UPJOKE
eacheveryonlythonthemtheirthehershimhisthatherwhoanhe

Per Jokes

A man answered an ad that read "Hiring welders $18-$24 per hour"..

When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test.

He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess.

When the boss asked him why he did this he replied "One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are neo-Nazis the highest per-capita consumers of men's sex toys?

Because they prefer their flesh light.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.

Looks like I'm in for a pretty wild December.

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver lo...

I asked my wife, how can we afford to drive when gas costs $500 per gallon?

She told me I was missing the point

I am on a strict diet of 1200 calories per day

Luckily, the doctor didn't say anything about the nights.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The average male ejaculation occurs at 28 Miles per hour

Which makes it illegal in school zones

TIL sperm donors are paid $50 per donation.

It was devastating. Imagine all the money that has slipped through my fingers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hitman who never misses charges $10k per bullet.

One day, a man hires the hitman and tells him that his wife is cheating on him, and that she is currently in bed with another man. He wants them shot.

So they sit on top a hill at a small distance from the house, facing the bedroom window where the man’s wife is having her affair. He tells t...

Yer a joule per second, Harry.

I'm a watt?

Did you know Chuck Norris prays three times per day?

Yeah, he checks if God needs anything.

What is the unit to express joules per second?

Sorry, watt is the unit to express joules per second.

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

What's the difference between pay-per-view boxing and charismatic religious broadcasts?

When a boxer knocks someone out it's for real.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a da...

The world's most expensive object by weight : at 8 million dollars per gram, it's a stamp

UPDATE : weighing 25 grams and costing a staggering 22 Bugatti cars, the new winner is Andrew Tate's pizza box.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On average, a man has sex approximately 84 times per year

It's going to be a rough week.

War

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the Priest, “That's not a sin.”

“But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed...

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

What ethnic group eats the most milk products per capita?

The Kurds

A guy is driving along when he spots a gypsies caravan on the side of the road with a sign saying, "readings $10 per person".

He pulls over thinking this could be a laugh, and enters the caravan.

The gypsy immediately grabs his hands, looks at them for a couple of seconds and looks up into the guys eyes.

She says, "Thriller, pretty woman, when doves cry ,stairway to heaven."

"wow", said the guy, "tho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hired a prostitute who charges $10,000 per hour.

The total bill came to $40.

I arrived at the gas station only to see that its 7.00 dollars per gallon and 7.00 dollars per pack of cigarettes. And since my job is on the line, the answer is pretty obvious.

I can bike for 30 miles, its better for my health anyways.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man should ejaculate 21 times per month

Research says a man should ejaculate 21 times per month to reduce risk of developing prostate cancer.

It's June 2020 and I'm already done with August 2023

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually indentify as kilometers per second

Because I want to km/s

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pay per spank

So a Religious and up tight Father checks into a hotel with his wife and children. Before they unpack there bags , his wife reminds him about the pay per view channels . The father walks down to the front desk and rings the service bell. The front desk manager says “ How May I help you Sir?” ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a pimp who maintains the ideal number of prostitutes per customer?

Horatio

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a 17 year old kid just got a job at a Everything-plus kind of store. The manager tells him that he needs to sell at least $500 of their products per week.

The manager comes a week later and asks the kid how much he made, and the kid says he made $100,000. The manager asks how he did it. So the kid says that a man came in on Friday needing some fishing lures, so he sold him the most expensive pack of lures. He then said to the man “ You’ll need a good ...

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements.

How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts departmen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frank and John go hunting, as per usual on their sunday afternoon

John is blind, so Frank is always there to help him aim his rifle. As they're walking on the woods, Frank spots a deer:

F - (whispering) Oh, I spot a deer!

J - Nice, tell me where to aim.

F - You're basically facing him. Raise your rifle, perfect, now aim a little bit to your ri...

What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

A Soviet apple quartering machine.

I mailed you a joke from 12 miles away at 43,200 miles per hour.

It might take a second for you to get it.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.

It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.

Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einste...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Weekend

A young guy goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

Where do you find a McDonald´s Big Mac with a very high amount of lumens per square metre?

