Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonym...

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…

But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!

I can see a whole year into the future.

I have 2020 vision.

I've been cycling to work for a whole month now

You would have thought I would be there by now

The whole world should be worried that North Korea has a missile that can hit New York…

Because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere!

Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...

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A guy goes in to work and his whole hand is shattered.

His boss looks at him and says “My goodness! What did you do?”

“I fist bumped my buddy on Saturday.” The man replied.

The boss looked at him and asked “Who’s your buddy? The Hulk?”

To which the man explained, “No his name is Larry but he was driving past me when we did it.”

I’ve been too indecisive my whole life!

Or have I..?

This whole time yoda has never revealed his last name. but I just found out

Layheehoo

I rang my wife, "Hey babe, I'm at the hospital, I cut off my finger." "Oh no, the whole finger?" she asked.

"No, no..." I replied, "the one next to it."

My grandfather worked his whole life to be able to afford a nice cremation...

He urned it.

Have you guys heard of this new AI robot that can take off all your clothes, and then give you a whole new outfit?

I've seen it change people.

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Me: No.

Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?

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I swallowed 3 whole balls of string:

I shit you knot:

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

A guy at work was stuck in a machine, it cut his whole left side off.....

He's all right.

I think the Rainforest Bistro takes the whole rainforest theme too far.

One time, I was sitting there, eating my hamburger, and they bulldozed half the restaurant!

A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.

She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?"

"Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you...

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

I accidentally swallowed a whole heap of Scrabble tiles last night.

My next poo could spell disaster

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Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

Rick Astley would lend you his whole Pixar movie collection...

...because he's a nice guy. But he won't ask for them back because he knows they'll be Together Forever with You

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The terrorist said he wanted to blow the whole world

So I helped him start by letting him suck my dick

I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole.

For starters, while South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless!

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

Can we please stop with this whole FaceApp trend

It’s getting old quick

When you’re telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you tell them the whole joke.

Because it’s really difficult to tell them a part.

I’ve never used a broom in my whole life.

I realise this is a sweeping statement

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

A Male kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a scotch and starts talking about the good old days when nobody was on their phones, when video games were for the rich, and the ozone layer was whole.

“Ok boomer”

Most people spend their whole lives waiting for their moment to shine. But not me.

Not since I got this job polishing shoes

At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be late/not coming.

One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""

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I don’t understand this whole sex thing

Everyone else is playing Multiplayer but I’m still stuck on the Campaign

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Today just shocked my whole life

First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

I'm nervous about this whole "long distance relationship" thing my girlfriend and I are trying.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

I've had a good friend for years but I've been misspelling his name the whole time

I should have Sean it coming

Two old men lived their whole lives wondering if heaven had baseball

Two old men named Bob and John have been life long friends, they shared just about everything in common, but the thing they both loved the most was baseball. Now the two always had a question about the sport they loved so much and it was when they die would baseball be in heaven to greet them. Sadly...

Wife: I don't see any reason why you would need to drink a whole six pack right before you go to bed!

Me: That's only because there aren't any mirrors around here...

As a college girl, I never understood the whole Sorority thing

It's all Greek to me

What do you call it when someone insults the whole world, and everyone retaliates?

Counter-Strike: Global Offensive

One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world

Then you'll all be sorry

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

A six year old boy goes to work with his father....

A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day.

After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around.

The father asks his kid "what's the matter son?"

The kid replies "where are all the clowns that yo...

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and sees that the line is so long it's coming out the front door. He gets in line anyway and eventually gets the flowers.

Then he...

The whole 'Chernobyl' topic is pretty hot right now.

Although I think it was a bit hotter in 1986.

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

50000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes are not stupid" convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

I spent the whole yesterday making a belt out of watches,

It was a complete waist of time.

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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

My English teacher told this one to my whole class

So a guide in an university does a quick tour of the campus with new male students. She shows the science department, the arts and sports departments, and then she stops at the women’s dormitory.

“You guys are NOT allowed to go there, the first time we catch you in the women’s dormitory, the ...

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Have you heard about the man who had to press the "D" button on a keyboard his whole life?

It's a d-pressing story.

We have been misunderstanding antivaxxers this whole time! They really *do* their own research

Specifically, they are the control group.

A 700kg man has wasted his whole life untying knots

He is the world's biggest looser

Before i die im going to eat a whole bag of un-poped popcorn

Hopefully it will make the cremation a bit more interesting

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mo...

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

Whenever i see a woman driving a bus, i smile to myself and think how far we have come in the whole equality thing compared to just a few short years ago

Then i wait for the next bus.

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My wife told me that if I painted the whole house, we could get freaky and do anal.

It's been a week and my ass is still sore.

Did you hear about that celebrity who got caught stealing a whole bunch of cheese?

True story, it was Brie Larson.

What is it called when you eat a whole bag of Swedish Berries?

Finnish Berries

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Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental - twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”

Why did the man work in a barn for his whole life?

Because it was a stable career.

You can go your whole life without eating

I mean, you would die of starvation, but you technically would’ve gone your whole life without eating.

