UPJOKE
whosomebodyanyoneanythingsomeonesomethingnobodyyouno oneeverybodythatthosewhatwhatevernone

Anybody caught breaking the rule...

**Anybody caught breaking the rule will be fined.**

**On the first day of university the Dean is addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules.**

**“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory for the female students.**

...

Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?

It was about a weak back.

Hey, does anybody remember that famous multi-personality patient who was the subject of the book Sybil that came out in the '70s? well, I went to high school with her!

A lot of the other kids kind of avoided her, but I thought she was good people.

Yuri Gagarin returned from space and Khrushchev asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"

Yuri replied: "Yes."

"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."

Gagarin traveled to Rome and met the Pope, who asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"

Yuri replied: "No."

"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."

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A Father Walks into rsetaurant

**A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.**

**Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts**

**slapping him on the back. The ...

If anybody is here for the Yodelling Expo 2012

Please form an orderly, orderly, orderly queeeeeee-ue!!

Sand trap

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted ...

The story of how I met Mr Ache.

There once was a man, funnier than anybody else. People knew him as Mr Ache. Some would travel from far and wide to learn the art of telling a joke from this guy. He might just have been the funniest guy who ever lived.

One day, I decided I wanted to make a post on r/Jokes. I packed up my thi...

Why doesn't anybody eat the toast after they see an image of Jesus?

I bet it tastes divine!

If anybody wants any copies of Orthopedic Monthly...

I have back issues.

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

Does anybody have a scale I could borrow?

I just bought a bag of red hot chili peppers and I need to give it a weigh! Give it a weigh! Give it a weigh nowww!

Getting Alzheimer's is like being famous because you won't recognize anybody, but everybody will recognize you...

Plus, if there's just one positive from getting Alzheimer's... It's laughing at the brand new jokes in this subreddit all day, everyday!

An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him

“Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”.

The drunk looks at her and asks “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”.

The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk says “Have yo...

Follow the rules

A large corporation with expansive grounds interviewed a tribe of reformed cannibals for the outdoor maintenance positions. During the interview process, they were told, "You'll receive full benefits as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody, which would result in immediate dismissal and c...

The little scamp

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" the boss asked.
"Yes," whispe...

An old lady had to do a urine test.

However, she wasn’t feeling like going to the lab to hand in the vial with the urine. So she asked her grandson if he could do it for her.
However, her grandson accidentally dropped the vial and spilled his grandmother’s pee all over the ground. Luckily, he was with a friend at the time, who advi...

Anybody know who won the origami fight last night?

I couldn't find it anywhere on Paper-View

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

A teacher asks her students,"Can anybody spell before?"

Carey stands up and says, "Before. B -e- f -o- r.Before."

"No that is wrong.Sit down."say⁴s the teacher."

"Frankie, can you spell before?"

Frankie stands up and says, "Before.B - e- e- f -o-r.Before!"

"No, that's not right either.Tyrone, can you spell before?"

Tyro...

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What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'...

My wife and I have reached that difficult decision. We do not want children.

So, If anybody does, please just send me your contact details

and we can drop them off even tomorrow.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were in Rome.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were in Rome one day when the see a priest running around in panic. They approach him an asked what's wrong when he says "Mama Mia! It's a tha Pope! He's a dead!!" Then he goes quiet, still panicking with his finger on his lips saying "please, please don't a say ...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

A man is out ice fishing when he hears a voice say "You can't fish here!."

He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his fishing.

Again, out of nowhere the voice returns, more urgent this time, "You can't fish here!"

He again looks around and says, "God?"

"No, I'm the rink attendant. You can't fish here!"

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1.

Break their bones; they have 206.

I didn't tell anybody but I volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials for C-19 in Amsterdam

I received my first shot today and wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно

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I don't judge anybody for masturbating.

You do you.

If Jesus has his second-coming, there's no way he'll let anybody crucify him.

Nobody double-crosses Jesus

Anybody know someone that wants to buy letter openers, staplers, pens, and other office supplies?

