I was walking home and somebody threw a mayonnaise jar at my head

I turned round and shouted What the hell man

Did you hear that somebody killed a majority of the birds?

It’s a murder of most fowl

Hi all, we're looking for somebody seriously interested in a threesome

We are a man looking for two women.

Somebody offered me free Hamilton tickets if they could have my place in line at the Covid vaccination clinic, but I had to turn them down.

Not throwing away my shot!

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

Somebody stole my diary and my rosary.

My thoughts and prayers are with them.

How do you know somebody is a minimalist?

He‘ll tell you.

At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head...

He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked, “Do you know someone called Lisa?” “Nope”, I replied. “You must know somebody called Lisa”, she said. “Actually, that’s the name of my dog who died when I was a young kid. Why?” I replied.

“Because your dead dog just texted you and she fancies a shag tonight!”

Somebody threw Omega-3 pills at me today.

I got super fish oil injuries

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

How do you know if somebody has to much free time?

They're on reddit looking for a laugh.

I'll see myself out.

What do you call somebody who comes between a cannibal and their meal?

An appetizer.

Somebody told me that I look like a vampire.

I looked in the mirror but I just don't see it.

Somebody asked me to name two structures that hold water.

I was like well damn.

Extra large condoms...

A beautiful woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, “Do you have extra large condoms?” The pharmacist replies, “Yes, aisle 11.” The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, “Do you need some help?” The woman replies, “...

Somebody robbed the bakery the other day

Well, that just takes the cake!

Somebody threw a rock at me with bgna written on it

That's bang out of order

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"...

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today..

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I was cryogenically frozen for a while, then somebody woke me up early.

I really lost my cool.

It’s my cake day but I don’t Reddit for karma. I Reddit for love.

So somebody please love me so I can get off this awful site.

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

What is a double entendre?

can somebody fill me in?

Burglars are getting more clever, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night "I think there is somebody downstairs" she said. So I got up and went downstairs and checked ever room..

Then I realized I wasn't married....

What do Lucy from the Despicable Me franchise and a somebody playing Zork have in common?

They were both eaten by a Gru

A young jock enters a pharmacy to buy condoms

Knowing the pharmacists is an old-fashioned gentleman and noticing a slight frown on his face, the young man decides to have some fun at his expenses by asking for another pack, remarking "you know, my girlfriend truly sounded thirsty last time I talked to her... Better be sure we don't run out!"...

Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor

and asks "what flavors do you have?"

The attendant says "over there on the signs on the wall, you'll see them all"

Clients goes "Ehm, well I'll have a cone with two scoops of *Mondays Closed*."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life lessons,truly

A boy and his daddy are driving down an old country road. The boy looks out the window of the truck and sees 2 dogs getting it on on the side of the road. He turns, and looks at his father and asks "Dad,what's all that about?"
His father thinks quickly,then replies
"Well, son that right the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk guy walks into a bar...

...and orders a shot of Wild Turkey. The bartender says, "I'm not going to serve you. You look intoxicated." The guy says, "I only want one. Then I'll go straight home!" So the bartender says, "OK you can have one." and pours the shot. The guy drinks it and immediately throws up onto his own shirt. ...

I called my local Weight Watchers and said "It's an emergency, can you send somebody round?"

They said "Yes we can, we've got loads of them"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

A neurologist was diagnosing a patient who lost his ability to do basic math

"What’s 9 plus 9?”
“12”.
“What’s 8 and 8?”
“10”.
The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?”
The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.
“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. “Somebody’s clearly put a hex on you.”

Fighting buddies

There were 3 oddly named friends, Somebody, Nobody and Oncrack. One day, an argument broke between Somebody & Nobody. The argument escalated, and a serious fight broke out. Oncrack tried to stop but couldn't succeed. Blood started dripping in the fight. OnCrack immediately thought of calling cop...

