What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

How do the riot police get to work on time?

By beating the crowd

You know that weird urge you get to just eat something because its there?

Anyways i lost my job as a gynecologist

I have to walk through a cemetery to get to work

This morning as I was walking through I saw someone crouching behind a gravestone. I said, 'Morning.' He said, 'No I'm just doing a poo.'

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A man is speeding to get to work on time.

A man is speeding to get to work on time. Once he gets to the bridge he passes every day he sees a cop who has his speed radar gun aimed right at him. Fuck. The cop quickly turns his siren on and pulls the man over.

Cop: "Is there a reason you were speeding today, sir?"
Man: "Yes offi...

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charles, I have to tel...

The soviet soldier asked the german how to get to Berlin

Soviet soldier:how do i go to Berlin ?
German: two hundred meters later take the third Reich.

(it was my first english joke ever probably it gonna be the last one sorry for my broken english)

Some people get to experience threesome

Most people get to experience twosome

Guess I'll just have to live with being handsome

A Scandinavian woman get to the hospital to give birth

A Scandinavian woman get to the hospital to give birth. When time come the doctor tell the woman: now push! But since Scandinavian women are strong and built, the baby shoot past the doctor onto the wall an smash to death.

Next year the woman come back to give birth and this time they are pre...

How do you get to the gym at Hogwarts?

Find the dumbbell door.

Is it okay to start drinking when the kids get to school

or does that make me a bad teacher?

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A mum, dad and their son go to the zoo. When they get to the elephants, one walks over in their direction. The son asks the mother “what’s that hanging done”. The mother says “that’s his trunk”. “No behind that” says the son. “Oh that’s nothing” replies the mother.

The son then asks the dad, who says “that’s the elephant’s penis, son”. “Then why did mummy say it’s nothing?” Asks the boy. “Son, I’ve really spoiled that woman”

Take off Your Clothes And Get to Work

A Indian Man runs into his office, wearing only a hat and carrying a briefcase. His boss stops him and says, "What are you doing, man? Do you realize you're naked? Shouldn't this be your day off?"


He calmly explains that he was on a party when suddenly the lights went out. Some voice sa...

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Me: You get to a point in a relationship where you've seen your partner's butthole more than they have. This is a beautiful thing.

Priest: the bride has also written her own vowes.

How does a does a single, lonely man get to a point where he gets so much female attention that he goes out of his way to avoid them?

Marriage

How do demons get to the brothel?

Via the succu-bus.

Why do the police always get to the protests early?

To beat the crowd

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

"The person who answers this last question gets to leave early" said the teacher

"Now what is the sum of three and two, multiplied by the square root of 6 " the teacher asked.

The class began scribbling furiously. All except for Bobby. Bobby raised his hand and the teacher called on him.

"5" answered Bobby confidently. He began to pack up his things and walk to th...

I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left...

...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!

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Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure.

Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.

It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in th...

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This pasta has AoT level writing, by the time you get to the last line everything you previously read will get whole new meaning. Enjoy

.

>!gf is prego!<

>!we like to get kinky anyways!<

>!one night things get particularly saucy!<

>!i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights!<

>!wtf it's red everywhere and she's ob...

How does an Antifa member get to the airport?

They take a-cab

I tried to get to 2nd base with this French girl I met at the zoo

but I couldn't get past ze bra.

A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door

Then struggles to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:

"You were really drunk ...

Being the king of an extremely rich nation can get to you sometimes...

Don't get me wrong, I love the pampering, the amazing food and the world class treatment I get wherever I happen to be. However, it does get a little too much when you constantly see people wait on you hand and foot. I get assistance in almost all the activities I perform. I am a grown adult for cry...

Father to his young son: You should be ashamed. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.

Son responds: Really? Well, when he was your age, he was president.

What's the only job where you get to shave your privates at work?

Army barber

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house.

Knock knock

Who's there?

The chicken

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

"This is our child 모 Lester"

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.”

“Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

“Didn't know how fast you could walk".

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....

I'll return

In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on.

Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon:
'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.'

'Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'

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Chef: "How about you get to work on making the octopus balls (Takoyaki)."

