Anybody caught breaking rule will be fined....

The first day of university and Dean addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

He continued, “A...

Getting Alzheimer's is like being famous because you won't recognize anybody, but everybody will recognize you...

Plus, if there's just one positive from getting Alzheimer's... It's laughing at the brand new jokes in this subreddit all day, everyday!

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

Anybody know who won the origami fight last night?

I couldn't find it anywhere on Paper-View

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Anybody ever heard of those Viagra pills?

I heard they were sinking a crate of the stuff down to the Titanic to try and raise it.

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

A teacher asks her students,"Can anybody spell before?"

Carey stands up and says, "Before. B -e- f -o- r.Before."

"No that is wrong.Sit down."say⁴s the teacher."

"Frankie, can you spell before?"

Frankie stands up and says, "Before.B - e- e- f -o-r.Before!"

"No, that's not right either.Tyrone, can you spell before?"

Tyro...

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

I told my wife to not tell anybody we tried using Magnums

I guess it just slipped out.

If Jesus has his second-coming, there's no way he'll let anybody crucify him.

Nobody double-crosses Jesus

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An Australian guy with an alligator walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bar, sets the alligator on the counter and asks for a free drink. Bartender tells him "Sorry, we don't do free drinks here." Aussie says "What if I showed you a trick? " Bartender tells him "It will need to be a really cool trick if you want to earn a free drink."

So, the Au...

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1.

Break their bones; they have 206.

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Anybody could have predicted Hitler's rise to power.

After all, he dominated the Poles.

Middle school for me was like Charles Darwin…

Naturally, I wasn’t selected by anybody.

I stopped showering or changing my clothes, as a precaution against COVID-19.

If anybody gets within six feet of me, I know they must have lost their sense of smell.

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant.

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...



The boy ...

My wife and I have given a lot of thought on this...

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Anybody know someone that wants to buy letter openers, staplers, pens, and other office supplies?

Most of it is labeled with Capital Hill or U.S. Senate but it's all usable. Let me know! Thanks.

Your body is a lot like your car

You shouldn't let just anybody put stuff in your trunk.

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I don't judge anybody for masturbating.

You do you.

A man was on his deathbed when his wife called the local priest to administer the last rites.

When the priest came, he started giving the man a sermon about the 'washing away of our sins. The priest man then told the dying man to denounce Satan. "Let the Devil know, that you hate him and his evil ways," the priest said.

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order to the ...

Does anybody know how to charge their milk?

Mine is stuck at 1%

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

I didn't tell anybody but I volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials for C-19 in Amsterdam

I received my first shot today and wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

"What'll you have?” the bartender asks.

"Gin and tonic,” says the man.

The bartender obliges, and the man sits and enjoys his drink. As he unwinds and watches the football game on TV, he hears the door open. He casually glances behind him to see who's walking in and does a double take ...

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A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"


She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to f...

Is anybody here a doctor?

- Yes, I am
- He’s having a heart attack!
- I’m a doctor on Spanish philology
- But he’s going to die
- Pero el va a morir

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An asexual won't screw anybody.

However, an asexual lawyer will screw everyone.

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An Irish Tale

The daughter of a poor Irish farmer had not been home for over five years. When she did return, her father cursed her heavily.

“Where have ye been all this while, lass? Why did ye run off and not write us, not even a line? Why? Can ye not understand the pains you've poor ol' mother through? A...

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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper..

But it wouldn't take shit from anybody

Anybody here like solipsism?

.. Or is it just me?

100% of people can list the numbers from 1 to 100

Anybody else doesn’t count

Doctor: "Does anybody in your family suffer from mental illness?"

Me: "No... so far as I can tell, they seem to enjoy it."

A granny is walking to the store when she is stopped by a military checkpoint

Soldiers inform her that she can't cross the bridge because it was destroyed. "Destroyed how? I can plainly see it and there is nothing wrong with it." "No, no, ma'am" explains the soldier. "According to the exercise scenario this bridge was destroyed yesterday and we can't let anybody cross." "But ...

Anybody here heard of Molecules?

He’s the smallest of the Greek heroes!

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Q: Does anybody know how many dead hookers it takes to change a lightbulb in a basement?

Because it’s definitely not six...

Anybody hear about that guy that worked in the calender factory?

He took 2 weeks off in March.

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A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road when they saw some corn in a ditch just across the road.

The horse walked over to eat the corn.

Before he got to the corn, he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud.

So he tells the chicken "Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud.”

When the chicken gets to the f...

Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship?

I'm asking for a friend.

Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

Thought knot.

Don’t be afraid to cut anybody off.

-T-Mobile

Whose job is it, anyway?

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Any...

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A guy walks into a bar

He has his dog with him. It's an ugly little yellow dog. He sits down at the bar next to a Marine.

The Marine has his dog with him. It's a German Shepherd, and it bristles at the ugly little yellow dog.

The Marine says "Son, you need to get your ugly little yellow dog out of here, or m...

Your parents in 1996: "Don't trust ANYBODY on the internet!"

Your parents today: "Freedom Eagle dot facebook says Hillary invented AIDS."

