Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

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Harry was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard, he sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Harry asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Harry questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get one and I get one."

Harry brought over his wife and discussed about what to ...

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I went to the premature ejaculation support group and nobody was there.

Turns out I came too early.

For a long time nobody bought records

Then the tables started to turn

Nobody will upvote a cake joke on cake day anymore

Feeling desserted

Nobody knew she had a dental implant

until it slipped out in conversation.

Why does nobody like a lobster with a lisp?

They are way too shellfish.

Why does nobody play poker in the jungle?

Because there are too many chee-tahs

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted.



Happy cake day to me :)

I told a bunch of Africans a joke about food yesterday but nobody was laughing

I guess they just don't get it

Nobody wants to be alone. my old neighbor; newly divorced, beer-belly, balding, and closing on 50...

Hate to say it but -

I don’t like her chances

Posting this for a friend who thinks this a funny joke.. what do think? (NSFW)

Nobody: What do you call a girl who doesn’t give head?

Me: Idk

Nobody: an Uber

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What do you call those black and white movies where nobody speaks?

Interracial porn

Why did nobody go on a date with Avogadro?

Because his number was too long

It has been 2 years and still nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire....

...but Quasimodo has a hunch.

Erectile disfunction support group has been cancelled

Nobody could come

I was in a taxi today. The driver said "I love my job! I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do."

I said "turn left here."

Just in case nobody told you today…

I’m beautiful.

Why will nobody tell me what the lowest rank of the military is?

Everyone keeps telling me that it’s private.

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

A fit naked woman robbed a bank...

Nobody could remember her face.

Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

As a joke, I tied my friend up, took him to the middle of the woods, and stuffed his mouth with a cloth so nobody could hear him scream.

I'd say it was a pretty good gag.

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.

The only married person was Otis, & he was the town drunk.

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..

I really need to borrow some chairs

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid...

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

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I am fucking nobody

Lucky for me, I have very low chance of getting STDs

Nobody rewarded me :(

I see people in the subreddit of ''GetMotivated'' writting stuff like ''I am a month free from alcohol'' or ''I am 3 months away from gambling'' and they get awards for doing that. Well I wrote there ''I am 3 months away from studying''. Nobody rewarded me. Thank you people of reddit!

Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why. They finally brought in an expert to fix the problem.

The guy basically walks in, inspects the equipment, takes out a chalk piece, marks one unit with an X mark and leaves.

The plant’s owner replaces the unit and viola! everyth...

What should you do when nobody laughs at your science jokes?

Keep trying until you get a reaction.

Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy.

For months nobody has walked into a bar.

I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed

Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.

I was telling jokes at a bar filled with LGBTQ+ people

I was doing such a good job nobody could keep a straight face.

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a s...

What do you call someone with no body and no nose ?

Nobody knows

If you think nobody cares you are alive

Try missing a couple of payments.

Last two years I spent time impersonating a Federal Agent. Nobody gave me trouble when they saw me, including the police.

Then I turned 8 and decided I wanted to be an astronaut instead.

I opened a bar for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a total flop. Nobody came

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

I hosted a terrible orgy last weekend

Nobody came

What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?

A Mute-ation

Today I told an eye joke,

Apparently nobody had ever heard a cornea joke before

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

I’ve asked thousands of people what LGBTQ+ stands for.

Nobody has given me a straight answer.

This priest decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An...

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In the days of the old USSR an American and a Russian are arguing over who has the most freedom

The American starts by saying, “If I wanted to I could undo my zipper and take a piss in the middle of the day right on the front of the Statue of Liberty.” The Russian replies, “That’s nothing. In mother Russia I could go to Moscow, drop my pants and take a dump right in the middle of Red Square.”<...

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Two worms live together on a gold course.

First worm asks what’s the weather like? Second worm says he’ll check and starts making his way up the dirt.

Meanwhile, two lady golfers are on the course. First one has to piss. Second one says just do it right here, nobody’s around.

Meanwhile the worm goes to the dirt looks up and g...

If you love someone, let them go.

If they come back, let them go again because nobody else wanted them either.

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

I met a girl named Nobody

I told her people have said she’s loved me since the day I was born.

A guy brings his new blonde girlfriend to a family dinner

His parents are devoutly religious and he was born and raised in the south, so he's nervous - he gave her some pointers beforehand so everything would go smoothly.

After having a lovely conversation where his parents have warmed up to his girlfriend, they sit at the table and dig in. The guy ...

Nobody's heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.

I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar with a handgun. He says “who fucked my wife”. For a minute nobody responded until one guy in the back says “you don’t have enough bullets”

Mary and Joseph had nobody but themselves to blame for having to spend the night in a stable

They should have known it will be impossible to get last minute accommodation on Christmas.

When is the worst time to have a heart attack???

When you're playing charades nobody gonna help you

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What do you call your husband?

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.

Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."

Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft."

Kathy...

