So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

Somebody asked me to name two structures that hold water.

I was like well damn.

Somebody threw a rock at me with bgna written on it

That's bang out of order

Somebody robbed the bakery the other day

Well, that just takes the cake!

I was cryogenically frozen for a while, then somebody woke me up early.

I really lost my cool.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today..

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head...

He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.

What do Lucy from the Despicable Me franchise and a somebody playing Zork have in common?

They were both eaten by a Gru

Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me yesterday

I was like, “what the Hellman?!”

Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor

and asks "what flavors do you have?"

The attendant says "over there on the signs on the wall, you'll see them all"

Clients goes "Ehm, well I'll have a cone with two scoops of *Mondays Closed*."

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

Burglars are getting more clever, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night "I think there is somebody downstairs" she said. So I got up and went downstairs and checked ever room..

Then I realized I wasn't married....

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Somebody once told me that I was very mean

I said that's not true, sometimes I'm very median

Sorry, that was an average joke

Somebody asked if I like potato skins.

It was a loaded question!

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

Hey, could somebody remind me how to increase the hertz rate to my monitor?

I need a quick refresher.

Apparently, it is rude to poke somebody in the forehead

and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you ....

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

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It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “W...

If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...

Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

Somebody asked me to sign his petition to save the planet

It was to reinstate Pluto.

can somebody tell me how statistics are done

mathematician: by all means

Somebody once gave me advice on dating to “just be yourself” and “be the true you”...

...he was an actor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Somebody told my g/f it was sexy to bite her lip posing for photographs....

I still haven't found the courage to tell her its the bottom lip you bite......





(you just tried to bite your upper lip)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

How do you know somebody got the COVID vaccine?

Don’t worry, they will tell you.

Somebody asked why I was hiding at work?

“Because a good employee is always hard to find”

Somebody has stolen one of my Mr Men books.

I'm absolutely fuming and have vowed revenge... No more Mr Nice Guy.

When you register on your birthday, so at least somebody congratulates you.

It's not going well.

How can you tell the difference a nerd and somebody who is into BDSM?

Ask them their definition of dungeon master.

A teacher at a religious school was trying to teach her students that violence is never the answer.

Teacher: "When do you think it's alright to use violence?"

*A little girl raises her hand.*

Teacher: "Yes, Sophie?"

Sophie: "When someone tries to take your stuff(?)"

Teacher: "No. If someone tries to take your belongings, try to talk to them or tell a superior. Anyone el...

Somebody robbed the police department yesterday and stole all the toilets

Sadly, the detectives have nothing to go on

What do you call it when somebody with no kids tells a Dad Joke?

Un Faux Pa

Somebody just stole my Microsoft Office 365 account

I've already contacted Microsoft support. I will track them down and get my account back, they've got my *Word*.

I’m looking for a sign language practice partner…

Could somebody lend me a hand?

OC by myself.

Waiting in line to vote, somebody pulls up and asks " How long have you been waiting to vote?"

Some guy in the back of the line yells "FOUR YEARS!"

Do you really care about somebody else’s mental health...

...if you don’t post on your story about it?

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Yo guys, my dick was in somebody's mouth last night!

But my back really hurts now.

Somebody called me condescending the other day...

It means that you talk down to people.

Somebody stole all the books in the White House

Donald was fuming he hadn't finished colouring them in

What do you call somebody who hates pencil marks because they're black?

Erasist.

Drunk walks up to a beat cop

Says, "Ociffer, somebody stole my car!"

Cop says, "well where was it when you last saw it?"

Drunk holds up his keychain says, "it was right here on the end of this key!"

Cop looks the drunk up and down, points over the drunks shoulder says, " you'll need to go down to the precin...

Somebody keeps leaving pictures of Kylie Minogue in the bushes in front of my house.

I just can’t get her out of my hedge.

Somebody threw a bottle of omega-3 capsules at me.

Luckily I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

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What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming beards?

A clipptomaniac!

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

Where do you take somebody who has been injured in a Peek-A-Boo accident?

To the I C U

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[NSFW] A joke my cousin heard from an amateur comedian in a New York show

I was at an anti-police violence rally and somebody was shouting "Cops suck dick! Cops suck dick!" And I thought to myself... "Man, if cops did suck dick I'd be committing crimes all the time!"

Somebody stole all my lamps and lights.

I was very delighted.

I was walking home and somebody threw a block of cheese at my head

It wasn't very mature.

At a meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the workers about their bright future in the USSR.

At a meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the workers about their bright future in the USSR.

"See, comrades, after this five-year plan is completed, every family will have a separate apartment. After the next five-year plan is completed, every worker will h...

Glass eye

A guy just exited a high rise hotel on the beach and he's walking along the sand and boom something hits his foot. After further examination he sees that it's a glass eye. He immediately looks up and there's a beautiful woman on the 3rd floor looking over the balcony and he shout's "is this your gla...

Somebody told me there's an invasive species of giant frogs destroying local populations all across North America...

... What a bunch of bull.

I don't consider my self a necrophilia,

... but more of a paleontologist.

What is it called when somebody kills their best friend?

Homiecide

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My new wife doesn’t believe in post-marital sex either

Says she wants to save herself for somebody special.

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

The queen arrives in New York and hops in a limousine....

She looks at the car and asks the driver if she could drive, because she said she never drives in Britain, and wants to see what its like. So the driver and the queen switch seats and she starts driving 50, 80, 100 mph. She eventually gets pulled over and roles down the window, and the cop is shocke...

