I don’t know why people hate China. I love it and can’t say I have a whole lot wrong with it.

It just sucks they’ve been stuck on that island for so long.

A whole generation will only know Billy Ray Cyrus because of “Old Town Road”, and that breaks my heart…

My achey breaky heart.

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The lion gathered the whole jungle and said…

Who ever jumps from the top of that mountain gets to fuck my wife.
The lion then goes to the bottom of the mountain and patiently waits.
1 hour goes by
2 hours go by
Then suddenly, the lion hears a scream.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAA” *Dump*
A bear lands on the floor frantically gets up and ...

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today. Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.

The Reason Batman Does Not Cover His Whole Face is

Because He Needs The Police to Know That He Is White.

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

It's a bit embarrassing to admit here, but I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street mimes..

#

..and they did some unspeakable things to me.

Finding 5 dollars on the street makes your whole week.

But earning 5 dollars on the street makes your hole weak.

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

Where is the largest nursing home in the whole United States of America located?

Washington D.C.

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I kn...

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

My wife has been missing for a whole week

Of course, I could have found her faster, but I didn't have free time to search. I played computer games, watched TV shows.

And if not for her mother, who helped her break down the door and return home, the search would have continued even longer.

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Call me Trumper if you must, but I've got proof masks don't do shit.

Last Thursday my wife went on a business trip and they made her wear a mask the whole time - but she got chlamydia anyway!

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An average looking man walks into a bar.

A beautiful woman approaches him. The woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned.
He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him, so he agreed.
They both get into his car and drive really far.
He stops at a cliff with the vi...

I never expected Facebook to own the whole "cancer on society" thing.

But they're really Meta-stasizing!

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia.

I told them I could explain everything.

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My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle.

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

A man spends his whole life thinking GIF is pronounced "giff"

Some of his friends still insist that it's "jiff". When he finally dies and goes to heaven he asks God "is GIF pronounced "giff" or "jiff"? God says "it's "jiff"". He responds with "ok, JOD."

A Nun walks into Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room...

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where an old-timer is having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.

“Not much of a man, was he?” s...

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A Hypnotist was performing in front of a live audience using a pendulum

All of a sudden the pendulum slipped out of his hand and he exclaimed "shit!"


It took 2 weeks to clean that whole place.

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Man and cockroach talking. Man: "My penis is ten times longer than your whole body."

Cockroach: "Yet I make your wife scream louder than you do."

"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."

* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

Why can’t water say the whole alphabet?

It only knows H to O

A backpacker finds a small village tucked away in the mountains with one tiny bar

He walks into the bar and there are all these old men just sitting around in silence. So the backpacker orders a beer and finds himself a seat.

Suddenly one of the men shouts, "Number 7!" and the whole room erupts with laughter.

The backpacker is surprised by this but then the laughter...

I got a friend who is a demolition expert. One day, I made a bet with him, a dollar that he couldnt raze the whole neighbourhood

No matter who wins, its still four quarters gone

I hate spelling errors. You mix up a couple letters and your whole post is

Urined

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Why did I down a whole bottle of laxatives at a comedy show last night?

For shits and giggles

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

I’ve been challenged to make a play on words with the word for a whole bunch of peaches in a basket.

Try as I might though, I just can’t punnet.

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My favorite Norm Macdonald joke

(I’m paraphrasing a bit)

Someone told me that the worst thing about the whole Cosby thing was the hypocrisy. I disagreed.

I thought it was the raping.


—————-
RIP you magnificent bastard.

(Edit: formatting)

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slo...

TIL that a piranha can devour a whole human child in just under a minute.

Anyways, I lost my job in aquarium.

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A guy hadn't gotten any action for a while so he decides to visit a local brothel

"What would you like tonight?” his entertainer asked him.
"Well, I'm not really sure, what do you recommend?” he replied.
"I could give you the best hand job you've ever had, if you don't believe me just look out the window... do you see that Mercedes? I bought that with the money I made just ...

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I told my husband that I was trying to kill him & no one would be able to convict me but he’s not complaining.

It’s the southern way of killing men. Cooking and baking. Real butter, whole milk, Crisco, bacon fat, and my deadly kitchen skills. His time is limited.

NASA is getting transmission from their moon mission astronauts

"Houston, we have a problem. Russians just landed on the moon."