Nobody believes that I was born half Zentaur half human.

The top half of my body is Zentaur (Centaur) but the bottom half is human.

I find this funny but so far nobody else does. Can I improve the joke somehow?

I started a camp for kids with ADHD but nobody showed up.

I guess calling it Concentration Camp was a bad idea.

People are astonished when they see the tattoo that I got in Madrid

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

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A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident

Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.

He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me hi...

A Tree Falls In A Rainforest And Nobody Notices But Me

"Ha ha ha! My illegal tree cutting business is working!"

Nobody enjoyed the in-flight movie.

It caused 17 walkouts.

Big Feet

A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if what they say about men with big feet is true. The cowboy replies, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?" The woman is curi...

In Minecraft nobody can grow pubic hair

They can only grow cubic hair

Why did the local Gentleman’s club shut down?

Nobody wants twerk anymore

Nobody came to my party...

Even the cake was in tiers

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A businessman's talking parrot orders 5,000 barrels of crude oil

A businessman with a talking parrot goes to work. He leaves the parrot behind at home, and the intelligent bird decides to fuck around with his old man.

As soon as the man leaves through the door, the parrot picks up the phone and says, "Hello, I'd like to order 5000 barrels of crude oil."...

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I just read a story about a German scientist who invented a prosthetic penis

Nobody thought he could pull it off

I tried to make a corona virus joke last year.

Nobody laughed at the time, but eventually everyone got it.

What do you call someone who keeps talking even if nobody cares?

A teacher

In case of a zombie outbreak, quickly hide inside the nearest Walmart

Nobody has teeth there so you are safe from bites

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The dishes

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks th...

I went to the gym to practice my comedy routine but nobody found it funny.

It was a tough crowd.

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

My uncle took my weed so I took his wheelchair.

If I'm not rolling, then nobody is.

McDonalds was originally going to sell hot dogs...

They just felt like nobody would buy the mcweenie

One of Shakespeare's original pencils is going up for auction

Problem is its very chewed, so nobody can tell if its 2b or not 2b

Nobody wants to listen to White Snake with me

So here I go again on my own.

After dying the anti-vaxxer meets God. "God, please tell me who is behind the conspiracy to give people autism with vaccines?"

"Nobody," says God. "There is no conspiracy, and vaccines do no cause autism."

"THEY GOT TO YOU TOO?! HOW FAR UP DOES THIS GO?!"

There are 3 boys, named Stupid, Nothing, and Nobody. The boys go down to the river, and Nobody falls in the water, he cant swim, so Nothing tells Stupid to call for help. Stupid calls 911 and says...

"Hello, I'm Stupid, I'm calling for Nothing, Nobody fell in the water."

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A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

If Germans are so efficient and productive, why hasn't Germany built an unsinkable ship yet?

Because why would we waste our time building a ship if nobody has ever sought of it yet?

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

"Nobody is going to tell me how many people I can have for Thanksgiving"

Jeffery Dahmer

Nobody really knows how an MRI actually works

It's a mister-I

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Sex with me is like climate change

>!Nobody believes it happening!<

Nobody throws a BBQ as good as me

My record is 21 feet.

Injustices make me very mad: My grandfather destroyed a German Airplane and nobody ever thanked him

Actually they kicked him out of the museum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Success is like being pregnant.

Everyone says congratulations, but nobody knows how many times you got fucked.

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In the time of the Ottoman Empire, there was a wedding.

Back then, weddings were pretty big, and also long. People used to travel tens or hundreds of kilometers to attend at a wedding. For that reason, they would stay for a few days as guests. They would normally sleep in really big rooms, on the floor, and women and men would normally be separated... ...

Why does nobody ever tell Jonestown Massacre jokes?

... because the punchlines are too long

The first annual meeting of the camouflage club was disastrous.

It looked like nobody showed up.

If "practice makes perfect", but "nobody is perfect"

Then I won't practice at all, it'll make me a nobody!

When I was growing up there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet.

Nobody knew why.

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Bill and Steve are a gray couple on an airplane.

Bill turns to Steve, "you know what would be wild? We should have sex on the plane, like right here in our seats."

Steve surprised "whoah man, there are people everywhere, they would watch, it'd be weird."

"Nobody pays attention on a plane." Says Bill. With that he gets up and shoots t...

Being a taxi driver is boring, nobody ever talks to me. And when they can be bothered to talk, all they say is

"Hang on a minute, I don't live in the woods".

Why shouldn’t you disrespect Nicki Minaj?

She’ll make another song about it. Nobody wants that.

Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

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Covid pandemic now is like Nicolas Cage career

It continues, but nobody gives a shit

A girl has to get her picture taken for school.

She has her mom buy her some new clothes so she'll look nice. At one point she asks for new shoes. Her mom says "nobody will be able to see your shoes in the picture". The girl points at the notice and says "it says RIGHT HERE that they will be photographing the entire student body!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis is like Joe Biden.

