"The person who answers this last question gets to leave early" said the teacher

"Now what is the sum of three and two, multiplied by the square root of 6 " the teacher asked.

The class began scribbling furiously. All except for Bobby. Bobby raised his hand and the teacher called on him.

"5" answered Bobby confidently. He began to pack up his things and walk to th...

I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left...

...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!

A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door

Then struggles to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:

"You were really drunk ...

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house.

Knock knock

Who's there?

The chicken

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

I tried to get to 2nd base with this French girl I met at the zoo

but I couldn't get past ze bra.

Father to his young son: You should be ashamed. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.

Son responds: Really? Well, when he was your age, he was president.

What's the only job where you get to shave your privates at work?

Army barber

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chef: "How about you get to work on making the octopus balls (Takoyaki)."

Me: "Sounds good, let's get Kraken"

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped. "Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but...

...he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs.

"Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows h...

Why do police get to protests early?

To beat the crowd.

A man rolls down his window and asks a vendor what the quickest way to get to San Francisco from LA is.

The vendor replied, “are you walking or driving?”

Confused, the man says he’s driving.

“Well that would be the fastest way, then.”

In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on.

Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon:
'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.'

'Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'

When you get to be a certain age, there are two things you definitely don’t want to do in the same week...

Upgrade your prescription glasses and buy a full-length mirror!

how do bees get to a mall?

on a buzz

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

"This is our child 모 Lester"

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.”

“Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

“Didn't know how fast you could walk".

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....

I'll return

After 3 weeks at sea, the captain speaks to the oarmen. "I know its been rough seas, and tough rowing, but I've got some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you all get to change underwear....

...the bad news is, George you change with Bob. James, you change with Bill. John, you change with Ed, Rob you change.........."

I thought I'd found a perfect way to get to the top of r/Jokes.

Unfortunately the mods won't let me post a picture of you.

How do I get to the top of r/jokes?

Piece of cake.

How did the pig get to the hospital?

By hambulence

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

I was so sad I could not get to the store in time to get myself either an Xbox or a PS5.

Nobody could console me.

How many compliments does it take to get to a guy's heart?

You guys are getting compliments?

>!one every five years or so!<

A new teacher trying to get to know his students.

He asked one of them "what do you do after school"
Student 1: I go home, watch TV then go to Frank the weed guy"

Teacher felt awkward and decided to ask another student.
Student 2 "me, I play football then go to Frank the weed guy"

Teacher was really disappointed but didn't want...

A tourist on the London Underground asked me how to get to Heathrow via Barking.

So I pointed at a map and woofed...

Get to the bunker, a nuclear bomb is dropping

"You can't force me in a bunker, I am an American, I have rights"

Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?

Because they’re not tenants

When Kenny Loggins was vacationing in Israel, how did he get to Bethlehem?

He took the Highway to the Manger Zone.

How do potatoes get to space?

Using the starch ship enterfries

Why did the cops want to get to the protest early?

So they could beat the crowds.

My maths tutor told me to get to his house at ten past one.

So I turned up at eleven but the place was empty.

When i get to work i hide.

Because a good worker is hard to find!

A man gets a new job as manager of an office and decides to go to each employees house for dinner to get to know them.

First he goes to his assistant Joe’s house. He sits down for dinner and notices that the plates don’t quite look clean. He says “Joe are you sure these plates have been washed?”
Joe answers somewhat offended “they are as clean as soap and water can get them”
So the man decides to let it go and...

If someone pushes you off a 100 story building, how long does it take you to get to the bottom?

The rest of your life.

I try to get to the bakery around 1:50 PM.

That way I have time to get my cake and eat at two.

I get to open the time capsule I buried as a child tomorrow!

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy has gotten!

When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?

Pallbears.

Can't wait to get to next year. Thought I could beat 2020.

2021.

Three nuns die in a car crash, when they get to heaven, the angel says they have to answer a question to get in

So the angel asks the first nun

“Who was the first man?”

And the nun replies, “Adam”

The angel allows her in and turns to the second nun

“Who was the first woman?”

The second nun answers “Eve”

“Correct, in you go” replies the angel

Then turning to the...

A blind man ask me for directions to get to the bar.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, but neither does the blind man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

I'll take this down if people want me to. I don't know where else to post this, so I figured here is ok. How do you get to Germany?

You go straight down the road and take the 3rd Reich.

How does a LGBT Communist get to work?

On their Bi-Sickle!

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbell door.

When u get to college u get the freshman15 - what do u call the weight u gain during quarantine?

The Covid-19

For Redditors thinking about getting married soon—consider this very carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring..

On the other hand, you don’t.

How do astronauts get to sleep?

They just drift off.

Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection,

do Librarians get to take suppressors?

"Get to work ladies!"

Something that has been said to men more often than women.

I tried online dating recently and it is really refreshing. The ladies actually want to get to know you.

Last night my favorite one was asking me really great questions like my first pet's name and the street I grew up on. She even wanted to know about my mom and her maiden name!

What time does Sean Connery get to his seat at Wimbledon?

Tennish.

Jesus is on the cross and he yells “PETER” Peter try’s to get to Jesus but he gets beat baldy and the guards push him back.

The next day Jesus yells “PETER”
Peter try’s to get there and he almost does but once again he gets beat baldy and gets pushed back by the guards.

Then the next day Jesus yells “PETER” and he fights his way through the guards again and he gets through to Jesus.

He says “yes Jesus” a...

Russian to get to the punchline

Why was Putin late for the party he was PUTIN on some makeup!