"It's OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians."

"Houston, we have a problem. Russians started to paint moon red."

"It's OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians."

"Houston, we have a problem. Hal...

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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to ...

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If you eat some fortune cookies whole...

You'll have some turds of wisdom.

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A man was unsatisfied with his small penis

He expressed his problem to a friend. His friend suggested that he should go and visit a wizard who was living on a cliff just outside the town. So the man, in hopes, went to visit that wizard. He reached the base of that cliff and started searching for ways to climb his way up. Luckily he found a r...

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An All Time Classic Joke

*A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.*

*So he went to a store that sold sex toys and starte...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

A group of guys were smoking weed at a party, when they heard a knock at the door. In a panic, they hid the joints in a cuckoo clock.

They opened the door to find two cops standing there. "It's 1:45 in the morning," said the cops. "You woke up a neighbour, who reported you to us. We hope you're not using any illegal drugs."

The cops searched through the whole house looking for anything suspicious, but didn't think to look i...

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He's all right now.

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Armless Legless girl on the beach

A man is walking on the beach when suddenly he hears someone crying, as he gets closer he discovers that it is an armless and legless woman.

He then asks her:

Man: "Why are you crying?"

Woman: "In my whole life, i've never been kissed."

So the man grabs her and kisses her...

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and fin...

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What? Did you thought I'll make a pie joke on my cake day.

^^BTW I waited a whole year to make this joke

I spent the whole day shopping for shrubs

Boy, am I bushed!

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Read the whole thing, it’s worth it

A woman sued a hospital stating that after recent treatment, her husband has lost interest in sex

The hospital in their defense stated “all we did was correct his eyesight”

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Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

A priest begins to wonder if his religion is really the only ‘true’ religion. In his search he finds an Internet forum with like mined faith/spiritual seekers, and quickly befriends a Jewish Rabbi, and a Buddhist monk.

The three debate for months, with no real progression as such, until a post appears from a new user, claiming to be the purest, living descendant of Adam & Eve. He further claims, that to those who truly believe, he will grant the secret to human evolution.
All but the monk immediately dismi...

Went out for sushi last night

And a guy spilled a whole bottle of soy sauce on himself. Everyone laughed except me. Don‘t Kikkoman when he’s down

Hey did yall know that bbc did bbw?

The British broadcasting channel did a whole segment on bath and body works, it was quite interesting.

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

A couple went Christmas shopping with their three young children.

After hours of traipsing around toyshops and hearing their kids ask for every item on the shelves, they were totally fed-up. Weighed down with the bags, they squeezed into the crowded elevator to take them to the parking garage.

The husband sighed aloud to nobody in particular, “Whoever star...

There once was an Irishman that wanted to immigrate to America

His name was Tom Dunn. He lived in Ireland his whole life, but wanted to see what better opportunities America had to offer him.

He decided to make the trip, promising his mother he will write to her every day and that she should come visit him when he is all squared away. “I’ll be the Presid...

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I bet my friend that she couldn't stay away from cock for a whole month. We called the bet the

Prediction

Why Amazon bought Whole Foods

Jeff Bezos: Alexa buy olives from Whole Foods

Alexa: Buying all of Whole Foods

Jeff: No Olives... Meh I can afford it go ahead.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder! "So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver...

Jay Leno went to Morgan Freeman’s house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freeman’s carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank...

Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named

A semi truck full of Ramen noodle caught fire today and the whole shipment was considered ruined

The total loss came out to be $73

There was an old lady who was very small

Her name was Reanne but everyone called her Re. After a while Re died of old age and the whole town was dismayed.

Re was so small that her family didn't bury her and instead later her to rest in a flower.

When the town folks came by to pay their respects they were surprised that inste...

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there’s about a 20 min long passage during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession (...

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I tried to kill a spider by spraying it with a whole can of White Rain hair spray

But that didn't work, now it's wearing blue eye shadow and chain smoking Virginia Slims.

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Adolf Hitler never took a taxi in his whole life.

He was more of an Uber-mensch.

A priest, a rabbi, and an evangelical pastor all go on a mission trip to Africa together...

The three spiritual leaders bring their sons along on the trip. The priest's son was a good Catholic boy who knew all his catechisms, devoted himself to the church, and had just become an altar boy to serve alongside his father. The rabbi's son was a good Jewish boy who learned all the Hebrew script...

