UPJOKE
someoneanybodyanyoneanythingsomethingpersonnobodyeverybodywhatevermyselfwhatnothingnativeworkeranyway

Knew somebody who used to live in a giant tire.

He got a puncture one day……..
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Now he lives in a flat.

What did Janis Joplin say when somebody stole her “wet floor” sign?

“Take it. Take another little piso mojado, baby.”

My friend said that if you sit on your hand for long enough it feels like somebody else is doing it.

It's been twenty minutes and it still feels like I'm sitting on my hand.

My buddy asked me if I could sleep with somebody dead of alive, who would it be?

I said obviously somebody alive.

What do you call somebody with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

If somebody wants to say the word “motel“ backwards

just letom.

Somebody stole my mood ring

I don’t know how to feel about it.

I was walking home and somebody threw a mayonnaise jar at my head

I turned round and shouted What the hell man

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an 80-year-old is considered to be a champion whenever they have sex with somebody who is half their age

but a 20-year-old is not

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Somebody once told me a story…

…and today I’d like to share it with you:

Once upon a time, there was a farmer in Scotland. His name was William McKellen.

William had a faithful horse, named Star. She was his best friend out there in the Highlands.

Every morning, the two would go out to the grass fields. Far...

Somebody stole my anti depressants..

Whoever you are.. I hope you’re fking happy!

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

Did you hear that somebody killed a majority of the birds?

It’s a murder of most fowl

Hi all, we're looking for somebody seriously interested in a threesome

We are a man looking for two women.

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

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Quack

A farmer is dying on his bed and debates on how he will split up the estate between his three sons. So he makes a contest and explains it to them that each with get a duck and who ever can get the most for the duck will inherit everything.

So the first son ventured out with his duck and spen...

Somebody threw Omega-3 pills at me today.

I got super fish oil injuries

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How are boobs and martinis alike?

They’re both good shaken.

Also, I wanted to see whether this joke has been posted before. But I don’t see where the search feature is for r/jokes. Can somebody explain where I can find that?

How do you anger a European?

It isn’t a colony if somebody already lives there.

Somebody offered me free Hamilton tickets if they could have my place in line at the Covid vaccination clinic, but I had to turn them down.

Not throwing away my shot!

At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head...

He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.

THIS JUST IN: It's been reported that somebody made a hole in the fence surrounding the nudist colony.

Police are looking into it .

Somebody stole my diary and my rosary.

My thoughts and prayers are with them.

Parachute lessons

So, I'm on a flying plane, taking my parachute jumping lessons. One of the guys told me: "Wait here, stay close to the door, the instructor will strap himself to you and you'll jump together. Don't do anything without your instructor, he has the parachute, he knows everything and he will guide you o...

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My wife asked, “Do you know someone called Lisa?” “Nope”, I replied. “You must know somebody called Lisa”, she said. “Actually, that’s the name of my dog who died when I was a young kid. Why?” I replied.

“Because your dead dog just texted you and she fancies a shag tonight!”

I used to live a hand to mouth existence.

Then somebody told me about silverware.

What's the difference between a Tornado, and a divorce in the south?

Nothing. Somebody is losing a trailer.
-Robin Williams

I am so mad.

I had 2 WNBA tickets in my car.

Somebody broke into my car last night and I have 4 WNBA tickets now.

Somebody asked me to name two structures that hold water.

I was like well damn.

My wife and I have decided we don’t want kids, after all.

If somebody out there does, we can bring them by tomorrow, anytime after 3 PM.

How do you know if somebody has to much free time?

They're on reddit looking for a laugh.

I'll see myself out.

What do you call somebody who comes between a cannibal and their meal?

An appetizer.

Somebody told me that I look like a vampire.

I looked in the mirror but I just don't see it.

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

Somebody robbed the bakery the other day

Well, that just takes the cake!

Somebody threw a rock at me with bgna written on it

That's bang out of order

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today..

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

I was cryogenically frozen for a while, then somebody woke me up early.

