Anybody Jokes - 109 Hilarious Anybody Jokes

Your parents in 1996: "Don't trust ANYBODY on the internet!"

Your parents today: "Freedom Eagle dot facebook says Hillary invented AIDS."

Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship?

I'm asking for a friend.

Anybody caught breaking rule will be fined....

The first day of university and Dean addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

He continued, “A...

"Anybody here named Jeff?"

Jeff: "Yes"

Geoff: "Yeos"

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Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?

He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.

So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventu...

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

My wife, two drinks and she's anybody's

Three drinks and she's mine

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Did anybody see the movie about the emo kid who was a compulsive masturbator?

It was a real tear jerker.

If anybody received a book from me at Christmas

They'll be due back at the library in the next few days.

What dou you call you german friend that tends to just get up and go home without telling anybody?

Up and Heimer.

I just came up with it and im not sorry.

What do you call someone that doesn’t remember anybody’s name?

Paul: "So, anybody have any ideas for the last part of 'Hey,Jude'?"

John: "Nah."
George: "Nah."
Ringo: "Nah."

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Does anybody know what D word is?

It seems like it is very upsetting to some people. They call me a dick when I ask them

Does anybody know any jokes about salt?

did anybody see that hilarious Amy schumer bit?

me neither

Does anybody know where I can find a good family cooking book?

It's not easy shopping when you're a cannibal.

A teacher asks her students,"Can anybody spell before?"

Carey stands up and says, "Before. B -e- f -o- r.Before."

"No that is wrong.Sit down."say⁴s the teacher."

"Frankie, can you spell before?"

Frankie stands up and says, "Before.B - e- e- f -o-r.Before!"

"No, that's not right either.Tyrone, can you spell before?"

Tyro...

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

If anybody is here for the Yodelling Expo 2012

Please form an orderly, orderly, orderly queeeeeee-ue!!

Yuri Gagarin returned from space and Khrushchev asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"

Yuri replied: "Yes."

"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."

Gagarin traveled to Rome and met the Pope, who asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"

Yuri replied: "No."

"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."

Does anybody have a scale I could borrow?

I just bought a bag of red hot chili peppers and I need to give it a weigh! Give it a weigh! Give it a weigh nowww!

If anybody wants any copies of Orthopedic Monthly...

I have back issues.

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I don't judge anybody for masturbating.

You do you.

Is anybody here a doctor?

- Yes, I am
- He’s having a heart attack!
- I’m a doctor on Spanish philology
- But he’s going to die
- Pero el va a morir

My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what "ternative" means?

Anybody here heard of Molecules?

He’s the smallest of the Greek heroes!

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An asexual won't screw anybody.

However, an asexual lawyer will screw everyone.

Anybody know who won the origami fight last night?

I couldn't find it anywhere on Paper-View

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1.

Break their bones; they have 206.

Never trust anybody who has graph paper.

They're always plotting something.

Does anybody smell toast?

Seriously, does anyone smell toas-

Why doesn't anybody eat the toast after they see an image of Jesus?

I bet it tastes divine!

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Anybody could have predicted Hitler's rise to power.

After all, he dominated the Poles.

Does anybody know how to charge their milk?

Mine is stuck at 1%

Does anybody else believe in solipsism..

Or is it just me?

Getting Alzheimer's is like being famous because you won't recognize anybody, but everybody will recognize you...

Plus, if there's just one positive from getting Alzheimer's... It's laughing at the brand new jokes in this subreddit all day, everyday!

I didn't tell anybody but I volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials for C-19 in Amsterdam

I received my first shot today and wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно

For anybody who doesn't believe vaccines cause autism...

My Douglas was vaccinated and is now nearly five years old. He has still not learned to speak a single word, cannot dress himself and is not even able to use the toilet.

Don't let vaccines ruin your dog's life too.

Why don't they just let anybody become a conductor?

It requires a lot of training

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...

I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

I want Donald Trump to be my parole officer...

...he never lets anybody finish a sentence.

Does anybody know which actor played Forrest Gump?

Thanks

Teacher: "Does anybody have any food allergies"

Carl: "Pollen"

Teacher: "Well, you don't eat pollen, do you?"

Carl: "No ma'am, I'm allergic"

Don’t be afraid to cut anybody off.

-T-Mobile

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Anybody here have sex while camping?

It's fucking intense.

Doctor: "Does anybody in your family suffer from mental illness?"

Me: "No... so far as I can tell, they seem to enjoy it."

Anybody know how much Deer antlers cost?

I was told they're always 2 for a Buck.

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

I dated a blind girl once...

I thought she was cheating on me. What a relief it was to find out the truth! Turned out she wasn't seeing anybody.

I wouldn't believe anybody with scoliosis if I were you.

They're twisted people.

Why doesn’t Boba Fett work with anybody?

He hunts Solo.

I don't know if anybody's done this before

the US tried to draft me
but Iran away.

LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to...

