A man is having trouble with a crossword puzzle, and asks his wife for help

"What's another word for an overloaded mailman? 16 across".

"How many letters?", she replies.

"Thousands I'd imagine."

I was at the bank one day and there was an old lady having trouble with the teller. She asked if I could help check her balance.

So I pushed her.

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think, "What would Jesus do" ?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

I just got in trouble from my parents for yelling "What the duck!"

They told me I'm not to use fowl language

I got in trouble in Algebra class today and had to stay after class for detention.

I didn't enjoy the aftermath.

Having trouble remembering something? Just post it to r/Jokes!

Then you'll see it reposted everyday.

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[NSFW] I was having trouble sleeping, so I went to my doctor for help. He said "you'll have to stop masturbating"...

I asked why.

*"Because I'm trying to examine you, goddamit!"* He replied.

A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.

It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.

Why did the orange have so much trouble forming a rap duo?

No one rhymes with orange.

Batman gets a call from Robin, who was having trouble with the car

"Batman, I can't get the Batmobile to start! I turn the Batkey, press the Batpedal, but nothing!"

Batman thinks a moment before asking "Did you check the battery?"

There are a few seconds of silence before Robin asks "What's a tery?"

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enoug...

A lot of people think that women have more trouble getting pregnant after age 30...

But that’s actually a missed conception.

I don't usually have any trouble abstaining from Thanksgiving leftovers over a period of time...

...but damn it's hard to quit cold turkey.

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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students...

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Little Johnny what his problem was so he replied, „I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade anf I'm smarter than her too.“ The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the s...

To the on the run criminals out there that are having trouble with your love lives..

You are wanted and I just wanted to tell you that

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

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My therapist told me I have trouble interpreting social cues

I think she’s hitting on me

Why did the crazy train get in trouble?

His Loco motives.

Double trouble

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit… well, more than a bit… had a snuggle, and she asked me if i ever had a “S...

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A deaf couple was having trouble communicating in the bedroom once the lights were out.

One day the wife signs to the husband, “Here’s what we can do. If you want to have sex, squeeze my left breast. If you don’t want to, squeeze my right breast.”

“Ok,” signs the husband. “And if you want to have sex, pull on my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, pull on my penis 50 time...

Wife trouble

So a guy gets pulled over and the cop says "you know you were speeding right?"
The guy says "no officer I wasn't." The guy's wife says "yes he was I noticed he was at least 15 over." The cop says "you also have a tail light out." The guy says "it must have just happened." His wife says "no that ...

What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

You can never get in trouble for bullying orphans

What are they gonna do?
Tell their parents?

My neighbor got in serious trouble for saying she would kill me in Sign Language.

Thankfully she was arrested for deaf threats

I have often wanted to drown my troubles

But I can’t convince my wife to come swimming.

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A big grizzly bear was taking a shit in the woods and noticed a rabbit taking a shit too. Bear says hey rabbit do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?

No said the rabbit so the bear picked him up and wiped his ass with him

Gorgeous women have trouble successfully shoplifting

Because everyone in the store is trying to check them out.

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

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Did you hear about the penis that got into trouble at work?

He's in the HR's orifice now.

Forgetting to check your pockets for money before washing clothes could land you in some trouble.

Laundering money is illegal.

"Sir, I know you are having trouble typing in your password." "Please can we try again. Your password is capital A as in Apple, lowercase T as in Tom, the number 4, Q as in Cucumber... "

This is something I actually said during my call center days. The call screeners wouldn't let me forget for months.

A husband was bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection

A husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.

He took her to anot...

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I got in trouble at high school for masturbating in the showers...

Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, would you do it?

i wouldn't, why the frick would anyone ever kick himself in the nuts?

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought ...

Little Tommy was asked what he thinks heaven is like. He says, “I think everyone would be children constantly playing around and wresting with each other. There’d be no adults to tell us to stop or get us in trouble.”

The priest responds, “sounds like heaven to me too.”

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

I got in trouble on a date once, I didn’t open the car door...

...and instead I just swam to the surface

Travel trouble

I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied.

“And what about Salt Lake City?”

“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,” she said “But there is a stopo...

I painted a spider today while working on my shed and now I’m troubled.

It got away before I could give it a second coat.

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My Therapist: Get rid of all the people in your life that cause you trouble.

Me: Last time I tried that y'all put me on suicide watch!

Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’

Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’
I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’

A man moved into the city with his family and was having trouble getting some personal space to rub one out

So finally he

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My cat is sick, and I'm having a lot of trouble trying to get him help.

No matter how many gynecologists I call, none of them will treat my pussy.

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I got in trouble for making obscene remarks about a co-worker's butt

But looking at harrassment the world to me

I was having trouble getting the seat belt to work.

Then it clicked.

Oh my god I'm in trouble I just sold my soul to satan.

No problem, I just bought 2 atheists souls for a dollar each and traded them for mine.

I'm having trouble introducing this mendicant who's trying to sell roses, can you come help me out?

Only you can present florist friars.