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I’m a father of four and I spent the whole week child-proofing my house...

But for the little bastards keep getting in.

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Some say that Jesus was a virgin for his whole life...

Others say he got nailed right before he died.

The whole world was flat..

...until they buried yo mama.

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Some people think sperm just magically travels to the penis when in reality there's a whole duct to transport them...

It might not seem like it, but there's a vas deferens between the two.

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

You hear about the librarian who stole a whole bunch of dictionaries?

She got away with words.

It's Mother's Day and the whole family has enjoyed a delicious dinner.

As all were done, the mother stands up and as she's about to grab the empty plates, the father asks :

"Honey... what are you doing ?"

Mother : "... Bringing the dishes to the kitchen and putting them in the dishwasher, what else ?"

Father : "Come on darling, today is Mother's Da...

I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.

And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.

People have called me weird my whole life for how into women's feet I am.

I just tell them to blame my parents. When I was growing up, all I ever heard was how important a woman's sole was.

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How Amazon's acquisition of Whole Foods really went down:

Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.

Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.

Bezos: Crap.

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

The teacher called me out in front of the whole class for cheating on the final and took away my A+.

It was degrading.

I was shocked to find out that I had a little Canadian in me this whole time.

And he didn’t even perform well!

Once we meet intelligent extraterrestrials, discrimination will get a whole new dimension

Just for you to know, I am on your side, you are my species!

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

I wasn't a fan of this whole cancer thing

But it's grown on me.

Told the whole family I was gonna put the dog down, we've had him 10 years.

I then proceeded to let him down to the ground and he just walked away.

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A guy who has spent his whole life in the outback of Australia decides he wants a change in his life, so he moves to the city.

He arrives in Sydney, and the first thing he does is looks for a job. He goes to the biggest department store downtown and applies for a job. The HR rep asks him if he has any experience in sales. So the guy says 'yea I was considered one of the best salesmen out Bush'. The rep isn't amused. 'This ...

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What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

New poll shows that the majority Bernie Sander's supporters like whole milk

But they hate 1%

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Hitler took the world’s oldest joke and wrote a whole book Titled:

Made Jew Look

Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...

I have selfish steam issues.

The whole truth

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her,
“I know the...

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This whole college bribery scandal pisses me off. When I got into MIT, we didn't have fixers or bribes.

We did it the old fashioned way: cheating and blowjobs.

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People say that the Jews did not handle the whole Jesus situation well.

I think they nailed it.

I asked my girlfriend for a gift that would last the whole year...

She gave me a calendar.

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Everyday a man named Jack would chew and swallow three whole packs of bubble gum.

Finally his concerned coworkers asked, "Jack, whats the deal with chewing and swallowing all this bubble gum?"

Jack responded by saying, "I don't know... It just helps me keep my shit together."

Back when I was in the army, I killed a whole squadron of soldiers with my bare hands.

I probably should have worn gloves while cooking.

When I couldn't go a whole day without frolicking through a field, I knew...

I was addicted to gamboling.

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Anal with my girlfriend made my whole day,

And it made her hole weak

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A sad guy walks into a bar and asks for a whole bottle of vodka

The bartender sits the bottle in front of him and asks "oh boy, you look like shit, what happened?". The man answers "I just found out my brother is gay".

The next day, the same guy walks into the same bar and asks for two bottles of vodka. The bartender asks "ok, what happened this time?", t...

I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my home. it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV, my PS4 and my legos were fine. But the room was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps

I was delighted.

What do you call a whole grain that’s zero calories but is rarely used?

Weird flax but 0k

Is it just me or has this whole third sub thing gone too far?

I can barely finish eating one sub. Let alone three

What's scarier than finding out that you have been in a simulation this whole time?

That you can only talk about it with people who always think you're joking.

What do you call it when someone gets their whole face tattooed?

An everlasting job stopper.

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My wife thought it would be kinky if she put a whole sheet of glass in my butt.

I told her, "No way, that would be a massive pane in the ass."

The tyrant Stalin never said the word "thank you" his whole life

Mostly because he didn't speak English.

Whole world is ours

It was the year 2152, exactly 100 years after Obama has died. On that special anniversary he walked straight to god and asked him if he could get on earth for one day, to see how the USA has evolved since. God allowed that and sent him in New York.

In NY Obama went in a cafe and ordered some...

My brother has been out of town for a month and I've had to take care of his pet rabbit the whole time.

Let me tell ya...it's been hare raising.

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My sexual prowess is comparable to the whole Russian Military.

Where I make it out to be much more powerful than it actually is.

I finally confronted the colleague drinking whole pot of common office coffee

How do you even sleep at night?

You spend your whole life thinking your fridge is a fridge...

...and one day you walk in to the kitchen and your fridge is ajar!

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania

Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.

I was working at a coffee shop, and a priest asked if I have any whole milk

I said "forgive me father, for I have skim"

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I dont know why my whole village calls my friend "Pig Fucker Dave"

His name isn't even Dave

Superglue comes with a warning: "Caution - Instantly bonds skin." But a whole shipment got out with a misprint: "Caution - Instantly bonds kin."

That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin.

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