In a Lux-em-Burger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

22 Miles Per Hour

A cop is driving down a freeway and he suddenly sees a car going slow, like incredibly slow. He thinks "people who drive at super slow speeds are just as bad as driving super fast on a freeway." He takes out his radar gun, and takes the speed of the car. It reads 22 miles per hour. The cop decides t...

A lawyer calls up a plumber to come out to his house...

The plumber takes a look and says, OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800.

The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks, how long will it take? The plumber responds, "well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair"<...

My house and a grocery store are 15 miles apart and it takes an average person to walk 1 mile per hour

Why does it take my dad more than 19 years to get to the store and back?

"How much for dressed chicken?" "$1.28 per pound."

"How much if it's undressed?"

Heisenberg was pulled over by a highway patrolman.

Cop: Do you know where you are?

Heisenberg: California, on a freeway.

Cop: That's right. Speed limit here is 65. Do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg: No, officer.

Cop: 95 miles per hour!

Heisenberg: Oh great. Now I don't know where I am.

Judge says "After reviewing your case Mr Smith, I have decided to give your wife $445 per week."

"Thats very fair your honor." The husband said "And every now and then I ll try to send a few bucks myself"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What U.S. state has the highest portion of Redditors per capita?

Virginia

Which state has the most streets per square mile?

It's Rhode Island.

I'm down to eating only one meal per day.

It's 56 courses and it takes me two days to finish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness?

100 metres over 9.58 seconds.



edit: wow this blew up overnight! How do I flair this as racist?

edit2: holy shit I was tired when I wrote this. My physics teacher will kill me. I wrote time/distance instead...

Patient: Doc, as per your advice,

I have stopped drinking, now I only drink alcohol if someone insists.

Doctor: Ok!
who is the gentleman with you?

Patient: Oh, he?
He is the one I employed to insist.

I allow myself only one doughnut per year.

This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.

The earth travels through space at 660,000 miles per hour.

And I get six points for going 33 in a 30 zone.

How to sell sugar for 100$ per pack?

Call it homeopathy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prostitute Joke.

Man : How much for a blowjob?

Prostitute : Ummm $20

Man : Ohhh Damn, it was $80 for my friend. I guess
I am your favourite.

Prostitute : Cut it out, I charge $10 per inch.

Paddy goes for a job, boss man says it is £10.00 per hour rising to £15.00 per hour after 6 months, when can you start? Paddy says.

In 6 months.

If I had a nickel for every bread pun

I'd have a pun-per-nickel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 100 mile per-hour goat

Two rednecks are walking through the woods in West Virginia when they come upon a large hole in the ground. They are examining the hole when one turns to the other and says "Maaaaan... that sure looks like one DEEP hole. How far down do you think it goes?" The other replies "I can't really tell, but...

I can't believe I pay so much money per year for toilet paper

It's a total rip-off.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my friend getting high in my room. Friend: Did you know that your cum holds 1.5 TB of data per ejaculation?

Me: That's how I DDoS your mum bruh.

[blonde] Two girls were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again. "Yes... no... yes... no...yes..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The farmer sells his horse for $2000 to a buyer at the market.

The farmer initially promises to deliver the horse to the man in a week, but halfway through that week, the horse dies.

The farmer offers to return the money, but the man decides to proceed with the purchase. In the following week, the farmer encounters the man and inquires about the fate of...

The Hundred-Mile-per-Hour Goat

Two Pennsylvania rednecks are out rabbit hunting, and as they are walking along through the woods, they came upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

If we're saying Amen and Awomen now...

Are we going to start having to sing hymns and herns?

Student doing test: “The unit of power equivalent to 1 joule per second is called the [....]”

Friend leans over: “Watt is the answer”

Student: “I don’t know, I’ve been trying to figure it out”

I can type 600 words per minute

but none of them makes any sense

The local sperm bank is paying £100 per sample.

Think of all that money you have let slip through your fingers.

How much does a circumciser get paid per hour?

Nothing, he just keeps the tips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

Fitness experts recommend walking 10,000 steps per day to remain healthy.

That is an awful lot of trips to the fridge.

Mhz means one million periods per second.

That sounds like it megahertz.

That 'One Laptop Per Child' thing...

Where do I drop off the child and when do I get my new laptop?

A man finally gets a job as a Wal-Mart greeter...

