I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

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Somebody took my sandwich so I decided to cum in the next one I made

Anyways, I lost my job at the cafeteria

Why shouldn't you go out with somebody who got a nose job?

Because they pick their nose

When you register on your birthday, so at least somebody congratulates you.

It's not going well.

What does a teenage cowboy say when he throws somebody out of the saloon?

Yeet-haw!

Somebody stole my first edition copies of 1984 and Animal Farm.

Oh well.

I was walking home and somebody threw a block of cheese at my head

It wasn't very mature.

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Somebody fed my donkey a whole rooster

Who put their cock in my ass?

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today...

They left a little note that said, "Parking Fine".

Could somebody here remind me how to increase the hertz rate to my monitor?

I need a quick refresher.

Somebody threw a bottle of omega-3 capsules at me.

Luckily I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me

I was like, "What the Hellmann?"

What’s the difference between somebody who doesn’t drink milk and somebody who dislikes amputees?

One is lactose intolerant, the other is lack toes intolerant

Somebody stole my Microsoft office, and they're going to pay.

You have my word.

When somebody says that the moon landing was faked

Always reply “pfffft, you believe in the moon”

Somebody stole all my lamps and lights.

I was very delighted.

Somebody whacked my head with a telescope today

I was seeing stars

It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye....

Then it's just a game of "Find the eye!"

Somebody asked me recently why I took up downhill skiing

I told them uphill skiing was far too difficult

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

Somebody stole my antidepressants.

I hope they’re happy now.

Three guys are working on an oil rig ...

Three roughnecks - John, Lonnie, and Donnie - were working on a rig in the oilfield...
While they were working one day, John falls off the rig tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, "Somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie repl...

Somebody once said, "watch out for that ball".

I didn't really understand what he meant, but then it hit me.

What is it called when somebody kills their best friend?

Homiecide

I posted a joke here and nobody seemed to notice. A day later somebody else posted my joke and got tons of upvotes.

They weren’t lying when they said one mans trash is another mans treasure.

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

Somebody just stole my mood ring!

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and...

All I could do was give them a puzzled look.

How do you know if somebody is curious?

>!if they clicked this to find out how to know that somebody is curious!<

every time I hear this, I burst out laughing.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke up Watson and said: "Watson lookup in the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied: " see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "...

My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested!

I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.

I never thought I'd fall in love but I met somebody who makes me feel like I can fly

My flight instructor.

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

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A woman was masturbating during her period, when somebody walked in on her.

She was caught red handed.

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A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.

Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end...

A Pinoy dies and goes to hell...

A Pinoy (Filipino) dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the...

The three hardest things to say to somebody are: "I love you", "I'm sorry", and...

Worcestershire.

A Beaver Story

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20
year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think
about that?"

The ...

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Every time somebody tells me that they’re Pansexual...

...I tell them to stay out of my kitchen.

Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."

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Shocking statistics show that somebody in London gets stabbed every 72 seconds

Poor bastard

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.


Joe ...

Today, somebody took the time to explain to me the definition of myriad

It means a lot

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school

One day he surprised his teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

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A man's wife tells him "if you ever come back drunk again I'll leave you"

One night he goes out to a pub with a mate for a few drinks. They've both had a bit too much and eventually one of them is sick all over himself staining his shirt.

He's very embarrassed and exclaims to his friend "I can't go home looking like this. My wife will leave me!"

His friend c...

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Two sons: one’s an annoying optimist, and the other is an insufferable pessimist.

Their parents were concerned about both of them, so they took them to a Psychiatrist for evaluation.

After listening to their concerns, the Psychiatrist says:

“Aha, I think I can help you! For your pessimistic son, you will buy him the best and most expensive toys, place them in this...

Somebody sprayed free candy on my van.

The joke is on them, i have no candy.

When somebody makes you really angry, count to three.

When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.

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A Jew is riding in a streetcar in Germany during the early days of the Third Reich.

He is reading reading a Nazi newspaper, the Volkische Beobachter. A non-Jewish acquaintance sits down next to him and says, "Why on earth are you reading that garbage? It’s so virulently anti-Semitic!” “Look, friend," says the Jew, "I get up early and work hard in a factory all day. When I get home,...

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A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

A young salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door. The most beautiful woman he has ever seen answers, dressed in only a slinky negligee. She asks "Do you like what you see?" Slack jawed, the man finally manages to stutter "uh... yes, very much!"

She says "Quickly, step inside, I think I hear someone coming."

Once inside the beautiful woman drops her negligee and is completely naked. With a smile she asks "What do you think is the most sensitive part of my body?"

The salesman says "I guess that would have to be your ears."...

Some girl has stolen my phone and clicked naked selfies.My cloud is full of them now. Somebody help me find her

I need to give her a charger too.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. [long]

After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."


"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.


"And what do you ...

How do you tell if somebody is anorexic?

Give them an onion ring and see if they eat it or use it as a hula hoop.

Freddie Mercury: Can anybody find me somebody to love?

**Freddie Saturn:** If you like it then you shoulda put a ring around it.

Somebody asked me "where do you see yourself in 2 months?"

I said "i dont know, i dont have 2020 vision"

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After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

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So my dad was taking a piss off the side of the boat...

