Once upon a time 2 kids were playing hide and seek

Their names were Shut Up, and Trouble. It was Trouble's turn to seek, so Shut Up went and ran into his neighbor's yard. His neighbor went onto his front lawn, upon seeing Shut Up he asked "what's your name, and why are you on my property?" to which Shut Up calmly replied, "Shut Up"

Neighbor: ...

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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students...

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Little Johnny what his problem was so he replied, „I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade anf I'm smarter than her too.“ The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the s...

I have often wanted to drown my troubles

But I can’t convince my wife to come swimming.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' come...

A husband was bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection

A husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.

He took her to anot...

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A deaf couple was having trouble communicating in the bedroom once the lights were out.

One day the wife signs to the husband, “Here’s what we can do. If you want to have sex, squeeze my left breast. If you don’t want to, squeeze my right breast.”

“Ok,” signs the husband. “And if you want to have sex, pull on my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, pull on my penis 50 time...

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A man moved into the city with his family and was having trouble getting some personal space to rub one out

Frustrated and on the brink he walked down to his car parked on the street

Attempting the deed in his car would be too visible to everyone around so he crawled underneath and started jerkin it

Eyes closed and confident he was finally enjoying some alone time when he heard someone walk ...

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

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I got in trouble at high school for masturbating in the showers...

Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

I got in trouble of my mom today.

I was tickling my brother's foot this morning and she got mad, saying something about "At least wait until he is born"

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I got in trouble for making obscene remarks about a co-worker's butt

But looking at harrassment the world to me

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My cat is sick, and I'm having a lot of trouble trying to get him help.

No matter how many gynecologists I call, none of them will treat my pussy.

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Poor Kevin Hart, he was in a car crash and now he's in trouble for smacking some guy's butt

I guess he's hit Rock Bottom

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Bob was in trouble

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked ...

"Sir, I know you are having trouble typing in your password." "Please can we try again. Your password is capital A as in Apple, lowercase T as in Tom, the number 4, Q as in Cucumber... "

This is something I actually said during my call center days. The call screeners wouldn't let me forget for months.

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My Therapist: Get rid of all the people in your life that cause you trouble.

Me: Last time I tried that y'all put me on suicide watch!

Oh my god I'm in trouble I just sold my soul to satan.

No problem, I just bought 2 atheists souls for a dollar each and traded them for mine.

I was having trouble getting the seat belt to work.

Then it clicked.

Did you hear about the inmate who got in trouble for calling his girlfriend from jail?

He was using a cell phone.



Thanks, I'm here all week. Tip your waitress.

Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’

Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’
I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

A penguin is having car trouble and stops at a mechanic that is across from the mall.

He drops it off at the mechanic's shop and goes to the mall to kill some time. He does does some shopping.

He stops in at the ice cream shop and returns to the mechanic’s shop.

The mechanic: "Looks like you blew a seal ..."

Penguin: "No, I just ate some ice cream."

Twice the number of Irish could spell trouble for most cities

Unless it's Dublin

I'm having trouble learning new languages. Every time I try to pronounce "Blyat"...

The Russians look at me funny.

I got in trouble at work for stealing a mixing implement

But that was a whisk I was willing to take.

Three Men Desert Car Trouble

Three men are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.

One man takes a jug of water. The second man takes a sandwich. The last man takes one of the car doors. 

The first man says to the last man: “I’m br...

I'm having trouble introducing this mendicant who's trying to sell roses, can you come help me out?

Only you can present florist friars.

A couple of years ago my friend told me I have trouble letting go of the past

Ill never forget it

What did the molecule say to the atom after he got in trouble?

I’ve got my ion you.

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We got in trouble at school for starting up a silent disco

The principal said it wasn’t aloud

What happened to the toddler that refused to take a nap?

She got in trouble for resisting a rrest.

Why do people in Athens have trouble getting up in the morning?

Because Dawn is tough on grease!

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My therapist said that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she wants to sleep with me.

Got in trouble at school for this joke

So I'm in class and were doing civil rights and the teacher says to the class "so who can't walk freely in some community's" and i say back "handicap people".......Got a week of detention.

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I'm having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

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There is a boy who is always in trouble, he is constantly upsetting the other children and damaging the school property. Eventually, a letter is sent home to his parents...

...saying the school has put up with his bad behaviour long enough. This morning, they found him masturbating in class so they have expelled him. The letter continues: “I
suggest you talk to your son about his dirty little habit as soon as possible. Tell him he’ll go blind if he carries on.
Yo...

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove...

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."

The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."

The doctor says, "Mine is."

Do you know how Hellen Keller’s parents punished her when she got in trouble?

They rearranged the furniture.

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A man got in trouble with the IRS

A man got in trouble with the IRS, because he had too much unexplained money in his bank account. So he called his lawyer and said he'd pick him up on the way to the IRS. When they enter the office, the agent says, "Sir, I'm afraid you're gonna have to explain how you have so much money in your acco...

