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If I had a penis for every time somebody wanted to fuck me,

I’d be a woman.

There was this drunk walking down the street, and he walks up to this cop and says “Man, somebody stole my car”....

....and the cop looks at him and says “Well, where was it?” and the drunk holds up his car keys says “It was right at the end of this key”.

The cop says “I don’t know man, but why don’t you go down to the precinct and report it down there, they’ll fill out all the proper forms and help you ou...

When somebody calls you a nobody just remember

Nobody is perfect

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

Somebody stole my brother's antidepressants yesterday

I hope they're happy

What do you call somebody who keeps on quitting their diet plans?

A desserter

If I had a dollar for every time somebody over forty told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house and car in the economy they ruined

Somebody stole my identity....

... it's fine though. They took one look and gave it right back. :(

Why shouldn’t you let somebody who just got out of rehab go skiing?

Because it’s a slippery slope

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Somebody called my mom gay.

I was left to wonder which one they meant.

What do you call somebody who says they are Swedish but really aren't?

An artificial Swedener

Before you judge somebody who doesn't use the metric system...

You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.

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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

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When somebody calls you gay

say, "I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on."

Somebody asked me about my thoughts on Assassin’s Creed III...

I told him that it’s a pretty revolutionary game.

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.”...

Recently, I'd been feeling really down about the realization that there's no way anyone could ever get off to somebody as ugly as me

Fortunately, I remembered that Death comes for us all.

If somebody says you're right as rain,

does that mean you're all wet?

What do you call somebody with no body and just a nose

Actually Nobody nose

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Somebody asked me if I'd ever join the "Mile high club"

I said I couldn't give a flying fuck

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Remember, you're somebody's reason to smile.

Because you're a fucking joke.

Somebody says video games don't have any impact on your psyche. I can't agree with that.

My Ex-girlfriend played Tetris a lot in her childhood.



She's still waiting for a long stick.

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

Somebody stole my ruler.

My disappointment is immeasurable.

What do you call somebody who is in love with the moon?

A lunartic

A vegan, a Bitcoin trader, and somebody who didn't vote in 2016 walk into a bar.

Who tells you about it first?

You are dating somebody's ex. Somebody is dating your ex. Your ex is dating somebody's ex

In this life, we are all x-men.

I hit somebody driving my car, and I dont feel bad at all.

I mean, wouldn't you punch somebody trying to steal your car too?

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I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning and as we were leaving the trailer park, somebody shouted, "You're an irresponsible father!"

I shot back, “Who the fuck said that?! Stop the car, son!"

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Whenever I talk dirty to somebody over the phone, they disconnect

I guess you could say I have a lot of sexual hangups.

If somebody gives me one point, that's fine.

But if somebody gives me two points, that's where I draw the line.

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...

Somebody stole my generator and I can’t do anything about it.

I feel so powerless.

Autocorrect sucks! Look what I've sent to somebody in the office by mistake...

- "Next Tuesday I'll lick you, suck you and bite you all night!"

- Hahahaha, what did you want to say?

- Thursday

You know that tingly sensation you get when you fall in love with somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

A husband wants to hire somebody to kill his wife...

After weeks of research, he finally hears tell of a hit man known simply as Arthur, who happens to be in town.

He sets up a meeting with Arthur to schedule the hit.

He and Arthur meet, and the husband gives Arthur his wife's picture, and tells him, "She goes to the grocery store once a...

I had a job interview today and I have a feeling it went well. The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.

“You’ve found your man,” I responded, “whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”

What does a physicist say when they see somebody jump off a cliff

They shake their head and say “So much wasted potential”

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Can somebody please tell me how to calm someone down who's had too much to drink?

At first I asked him if he finished the bottle, and he only got more pissed

I asked him if another one would make him happy, and he just kept screaming.

I jingled his keys in front of him and told him he wasn't allowed to have them, and he practically ran out of oxygen from yelling....

Somebody was shot with a starting pistol...

The police think it might be race related...

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"Doctor, I've got this really weird condition that whenever somebody questions me that I violently shit my pants."

"REALLY?" asked the doctor, laughing.

I said, "Nice try, pal, but I'm not wearing any pants.."

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Somebody once told me that I was going to be a great man

...that asshole lied to me.

When somebody tried to mug me, I raised my magnum...

But then I realized I was bringing an ice-cream to a gunfight.

If somebody makes a play just to insult someone...

Would it be called a diss-play?

Geez, somebody's found the password to my account.

,,Guess I'll have to rename my dog.

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Somebody told me me clothes looked gay

I told them it's because they came out of the closet.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happ...

I'm very grateful that somebody invented window blinds...

Otherwise it would be curtains for all of us!

Somebody must have roofied my drink last night.

I woke up at 4:00 this morning with an irresistible urge to go hammer some shingles.

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Has somebody already posted the joke about peanut butter?

I won't tell you, it might spread

Somebody once told me that I could break a mirror just by looking at it.

They insisted it was hilarious. I didn’t find it funny.

The mirror cracked up though.

