Two gold fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says...

...anybody know how to drive this thing?

A man walks into a bar

and sees a gorgeous woman, he walks up behind her and says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it goin'?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car...

Can anybody help me with a crossword clue?

Where they nailed Jesus (2 across)

People in town had noticed that a certain miser never invited anybody to dinner.

"I'll bet," said a prankster, "that I can get an invitation."

The wager was accepted, and our prankster went to see the rich man the next day, at a time when he knew that the miser would be at the table with his family.

He rang the bell, and told the servant who opened the door that h...

I wouldn't believe anybody with scoliosis if I were you.

They're twisted people.

Did anybody lose a wad of $100 dollar bills?

Because I found the rubber band.

I recently bought a ouija board the other day, I asked a question: “hello, is anybody there?” The reply I got was: “Y. O. U. U. U. U. U

Guess I accidentally bought a soulja board

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Did you know that Hitler never said sorry to anybody in his entire life?

He didn't speak English.

Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship?

I'm asking for a friend.

Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one.

Break their bone, they have 206.

For anybody who doesn't believe vaccines cause autism...

My Douglas was vaccinated and is now nearly five years old. He has still not learned to speak a single word, cannot dress himself and is not even able to use the toilet.

Don't let vaccines ruin your dog's life too.

Does anybody know what a landing strip is?

I came across one yesterday.

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Guys, can anybody explain to me why everybody is disap..............

5 years later

"pearing, wait, what the fuck?"

Anybody know how much Deer antlers cost?

I was told they're always 2 for a Buck.

Anybody heard about the kidnapping in Sydney, Australia ?

Yeah he woke up.

Whatever you do, don't let anybody walk over you.

\- My friend when I attended the party dressed as a land mine.

Does anybody know any good Groundhog Day jokes?

I feel like I keep hearing the same ones over and over again

Is there anybody named Jeff in here

Jeff: Yes

Geoff: Yeos

My dad always said, "Don't trust anybody".

But I don't know if his advice is genuine.

Teacher: "Does anybody have any food allergies"

Carl: "Pollen"



Teacher: "Well, you don't eat pollen, do you?"



Carl: "No ma'am, I'm allergic"

Does anybody know which actor played Forrest Gump?

Thanks

Anybody know where to buy camoflage condoms?

I don't want her to know when I'm coming.

Why cant you call anybody while at the beach?

Because the shell service was so bad.

Your parents in 1996: "Don't trust ANYBODY on the internet!"

Your parents today: "Freedom Eagle dot facebook says Hillary invented AIDS."

If anybody gets a message from me about tinned meat don't open it.

It's spam

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

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Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?

He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.

So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventu...

Why can't anybody win at a Frozen claw machine?

Because it will always let it go

Anybody heard about the bulletproof Irishman?

Rick 'o Shea

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

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IDK why some people find dung beetles repulsive. They build their own houses, they work for their food, they don't bother anybody

Seems to me like they really have their shit together

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

Anybody know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't hear a vitamin

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

A man walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender lines them up and the man knocks them back one after the other. Then the man orders 4 more, again the bartender lines them up and the man knocks them back. The bartender says, "Gee, buddy I've never seen anybody drink like that."

The man replies, "Youd drink like that too if you had what I have." "Oh my god" buddy! What do you have?" The man winks and says... "fifty cents."

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In the jungle, there is a tree. In this tree lives a monkey, who races down and fucks anybody who happens to pass under it.

One day, the other animals get sick of it and go see the king of the jungle, the lion. They tell him about the monkey, so he agrees to go to the tree and talk to the monkey and put a stop to his actions. He reaches the tree and calls, - Monkey! Come down here, we need to talk. The monkey does not ...

A Spanish physician renowned for his ability to cure anybody and everybody falls ill.

“It’s unfortunate, but I don’t think he’ll make it” says one of his patients, that was cured from an untreatable disease.

Everyone agrees, and proceeds to tell stories about how he was able to do anything.

“He cured me of my back pain” a woman says.

“...and he saved my son after...

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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long.

The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he un...

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. "Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up the...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.
Paddy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Whenever anybody says they are trying to find a needle in a haystack, I cant help but wonder...

...who was shooting up in the barn?

