects of diet on sex drive

Have you heard about this new study?

Researchers in Sweden tracked 2,000 couples from the moment they first started dating out to twenty (20) years forward.

Obviously, most of the couples ended up getting divorced, but their behavior and health was still tracked throughout the study....

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it

Why can’t Elvis drive his car in reverse?

He’s dead

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner, and someone who drives a Harley Davidson?

Position of the dirt bag.

Why can’t you drive when there are two demons in the backseat of your car?

Because you shouldn’t drive while imp-paired.

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Scientists Discover Food That Lowers Womens' Sex Drive By 90 Percent

'Wedding Cake'

Don't drink and drive

You might spill some

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

A city guy drives into the country and sees some ducks at pond...

He walks up to the ducks and asks them their name and what they’re up to.

The first duck says “Hi, my name is Quack and I’m just blowing bubbles.”

The man then goes to the second duck and the duck says “Hi, my name is Quack Quack and I’m just blowing bubbles.”

So, when the man g...

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A religious man falls overboard in the middle of the ocean and no one notices and the boat drives away...

...So he’s floating in the middle of the ocean and a cruise ship finds him.

“Need help?” One of the passengers says

“No thank you, god will save me.” The man says

The ship drives off and an hour later another one comes. The same scenario happens again the man keeps saying that g...

My wife drives like lightning.

I don’t mean she drives fast - she hits trees.

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Everyday Mom would take her 7 year Old Daughter for a drive in her car.

One day Mom was busy so Dad took the little girl for a drive.

Later Mom asked how was a drive with Dad?

Daughter: It was very strange. In the entire drive we did not see a single:

Idiot,
Nonsense,
Hell,
Bastard.

We Just Saw:

Hot,
Damn,
Wow,
Foxy...

A man stumbles out of a bar just before closing time.

An officer was already outside, waiting for drink-drivers. She watches as the man nearly trips down the stairs outside the bar, stagger over to his car, and fumble in his pocket for his keys.

Looks like I've got one, the officer thinks to herself.

15 minutes later, closing time finally...

What kind of car does an Icelandic person drive?

A Fjord

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“What car do you drive?” “

“A little corsa”
“What fucking car do you drive, dickhead?”

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Blond woman has been stopped by police becouse of speeding..

Cop approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"

Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"

and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink drivi...

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A Japanese man, French man and a redneck are sitting at a bar. The subject get around to sex and what they to drive their wife crazy.

The Japanese man: After we make love, I softly massage my wife's breasts. It drives her crazy.

The French man: After we make love, I kiss her eyes, then her breasts, then her sweet spot. It drives her crazy.

The redneck: After I jump the old ladies bones, I get up and wipe my dick of...

Maccas will give you a free happy meal and $134.50 if you go through the drive through dressed as a clown...

With a gun

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Why do you drive a Porche? (Long)

One day an elephant was walking in the woods when he fell into a hunter's pit. The elephant couldn't escape and started to call out for help, luckily there was a mouse nearby that heard him.

The mouse goes over to the elephant and asks, "What is wrong Mr. Elephant?"

"I fell into this ...

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One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.

On his way to the lake he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop.

Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?”

“I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?”

With a smile on his fa...

What kind of car does Master Yoda drive?

A Volkswagen Jedi.

What do you call a mexican guy that drives stick shift?

Emanuel.

A blond woman drives by a cornfield.

While driving, she looks out her window and saw that in the middle of the cornfield was another blond woman, sitting in a boat, and rowing as if the boat was in water.

The blond in the car was amazed by what a stupid thing she was looking at. So she stops her car, gets out, and yells "It's bl...

Where does algae drive their cars?

On the rhodophyta.

When my girlfriend drives and I'm the passenger, I don't think she's a terrible driver...

I think, "At least we'll die together."

Two blondes froze to death at the drive-in theater.

They were there to see "Closed for Winter."

I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.

Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.

To all my friends this holiday season, if you're going to be drinking, please don't drive.

The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus...

