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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' come...

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I got in trouble at high school for masturbating in the showers...

Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

A Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an Erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.

The Doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.

He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.

Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.

He then ...

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Bob was in trouble

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked ...

Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’

Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’
I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

What happened to the toddler that refused to take a nap?

She got in trouble for resisting a rrest.

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble.

The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove.

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."

The patient says, "My name isn'...

Got in trouble at school for this joke

So I'm in class and were doing civil rights and the teacher says to the class "so who can't walk freely in some community's" and i say back "handicap people".......Got a week of detention.

Do you know how Hellen Keller’s parents punished her when she got in trouble?

They rearranged the furniture.

My therapist said that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she wants to sleep with me.

I was having trouble leaving the building as the ways out were not clearly marked.

It was a true exit stencil crisis.

An old lady was having trouble checking her balance at the bank

So I pushed her over

Why do people in Athens have trouble getting up in the morning?

Because Dawn is tough on grease!

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Having trouble with their sex life, a married couple sees a counselor.

"What's the issue?" The counselor asks the couple. They say they're just not enjoying each other like they used to and are at a loss for what to do next.

After a thorough physical examination of the couple, the counselor has an idea. "Try this," said the counselor. "On your way home, go to th...

I'm having a little trouble falling asleep so I figured I'd write a joke

a joke

Tomorrow I'll write two jokes

Penguin car trouble...

A penguin is driving his car when it starts to make an odd sound, so he pulls into a local auto garage and asks to have it looked at. The mechanic says it will take a while, so the penguin goes for a walk. The penguin is gone for some time, and on his way back decides to stop for ice cream. As so...

Why did the cannibal have trouble eating a vegetable?

He couldn't swallow the wheelchair.

The new drug for women who have trouble performing...

Now introducing Niagra™

I got in trouble for sniffing my grandma's panties.

I still can't believe they kicked me out of the funeral too.

I was in trouble with work for stealing kitchen utensils.

It wasn’t worth the whisk.

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A man got in trouble with the IRS

A man got in trouble with the IRS, because he had too much unexplained money in his bank account. So he called his lawyer and said he'd pick him up on the way to the IRS. When they enter the office, the agent says, "Sir, I'm afraid you're gonna have to explain how you have so much money in your acco...

I had trouble making friends in college until I came up with a foolproof plan.

I started telling girls, “I love you”, and their first reaction was “Let’s just be friends.”

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I'm having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

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There is a boy who is always in trouble, he is constantly upsetting the other children and damaging the school property. Eventually, a letter is sent home to his parents...

...saying the school has put up with his bad behaviour long enough. This morning, they found him masturbating in class so they have expelled him. The letter continues: “I
suggest you talk to your son about his dirty little habit as soon as possible. Tell him he’ll go blind if he carries on.
Yo...

An old man has trouble getting it up with his wife...

He has tried pills, oils, anything he can get his hands on, but nothing works. He tells his buddy about this, and his buddy says "I know a witch doctor who has a remedy for this. Go see her, she will help you out.


The old man goes to the witch doctor and explains his problems. "I know jus...

A four-engine passenger jet experiences engine trouble...

...and the pilot comes on the intercom, saying, "Passengers, we apologize, but we have experienced an engine burn-out. The plane can still fly on the remaining three engines, but we'll be delayed in our arrival by two hours."

A few minutes later, the airplane shakes, and passengers see smoke ...

Champion Nails is in trouble.....

Stan owns Champion nails the company. Sales are well down. One night he meets an old friend in the local pub. (Its a nice old pub, with a lovely barmaid with a beautiful rack, and hops and things hanging everywhere). Anyway, Stan is telling his old friend - Chester, how things are not going well and...

Why do nuns have trouble staying celibate?

Hey, even Jesus gets nailed once a year!

My therapist just told me I had some serious trouble verbalizing my emotions.

Can't say I'm surprised.

Credit: u/Porichoygupto

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What do you call it when you can’t ejaculate?

Troubleshooting.

Little Johnny asked his teacher, "should I get in trouble for something I didn't do?"

"Well if you really didn't do it, I think not," said the teacher.

"Well good," little Johnny replied, "because I didn't do my homework."

So there are three brothers, one called “manners”, one called “trouble” and one called “shut up”

One day they were playing hide and seek and “shut up” was searching. He found manners very quickly so they searched for their brother.

They looked for hours and still couldn’t find him, so eventually they went to the police station.

“Manners” was shy so he stayed outside, but “shut up”...

What course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble?

Intercourse.