A group of mountain climbers all contract Coronavirus, but are strangely unable to infect anybody else.

This is because scalars aren't vectors.

Does anybody smell toast?

Seriously, does anyone smell toas-

I want Donald Trump to be my parole officer...

...he never lets anybody finish a sentence.

Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around he...

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Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?

He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.

So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventu...

Author Joe Hill didn't want anybody to know he was Stephen King's son because he was afraid he wouldn't be taken seriously.

Otherwise, he would be Joe King.

Anybody want to bet me that next year is going to be worse than this one?

I'm offering odds of 20 2 1.

I wouldn't believe anybody with scoliosis if I were you.

They're twisted people.

I don't know if anybody's done this before

the US tried to draft me
but Iran away.

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

I was at a bar last night, when a waitress screamed "Does anybody know CPR ?'

I said "Hell, I know the whole alphabet", everybody laughed. Well, except for this one guy.....

Why doesn’t Boba Fett work with anybody?

He hunts Solo.

Does anybody want to buy 500 sandwiches and 250 sausage rolls?

I misread the headlines and thought we were picnic buying.

For anybody who doesn't believe vaccines cause autism...

My Douglas was vaccinated and is now nearly five years old. He has still not learned to speak a single word, cannot dress himself and is not even able to use the toilet.

Don't let vaccines ruin your dog's life too.

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An old man is walking down the street when he hears a voice.

"Excuse me sir."

The old man looks around but doesn't see anybody. Perplexed, he continues on his way.

"Sir, down here."

The man stops and looks down, only to see a frog sitting at his feet. He looks around again to make sure nobody is watching before addressing the frog, "did ...

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The Difference Between Poetry and Prose

An English teacher was explaining the differences of poetry and prose to her class.

“Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”

“This is an example of poetry, but if I wanted to change it to prose I would say, ‘the l...

"Is anybody here named Jeff?"

Jeff: "Yes."

Geoff: "Yeos."

Mom sends a letter to to his son recently joined army:

Dear son,

I am proud that you enlist to serve our nation. But i wish you did plow the fields before leaving. I am too old to do it and we have no money to hire someone.

Love,

Mom



\>>>Our guy responds the letter immediately:



Dear mom,
...

Can anybody help me with a crossword clue?

Where they nailed Jesus (2 across)

Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant...

"I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?" He asked. "Where were you educated?"

"Yale," replied the young accountant.

"Such a grand university - what is your name?"

"Yim Yohansen" replied the accountant.

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Anybody hear about the doorknob?

He won the nobell prize award!

Does anybody know if making clothes for nuns is habit forming?

Asking for a friend.

Has anybody lost a large roll of 20 dollar bills in a rubber band?

Because we found the rubber band.

Does anybody know any jokes about salt?

Na

Freddie Mercury: Can anybody find me somebody to love?

**Freddie Saturn:** If you like it then you shoulda put a ring around it.

Teacher: "Does anybody have any food allergies"

Carl: "Pollen"



Teacher: "Well, you don't eat pollen, do you?"



Carl: "No ma'am, I'm allergic"

Can anybody tell me what actor is playing Forrest Gump?

T.Hanks

Anybody know how much Deer antlers cost?

I was told they're always 2 for a Buck.

Whatever you do, don't let anybody walk over you.

\- My friend when I attended the party dressed as a land mine.

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Snatch eating frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box, and it says: “Snatch Eating Frogs... $20 each (comes with instructions).”

She looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and ...

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar

They all begin discussing their own churches and synagogue. As the night goes on, they drink more and more, and the discussion starts to turn competitive. Each starts to boast about how eloquent they are, and how great they are at converting non believers. Eventually, the bartender gets sick of it. ...

Psychiatry class

Professor: "Today we'll learn about the stages of calm, irritability and fury." Then the Professor grabs the phone and dials a number:

- Hello, may I speak with William, please?

- There is no William here, you got the wrong number.

"This was the stage of calm", explains the prof...

I recently bought a ouija board the other day, I asked a question: “hello, is anybody there?” The reply I got was: “Y. O. U. U. U. U. U

Guess I accidentally bought a soulja board

People in town had noticed that a certain miser never invited anybody to dinner.

"I'll bet," said a prankster, "that I can get an invitation."

The wager was accepted, and our prankster went to see the rich man the next day, at a time when he knew that the miser would be at the table with his family.

He rang the bell, and told the servant who opened the door that h...

Does anybody know what a landing strip is?

I came across one yesterday.

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A woman couldn’t get a date and went to a doctor.

He couldn’t find anything wrong with her, so he sent her to another. She ended up going to several before one of them sent her to a Chinese doctor who was known to be able to diagnose anything.

When she went in, she explained that she was single, didn’t think she was too bad looking, but coul...

Does anybody know any good Groundhog Day jokes?

I feel like I keep hearing the same ones over and over again

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A nun comes to visit

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers, and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked...

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Did you know that Hitler never said sorry to anybody in his entire life?

He didn't speak English.

Anybody know where to buy camoflage condoms?

I don't want her to know when I'm coming.

Teacher asks students for their favourite stand up comedians

Students start naming their favourite comedians.

Then one kid says : Joe Biden.