Two fishes are in a tank,

one says to the other: "How do we drive this thing?"

In England they drive on the left side of the road.

In new England you drive on what's left of the road.

Why does Hitler like external hard drives?

Because they're not C:\\

"He drives a 300k vehicle. He must be rich."

Woman: So what do you do for a living?

Man: I drive a bus.

The creator of the USB flash drive died today.

He was lowered into his coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You shoul...

Women are allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia now, however they can only turn left ...

Because you know... There are no women's rights there...

Had to drive my girlfriend to the optometrist because she was having issues with her vision

Turns out she was seeing other people

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Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

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3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

A man spends the entire night getting hammered at his local pub.

After last call, the man stands up from his stool but falls flat on his face trying to walk. He pulls himself up in the doorway of the bar, attempts to stand, but falls flat on his face to the sidewalk. He drags himself to his car and drives home. He tries to unlock his front door, finally gets it u...

Why can’t Stevie wonder drive a bus?

There’s no steering wheel in the back of the bus.

On a casual drive from drinking a blond, red, and black haired women died in a car crash.

When they died God said to them that they could get into heaven if they could climb 100 steps with jokes inscribed on them and never laugh. So they started their ascend. Unfortunately the black haired woman laughed on the 21st step and fell off the steps to heaven. The red head laughed on the 43rd s...

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda. But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :

For I did not speak of my own Accord.

What kind of cars do foreigners drive?

4Runners.

"Heck yeah, I'll marry him! He drives a 400k vehicle, gets paid to travel, and is adorned by the business crowd."

Woman: So what do you do for a living?

Man: I drive a bus.

What do rich, blind, Asians drive?

Cataracts

The French recently invented a tank with 13 separate gears, but only 1 of which drives the tank forward.

Just in case the enemy attacks from behind.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse in a mental institution goes to check on Charlie, one of the inmates and finds him sitting up in bed, pretending to drive a car. She asks, "Are you okay Charlie?" Charlie replies, "I can't talk right now! I'm busy driving to London for a meeting!"

So the nurse closes the door and goes to check on Bob in the next room.

She finds Bob sitting up in his bed, wanking furiously.

"Bob, what are you doing?!" asks the nurse.

Bob grunts, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife! He's gone to London for a meeting!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man drives past a psychiatric hospital...

And one wheel falls off. He takes a spare tire and runs around the car unable to find wheel studs, while patients of the hospital sit on the fence staring at him. The man eventually gets tired and sits down on the road in despair. So the patients ask him: “Can wheel still operate with only 3 studs?...

Why does Mr. T drive a Tesla?

Because he pities the fuel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When a guy drives an excessively loud motorcycle or muscle car we know what they’re compensating for...

...they must have a really quiet penis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a drive-by done by a group of homosexuals?

A fruit roll up

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

What does it say on a Russian USB drive?

Putin

(Dark humor) Don't drink and drive

John Baker was 17 and hot headed. An underage drinkers and a hardcore partier, his parents were always furious with him for this. They tried keeping him from going out, but nothing seemed to work. The last straw was when John got caught driving drunk. The car was a wreck, and John was in even worse ...

Don’t ever drive your car through Bangkok

You might blow a tranny

Women are actually turning into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning.

People often complain about the way I drive on icy roads

They're all like, "Why don't you golf somewhere else?"

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven’t ...

A blonde dyes her hair brown and goes for a drive in the countryside

While she is driving, she stops for a shepherd who is crossing with some sheep.
She asks,"If I can guess the amount of sheep you have, can I keep one?"
The shepherd replies,"Sure, why not"
So the blonde (now brunette) thinks for a while and says,"261"
The number is right, so the shepherd...

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

German couple on the Autobahn. He drives, she wakes up after a nap, looks over and asks him:"Why are you going 180kph??"

"Because the road looks slippery."

What’s six inches long, two inches wide and drives women wild?

A $100 bill

I saw that new Queen film at a drive in and there was a terrible electrical storm during the show...

