UPJOKE
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Whole Jokes

My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet..

No word yet....
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A dirty joke told by 85yo grandpa to the whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at...

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How Amazon's acquisition of Whole Foods really went down:

Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.

Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.

Bezos: Crap.

She kept staring at my lips the whole time, so I kissed her.

So long story short I'm learning sign language now.
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One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world

Then you'll all be sorry
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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

I came home and found that my wife has been on Ebay the whole day.

If she's still on there tomorrow, I'd have to lower the price.
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The whole family are having breakfast together when…

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.


His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer,"...
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What's literally the absolute worst thing in the whole world?

Exaggeration.
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He knows it, everything, the whole truth.

While playing in the street, little Johnny's 9-year-old friend shows him his new bike.

\- “Whoa, where did you get that from” Johnny asks.

\- “Well”, his friend tells him: ‘I bought it for a 100 bucks that I made yesterday.’

Johnny, 9 years old and getting 1 dollar per week of p...

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...
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A whole pack

A friend told me:
"I can't quit smoking because i need a cigarette after an orgasm."
I asked her:
"How many orgasms do you have during the week with your husband?"
She: "To be honest, i don't have any!"
Me: "Then why do you smoke a whole pack?"
She: " Because i have 20 ...

Great news! I got the whole plane to myself!

The large group going to the psychics convention all cancelled at the last minute.
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North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…

But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!
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The whole world should be worried if North Korea has a missile that can hit New York...

...because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
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They say penguins mate for their whole life

God knows where they get the stamina
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I just found out there's a clinical diagnosis for when you can't sleep and so you spend the whole night eating.

It's called insomnomnomnomnia.
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I once swallowed a whole dictionary.

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
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My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
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Oral sex makes your whole day,

Anal sex makes your hole weak

Say what you want about the whole Alex Baldwin case, but I stand behind him.

Because there's no way in hell I'm going to stand in front of him.
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Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted?

To get fucked by a third party?

My dad unlocked a whole new level of joke

He opens the camera app, and screenshot it instead of taking a picture
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Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...
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Pastor Jim was coming home late one night, when he found the whole village having a party at the local pub

He decides to check it out. He walks in to find all the men naked, and all the women blindfolded.

"What in the name of the lord is happening here?", he asks in shock.

"Come on in, pastor Jim, we're playing a game" says one of the drunken men.

"What kind of games is this?" inquir...

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A sad guy walks into a bar and asks for a whole bottle of vodka

The bartender sits the bottle in front of him and asks "oh boy, you look like shit, what happened?". The man answers "I just found out my brother is gay".

The next day, the same guy walks into the same bar and asks for two bottles of vodka. The bartender asks "ok, what happened this time?", t...

This whole time yoda has never revealed his last name. but I just found out

Layheehoo
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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

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I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.

I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?"

"Sure, but how can that help?"

"Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."

Why is it so difficult to differentiate a decimal and whole number for you

Because you never get the point.
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Today just shocked my whole life

First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish
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TIL that a piranha can devour a whole human child in just under a minute.

Anyways, I lost my job in aquarium.
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My dad was such a proud union member his whole life …

When I was a kid, he began every story with “Once upon a time-and-a-half …”
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adam and eve finally figured out the whole sex thing...

afterward, adam's kicked back, dazed.

god asks "son, where's eve?"

to which adam replies "she's down at the stream, washing up."

god groans "now i'll never get that smell outta those fish."

2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.

And now we have a virus.
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An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind ...

... but it will allow ugly people to get laid.
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

A mechanic was secretly drinking brake fluid at the garage where he worked. On some days he would even drink a whole pint of the stuff. One day his boss found out and confronted him about it.

The mechanic said “It won’t become a problem, boss, I swear I can stop whenever I want!”
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Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

I grew a whole foot the summer after 8th Grade!

Yeah the doctors were shocked, It took 3 surgeries to remove.
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I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far.

This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.
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My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an ewok

Wookie mistake.
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I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia.

I told them I could explain everything.
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A billionaire throws a party for the whole town....

A billionaire throws a party for the whole town. He has everything a billionaire could possibly have including: tennis courts, go cart track, mini-golf, private airplane, and a huge mansion. The main attraction however is the biggest swimming pool you've ever seen, and inside that pool, the worlds ...
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When is a group of horses less than a whole horse?

When it’s three Quarter Horses.
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My whole life before age 12 was a blur.

That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.
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It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...
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I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania

Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.
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Man and cockroach talking. Man: "My penis is ten times longer than your whole body."

Cockroach: "Yet I make your wife scream louder than you do."

