UPJOKE
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Somebody Jokes

At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head...

He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.
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You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happ...
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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

Somebody stole my mood ring

I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
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I went for the job interview and the interviewer said they are looking for somebody who is responsible....

I said 'I'm your guy!'

They asked why...

'Well at my old job if something went wrong, something went missing or somebody got hurt, they always said I was responsible'
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Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me

I was like, "What the Hellmann?"
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Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....
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Somebody stole all the toilets in the police station

The cops have nothing to go on
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Somebody was shot with a starting pistol...

The police think it might be race related...
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I was walking home and somebody threw a mayonnaise jar at my head

I turned round and shouted What the hell man
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Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me...

Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..
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Did you hear somebody tried to hack Caesars Palace?

It wasn't in the cards.

They tried their best, but no dice.
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What did Janis Joplin say when somebody stole her “wet floor” sign?

“Take it. Take another little piso mojado, baby.”
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Somebody told me I was condescending today.

Since you probably don't know what that means, its when you talk down to people.
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That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.
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If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...
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Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I got a dollar every time somebody called me a racist

Black people would rob me

Russian soldier is walking in only one shoe. Somebody asks: Did you lost one?

No, I've found one
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I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.
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How does somebody become a philosopher?

Well, there's no short answer.
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what's it called when somebody is sick at an airport?

A terminal illness
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Somebody spray painted "procrastinating prick!" on the side of my house.

When I find out who did it, their years are numbered.
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Somebody stole my Microsoft office, and they're going to pay.

You have my word.
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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

What do you call someone who is desperate for some lovin' from somebody dressed as an animal?

Furrsty.
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Compliment somebody on their moustache

and all of a sudden she is not your friend anymore.
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Remember, you're somebody's reason to smile.

Because you're a fucking joke.

The last time I was somebody's type

I was donating blood
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What do you call somebody with the PHD in the field of drink carbonation?

A Fizzician.
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Knew somebody who used to live in a giant tire.

He got a puncture one day……..
#
#
#
Now he lives in a flat.
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Somebody made a cake shaped like Canada, and sliced it to match the province/territory borders

I said I wanted the largest piece, but they told me I could have none of it
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After I left my husband, he met somebody who could fuck him better than I could

The divorce lawyer.

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Somebody once told me a story…

…and today I’d like to share it with you:

Once upon a time, there was a farmer in Scotland. His name was William McKellen.

William had a faithful horse, named Star. She was his best friend out there in the Highlands.

Every morning, the two would go out to the grass fields. Far...

If somebody wants to say the word “motel“ backwards

just letom.
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Somebody stole my anti depressants..

Whoever you are.. I hope you’re fking happy!
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A single person is somebody who believes in

life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
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Somebody said today that I'm lazy.

I nearly answered him.
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Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I ...
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When somebody calls you a nobody just remember

Nobody is perfect
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The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.

¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

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Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?

A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

Edit: As somebody observed below, this joke is as old as the sun, yet never gets old.

Considering all the comments, it's a fair conclusion that hookers would make honest politicians, if there is such a thing.

What do you call somebody who sits on the fence about religion, but argues against both sides anyway?

Antagnostic.
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Somebody asked me to name two structures that hold water.

I was like well damn.
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If you ever feel your job is meaningless...

Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's
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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?










Edit: Front and Gold. Thank you.

Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before.

Somebody stole my diary and my rosary.

My thoughts and prayers are with them.
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What do you call somebody with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.
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If somebody is looking to hook up with a girl over 6 foot tall

They really want 2 meter
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Somebody robbed the bakery the other day

Well, that just takes the cake!
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Hi all, we're looking for somebody seriously interested in a threesome

We are a man looking for two women.
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Did you hear that somebody killed a majority of the birds?

It’s a murder of most fowl
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Somebody told me that I look like a vampire.

I looked in the mirror but I just don't see it.
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You are dating somebody's ex. Somebody is dating your ex. Your ex is dating somebody's ex

In this life, we are all x-men.
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Could somebody please tell the name of the 80's comedy based in a bar in Boston starring Ted Danson. I can't for the life of me remember it's name.

Cheers
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Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.
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can somebody tell me how statistics are done

mathematician: by all means
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If somebody who speaks three languages is trilingual, and somebody who speaks two languages is bilingual, what do you call somebody who speaks only one language?

American.
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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

What’s the difference between somebody who doesn’t drink milk and somebody who dislikes amputees?

One is lactose intolerant, the other is lack toes intolerant
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Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor

and asks "what flavors do you have?"

The attendant says "over there on the signs on the wall, you'll see them all"

Clients goes "Ehm, well I'll have a cone with two scoops of *Mondays Closed*."
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Apparently, it is rude to poke somebody in the forehead

and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you ....
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I once mistook somebody's drink for mine.