Thunderbolts and lightning! Very, very frightening!

Why can't Hellen Keller drive?

Seriously I've got her in the driver's seat and everything and she's not doing anything

How do you teach someone to drive in only 5 minutes?

By offering a crash-course.

Why do people drive so fast in New Jersey?

So as to get the f\*ck out of New Jersey.

The disc drive on my DVD player is busted. I guess you could say it has...

Ejectile disfunction.

What kind of truck does Santa drive?

A sleighteen wheeler

Who did The Fonz call when his motorcycle broke down on the way to Arnold's Drive-In?

Triple Aaaaayyyyy!

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An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights.

He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.

"Well, you started it" says the Is...

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A failing zoo was desperate to drive attendance.

After much discussion, they finally purchased a gnu from Africa.

In anticipation of its arrival, the zoo built a new exhibit for the hard-to-obtain animal. It was a beautiful indoor/outdoor enclosure and contractors worked diligently to meet the deadline of the animal’s arrival.

Unfort...

My grandma died at the age of 91 not knowing how to drive

Apparently

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

‘What are you doing out here at three o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right...

What type of car does a washed up celebrity drive?

A Mercedes Has-Benz

The person who invented the USB drive is going to be lowered into his grave,

Then lifted back up, flipped over, and layed in again.

Pope decided to drive

(not my original content, and I cannot remember the whole thing very well, so I may have taken some liberties)

One day, Pope was scheduled to visit a village in nearby Italy, but since it had been a longtime since he had driven a car himself, he decided that he wants to do the driving on this...

Which hard drive is always the happiest?

Disk C:

I used to drive my infant daughter (who refused to dribk from a bottle) to the hospital where my wife worked as a nurse so she could breastfeed during her lunch break.

I'm no math major, but I'm pretty sure that means that my wife was nursing².

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My sex drive is absolutely huge....

Currently it's at 10 terabytes!

I woke up in thick fog and couldn’t reach my Google drive

The cloud was down

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A Hummer and a Prius drive into a bar...

The bartender says “What the fuck?! Is everyone okay?”

What do you call a dog that can drive?

A dodge.

How does it sound when a guy in a kilt drives away?

skirrttt.

Why can communists never drive?

Their cars are always Stalin.

A blonde girl, Debby, drives behind a truck in her car

She notices that the truck is losing its load, so when both the truck and her car come to a stop at a traffic light, Debby steps out and goes to tell the driver that he is losing his load. She stands next to the drivers door, and says: "Hello Sir, my name is Debby and you're losing your load." But t...

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A Doctor drives by a small town.

A Doctor drives by a small town. He stops at a gas station and notices there is no one there.
A little kid passes by and tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is at the funeral of the owner's daughter.

Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night and goes to t...

Dont Drink and Drive

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy
bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the
curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
T...

How big is a clown's hard drive?

50 GiggleBytes

The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

Pope Francis is super early for his flight and asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while.

So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.
He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police ...

For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep,garden and drive.

I think I'm being stalked.

I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a sign that said "Drive like your children live here"

...so I turned off my headlights and pulled a stealthy u-turn right the hell out of there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man drives up to a prostitute

He asks her: "what would your mother think if she saw you here?"


She replies: "she'd probably kill me, this is her spot"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wipe my arse like I drive

Only stop when it's red

What happens when an alligator drives a boat?

He becomes a navigator

A guy drives by a bridge and was stopped by a police...

Police: Congratulations sir! You are the millionth car to drive by this bridge since its opening. Here is your lucky reward of $10,000.

A reporter in stand-by rushed in to interview the lucky driver.

Reporter: Congratulations on your win! Can you tell me how do you feel now, and what w...

Big shot lawyer drives by a homeless man eating grass

A big shot lawyer drives his jaguar by a homeless man in the park, kneeling on the ground, eating the grass.

Lawyer stops, rolls down the window and says "My friend, get up off the ground and get in, you're coming to eat at my place!"

The homeless man is touched but says "I can't go, I...