Has anybody posted any jokes about 4/20 yet?

I think it's high time

Anybody a fan of college football?

I heard the Miami Hurricanes are looking strong this year.

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My old dad used to say, “If you really want to do something, don’t listen to anybody else, just go ahead and do it”.

Great man, shit telephone operative at the Samaritans.

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My go-to joke whenever anybody asks me to tell them a joke...

A man walks into a pet shop and sees a beautiful parrot. He asks the shop owner about it, and the owner says "Ah, that's the Wikibird. Not only can it talk, but it knows a lot of useful information. You can ask it anything you want and it will respond."

The man decides to test out the Wikibir...

Does anybody know any jokes about salt?

Na

Did anybody see the article about the leopard whose fur was bleached solid white?

It was recently spotted

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, I haven't found anybody who fits.

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Anybody here have sex while camping?

It's fucking intense.

Would anybody like to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure

I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

Did anybody hear about the karate champion who joined the army?

It was a disaster!

The first time he tried to salute, he nearly killed himself

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Robin Hood goes out on another mission

Same old same old, steal from the rich, give to the poor.

On this particular run he decides to go to a new town and find the wealthiest man to rob.

Being that he didn’t know anybody, he asked a bum he met on the road who the richest man in town was.

After learning this, Robin Ho...

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Guy runs into a bar in a panic. "Does anybody here own a six-foot penguin?"

Guy runs into a bar in a panic. "Does anybody here own a six-foot penguin?" he asks. Everybody shakes their heads no. "Well shit!" says the guy, "I think I just ran over a nun."

Does anybody want to hang out and form a bond over our shared interests?

I'm asking for a friend.

There is a person who is seven times more likely to kill you than anybody else and that's you

Not if I kill him first

Never trust anybody who has graph paper.

They're always plotting something.

Why didn't anybody notice the bass clef?

Because it was low-key.

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Mas-tur-bate

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-...

A man enters a party and says "Is anybody here named Jeff?"

Jeff raised his hand and said "Yes."

Geoff raised his hand and said "Yeos."

"Welcome to Cheapskates Anonymous, would anybody like to start?"

"I'd like to say that I'm not a cheapskate. I'm just here for the free coffee."

A bible salesman won top sales award

But people are confused because he is famously known for being so timid that when he speaks, he stutters. So when the award was announced and the salesman is invited to the stage, everybody wants to hear what this man says.

After handshaking the announcer, the man hesitantly approach the micr...

Anybody see that movie about the dog who befriends a dolphin?

A Dog's Porpoise

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A guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar full of money sitting on the table.

Puzzled, he looks at the bartender before ordering a drink.

“Shit, is this the tip jar for today?”

The bartender, cleaning a glass, shakes his head before looking up at the man.

“No, that’s our prize money.”

“Prize money?” The man asked. “What competition did this bar com...

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Anybody ever get paid to smuggle drugs in their butt?

... Cause it sounds like a dope ass job.

OMG! Is anybody a doctor on this plane?!

*BAM BAM!!! BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!!!*
...anyone else?!

Can anybody help me figure out who hacked all those Yahoo accounts??

At least someone could remember my password.

There once was a man with no arms. [Long]

Despite this fact, when the town church was looking for a new bell toller, he went straight to the church. The pastor didn't believe the man when told he could do the job, but decided to humor him, saying "If you can ring the bell, the job is yours."

Excitedly, the man climbed the stairs to t...

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A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, And Nobody.

This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody'...

Does anybody know a rad trigonometry joke?

Please don't go off on a tangent.

Did anybody hear about the the peeping Tom who was caught?

He was beaten up so badly they sent him to the ICU.

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

I want to open i pizza place called Original Pizza, so that way if anybody asks if we deliver...

yes, OP delivers.

My wife and I made lists of people we're allowed to sleep with

She chose Ryan Gosling, and I chose the babysitter, and I *won*, and now she's mad at me.

 
 
 





Side note: I originally heard this joke on Dr. Katz, but cannot remember who the comedian was. Anybody happen to know? It's bugging me.

Does anybody know the name of that Godzilla Movie?

It's the one where another monster actually breaks one of Godzilla's legs.

