can somebody tell me how statistics are done

mathematician: by all means

I was sitting on the bus and somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I was sitting on the bus and somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw two old men sitting there. One of them said to me, "would you like some nuts? I've got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure," I replied. Then he gave me a handful of nuts and wen...

Somebody called me condescending the other day...

It means that you talk down to people.

Somebody told me there's an invasive species of giant frogs destroying local populations all across North America...

... What a bunch of bull.

At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head...

He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.

What do you call somebody who hates pencil marks because they're black?

Erasist.

Waiting in line to vote, somebody pulls up and asks " How long have you been waiting to vote?"

Some guy in the back of the line yells "FOUR YEARS!"

Somebody robbed the police department yesterday and stole all the toilets

Sadly, the detectives have nothing to go on

Somebody stole all the books in the White House

Donald was fuming he hadn't finished colouring them in

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What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming beards?

A clipptomaniac!

Somebody keeps leaving pictures of Kylie Minogue in the bushes in front of my house.

I just can’t get her out of my hedge.

Do you really care about somebody else’s mental health...

...if you don’t post on your story about it?

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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

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Yo guys, my dick was in somebody's mouth last night!

But my back really hurts now.

Where do you take somebody who has been injured in a Peek-A-Boo accident?

To the I C U

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

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Four friends named Somebody, Nobody, Brain and Mad were playing a game

Brain and Mad were a couple. It was a hot day, so Brain went to get drinks. In the midst of the game, an argument broke out between Somebody and Nobody. In the heat of the argument, Somebody grabbed a knife and stabbed Nobody, instantly killing him. Mad saw all this and called the police.

Ma...

When you register on your birthday, so at least somebody congratulates you.

It's not going well.

Why shouldn't you go out with somebody who got a nose job?

Because they pick their nose

Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me

I was like, "What the Hellmann?"

What do you call somebody who only drinks soft drinks?

I'm not entirely posutive, but I'm sure they are soda-hydrated.

I was walking home and somebody threw a block of cheese at my head

It wasn't very mature.

Somebody threw a bottle of omega-3 capsules at me.

Luckily I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

Somebody stole my Microsoft office, and they're going to pay.

You have my word.

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today...

They left a little note that said, "Parking Fine".

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Somebody fed my donkey a whole rooster

Who put their cock in my ass?

Could somebody here remind me how to increase the hertz rate to my monitor?

I need a quick refresher.

Somebody stole all my lamps and lights.

I was very delighted.

Somebody whacked my head with a telescope today

I was seeing stars

What does a teenage cowboy say when he throws somebody out of the saloon?

Yeet-haw!

What’s the difference between somebody who doesn’t drink milk and somebody who dislikes amputees?

One is lactose intolerant, the other is lack toes intolerant

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye....

Then it's just a game of "Find the eye!"

Somebody asked me recently why I took up downhill skiing

I told them uphill skiing was far too difficult

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

What is it called when somebody kills their best friend?

Homiecide

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

I posted a joke here and nobody seemed to notice. A day later somebody else posted my joke and got tons of upvotes.

They weren’t lying when they said one mans trash is another mans treasure.

Donald Trumps recent actions are unprecedented...

For somebody who's just been un-presidented.

My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested!

I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.

Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and...

All I could do was give them a puzzled look.

Somebody just stole my mood ring!

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

How do you know if somebody is curious?

>!if they clicked this to find out how to know that somebody is curious!<

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A woman was masturbating during her period, when somebody walked in on her.

She was caught red handed.

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story:

There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umb...

I never thought I'd fall in love but I met somebody who makes me feel like I can fly

My flight instructor.

The three hardest things to say to somebody are: "I love you", "I'm sorry", and...

Worcestershire.

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

Three guys are working on an oil rig ...

Three roughnecks - John, Lonnie, and Donnie - were working on a rig in the oilfield...
While they were working one day, John falls off the rig tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, "Somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie repl...

Slow racing drivers: You're so slow...

You're so slow turtles watch you race and get angry.

You're so slow after each race you go up to the fast drivers and say, 'baby, what's the shortcut?'

You're so slow you couldn't finish first if all the other drivers were trying to finish last.

You're so slow you think there sh...

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A Catholic Irishman is on his deathbed.

He calls for his son, and tells him "My boy, go fetch the Anglican Pastor, I wish to convert before I die". His son is shocked! The father has been one of the most prominent Catholics in the community, he made large donations to the Church every year, attended Mass every day, and was close friends w...

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Every time somebody tells me that they’re Pansexual...

...I tell them to stay out of my kitchen.

A man born without legs just became the first to undergo a 24-hour procedure to transfer his consciousness into a computer

Overnight he went from just somebody to nobody.

Why is Nevada taking so long?

Because they can't count the next vote until somebody rolls a seven

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

The other day, somebody stole my shoes

I thought that was way below the belt.

Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."

every time I hear this, I burst out laughing.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke up Watson and said: "Watson lookup in the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied: " see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "...

On the seventh day God rested when He should've fixed the bugs.

Just came up with this after dealing with somebody's PMS.

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What's similar between casual sex and bungee jumping?

Somebody dies if the rubber breaks.

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Shocking statistics show that somebody in London gets stabbed every 72 seconds

Poor bastard

Today, somebody took the time to explain to me the definition of myriad

It means a lot

Dont just drink because you can!

