So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure," I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady," I thought, while happily munch...

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Every time somebody tells me that they’re Pansexual...

...I tell them to stay out of my kitchen.

Dude, somebody broke on and stole our mayonnaise.

What, the hellmann?

“Somebody’s been sleeping in my bed!” Said the Papa bear

Then the Mama bear divorced him.

Somebody stole my eyes!

They robbed me blind..

(Credit to Stone Sour, always makes me chuckle)

What happens when somebody steals your heart?

They get cardiac arrested

When somebody makes you really angry, count to three.

When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.

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When somebody calls you a gay

Say, "I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on."

Somebody today was explaining to me how the cryptocurrency market was changing, even though I already knew

It was a bit coin descending

My toilet looks like someone murdered somebody in it.

I can’t tell if that’s because of my period, or the guy I just murdered.

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Remember, you're somebody's reason to masturbate.

But you're also somebody's reason for limp dick.

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A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin...

I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.

What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opens the fridge's door?

Close the door! I'm dressing

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

Somebody has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens

Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me

Then someone else told me shootings happened because of video games

How do you tell if somebody is anorexic?

Give them an onion ring and see if they eat it or use it as a hula hoop.

What do you answer if somebody tells you that you are the 5th wheel on the wagon?

Yeah, the steering wheel.

Somebody stole the toilet from the police station.

They're trying to figure out who did it, but they have nothing to go on.

What did the pig say when somebody told him he was making cupcakes all wrong?

Listen, I’ve been bacon my whole life.

Somebody told me that if you look at the symbols in the corner of a map and see the words "Bloody Rosemary," something horrible will happen.

But that's just an herb in legend.

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What do you call somebody who experiments with Viagra

A try hard

Somebody stole Satan's hairpiece

There will be Hell toupee!!

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

When somebody calls you a nobody just remember

Nobody is perfect

Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.

You know you live in a bad neighborhood when you getting robbed by somebody you know.

Robber: Gimme your wallet!

"Jay jay... That you?"

Robber: Don't talk to me while I'm at work!

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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

Before you judge somebody who doesn't use the metric system...

You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

There was this drunk walking down the street, and he walks up to this cop and says “Man, somebody stole my car”....

....and the cop looks at him and says “Well, where was it?” and the drunk holds up his car keys says “It was right at the end of this key”.

The cop says “I don’t know man, but why don’t you go down to the precinct and report it down there, they’ll fill out all the proper forms and help you ou...

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

Why shouldn’t you let somebody who just got out of rehab go skiing?

Because it’s a slippery slope

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

Somebody stole my identity....

... it's fine though. They took one look and gave it right back. :(

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.”...

What do you call somebody who says they are Swedish but really aren't?

An artificial Swedener

Somebody asked me about my thoughts on Assassin’s Creed III...

I told him that it’s a pretty revolutionary game.

What do you call somebody with no body and just a nose

Actually Nobody nose

What do you call somebody who keeps on quitting their diet plans?

A desserter

Somebody stole my brother's antidepressants yesterday

I hope they're happy

Somebody stole my generator and I can’t do anything about it.

I feel so powerless.

What do you call somebody who is in love with the moon?

A lunartic

Somebody stole my ruler.

My disappointment is immeasurable.

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Somebody asked me if I'd ever join the 'Mile high club'...

I said I couldn't give a flying fuck.

Somebody says video games don't have any impact on your psyche. I can't agree with that.

My Ex-girlfriend played Tetris a lot in her childhood.



She's still waiting for a long stick.

A fisherman is sitting on a river bank. Suddenly, he hears somebody shout ‘F*ck off!’ in the distance.

Ten minutes later he hears the same shout ‘F*ck off!!!!!’, but a bit closer. The fisherman shrugs his shoulders having no idea of what’s going on.
Another ten minutes later when he has already forgotten about the strange shout, he sees a boat with a man rowing up the river… with spoons. So the f...

If I had a dollar for every time somebody over forty tells me my generation sucks...

I would be able to afford a house in the economy they ruined.

You are dating somebody's ex. Somebody is dating your ex. Your ex is dating somebody's ex

In this life, we are all x-men.

I hit somebody driving my car, and I dont feel bad at all.