My kids are my everything. My whole world. They are the reason I get up in the morning.

Without them crying every morning...I might need an alarm clock.

There is a lot of difference between a man and woman saying,

"I went through a whole box of Tissues watching that movie"

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I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

Two glasses of wine a day can increase a woman’s chance of a stroke….

Increase that to a whole bottle a day and she may suck it

Why doesn't China have a cricket team?

Because they would take out the whole world with one bat...

So there are these two rich old men who live next to each other...

At the on the border of their land is a pool that conjoins the two luxurious estates. In this pool each man has a pet dolphin. Every day, the two old men stand at the edge of the pool, and argue about who's dolphin is the smartest. This has gone in for years.

Then one day the first neighbor ...

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Joke I Heard From David Sedaris!

Saw him on tour last night, shamelessly repeating here:

Two Jews are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign in the window: CONVERT NOW FOR $500

"That's a lot of money," says Hershel. "For shame! My mother would kill me if I converted." Responds Eli. Hershel shrugs, ...

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Contagious…….(Read in an Aussie accent)

Miss Hamlet is teaching the 6 year olds new words. “Contagious” she says. Can anyone use “contagious” in a sentence?

Mary puts up her hand and says “the corona virus is very contagious!”
“Well done” says miss Hamlet, “next?”

Timmy put his hand up and shouts “chicken pox are contagi...

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older

then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

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This pasta has AoT level writing, by the time you get to the last line everything you previously read will get whole new meaning. Enjoy

.

>!gf is prego!<

>!we like to get kinky anyways!<

>!one night things get particularly saucy!<

>!i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights!<

>!wtf it's red everywhere and she's ob...

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…

But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!

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I spent the whole day combining all of my wristwatches to make a belt.

It was a complete waist of time.

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What does a man do when he stays virgin for his whole life?

Invents calculus and fucks all the coming generations.

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Careful What You Wish For

After years of begging. I finally got the wife to try anal, but the whole night was ruined when I accidentally called her Kevin.

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Doggy

A man walks into a bar looking to unwind after a stressful week. He orders his favorite drink and takes a look around. On one of the shelves behind the bartender is a huge glass jar full of hundreds of hundred dollar bills. Noticing the large amount of money, the man is intrigued.

"What's up...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

So my great uncle louie…

So my great uncle louie worked his whole life in the iron mines outside of Pittsburgh.

The work is hard, but It's harder to meet women in that industry. Except the day he found a beautiful rock at work and started bringing it around town and to family gatherings.

My great uncle Louie w...

"How can you watch Victoria Secret Fashion Week but still claim you love only me?" My wife asked

" The same way I watch Formula One whole weekend but still drive my trusted 2012 Toyota Camry everyday" I replied..

That satisfied her...

I just failed to mention I take rental at Enterprise when I go on business trips

A doctor is retiring, he mostly performed circumcisions his whole career...

...and he collected the remainders in a large glass jar. He brings the jar to a leather tanner and explains that it’s all he has to remember 50 years of service to his community - please make something, anything, nice from it.

The leather tanner says no problem; to come back in a week.
...

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

Breaking News: Brilliant scientists managed to find the last digit of pi.

They found it by writing the whole number on your mom's belly.

Having a bad day

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think yo...

Strong bed (not original - translated)

Man to carpenter - make a very strong bed so it does not break as my son will sleep with my daughter in law on it after marriage
Carpenter - don't worry sir I will make such strong bed it will not break even if whole colony sleeps with your daughter in law

One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world

Then you'll all be sorry

Elephant in a fridge (what style of humour is this joke?)

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(This is a 6 in 1 joke)
Person 1: You have 500 bricks. If you throw one off a plane, how many will you have left?
Person 2: 499.
Person 1: Correct!

Person 1: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Person 2: That’s not...

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing...

What covid is doing is just plaguerism.

Did you hear that Rudy Giuliani has proof of fake ballots and fraud? He says he found a whole stack of 'em.

Yeah, and he's going to be turning them in soon. He just finished printing them, and is waiting for the ink to dry.

Carlos was the proud owner of a Mexican Bed & Breakfast in Cancun...