Why shouldn't you go out with somebody who got a nose job?

Because they pick their nose

Ten years ago today, Gotye released his big hit.

I don't hear anything about him at all nowadays. Now he's just Somebody That I Used to Know.

My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested!

I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.

Somebody whacked my head with a telescope today

I was seeing stars

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There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody ...

Somebody stole my first edition copies of 1984 and Animal Farm.

Oh well.

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Somebody fed my donkey a whole rooster

Who put their cock in my ass?

Somebody just stole my mood ring!

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate after his death. Saint Peter opens the door, looks at him and says: "Welcome to live after death. What is your name?" The pope is slightly irritated and answers: "I am the pope." "Pope who?", Peter asks. "Pope Francis, you should know who I am!" the pope says, a ...

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If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye....

Then it's just a game of "Find the eye!"

I posted a joke here and nobody seemed to notice. A day later somebody else posted my joke and got tons of upvotes.

They weren’t lying when they said one mans trash is another mans treasure.

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A woman was masturbating during her period, when somebody walked in on her.

She was caught red handed.

The three hardest things to say to somebody are: "I love you", "I'm sorry", and...

Worcestershire.

Somebody asked me recently why I took up downhill skiing

I told them uphill skiing was far too difficult

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Every time somebody tells me that they’re Pansexual...

...I tell them to stay out of my kitchen.

Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and...

All I could do was give them a puzzled look.

How do you know if somebody is curious?

>!if they clicked this to find out how to know that somebody is curious!<

Take off Your Clothes And Get to Work

A Indian Man runs into his office, wearing only a hat and carrying a briefcase. His boss stops him and says, "What are you doing, man? Do you realize you're naked? Shouldn't this be your day off?"


He calmly explains that he was on a party when suddenly the lights went out. Some voice sa...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

He puts the octopus down on a barstool and tells everyone in the bar,

"this is the world's most talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument you can find - in fact, i'll bet $100 that nobody here has an instrument that this octopus can't play."

Somebody in the bar pulls out a g...

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Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

What’s the difference between somebody who doesn’t drink milk and somebody who dislikes amputees?

One is lactose intolerant, the other is lack toes intolerant

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Politics is like a frat party.

People get crazy, everything gets destroyed, and somebody gets fucked..

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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.

Whose job is it, anyway?

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Any...

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

When somebody calls you a nobody just remember

Nobody is perfect

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A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

In the US cops are called pigs, in Russia they call them goats.

A man shows up at a police station in Russia and says there is a dead goat on the road two blocks away. The cops are like There was no need to come here, call the city or whatever. The guy says Well, I thought when somebody dies the first thing they do is inform their relatives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember, you're somebody's reason to smile.

Because you're a fucking joke.

Somebody once said, "watch out for that ball".

I didn't really understand what he meant, but then it hit me.

Somebody was shot with a starting pistol...

The police think it might be race related...

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...

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Old geezers sharing jokes

Group of old geezers been getting together at the same bar for decades. They always tell each other jokes. After awhile they know all the jokes so well, they just designate a number. Like ole Joe would say, 103, and everybody would be laughing their ass off. One day a toothless Jack said 10,587!...

I tried my best to translate this from Romanian

A nun walks into a bar and goes straight to the bartender

Nun: Hi! May I use your bathroom?

Bartender: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.

Nun: Yes?

Bartender: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude wearing nothing but a lea...

That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.

I never thought I'd fall in love but I met somebody who makes me feel like I can fly

My flight instructor.

A gynecologist is driving along one day...

...when his car starts spluttering. He takes it to a nearby mechanic who proceeds to spend 15 minutes under the hood finds and fixes the problem and proceeds to declare that the car is good to go. After receiving the bill the gynecologist is appalled, the mechanic makes far far far more money that h...

Somebody has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens

When somebody makes you really angry, count to three.

When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.

Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."

I was going to join the debating team

but somebody talked me out of it.

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

Today, somebody took the time to explain to me the definition of myriad

It means a lot

When somebody says Stop...

...I don't know if it's in the name of love, or to collaborate and listen, or if it's hammertime

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Shocking statistics show that somebody in London gets stabbed every 72 seconds

Poor bastard

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me

Then someone else told me shootings happened because of video games

What happens when somebody steals your heart?

They get cardiac arrested

The other day, somebody stole my shoes

I thought that was way below the belt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Commando was sent on a mission in occupied country

General gives him the details. ‘You will arrive at the spot at 5am, there will be a plane waiting for you. When you will be in the air, open the sealed letter with the details of the mission, it will be in the plane, along with the parachute. Once you will be above the drop zone, jump off the plane ...

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an a...

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.”...

What do you answer if somebody tells you that you are the 5th wheel on the wagon?

Yeah, the steering wheel.

How are a divorce in Oklahoma and a tornado alike?

Somebody's going to lose a trailer...

Somebody asked me "where do you see yourself in 2 months?"

I said "i dont know, i dont have 2020 vision"

What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opens the fridge's door?

Close the door! I'm dressing

Before you judge somebody who doesn't use the metric system...

You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

Somebody stole my generator and I can’t do anything about it.

I feel so powerless.

Somebody stole Satan's hairpiece

There will be Hell toupee!!

Some girl has stolen my phone and clicked naked selfies.My cloud is full of them now. Somebody help me find her

I need to give her a charger too.

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