UPJOKE
someoneanybodyanyoneanythingsomethingpersonnobodyeverybodywhatevermyselfwhatnothingnativeworkeranyway

Russian soldier is walking in only one shoe. Somebody asks: Did you lost one?

No, I've found one

Pamela Adlon told this joke on Somebody Feed Phil. Have never heard it before, it caught me off guard, and I loved it

Old man Rosenberg is laying on his death bed in his family’s home. All of a sudden he gets a whiff of the best thing he’s ever smelled.
“What is that glorious smell?? I know that smell. Oh lord it’s my daughters famous brisket.”
A few minutes go by and his grandson Ezra comes into his room. <...

How does somebody become a philosopher?

Well, there's no short answer.

What did Janis Joplin say when somebody stole her “wet floor” sign?

“Take it. Take another little piso mojado, baby.”

Knew somebody who used to live in a giant tire.

He got a puncture one day……..
#
#
#
Now he lives in a flat.

A single person is somebody who believes in

life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

My friend said that if you sit on your hand for long enough it feels like somebody else is doing it.

It's been twenty minutes and it still feels like I'm sitting on my hand.

My buddy asked me if I could sleep with somebody dead of alive, who would it be?

I said obviously somebody alive.

If somebody wants to say the word “motel“ backwards

just letom.

What do you call somebody with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

I was walking home and somebody threw a mayonnaise jar at my head

I turned round and shouted What the hell man

Somebody stole my mood ring

I don’t know how to feel about it.

Bubba

Once When Bubba got a new job, he says to his new boss, “Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!”

His boss doesn't believe him, so he says “No you do not know everyone in the whole world.”

Bubba says “Yes I do!”

Bubba's boss says “Well prove it!”

Bubba says...

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Somebody once told me a story…

…and today I’d like to share it with you:

Once upon a time, there was a farmer in Scotland. His name was William McKellen.

William had a faithful horse, named Star. She was his best friend out there in the Highlands.

Every morning, the two would go out to the grass fields. Far...

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why is my wife pregnant?

A man told the doctor, "My wife’s pregnant, but we haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t understand it."



The doctor said, "It’s what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."



"What’s a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man.



The doctor replied...

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

I don’t know who this Bill guy is,

Can somebody tell me why they keep on sending me mail?

At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head...

He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution….

“You don't want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She would make lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at...

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

Somebody stole my anti depressants..

Whoever you are.. I hope you’re fking happy!

Did you hear that somebody killed a majority of the birds?

It’s a murder of most fowl

A collector of rare books ran into a friend who told him he had just thrown out an old Bible that he had found in a dusty old box.

The collector's friend mentioned that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed the Bible.

"You don't mean Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You fool! You've thrown out one of the first books ever printed! A copy was recently auctioned off for hundreds of thousand...

Hi all, we're looking for somebody seriously interested in a threesome

We are a man looking for two women.

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What do flags and my penis have in common?

They both stand at half mast when somebody dies.

Somebody threw Omega-3 pills at me today.

I got super fish oil injuries

What’s the most underrated joke you’ve heard in a movie?

Mine is from The Hangover:

Alan: I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.

Phil: How'd he die?

Alan: World War II.

Phil: Died in battle?

Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World Wa...

Somebody stole my diary and my rosary.

My thoughts and prayers are with them.

Somebody offered me free Hamilton tickets if they could have my place in line at the Covid vaccination clinic, but I had to turn them down.

Not throwing away my shot!

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

Not sure if you knew this, but if you rearrange the letters in LGBTQ...

Somebody will probably get offended...

Somebody asked me to name two structures that hold water.

I was like well damn.

How do you know if somebody has to much free time?

They're on reddit looking for a laugh.

I'll see myself out.

What do you call somebody who comes between a cannibal and their meal?

An appetizer.

Somebody told me that I look like a vampire.

I looked in the mirror but I just don't see it.

Somebody robbed the bakery the other day

Well, that just takes the cake!

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How are boobs and martinis alike?

They’re both good shaken.

Also, I wanted to see whether this joke has been posted before. But I don’t see where the search feature is for r/jokes. Can somebody explain where I can find that?

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Perhaps a holdup too..

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took the first man to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will foll...

Why did the computer freeze?

Because somebody left Windows open.

Walking in the woods, I encountered a naked man wearing a fine silk hat.

"Excuse me, sir, but why are you naked?"

"Well, why not? No one ever comes back here."

"Well in that case, sir, why the silk hat?"

"Well, you never know. Somebody might."

Somebody threw a rock at me with bgna written on it

That's bang out of order

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Quack

A farmer is dying on his bed and debates on how he will split up the estate between his three sons. So he makes a contest and explains it to them that each with get a duck and who ever can get the most for the duck will inherit everything.

So the first son ventured out with his duck and spen...

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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today..

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

Burglars are getting more clever, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night "I think there is somebody downstairs" she said. So I got up and went downstairs and checked ever room..

Then I realized I wasn't married....

A letter from Walmart

Dear Mrs. Samples:

Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have ...

How do you anger a European?

It isn’t a colony if somebody already lives there.

I was cryogenically frozen for a while, then somebody woke me up early.

I really lost my cool.

