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Entire Jokes

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I'm giving up masturbating for an entire month.

Sorry, bad punctuation.

I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.

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While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes,

then die at the end because of their terrible driving.

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel

You should see my my dates' faces when I tell them I'm a bus driver!

My Grandfather built me a car entirely out of wood

It had wooden seats, wooden doors, wooden steering wheel, wooden floors and a wooden engine. Unfortunately when I tried to start it, it wooden work.

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

I know why this entire country has gotten so cold.

It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.

A male bee dies after mating. That's his entire life.

Honey.

Nut.

Cheerio.

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

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There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live and breed inside the mouths of Alpacas.

The survivors now live in a post Alpaca lip tick wasteland.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous

One bird can't finish an entire bowl of Fruit Loops...

...but Toucan.

Man walks into a bar with a beard made entirely of grass

Bartender says “Why the lawn face?”

I think my entire family is racist.

I was dating an Asian woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family

My wife and kids didn't even want to talk to me.

I redid my entire house with mirrors...

You could say it really reflects who I am.

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My wife left me because I spent our entire life savings on a penis enlargement procedure.

She could not take it any longer.

Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia

Man: Wait I can explain everything

I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit which gives you your entire daily potassium requirement?”

Her: That’s bananas.

Me: I know. I was shocked too.

Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I just think marathons are *way* too much running

Entire Russian history in five words

Russian history in five words: "And then things got worse."

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Did you know Jesus only had one orgasm his entire life?

We're still waiting for the second coming.

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The anal dildo was invented entirely spontaneously...

From what I hear, the inventor just pulled it out of his ass

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For sale: The entire Internet on 33,674,964,367 DVDs.

Or without porn, on 54 DVDs.

Someone just coloured in my entire Swiss flag red!

That’s a big red flag, and it certainly isn’t a big plus on my end

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My Grandpa avoided orgasms his entire life!

No one could even cum close to him.

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The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
...

Two professors of Entire Economics were walking down a road when they saw a dead rat

The older one said - “If you eat this, I’ll pay you $10,000”. The younger one makes a quick cost-benefit analysis and eats the rat.

The younger professor experiences a bad after-taste and wants the older professor to experience the same. Suddenly he sees another dead rat on the road and dare...

A man walked into a bar … and stayed there my entire childhood

Yes I’m recycling myself. But I’m in therapy now :)

Today, in honor of 4/20, I'm letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work.

It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.

I don’t know why Jets fans are so mad at Aaron Rodgers. Saying he screwed their entire season

Obviously he’s just into four play

Scientists have discovered a planet populated entirely by robots.

They call it Mars.

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Breaking news: An entire shipment of Viagra has been stolen

The police is looking for a gang of hardened criminals

Why was the entire world late to work today?

Due to the invasion in Ukraine and widespread sanctions, everyone stopped Russian.

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Did you hear about the man who lost his entire left side in an accident?

He's fucking dead... Oh wait nvm, he is all right.

A guy goes to jail. First night after lights out he hears someone yell out, "49!", then the entire cell block bursts out laughing.

A few moments later, someone else yells out, "88!", and everyone laughs again.

The new inmate turns to his cellmate and asks, "What's with the numbers? Why is everyone laughing?"

His inmate replies, "Well, we've all been here so long we've heard every joke. Instead of telling the entir...

My feet have been very supportive my entire life

They've held me up when I'm feeling down. They take me anywhere I want to go. And they always remind me when to take a break for myself.

It's not all good though, they just let me walk all over them.

A man goes to a zoo, but the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

Passed by a building made entirely of keilbasa.

Never sausage a place before.

Sherlock Holmes constructs an entire door out of lemons

Watson approaches him and asks why he did that

Sherlock replied “ Lemon entry dear Watson”

Why is the political discussion in Alabama so respectful among the entire population?

It's all relative.

How do you kill an entire circus at once?

Go for the juggler.

I don't like people who make "I didn't sleep last night" their entire personality

They are tiring to be around

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

What did farmer say when his entire crop died suddenly.

What a surprising turnip event.

*This is my first attempt at writing a joke, and my wife thinks it's awful.

In 2020 we're going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision

I can see it clearly.

Did you hear about the magician who made an entire art gallery disappear?

