This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' come...

My therapist said that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she wants to sleep with me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man got in trouble with the IRS

A man got in trouble with the IRS, because he had too much unexplained money in his bank account. So he called his lawyer and said he'd pick him up on the way to the IRS. When they enter the office, the agent says, "Sir, I'm afraid you're gonna have to explain how you have so much money in your acco...

A four-engine passenger jet experiences engine trouble...

...and the pilot comes on the intercom, saying, "Passengers, we apologize, but we have experienced an engine burn-out. The plane can still fly on the remaining three engines, but we'll be delayed in our arrival by two hours."

A few minutes later, the airplane shakes, and passengers see smoke ...

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

What course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble?

Intercourse.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

Little Johnny asked his teacher, "should I get in trouble for something I didn't do?"

"Well if you really didn't do it, I think not," said the teacher.

"Well good," little Johnny replied, "because I didn't do my homework."

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

​

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

Bob is having trouble finding workers for his house construction company

So he decides to open the position up to people with more general skills. The first candidate doesn't have much experience in construction, but insists that his previous experience will be an asset.

The man seems earnest, so Bob decides to give him a chance. He tells the foreman to watch the ...

What kind of reptile likes to stir up trouble?

The insti-gator

Studies show that 9 out of 10 Vegans have trouble with constipation.

Goes to show that what happens in Vegans, stays in Vegans.

"So... You're in trouble again."

Drink some cranberry juice.



"Not *urine* trouble...**YOU'RE** in trouble"

An old man has trouble getting it up with his wife...

He has tried pills, oils, anything he can get his hands on, but nothing works. He tells his buddy about this, and his buddy says "I know a witch doctor who has a remedy for this. Go see her, she will help you out.


The old man goes to the witch doctor and explains his problems. "I know jus...

Why do nuns have trouble staying celibate?

Hey, even Jesus gets nailed once a year!

I went to a therapist and told him I was having wife trouble...

He immediately noticed that I didn’t have a wedding ring and he said “Sir your not even married.” And then I said “That’s why I am having wife troubles!” And started crying.

The sale of Irish cars during the troubles

Was booming

A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lee Smart was always a trouble maker throughout his life.

In school, Lee Smart was always getting in trouble. His friend, Isaac, always stuck by his side, though. They were always best friends.

Though Isaac was getting sick of Lee’s crap. Lee kept drinking and driving, he kept smoking Marijuana and snorting Cocaine. Isaac was so close to just leavi...

I had trouble making friends in college, but then came up with a foolproof plan.

I started telling girls I love them. Their first reaction was to say let’s just be friends.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got in trouble for making a joke in Sex Ed today

It was just a fucking joke

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every time my wife and I do anal I can’t seem to finish.

Some would say it’s becoming nuttin butt trouble.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My doctor was having trouble writing notes in my chart.

He kept scribbling, frowning, shaking the pen.

I said "Hey, doc! That's not a pen, it's a thermometer!"

He shouted "My God! Do you know what this means?"

"Dear God, what?"

"Some asshole's got my fountain pen!"

​

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when you can’t ejaculate?

Troubleshooting.

So there are three brothers, one called “manners”, one called “trouble” and one called “shut up”

One day they were playing hide and seek and “shut up” was searching. He found manners very quickly so they searched for their brother.

They looked for hours and still couldn’t find him, so eventually they went to the police station.

“Manners” was shy so he stayed outside, but “shut up”...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady is in the grocery store and looks like she's having trouble finding what she needs.

An employee from the store sees this and asks if she needs help finding anything. The lady asks where she can find broccoli. The employee apologizes and tells her that they are fresh out but should be getting another shipment in the next morning. The next afternoon the lady is back at the store and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Do you have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replys "No not really".

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Trouble, Shut up and Be Quiet

There were these three redneck brothers whose parents had named them Trouble, Shut Up and Be Quiet.

One day they were driving down the road when Trouble had to pee. They stopped and let Trouble out and he went into the forest.

30 minutes later Trouble had not shown back up. A cop saw...

I'm having trouble with my Bonnie Tyler LEGO sculpture

Every now and then it falls apart.

Who does R Kelly blame his current legal troubles on?

His body...

His mind was telling him no, but his body, his body was telling him yeeeehhhss.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.

So he asked his friend Horatio.

A woman takes her dog to the vet because it's having trouble hearing

A woman takes her dog to the vet because it's having trouble hearing. The vet says, "Your dog has really thick hair in her ears and it's impacting her hearing. I'll trim it today, but to prevent this from happening in the future, go to the pharmacy and get some Nair."

