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A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

Somebody has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens

Somebody stole the toilet from the police station.

They're trying to figure out who did it, but they have nothing to go on.

My friend said: "it's been so long since I've kissed somebody. I dont know if I still know how"

I told him: "come on, kissing is like riding a bike, you never forget."

2 great lessons my uncle taught me.

Somebody told me that if you look at the symbols in the corner of a map and see the words "Bloody Rosemary," something horrible will happen.

But that's just an herb in legend.

You know you live in a bad neighborhood when you getting robbed by somebody you know.

Robber: Gimme your wallet!

"Jay jay... That you?"

Robber: Don't talk to me while I'm at work!

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What do you call somebody who experiments with Viagra

A try hard

Somebody stole Satan's hairpiece

There will be Hell toupee!!

When somebody calls you a nobody just remember

Nobody is perfect

What did the pig say when somebody told him he was making cupcakes all wrong?

Listen, I’ve been bacon my whole life.

What do you call somebody with no body and a nose

Nobody nose

Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

Can't believe somebody broke into my house last night and stole my limbo stick.

How low can you go?

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

There was this drunk walking down the street, and he walks up to this cop and says “Man, somebody stole my car”....

....and the cop looks at him and says “Well, where was it?” and the drunk holds up his car keys says “It was right at the end of this key”.

The cop says “I don’t know man, but why don’t you go down to the precinct and report it down there, they’ll fill out all the proper forms and help you ou...

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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

What do you call somebody who keeps on quitting their diet plans?

A desserter

Somebody stole my identity....

... it's fine though. They took one look and gave it right back. :(

Why shouldn’t you let somebody who just got out of rehab go skiing?

Because it’s a slippery slope

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

Before you judge somebody who doesn't use the metric system...

You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

What do you call somebody who says they are Swedish but really aren't?

An artificial Swedener

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.”...

Somebody stole my brother's antidepressants yesterday

I hope they're happy

Somebody asked me about my thoughts on Assassin’s Creed III...

I told him that it’s a pretty revolutionary game.

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When somebody calls you gay

say, "I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on."

Recently, I'd been feeling really down about the realization that there's no way anyone could ever get off to somebody as ugly as me

Fortunately, I remembered that Death comes for us all.

If somebody says you're right as rain,

does that mean you're all wet?

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Somebody asked me if I'd ever join the "Mile high club"

I said I couldn't give a flying fuck

Somebody stole my ruler.

My disappointment is immeasurable.

What do you call somebody who is in love with the moon?

A lunartic

Somebody says video games don't have any impact on your psyche. I can't agree with that.

My Ex-girlfriend played Tetris a lot in her childhood.



She's still waiting for a long stick.

I went to a job fair and loudly announced that somebody was either going to have to give me a job or drag me out kicking and screaming.

I'm an editor at WikiLeaks now.

Somebody stole my generator and I can’t do anything about it.

I feel so powerless.

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Remember, you're somebody's reason to smile.

Because you're a fucking joke.

If somebody gives me one point, that's fine.

But if somebody gives me two points, that's where I draw the line.

A fisherman is sitting on a river bank. Suddenly, he hears somebody shout ‘F*ck off!’ in the distance.

Ten minutes later he hears the same shout ‘F*ck off!!!!!’, but a bit closer. The fisherman shrugs his shoulders having no idea of what’s going on.
Another ten minutes later when he has already forgotten about the strange shout, he sees a boat with a man rowing up the river… with spoons. So the f...

You are dating somebody's ex. Somebody is dating your ex. Your ex is dating somebody's ex

In this life, we are all x-men.

I hit somebody driving my car, and I dont feel bad at all.

I mean, wouldn't you punch somebody trying to steal your car too?

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I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning and as we were leaving the trailer park, somebody shouted, "You're an irresponsible father!"

I shot back, “Who the fuck said that?! Stop the car, son!"

If I had a dollar for every time somebody over forty tells me my generation sucks...

I would be able to afford a house in the economy they ruined.

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...

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Whenever I talk dirty to somebody over the phone, they disconnect

I guess you could say I have a lot of sexual hangups.

You know that tingly sensation you get when you fall in love with somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

If I had a dollar for every time somebody told me , “don’t worry, you’ll all get back pay”

I’d still be in a financial hardship due to the government shutdown.

A vegan, a Bitcoin trader, and somebody who didn't vote in 2016 walk into a bar.

Who tells you about it first?

Somebody was shot with a starting pistol...

The police think it might be race related...

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happ...

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Can somebody please tell me how to calm someone down who's had too much to drink?

At first I asked him if he finished the bottle, and he only got more pissed

I asked him if another one would make him happy, and he just kept screaming.

I jingled his keys in front of him and told him he wasn't allowed to have them, and he practically ran out of oxygen from yelling....

A husband wants to hire somebody to kill his wife...

After weeks of research, he finally hears tell of a hit man known simply as Arthur, who happens to be in town.

He sets up a meeting with Arthur to schedule the hit.

He and Arthur meet, and the husband gives Arthur his wife's picture, and tells him, "She goes to the grocery store once a...