I can't remember the name of the movie, but it has a huge cast.

I heard today was National Camouflage Day

But I don't see anybody else celebrating.

Hark work never killed anybody

But why take the risk.

There was once a homeless man in a small town

Everybody knew him, everybody liked him, he never bothered anybody, until one day someone saw him down by the beach catching an osprey and cooking it up, and they called the cops. The cops arrived as he was finishing his meal, telling him "ospreys are protected animals around here. Sorry, but we got...

Anybody taking bath in Milk..

"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."

SIXTY NINER anybody?

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she'...

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A doctor was presenting a lecture about sex

In a discussion about the frequency of sexual relations, he asked

-"Is there anybody here who has sexual intercourse only once per year?"

An old man jumped up and exclaimed

-"Me, me! I do!"

The doctor asked

-"OK, sir, but why are you so happy about it?"

-"It...

My grandfather served in WW2 during the liberation of France

One day I asked him “ Did you ever kill anybody?”.

He goes silent, looked me deep in the eyes and said “probably, I was the cook”

Anybody know some white people jokes?

I'm an avid racist and like to have plenty of denigrating jokes at the ready for any particular race. Sadly I know very few targeted at Caucasians, and the ones I do know make them look sorta good (rich, stable, part of ruling elite). Anybody know any jokes that poke fun at being white?

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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Anybody ever taken a Billy may's poop

everytime you think it's over it's like but wait there's more

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It's English class and a female teacher asks students to give her example of a sentence which contains "just in a case" in it.

The first student raises his hand and responds:

\- "There is no ongoing war, but we still keep the army, just in case"

\- "Excellent! Anybody else?" - asks the teacher.

\- "There is no fire but we still keep the fireman, just in case" - answers the other student.

Vova rai...

Anybody hear about those two car antennas that got married?

Supposedly the wedding was alright but the reception was great ;)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the butter maker not tell anybody his secret recipe?

He was afraid they'd spread it around.

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Teresa May dies...

Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. ...

Anybody heard the joke about the wall?

...Can't tell you anyway because you wouldn't get over it.

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"If you woke up with your pants at your ankles and your ass covered in vasoline, would you tell anybody?"

Guy #2: "No."

Guy #1: "Just wondering.... Wanna go camping?"

I tried starting two-legged chair business, but no one would invest.

I guess it just didn't sit well with anybody.

Anything can be comic and anything can be tragic -- that's my big point right there.

I don't think anybody in this room thinks it's funny when a child is decapitated by an airbag. But wouldn't it be a little bit funny if, for 15 minutes before that, the kid was going, 'Mommy, I want a balloon! Get me a balloon! Mommy, I want a balloon!'

KP Anderson

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Need a good PG rated joke for a class...anybody have one?

I've been scouring the posts on here but a lot of them are highly sexual/not appropriate.

Have to give a joke for my Toastmasters class. Ideas?

A fat lady walks into a bar.

She raise her arm showing off her hairy armpits and says “ Who wants to buy this nice lady a drink?” A drunk guy in the back says “I will, I’ll buy the ballerina a drink.”

This goes on a few more times. “ Who wants to buy this nice lady a drink?” “I will, I’ll buy the ballerina a drink.”
...

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a Male Hen

It was Passover and the priest had lost his Rooster and didn't know where to find it. So at the sermon on Good Friday he asked, "Has anybody got the cock?" All the men stood up. "No! no! I mean has anybody seen the cock?" All the women folk stood up. "No! no! I mean has anybody seen my cock?"
...

After long consideration, my wife and I have decided we do not want to have children.

If anybody here does want children, just leave your contact info and we'll drop them off tomorrow

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Anybody read the paper this morning

Person one: "Hey, did you read the news this morning?"
Person two: "No, why?"
Person one: "omg it was crazy, this famous actress stabbed her housekeeper like 50 times!"
Person two: "holy shit, what was her name?"
Person one: "uhh, it was like Reese something, umm Reese..."
Person two:...

Anybody know where I can get a Game of Thrones Valentine's day card?

It's for my sister.

Knock knock- who’s there- Will- Will who?

Will you please unlock the door so I can get in?

For anybody that may have read this, sorry for making you cringe.

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died....

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