The 114+ Best Somebody Jokes

At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head...

He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happ...

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If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

I went for the job interview and the interviewer said they are looking for somebody who is responsible....

I said 'I'm your guy!'

They asked why...

'Well at my old job if something went wrong, something went missing or somebody got hurt, they always said I was responsible'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

I was walking home and somebody threw a mayonnaise jar at my head

I turned round and shouted What the hell man

Somebody stole all the toilets in the police station

The cops have nothing to go on

Somebody stole my mood ring

I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

Somebody was shot with a starting pistol...

The police think it might be race related...

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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to t...

Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me...

Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

What did Janis Joplin say when somebody stole her “wet floor” sign?

“Take it. Take another little piso mojado, baby.”

That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.

What do you call someone who is desperate for some lovin' from somebody dressed as an animal?

Furrsty.

Could somebody please tell the name of the 80's comedy based in a bar in Boston starring Ted Danson. I can't for the life of me remember it's name.

Cheers

Russian soldier is walking in only one shoe. Somebody asks: Did you lost one?

No, I've found one

Somebody made a cake shaped like Canada, and sliced it to match the province/territory borders

I said I wanted the largest piece, but they told me I could have none of it

What do you call somebody who sits on the fence about religion, but argues against both sides anyway?

Antagnostic.

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After I left my husband, he met somebody who could fuck him better than I could

The divorce lawyer.

What do you call somebody with the PHD in the field of drink carbonation?

A Fizzician.

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.

Somebody told me I was condescending today.

Since you probably don't know what that means, its when you talk down to people.

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...

Somebody spray painted "procrastinating prick!" on the side of my house.

When I find out who did it, their years are numbered.

what's it called when somebody is sick at an airport?

A terminal illness

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

Pamela Adlon told this joke on Somebody Feed Phil. Have never heard it before, it caught me off guard, and I loved it

Old man Rosenberg is laying on his death bed in his family’s home. All of a sudden he gets a whiff of the best thing he’s ever smelled.
“What is that glorious smell?? I know that smell. Oh lord it’s my daughters famous brisket.”
A few minutes go by and his grandson Ezra comes into his room. <...

Somebody stole my Microsoft office, and they're going to pay.

You have my word.

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I ...

Knew somebody who used to live in a giant tire.

He got a puncture one day……..
#
#
#
Now he lives in a flat.

If somebody is looking to hook up with a girl over 6 foot tall

They really want 2 meter

How does somebody become a philosopher?

Well, there's no short answer.

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

If somebody wants to say the word “motel“ backwards

just letom.

My buddy asked me if I could sleep with somebody dead of alive, who would it be?

I said obviously somebody alive.

My friend said that if you sit on your hand for long enough it feels like somebody else is doing it.

It's been twenty minutes and it still feels like I'm sitting on my hand.

What do you call somebody with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

The last time I was somebody's type

I was donating blood

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Remember, you're somebody's reason to smile.

Because you're a fucking joke.

Hi all, we're looking for somebody seriously interested in a threesome

We are a man looking for two women.

Somebody asked me to name two structures that hold water.

I was like well damn.

Did you hear that somebody killed a majority of the birds?

It’s a murder of most fowl

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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

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Somebody once told me a story…

…and today I’d like to share it with you:

Once upon a time, there was a farmer in Scotland. His name was William McKellen.

William had a faithful horse, named Star. She was his best friend out there in the Highlands.

Every morning, the two would go out to the grass fields. Far...

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

Burglars are getting more clever, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night "I think there is somebody downstairs" she said. So I got up and went downstairs and checked ever room..

Then I realized I wasn't married....

Compliment somebody on their moustache

and all of a sudden she is not your friend anymore.

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

Somebody stole my anti depressants..

Whoever you are.. I hope you’re fking happy!

When somebody calls you a nobody just remember

Nobody is perfect

Somebody told me that I look like a vampire.

I looked in the mirror but I just don't see it.

Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.

Somebody stole my diary and my rosary.

My thoughts and prayers are with them.

Somebody said today that I'm lazy.

I nearly answered him.

Somebody offered me free Hamilton tickets if they could have my place in line at the Covid vaccination clinic, but I had to turn them down.

Not throwing away my shot!

A lone cowboy nobody knew walks into a mining town bar..

He orders two drinks which he downs slowly. When he was done with his drinks, he paid the bartender and walks out to see that his horse with all his stuff is missing.