I have trouble pronouncing certain types of flatbreads.

It's been a naan issue for me.

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A lady is in the grocery store and looks like she's having trouble finding what she needs.

An employee from the store sees this and asks if she needs help finding anything. The lady asks where she can find broccoli. The employee apologizes and tells her that they are fresh out but should be getting another shipment in the next morning. The next afternoon the lady is back at the store and ...

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Every time my wife and I do anal I can’t seem to finish.

Some would say it’s becoming nuttin butt trouble.

Studies show that 9 out of 10 Vegans have trouble with constipation.

Goes to show that what happens in Vegans, stays in Vegans.

Why did the crazy train get in trouble?

Because it had loco-motives.

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Lee Smart was always a trouble maker throughout his life.

In school, Lee Smart was always getting in trouble. His friend, Isaac, always stuck by his side, though. They were always best friends.

Though Isaac was getting sick of Lee’s crap. Lee kept drinking and driving, he kept smoking Marijuana and snorting Cocaine. Isaac was so close to just leavi...

What kind of reptile likes to stir up trouble?

The insti-gator

"So... You're in trouble again."

Drink some cranberry juice.



"Not *urine* trouble...**YOU'RE** in trouble"

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I got in trouble for making a joke in Sex Ed today

It was just a fucking joke

A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.



“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

I am German and have trouble sleeping..

Not Z

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Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.

So he asked his friend Horatio.

The sale of Irish cars during the troubles

Was booming

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A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Do you have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replys "No not really".

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Trouble, Shut up and Be Quiet

There were these three redneck brothers whose parents had named them Trouble, Shut Up and Be Quiet.

One day they were driving down the road when Trouble had to pee. They stopped and let Trouble out and he went into the forest.

30 minutes later Trouble had not shown back up. A cop saw...

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I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

Why did the Mormon elder get in trouble for dating twenty nine year olds?

I mean, there was twenty of them....

A woman takes her dog to the vet because it's having trouble hearing

A woman takes her dog to the vet because it's having trouble hearing. The vet says, "Your dog has really thick hair in her ears and it's impacting her hearing. I'll trim it today, but to prevent this from happening in the future, go to the pharmacy and get some Nair."

So the woman goes to the...

I'm having trouble with my Bonnie Tyler LEGO sculpture

Every now and then it falls apart.

I went to a therapist and told him I was having wife trouble...

He immediately noticed that I didn’t have a wedding ring and he said “Sir your not even married.” And then I said “That’s why I am having wife troubles!” And started crying.

I got in trouble in school today

I was caught passing notes in music class.

Why is it called a “urine test”?

Because if you fail, urine trouble!

We're in trouble

The population of this country is 300 million.


160 million are retired.


That leaves 140 million to do the work. 


There are 85 million in school.


Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal govern...

Freshman Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib is in trouble with the Secret Service for using the words "Mother F**ker"

Apparently, they weren't happy she revealed Mike Pence's code word

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A student got in trouble during class and was sent to the principal's office for the first time.

The principal says to him, "What's your name, son?"

The student replies: "T-T-T-on-on-on-tony, Sir."

The principal looks up and asks him, "Oh, do you have a stutter?"

The student replies, "No sir, my dad has a stutter. The guy who registered my name was a jerk."

The police were having trouble bringing down a New York crime family...

...until a member of the family went to the police with information on their criminal activities.

The police made loads of arrests, and the confidential informant was placed into witness protection. However, a corrupt policeman revealed the identity of the informant to the family.

In o...

Friend keeps telling me my mixing of metaphors will get me in trouble....

But we'll burn that bridge when we get to it

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A father having trouble in bed

A father is in for his daily check up, and the doctor comes back to him saying

“Everything seems to be good, anything troubling you?”

The father replies,”Well.... you see recently me and the wife have been having some trouble when we try to get it on, mostly it me not being able to kee...

What do you call a reptile that likes to start trouble in the animal kingdom?

An instigator


I'll see myself out...

Who does R Kelly blame his current legal troubles on?

His body...

His mind was telling him no, but his body, his body was telling him yeeeehhhss.

A traffic cop went through the trouble of leaving a note under my wipers to let me know I’d positioned my car correctly

It said “Parking fine” so that was nice.

I was having trouble with my English homework...

There were almost 20 questions on Shakespeare's Hamlet I did not understand, so I asked my friend Jim for some help:

"Jim am I supposed to answer the one after 2 a) or just skip it till we get back to class?"

"Oh I did 2 a), it's really easy."

"No, dude, the one AFTER 2 a)."...