Most of it is labeled with Capital Hill or U.S. Senate but it's all usable. Let me know! Thanks.

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

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Anybody could have predicted Hitler's rise to power.

After all, he dominated the Poles.

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What do you call a stupid religious person.

Holy shit.



(This isn't meant to offend anybody.)

Does anybody know how to charge their milk?

Mine is stuck at 1%

Why don't they just let anybody become a conductor?

It requires a lot of training

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NSFW: A cowboy, hard on his luck, walks into a bar and sits down at a stool.

He orders himself a shot, and the bartender passes one down. The cowboy looks behind the bartender and sees a big glass suitcase full of money and asks, "Hey, bartender! What's that big glass suitcase full of money right there?"

"Hell, that's for anybody that can do 3 things for me."

"...

A young jock enters a pharmacy to buy condoms

Knowing the pharmacists is an old-fashioned gentleman and noticing a slight frown on his face, the young man decides to have some fun at his expenses by asking for another pack, remarking "you know, my girlfriend truly sounded thirsty last time I talked to her... Better be sure we don't run out!"...

Your parents in 1996: "Don't trust ANYBODY on the internet!"

Your parents today: "Freedom Eagle dot facebook says Hillary invented AIDS."

Is anybody here a doctor?

- Yes, I am
- He’s having a heart attack!
- I’m a doctor on Spanish philology
- But he’s going to die
- Pero el va a morir

Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship?

I'm asking for a friend.

Any jokes you know the punch line to but not the set-up? I'll start. From the 1959 film Some Like it Hot:

"So the one-legged jockey says, 'don't mind me baby, I ride side-saddle!'"

I laugh every time even though I don't know the set-up. Anybody know the set-up, or any similar jokes?

Anybody here like solipsism?

.. Or is it just me?

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An asexual won't screw anybody.

However, an asexual lawyer will screw everyone.

Doctor: "Does anybody in your family suffer from mental illness?"

Me: "No... so far as I can tell, they seem to enjoy it."

Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

Thought knot.

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Late one night, a burglar broke in to a house...

As he was snooping around, looking for valuables, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you."

Scared, the burglar ducked behind a couch and frantically looked around. Not seeing anybody, he started snooping again. And again he heard the voice say "Jesus is watching you."

He ducked be...

Anybody here heard of Molecules?

He’s the smallest of the Greek heroes!

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Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?

He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.

So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventu...

A new brain cell is born in a man's skull

Scientists have long thought that the number of brain cells was fixed from childhood, but have now discovered that new brain cells can indeed appear even in adults.

So on this day, a new brain cell is born in a man's skull, and it finds itself in a gigantic dark and empty cave.

"\_ Is...

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Q: Does anybody know how many dead hookers it takes to change a lightbulb in a basement?

Because it’s definitely not six...

I stopped showering or changing my clothes, as a precaution against COVID-19.

If anybody gets within six feet of me, I know they must have lost their sense of smell.

My wife and I decided we don't want kids.

So if anybody wants one, just give us your address and we'll bring you one.

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In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

Anybody hear about that guy that worked in the calender factory?

He took 2 weeks off in March.

a professional pickup line

A guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting by herself at the bar. He sits next to her and, before he can say a word, she turns to him and says, "I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, for any reason." "What a coincidence," he replies. "I'm a lawyer, too."

A grey piece of tarmac rolls into a bar

He says "I'm the biggest and toughest piece of tarmac around, and I'll fight anybody in here."

The barman says "if you're so tough, go fight that red piece of tarmac over there."

The grey piece of tarmac looks over at the red piece of tarmac and says "I'm not fighting that guy, he's ...

A group of mountain climbers all contract Coronavirus, but are strangely unable to infect anybody else.

This is because scalars aren't vectors.

"Anybody here named Jeff?"

Jeff: "Yes"

Geoff: "Yeos"

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

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A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"


She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to f...

Don’t be afraid to cut anybody off.

-T-Mobile

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If you have sex with anybody at an Olive Garden, it's considered incest

Because when you're there, you're family.

Why doesn't anybody get offended by Irish jokes?