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Poor Kevin Hart, he was in a car crash and now he's in trouble for smacking some guy's butt

I guess he's hit Rock Bottom

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John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

Twice the number of Irish could spell trouble for most cities

Unless it's Dublin

I got in trouble at work for stealing a mixing implement

But that was a whisk I was willing to take.

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove...

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."

The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."

The doctor says, "Mine is."

A penguin is having car trouble and stops at a mechanic that is across from the mall.

He drops it off at the mechanic's shop and goes to the mall to kill some time. He does does some shopping.

He stops in at the ice cream shop and returns to the mechanic’s shop.

The mechanic: "Looks like you blew a seal ..."

Penguin: "No, I just ate some ice cream."

A cat goes to the opthalmologist because he's having trouble seeing things.

The doctor checks his eyes.
Cat - "What is it doctor?"
Doctor - "I'm sorry to tell you that you have Cat-aracts"

A couple of years ago my friend told me I have trouble letting go of the past

Ill never forget it

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I'm having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

Three Men Desert Car Trouble

Three men are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.

One man takes a jug of water. The second man takes a sandwich. The last man takes one of the car doors. 

The first man says to the last man: “I’m br...

I'm having trouble learning new languages. Every time I try to pronounce "Blyat"...

The Russians look at me funny.

-Sir, you have a bladder infection.

-What’s that?

-Urine trouble, sir.

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How can priests help troubled youth?

They give a holy fuck

What did the molecule say to the atom after he got in trouble?

I’ve got my ion you.

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A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.

There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.”

Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, ...

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by t...

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Did you hear about that birdwatcher that was sent to jail?

He got caught robin a bank, which in our society, is a cardinal sin.

Real timid guy, too... I'm surprised he had the gull to pull it off.

I mean, I'm not surprised he got into trouble, seeing as to how he made a hobby of sitting in the bushes and staring at tits.

But I'm sure th...

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I got in trouble for dropping skittles in a Zumba class.

Best game of hungry hippos I’ve seen.

Why do people in Athens have trouble getting up in the morning?

Because Dawn is tough on grease!

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A man got in trouble with the IRS

A man got in trouble with the IRS, because he had too much unexplained money in his bank account. So he called his lawyer and said he'd pick him up on the way to the IRS. When they enter the office, the agent says, "Sir, I'm afraid you're gonna have to explain how you have so much money in your acco...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We got in trouble at school for starting up a silent disco

The principal said it wasn’t aloud

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There is a boy who is always in trouble, he is constantly upsetting the other children and damaging the school property. Eventually, a letter is sent home to his parents...

...saying the school has put up with his bad behaviour long enough. This morning, they found him masturbating in class so they have expelled him. The letter continues: “I
suggest you talk to your son about his dirty little habit as soon as possible. Tell him he’ll go blind if he carries on.
Yo...

Got in trouble at school for this joke

So I'm in class and were doing civil rights and the teacher says to the class "so who can't walk freely in some community's" and i say back "handicap people".......Got a week of detention.

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If you have blood in your pee when you piss.

Urine trouble

Penguin car trouble...

A penguin is driving his car when it starts to make an odd sound, so he pulls into a local auto garage and asks to have it looked at. The mechanic says it will take a while, so the penguin goes for a walk. The penguin is gone for some time, and on his way back decides to stop for ice cream. As so...

I'm having a little trouble falling asleep so I figured I'd write a joke

a joke

Tomorrow I'll write two jokes

Do you know how Hellen Keller’s parents punished her when she got in trouble?

They rearranged the furniture.

6 AM

I have trouble waking up at 6AM so I put Cardi B as my alarm

Now I wake up at 5:50AM

An old man has trouble getting it up with his wife...

He has tried pills, oils, anything he can get his hands on, but nothing works. He tells his buddy about this, and his buddy says "I know a witch doctor who has a remedy for this. Go see her, she will help you out.


The old man goes to the witch doctor and explains his problems. "I know jus...

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink...

He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.


The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't s...

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Senior Sex [NSFW]

Husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around...

A man saves up for years to take his dream vacation

to a small island in the South Pacific. When he finally gets there, the sound of drums fills the air, thumpa thumpa thumpata thumpata. The man asks the porter carrying his bags, "What's up with the drums? Is it a festival or something?" The porter gets a serious look on his face and says, "If the dr...

Mann organic chemistry is so difficult

I get into alkynes of trouble.

Why did the cannibal have trouble eating a vegetable?

He couldn't swallow the wheelchair.

I was having trouble leaving the building as the ways out were not clearly marked.

It was a true exit stencil crisis.

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A joke I made up that's funny only when you look back at it.

This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem",



The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?"



The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!"



"That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certai...

The new drug for women who have trouble performing...

Now introducing Niagra™

Once upon a time 2 kids were playing hide and seek

Their names were Shut Up, and Trouble. It was Trouble's turn to seek, so Shut Up went and ran into his neighbor's yard. His neighbor went onto his front lawn, upon seeing Shut Up he asked "what's your name, and why are you on my property?" to which Shut Up calmly replied, "Shut Up"

Neighbor: ...

A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!"

And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.

Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the...

What course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble?

Intercourse.