So the woman goes to the...

I got in trouble in school today

I was caught passing notes in music class.

Why did the Mormon elder get in trouble for dating twenty nine year olds?

I mean, there was twenty of them....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father having trouble in bed

A father is in for his daily check up, and the doctor comes back to him saying

“Everything seems to be good, anything troubling you?”

The father replies,”Well.... you see recently me and the wife have been having some trouble when we try to get it on, mostly it me not being able to kee...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A student got in trouble during class and was sent to the principal's office for the first time.

The principal says to him, "What's your name, son?"

The student replies: "T-T-T-on-on-on-tony, Sir."

The principal looks up and asks him, "Oh, do you have a stutter?"

The student replies, "No sir, my dad has a stutter. The guy who registered my name was a jerk."

Freshman Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib is in trouble with the Secret Service for using the words "Mother F**ker"

Apparently, they weren't happy she revealed Mike Pence's code word

Friend keeps telling me my mixing of metaphors will get me in trouble....

But we'll burn that bridge when we get to it

Why is it called a “urine test”?

Because if you fail, urine trouble!

When I was a kid and got into trouble, my dad would bring me to the garage and whip me with a belt.

Along with the alternator, and water pump too.

Why did the girl by the seashore get in trouble with the SEC?

She was running a unregistered shell company

I was having trouble with my English homework...

There were almost 20 questions on Shakespeare's Hamlet I did not understand, so I asked my friend Jim for some help:

"Jim am I supposed to answer the one after 2 a) or just skip it till we get back to class?"

"Oh I did 2 a), it's really easy."

"No, dude, the one AFTER 2 a)."...

What do you call a reptile that likes to start trouble in the animal kingdom?

An instigator


I'll see myself out...

Did you hear now that Robert Kraft is in legal trouble because he’s been taking advantage of women, Gillette is pulling its sponsorship from the Patriots??

Neither have I.

A traffic cop went through the trouble of leaving a note under my wipers to let me know I’d positioned my car correctly

It said “Parking fine” so that was nice.

A King and Queen are having trouble conceiving a child...

So the king starts holding his breath. When the Queen asks him why he says, "How can I breathe when there's no heir?"

Al Gore's dentist had trouble doing a filling.

It was An Inconvenient Tooth.

How helping my daughters sell Girl Scout cookies almost got me in trouble.....

I have 2 daughters that were in Girl Scouts. I was helping them sell cookies by asking co-workers if they would like to buy a box or 2.
One uptight co-worker found out that they go for $5.00 started balking about the price. Stating he cannot see spending $5.00 for a few minutes of pleasure.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

Why is it a bad idea to put all your troubles in Jesus' hands?

Cuz he has holes in both of 'em.

Dave was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry.

She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds.

The next morning Dave got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driv...

What did Zelda say to Link when he had trouble opening the jar?

Triforce

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The long troubles of Nelson Mandela (LONG)

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by an Asian man clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" while pointing at a truckful of car exhausts. Mr Mandela says, "I believe you have the wrong address" and shuts the door. T...

Having trouble comprehending space?

No matter.

Why was the dwarf alcoholic having trouble driving?

Well, he was a little drunk.

We're in trouble

The population of this country is 300 million.


160 million are retired.


That leaves 140 million to do the work. 


There are 85 million in school.


Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal govern...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was walking down the street at night in Belfast, during the Troubles

While he's walking along, a masked gunman leaps out behind him, knocks him to the ground, and sticks a pistol in his face.

"What religion are you?" the gunman demands.

The man on the ground thinks fast- if he guesses Catholic or Protestant and gets it wrong, he's dead.

So he sho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 boys named Poop, Trouble, and Shutup were riding their bikes down the street...

Poop fell off so Trouble stopped to make sure he was okay. Shutup rode ahead but was stopped by a policeman who noticed he wasn't wearing a helmet. The policeman said, "I'm going to have to write you a citation. What's your name, son?"

"Shutup, officer."

"Excuse me?!" The policeman sai...

Not to say I have trouble working out...

But I sat on the rowing machine and it sank.

Why did the baby get in trouble with the police for not napping?

Because she was resisting a rest.

Plane trouble

A plane was about to crash. It had four passengers, but only three parachutes.

First out was a top football player. He said: "My team counts on me, and my millions of fans will be devestated if I die". He took one of the chutes and jumped out.

Next was Donald Trump. He said: "I’m the s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the blind urologist who had trouble finding his patient's penis?