If somebody makes a play just to insult someone...

Would it be called a diss-play?

Autocorrect sucks! Look what I've sent to somebody in the office by mistake...

- "Next Tuesday I'll lick you, suck you and bite you all night!"

- Hahahaha, what did you want to say?

- Thursday

I had a job interview today and I have a feeling it went well. The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.

“You’ve found your man,” I responded, “whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”

What does a physicist say when they see somebody jump off a cliff

They shake their head and say “So much wasted potential”

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.

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Somebody once told me that I was going to be a great man

...that asshole lied to me.

When somebody tried to mug me, I raised my magnum...

But then I realized I was bringing an ice-cream to a gunfight.

Somebody once told me that I could break a mirror just by looking at it.

They insisted it was hilarious. I didn’t find it funny.

The mirror cracked up though.

Geez, somebody's found the password to my account.

,,Guess I'll have to rename my dog.

Somebody must have roofied my drink last night.

I woke up at 4:00 this morning with an irresistible urge to go hammer some shingles.

I was in Saudi Arabia the other day and I asked somebody if they had any spare change.

They said," Yemen."

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Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

I'm very grateful that somebody invented window blinds...

Otherwise it would be curtains for all of us!

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A Native American Chief was asked by somebody on his reservation how cold the coming winter will be...

He isn't sure what to say, but to be safe he responds, "It will be very cold. Start collecting firewood to prepare."

Later that week he realizes that he might be wrong with his prediction, so he walks into the city and uses a pay phone to call the local weather station.

He asks them, ...

Somebody stole my mood ring

I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

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"Doctor, I've got this really weird condition that whenever somebody questions me that I violently shit my pants."

"REALLY?" asked the doctor, laughing.

I said, "Nice try, pal, but I'm not wearing any pants.."

Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me...

Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..

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Has somebody already posted the joke about peanut butter?

I won't tell you, it might spread

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My teacher can tell when somebody is faking.

I can see why he's so sexually frustrated.

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Somebody, somewhere, has masturbated while thinking of you

And other lies you can tell yourself

I once mistook somebody's drink for mine.

It was definitely not my cup of tea.

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If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody...

Unless you’re in prison

Can somebody help me translate 'orbis terrarum ad mihi' from Latin?

It would mean the world to me.

Somebody attacked Bill Clinton's vice president with a chainsaw.

Witnesses described a mess of blood and Gore.

The last time I was somebody's type

I was donating blood

What did the programmer say immediately after somebody asked "do you want it or not"?

"True"

If somebody who speaks three languages is trilingual, and somebody who speaks two languages is bilingual, what do you call somebody who speaks only one language?

American.

Somebody said today that I'm lazy.

I nearly answered him.

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

Cuddling with somebody is probably the most comforting thing in the world...

...unless you're in prison.

What do you call somebody who takes things too literally?

A thief.

Somebody help me find my apples!

The man cried fruitlessly.

Somebody should've told Logan Paul the Thai kids in the cave had died.

He would have found them in no time.

Donald Trump is giving a speech, and his bodyguard spots somebody about to shoot the president...

The bodyguard leaps up and shouts "MICKEY MOUSE"

Confused, the shooter stops and asks, "why did you shout Mickey mouse?"

The bodyguard replies "oh sorry, i meant to say DONALD, DUCK!"

I'm pretty sure somebody hid the final paragraph of my essay on the shelf I can't reach

but I don't want to jump to conclusions

What is the best adjective to describe somebody who incessantly makes puns?

PUN-gent!

^^^I'm ^^^sorry

Somebody once argued to me "that which is asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence."

I replied "no it can't."

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

How lazy are you?

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Fire somebody

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. 

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the...

What do you call somebody who is an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?

Somebody who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

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My wife woke me in the middle of the night and said, "I think there's somebody in our kitchen."

So I went down there with a baseball bat and sorted the fucker out. When I returned to the bedroom, the bat covered in blood, my wife look astonished. She said, "My goodness. You taught him a lesson!" "Yeah," I said, "that will teach our son to never steal one of my beers."

How do you console somebody with bad grammar skills?

There, their, they're.

My wife complained to me the other day that I'm trying to be somebody that I'm not...

I'm just confused as to how she got into the batcave in the first place.

What's it called when somebody carelessly walks on train tracks?

A loco motive

When you hear somebody shout your name after you have just left pee on the toilet seat,

You know urine trouble

LPT: If you know somebody with dyslexia that uses public transport, offer to help them read their timetable to prevent any mixups.

Whoops, wrong bus.

Today somebody knocked on my door and asked for a small donation to the local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water.

How can you tell the difference between a golfer and somebody suicidal?

One of them is happy to get a stroke

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A blowjob can make somebody's whole day

But anal will make their hole weak

Somebody drove past me on a tractor yelling "the end of the world is nigh!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon

Compliment somebody on their moustache

and all of a sudden she is not your friend anymore.

What is the easiest way to tell if somebody is vegan?

Oh, don't worry. They'll tell you.

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