Penguin car trouble...

A penguin is driving his car when it starts to make an odd sound, so he pulls into a local auto garage and asks to have it looked at. The mechanic says it will take a while, so the penguin goes for a walk. The penguin is gone for some time, and on his way back decides to stop for ice cream. As so...

I was having trouble leaving the building as the ways out were not clearly marked.

It was a true exit stencil crisis.

Why did the cannibal have trouble eating a vegetable?

He couldn't swallow the wheelchair.

The new drug for women who have trouble performing...

Now introducing Niagra™

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What do you call it when you can’t ejaculate?

Troubleshooting.

An old man has trouble getting it up with his wife...

He has tried pills, oils, anything he can get his hands on, but nothing works. He tells his buddy about this, and his buddy says "I know a witch doctor who has a remedy for this. Go see her, she will help you out.


The old man goes to the witch doctor and explains his problems. "I know jus...

An old lady was having trouble checking her balance at the bank

So I pushed her over

I had trouble making friends in college until I came up with a foolproof plan.

I started telling girls, “I love you”, and their first reaction was “Let’s just be friends.”

What course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble?

Intercourse.

A four-engine passenger jet experiences engine trouble...

...and the pilot comes on the intercom, saying, "Passengers, we apologize, but we have experienced an engine burn-out. The plane can still fly on the remaining three engines, but we'll be delayed in our arrival by two hours."

A few minutes later, the airplane shakes, and passengers see smoke ...

I have trouble pronouncing certain types of flatbreads.

It's been a naan issue for me.

I am having trouble sleeping. My head keeps on playing sounds of a luxurious car.

I think I am having Auditory hallucinations.

Why do nuns have trouble staying celibate?

Hey, even Jesus gets nailed once a year!

Champion Nails is in trouble.....

Stan owns Champion nails the company. Sales are well down. One night he meets an old friend in the local pub. (Its a nice old pub, with a lovely barmaid with a beautiful rack, and hops and things hanging everywhere). Anyway, Stan is telling his old friend - Chester, how things are not going well and...

So there are three brothers, one called “manners”, one called “trouble” and one called “shut up”

One day they were playing hide and seek and “shut up” was searching. He found manners very quickly so they searched for their brother.

They looked for hours and still couldn’t find him, so eventually they went to the police station.

“Manners” was shy so he stayed outside, but “shut up”...

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Every time my wife and I do anal I can’t seem to finish.

Some would say it’s becoming nuttin butt trouble.

Little Johnny asked his teacher, "should I get in trouble for something I didn't do?"

"Well if you really didn't do it, I think not," said the teacher.

"Well good," little Johnny replied, "because I didn't do my homework."

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I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

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Lee Smart was always a trouble maker throughout his life.

In school, Lee Smart was always getting in trouble. His friend, Isaac, always stuck by his side, though. They were always best friends.

Though Isaac was getting sick of Lee’s crap. Lee kept drinking and driving, he kept smoking Marijuana and snorting Cocaine. Isaac was so close to just leavi...

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My therapist just told me I had some serious trouble verbalizing my emotions.

Can't say I'm surprised.

Credit: u/Porichoygupto

I am German and have trouble sleeping..

Not Z

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I got in trouble for making a joke in Sex Ed today

It was just a fucking joke

Studies show that 9 out of 10 Vegans have trouble with constipation.

Goes to show that what happens in Vegans, stays in Vegans.

Why did the crazy train get in trouble?

Because it had loco-motives.

A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

What kind of reptile likes to stir up trouble?

The insti-gator

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.



“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

The sale of Irish cars during the troubles

Was booming

"So... You're in trouble again."

Drink some cranberry juice.



"Not *urine* trouble...**YOU'RE** in trouble"

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I went to a therapist and told him I was having wife trouble...

He immediately noticed that I didn’t have a wedding ring and he said “Sir your not even married.” And then I said “That’s why I am having wife troubles!” And started crying.

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A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Do you have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replys "No not really".

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

A: I'm in a big trouble!

A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need...

We're in trouble

The population of this country is 300 million.


160 million are retired.


That leaves 140 million to do the work. 


There are 85 million in school.


Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal govern...

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My doctor was having trouble writing notes in my chart.

He kept scribbling, frowning, shaking the pen.

I said "Hey, doc! That's not a pen, it's a thermometer!"

He shouted "My God! Do you know what this means?"

"Dear God, what?"

"Some asshole's got my fountain pen!"

Trouble, Shut up and Be Quiet

There were these three redneck brothers whose parents had named them Trouble, Shut Up and Be Quiet.

One day they were driving down the road when Trouble had to pee. They stopped and let Trouble out and he went into the forest.

30 minutes later Trouble had not shown back up. A cop saw...

Why is it called a “urine test”?

Because if you fail, urine trouble!

