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A kiss will make your whole day

Anal will make your hole weak!

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…

But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!

A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.

She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?"

"Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you...

This whole time yoda has never revealed his last name. but I just found out

Layheehoo

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Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Me: No.

Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?

I'm nervous about this whole "long distance relationship" thing my girlfriend and I are trying.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be late/not coming.

One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""

I've had a good friend for years but I've been misspelling his name the whole time

I should have Sean it coming

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

An old couple had lived under utility lines their whole life. One day the man saw a crew digging up the old wooden posts and chopping them up. Excitedly he ran inside to tell his wife “They’re finally removing those ugly lines!” The next morning they went outside to see a clear view of the sky...

But the lines were still there, held up by shiny new metal poles. His wife looked at him disappointedly, sighed, and swore, “God damn repost.”

When you’re telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you tell them the whole joke.

Because it’s really difficult to tell them a part.

What do you call it when someone insults the whole world, and everyone retaliates?

Counter-Strike: Global Offensive

As a college girl, I never understood the whole Sorority thing

It's all Greek to me

I spent the whole yesterday making a belt out of watches,

It was a complete waist of time.

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

Two old men lived their whole lives wondering if heaven had baseball

Two old men named Bob and John have been life long friends, they shared just about everything in common, but the thing they both loved the most was baseball. Now the two always had a question about the sport they loved so much and it was when they die would baseball be in heaven to greet them. Sadly...

The whole 'Chernobyl' topic is pretty hot right now.

Although I think it was a bit hotter in 1986.

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My dog is so clever, he can swallow a whole ball of string.

I shit you knot.

Wife: I don't see any reason why you would need to drink a whole six pack right before you go to bed!

Me: That's only because there aren't any mirrors around here...

My English teacher told this one to my whole class

So a guide in an university does a quick tour of the campus with new male students. She shows the science department, the arts and sports departments, and then she stops at the women’s dormitory.

“You guys are NOT allowed to go there, the first time we catch you in the women’s dormitory, the ...

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Have you heard about the man who had to press the "D" button on a keyboard his whole life?

It's a d-pressing story.

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My wife told me that if I painted the whole house, we could get freaky and do anal.

It's been a week and my ass is still sore.

A 700kg man has wasted his whole life untying knots

He is the world's biggest looser

We have been misunderstanding antivaxxers this whole time! They really *do* their own research

Specifically, they are the control group.

Whenever i see a woman driving a bus, i smile to myself and think how far we have come in the whole equality thing compared to just a few short years ago

Then i wait for the next bus.

I study whole day / Night but got b+ , whereas my friend goes to party , spend times on games and movies, still got A+ .....

On blood test report..

It's Mother's Day and the whole family has enjoyed a delicious dinner.

As all were done, the mother stands up and as she's about to grab the empty plates, the father asks :

"Honey... what are you doing ?"

Mother : "... Bringing the dishes to the kitchen and putting them in the dishwasher, what else ?"

Father : "Come on darling, today is Mother's Da...

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Today just shocked my whole life

First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.

What is it called when you eat a whole bag of Swedish Berries?

Finnish Berries

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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

Did you hear about that celebrity who got caught stealing a whole bunch of cheese?

True story, it was Brie Larson.

"I banged the hottest chick of my class and now the whole town is talking about it."

~ Walter, 52, primary school teacher

The whole world was flat..

...until they buried yo mama.

Why did the man work in a barn for his whole life?

Because it was a stable career.

You can go your whole life without eating

I mean, you would die of starvation, but you technically would’ve gone your whole life without eating.

You hear about the librarian who stole a whole bunch of dictionaries?

She got away with words.

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I’m a father of four and I spent the whole week child-proofing my house...

But for the little bastards keep getting in.

People have called me weird my whole life for how into women's feet I am.

I just tell them to blame my parents. When I was growing up, all I ever heard was how important a woman's sole was.

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Some say that Jesus was a virgin for his whole life...

Others say he got nailed right before he died.

Before i die im going to eat a whole bag of un-poped popcorn

Hopefully it will make the cremation a bit more interesting

Told the whole family I was gonna put the dog down, we've had him 10 years.

I then proceeded to let him down to the ground and he just walked away.

Once we meet intelligent extraterrestrials, discrimination will get a whole new dimension

Just for you to know, I am on your side, you are my species!

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

I was shocked to find out that I had a little Canadian in me this whole time.

And he didn’t even perform well!

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Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental - twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”

I’m gonna get a tattoo over my whole body.

Of me, but taller.

The whole world should be worried if North Korea has a missile that can hit New York...