It was founded by his Great-grandfather in the 1800s. He had come to Mexico from Spain and bought the run-down place with a loan from from a businessman back home. Through hard work and sheer determination, he had built the place up to a relatively successful B&B.

After his death, he lef...

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and shouts:"Get me the best whiskey you have!".

The Barista does as told and the man drinks the whole glass in a few seconds.

"Wow! I haven't seen anyone drink so fast before!"

"Well, you'd drink as fast as me if you had what I have"

"And what is it...

2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.

And now we have a virus.

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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the n...

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God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, A Spaniard and a German go to the theater to watch a mime show.

The men have bad eyesight so they are squinting through the whole performance.
The mime sees their problem and stops the show and moves them to the front row. He then ask, "Can you see me now?"
The men Respond:
YES
OUI
SI
JA

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Watched 50 Shades of Grey with my parents and Christ if all the sex didn't make the whole thing awkward.

I could barely see the screen with my mom bent over like that.

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”

“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”

“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the...

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...

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The Jar in the bar

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, here's the deal. You pay 10 dollars, and if you pass th...

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A cattle station owner owner was having a drink at a pub in the Northern Territory...

A Yank walked in and started bragging.

"Ah come from Texas," he said "where everything's big. You call your stations big! In Texas, it takes a whole week to ride around my spread on a horse!"

"Shit!" exclaimed the station owner "I had a horse like that so we shot the lazy bastard."

Cannibals

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees....

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A woman is speeding

A woman is speeding because she is late for work. Passing a bridge she sees a cop laying in wait. Sure enough he pulls her over and proceeds to write a ticket.

After asking about a warning ticket and getting turned down she lets the officer know it is important that she not be late for work t...

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US Government Business Policy

It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.


He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro no...

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It's so sanitary the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach, frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

A bartender yells “Does anyone know CPR?”

“Hell I know the whole alphabet!” I shouted.

The whole bar laughed except for one guy

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My whole family is struggling as we just discovered Grandpa is addicted to Viagra.

No one is taking it harder than Grandma though.

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A little lizard is walking along a tree branch...

Something wonderful hit his nostrils. It was unlike anything he had ever smelled before. He followed the scent to another branch where he saw his friend, the Koala Bear, smoking the fattest joint he had ever seen.

"Damn, K-Bear, that's the dankest weed I've ever smelled!" said the lizard....

When I die I’m leaving my body to “Toys For Tots”.

I think children all over the world will behave a whole lot better if they knew that if they were bad Santa might bring them a rotting corpse for Christmas.

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How many pessimists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. I am screwed, lightbulb is screwed, the whole fucking world is screwed

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What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your whole day,

Anal sex makes your hole weak.










Edit: added “whole”
Props to a fellow redditor for correction. u/rex-natchez!

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The Man, The Myth, the Legend: Frank Feldman!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you nee...

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

This pandemic has given a whole generation the time to work on their hobbies, and become very skillful at them...

... to bad these hobbies consist mostly of drinking.

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A bear and a rabbit are arguing in the forest...

The genie is quite sick of hearing them so he decides to do something about it.

"Gentlemen!" He exclaims, popping up between them in a puff of sparkly blue smoke, "You are clearly not happy. So, to mitigate this, I shall grant each of you three wishes!"

"OH! OH! I shall go first!" The ...

You might say this whole Covid thing is...

...nothing to sneeze at

(Just thought of that this morning, not sure if it's been done)

Tractors

So there was this guy who was a fan of tractors. He had posters of it everywhere. He had his own tractor business, married a beautiful wife. The whole 9 yards.

One day his wife died from a tractor accident. Heartbroken he got rid of his business, his posters, everything tractor related.
...

What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers

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The legend of Attila the Hun.

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

Italian Bread

Two older men, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I...

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With my bear hands

Me and wife at dinner:
Me “I kinda think it would be bad ass to be a special forces”
Wife: “you can’t fight though”
Me: “ I can kill a man with my bare hands”

Wife, serious as hell “you mean to tell me you’ve had bear hands this whole time and you didn’t tell me?”

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

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Little Johhny + cake day = ?

Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sex so he asks,


“What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away.


So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noi...

I was taking a walk around the neighborhood…

…when I saw a man pull up next to a little girl walking on the sidewalk and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop."

I was about to rush over when I noticed that the girl just kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two ...

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