Somebody is so drunk this early and is knocking at his door for the past 1 hour even though he stays alone... Should I tell him he's not around?

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A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

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The CEO of a company held a meeting and said, “We need to stop testing our products on Animals”

“Why? The shampoo companies do it.” somebody said
“That’s true, but we make dildos”

Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.

When somebody makes you really angry, count to three.

When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.

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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

Somebody sprayed free candy on my van.

The joke is on them, i have no candy.

A man went to a psychiatrist f

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands ...

When somebody calls you a nobody just remember

Nobody is perfect

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

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A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.

Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end...

How do you tell if somebody is anorexic?

Give them an onion ring and see if they eat it or use it as a hula hoop.

Walking along the street with my friends I realised he was about to stand on a rolex that somebody had obviously lost.

"Watch! Where you're stepping!" I shouted.

A Pinoy dies and goes to hell...

A Pinoy (Filipino) dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the...

A man dies and goes to heaven

He gets to the pearly gates, and he sees two lines: one labeled "Predestination" and the other labeled "Free Will." The man, being a good five-point Calvinist, gets in the "predestined line." He waits his turn and gets to the front, and the angel asks him "Why are you in the predestined line?" Guy g...

Some girl has stolen my phone and clicked naked selfies.My cloud is full of them now. Somebody help me find her

I need to give her a charger too.

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

What happens when somebody steals your heart?

They get cardiac arrested

Somebody has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens

Somebody asked me "where do you see yourself in 2 months?"

I said "i dont know, i dont have 2020 vision"

What do you answer if somebody tells you that you are the 5th wheel on the wagon?

Yeah, the steering wheel.

What's the main cause of Climate Change?

Somebody lit the dinosaurs on fire.

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A man's wife tells him "if you ever come back drunk again I'll leave you"

One night he goes out to a pub with a mate for a few drinks. They've both had a bit too much and eventually one of them is sick all over himself staining his shirt.

He's very embarrassed and exclaims to his friend "I can't go home looking like this. My wife will leave me!"

His friend c...

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Remember, you're somebody's reason to smile.

Because you're a fucking joke.

What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opens the fridge's door?

Close the door! I'm dressing

Somebody stole my eyes!

They robbed me blind..

(Credit to Stone Sour, always makes me chuckle)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

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A man named Melvin works for a toothbrush company.

Year after year, he can repeatedly sell the most toothbrushes out of everyone who works for the company, at least tripling the the amount of sales the guy trailing him has made. No one knows how he does it.

One day, Melvin's boss calls him into his office.

"What is it, boss?" Melvin as...

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Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

An idiot starts to work at a bakery

One day a woman comes in and asks him how much the donuts are. The idiot says “I don’t know.” The lady became annoyed and leaves the bakery. Just then the manager storms in and says, “you have to tell them they’re fifty cents!”

Next day comes, and a gentleman enters the bakery. He asks “so ho...

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

Somebody today was explaining to me how the cryptocurrency market was changing, even though I already knew

It was a bit coin descending

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A guy tells his friend that his girlfriend left him because she found out he is bisexual

“Oh man she sounds like a total bigot! You deserve somebody who accepts you for who you are.”

“Thanks man, you are a good friend!”

“But how did she find out? Did you tell her?”

“No. She walked in on me when I was fucking the mailman.”

Somebody stole Satan's hairpiece

There will be Hell toupee!!

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...

Somebody stole my identity....

... it's fine though. They took one look and gave it right back. :(

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

Somebody was shot with a starting pistol...

The police think it might be race related...

If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin...

I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.”...

A Bad Sign

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had s...

Before you judge somebody who doesn't use the metric system...

You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

A Beaver Story

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20
year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think
about that?"

The ...

That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.

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What do you call somebody who experiments with Viagra

A try hard

Somebody stole my generator and I can’t do anything about it.

I feel so powerless.

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After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

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When somebody calls you a gay

Say, "I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on."

What do you call somebody with no body and a nose

Nobody nose

You know you live in a bad neighborhood when you getting robbed by somebody you know.

Robber: Gimme your wallet!

"Jay jay... That you?"

Robber: Don't talk to me while I'm at work!

A young salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door. The most beautiful woman he has ever seen answers, dressed in only a slinky negligee. She asks "Do you like what you see?" Slack jawed, the man finally manages to stutter "uh... yes, very much!"

She says "Quickly, step inside, I think I hear someone coming."

Once inside the beautiful woman drops her negligee and is completely naked. With a smile she asks "What do you think is the most sensitive part of my body?"

The salesman says "I guess that would have to be your ears."...

What did the pig say when somebody told him he was making cupcakes all wrong?

Listen, I’ve been bacon my whole life.

My pregnant stay at home wife asked why I work so much...

I told her “Well, somebody’s gotta fetus”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Too much golfing

For some time, my wife's had this ridiculous idea that I'm playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11pm last night. She suddenly shouted at me: "Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!". And I'll be honest, she scared the shit out of me. I mean, you don't expec...

Why did God invest WASPs?

Somebody has to pay retail.

Somebody told me that if you look at the symbols in the corner of a map and see the words "Bloody Rosemary," something horrible will happen.

But that's just an herb in legend.

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