Slightly left-leaning, and nobody's first choice.

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First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor.

I swear I’m working with a bunch of stiffs.

Yesterday I was at a Weight Watchers party but nobody mentioned obesity.

There were just too many elephants in the room.

Why does nobody touch Sean Connery's chips?

They heard their flavor was shower cream and onion

Two dwarf brothers are walking home with one girl each...

Two dwarf brothers are walking home with one girl each, to do you know what.
The first dwarf goes to a room and gets in bed with one of the girls, but things don't go their way and after a while they give up. But the first dwarf can clearly hear the second dwarf yelling: "I'm coming, I'm coming!...

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A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills

A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills.

The doctor asked, "Why only 3?"

The man said, "Well, Friday my secretary is coming over, Saturday my girlfriend is coming over, and Sunday, my wife is coming home form her vacation".

The doctor said, "That's...

PG 13 movies can show literally hundreds of human beings getting slaughtered and nobody bats an eye. But you drown just one dog...

and they ask you to leave the pool.

Uninvited Guest

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how ...

NSFW A man returns to work on Tuesday after a long weekend due to his 25th wedding anniversary he had celebrated over the weekend. His buddies were happy to see him and wanted to know how his little vacation was. "Perfect!", he replied. "I came home, and nobody was home. So I went upstairs to

the bedroom and there she was; naked and on all fours, and she tells me happy anniversary, you can do whatever you want to me!
His friends asked, "So what did you do!?!?"
He replied, "I sent her to her mother's!"

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An Old Man Get's The Attention Of The IRS For Some Suspicious Activities

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

If I remember correctly, the game “Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes” had a very brief stint of enormous popularity out of nowhere.

No one was talking about it, and it exploded onto the scene.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You could build a thousand bridges, but nobody will call you a bridge builder...

But suck just one cock...

A man had been away from home for 3 days trying to hunt a deer.

Finally, he was able to shoot the largest deer he had ever seen.

He took it home and kept it a surprise from everybody else. He cooked it in the shed so that no one could see what it was.

When he brought the cooked deer to the table, his kids asked what it was.

"It's what your m...

My friend Justin always says “i’m justin” even tho nobody asks. I asked why and he said...

Justin case

The Three-Legged Pig

So, there's a traveling salesman who has been on the road for too long. He decides that, to fix his boredom, the next thing he sees he's going to stop and ask somebody about it.

Well wouldn't you know it, he sees a pig with three legs at the edge of a farm.

"Ok," he says to himself. "...

So a girl phoned me the other day and said “come on over, there’s nobody home”

I came over and there was nobody home

Nobody could understand Othello.

It's because he was speaking in Moor's code.

Nobody walked into a bar.

A few hours later, Odysseus came out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two beggars

It is Easter Sunday in front of Saint Sophia’s Cathedral in Constantinople sometime during the Crusades.

Two beggars are sitting in front of the cathedral.

One is wearing a tattered suit of armor and is covered in bandages. In front of him is a sign: “Give Alms to a poor Crusader who ...

Trandlated a joke, hopefully nobody told it already

Johnny is walking around with his grandma.
He finds candy on the ground, he wants to pick it up, but his grandma tells him:"don't pick up things on the sidewalk."
They continue walking and Johnny finds 1$, but his grandma tells him again:"don't pick up things on the sidewalk."
Then his gra...

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Hitler, Stalin, and Napolean are complaining in the afterlife...

Hitler whines "if I had Russian oil, I would have flattened Moscow."

Stalin replies "if I had the German Lufftwaffe, I would have taken over all of Europe."

Then Napolean says "if I had Russian and German propaganda nobody would know I had lost."

Not a knee-slapper, but it's pro...

Ain’t nobody going to stop me from getting cheese byproduct.

I always get my whey.

I feel bad that nobody’s checking up on Coca Cola’s well-being.

When everyone asks if Pepsi is okay.

A competition is held to determine who is the world's best magician

David Blaine performs first with his famous trick. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the card disappears.

David Copperfield performs next. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the Statue of Liberty disappears.

Finally, a guy with a beard dressed in rags and sandals comes on stage. Nobody expe...

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.

The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.

I’m not fucking lying.

Crazy, Nothing and Nobody go to the beach

Crazy decides he wants to stay in the car while Nobody and Nothing are swimming in the waves. Suddenly, a giant wave takes over Nobody and Nothing starts to panic. He calls Crazy to tell him what happened and Crazy calls 911. He says: "Hello, I'm crazy, I'm calling for nothing, nobody drowned in the...

One morning, the new owner of a saloon was setting up his establishment for the day

He heard a commotion from the street and walked out to see people jumping onto their horses, climbing into buggies, or just running away.

"Hey," the owner called to one of the men. "What's going on?"

"You better run, barkeep," the man replied. "Big Ed's a'comin', and can't nobody sto...

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