It was definitely not my cup of tea.
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A boy asks his dad a question

A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"

The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black."
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My buddy asked me if I could sleep with somebody dead of alive, who would it be?

I said obviously somebody alive.
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How do you know if somebody has to much free time?

They're on reddit looking for a laugh.

I'll see myself out.
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Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin
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Somebody asked if I like potato skins.

It was a loaded question!
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Man walks into a bar with an octopus

He says "I bet anyone $50 they can't bring me a musical instrument this octopus can't play."

People in the bar look around, talk amongst themselves, and someone brings up an acoustic guitar. The octopus looks at the guitar, tests the strings, tunes it, and begins playing a country song.
...

Somebody threw a rock at me with bgna written on it

That's bang out of order
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Pamela Adlon told this joke on Somebody Feed Phil. Have never heard it before, it caught me off guard, and I loved it

Old man Rosenberg is laying on his death bed in his family’s home. All of a sudden he gets a whiff of the best thing he’s ever smelled.
“What is that glorious smell?? I know that smell. Oh lord it’s my daughters famous brisket.”
A few minutes go by and his grandson Ezra comes into his room. <...
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Every time somebody tells me that they’re Pansexual...

...I tell them to stay out of my kitchen.

Somebody once told me that I was very mean

I said that's not true, sometimes I'm very median

Sorry, that was an average joke
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When you register on your birthday, so at least somebody congratulates you.

It's not going well.
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I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.
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Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."
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Did somebody say limerick? (NSFW)

There once was a man from Bombay

Who fashioned a cunt out of clay

But the heat of his prick

Turned it into a brick

And it chafed all his foreskin away.

________________________



(Can't take credit for that - I read it in a John Irving novel. *The Cide...

Somebody stole Satan's hairpiece

There will be Hell toupee!!
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What do you call somebody who comes between a cannibal and their meal?

An appetizer.
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip

After a hearty meal and a good bottle of wine, they lay down to sleep.
Suddenly, in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes his trusted companion and asks "Watson, what do you see?" Rubbing his sleepy eyes, Watson answers: "I see millions and millions of stars."
"Correct, Watson, and what do...
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When somebody says Stop...

...I don't know if it's in the name of love, or to collaborate and listen, or if it's hammertime
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A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “W...

A lone cowboy nobody knew walks into a mining town bar..

He orders two drinks which he downs slowly. When he was done with his drinks, he paid the bartender and walks out to see that his horse with all his stuff is missing.

He turns around, walks back in the bar, pulls his guns from his holster and shoots them in the air.

"Which ever one o...
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Somebody asked why I was hiding at work?

“Because a good employee is always hard to find”
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Somebody stole all the books in the White House

Donald was fuming he hadn't finished colouring them in
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Somebody stole my ruler.

My disappointment is immeasurable.
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Somebody fed my donkey a whole rooster

Who put their cock in my ass?

Somebody has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens
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I was cryogenically frozen for a while, then somebody woke me up early.

I really lost my cool.
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If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...

Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway
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My friend said that if you sit on your hand for long enough it feels like somebody else is doing it.

It's been twenty minutes and it still feels like I'm sitting on my hand.
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A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...
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Somebody whacked my head with a telescope today

I was seeing stars
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Yo guys, my dick was in somebody's mouth last night!

But my back really hurts now.

How does life feel for somebody who is short and crippled?

A little lame.
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Somebody has stolen one of my Mr Men books.

I'm absolutely fuming and have vowed revenge... No more Mr Nice Guy.
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How do you know if somebody is curious?

>!if they clicked this to find out how to know that somebody is curious!<
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Somebody, somewhere, has masturbated while thinking of you

And other lies you can tell yourself

Do you really care about somebody else’s mental health...

...if you don’t post on your story about it?
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When somebody calls you gay

say, "I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on."

Can somebody help me translate 'orbis terrarum ad mihi' from Latin?

It would mean the world to me.
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Somebody asked me to sign his petition to save the planet

It was to reinstate Pluto.
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What happens when somebody steals your heart?

They get cardiac arrested
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The other day, somebody stole my shoes

I thought that was way below the belt.
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What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming beards?

A clipptomaniac!

When somebody makes you really angry, count to three.

When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.
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Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me

Then someone else told me shootings happened because of video games
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Somebody once said, "watch out for that ball".

I didn't really understand what he meant, but then it hit me.
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THIS JUST IN: It's been reported that somebody made a hole in the fence surrounding the nudist colony.

Police are looking into it .
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It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye....

Then it's just a game of "Find the eye!"
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Somebody asked me recently why I took up downhill skiing

I told them uphill skiing was far too difficult
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Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.
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Somebody stole my generator and I can’t do anything about it.

I feel so powerless.
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