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A lady is in the grocery store and looks like she's having trouble finding what she needs.

An employee from the store sees this and asks if she needs help finding anything. The lady asks where she can find broccoli. The employee apologizes and tells her that they are fresh out but should be getting another shipment in the next morning. The next afternoon the lady is back at the store and ...

Bob is having trouble finding workers for his house construction company

So he decides to open the position up to people with more general skills. The first candidate doesn't have much experience in construction, but insists that his previous experience will be an asset.

The man seems earnest, so Bob decides to give him a chance. He tells the foreman to watch the ...

A woman takes her dog to the vet because it's having trouble hearing

A woman takes her dog to the vet because it's having trouble hearing. The vet says, "Your dog has really thick hair in her ears and it's impacting her hearing. I'll trim it today, but to prevent this from happening in the future, go to the pharmacy and get some Nair."

So the woman goes to the...

Why did the Mormon elder get in trouble for dating twenty nine year olds?

I mean, there was twenty of them....

I'm having trouble with my Bonnie Tyler LEGO sculpture

Every now and then it falls apart.

I got in trouble in school today

I was caught passing notes in music class.

Freshman Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib is in trouble with the Secret Service for using the words "Mother F**ker"

Apparently, they weren't happy she revealed Mike Pence's code word

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A student got in trouble during class and was sent to the principal's office for the first time.

The principal says to him, "What's your name, son?"

The student replies: "T-T-T-on-on-on-tony, Sir."

The principal looks up and asks him, "Oh, do you have a stutter?"

The student replies, "No sir, my dad has a stutter. The guy who registered my name was a jerk."

A traffic cop went through the trouble of leaving a note under my wipers to let me know I’d positioned my car correctly

It said “Parking fine” so that was nice.

What do you call a reptile that likes to start trouble in the animal kingdom?

An instigator


I'll see myself out...

Who does R Kelly blame his current legal troubles on?

His body...

His mind was telling him no, but his body, his body was telling him yeeeehhhss.

Did you hear now that Robert Kraft is in legal trouble because he’s been taking advantage of women, Gillette is pulling its sponsorship from the Patriots??

Neither have I.

When I was a kid and got into trouble, my dad would bring me to the garage and whip me with a belt.

Along with the alternator, and water pump too.

The police were having trouble bringing down a New York crime family...

...until a member of the family went to the police with information on their criminal activities.

The police made loads of arrests, and the confidential informant was placed into witness protection. However, a corrupt policeman revealed the identity of the informant to the family.

In o...

I was having trouble with my English homework...

There were almost 20 questions on Shakespeare's Hamlet I did not understand, so I asked my friend Jim for some help:

"Jim am I supposed to answer the one after 2 a) or just skip it till we get back to class?"

"Oh I did 2 a), it's really easy."

"No, dude, the one AFTER 2 a)."...

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A father having trouble in bed

A father is in for his daily check up, and the doctor comes back to him saying

“Everything seems to be good, anything troubling you?”

The father replies,”Well.... you see recently me and the wife have been having some trouble when we try to get it on, mostly it me not being able to kee...

Why is it a bad idea to put all your troubles in Jesus' hands?

Cuz he has holes in both of 'em.

Al Gore's dentist had trouble doing a filling.

It was An Inconvenient Tooth.

Friend keeps telling me my mixing of metaphors will get me in trouble....

But we'll burn that bridge when we get to it

Why did the girl by the seashore get in trouble with the SEC?

She was running a unregistered shell company

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The long troubles of Nelson Mandela (LONG)

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by an Asian man clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" while pointing at a truckful of car exhausts. Mr Mandela says, "I believe you have the wrong address" and shuts the door. T...

How helping my daughters sell Girl Scout cookies almost got me in trouble.....

I have 2 daughters that were in Girl Scouts. I was helping them sell cookies by asking co-workers if they would like to buy a box or 2.
One uptight co-worker found out that they go for $5.00 started balking about the price. Stating he cannot see spending $5.00 for a few minutes of pleasure.
...

A King and Queen are having trouble conceiving a child...

So the king starts holding his breath. When the Queen asks him why he says, "How can I breathe when there's no heir?"

What did Zelda say to Link when he had trouble opening the jar?

Triforce

Plane trouble

A plane was about to crash. It had four passengers, but only three parachutes.

First out was a top football player. He said: "My team counts on me, and my millions of fans will be devestated if I die". He took one of the chutes and jumped out.

Next was Donald Trump. He said: "I’m the s...

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3 boys named Poop, Trouble, and Shutup were riding their bikes down the street...

Poop fell off so Trouble stopped to make sure he was okay. Shutup rode ahead but was stopped by a policeman who noticed he wasn't wearing a helmet. The policeman said, "I'm going to have to write you a citation. What's your name, son?"

"Shutup, officer."

"Excuse me?!" The policeman sai...

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