Because they are ALL TRUE!

I wouldn't believe anybody with scoliosis if I were you.

They're twisted people.

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An Australian guy with an alligator walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bar, sets the alligator on the counter and asks for a free drink. Bartender tells him "Sorry, we don't do free drinks here." Aussie says "What if I showed you a trick? " Bartender tells him "It will need to be a really cool trick if you want to earn a free drink."

So, the Au...

For anybody who doesn't believe vaccines cause autism...

My Douglas was vaccinated and is now nearly five years old. He has still not learned to speak a single word, cannot dress himself and is not even able to use the toilet.

Don't let vaccines ruin your dog's life too.

Does anybody know any jokes about salt?

Na

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After sitting for a few minutes, he hears a voice say, "nice tie." He looks around but doesn't see anybody near him and so he forgets about it.

Some time passes and he hears the same voice say, "nice shirt." This time he looks everywhere; behind him,...

I was at a bar last night, when a waitress screamed "Does anybody know CPR ?'

I said "Hell, I know the whole alphabet", everybody laughed. Well, except for this one guy.....

I don't know if anybody's done this before

the US tried to draft me
but Iran away.

Why doesn’t Boba Fett work with anybody?

He hunts Solo.

Do you want to go to heaven?

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

Anybody want to bet me that next year is going to be worse than this one?

I'm offering odds of 20 2 1.

Teacher: "Does anybody have any food allergies"

Carl: "Pollen"



Teacher: "Well, you don't eat pollen, do you?"



Carl: "No ma'am, I'm allergic"

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot,

and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Does anybody know which actor played Forrest Gump?

Thanks

I want Donald Trump to be my parole officer...

...he never lets anybody finish a sentence.

Can anybody help me with a crossword clue?

Where they nailed Jesus (2 across)

Does anybody want to buy 500 sandwiches and 250 sausage rolls?

I misread the headlines and thought we were picnic buying.

Anybody know how much Deer antlers cost?

I was told they're always 2 for a Buck.

I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

Does anybody know if making clothes for nuns is habit forming?

Asking for a friend.

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Anybody hear about the doorknob?

He won the nobell prize award!

Whatever you do, don't let anybody walk over you.

\- My friend when I attended the party dressed as a land mine.

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Animals built an outhouse

Forest animals decided, that they don't like stepping on crap every day, so they got together and built an outhouse.

Everything was great and forest floor was much cleaner after that. But one day, they found out, that window on the outhouse was broken. So they held a meeting, where they were ...

Middle school for me was like Charles Darwin…

Naturally, I wasn’t selected by anybody.

Freddie Mercury: Can anybody find me somebody to love?

**Freddie Saturn:** If you like it then you shoulda put a ring around it.

Does anybody know any good Groundhog Day jokes?

I feel like I keep hearing the same ones over and over again

Does anybody know what a landing strip is?

I came across one yesterday.

Never trust anybody who has graph paper.

They're always plotting something.

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An Irish Tale

The daughter of a poor Irish farmer had not been home for over five years. When she did return, her father cursed her heavily.

“Where have ye been all this while, lass? Why did ye run off and not write us, not even a line? Why? Can ye not understand the pains you've poor ol' mother through? A...

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spent...

Has anybody posted any jokes about 4/20 yet?

I think it's high time

A transport ship goes down....

A transport ship goes down in the middle of the Atlantic quickly enough that no distress signal get sent. After the ship had been overdue for a ten days, a rescue is dispatched. Five days after that, the come across an island and send men ashore. There, they find four women lounging in emergency ten...

I recently bought a ouija board the other day, I asked a question: “hello, is anybody there?” The reply I got was: “Y. O. U. U. U. U. U

Guess I accidentally bought a soulja board

Your body is a lot like your car

You shouldn't let just anybody put stuff in your trunk.

Anybody know where to buy camoflage condoms?

I don't want her to know when I'm coming.

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Anybody here have sex while camping?

It's fucking intense.

People in town had noticed that a certain miser never invited anybody to dinner.

"I'll bet," said a prankster, "that I can get an invitation."