He turns around, walks back in the bar, pulls his guns from his holster and shoots them in the air.

"Which ever one o...

Somebody robbed the bakery the other day

Well, that just takes the cake!

How do you know if somebody has to much free time?

They're on reddit looking for a laugh.

I'll see myself out.

What do you call somebody who comes between a cannibal and their meal?

An appetizer.

Apparently, it is rude to poke somebody in the forehead

and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you ....

If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...

Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway

Somebody threw a rock at me with bgna written on it

That's bang out of order

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Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?

A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

Edit: As somebody observed below, this joke is as old as the sun, yet never gets old.

Considering all the comments, it's a fair conclusion that hookers would make honest politicians, if there is such a thing.

can somebody tell me how statistics are done

mathematician: by all means

I was cryogenically frozen for a while, then somebody woke me up early.

I really lost my cool.

Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor

and asks "what flavors do you have?"

The attendant says "over there on the signs on the wall, you'll see them all"

Clients goes "Ehm, well I'll have a cone with two scoops of *Mondays Closed*."

Somebody once told me that I was very mean

I said that's not true, sometimes I'm very median

Sorry, that was an average joke

What do Lucy from the Despicable Me franchise and a somebody playing Zork have in common?

They were both eaten by a Gru

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Every time somebody tells me that they’re Pansexual...

...I tell them to stay out of my kitchen.

I called my local Weight Watchers and said "It's an emergency, can you send somebody round?"

They said "Yes we can, we've got loads of them"

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

When you register on your birthday, so at least somebody congratulates you.

It's not going well.

Somebody asked if I like potato skins.

It was a loaded question!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.

¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

I once mistook somebody's drink for mine.

It was definitely not my cup of tea.

How does life feel for somebody who is short and crippled?

A little lame.

The three hardest things to say to somebody are: "I love you", "I'm sorry", and...

Worcestershire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Somebody told my g/f it was sexy to bite her lip posing for photographs....

I still haven't found the courage to tell her its the bottom lip you bite......

(you just tried to bite your upper lip)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

Edit: Front and Gold. Thank you.

Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before.

Waiting in line to vote, somebody pulls up and asks " How long have you been waiting to vote?"

Some guy in the back of the line yells "FOUR YEARS!"

My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested!

I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

Somebody asked why I was hiding at work?

“Because a good employee is always hard to find”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Native American Chief was asked by somebody on his reservation how cold the coming winter will be...

He isn't sure what to say, but to be safe he responds, "It will be very cold. Start collecting firewood to prepare."

Later that week he realizes that he might be wrong with his prediction, so he walks into the city and uses a pay phone to call the local weather station.

He asks them, ...

Somebody asked me to sign his petition to save the planet

It was to reinstate Pluto.

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

How can you tell the difference a nerd and somebody who is into BDSM?

Ask them their definition of dungeon master.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yo guys, my dick was in somebody's mouth last night!

But my back really hurts now.

Can somebody help me translate 'orbis terrarum ad mihi' from Latin?

It would mean the world to me.

I posted a joke here and nobody seemed to notice. A day later somebody else posted my joke and got tons of upvotes.

They weren’t lying when they said one mans trash is another mans treasure.

What do you call it when somebody with no kids tells a Dad Joke?

Un Faux Pa

Somebody stole all the books in the White House

Donald was fuming he hadn't finished colouring them in

Somebody has stolen one of my Mr Men books.

I'm absolutely fuming and have vowed revenge... No more Mr Nice Guy.

Do you really care about somebody else’s mental health...

...if you don’t post on your story about it?

Somebody stole my generator and I can’t do anything about it.

I feel so powerless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

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A woman was masturbating during her period, when somebody walked in on her.

She was caught red handed.

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

Where do you take somebody who has been injured in a Peek-A-Boo accident?

To the I C U

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming beards?

A clipptomaniac!

If you ever feel your job is meaningless...

Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

Somebody keeps leaving pictures of Kylie Minogue in the bushes in front of my house.

I just can’t get her out of my hedge.

Somebody has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens

What do you call somebody who hates pencil marks because they're black?

Erasist.

Somebody whacked my head with a telescope today

I was seeing stars

Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me

Then someone else told me shootings happened because of video games

Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and...

All I could do was give them a puzzled look.

It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye....

Then it's just a game of "Find the eye!"

Somebody asked me recently why I took up downhill skiing

I told them uphill skiing was far too difficult

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