Me: "Sounds good, let's get Kraken"

How do I get to the top of r/jokes?

Piece of cake.

When you get to be a certain age, there are two things you definitely don’t want to do in the same week...

Upgrade your prescription glasses and buy a full-length mirror!

How did the pig get to the hospital?

By hambulence

how do bees get to a mall?

on a buzz

I thought I'd found a perfect way to get to the top of r/Jokes.

Unfortunately the mods won't let me post a picture of you.

After 3 weeks at sea, the captain speaks to the oarmen. "I know its been rough seas, and tough rowing, but I've got some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you all get to change underwear....

...the bad news is, George you change with Bob. James, you change with Bill. John, you change with Ed, Rob you change.........."

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

A new teacher trying to get to know his students.

He asked one of them "what do you do after school"
Student 1: I go home, watch TV then go to Frank the weed guy"

Teacher felt awkward and decided to ask another student.
Student 2 "me, I play football then go to Frank the weed guy"

Teacher was really disappointed but didn't want...

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I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

I was so sad I could not get to the store in time to get myself either an Xbox or a PS5.

Nobody could console me.

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

I get to open the time capsule I buried as a child tomorrow!

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy has gotten!

When i get to work i hide.

Because a good worker is hard to find!

How many compliments does it take to get to a guy's heart?

You guys are getting compliments?

>!one every five years or so!<

Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?

Because they’re not tenants

My maths tutor told me to get to his house at ten past one.

So I turned up at eleven but the place was empty.

How do potatoes get to space?

Using the starch ship enterfries

A tourist on the London Underground asked me how to get to Heathrow via Barking.

So I pointed at a map and woofed...

Three nuns die in a car crash, when they get to heaven, the angel says they have to answer a question to get in

So the angel asks the first nun

“Who was the first man?”

And the nun replies, “Adam”

The angel allows her in and turns to the second nun

“Who was the first woman?”

The second nun answers “Eve”

“Correct, in you go” replies the angel

Then turning to the...

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Be thankful you get to eat enough to produce poop.

Some people don't have that shit.

Why did the cops want to get to the protest early?

So they could beat the crowds.

I'll take this down if people want me to. I don't know where else to post this, so I figured here is ok. How do you get to Germany?

You go straight down the road and take the 3rd Reich.

A man gets a new job as manager of an office and decides to go to each employees house for dinner to get to know them.

First he goes to his assistant Joe’s house. He sits down for dinner and notices that the plates don’t quite look clean. He says “Joe are you sure these plates have been washed?”
Joe answers somewhat offended “they are as clean as soap and water can get them”
So the man decides to let it go and...

Can't wait to get to next year. Thought I could beat 2020.

2021.

If someone pushes you off a 100 story building, how long does it take you to get to the bottom?

The rest of your life.

I try to get to the bakery around 1:50 PM.

That way I have time to get my cake and eat at two.

How does a LGBT Communist get to work?

On their Bi-Sickle!

When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?

Pallbears.

A blind man ask me for directions to get to the bar.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, but neither does the blind man.

For Redditors thinking about getting married soon—consider this very carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring..

On the other hand, you don’t.

When u get to college u get the freshman15 - what do u call the weight u gain during quarantine?

The Covid-19

"Get to work ladies!"

Something that has been said to men more often than women.

I tried online dating recently and it is really refreshing. The ladies actually want to get to know you.

Last night my favorite one was asking me really great questions like my first pet's name and the street I grew up on. She even wanted to know about my mom and her maiden name!

How do astronauts get to sleep?

They just drift off.

I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159

Then it just CLIX.

Jesus is on the cross and he yells “PETER” Peter try’s to get to Jesus but he gets beat baldy and the guards push him back.

The next day Jesus yells “PETER”
Peter try’s to get there and he almost does but once again he gets beat baldy and gets pushed back by the guards.

Then the next day Jesus yells “PETER” and he fights his way through the guards again and he gets through to Jesus.

He says “yes Jesus” a...

Why does a child get to speak in front of the UN?

Or be president, for that matter.

Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection,

do Librarians get to take suppressors?

What time does Sean Connery get to his seat at Wimbledon?

Tennish.