I mean, wouldn't you punch somebody trying to steal your car too?

If you ever feel your job is meaningless...

Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

If somebody says you're right as rain,

does that mean you're all wet?

If somebody gives me one point, that's fine.

But if somebody gives me two points, that's where I draw the line.

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...

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I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning and as we were leaving the trailer park, somebody shouted, "You're an irresponsible father!"

I shot back, “Who the fuck said that?! Stop the car, son!"

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping

They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.

Holmes: Watson, look up to the stars, and tell me what you deduce.

Watson: I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planet...

Apparenly, we all come from dust and return to dust.

That's why I never dust, it could be somebody I know.

"Did you ever lie down on the tracks?"

Not personally. I once knew somebody who did.

"What happened?"

I lost track of him.

Bob Dylan

A vegan, a Bitcoin trader, and somebody who didn't vote in 2016 walk into a bar.

Who tells you about it first?

Whos on first recreation

Hello 911 what's your emerengcy?

There's some people over here robing the bank

Sir I got you using your cellphone where's the bank?

It's the Wellsfargo on Main st

Are you inside the building?

Yeah I'm hiding but they have hostages

Ok sir stay on the line I'm...

Somebody was shot with a starting pistol...

The police think it might be race related...

What's more beautiful than a delicate rose placed gracefully upon an elegant grand piano?

Somebody putting tulips on your organ.

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Whenever I talk dirty to somebody over the phone, they disconnect

I guess you could say I have a lot of sexual hangups.

If I had a dollar for every time somebody told me , “don’t worry, you’ll all get back pay”

I’d still be in a financial hardship due to the government shutdown.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip

They set out In the afternoon and arrive at their location a few hours before dark. They set up their tent and camp fire before going to bed.

In the middle of the night Sherlock Holmes wakes up Watson and says,
"Look up Watson, what do you see?"
Watson looks up at the sky, it's a beaut...

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Can somebody please tell me how to calm someone down who's had too much to drink?

At first I asked him if he finished the bottle, and he only got more pissed

I asked him if another one would make him happy, and he just kept screaming.

I jingled his keys in front of him and told him he wasn't allowed to have them, and he practically ran out of oxygen from yelling....

Have You Tried

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?" "Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"

A husband wants to hire somebody to kill his wife...

After weeks of research, he finally hears tell of a hit man known simply as Arthur, who happens to be in town.

He sets up a meeting with Arthur to schedule the hit.

He and Arthur meet, and the husband gives Arthur his wife's picture, and tells him, "She goes to the grocery store once a...

One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody;

Unless you’re in a prison.

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Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

There once was a man with no arms. [Long]

Despite this fact, when the town church was looking for a new bell toller, he went straight to the church. The pastor didn't believe the man when told he could do the job, but decided to humor him, saying "If you can ring the bell, the job is yours."

Excitedly, the man climbed the stairs to t...

Autocorrect sucks! Look what I've sent to somebody in the office by mistake...

- "Next Tuesday I'll lick you, suck you and bite you all night!"

- Hahahaha, what did you want to say?

- Thursday

If somebody makes a play just to insult someone...

Would it be called a diss-play?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

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Somebody once told me that I was going to be a great man

...that asshole lied to me.

What does a physicist say when they see somebody jump off a cliff

They shake their head and say “So much wasted potential”

That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Doctor, I've got this really weird condition that whenever somebody questions me that I violently shit my pants."

"REALLY?" asked the doctor, laughing.

I said, "Nice try, pal, but I'm not wearing any pants.."

Somebody stole my mood ring

I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

Geez, somebody's found the password to my account.

,,Guess I'll have to rename my dog.

When somebody tried to mug me, I raised my magnum...

But then I realized I was bringing an ice-cream to a gunfight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Native American Chief was asked by somebody on his reservation how cold the coming winter will be...

He isn't sure what to say, but to be safe he responds, "It will be very cold. Start collecting firewood to prepare."

Later that week he realizes that he might be wrong with his prediction, so he walks into the city and uses a pay phone to call the local weather station.

He asks them, ...

Somebody must have roofied my drink last night.

I woke up at 4:00 this morning with an irresistible urge to go hammer some shingles.

Somebody once told me that I could break a mirror just by looking at it.