The wager was accepted, and our prankster went to see the rich man the next day, at a time when he knew that the miser would be at the table with his family.

He rang the bell, and told the servant who opened the door that h...

So I think i found a new favorite Resturaunt:

I stopped by this place after work called "Sunny Hills" and I gotta say, it ain't that bad.

The menu seems to be all soft easily malleable food. But who doesn't love Custard?

The place is full of senior citizens with nary a person under 50 on site, well the waitresses seem to be arou...

Why cant you call anybody while at the beach?

Because the shell service was so bad.

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Did you know that Hitler never said sorry to anybody in his entire life?

He didn't speak English.

Whenever anybody says they are trying to find a needle in a haystack, I cant help but wonder...

...who was shooting up in the barn?

Anybody know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't hear a vitamin

A man was on his deathbed when his wife called the local priest to administer the last rites.

When the priest came, he started giving the man a sermon about the 'washing away of our sins. The priest man then told the dying man to denounce Satan. "Let the Devil know, that you hate him and his evil ways," the priest said.

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order to the ...

Anybody a fan of college football?

I heard the Miami Hurricanes are looking strong this year.

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Guy runs into a bar in a panic. "Does anybody here own a six-foot penguin?"

Guy runs into a bar in a panic. "Does anybody here own a six-foot penguin?" he asks. Everybody shakes their heads no. "Well shit!" says the guy, "I think I just ran over a nun."

My lawyer archibald jones will represent anybody...

He is never case sensitive.

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A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road when they saw some corn in a ditch just across the road.

The horse walked over to eat the corn.

Before he got to the corn, he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud.

So he tells the chicken "Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud.”

When the chicken gets to the f...

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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper..

But it wouldn't take shit from anybody

A man walks into a bar

and sees a gorgeous woman, he walks up behind her and says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it goin'?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car...

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

"What'll you have?” the bartender asks.

"Gin and tonic,” says the man.

The bartender obliges, and the man sits and enjoys his drink. As he unwinds and watches the football game on TV, he hears the door open. He casually glances behind him to see who's walking in and does a double take ...

My dad always said, "Don't trust anybody".

But I don't know if his advice is genuine.

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Anybody ever get paid to smuggle drugs in their butt?

... Cause it sounds like a dope ass job.

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A guy walks into a bar

He has his dog with him. It's an ugly little yellow dog. He sits down at the bar next to a Marine.

The Marine has his dog with him. It's a German Shepherd, and it bristles at the ugly little yellow dog.

The Marine says "Son, you need to get your ugly little yellow dog out of here, or m...

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

I want to open i pizza place called Original Pizza, so that way if anybody asks if we deliver...

yes, OP delivers.

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IDK why some people find dung beetles repulsive. They build their own houses, they work for their food, they don't bother anybody

Seems to me like they really have their shit together

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In the jungle, there is a tree. In this tree lives a monkey, who races down and fucks anybody who happens to pass under it.

One day, the other animals get sick of it and go see the king of the jungle, the lion. They tell him about the monkey, so he agrees to go to the tree and talk to the monkey and put a stop to his actions. He reaches the tree and calls, - Monkey! Come down here, we need to talk. The monkey does not ...

Anybody heard about the bulletproof Irishman?

Rick 'o Shea

Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around he...

OMG! Is anybody a doctor on this plane?!

*BAM BAM!!! BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!!!*
...anyone else?!

A man walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender lines them up and the man knocks them back one after the other. Then the man orders 4 more, again the bartender lines them up and the man knocks them back. The bartender says, "Gee, buddy I've never seen anybody drink like that."

The man replies, "Youd drink like that too if you had what I have." "Oh my god" buddy! What do you have?" The man winks and says... "fifty cents."

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My go-to joke whenever anybody asks me to tell them a joke...

A man walks into a pet shop and sees a beautiful parrot. He asks the shop owner about it, and the owner says "Ah, that's the Wikibird. Not only can it talk, but it knows a lot of useful information. You can ask it anything you want and it will respond."

The man decides to test out the Wikibir...

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