So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, and about two hours into my first day on the job a loud, mean, and unattractive woman enters the store with her two children, yelling obscenities at them the whole way.

Per my greeter instructions, I pleasantly said, "Good Morning and welcome t...

I just found out 7 people per 1 million born are named Bacon

Pork Kids

Usain Bolt can reach speeds up to 30 miles per hour. So in certain suburban neighborhoods, he might get arrested.

For being black.

An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.

The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?”

The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."

Mr. Fenwood owns a cow, but has nowhere to pasture her . . .

. . . So he talks to his neighbor, Mr. Potter, and cuts a deal to pasture his cow in Potter's field for $200 per month. Months go by and the cow is happy, but Fenwood hasn't paid Potter anything.

After 10 months, Potter goes to Fenwood to sort things out.

"Listen, you owe me $2000 an...

I’m starting to make a robot that has a really high words per minute.

He’s a pro-to-type.

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.

The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"

The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.

The cop smiles and says, "That's not the...

It's true that an NRA membership costs $45 per year, while Deer Lovers Anonymous is $60.

...but you get more bang for your buck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The French eat more butter than any country per capita

They're ahead of the next closest by a large margarine

Why can't you read the following sentence at 120 words per minute

Because, adding, commas, can, slow, down, the, speed, a, person, normally, reads, at

I got a call from the bank :"Pay us ₹8000 per month and receive ₹1crore at the age of 60 for retirement"

I replied " How about you send me ₹1crore now and I'll pay you ₹9000 per month for the rest of my life "

He then disconnected the call.

Edit : for non indians - 1 crore = 10 million

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer was driving more than 120 miles per hour when he was stopped by a traffic cop.

"You were beyond the speed allowed. License and registration please." - said the officer.

"Well, it's expired." said the lawyer

"Documents of the vehicle please" - said the officer

"This is not my car."

"Please sir, open the glove compartment."

"I can't, there's a ...

Steve's Place.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...

Old Soviet joke. What is huge, noisy, eats 20 liters of gas per hour and cuts apples in 3 pieces?

Soviet machine that cuts apples in 4 pieces.

What do you call a man who boasts of three erections per day?

A tri-hard.

I met an Irishman who cooked beans and he would just use exactly 239 beans per pot. I asked him, why? He said

If I added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

I know a guy who religiously gets his teeth checked once per week

. He's a Seventh Day A Dentist

I heard about the One Laptop Per Child program and I have questions.

1) Where do I get the laptop?
2) Where do I turn in the child?

What family member cannot stand 9.8 meters per second?

‘Auntie’ Gravity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman's husband dies unexpectedly, and as per his wishes, she has him cremated.

Once she gets home, she sets his urn on their patio table. "Honey, there are so many things I wish I could have told you before you had passed." she says. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I'll do my best to say them all now."



She sits down in a chair, chin propped on her hands. "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

What do you call a person without a son?

Per

So other day I was chatting with this one girl who wasn't that tech savvy per se. The conversion went like this:

Her: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU??

Me: Uhh try pressing the Caps Lock.

Her:OMG AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

Why do French people eat no more than 1 egg per meal?

Because one is un œuf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL The queen bee has sex with up to 40 males per day.

Just like your mom.

I found a way to save 27 million tons of paper per year

I signed up for e-mail receipts at CVS

£5 per month can supply a whole village in Africa with water.

Yet I'm paying £30 per month for just me!

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

A doctor lacking empathy

"A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery.

Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him.

'Hello, the surgery went well. Unfortunately, the recovery will be very...

We all know that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, but why did seven eat nine?

Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.

What do you call someone who goes to the bathroom 100 times per night?

A centipeed.

Falling vending machines kill more people per year than sharks.

I've never even seen a shark near a vending machine.

A judge in divorce court looks at the man and says, "I'm giving your ex-wife $950 per month alimony.

Fantastic, your Honor. And I'll kick in a little something myself.

President Trump announces plan to limit Highway Speed Limit of 55 Miles per Hour

He wants to Make America Late Again

How many frames per second does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 because that's peasants work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rhinos produce 1,346,980 sperm cells per ejaculation...

I guess its because they're always so horny...

You can easily make money by collecting helium and selling it for a dollar per pound.

No weight, that doesn't make any cents...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.