Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me yesterday

I was like, “what the Hellman?!”

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

Somebody asked if I like potato skins.

It was a loaded question!

Somebody once told me that I was very mean

I said that's not true, sometimes I'm very median

Sorry, that was an average joke

Burglars are getting more clever, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night "I think there is somebody downstairs" she said. So I got up and went downstairs and checked ever room..

Then I realized I wasn't married....

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head...

He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a note, it said 'Parking Fine.'

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

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It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “W...

If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...

Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway

Somebody asked me to sign his petition to save the planet

It was to reinstate Pluto.

Somebody once gave me advice on dating to “just be yourself” and “be the true you”...

...he was an actor.

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Somebody told my g/f it was sexy to bite her lip posing for photographs....

I still haven't found the courage to tell her its the bottom lip you bite......





(you just tried to bite your upper lip)

can somebody tell me how statistics are done

mathematician: by all means

Apparently, it is rude to poke somebody in the forehead

and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you ....

Somebody asked why I was hiding at work?

“Because a good employee is always hard to find”

Somebody has stolen one of my Mr Men books.

I'm absolutely fuming and have vowed revenge... No more Mr Nice Guy.

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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the...

How can you tell the difference a nerd and somebody who is into BDSM?

Ask them their definition of dungeon master.

What do you call it when somebody with no kids tells a Dad Joke?

Un Faux Pa

Somebody robbed the police department yesterday and stole all the toilets

Sadly, the detectives have nothing to go on

Waiting in line to vote, somebody pulls up and asks " How long have you been waiting to vote?"

Some guy in the back of the line yells "FOUR YEARS!"

I was sitting on the bus and somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I was sitting on the bus and somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw two old men sitting there. One of them said to me, "would you like some nuts? I've got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure," I replied. Then he gave me a handful of nuts and wen...

Somebody called me condescending the other day...

It means that you talk down to people.

If ever somebody is gonna rob my house tryna look for money or valuables...

I'd just laugh and search with them

When you register on your birthday, so at least somebody congratulates you.

It's not going well.

What do you call somebody who hates pencil marks because they're black?

Erasist.

Somebody stole all the books in the White House

Donald was fuming he hadn't finished colouring them in

Do you really care about somebody else’s mental health...

...if you don’t post on your story about it?

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate after his death. Saint Peter opens the door, looks at him and says: "Welcome to live after death. What is your name?" The pope is slightly irritated and answers: "I am the pope." "Pope who?", Peter asks. "Pope Francis, you should know who I am!" the pope says, a ...

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Yo guys, my dick was in somebody's mouth last night!

But my back really hurts now.

Whose job is it, anyway?

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Any...

Somebody keeps leaving pictures of Kylie Minogue in the bushes in front of my house.

I just can’t get her out of my hedge.

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What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming beards?

A clipptomaniac!

Somebody stole my Microsoft office, and they're going to pay.

You have my word.

Where do you take somebody who has been injured in a Peek-A-Boo accident?

To the I C U

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Old geezers sharing jokes

Group of old geezers been getting together at the same bar for decades. They always tell each other jokes. After awhile they know all the jokes so well, they just designate a number. Like ole Joe would say, 103, and everybody would be laughing their ass off. One day a toothless Jack said 10,587!...

Somebody told me there's an invasive species of giant frogs destroying local populations all across North America...

... What a bunch of bull.

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There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody ...

Somebody threw a bottle of omega-3 capsules at me.

Luckily I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

I was walking home and somebody threw a block of cheese at my head

It wasn't very mature.

Somebody stole all my lamps and lights.

I was very delighted.

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

I was going to join the debating team

but somebody talked me out of it.

What do you call somebody who only drinks soft drinks?

I'm not entirely posutive, but I'm sure they are soda-hydrated.

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

He puts the octopus down on a barstool and tells everyone in the bar,

"this is the world's most talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument you can find - in fact, i'll bet $100 that nobody here has an instrument that this octopus can't play."

Somebody in the bar pulls out a g...

Why shouldn't you go out with somebody who got a nose job?

Because they pick their nose

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Commando was sent on a mission in occupied country

General gives him the details. ‘You will arrive at the spot at 5am, there will be a plane waiting for you. When you will be in the air, open the sealed letter with the details of the mission, it will be in the plane, along with the parachute. Once you will be above the drop zone, jump off the plane ...

What is it called when somebody kills their best friend?

Homiecide

Somebody just stole my mood ring!

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Somebody stole my first edition copies of 1984 and Animal Farm.

Oh well.

A gynecologist is driving along one day...

...when his car starts spluttering. He takes it to a nearby mechanic who proceeds to spend 15 minutes under the hood finds and fixes the problem and proceeds to declare that the car is good to go. After receiving the bill the gynecologist is appalled, the mechanic makes far far far more money that h...