...because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

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What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

I wasn't a fan of this whole cancer thing

But it's grown on me.

The teacher called me out in front of the whole class for cheating on the final and took away my A+.

It was degrading.

One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world

Then you'll all be sorry

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This whole college bribery scandal pisses me off. When I got into MIT, we didn't have fixers or bribes.

We did it the old fashioned way: cheating and blowjobs.

New poll shows that the majority Bernie Sander's supporters like whole milk

But they hate 1%

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People say that the Jews did not handle the whole Jesus situation well.

I think they nailed it.

Back when I was in the army, I killed a whole squadron of soldiers with my bare hands.

I probably should have worn gloves while cooking.

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Some people think sperm just magically travels to the penis when in reality there's a whole duct to transport them...

It might not seem like it, but there's a vas deferens between the two.

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A guy who has spent his whole life in the outback of Australia decides he wants a change in his life, so he moves to the city.

He arrives in Sydney, and the first thing he does is looks for a job. He goes to the biggest department store downtown and applies for a job. The HR rep asks him if he has any experience in sales. So the guy says 'yea I was considered one of the best salesmen out Bush'. The rep isn't amused. 'This ...

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish.

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish.

A young boy named Jim with suspected mental illness was due to visit a psychotherapist but he seemed very uncomfortable with the whole idea. Finally his mother convinced him to go. Upon arrival the young boy was greeted “Hello Jim, do you know who I am?”...

Jim replied.. “Of course I do, your Psycho The Rapist!”

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Everyday a man named Jack would chew and swallow three whole packs of bubble gum.

Finally his concerned coworkers asked, "Jack, whats the deal with chewing and swallowing all this bubble gum?"

Jack responded by saying, "I don't know... It just helps me keep my shit together."

Is it just me or has this whole third sub thing gone too far?

I can barely finish eating one sub. Let alone three

When I couldn't go a whole day without frolicking through a field, I knew...

I was addicted to gamboling.

I asked my girlfriend for a gift that would last the whole year...

She gave me a calendar.

I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.

And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.

Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...

I have selfish steam issues.

The whole truth

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her,
“I know the...

They promised to botox my whole face...

...but it was just lip service.

Whole world is ours

It was the year 2152, exactly 100 years after Obama has died. On that special anniversary he walked straight to god and asked him if he could get on earth for one day, to see how the USA has evolved since. God allowed that and sent him in New York.

In NY Obama went in a cafe and ordered some...

The tyrant Stalin never said the word "thank you" his whole life

Mostly because he didn't speak English.

My brother has been out of town for a month and I've had to take care of his pet rabbit the whole time.

Let me tell ya...it's been hare raising.

What's scarier than finding out that you have been in a simulation this whole time?

That you can only talk about it with people who always think you're joking.

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My wife thought it would be kinky if she put a whole sheet of glass in my butt.

I told her, "No way, that would be a massive pane in the ass."

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How Amazon's acquisition of Whole Foods really went down:

Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.

Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.

Bezos: Crap.

What do you call a whole grain that’s zero calories but is rarely used?

Weird flax but 0k

My friend had the dictionary open to the "B" section for the whole afternoon.

I asked him why, but another friend came in, sighed, and said, "Some people just want to watch the word burn."

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My sexual prowess is comparable to the whole Russian Military.

Where I make it out to be much more powerful than it actually is.

You spend your whole life thinking your fridge is a fridge...

...and one day you walk in to the kitchen and your fridge is ajar!

I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far.

This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.

Guy got into a car accident and had his whole left side cut off.

He's all right now.

What do you call it when someone gets their whole face tattooed?

An everlasting job stopper.

I finally confronted the colleague drinking whole pot of common office coffee

How do you even sleep at night?

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A sad guy walks into a bar and asks for a whole bottle of vodka

The bartender sits the bottle in front of him and asks "oh boy, you look like shit, what happened?". The man answers "I just found out my brother is gay".

The next day, the same guy walks into the same bar and asks for two bottles of vodka. The bartender asks "ok, what happened this time?", t...

Mary One-lip searched her whole life for her one-lipped prince, until she found a handsome florist. But she could not marry him...

... For he had tulips.

I was working at a coffee shop, and a priest asked if I have any whole milk

I said "forgive me father, for I have skim"

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I dont know why my whole village calls my friend "Pig Fucker Dave"

His name isn't even Dave

I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my home. it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV, my PS4 and my legos were fine. But the room was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps

I was delighted.

Superglue comes with a warning: "Caution - Instantly bonds skin." But a whole shipment got out with a misprint: "Caution - Instantly bonds kin."

