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Everyday Jokes

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! Wha...

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

I bang my wife with a solid 9 inches everyday

3 inches in the morning

3 inches in the afternoon

3 inches in the evening



It adds up :)

A young boy deposit 100$ everyday in the bank...

One day the general manager noticed the young boy and asked the clerk about him. He then told him that the young boy comes everyday and deposit exactly $100 each time. So the manager told the clerk to send him the lil boy the next time he comes to the bank. The next day the boy comes in and he's sen...

I try to teach my mom something new everyday.

Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

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I have sex with my wife almost everyday!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

My son was chewing electrical wires everyday.

So I grounded him until he conducts himself properly.

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker .

**He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.**
**“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.**
**This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d...

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A couple has sex everyday

But one day the man has to go on a business trip and his wife says to him "how am I gonna get by without you" so the husband suggest that he and the wife go to an adult toy store to find something the wife could use but after going to all but one of the stores in town and they couldn't find anything...

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance ...

When our grandad was 65, we told him to run a mile everyday.

now he's 70, but we have no idea where he is.

When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord everyday to give me a bike.

But then I realised it doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

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Old Soviet jokes get more relevant everyday.

A few years into Kruschev's reign an old man was in line at the meat market. He waited, and waited, and after 3 hours just couldn't take it anymore. He started yelling "Goddammit! I fought for Lenin in the civil war, I fought for Stalin in World War II! And we're still stuck in this bullshit!"
...

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"Do one thing everyday that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Today, I will fuck a cactus.

I used to feed ducks everyday.

A big group of them, but there was always one that really stood out to me - he always had very rough feathers, always shaking with wide eyes and a chipped beak. Then one day I saw him huddled in a group with a couple other ducks that looked exactly the same, and they all had little packets of white ...

Everyday I keep telling myself: “Chris, you have to stop drinking, it’s becoming a serious problem ”

Thank god my names not Chris

I met a girl, very sweet, she said her name was Persephone. I said “that’s a wonderful name, you certainly don’t hear that everyday…..”.

She just said, ‘Actually, I do.’

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Jehovah's witnesses are always banging on my door everyday

Joke's on them, I'm never letting them out of my basement.

It seems like everyday I come across a new article about a cure for Alzheimer's

Turns out it's actually the same article.

I've been clean for 47 days now.

It's weird showering everyday but at least I have the heroin to get through it.

I’ve always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...

But no one ever drowns

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Two monkeys, one is lucky and the other is not...

Everyday they go to a banana farm and the lucky one climbs a tree and throws the bananas to the other one. And everyday, the farm owner gathers the farmers and catch the unlucky monkey and beat him.



One day, the unlucky monkey is fed up with the beating and tells the lucky monkey to w...

I’ve decided to dress as a different bread everyday next week

Roll on Monday

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What everyday object are you like?

So my kid had to pick an everyday object that she is like and explain why she is like that object to her class. She tells me that her friend N picks a rose because everyone is different but they are each pretty just like every girl she knows! Then eventually it's my daughter turn and she tells me sh...

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Pissed off God by not seeing everyday miracles.

There's an old joke...

There's a flood. A man is standing in knee deep water in his house. Another man in a canoe paddles by and says "Get in I'll row you to safety!"

The man says,"No thanks. I've prayed and God will save me".

The water gets to his chest. Another man in a bass b...

Everyday my 90 year old neighbour who has alzhiemers knocks on my door

Everyday my 90 year old neighbour who has alzhiemers knocks on my door and asks me if I've seen his wife .

And everyday I have to tell that 90 year old man his wife has been long dead .
You know I have thought of not answering the door I have even thought about moving.

But you know ...

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Same Lunch Everyday

A Mexican, Armenian, Korean, and Redneck are construction workers. Every day, there is a bell that sounds at 12:00 PM notifying the workers that it is their lunch break. The workers go on with their day and as soon as the bell rings, they grab their lunches and sit together to eat.


The ...

There were these three guys. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they noticed that their boss would leave work a little early.

So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they.

The first guy goes home and goes to bed so he can get an early start the next day.

The second guy goes home and cooks dinner.

The third guy goes ...

For me everyday is Cake day

And sometimes cake morning, and cake afternoon and cake evening.

I just like cake.

And pie.

So, for me everyday is also Pie day.

[NSFW] The village idiot wanted to get rich.

Everyday he would pray to the gods that he would win the lottery.

Every night, "God, please let me win the lottery!!!!"

This went on for years and years, until one day suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens open, god steps in front of him and slaps him across his ...

I’m tired of my wife beating me up everyday. I’ll show her…

I’m gonna wake up at 4am tomorrow.

What do depressed teenagers go through everyday?

Pain and Acne

You don't see that everyday.

A man was driving his ferrari down a country road when a farmer flagged him down and said that his tractor died in a field and needed a little help. The man agreed to help tow the farmer's tractor back to his farm. They agreed that the tractor's left blinker meant speed up and the right blinker mean...

(Classic Joke) A woman and her male neighbour each buy greenhouses…

They both decide to grow tomatoes and a few months later they meet up and talk about how they’re getting on.

The man says his are big and red, but the woman says hers are still green and asks the man his secret.

‘Everyday I go in the greenhouse naked. The tomatoes are so embarrassed ...