Somebody once told me that I was very mean

I said that's not true, sometimes I'm very median

Sorry, that was an average joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes home from work early

He enters the house and hears some commotion coming from the bedroom, as he enters the bedroom he finds his wife, completely naked and panting on the bed. He immediately suspects that she's cheating on him and he searches the house but there's nobody to be found, at last he checks the balcony and he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...

Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway

Somebody asked if I like potato skins.

It was a loaded question!

Hey, could somebody remind me how to increase the hertz rate to my monitor?

I need a quick refresher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife of a very rich man dies from illness.

To honor her, the widower announces a big funeral in his huge resort, where everyone they knew is invited. The guests arrive, and after the first day is over, everyone is preparing to go to sleep. As there are not enough rooms to accommodate everyone, the widower had 2 grand salons prepared with bed...

A nun walks in to a bar

A nun named merry walks into a PPCW bar and goes straight to the bartender Guy,
merry: Hi! May I use your bathroom?
Bartender Guy: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.
merry: Yes?
Bartender Guy: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude ...

Apparently, it is rude to poke somebody in the forehead

and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you ....

What do you call someone who can’t make a good joke?

Somebody who can’t make a good joke

can somebody tell me how statistics are done

mathematician: by all means

How does life feel for somebody who is short and crippled?

A little lame.

Somebody stole my Microsoft office, and they're going to pay.

You have my word.

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Somebody told my g/f it was sexy to bite her lip posing for photographs....

I still haven't found the courage to tell her its the bottom lip you bite......





(you just tried to bite your upper lip)

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Somebody asked me to sign his petition to save the planet

It was to reinstate Pluto.

How do you know somebody got the COVID vaccine?

Don’t worry, they will tell you.

When you register on your birthday, so at least somebody congratulates you.

It's not going well.

Somebody asked why I was hiding at work?

“Because a good employee is always hard to find”

Somebody has stolen one of my Mr Men books.

I'm absolutely fuming and have vowed revenge... No more Mr Nice Guy.

Somebody robbed the police department yesterday and stole all the toilets

Sadly, the detectives have nothing to go on

A guy gets from a plane and goes to a brothel house, he knocks on the door and an attractive woman opens the door.

"I wanna see Natalie".

The lady looks the man up and down, he clearly doesn't have a lot of money.

"Sir to see Natalie you will have to pay $1,000 for half an hour"

"Is no problem, I have ze money"

Just then a gorgeous brunette in a black evening gown comes dow...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “W...

A stranded man

Young man’s fishing boat is blown off course and he ends up stranded on a small island. He gets along OK but he’s very lonely. Then, one day, A yacht sinks off of his island. A young woman, the only survivor, swims ashore wearing a wetsuit. He greets her and she is surprised to find somebody else on...

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

How can you tell the difference a nerd and somebody who is into BDSM?

Ask them their definition of dungeon master.

Somebody just stole my Microsoft Office 365 account

I've already contacted Microsoft support. I will track them down and get my account back, they've got my *Word*.

Waiting in line to vote, somebody pulls up and asks " How long have you been waiting to vote?"

Some guy in the back of the line yells "FOUR YEARS!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

What do you call it when somebody with no kids tells a Dad Joke?

Un Faux Pa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yo guys, my dick was in somebody's mouth last night!

But my back really hurts now.

Somebody stole all the books in the White House

Donald was fuming he hadn't finished colouring them in

Do you really care about somebody else’s mental health...

...if you don’t post on your story about it?

Somebody stole all my lamps and lights.

I was very delighted.

What goes “ha ha ha ha ha ha..kerplop”

Somebody laughing their head off

An 86 year old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check up

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor examined him and told him that aside from a low sperm count, he was perfectly healthy. The old man scoffed and said, "Nonsense, I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

Somebody called me condescending the other day...

It means that you talk down to people.

Somebody keeps leaving pictures of Kylie Minogue in the bushes in front of my house.

I just can’t get her out of my hedge.

If ever somebody is gonna rob my house tryna look for money or valuables...