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Somebody once told me to ask for forgiveness, not permission...

Great, now I'll never get anal OR dinner ever again

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My teacher can tell when somebody is faking.

I can see why he's so sexually frustrated.

That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.

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A Native American Chief was asked by somebody on his reservation how cold the coming winter will be...

He isn't sure what to say, but to be safe he responds, "It will be very cold. Start collecting firewood to prepare."

Later that week he realizes that he might be wrong with his prediction, so he walks into the city and uses a pay phone to call the local weather station.

He asks them, ...

Somebody attacked Bill Clinton's vice president with a chainsaw.

Witnesses described a mess of blood and Gore.

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Somebody, somewhere, has masturbated while thinking of you

And other lies you can tell yourself

Somebody stole my mood ring

I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

Can somebody help me translate 'orbis terrarum ad mihi' from Latin?

It would mean the world to me.

I once mistook somebody's drink for mine.

It was definitely not my cup of tea.

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If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

Somebody said today that I'm lazy.

I nearly answered him.

Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me...

Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..

If somebody who speaks three languages is trilingual, and somebody who speaks two languages is bilingual, what do you call somebody who speaks only one language?

American.

One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody...

Unless you’re in prison

The last time I was somebody's type

I was donating blood

What do you call somebody who takes things too literally?

A thief.

Somebody should've told Logan Paul the Thai kids in the cave had died.

He would have found them in no time.

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "H...

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I'm pretty sure somebody hid the final paragraph of my essay on the shelf I can't reach

but I don't want to jump to conclusions

Somebody help me find my apples!

The man cried fruitlessly.

What is the best adjective to describe somebody who incessantly makes puns?

PUN-gent!

^^^I'm ^^^sorry

Donald Trump is giving a speech, and his bodyguard spots somebody about to shoot the president...

The bodyguard leaps up and shouts "MICKEY MOUSE"

Confused, the shooter stops and asks, "why did you shout Mickey mouse?"

The bodyguard replies "oh sorry, i meant to say DONALD, DUCK!"

Cuddling with somebody is probably the most comforting thing in the world...

...unless you're in prison.

When you hear somebody shout your name after you have just left pee on the toilet seat,

You know urine trouble

Somebody broke into the police station and stole all the toilets, but no clues were left.

The cops have nothing to go on.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

How lazy are you?

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Baby Bear says “Somebody’s been eating my porridge!”

Then Papa Bear says “Somebody’s been eating my porridge too!”

Mama Bear yells out “Would you two assholes shut up? I haven’t even made the fucking porridge!”

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Fire somebody

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. 

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the...

What do you call somebody who is an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?

Somebody who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

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My wife woke me in the middle of the night and said, "I think there's somebody in our kitchen."

So I went down there with a baseball bat and sorted the fucker out. When I returned to the bedroom, the bat covered in blood, my wife look astonished. She said, "My goodness. You taught him a lesson!" "Yeah," I said, "that will teach our son to never steal one of my beers."

Somebody once argued to me "that which is asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence."

I replied "no it can't."

How do you console somebody with bad grammar skills?

There, their, they're.

What's it called when somebody carelessly walks on train tracks?

A loco motive

My wife complained to me the other day that I'm trying to be somebody that I'm not...

I'm just confused as to how she got into the batcave in the first place.

Compliment somebody on their moustache

and all of a sudden she is not your friend anymore.

Somebody stole my flashlight

I’m not annoyed, i’m just delighted


Credit to u/Inimici on r/darkjokes

Today somebody knocked on my door and asked for a small donation to the local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water.

How can you tell the difference between a golfer and somebody suicidal?

One of them is happy to get a stroke

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A blowjob can make somebody's whole day

But anal will make their hole weak

Somebody drove past me on a tractor yelling "the end of the world is nigh!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon

What is the easiest way to tell if somebody is vegan?

Oh, don't worry. They'll tell you.

LPT: If you know somebody with dyslexia that uses public transport, offer to help them read their timetable to prevent any mixups.

Whoops, wrong bus.

How do you break up with somebody in Italy?

It's not you! It's a me, Mario!

Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just

can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”

Somebody broke into my house yesterday, and stole all my lamps.

I was delighted.

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I phoned the police. I said, "Somebody stole my Viagra!"

The guy said, "Can you expand on that?"

I said, "Yes. That's its exact purpose."

Here's a red light story somebody told me..

A guy's driving along, got someone sitting right next to him and he goes right through a red light.

Passenger: "What are you doing?"
Driver: "Never mind. My brother drives like this"

Goes a little bit further and comes to another red light, drives right through it.

Passenger:...

Three friends: Nobody,Somebody and Mad used to live happily together

Once, Nobody and Somebody had a huge argument and in a fit of rage Somebody killed Nobody .

Horrified, Mad decided to call the cops.
Mad: Hello cops? Somebody just murdered Nobody! You need to come over quick!

Cop: What?

Mad: Somebody killed Nobody!

Cop: Sir, are yo...

If you ever feel your job is meaningless...

Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

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