Now museum, now you don't

A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just gave birth to their first child "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 24 pounds…

Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of "Wow!"

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answ...

I just opened up a gym where my entire staff asks you a series of annoying questions every so often for the length of your stay.

Welcome to Jehovah's Fitness.

I got invited to test a new car made entirely of spare computer parts

It was a hard drive

My friend was recently in an accident and his entire left body was paralysed.

I guess he’s all right now.

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I once ate an entire pack of rope

I shit you knot.

My friend made a motorbike entirely out of wood...

It had wooden wheels, wooden frame, wooden engine, wooden brakes, wooden handlebars...
I asked him if he had taken it for a ride
He said: Wooden start

The entire crew of the first manned mission to Jupiter died upon reaching the planet...

I guess nobody quite understood the gravity of the situation.

I once wrote an entire theater production based on puns.

It was a play on words.

Why is the pride lasting an entire month?

I mean it’s one month straight so it doesn’t really make sense…

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If a sex worker does their work entirely online...

... Can they be called an "Internet Service Provider?"

I have achieved my life's goal of writing an entire theatrical performance made up entirely of puns.

It's a play on words.

What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?

Sir Ramic

Kraft foods is moving their entire operation to Israel.

They’ll be renaming themselves “Cheeses of Nazareth”.

I have just finished the entire history of lubricant

It’s the best non friction book I’ve ever read.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion…

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

My local gym costs $120 for an entire year

That’s $60 per visit, not a great deal.

I was shocked to learn my fathers entire portfolio was invested in Rita Hayworth, Bette Davis, Hedy Lamarr, Mae West and Lauren Bacall...

He tells me it's a broad index fund.

I read about a guy that blocked an entire river with nothing but legumes

Dam thats nuts

When my wife died, my entire world shattered.

You have a plan in your mind for your whole life, and then one day it's just gone, leaving you adrift. One day my best friend was gone. The woman I shared half my soul with. I could barely keep it together. I hate to admit, but I was useless in setting up the funeral. Her family did that, while mine...

I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...

Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.

A man prayed to God his entire life to win the lottery.

A man prayed to God every day for 65 years. He prayed in the morning, at lunchtime, in the evening and just before he went to sleep.

The man passed away and went to heaven. The man was rather upset with the Lord and sought him out.

When the man found the Lord, he said "I've been prayi...

my wife and I planned an entire week of camping. After two days, we packed our stuff and went home. We will never do that again!

The entire situation was just two in tents.

I just realized this entire pandemic has been a reverse of Bane.

“Nobody cared who I was until I didn’t put on the mask.”

A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.

Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?

You’d think going an entire year without celebrating joining Reddit would be tough but it’s actually

A piece of cake.

My new girlfriend told me that her entire apartment was full of Monkees memorobilia.

I thought she was exaggerating, but then I saw her place.

**Like**
**Comment**

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How did an entire platoon of dirty nazis die?

Wrong shower

McDonalds just released a new sandwich made entirely of beef lips.

They're calling it the McJagger.

Did you hear that Elon Musk is planning to buy the entire island of Madagascar?

He’s planning to rename it Madaelectriccar.

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Why are Japanese people so skinny?

The last time there was a fat man, an entire city blew up.

Did you know piranhas can eat up the body entirely upto the bones in 45 seconds ? Me neither.

Anyway, I lost the job at the aquarium.

Rick Astley will give you his entire Pixar movie collection, except..

He's never gonna give you Up!

The entire 15 years my wife and I have been married we only had one fight

and it's still not over.

"Bet you can't chug that entire beer can"

"Hold my beer"

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

I did it the other knight...

And I got rooked.

A man with Celiac disease willingly ate an entire loaf of bread.

He was a gluten for punishment.

What do you call a bakery staffed entirely by men?

A pastryarchy.

There was a jungle tribe of people who lived entirely off the land...

They hunted and foraged, and built structures with wildgrasses and leaves. Most of the tribe was kind and giving, except for the one greedy old coot. He did not live modestly: full feasts when others were hungry, 2-story hut when the rest were 1, and the rarest dyes on all of his clothes. This old c...

[nsfw]The hospitals new director is an idiot. He commissioned a huge chandelier for the main lobby that humanizes those living with erectile disfunction. The entire board told him not to do it and that they wouldn't be attending the unveiling.