Why did the girl by the seashore get in trouble with the SEC?

She was running a unregistered shell company

Al Gore's dentist had trouble doing a filling.

It was An Inconvenient Tooth.

Why is it a bad idea to put all your troubles in Jesus' hands?

Cuz he has holes in both of 'em.

A King and Queen are having trouble conceiving a child...

So the king starts holding his breath. When the Queen asks him why he says, "How can I breathe when there's no heir?"

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The long troubles of Nelson Mandela (LONG)

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by an Asian man clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" while pointing at a truckful of car exhausts. Mr Mandela says, "I believe you have the wrong address" and shuts the door. T...

What did Zelda say to Link when he had trouble opening the jar?

Triforce

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3 boys named Poop, Trouble, and Shutup were riding their bikes down the street...

Poop fell off so Trouble stopped to make sure he was okay. Shutup rode ahead but was stopped by a policeman who noticed he wasn't wearing a helmet. The policeman said, "I'm going to have to write you a citation. What's your name, son?"

"Shutup, officer."

"Excuse me?!" The policeman sai...

When I was a kid and got into trouble, my dad would bring me to the garage and whip me with a belt.

Along with the alternator, and water pump too.

Having trouble comprehending space?

No matter.

Why was the dwarf alcoholic having trouble driving?

Well, he was a little drunk.

Plane trouble

A plane was about to crash. It had four passengers, but only three parachutes.

First out was a top football player. He said: "My team counts on me, and my millions of fans will be devestated if I die". He took one of the chutes and jumped out.

Next was Donald Trump. He said: "I’m the s...

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A man was walking down the street at night in Belfast, during the Troubles

While he's walking along, a masked gunman leaps out behind him, knocks him to the ground, and sticks a pistol in his face.

"What religion are you?" the gunman demands.

The man on the ground thinks fast- if he guesses Catholic or Protestant and gets it wrong, he's dead.

So he sho...

A catfish was having trouble sleeping.

The bass nextdoor was too loud.

Not to say I have trouble working out...

But I sat on the rowing machine and it sank.

Why did the baby get in trouble with the police for not napping?

Because she was resisting a rest.

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.

The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right,
and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the
floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a
little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you ...

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Did you hear about the blind urologist who had trouble finding his patient's penis?

You gotta hand it to him.

I was having trouble dating but a girl finally asked me if I wanted to get coffee today.

Sure she was wearing an apron and standing behind a register but still. My dating life is spicing up.

I told some friends I was having trouble sleeping. They said I should try listening to white noise.

I told them I don’t even like Eminem.

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On the first day of school the new grade one class met their new teacher Miss Prussy. The class had trouble pronouning her name. Miss Prussy said just think of a pussy with an r .... The next morning....

Miss Prussy..... Good Morning Class !
Class..... Good Morning Miss Crunt !

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and...

Shutup, manners and trouble

So there were a couple kids playing hide and seek in a national park, their names were Shutup, Manners and Trouble. When it was Manners time to count Shutup and Trouble went to go hide. After a couple mins of looking Manners found Shutup. The search continued for Trouble, but after an hour they c...

A mother was having trouble putting her child to sleep.

It's 3 am. No matter what she did, the kid wouldn't fall asleep. She ran out of ideas so she decided to text a friend.

Hey Sam, I'm desperately looking for some advice. Johnny won't fall asleep and I don't know what else I'm going to do to make him fall asleep.

He answers. My dad told ...

When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."
...

Trouble with the car

Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”


Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”


Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”


Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?”

<...

I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence.

Can anyone here give me some tips?

I was told you guys are the best at reposting.

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A Boy worked in the produce section of the supermarket

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his manager what to do.

He walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a hea...

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My wife was having trouble having an orgasm

I asked her if her gynecologist was helping.

She said yes, but she still needs the romance.

What happened to the Amish boy who got in trouble for streaking at school?

He got suspendered.

The Hulk's son gets in trouble with his father

"I'm not angry at you son," says the Hulk, "I'm just disappointed. And you won't like me when I'm disappointed."

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And older man marries a beautiful younger woman, but has trouble getting it up.

So he goes to his doctor to see if there's anything that can help. The man is worried about taking drugs to help his ED, so the doctor tells him, "Well, there's an experimental surgery where we graft on a muscle from an elephant's trunk." The man gets very excited about this, and they proceed with t...

Two friars are having trouble paying off the belfry...

So they open a florist shop. Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God, who seem to really have a way with their flowers, so business is quickly booming!

The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop, but they refuse.

A month late...

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