Somebody threw a bottle of omega-3 capsules at me.

Luckily I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

Somebody whacked my head with a telescope today

I was seeing stars

It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye....

Then it's just a game of "Find the eye!"

Somebody stole all my lamps and lights.

I was very delighted.

Somebody asked me recently why I took up downhill skiing

I told them uphill skiing was far too difficult

Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me

I was like, "What the Hellmann?"

Somebody stole my Microsoft office, and they're going to pay.

You have my word.

Somebody stole my antidepressants.

I hope they’re happy now.

Somebody once said, "watch out for that ball".

I didn't really understand what he meant, but then it hit me.

Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and...

All I could do was give them a puzzled look.

I never thought I'd fall in love but I met somebody who makes me feel like I can fly

My flight instructor.

How do you know if somebody is curious?

>!if they clicked this to find out how to know that somebody is curious!<

What is it called when somebody kills their best friend?

Homiecide

My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested!

I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.

I can't believe somebody had the nerve to break into my house and steal my limbo stick.

I mean seriously, how low can you go?

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

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A woman was masturbating during her period, when somebody walked in on her.

She was caught red handed.

Somebody just stole my mood ring!

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

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A lonely lady decided she wanted to find a good husband to spend the rest of her life with so she placed an advert in the paper. It read:

“Looking for a husband, must not beat me, must not chase me around when I’m with my friends, must be good in bed”

The next day a gentleman called in reply to the advert and said he would be perfect for her. She thought he sounded nice and polite, so she invited him around for dinner.
...

When somebody says Stop...

...I don't know if it's in the name of love, or to collaborate and listen, or if it's hammertime

The three hardest things to say to somebody are: "I love you", "I'm sorry", and...

Worcestershire.

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After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

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A man's wife tells him "if you ever come back drunk again I'll leave you"

One night he goes out to a pub with a mate for a few drinks. They've both had a bit too much and eventually one of them is sick all over himself staining his shirt.

He's very embarrassed and exclaims to his friend "I can't go home looking like this. My wife will leave me!"

His friend c...

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

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Shocking statistics show that somebody in London gets stabbed every 72 seconds

Poor bastard

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Every time somebody tells me that they’re Pansexual...

...I tell them to stay out of my kitchen.

Today, somebody took the time to explain to me the definition of myriad

It means a lot

Somebody sprayed free candy on my van.

The joke is on them, i have no candy.

Some girl has stolen my phone and clicked naked selfies.My cloud is full of them now. Somebody help me find her

I need to give her a charger too.

When somebody makes you really angry, count to three.

When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.

Freddie Mercury: Can anybody find me somebody to love?

**Freddie Saturn:** If you like it then you shoulda put a ring around it.

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

I figured out why President Trump thinks he doesn’t have to wear a mask to protect himself from viruses.

Somebody told him he had diplomatic immunity.

“Somebody’s been sleeping in my bed!” Said the Papa bear

Then the Mama bear divorced him.

Somebody asked me "where do you see yourself in 2 months?"

I said "i dont know, i dont have 2020 vision"

Why some of us might drink.....

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
" Hello ?"


Is your daddy home?" he asked
" Yes ,"
<...

How do you tell if somebody is anorexic?

Give them an onion ring and see if they eat it or use it as a hula hoop.

What happens when somebody steals your heart?

They get cardiac arrested

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A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

What do you answer if somebody tells you that you are the 5th wheel on the wagon?

Yeah, the steering wheel.

What do one legged girls sing?

*All we need is somebody to lean on*

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Whats the difference between a politician and a prostitute

A prostitute is paid to f\*\*k somebody, a politician is paid to f\*\*k everybody

What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opens the fridge's door?

Close the door! I'm dressing

Somebody today was explaining to me how the cryptocurrency market was changing, even though I already knew

It was a bit coin descending

Somebody has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens

Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.

When somebody calls you a nobody just remember

Nobody is perfect

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me

Then someone else told me shootings happened because of video games

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are talking about what they would like to have people say about them at their open casket funeral

The priest begins, “I would like someone to say ‘He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous.’”

“I would like someone to say ‘He was very kind and fair, and was very good to his parishioners’” says the minister.

Then the rabbi shares; “I would like somebody to say ‘look, h...

If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin...

I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.

Why did the sperm cross the road...

Coz somebody wore the wrong socks today.

Somebody stole Satan's hairpiece

There will be Hell toupee!!

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

I remember the Christmas I found out Santa wasn't real.

I wish somebody had warned me because my kids were really disappointed.

Three Guys Go On a Skiing Trip...

Three guys go on a skiing trip but can only find a cabin with one bed, so they all decide to sleep together.

The next morning:

Guy on the right, “I had the strangest dream last night that somebody gave me a handjob.”

Guy on the left, “ I also had the strangest dream that somebod...

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When somebody calls you a gay

Say, "I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on."

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

Extra Large Condoms...

A beautiful woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, “Do you have extra large condoms?”

The pharmacist replies, “Yes, aisle 11.” The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms.

The pharmacist calls over to her, “Do you need some help?”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are like a poop smudge in a boys’ locker room

You won’t go anywhere until somebody pisses you off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call somebody who experiments with Viagra

A try hard

Somebody stole the toilet from the police station.

They're trying to figure out who did it, but they have nothing to go on.

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Remember, you're somebody's reason to smile.