You gotta hand it to him.

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.

The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right,
and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the
floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a
little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you ...

A catfish was having trouble sleeping.

The bass nextdoor was too loud.

I was having trouble dating but a girl finally asked me if I wanted to get coffee today.

Sure she was wearing an apron and standing behind a register but still. My dating life is spicing up.

I told some friends I was having trouble sleeping. They said I should try listening to white noise.

I told them I don’t even like Eminem.

A mother was having trouble putting her child to sleep.

It's 3 am. No matter what she did, the kid wouldn't fall asleep. She ran out of ideas so she decided to text a friend.

Hey Sam, I'm desperately looking for some advice. Johnny won't fall asleep and I don't know what else I'm going to do to make him fall asleep.

He answers. My dad told ...

Trouble with the car

Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”


Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”


Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”


Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?”

<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife was having trouble having an orgasm

I asked her if her gynecologist was helping.

She said yes, but she still needs the romance.

Shutup, manners and trouble

So there were a couple kids playing hide and seek in a national park, their names were Shutup, Manners and Trouble. When it was Manners time to count Shutup and Trouble went to go hide. After a couple mins of looking Manners found Shutup. The search continued for Trouble, but after an hour they c...

What happened to the Amish boy who got in trouble for streaking at school?

He got suspendered.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

And older man marries a beautiful younger woman, but has trouble getting it up.

So he goes to his doctor to see if there's anything that can help. The man is worried about taking drugs to help his ED, so the doctor tells him, "Well, there's an experimental surgery where we graft on a muscle from an elephant's trunk." The man gets very excited about this, and they proceed with t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do necrophiliacs say when they get into serious trouble

"I'm fucking dead"

What do you call a lizard who's having trouble fertilizing a female?

A reptile dysfunction.

I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence.

Can anyone here give me some tips?

I was told you guys are the best at reposting.

When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."
...

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and...

Police Troubles

Chris was driving his car down the interstate, when an ambulance goes flying past him. As it turns out, the doors were open, and a bucket flew out. When Chris stopped to pick up the bucket, he saw that there was a guy's toe in a bunch of ice.
So, Chris took off after the ambulance, determined to ...

The trouble with translating jokes is...

Many jokes rely on clever wordplay, which can get lost in translation!


(What? That always gets a laugh when I tell it in Basque.)

Quiet and Trouble

Once upon a time there lived two brothers called Quiet and Trouble. One day the both of them got lost in a fair.

A policeman found Quiet who looked visibly distressed. The cop asked him "What's the matter boy,what's your name?"

Quiet said the boy. The cop angrily replied "Are you looki...

Two friars are having trouble paying off the belfry...

So they open a florist shop. Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God, who seem to really have a way with their flowers, so business is quickly booming!

The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop, but they refuse.

A month late...

My friend had trouble dating until he got his legs amputated.

After that, nobody stood him up again!

What do you call an insect who is in trouble with the law?

“A defendANT”

Girl Trouble

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple are having financial troubles

The wife decides to become a prostitute.

On her first day, she makes $200.50.

Her husband says " Which asshole gave you 50 cents?"

"All of them did"

Nikola Tesla was in trouble - he had not done his electrical studies assignment and his teacher was not happy...

His teacher asks, "well, where is it?".

Searching for a legitimate excuse, Tesla says, "I did it - but the dog ate my ohmwork".

I was having trouble with my motorbike so I arrived late at my girl friend's ...

she asked "what happened?"

I replied "piston broke",

and she said " I know you are, but what happened?"

My friend had trouble getting retirement money after working his entire life as an engineer

He was working with sus pension systems

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and door...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The trouble with golf

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spend with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “I went to play golf with my brother...

I went to the doctor and told him that I’m having trouble ‘satisfying’ the wife. He told me I should do what he does, so I asked, “What’s that, then?”

He chuckled, “Earn 100k a year!"

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana...

The judges have started issuing joint custody

Why do cows have trouble running?

They lactose.

I've always had trouble connecting with people...

Even as a child my imaginary friend would ditch me to play with the kid across the street

If I go through the trouble of making you breakfast in bed, all I ask for is a simple thank you.

Not all this "how did you get in my house" nonsense.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My doctor was having trouble writing my prescription

I said: "Doctor, you've got a rectal thermometer in your hand!"

He replied: "Dammit! Some asshole's got my pen!"


Deleted and reposting myself due to a typo in the title

Doctor: Did you know that you have trouble vocalizing your emotions?

Man: Can’t say that I’m surprised.