Anybody hear about that guy that worked in the calender factory?

He took 2 weeks off in March.

Why wouldn't anybody date Lizzie Borden?

she was a known ex-murderer

If Jesus has his second-coming, there's no way he'll let anybody crucify him.

Nobody double-crosses Jesus

Anybody know someone that wants to buy letter openers, staplers, pens, and other office supplies?

Most of it is labeled with Capital Hill or U.S. Senate but it's all usable. Let me know! Thanks.

Can anybody help me with a crossword clue?

Where they nailed Jesus (2 across)

Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

Thought knot.

Anybody know where to buy camoflage condoms?

I don't want her to know when I'm coming.

Has anybody posted any jokes about 4/20 yet?

I think it's high time

Anybody a fan of college football?

I heard the Miami Hurricanes are looking strong this year.

Does anybody know any good Groundhog Day jokes?

I feel like I keep hearing the same ones over and over again

Does anybody know what a landing strip is?

I came across one yesterday.

My lawyer archibald jones will represent anybody...

He is never case sensitive.

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spen...

Anybody heard about the bulletproof Irishman?

Rick 'o Shea

Whatever you do, don't let anybody walk over you.

\- My friend when I attended the party dressed as a land mine.

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SIXTY NINER anybody?

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she'...

My dad always said, "Don't trust anybody".

But I don't know if his advice is genuine.

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, And Nobody.

This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody'...

Does anybody want to buy 500 sandwiches and 250 sausage rolls?

I misread the headlines and thought we were picnic buying.

Why cant you call anybody while at the beach?

Because the shell service was so bad.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot,

and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

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The lost cock

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass...

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

Anybody know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't hear a vitamin

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Q: Does anybody know how many dead hookers it takes to change a lightbulb in a basement?

Because it’s definitely not six...

A group of mountain climbers all contract Coronavirus, but are strangely unable to infect anybody else.

This is because scalars aren't vectors.

Anybody know some white people jokes?

I'm an avid racist and like to have plenty of denigrating jokes at the ready for any particular race. Sadly I know very few targeted at Caucasians, and the ones I do know make them look sorta good (rich, stable, part of ruling elite). Anybody know any jokes that poke fun at being white?

I was at a bar last night, when a waitress screamed "Does anybody know CPR ?'

I said "Hell, I know the whole alphabet", everybody laughed. Well, except for this one guy.....

Hark work never killed anybody

But why take the risk.

A Texan walks into an Irish bar...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's of...

Why didn't anybody notice the bass clef?

Because it was low-key.

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Small Head

A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of a...

OMG! Is anybody a doctor on this plane?!

*BAM BAM!!! BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!!!*
...anyone else?!

Anybody taking bath in Milk..

"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."

Does anybody know a rad trigonometry joke?

Please don't go off on a tangent.

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A guy walks into a bar...

...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, ...

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the c...

I stopped showering or changing my clothes, as a precaution against COVID-19.

If anybody gets within six feet of me, I know they must have lost their sense of smell.

Hey, does anybody remember that famous multi-personality patient who was the subject of the book Sybil that came out in the '70s? well, I went to high school with her!

A lot of the other kids kind of avoided her, but I thought she was good people.

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Anybody ever get paid to smuggle drugs in their butt?

... Cause it sounds like a dope ass job.

Anybody want to bet me that next year is going to be worse than this one?

I'm offering odds of 20 2 1.

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died....

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children

If anybody else does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

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A prostitute walks into a bar on Christmas eve

A prostitute walks into a bar and orders a glass of wine. "So, what did you ask Santa for this year?" the bartender asks. "$30," the prostitute replies, "just like anybody else."

People in town had noticed that a certain miser never invited anybody to dinner.

"I'll bet," said a prankster, "that I can get an invitation."

The wager was accepted, and our prankster went to see the rich man the next day, at a time when he knew that the miser would be at the table with his family.

He rang the bell, and told the servant who opened the door that h...

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Did you know that Hitler never said sorry to anybody in his entire life?

He didn't speak English.

"Welcome to Cheapskates Anonymous, would anybody like to start?"

"I'd like to say that I'm not a cheapskate. I'm just here for the free coffee."

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NSFW Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-...

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A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"

She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to...

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Anybody ever taken a Billy may's poop

everytime you think it's over it's like but wait there's more

Anybody heard the joke about the wall?

...Can't tell you anyway because you wouldn't get over it.

Did anybody hear about the karate champion who joined the army?

It was a disaster!

The first time he tried to salute, he nearly killed himself

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Anybody read the paper this morning

Person one: "Hey, did you read the news this morning?"
Person two: "No, why?"
Person one: "omg it was crazy, this famous actress stabbed her housekeeper like 50 times!"
Person two: "holy shit, what was her name?"
Person one: "uhh, it was like Reese something, umm Reese..."
Person two:...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Anybody see that movie about the dog who befriends a dolphin?

A Dog's Porpoise

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