UPJOKE

Getting Old Jokes

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When you're getting old

An 85-year-old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.“

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which ...

Getting Old

Couple in their nineties are both having
problems remembering things. During a
checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the
old man gets up from his chair. '...

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Getting old sucks

A 60 year old, a 70 year old man and an 80 year old man are arguing about age, the 60 year old goes "man being 60 sucks, I chug water all day long, but I can't take a decent piss when I stand at the toilet no matter how hard I try." The 70 year man says "that's nothing, I eat Laxatives by the hand...

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Getting old....

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, "like sitting around the pool and drinking wine isn't a good thing."

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She is "only thinking of me," s...

You know you're getting old when...

... you start each morning with snap, crackle, pop, and then you have breakfast.

I'm getting old!

I just had my 54th birthday and I couldn't even blow out my candles.......the heat drove me back!



(this is an old Rodney Dangerfield joke)

Mario is getting old and becomes sick

He needs a caregiver to help him get around the house. His caregiver is Horton the elephant.

After a while, Mario is bedridden with his illness. There's a knock at the door, but Mario is too weak to go see who it is. Horton opens the door. Mario asks, "Horton, who's a here?"

You know you're getting old.....

When your wife says "Honey, let's run upstairs and make love" and your response is "I cannot do both".

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I’m getting old.

A dude stuck two fingers up my ass last week.
And insurance paid for it.

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The old gunfighter is getting worried

He feels that as he is getting older he is slowing down, and some of the youngsters are getting damn good. He decides he will consult a “gunfighter trainer” to help him improve his technique and show him the latest tricks.

He goes into the bar, and walks up to the gunfighter trainer at a t...

You know you're getting old when

when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.

Happy Cake Day to me!

You know you’re getting old when if a lady wants you to pay for her “implants.”

She means “dental” implants.

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Guys, you know you're getting old when....

.... your dick doesn't get stiff, but everything else does.

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Getting Old

An older couple is driving down to Florida from New Jersey for the winter. The old lady, who has lost much of her hearing, is pulled over at the Florida state line for driving at a high rate of speed.

The officer approaches the vehcile, looks in and asks the lady, "do you know that I clocked ...

you know you're getting old...

... when your family doctor refers you to an archeologist

America is getting old

it can't get a good election

Getting old certainly has its benefits.

Every birthday party is a surprise birthday party when you reach 80 years of age.

Anti-vaxxer: "This corona hoax is getting old."

Me: "You aren't."

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How to tell you are getting old

When your wife suggests you go upstairs and have sex - and you realise you can do one or the other.

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Man I'm getting old

I haven't fucked a priest in 25 years

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake

But at least now we can see your face

Getting old sucks.

The only safe place to cough is when you are sitting on the toilet.

You know you’re getting old when,

by the time you’ve lit the last candle on the birthday
cake, the first one has burned out.

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My young son saw me taking Viagra and asked what it was...

So I replied, "It's just a vitamin I have to take every once in a while."

My wife said, "You really shouldn't lie to the boy..."

I said, "you're right honey." So I knelt next to my son and said "This is the pill Daddy needs because Mommy is getting old."

This Quarantine is getting old

So old in fact, that is it starting to become a Quaranadult

I must be getting old...

While reading a post about someone asking for "short clean jokes" this one came to my mind and I can't believe I remember it entirely after such a long time... I do not remember having read it here but if it's a repeat ~ I'm sorry...

So here goes...

_____________________________
...

You know you're getting old when...

You walk by 4 priest and don't even get a wink.

How do you know when you are getting old?

When something asks for your age and you have to scroll more than twice.

You know that you're getting old when it feels like 'the morning after'.....

.....but, there was no 'night before."

You know you are getting old







When you have dry dreams and wet farts!

You know you're getting old when...

"at your age" starts to come with negative connotations instead of positive ones at the doctor.

*Based on true events*...

All these antivaxxer jokes on Reddit are getting old

Unlike the children

These jokes about apple are getting old really quickly.

Punch line: $999

one of the nice things about getting old

is no longer having to worry about early-onset dementia

One good thing about getting old and losing memory.

I can hide my own Easter eggs.

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All these vagina jokes are getting old

I apologise if I'm ovary acting

When you are getting Old....

You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

You know you’re getting old...

When the priests don’t even look at you anymore.

My grandad is getting old and he’s “starting to have a hard time with all the stares”

It’s his own fault, I told him not to get that face tattoo.

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"Your mom" jokes are getting old so here's a "your dad" joke to shake things up.

Your dad is so horny that he called 911 to ask for a police escort.

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Handicap jokes are getting old

And quite honestly, they're lame as fuck.

How do you know a palm tree is getting old?

It’s coconuts hang lower than its trunk.

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