It's unfortunate because it was well hung, difficult to get up, and nobody came.

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Did you hear about the soldier that impressed his CO by making a bugle entirely out of scrap iron?

The CO liked it so much declared the next day Ferrous Bugler's Day Off.

The entire neighborhood got together to discuss what to do about that crazy guy on our street ...

... I'm a bit annoyed that I was the only one not invited.

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I’m going to build a fence made entirely from poop...

I’ll have to start with a shit post.

What happens when an entire Borg cube is exasperated?

They let out a collective sigh.

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Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

Darth Vader built an entire Galactic Empire...

Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.

But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle.

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I've been porn free for an entire year today as a former porn addict!

Today is also my 98th birthday!

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy: “Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.”

The cowboy ju...

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The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

Wife: You entire life is a joke.

Husband: And you, my love, are it’s punchline.

Marvel have announced their newest Superhero team, one consisting entirely of Trans-woman.

The Ex-Men.

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Last night, I tossed and turned as I had a dream that a giant grizzly bear ate me and I passed through its entire digestive tract.

I woke up feeling pooped.

I have a friend who worked in Chicago his entire life tell me it isn't that violent...

He is a tail gunner on a school bus.

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.

A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
...

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

Babe, if I compared you to every single girl in the entire world...

...all averaged together, there would be no difference.

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What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

What do you call someone who buys up the garden store's entire stock of shrubbery?

A hedgehog!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. At one point in the discussion, the teacher remarked that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow an entire human being because

…even though the whale was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
"But the whale swallowed Jonah," the little girl insisted.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible, she said.
The little girl said, "When I get to he...

What's the strongest armor in the entire world

Plot armor. It's impossible to break.

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Why was Hitler’s mom so happy during her entire pregnancy?

Because she had a dick inside her for 9 months

I loved my entire college experience.

I had fun that day.

What do you call a committee made up entirely of people named William?

A Billboard.

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

What is the tallest building in the entire world?

The library, because it has so many stories.

They are two rules you should follow your entire life

1 . Never tell anybody everything

Today my girlfriend said she will spend the entire day wearing only a short skirt and a long jacket.

After all, it is my Cake day!

My local Swimming Pool is using a special chemical that will turn the entire Pool red if someone peed in it.

They're lieing it never works.

An electrical fault at the zoo saw the entire tortoise population electrocuted.

It was a turtle disaster.

Is it really that wrong to hate an entire race?

I just find marathons waaaaay too long to enjoy any part of them.

What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?

I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions

When you’re telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you tell them the entire thing.

Because you just can’t tell them a part.

An old man on his deathbed spent his entire life clinging to his money

Joke: An old man on his death bed has spent his entire life pinching pennies and clinging to all of his money. Friendless, he is surrounded by his priest, doctor, and lawyer. Just before he dies he tells them, "I know most people say that you can't bring money with you after you die, but I want you ...

What happened when the entire family got food poisoning?

Baby shart, do do do do

Mommy shart, do do do do

Daddy shart, do do do do...

You'd think that walking around an entire island would make me lose weight.

But no, it's in my kitchen.

Worst Pirate Joke in the Entire World



**Where do Pirates go to drink?**





At the Baaaarrrrrrrr





**Wait I'm not done**. **Where do Pirates put their stuff?**





In a Jaaaaarrrrrrr







**Wait for it...** **What do Pirates Drive?**


...

I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster!

Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.

I finally read the entire Encyclopedia of Clocks

It's about time.

A huge bloke decked in full hunting gear and with an entire dead wildebeest over his shoulder made his way to Nairobi airport.

As he approached the desk the airline attendant noted the wildebeest carcass but more alarmingly noticed that the suitcase he was dragging was bulging sporadically and clearly contained something large and very much alive. Feeling slightly nervous but determined to do his job the attendant challeng...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an entire stash full of butt plugs of various sizes?

An arsenal

I ate an entire young horse.

Now I'm really foal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

Bob left work Jokes ;)

Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours...

So, Kylo Ren went his entire life without getting a Girlfriend...

I guess you could could say he's Ben Solo all his life.


You've likely heard it but I only just tripped over it myself. >.>

I was trying to work out how long it would take to watch an entire season of 24

But in the end I had to call it a day

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

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