That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin.

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania

Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.

I want to improve this whole Battle Royale craze

I want it to be Battle Royale with cheese

"Rincewind, all the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah, Luters I expect." --Terry Pratchet, The Light Fantastic

Did you hear about the guy who got the whole left half of his body cut off?

Doctors say he’s alright now.

Why do whole numbers struggle in debates with decimal places?

They have no point to make

After that whole ring fiasco, Gandalf was in the Shire talking with Merry and Pippen...

"So, you went through the dark forest and met my friends the tree hearders. The Ents. Tell me about your journey."

Merry began. "They were all so big and mean and full of energy. All they did was rant and insult us!"

"Most of them, yes!" added Pippen. "Then we met old Gnarly Bark. He w...

An old man is on his deathbed and calls his whole family into his bedroom so he can make his peace.

After everyone seems to be there, the old man asks, "Are you absolutely sure everyone is in here?" No one is in any other part of the house?"

His son says, "Don't worry dad, everyone is here"

The dad says, " Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"

I have been a vegan for my whole life, but after my friends kept urging me to eat scrambled eggs, i finally did.

Tbh it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

When I was a kid, my teacher told the whole class to go home and smoke or drink. Get it out of your system. After that, you will never feel like doing it again. Thanks to him, I never smoked or touched alcohol after that night of trying.

I moved to bigger things. I am a crack addict now.

I feel bad for Ray Charles about the whole Stevie Wonder thing...

I mean another blind black piano player? There's no way he saw that coming.

Once I ate a whole banana, skin and all.

I found it quite unappeeling.

I wanted to spread my message of peace and non-violence to the whole wide world.

So I went to a secluded tribe in the Amazon, and their warriors were not at all keen to see me.

One ran up to me with a spear and said “I will stab you if you don’t leave”.

But I stood my ground, grabbed the spear, and told him that “violence is never the answer”.

He looked at m...

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My sex life just got a whole lot better...

Frontier increased my download speed from 1.5Mbs to 15.

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John was stuttering his whole life

He went to all the specialist that existed since he was a child. They tried everything possible but nobody could help him.

He started a new job and his coworker told him about this genius doctor that has not met a condition he couldn't fix. Desperate John decides to give this doctor a final ...

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Trump has become the ruler of the whole world, and it's his birthday.

He demands that the ambassador of every country bring him something famous from their homeland to please him on such a glorious day.

First comes the ambassador of Germany. Along with him, he's brought the keys to a new concept car built by both BMW and Mercedes. It's the only one in productio...

My absolute favorite thing ever in the whole world has to be exaggeration.

No wait, second guessing. Yeah second guessing is my favorite thing.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

I read this whole sub-reddit twice

Without even scrolling back to the top of the page

The cow waited it’s whole life to be met

Because “meated” isn’t a word

Whole Arm

So I’m fingering this fat girl and she's so sloppy, I start using two fingers. She says she barely feels it and says to stick my whole hand in. I told her no, that I didnt want to hurt her, but she insisted so I did. She moaned and demanded more! Amazed, l slid my whole arm up inside her and she moa...

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Bono, whilst playing a gig in Glasgow, got the whole crowd to be silent and then began slowly clapping his hands

He got the crowd to clap along for a while, the stadium quiet except for the rhythmic clapping.

After a short period Bono spoke, saying that every time he clapped his hands a child in Africa died.

Suddenly, from the front row of the venue a voice broke out in thick Scottish brogue, end...

The whole town is in trouble!! A joke, old yet good..

A boy called up his mom from hospital, “Mom, I took tests and they declared that I have AIDS.”

Mom, “What? Don’t come back home son, go away.”

Boy “Why mom, I’m your son.”

Mom, “You foolish boy! If you come back home, then your wife will be infected, from your wife to your broth...

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There is a rabbi that studied all the religions of the world. He had worked his whole life to experience them all....

He finally had studied and participated in all the world's religions, except for one. There was the small tropical island far away from civilization. This island, the Island of Trid, was populated by the local islanders, the trids. They an idyllic culture. Easy and peaceful living in harmony with th...

If I drank a whole bottle of food coloring...

I would dye.

My whole family bonded over math. Calculus was our religion. Except my grandfather...

...he was against integration.

Credit: Matthew Broussard

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My friend said if I watch Schindler's List I would need a whole box of tissues.

He lied only had two wanks during it.

My whole life before age 12 was a blur.

That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.

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My dog has been single his whole life...

I’d take him to the dog park to find a girlfriend but I don’t think he knows how to talk to bitches

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