Why was Stalin late for the party he was STALIN for time!

Why was Lenin late for the party he was waiting for his LENIN to dry!

Why was Trotsky late for the party he got into a car crash.

It took a lot of work and thousands of hours from thousands of people, but the human race made sure to get to the moon by ‘69.

Nice.

How do you get to the after life in style?

You take a limbozine

I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159

Then it just CLIX.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Guys Die and Get to go to Heaven (long)

So they're waiting for God to get to and judge/reward them. God finishes with others and gets to them. Standing before them, he says, "Alright. You three get to go to heaven. Here's what's gonna happen. You think carefully and tell me what you would really love for the rest of eternity. I will set a...

Why does a child get to speak in front of the UN?

Or be president, for that matter.

In a hurry to get to a special dinner party, the guest speaker arrives and sat down, only to realize he'd forgotten his false teeth.

He explained his dilemma to the man sitting next to him.
The man said, "No problem," reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of false teeth. "Try these,"he said.
"Too loose," the speaker said.
The man pulled out another pair.
"Too tight," the speaker told him.
"I have one mo...

A few friends are about to get to Louisville and they start arguing over how it's pronounced.

One says it's Lewis-Ville. The next one says the locals say Lew-ville and the last one says Lewie-ville. After arguing for a few minutes they see a place to get some lunch. They can't wait to ask one of the employees how they say it to prove who's right. They all go up to the counter and one says, "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two jews that died during the holocaust get to heaven.

One of them says to the other “remember how they strip us down in the snow and made us wait there for 5 hours?”

The other laughs “yeah! Remember how they took your twin kids and preformed lethal surgery on them?”

The first guy laughs again “yeah!”

The two keep laughing as God ap...

Really looking forward to the Superbowl this year. We get to see two of the best tight ends on the field...

Shakira and JLo.

If Americans in Niagara Falls want to get to Canada for legal marijuana...

They have to take the 420 Highway!

(It’s actually true. Look it up.)

Steve, how do you get to work?

I go by train.

Ok. Train, how do you get to work?

A man holding a violin asks a stranger how to get to the concert hall.

Practise, practise, practise

“Dad, what’s the quickest way to get to the airport?”

Dad: Terminal velocity.

They Say The Best Way to Get to a Man's Heart is Through His Stomach...

This is why I'm not a heart surgeon anymore.

I passed my drug test at work. I'm glad I get to keep my job.

My dealer has some serious explaining to do though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the Samuel L. Jackson chicken get to the other side?

It crossed the MOTHER FUCKING road.

Why couldn’t T-Rex get to second base?

Baseball wasn’t invented back then.

I saw people waiting to get to the refreshments table at a party...

... and I said, "I guess this would be the punchline."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is sexually attracted to inanimate objects, and we rarely get to see him nowadays.

He always has stuff to do.

Three American men are sitting on a beach in the Caribbean sipping their rum and they get to talking...

Soon they happen to inquire about each other's backgrounds.

The first man says, "I used to own a matchstick factory back in California. But one day there was a fire and the entire factory was burned to the ground. I collected my insurance money and decided to retire here in the Caribbean." <...

The kids in Dubai don't get to watch the Flintstones...

...But the ones in Abu Dhabi dooo!

Isn't it the best feeling when you have been holding it in the entire day and finally you get to release it at the end of day?

I'm talking about emotions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next say, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, ...

In line at Burger King the other day, when I finally get to the counter the lady says sorry about the wait.

I said, "don't worry ma'am, you'll lose that eventually."

What if you get to heaven and God says...

"Hey, you're finally awake."

A Sunday School teacher is teaching kids about Heaven and asked the class their thoughts on which part of them would get to Heaven first.

Little Suzy says it's her heart, because she's so caring and loving. Angie says it's her brain, because she's smart and uses it to help people.

Tommy looks around and say "No, no, no. It's not your brain or heart. I know the answer to this one. It's your feet."

"Why your feet?" asked t...

What do you call a flying insect that's hard to get to know and spies for Russia?

Cagey bee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking

They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

The old man is thinking... "Gosh,...

I’m turning 32 in a few months and I’m kinda depressed about it. I only get to celebrate my birthday for half a minute....

It’s my thirty second birthday...

My friend and I are just in the middle of climbing Mount Everest. We are so exhausted, when we get to the top...

Me and Himalayaing down for a bit

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

What would have Buzz Aldrin, the second man to get to the moon, said when he reached there?

Neil before me.

There's a doctor's surgery in my town that is almost impossible to get to. It's on an island in a lake but there's no ferry or even a dock for private boats.

Every patient that's made it there has flu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Let's play hide and seek. If you find me you get to have sex with me"

"If you don't, I'm in the closet"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.



"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister...

how does harry potter get to hogwarts?

he walks


Jk, rolling

I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright length of wood, metal, or rope.

I chose the ladder.

Two cops get to this guy's house to have a talk

Knock knock

Cop: Police here. Is anyone home?

Guy (yet inside the house): Yes. Why?

Cop: We just want to have a talk.

Guy: How many of you are there?

Cop: There's 2 of us!

Guy: Great, so you can talk with each other! Bye.

How did the stoners get to Woodstock?

They rode the canna-bus.

Why do women get to name their studies “women’s studies”

but men’s studies is just named STEM?

"I've made a lot of sacrifices to get to where I am today,"

said the Aztec high priest.

Why did the shipwrecked pirates get to eat cakes, cookies and pies when they washed up on shore?

It was a desserted island.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.