I say: “dad, somebody with binoculars is going to see”. He says: “they don’t need binoculars to see”

What happens when somebody steals your heart?

They get cardiac arrested

Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.

What do you answer if somebody tells you that you are the 5th wheel on the wagon?

Yeah, the steering wheel.

When somebody calls you a nobody just remember

Nobody is perfect

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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

Somebody has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens

What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opens the fridge's door?

Close the door! I'm dressing

There was this drunk walking down the street

He walks up to this cop and he says, “man, somebody stole my car”.

And the cops says, “well where was it”... and he says “it was right on the end of this key”.

The cop says, “I don’t know man, why don’t you go down to the precinct house and report it down there. They’ll fill out all t...

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me

Then someone else told me shootings happened because of video games

Somebody today was explaining to me how the cryptocurrency market was changing, even though I already knew

It was a bit coin descending

Homeless guy is walking in one shoe

Somebody asks him:

-Oh, have you lost your shoe?

-Nope, I've found one!

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Little Johnny was in a class when his teacher told them to name a noun from each letter of the alphabet.

"Let's start with A," she said

Immediately, Little Johnny raised his hand, "Oooh teacher! Me! Me!"

Now, Little Johnny was a known troublemaker and all the teachers know that he had a more mature vocabulary than the rest. As a result, the teacher called Little Suzy instead knowing Littl...

A man goes to work at a grocery store.

The man isn't too bright, so they give him a job a grocer. All is going well, until a boy runs up to him and asks how much the tomatoes cost.

The man, baffled, says, "I don't know." He realizes that he just lost a customer to his incompetence. He goes to his boss for help.

His boss g...

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happ...

What is a "yankee?"

To those from elsewhere, a Yankee is an American.

To Americans, a Yankee is a Northerner.

To northerners, a Yankee is an Easterner.

To easterners, a Yankee is an New Englander.

To New Englanders, a Yankee is a Vermonter.

And in Vermont, a Yankee is somebody who eat...

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Remember, you're somebody's reason to smile.

Because you're a fucking joke.

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Once there was a man who went to the bar often.

He would always come home drunk, and his girlfriend had enough of it. One night, after the man had come home (drunk, of course), his girlfriend said "If you come home drunk *one more time*, I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

The next night, the man goes to the bar, and after a few hours of...

Somebody stole Satan's hairpiece

There will be Hell toupee!!

This joke was originally written in Klingon; I hope I've got the translation right...

A new prisoner named Andy arrived at the prison. Andy had never been in prison before, so everything was new and strange.

Before long he met Bob, who sort of showed him around, introduced him to a few other prisoners, and helped him start to learn the ropes.

That evening, when t...

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin...

I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

Somebody stole my identity....

... it's fine though. They took one look and gave it right back. :(

Your team here

There was a guy way up in the nose bleed seats at ‘your team’s’ home game. About the end of the first quarter, he spotted an old man and an empty seat down on the 50 yard line. He made his way down to the older gentleman, and asked if anybody was sitting there.

The man said “ my wife and I h...

Why some of us might drink.....

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
" Hello ?"


Is your daddy home?" he asked
" Yes ,"
<...

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

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When somebody calls you a gay

Say, "I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on."

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What do you call somebody who experiments with Viagra

A try hard

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If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

You know you live in a bad neighborhood when you getting robbed by somebody you know.

Robber: Gimme your wallet!

"Jay jay... That you?"

Robber: Don't talk to me while I'm at work!

Somebody stole the toilet from the police station.

They're trying to figure out who did it, but they have nothing to go on.

What did the pig say when somebody told him he was making cupcakes all wrong?

Listen, I’ve been bacon my whole life.

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.”...

Before you judge somebody who doesn't use the metric system...

You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...

Somebody told me that if you look at the symbols in the corner of a map and see the words "Bloody Rosemary," something horrible will happen.

But that's just an herb in legend.

What do I have if I have $15 in one pocket and $20 in the other

Somebody else’s pants on

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Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

Somebody was shot with a starting pistol...

The police think it might be race related...

I figured out why President Trump thinks he doesn’t have to wear a mask to protect himself from viruses.

Somebody told him he had diplomatic immunity.

Somebody stole my generator and I can’t do anything about it.

I feel so powerless.

Somebody asked me about my thoughts on Assassin’s Creed III...

I told him that it’s a pretty revolutionary game.

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Timothy and Sarah are walking on a footpath by the beach...

They come across a sign which reads: "CAUTION: strong currents. Swim with care".

Frowning at this, Timothy turns to Sarah and asks, "Hey, are you seeing this?"

Confused, Sarah replies, "Seeing what?"

Timothy exclaims, "This is the third time we've seen that sign!!"

"Oh", ...

That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.

(Translated from Estonian) A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After he had found a place to sit down, he suddenly feels an urge to pee.

But he just can't leave the beer on the table, somebody would drink it. He also can't take the beer to the toilet, that would just be weird.

So, he suddenly had an idea to leave a sign next to the beer. The sign said: "I spit in here".

When he got back from the toilet, he found another...

Why shouldn’t you let somebody who just got out of rehab go skiing?

Because it’s a slippery slope

A vegan, a Bitcoin trader, and somebody who didn't vote in 2016 walk into a bar.

Who tells you about it first?

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