Fishing

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B#tch!'

'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

'No, Father, that's...

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Work it out with a pencil

(Trying to fix up a joke that was brewed up this past weekend.)

There's this French guy, squatting by a river, with his pants around his knees, his bare butt hanging over the water. A stranger comes out of the woods, sees this, and notices 2 dangling bits on the French guy.

"Omg! You ...

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Kermit the frog walks into a bank...

He wants to get a loan and so he speaks to the bank’s loan officer, Mr. Paddywack. Mr. Paddywack asks Kermit how much money he wants to borrow and what is the purpose of the loan. Kermit replies that he needs $5,000 to fix up his lilly pad and to do some other swamp maintenance. Mr. Paddywack is int...

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell...

Accounting Joke (from my professor)

A priest, a lawyer, and an accountant were all at the bedside of a very ill man. The man said to them,

"Gentlemen, I'm dying. Before I go, however, I want to ask you one final favor: My family is rotten and I don't want to give any of them an inheritance. I would like to be buried with the r...

A loud rich man asks a monk how he meditates so well...

The monk, who was just meditating, opens his eyes and sighs,

"The task is simple" he says, "To meditate well, you must find yourself. Personally, all I do is enter a room and look for the ugliest man there. Since that is always me, I never have trouble finding myself"

The man replies...

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Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up ...

Satan was severely depressed.

Fewer and fewer souls each new year were coming to hell and it was soon becoming quite empty. So Satan hired an analyst to find out what was going wrong. The analyst traveled all over hell, interviewed lesser demons, and surveyed the experiences of tortured souls, taking notes here and there. A week...

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The leprechaun

A man got himself a wee bit too drunk on St Patrick's day and is stumbling towards home. As he comes up to his stoop he trips and goes flying headlong into the bushes. Much to his surprise he spies a leprechaun and managed to nab him by the neck. "I gotcha! Now show me to your pot o gold!" He slurre...

Farmer Joe has a problem with his barbed wire fence.

Farmer Joe's bull managed to get out of the field again. This time though, the fence was nearly new and should have been in really good condition.

Farmer Joe goes back to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve had helped farmer Joe by giving him a load of barbed wire to fix up the fence. Steve,...

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