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonym...
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Some people think sperm just magically travels to the penis when in reality there's a whole duct to transport them...

It might not seem like it, but there's a vas deferens between the two.

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...
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I spent the whole morning building a time machine

That’s 3 hours of my life I’m never going to get back
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I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.

And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
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My whole life I thought grandpa was at D-Day

It turns out he just had a stutter.
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Every night, my whole life, I'd prayed to the saints to keep my family and home safe.

Which is why when my house was destroyed in an earthquake my faith was shook. The saints must have been distracted by something that day. I don't want to point the finger at anyone in particular, but I can't help feeling it must have been San Andreas' fault.
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To impress my date I ordered my whole dinner in French.

Even the waiter was impressed because it was a Chinese restaurant.
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The lion gathered the whole jungle and said…

Who ever jumps from the top of that mountain gets to fuck my wife.
The lion then goes to the bottom of the mountain and patiently waits.
1 hour goes by
2 hours go by
Then suddenly, the lion hears a scream.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAA” *Dump*
A bear lands on the floor frantically gets up and ...

Finding 5 dollars on the street makes your whole week.

But earning 5 dollars on the street makes your hole weak.
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I know the whole truth

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth...
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A farmer read in a paper that a single egg has as many nutrients as a whole bale of hay.

The farmer was very excited thinking how much money he could now save on feeding his horse, and quickly changed the horse's diet to one egg a day.

As days and weeks went by, the farmer noticed his horse getting thinner and thinner, weaker and weaker. After four weeks, when the horse could...

Ever since I retired from being a math teacher, my whole life has been …

… dealing with the aftermath.
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What did the toilet say to the guy who ate a whole package of sausages?

Doo your wurst!
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Why can’t water say the whole alphabet?

It only knows H to O
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I’ve spent my whole life searching for an invisible dolphin.

But now I don’t see the porpoise.
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Read the whole thing, it’s worth it

A woman sued a hospital stating that after recent treatment, her husband has lost interest in sex

The hospital in their defense stated “all we did was correct his eyesight”

Did you hear that Uri Geller planned to elevate the whole of London in what was to be the most expensive illusion ever performed?

He couldn't raise the capital.
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The whole of Ireland is at risk from rising sea levels.

Apart from Cork, which will stay afloat.
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It turns out I was guilty of a major misconception with this whole abortion thing

I thought "Row vs Wade" was a decision shipwreck survivors had to make
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This past year has been a sad one. It would have been my Mother's 60th Birthday, which we would have celebrated with the whole family. But thanks to drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of bad decisions...

We all forgot to show up.
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There I was at the supermarket, minding my own business, when a man out of nowhere came up and threw a whole block of cheese at me!

Real mature.
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The Reason Batman Does Not Cover His Whole Face is

Because He Needs The Police to Know That He Is White.
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My friend drank the whole bottle of Pepto Bismol...

What an a-bismol idea that was
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Men say 'why buy the whole cow just for some milk?" Women say...

"why buy the whole pig just for a little sausage?"
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It’s just cost me 1 whole pound to put air in my tires

5 years ago it used to cost me 20p. Suppose that’s inflation for you
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If you eat some fortune cookies whole...

You'll have some turds of wisdom.

A man spends his whole life thinking GIF is pronounced "giff"

Some of his friends still insist that it's "jiff". When he finally dies and goes to heaven he asks God "is GIF pronounced "giff" or "jiff"? God says "it's "jiff"". He responds with "ok, JOD."
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The whole town is in trouble!! A joke, old yet good..

A boy called up his mom from hospital, “Mom, I took tests and they declared that I have AIDS.”

Mom, “What? Don’t come back home son, go away.”

Boy “Why mom, I’m your son.”

Mom, “You foolish boy! If you come back home, then your wife will be infected, from your wife to your broth...
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Why did the rapper go to Whole Foods?

He heard they had fresh beets.
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Watched 50 Shades of Grey with my parents and Christ if all the sex didn't make the whole thing awkward.

I could barely see the screen with my mom bent over like that.

Why didn’t Anna and Elsa’s parents teach them the whole alphabet?

Because they got lost at C.
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated?

He’s all right now.
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What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers
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If Whole Foods sells sliced apples,

Is it false advertising?
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I spent the whole day shopping for shrubs

Boy, am I bushed!
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This whole pandemic is a conspiracy.

This whole pandemic is a conspiracy.

The Altoids Corporation teamed up with the makers of Tic-Tacs and Listerene Breath Strips and made this virus in a lab in Wu-Tang so that all the rest of us would be forced to smell our own stank-ass breath and buy millions of dollars worth of mints.
...