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Somebody fed my donkey a whole rooster

Who put their cock in my ass?

Somebody whacked my head with a telescope today

I was seeing stars

How are a divorce in Oklahoma and a tornado alike?

Somebody's going to lose a trailer...

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A wedding in Galway was rudely interrupted by the drunk uncle Patrick as he went up the stage and announced...

"The wedding is off. We're out of food. We're out of booze. And somebody fucked the bride."

The guests were in shock.

About 5 mins later, uncle Patrick got back on the stage and announced, "Sorry about that. The wedding is back on. Laura made us some sandwiches. Connor brought some wh...

I tried my best to translate this from Romanian

A nun walks into a bar and goes straight to the bartender

Nun: Hi! May I use your bathroom?

Bartender: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.

Nun: Yes?

Bartender: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude wearing nothing but a lea...

It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye....

Then it's just a game of "Find the eye!"

My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested!

I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an a...

Somebody asked me recently why I took up downhill skiing

I told them uphill skiing was far too difficult

I posted a joke here and nobody seemed to notice. A day later somebody else posted my joke and got tons of upvotes.

They weren’t lying when they said one mans trash is another mans treasure.

What’s the difference between somebody who doesn’t drink milk and somebody who dislikes amputees?

One is lactose intolerant, the other is lack toes intolerant

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A woman was masturbating during her period, when somebody walked in on her.

She was caught red handed.

Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and...

All I could do was give them a puzzled look.

Rough part of the hood.

I once parked my car with my accordion in the back seat in a rough part of town. I was only gone a few minutes, but when I came back, somebody had smashed my rear windshield and thrown in two more accordions.

The three hardest things to say to somebody are: "I love you", "I'm sorry", and...

Worcestershire.

How do you know if somebody is curious?

>!if they clicked this to find out how to know that somebody is curious!<

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

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Every time somebody tells me that they’re Pansexual...

...I tell them to stay out of my kitchen.

Somebody once said, "watch out for that ball".

I didn't really understand what he meant, but then it hit me.

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If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson Go Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holme...

Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.

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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

Why did Jiminy Cricket hide in a seashell?

He was hoping to be somebody's Conch-ience.

I never thought I'd fall in love but I met somebody who makes me feel like I can fly

My flight instructor.

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Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

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A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

When somebody calls you a nobody just remember

Nobody is perfect

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Remember, you're somebody's reason to smile.

Because you're a fucking joke.

When somebody says Stop...

...I don't know if it's in the name of love, or to collaborate and listen, or if it's hammertime

Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."

Somebody was shot with a starting pistol...

The police think it might be race related...

When somebody makes you really angry, count to three.

When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.

Today, somebody took the time to explain to me the definition of myriad

It means a lot

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...

Somebody has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens

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Shocking statistics show that somebody in London gets stabbed every 72 seconds

Poor bastard

The other day, somebody stole my shoes

I thought that was way below the belt.

How do you tell if somebody is anorexic?

Give them an onion ring and see if they eat it or use it as a hula hoop.

That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

What happens when somebody steals your heart?

They get cardiac arrested

Somebody sprayed free candy on my van.

The joke is on them, i have no candy.

Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me

Then someone else told me shootings happened because of video games

Somebody asked me "where do you see yourself in 2 months?"

I said "i dont know, i dont have 2020 vision"

What do you answer if somebody tells you that you are the 5th wheel on the wagon?

Yeah, the steering wheel.

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

Some girl has stolen my phone and clicked naked selfies.My cloud is full of them now. Somebody help me find her

I need to give her a charger too.

What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opens the fridge's door?

Close the door! I'm dressing

Somebody stole my identity....

... it's fine though. They took one look and gave it right back. :(

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.”...

Somebody stole Satan's hairpiece

There will be Hell toupee!!

Before you judge somebody who doesn't use the metric system...

You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

Freddie Mercury: Can anybody find me somebody to love?

**Freddie Saturn:** If you like it then you shoulda put a ring around it.

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The Greatest hunter [long]

There once was a hunter who had some guest over to his house and was giving them a tour of his trophy room. At the entrance of the room there was a great giant white Gorilla, they asked him about it, he said: -"I spent three days and three nights with no sleep or food waiting for him to appear, he f...

A blonde and a brunette are riding in an elevator...

At one point, a man steps aboard with dandruff all over his suit. He gets off a few floors later and the brunette turns to the blonde and whispers-

“Now THAT’S a guy who could really use some Head & Shoulders!”

The blonde looks perplexed:

“How do you give somebody shoulde...

Somebody stole my generator and I can’t do anything about it.

I feel so powerless.

Three guys are working on an oil rig ...

Three roughnecks - John, Lonnie, and Donnie - were working on a rig in the oilfield...
While they were working one day, John falls off the rig tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, "Somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie repl...

Q: What do tornado's and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

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