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Two jews that died during the holocaust get to heaven.

One of them says to the other “remember how they strip us down in the snow and made us wait there for 5 hours?”

The other laughs “yeah! Remember how they took your twin kids and preformed lethal surgery on them?”

The first guy laughs again “yeah!”

The two keep laughing as God ap...

Russian to get to the punchline

Why was Putin late for the party he was PUTIN on some makeup!

Why was Stalin late for the party he was STALIN for time!

Why was Lenin late for the party he was waiting for his LENIN to dry!

Why was Trotsky late for the party he got into a car crash.

In a hurry to get to a special dinner party, the guest speaker arrives and sat down, only to realize he'd forgotten his false teeth.

He explained his dilemma to the man sitting next to him.
The man said, "No problem," reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of false teeth. "Try these,"he said.
"Too loose," the speaker said.
The man pulled out another pair.
"Too tight," the speaker told him.
"I have one mo...

If Americans in Niagara Falls want to get to Canada for legal marijuana...

They have to take the 420 Highway!

(It’s actually true. Look it up.)

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Three Guys Die and Get to go to Heaven (long)

So they're waiting for God to get to and judge/reward them. God finishes with others and gets to them. Standing before them, he says, "Alright. You three get to go to heaven. Here's what's gonna happen. You think carefully and tell me what you would really love for the rest of eternity. I will set a...

How do you get to the after life in style?

You take a limbozine

Steve, how do you get to work?

I go by train.

Ok. Train, how do you get to work?

A few friends are about to get to Louisville and they start arguing over how it's pronounced.

One says it's Lewis-Ville. The next one says the locals say Lew-ville and the last one says Lewie-ville. After arguing for a few minutes they see a place to get some lunch. They can't wait to ask one of the employees how they say it to prove who's right. They all go up to the counter and one says, "...

I passed my drug test at work. I'm glad I get to keep my job.

My dealer has some serious explaining to do though.

Really looking forward to the Superbowl this year. We get to see two of the best tight ends on the field...

Shakira and JLo.

“Dad, what’s the quickest way to get to the airport?”

Dad: Terminal velocity.

Why couldn’t T-Rex get to second base?

Baseball wasn’t invented back then.

I’m turning 32 in a few months and I’m kinda depressed about it. I only get to celebrate my birthday for half a minute....

It’s my thirty second birthday...

Three American men are sitting on a beach in the Caribbean sipping their rum and they get to talking...

Soon they happen to inquire about each other's backgrounds.

The first man says, "I used to own a matchstick factory back in California. But one day there was a fire and the entire factory was burned to the ground. I collected my insurance money and decided to retire here in the Caribbean." <...

I saw people waiting to get to the refreshments table at a party...

... and I said, "I guess this would be the punchline."

A man holding a violin asks a stranger how to get to the concert hall.

Practise, practise, practise

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is sexually attracted to inanimate objects, and we rarely get to see him nowadays.

He always has stuff to do.

Isn't it the best feeling when you have been holding it in the entire day and finally you get to release it at the end of day?

I'm talking about emotions.

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A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next say, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, ...

What if you get to heaven and God says...

"Hey, you're finally awake."

They Say The Best Way to Get to a Man's Heart is Through His Stomach...

This is why I'm not a heart surgeon anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the Samuel L. Jackson chicken get to the other side?

It crossed the MOTHER FUCKING road.

The kids in Dubai don't get to watch the Flintstones...

...But the ones in Abu Dhabi dooo!

A Sunday School teacher is teaching kids about Heaven and asked the class their thoughts on which part of them would get to Heaven first.

Little Suzy says it's her heart, because she's so caring and loving. Angie says it's her brain, because she's smart and uses it to help people.

Tommy looks around and say "No, no, no. It's not your brain or heart. I know the answer to this one. It's your feet."

"Why your feet?" asked t...

In line at Burger King the other day, when I finally get to the counter the lady says sorry about the wait.

I said, "don't worry ma'am, you'll lose that eventually."

"I've made a lot of sacrifices to get to where I am today,"

said the Aztec high priest.

how does harry potter get to hogwarts?

he walks


Jk, rolling

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