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I went to the zoo the other day , there was only one dog in the whole place.

It was a shitzu

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I'd been collecting coprolite for years, must have spent thousands, only for some completely useless removal guys to lose the whole collection during my house move.

I wasn't just angry. I completely lost my shit.

I'm eating mostly whole foods lately

Whole pizzas, whole cheeseburgers, whole tubs of ice cream...
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Adolf Hitler never took a taxi in his whole life.

He was more of an Uber-mensch.

A drunk man hails a taxi. When the cab pulls over, the drunk sticks his head in the passenger side window and asks the driver, "Have you got room here for a whole lobster and three bottles of wine?" "Sure." replies the driver.

"Fantastic!" and throws up on the passenger seat.
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A Russian buys a newspaper, looks at it and throws it in the bin. And so for a whole week. The seller couldn't stand it and finally asked:

\- Why are you doing this?

\- I'm looking for an obituary.

\- But the obituaries are on the last pages...

\- The one I'm looking for will be on the first one.
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I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.

He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.

One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled ''shit''!

The room took three hours to clean.

You might say this whole Covid thing is...

...nothing to sneeze at

(Just thought of that this morning, not sure if it's been done)
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I almost killed my whole family

I almost killed my whole family last night, but eventually chose not to let my wife drive.
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I've been cycling to work for a whole month now

You would have thought I would be there by now
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I never expected Facebook to own the whole "cancer on society" thing.

But they're really Meta-stasizing!
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My whole week was a disaster

Wife died
Dog walked away
Car crashed into a tree
My house burned down

The only positive thing were the results of my cancer tests
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I don't really get this whole TL;DR thing.

I don't really get this whole TL;DR thing.



TL;DR: I don't really get this whole TL;DR thing.
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Made this joke up while working at Whole Foods a couple years back...

**What do you call a Whole Foods employee that shops at another grocery store?**

>!A "Traitor" Joe !<
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I wanted to kiss my wife, but with this whole Corona thing,

instead I just elbowed her in the face.
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Our whole house has become sick

Even the chimney has the flue.
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A doctor is retiring, he mostly performed circumcisions his whole career...

...and he collected the remainders in a large glass jar. He brings the jar to a leather tanner and explains that it’s all he has to remember 50 years of service to his community - please make something, anything, nice from it.

The leather tanner says no problem; to come back in a week.
...
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I thought for my whole life that air was free...

...then I bought a bag of chips.
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My whole family loves iron

It runs in our blood.
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Just gave away a whole bunch of old batteries...

Totally free of charge.
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Whole Arm

So I’m fingering this fat girl and she's so sloppy, I start using two fingers. She says she barely feels it and says to stick my whole hand in. I told her no, that I didnt want to hurt her, but she insisted so I did. She moaned and demanded more! Amazed, l slid my whole arm up inside her and she moa...
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Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today. Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.
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It’s amazing how a little punctuation can change the meaning of a whole sentence…

Will you marry me?
Will, you marry me.
Will, you, marry, me.
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Somebody fed my donkey a whole rooster

Who put their cock in my ass?

It's a bit embarrassing to admit here, but I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street mimes..

#

..and they did some unspeakable things to me.
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Why is Whole Foods’ house brand called 365?

Cuz you have to work 365 days a year to afford it.
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Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing...

What covid is doing is just plaguerism.
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My wife is basically my whole universe...

She used to be a lot smaller and hotter, but for some reason, she just keeps expanding.

The sad thing is, eventually, there’ll be parts of her I can see now that I’ll never see again!
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Did you hear about the sad life of a penis?

His whole family is nuts, his nextdoor neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him………

People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well

I think they nailed it.
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I hate spelling errors. You mix up a couple letters and your whole post is

Urined
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On the plus side to this whole pandemic

I haven’t heard of any school shootings this year
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You go your whole life making a great pumpernickel dip, and then BAM, one day you get 20 people asking for the recipe.

Nobody expects the spinach inquisition.
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My whole life, I've never been a virgin

and the same goes for my twin!

the whole Royal Wedding took less time

than 2 astronauts crossing a door
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Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...

I have selfish steam issues.
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Intercoursing with a motivator is a whole lot new fun.

She will keep you coming.
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My English teacher told this one to my whole class

So a guide in an university does a quick tour of the campus with new male students. She shows the science department, the arts and sports departments, and then she stops at the women’s dormitory.

“You guys are NOT allowed to go there, the first time we catch you in the women’s dormitory, the ...
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