50000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes are not stupid" convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

So there are three brothers, one called “manners”, one called “trouble” and one called “shut up”

One day they were playing hide and seek and “shut up” was searching. He found manners very quickly so they searched for their brother.

They looked for hours and still couldn’t find him, so eventually they went to the police station.

“Manners” was shy so he stayed outside, but “shut up”...

I had trouble making friends in college until I came up with a foolproof plan.

I started telling girls, “I love you”, and their first reaction was “Let’s just be friends.”

Joke Archeology -- who's heard an older version of this often recycled joke?

I heard this one the first time back in the early 70's.

Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger were giving a young hippie hitchhiker a ride home in Air Force One from the Camp David Area, they started having engine trouble, unfortunately there were only four parachutes and the drafted pilots ju...

I have trouble pronouncing certain types of flatbreads.

It's been a naan issue for me.

A four-engine passenger jet experiences engine trouble...

...and the pilot comes on the intercom, saying, "Passengers, we apologize, but we have experienced an engine burn-out. The plane can still fly on the remaining three engines, but we'll be delayed in our arrival by two hours."

A few minutes later, the airplane shakes, and passengers see smoke ...

I am having trouble sleeping. My head keeps on playing sounds of a luxurious car.

I think I am having Auditory hallucinations.

We're in trouble

The population of this country is 300 million.


160 million are retired.


That leaves 140 million to do the work. 


There are 85 million in school.


Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal govern...

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Lee Smart was always a trouble maker throughout his life.

In school, Lee Smart was always getting in trouble. His friend, Isaac, always stuck by his side, though. They were always best friends.

Though Isaac was getting sick of Lee’s crap. Lee kept drinking and driving, he kept smoking Marijuana and snorting Cocaine. Isaac was so close to just leavi...

Do you know the difference between americans and computers?

americans don't have trouble-shooting

I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

Why do nuns have trouble staying celibate?

Hey, even Jesus gets nailed once a year!

I confused Thanksgiving with Tanksgiving

Now I'm in trouble with the U.S. Army.

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A man goes on a business trip

Eager to keep his wife out of trouble while he was away on a long business trip, a businessman went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. After browsing through the dildos for something special, he decided to ask the old guy behind the counter.

The old man said "We have vi...

Little Johnny asked his teacher, "should I get in trouble for something I didn't do?"

"Well if you really didn't do it, I think not," said the teacher.

"Well good," little Johnny replied, "because I didn't do my homework."

Champion Nails is in trouble.....

Stan owns Champion nails the company. Sales are well down. One night he meets an old friend in the local pub. (Its a nice old pub, with a lovely barmaid with a beautiful rack, and hops and things hanging everywhere). Anyway, Stan is telling his old friend - Chester, how things are not going well and...

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.



“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got in trouble for making a joke in Sex Ed today

It was just a fucking joke

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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone.

The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

On the 8th day.

And on the 8th day Adam had a bad day, and God came to him.

God said: "I know you are troubled Adam, maybe I can cheer up with some nerve cells I didn't need to create you."

Adam grumbled and yelled back to God: "You can stick them in my ass!"

Studies show that 9 out of 10 Vegans have trouble with constipation.

Goes to show that what happens in Vegans, stays in Vegans.

What kind of reptile likes to stir up trouble?

The insti-gator

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her...

"So... You're in trouble again."

Drink some cranberry juice.



"Not *urine* trouble...**YOU'RE** in trouble"

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A dominatrix was trying to improve her PR so she changed her name to Harm

One day she was getting a medical check-up and she realized she would have trouble paying her doctor. Being a sex worker, she tried to see if there was an alternative way to pay.

“Doctor, isn’t there something we can figure out?”

“I see where this is going and I appreciate the sentim...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a therapist and told him I was having wife trouble...

He immediately noticed that I didn’t have a wedding ring and he said “Sir your not even married.” And then I said “That’s why I am having wife troubles!” And started crying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Please let me win the lotto

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' come...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady is in the grocery store and looks like she's having trouble finding what she needs.

An employee from the store sees this and asks if she needs help finding anything. The lady asks where she can find broccoli. The employee apologizes and tells her that they are fresh out but should be getting another shipment in the next morning. The next afternoon the lady is back at the store and ...

Why did the Mormon elder get in trouble for dating twenty nine year olds?

I mean, there was twenty of them....

Freshman Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib is in trouble with the Secret Service for using the words "Mother F**ker"

Apparently, they weren't happy she revealed Mike Pence's code word

The Walls of Jericho

A teacher asked one of her students who knocked down the walls of Jericho and the student replied 'It wasn't me.'

The next day the teacher saw the child's mother out shopping, she explained to the mother what happened the day before. The mother said 'If my son says he didn't knock that wall ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got in trouble in school today

I was caught passing notes in music class.

Trouble, Shut up and Be Quiet

There were these three redneck brothers whose parents had named them Trouble, Shut Up and Be Quiet.

One day they were driving down the road when Trouble had to pee. They stopped and let Trouble out and he went into the forest.

30 minutes later Trouble had not shown back up. A cop saw...

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