I really lost my cool.

Burglars are getting more clever, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night "I think there is somebody downstairs" she said. So I got up and went downstairs and checked ever room..

Then I realized I wasn't married....

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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

What's the difference between heaven and Scotland?

In heaven you might hear somebody say "Hey you, get off my cloud" in Scotland you might hear somebody say "Hey McCloud get off my ewe"

My dad and I were in a field husking corn

Years ago we were out in the cornfield. Then I start complaining about somebody for a bit.

My dad: you know you shouldn't say those things about them in this field

Me: why?

My dad: there's a lot of ears out here

How do you feed a 90 foot long pet anaconda?

Once. After that somebody else feeds it once.

A man decided to open a farm.

He went to the store and asked for a hen. The store owner said "Sure! They're called pullets around here." The man also asked for a goose. The owner said "Sure, but we call those peckers here!" Lastly, the man asked for a donkey. The owner said "They're called asses around here. I'll sell you mine, ...

Apparently, it is rude to poke somebody in the forehead

and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you ....

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...

Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway

Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor

and asks "what flavors do you have?"

The attendant says "over there on the signs on the wall, you'll see them all"

Clients goes "Ehm, well I'll have a cone with two scoops of *Mondays Closed*."

A greasy middle-aged businessman and his secretary run out of gas..

They had just finished up a business conference in Las Vegas but were now stranded on the side of the highway in the middle of the desert with the sun going down.

"My phone has no reception, we'll have to flag somebody down for help." says the man, looking in his mirror at the dark, empty roa...

What do Lucy from the Despicable Me franchise and a somebody playing Zork have in common?

They were both eaten by a Gru

Somebody once told me that I was very mean

I said that's not true, sometimes I'm very median

Sorry, that was an average joke

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

Somebody stole my Microsoft office, and they're going to pay.

You have my word.

I called my local Weight Watchers and said "It's an emergency, can you send somebody round?"

They said "Yes we can, we've got loads of them"

I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold

But then I realized it meant getting back at somebody

can somebody tell me how statistics are done

mathematician: by all means

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If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

When you register on your birthday, so at least somebody congratulates you.

It's not going well.

Somebody asked if I like potato skins.

It was a loaded question!

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51.

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

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Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

What's the best thing about slapstick?

Regardless if you think it's funny or not, somebody will still be in stitches.

How does life feel for somebody who is short and crippled?

A little lame.

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Somebody told my g/f it was sexy to bite her lip posing for photographs....

I still haven't found the courage to tell her its the bottom lip you bite......





(you just tried to bite your upper lip)

Two city kids take a road trip

Two city kids are taking a road trip deep into the countryside. After a long day of driving, they manage to find a diner, way out in the farmland, and decide to get dinner.

To their amazement, the restaurant is run entirely by cattle. The fry cook is a longhorn. A Holstein takes their order ...

The little scamp

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" the boss asked.
"Yes," whispe...

Somebody robbed the police department yesterday and stole all the toilets

Sadly, the detectives have nothing to go on

Somebody asked why I was hiding at work?

“Because a good employee is always hard to find”

Waiting in line to vote, somebody pulls up and asks " How long have you been waiting to vote?"

Some guy in the back of the line yells "FOUR YEARS!"

Extra large condoms...

A beautiful woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, “Do you have extra large condoms?” The pharmacist replies, “Yes, aisle 11.” The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, “Do you need some help?” The woman replies, “...

How can you tell the difference a nerd and somebody who is into BDSM?

Ask them their definition of dungeon master.

Somebody asked me to sign his petition to save the planet

It was to reinstate Pluto.

Somebody stole all my lamps and lights.

I was very delighted.

Somebody was shot with a starting pistol...

The police think it might be race related...

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Yo guys, my dick was in somebody's mouth last night!

But my back really hurts now.

Do you really care about somebody else’s mental health...

...if you don’t post on your story about it?

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

Somebody stole all the books in the White House

Donald was fuming he hadn't finished colouring them in

Somebody has stolen one of my Mr Men books.