Apparently, it is rude to poke somebody in the forehead

and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you ....

Parachute lessons

So, I'm on a flying plane, taking my parachute jumping lessons. One of the guys told me: "Wait here, stay close to the door, the instructor will strap himself to you and you'll jump together. Don't do anything without your instructor, he has the parachute, he knows everything and he will guide you o...

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

I went to a Halloween party

I decided to dress as a clown. On my way to the party, a man in a suit stopped me. He said he was glad he finally found me. I had to explain that he must have me confused for somebody else, but he told me I was dressed like him. I explained that I was just wearing a costume, but he laughed it of...

If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...

Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping

In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up and asks “tell me, Watson, what do you observe?”

Watson replies “it is a clear, cloudless sky. To the east I see the constellation of Orion whereby I can trail the handle of the plough pointing to Polaris, the North Star. As my eyes adjust to ...

Somebody stole my Microsoft office, and they're going to pay.

You have my word.

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If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

What's the difference between a Tornado, and a divorce in the south?

Nothing. Somebody is losing a trailer.
-Robin Williams

I used to live a hand to mouth existence.

Then somebody told me about silverware.

can somebody tell me how statistics are done

mathematician: by all means

Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor

and asks "what flavors do you have?"

The attendant says "over there on the signs on the wall, you'll see them all"

Clients goes "Ehm, well I'll have a cone with two scoops of *Mondays Closed*."

Somebody once told me that I was very mean

I said that's not true, sometimes I'm very median

Sorry, that was an average joke

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Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

What do Lucy from the Despicable Me franchise and a somebody playing Zork have in common?

They were both eaten by a Gru

I called my local Weight Watchers and said "It's an emergency, can you send somebody round?"

They said "Yes we can, we've got loads of them"

My wife and I have decided we don’t want kids, after all.

If somebody out there does, we can bring them by tomorrow, anytime after 3 PM.

I am so mad.

I had 2 WNBA tickets in my car.

Somebody broke into my car last night and I have 4 WNBA tickets now.

Somebody asked if I like potato skins.

It was a loaded question!

When you register on your birthday, so at least somebody congratulates you.

It's not going well.

A man decided to open a farm.

He went to the store and asked for a hen. The store owner said "Sure! They're called pullets around here." The man also asked for a goose. The owner said "Sure, but we call those peckers here!" Lastly, the man asked for a donkey. The owner said "They're called asses around here. I'll sell you mine, ...

Somebody was shot with a starting pistol...

The police think it might be race related...

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Somebody told my g/f it was sexy to bite her lip posing for photographs....

I still haven't found the courage to tell her its the bottom lip you bite......





(you just tried to bite your upper lip)

Somebody stole all my lamps and lights.

I was very delighted.

That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.

How does life feel for somebody who is short and crippled?

A little lame.

Somebody robbed the police department yesterday and stole all the toilets

Sadly, the detectives have nothing to go on

Waiting in line to vote, somebody pulls up and asks " How long have you been waiting to vote?"

Some guy in the back of the line yells "FOUR YEARS!"

What's the difference between heaven and Scotland?

In heaven you might hear somebody say "Hey you, get off my cloud" in Scotland you might hear somebody say "Hey McCloud get off my ewe"

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

Somebody stole all the books in the White House

Donald was fuming he hadn't finished colouring them in

How do you feed a 90 foot long pet anaconda?

Once. After that somebody else feeds it once.

How can you tell the difference a nerd and somebody who is into BDSM?

Ask them their definition of dungeon master.

Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.

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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

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Remember, you're somebody's reason to smile.

Because you're a fucking joke.

Somebody asked me to sign his petition to save the planet

It was to reinstate Pluto.

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Yo guys, my dick was in somebody's mouth last night!

But my back really hurts now.

Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

My dad and I were in a field husking corn

Years ago we were out in the cornfield. Then I start complaining about somebody for a bit.

My dad: you know you shouldn't say those things about them in this field

Me: why?

My dad: there's a lot of ears out here

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Every time somebody tells me that they’re Pansexual...

...I tell them to stay out of my kitchen.

When somebody calls you a nobody just remember

Nobody is perfect

Somebody asked why I was hiding at work?

“Because a good employee is always hard to find”

My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested!

I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.

Do you really care about somebody else’s mental health...

...if you don’t post on your story about it?

The three hardest things to say to somebody are: "I love you", "I'm sorry", and...

Worcestershire.

What do you call it when somebody with no kids tells a Dad Joke?

Un Faux Pa

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51.

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

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A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

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A woman was masturbating during her period, when somebody walked in on her.

She was caught red handed.

Somebody has stolen one of my Mr Men books.

I'm absolutely fuming and have vowed revenge... No more Mr Nice Guy.

What do you call somebody who hates pencil marks because they're black?

Erasist.

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I ...

Somebody called me condescending the other day...

It means that you talk down to people.

I posted a joke here and nobody seemed to notice. A day later somebody else posted my joke and got tons of upvotes.

They weren’t lying when they said one mans trash is another mans treasure.

Somebody keeps leaving pictures of Kylie Minogue in the bushes in front of my house.

I just can’t get her out of my hedge.

Where do you take somebody who has been injured in a Peek-A-Boo accident?

To the I C U

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