Because you're a fucking joke.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping...

They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson: "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth,...

Somebody stole my identity....

... it's fine though. They took one look and gave it right back. :(

Somebody told me that if you look at the symbols in the corner of a map and see the words "Bloody Rosemary," something horrible will happen.

But that's just an herb in legend.

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

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A young boy applied for a job at a store...

The store manager said: “We are looking for somebody with sales experience but we’re having a holiday sale tomorrow and you can give it a try.”

At the end of the day the manager checked the day sales and was shocked, the boy had sold $79,083.25 worth of merchandise.

He asked the boy ho...

What do you call somebody who keeps on quitting their diet plans?

A desserter

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

What did the pig say when somebody told him he was making cupcakes all wrong?

Listen, I’ve been bacon my whole life.

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happ...

Before you judge somebody who doesn't use the metric system...

You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.”...

So I walked past a wired fence today

Somebody from behind shouted: "Be careful, it might be electrified! If you touch it, you will get the shock of a lifetime!"

I looked the person dead in the eye and without hesitation, I grabbed the fence to prove them wrong

My mother, who was walking next me then told me I was adopted

Dentist: You need a crown

Patient: Finally somebody who understands me

Somebody asked me about my thoughts on Assassin’s Creed III...

I told him that it’s a pretty revolutionary game.

A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink

A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen ...

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...

Why shouldn’t you let somebody who just got out of rehab go skiing?

Because it’s a slippery slope

Somebody stole my generator and I can’t do anything about it.

I feel so powerless.

What do you call somebody who says they are Swedish but really aren't?

An artificial Swedener

Yup, really wonderful.

One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody; unless you are in prison.

An elderly Catholic man is hit by a bus . . .

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, ...

Somebody was shot with a starting pistol...

The police think it might be race related...

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If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

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My wife always complains when I use her toothbrush

If somebody can tell me of a better way of getting shit stains off the back of the toilet bowl I'm all ears.


-Jimmy Carr

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

What do you call somebody with no body and just a nose

Actually Nobody nose

Staying busy with quarantine and just replaced my leaking water heater.

It's a tankless job, but somebody has to do it.

What do you call somebody who is in love with the moon?

A lunartic

That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.

Somebody stole my ruler.

My disappointment is immeasurable.

A vegan, a Bitcoin trader, and somebody who didn't vote in 2016 walk into a bar.

Who tells you about it first?

If somebody says you're right as rain,

does that mean you're all wet?

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go Camping

They spend the day tracking small animals, fishing, and having a grand time by the shores of a remote lake, before cooking up their dinner and settling into their beds and drifting off to sleep.

Sometime after midnight, Holmes wakes up feeling insightful.
He wakes Watson up.

"Watson...

I hit somebody driving my car, and I dont feel bad at all.

I mean, wouldn't you punch somebody trying to steal your car too?

Two guys were talking about an attractive female coworker

Bob: Why do you like her?

John: She likes guys who drive Audis

Bob: Do you have an Audi?

John: No. But she obviously likes having somebody right up her rear end

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Politics is like a frat party

People get crazy and everything gets destroyed and somebody gets fucked

You are dating somebody's ex. Somebody is dating your ex. Your ex is dating somebody's ex

In this life, we are all x-men.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding

The cop walks up to John's car and says, "Are you aware you were going 80 in a 55 zone?"

John: "I'm sorry officer, I don't have the license to this car because I shouldn't even be driving it. I jacked it from the guy I just killed. The gun I used to kill him is right here in the glove box and...

Descartes and Gotye walk into a bar.

They're having some friendly banter, you know? Well, Descartes pops off with this: "Gotye, you're gonna be a one hit wonder, mate."

Gotye chuckles, saying: "No, I don't think..." as he turns into dust.

Now Descartes throws his head back, laughing, and says: "Now you're just somebody t...

Presidents

Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents:

– We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits - saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud ...

– Here, In Russia, when P...

Somebody says video games don't have any impact on your psyche. I can't agree with that.

My Ex-girlfriend played Tetris a lot in her childhood.



She's still waiting for a long stick.

If I had a dollar for every time somebody over forty tells me my generation sucks...

I would be able to afford a house in the economy they ruined.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Somebody asked me if I'd ever join the "Mile high club"

I said I couldn't give a flying fuck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning and as we were leaving the trailer park, somebody shouted, "You're an irresponsible father!"

I shot back, “Who the fuck said that?! Stop the car, son!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2020 one-ish liners

2020 so far:
-Welp, I guess somebody finally fracked their way through the wrong Native burial site.

-You think 7 years bad luck for breaking a mirror is bad? You should see what happens when you let polar ice caps melt.

-Nobody’s trying to keep the Jews as slaves again are they? ‘...

I went to a job fair recently. I walked into the room and cried out "somebody is either going to give me a job today, or you'll have to carry me out of here kicking and screaming!"

WikiLeaks told me I was overqualified.

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3 men are standing in front of Heaven's Door waiting to be let in when St. Peter says, "Sorry, boys, but Heaven has met their quota for the day

; however, if you tell me how you died and it is interesting enough, I will let you in."

The first man says, " I am a respectable businessman who lives with my wife in a condo on the 12th floor of The Rains Building. I suspected that my wife has been cheating on me, so I left work two hours e...

Bang bang

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then...

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