I'd just laugh and search with them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming beards?

A clipptomaniac!

Where do you take somebody who has been injured in a Peek-A-Boo accident?

To the I C U

What do you call somebody who hates pencil marks because they're black?

Erasist.

Somebody just stole my mood ring!

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Double punchline Buddhist joke.

A Buddhist monk is walking through New York and sees a hot dog cart, he walks up and the vendor asks him what he wants. The monk replies:

“Make me one with everything.”

The vendor obliges and after handing over the hot dog tells him his total is $3.50. The monk gets out $5 and hands i...

My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested!

I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.

Most common Last words before death

1. throw me that grenade, i know how to deal with it.
2. it‘s 100% safe!
3. green is always grounding.
4. turn left, I know it there.
5. I slept with your sister.
6. it‘s ok, dogs loves me.
7. oh, they changed color of my pills.
8. Somebody forgot his suitcase.
9. let‘s have ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time somebody tells me that they’re Pansexual...

...I tell them to stay out of my kitchen.

The three hardest things to say to somebody are: "I love you", "I'm sorry", and...

Worcestershire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.

Somebody was shot with a starting pistol...

The police think it might be race related...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was masturbating during her period, when somebody walked in on her.

She was caught red handed.

What do you call somebody who only drinks soft drinks?

I'm not entirely posutive, but I'm sure they are soda-hydrated.

I posted a joke here and nobody seemed to notice. A day later somebody else posted my joke and got tons of upvotes.

They weren’t lying when they said one mans trash is another mans treasure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember, you're somebody's reason to smile.

Because you're a fucking joke.

Somebody whacked my head with a telescope today

I was seeing stars

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...

That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.

When somebody calls you a nobody just remember

Nobody is perfect

Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and...

All I could do was give them a puzzled look.

It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye....

Then it's just a game of "Find the eye!"

Why shouldn't you go out with somebody who got a nose job?

Because they pick their nose

How do you know if somebody is curious?

>!if they clicked this to find out how to know that somebody is curious!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

Somebody asked me recently why I took up downhill skiing

I told them uphill skiing was far too difficult

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Somebody fed my donkey a whole rooster

Who put their cock in my ass?

When somebody says that the moon landing was faked

Always reply “pfffft, you believe in the moon”

This morning I was hanging out at the local swimming baths...

...and then somebody told me and I tucked it back in again

Why did the plane land on the house?

Because somebody left the landing lights on

What’s the difference between somebody who doesn’t drink milk and somebody who dislikes amputees?

One is lactose intolerant, the other is lack toes intolerant

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

Somebody has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens

Somebody was giving me a synopsis of their crossover fan fic that includes a killer clown, a talking dog, and a flying house and at the end they said

"That about sums it-up"

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

When somebody makes you really angry, count to three.

When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man told the doctor, "My wife’s pregnant, but we haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t understand it."

The doctor said, "It’s what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."

"What’s a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well, somebody’s obviously had it in for you."

A teacher at a religious school was trying to teach her students that violence is never the answer.

Teacher: "When do you think it's alright to use violence?"

*A little girl raises her hand.*

Teacher: "Yes, Sophie?"

Sophie: "When someone tries to take your stuff(?)"

Teacher: "No. If someone tries to take your belongings, try to talk to them or tell a superior. Anyone el...

The Three-Legged Pig

So, there's a traveling salesman who has been on the road for too long. He decides that, to fix his boredom, the next thing he sees he's going to stop and ask somebody about it.

Well wouldn't you know it, he sees a pig with three legs at the edge of a farm.

"Ok," he says to himself. "...

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.”...

Somebody help me find my apples!

The man cried fruitlessly.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

Somebody stole my generator and I can’t do anything about it.

I feel so powerless.

The last time I was somebody's type

I was donating blood

Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me

Then someone else told me shootings happened because of video games

Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."

Today, somebody took the time to explain to me the definition of myriad

It means a lot

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