Another kid follows with : Donald Trump.

Political debate starts. When the teacher finaly quiets down the class there is only the person who didn't say who their favourite is, is the quiet kid.
...

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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spen...

I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

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[nsfw] A monkey is walking through the jungle when he spies a sleeping lion...

The monkey says, "King of the jungle, eh? I bet I could fuck that lion right up the ass. That'd make ME king of the jungle!" So he lifts up the lion's tail and starts going to town.

The lion wakes up and roars, "WHAT THE HELL???" and starts chasing the monkey through the jungle. After about 2...

Why cant you call anybody while at the beach?

Because the shell service was so bad.

is it just me?

Anybody else getting really good at talking to yourself?

Has anybody posted any jokes about 4/20 yet?

I think it's high time

A Tough Mafioso Called Home

Maid answers: Hello?

Tough Mafioso: Put my wife on the phone.

Maid: Just a minute.

Maid comes back after a minute: I'm sorry but she's indisposed in the bathroom.

Tough Mafioso: I said put her on the phone. Now!

Maid stutters: She, she can't come to the phone right...

Why can't anybody win at a Frozen claw machine?

Because it will always let it go

Never trust anybody who has graph paper.

They're always plotting something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anybody here have sex while camping?

It's fucking intense.

Anybody know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't hear a vitamin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

Whenever anybody says they are trying to find a needle in a haystack, I cant help but wonder...

...who was shooting up in the barn?

My dad always said, "Don't trust anybody".

But I don't know if his advice is genuine.

Anybody a fan of college football?

I heard the Miami Hurricanes are looking strong this year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy runs into a bar in a panic. "Does anybody here own a six-foot penguin?"

Guy runs into a bar in a panic. "Does anybody here own a six-foot penguin?" he asks. Everybody shakes their heads no. "Well shit!" says the guy, "I think I just ran over a nun."

A Texan walks into an Irish bar...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's of...

A man walks into a bar

and sees a gorgeous woman, he walks up behind her and says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it goin'?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car...

Anybody heard about the bulletproof Irishman?

Rick 'o Shea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

IDK why some people find dung beetles repulsive. They build their own houses, they work for their food, they don't bother anybody

Seems to me like they really have their shit together

Four students decide to skip an exam

Four students were attending law college and were quite used to cheating and exploiting to get better grades. Their final exam was due tomorrow and they wanted to get some extra time to hopefully enhance their grades.

The plan was simple: don’t show up tomorrow, spend the whole day learning ...

Thinking about when the kids were young and I'd come home from work each day. The kids were always excited that Daddy was home, and naturally jumped up and down shouting, "DADDY'S HOME!!! DADDY'S HOME!!!"

Thinking about when the kids were young and I'd come home from work each day. The kids were always excited that Daddy was home, and naturally jumped up and down shouting, "DADDY'S HOME!!! DADDY'S HOME!!!"

I think every daddy has had that greeting. After all, anybody can be a father, but it t...

The Twelve Thank You Notes Of Christmas

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving,

Emily

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,...

I'm trying to learn English. They told me "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, but I'm still confused.

Can anybody please tell me why the widow got mad at me at the funeral?

How long does it take a vegan to finish a hamburger?

5 seconds depending on if anybody is watching the dog.

My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what ‟ternative” means?

A homeless guy is on the road...

A homeless guy is on the road, thinking how he is going to die if doesn't get shelter soon.

He saves a lot of money he got from begging to buy a specific thing, according to him, is going to help him survive.

Finally, he buys a blue cake with lines, and shows it to anybody who came clo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the jungle, there is a tree. In this tree lives a monkey, who races down and fucks anybody who happens to pass under it.

One day, the other animals get sick of it and go see the king of the jungle, the lion. They tell him about the monkey, so he agrees to go to the tree and talk to the monkey and put a stop to his actions. He reaches the tree and calls, - Monkey! Come down here, we need to talk. The monkey does not ...

Trying to remember the name of that 80's sitcom set in a bar in Boston

If anybody can help me out that would be great.



Cheers.

A man walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender lines them up and the man knocks them back one after the other. Then the man orders 4 more, again the bartender lines them up and the man knocks them back. The bartender says, "Gee, buddy I've never seen anybody drink like that."

The man replies, "Youd drink like that too if you had what I have." "Oh my god" buddy! What do you have?" The man winks and says... "fifty cents."

A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.

Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?

Why some of us might drink.....

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
" Hello ?"


Is your daddy home?" he asked
" Yes ,"
<...

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

Teacher asks students

\- "Did you ever save anybody's life?"

\- "I did." Steve raises his hand.

\- "Whose life did you save?"

\- "My nephew’s."

\- "How?"

\- "I hid my sister's birth control pills."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the therapist and says...

"Doctor, you got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up a man. She sleeps with anybody who asks her. I can't take this anymore!"
The therapist says: "Relax. Take a deep breath, sit down, and tell me exactly: where's Larry's bar?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anybody ever get paid to smuggle drugs in their butt?

... Cause it sounds like a dope ass job.

OMG! Is anybody a doctor on this plane?!

*BAM BAM!!! BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!!!*
...anyone else?!

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