The 29+ Best Fill Up Jokes

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Free Sex w every fill up.

There was this gas station in Anderson, SC trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon Bubba pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would g...

Batman: "It's been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub."

Alfred: "Master Bruce, what's a htub?"

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...

She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

I remember when I was a kid, you could fill up a flat tire with air for free. Now it's $1.50.

That's the price of inflation.

Some people say that it’s wrong to fill up balloon animals with helium.

But whatever floats your goat.

Where does the Excalibur Hotel in Las Vegas fill up its flasks?

Lake Mead

I have a GREAT new bag. I filled it halfway. Next day, I filled half the remaining volume. Next day, half the remaining volume... at this rate, it'll never fill up!

I just love my Asymp tote bag.

How many cars does it take to fill up a parking garage?

A lot.

The robber waved a gun and warned the bank teller: "Fill up this bag with cash or else you're geography!"

"You mean history?" "Don't change the subject!"

Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now.

Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?

Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**

How many poachers does it take to fill up a lion?

At least three.

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(Long) A guy driving a brand new convertible Corvette stops at a gas station to fill up on his inaugural drive

(This is my dad's favorite joke)

He gets out of the car, throws a hundred at the attendant to fill it and tells him to make sure not to scratch it, then goes inside to buy some snacks. While he's inside, an old hillbilly wearing an old tatter shirt with suspenders putters up to the gas st...

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.

It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

Years ago when I was a teenager I had a summer job at a petrol (gas) station

Years ago when I was a teenager I had a summer job at a petrol station …. Back in those days it wasn’t self service , so my job was to put petrol in cars when a customer arrived.

I always remember this one particular day when an old chap pulled in and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out...

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A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

"We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework"

~ Dog's mother.

An art thief broke into the Louvre.

Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.

He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
...

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In a bar (long)

I forget where I heard this one but it’s one of my favorites.

A man walks into a bar and sits down looking very miserable. Another man sees him and asks “having a bad day?” To which the first man responded “I just got married and put a down payment on our dream house, overextended our credit...

All the blondes in the world are tired of being portrayed as stupid

... so they decide to prove that they're just as smart as anyone else.

They hold a big conference, and fill up an entire stadium of blondes. People come from miles and miles to be part of this, the stadium is filled, the city outside the stadium is packed, and millions more watch from home as...

Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.

"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room.
Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"

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Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?

He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.

So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventu...

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The Optimist and the Pessimist.

Once, a family had two young boys. One was an eternal optimist, finding good in everything, even terrible things. The other was a pessimist who could find no joy in the world at all.

The parents, despairing of their boys ever leading healthy, fruitful lives, sought out a psychologist for he...

Why do cave men drag their women around by the hair?

>!If you drag 'em by the ankles they fill up with dirt!!<

There was once a man who loved to play golf.

He played every day, rain or shine, and was obsessed with getting better. One day, he heard about a mystical golf course deep in the forest that was said to be enchanted. Legend had it that if you played a round there, you would magically improve your golf game by ten strokes.

The man was ske...

The magical pond

There is a magical pond where if you screamed your favorite thing, that thing would fill up the pond as you jumped in.

A group of 4 tourists visited the pond to test it out.

The German jumped in, shouting "Beer!", and the pond filled with beer.

The Frenchman jumped in, shouting ...

The new blonde waitress at the truck stop

A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out ther...

An astronaut flies in his space shuttle

And after flying for a while he stops at the nearest gas station in space to fill up. Once he’s done he asks the cashier where the nearest bar is. The cashier respond with “if you just go over to the next moon, you’ll find it. It’s called The Keyboard.” The astronaut thanks the cashier and leaves. O...

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