I'm absolutely fuming and have vowed revenge... No more Mr Nice Guy.

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...

Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.

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Elvis

What did Elvis say in the middle of his orgasm?


The king is coming!

My response to a church Easter sign that said, “the king is coming.”
I made this joke up on the spot, however, I am sure somebody else has come up with it before.

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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

What do you call it when somebody with no kids tells a Dad Joke?

Un Faux Pa

My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested!

I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.

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Every time somebody tells me that they’re Pansexual...

...I tell them to stay out of my kitchen.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"...

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Remember, you're somebody's reason to smile.

Because you're a fucking joke.

The three hardest things to say to somebody are: "I love you", "I'm sorry", and...

Worcestershire.

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The wife of a very rich man dies from illness.

To honor her, the widower announces a big funeral in his huge resort, where everyone they knew is invited. The guests arrive, and after the first day is over, everyone is preparing to go to sleep. As there are not enough rooms to accommodate everyone, the widower had 2 grand salons prepared with bed...

A drunk was walking down the street and bumped into a cop.

The drunk says to the cop, "Man, somebody stole my car."

Cop says, "Well, where was it?"

The drunk says, "It was right here on the end of this key."

Cop replies, "I dunno man, you better go down to the precinct and report it down there and they'll fill out all the proper paperwo...

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold.

A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.
He began an Epic struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.

He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete sla...

When somebody calls you a nobody just remember

Nobody is perfect

Somebody called me condescending the other day...

It means that you talk down to people.

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It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “W...

Somebody keeps leaving pictures of Kylie Minogue in the bushes in front of my house.

I just can’t get her out of my hedge.

Where do you take somebody who has been injured in a Peek-A-Boo accident?

To the I C U

A neurologist was diagnosing a patient who lost his ability to do basic math

"What’s 9 plus 9?”
“12”.
“What’s 8 and 8?”
“10”.
The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?”
The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.
“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. “Somebody’s clearly put a hex on you.”

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A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

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What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming beards?

A clipptomaniac!

I posted a joke here and nobody seemed to notice. A day later somebody else posted my joke and got tons of upvotes.

They weren’t lying when they said one mans trash is another mans treasure.

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A woman was masturbating during her period, when somebody walked in on her.

She was caught red handed.

If ever somebody is gonna rob my house tryna look for money or valuables...

I'd just laugh and search with them

What do you call somebody who hates pencil marks because they're black?

Erasist.

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"
The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

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A drunk guy walks into a bar...

...and orders a shot of Wild Turkey. The bartender says, "I'm not going to serve you. You look intoxicated." The guy says, "I only want one. Then I'll go straight home!" So the bartender says, "OK you can have one." and pours the shot. The guy drinks it and immediately throws up onto his own shirt. ...

Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and...

All I could do was give them a puzzled look.

It’s my cake day but I don’t Reddit for karma. I Reddit for love.

So somebody please love me so I can get off this awful site.

Somebody whacked my head with a telescope today

I was seeing stars

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

How do you know if somebody is curious?

>!if they clicked this to find out how to know that somebody is curious!<

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I ...

It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye....

Then it's just a game of "Find the eye!"

Somebody help me find my apples!

The man cried fruitlessly.

Somebody asked me recently why I took up downhill skiing

I told them uphill skiing was far too difficult

I’m feeling quite confident about that job interview. The interviewer said they want somebody responsible.

“Oh I’m totally your man,” I told her, “whatever problem came up at my last job, they always said I was responsible!”

Somebody told me there's an invasive species of giant frogs destroying local populations all across North America...

... What a bunch of bull.

Somebody has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

The last time I was somebody's type

I was donating blood

Why shouldn't you go out with somebody who got a nose job?

Because they pick their nose

When somebody says that the moon landing was faked

Always reply “pfffft, you believe in the moon”

Somebody stole my generator and I can’t do anything about it.

I feel so powerless.

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