They insisted it was hilarious. I didn’t find it funny.

The mirror cracked up though.

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A French , a Russian and an Indian are on a flight

They are the only passengers, and there is only one window. The French sits next to the window and cracks open the window

After a few hours he jumps up and down saying “we’re in france , we’re in france”. The other ask how does he know , to which the French says “ i can smell the aroma of my...

Why is it hard to become famous for finding Indian bread?

eventually somebody will call this ability Naan sense.

I'm very grateful that somebody invented window blinds...

Otherwise it would be curtains for all of us!

Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me...

Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..

I had a job interview today and I have a feeling it went well. The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.

“You’ve found your man,” I responded, “whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”

I was in Saudi Arabia the other day and I asked somebody if they had any spare change.

They said," Yemen."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Somebody, somewhere, has masturbated while thinking of you

And other lies you can tell yourself

What did the programmer say immediately after somebody asked "do you want it or not"?

"True"

A work uniform is a lot like a pair of pajamas...

Usually somebody else buys them for you, it's one of the few outfits you'll wear where the top is the same color as the bottoms, you might not wash them after every single wearing, and it can lead to depression if you're in them for more than 8 hours a day.

Can somebody help me translate 'orbis terrarum ad mihi' from Latin?

It would mean the world to me.

I once mistook somebody's drink for mine.

It was definitely not my cup of tea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Has somebody already posted the joke about peanut butter?

I won't tell you, it might spread

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My teacher can tell when somebody is faking.

I can see why he's so sexually frustrated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Somebody once told me to ask for forgiveness, not permission...

Great, now I'll never get anal OR dinner ever again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police knocked on the door of a small Appalachian farmhouse.

"Good evening sir. We have received a report that you have been distilling illegal moonshine!"

"Me?! Moonshining?! That is a god damn lie! Never have I been so insulted in my entire life! I've never done anything like that! These are evil rumours that somebody has spread! - And I'll tell you ...

The last time I was somebody's type

I was donating blood

Somebody set an alarm...

... To wake up green day.

I was so drunk last night

the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.

If Mexico is paying for the wall and China paying for the tariffs

Can somebody pay for my bills?

Took me a month but I finally got to pull off this joke in real life

*Me and my friend had just finished watching a ton of conspiracy theory videos.*

Friend: It's crazy if some of that stuff is true. But the government is just hiding it from us.

Me: Yeah like monsters and aliens and stuff.

Friend: Yeah! And not to mention all the cool technology ...

Somebody attacked Bill Clinton's vice president with a chainsaw.

Witnesses described a mess of blood and Gore.

If somebody who speaks three languages is trilingual, and somebody who speaks two languages is bilingual, what do you call somebody who speaks only one language?

American.

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Native American walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other.

The Native American says to the bartender, "Me want beer!"

The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He then serves the Native American a tall glass of beer. The Native American drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air, and blasts it with the s...

Somebody said today that I'm lazy.

I nearly answered him.

Somebody help me find my apples!

The man cried fruitlessly.

Nguyen, who saw by touch. It's original, I swear!

Did you hear about the blind Thai man who was able to tell what race people were by touch? It's true! Just by feeling their hand, old man Nguyen could tell you if somebody was European, African, Polynesian, or American. He was best at Asian countries, just by practice, and could even tell what count...

Cuddling with somebody is probably the most comforting thing in the world...

...unless you're in prison.

What do you call somebody who takes things too literally?

A thief.

Somebody should've told Logan Paul the Thai kids in the cave had died.

He would have found them in no time.

A few people were in a pool....

And suddenly the water got warmer. One person looked up and asked "is somebody peeing in here or is it just me?"

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

How lazy are you?

Donald Trump is giving a speech, and his bodyguard spots somebody about to shoot the president...

The bodyguard leaps up and shouts "MICKEY MOUSE"

Confused, the shooter stops and asks, "why did you shout Mickey mouse?"

The bodyguard replies "oh sorry, i meant to say DONALD, DUCK!"

I'm pretty sure somebody hid the final paragraph of my essay on the shelf I can't reach

but I don't want to jump to conclusions

What is the best adjective to describe somebody who incessantly makes puns?

PUN-gent!

^^^I'm ^^^sorry

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