My grandmother ate spaghetti everyday

Until she pasta-way

I beat my wife everyday

Sometimes she screams so loud that I'm worried the neighbors would hear us. She constantly cries, begging me to stop. I know it’s not a nice thing to do. I just get so much satisfaction from her suffering. But tell me, should I just let her win a game of Super Smash Bros for once?

Everyday biology pun

What do you get when you mix picture day with writing a biology essay?



photos-and-thesis

Doctor: You need to take this pills everyday for the rest of your life

Him : But there's only 3 pills doctor

Doctor : Exactly

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Three friends bragged about who has more sex...

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night.

Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"

Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist docto...

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

Fifty Shades of Grey is an everyday occurrence for me.

After all, I'm a dog.

Someone asked me what I gained by going on Reddit everyday.

I replied, "Weight."

What do Trigonometry teachers smoke everyday?

Widths.

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

Didn't Snoop Dogg change his name?

Or was Snoop Lyin'?

Edit: Just in case the king sees this, I got mad respect for you Dogg. Smoke weed everyday.

(His grandmother passed away recently, I'm just trying to be nice people.)

My personal trainer told me to drink a protein shake everyday at 3 in the morning.

But that's whey past my bedtime.

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(NSFW) I give my GF an orgasm everyday.

And sometimes she spits it back out.

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I'm sick of being surrounded by assholes everyday

I should stop practicing proctology.

Everyday my wife is complaining about something,

Last week I came home from a hard day at work, only to be awaited by my wife who was ready to spit some complaints at me. The stairs are almost falling apart, go fix it! she says. Do I look like a handyman I say. She storms angry out of the room.

The next day I get home from work again to be ...

Everyday someone mysteriously adds more dirt on top of my garden

The plot thickens

Having trouble remembering something? Just post it to r/Jokes!

Then you'll see it reposted everyday.

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Translated this joke from my native language...

A guy say (Billy) who had very small penis, came to know about a guy. who knew a word, which upon saying penis grows by some inches.



Billy went there, that guy sat on a hill, and to climb that hill, there was a rope. So Billy started climbing that hill, upon climbing, the man asked B...

Once lived a man with his mother, who dreamt of buying a car everyday.

But those were hard times. Money was scarce. Jobs weren't easy to get. So, he applied to work as a worker in a dairy factory, coz who doesn't want to have milk, but soon realised with his monthly wages, it'll take him 10 years to save enough money for the car.

Next, he applied in a newspaper ...

Everyday is humpday

If you have scoliosis

Morning habits: everyday I have to pee at 6am

Then I wake up and get ready for work

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This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn everyday.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

A mother has two babies, and she breastfeed them everyday

During breastfeeding, each baby would suckle on one of her nipples.

One day, one of the baby came up with a scheme to murder his brother, thinking that he would get more milk to himself that way. So, he secretly applied poison to the his brother's "nipple".

Little did he know, his br...

My doctor told me to drink less, sleep more, eat healthy & exercise everyday. So today I'm making a big change in my life.

I'm no longer going to that doctor.

A doctor and an engineer fell in love with the same girl. The doctor would bring her expensive gifts everyday, but the engineer only gave her an apple everyday, WHY?

Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away...

What do a Nobel prize winner and an everyday farmer have in common?

Both are outstanding in their field

My son is starting to use reddit more and more everyday...

I think I passed him something heREDDITary ...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.

"$3", says the bartender.

The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.

This happened for 3-4 days an...

My brother told me this yesterday: "I take a BMW back from school everyday"

"Huh?"

"Well, first I take the **bus** , then I take the **MRT** and finally I walk"

^(Not sure if y'all find this funny just wanted to share :>)

I wake up at 6AM everyday

In someone else's time zone

Don't be mad about the police. They risk their life everyday, going out

On another note, so does everyone in the USA.

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So I was having sex with this woman...

I had her bent over her kitchen table, giving it to her good. When all of a sudden we heard a car door slam out front.

“Oh god,” she said, “it’s my husband. Quick, use the back door!”

Well, I probably should have left at that point, but it’s not an offer you get everyday...

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I get free food, a bunk bed, I get a lot of exercise and sex everyday. What's not to like, right? Well....

I can't wait to get out of prison.

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I have a friend who has sex three or four times a week, exercises for an hour everyday, reads several books a week, and his "wife" does whatever he tells her to...

... and all he does is complain about prison

I asked a nun why she wore the same costume everyday.

She said, "It's a habit."

Sorry

I tell myself everyday that I should stop doing drugs.

But I’m not listening to a weirdo who is high all the time and talks to himself.

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My friend brags he shits 10kg of poo everyday.

Load of crap.

TIL there are over 20,000 battered women in the U.S. everyday...

I don't know if I can ever go back to eating them plain...

I decided to quit drinking everyday.

Instead, I'll drink every night.

Everyday I spend with my husband feels like I've won the lottery

Because I married for money

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Two widows go to the cemetery everyday...

... One of them spends all her time crying by the grave of her late husband. The other one just stands on the gravestone of her respective husband and urinates all over it.
So, the first one found the behaviour of the second one weird, went to her and asked:
"Did you hate him that much that y...

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My friend asked me if it’s ok to use everyday objects for sexual stimulation.

He’s sitting on the fence.

I heard Joe Biden was gonna get the same intelligence briefing Trump gets everyday for the first time tomorrow.

Does the coloring book come with crayons?

You better brush your teeth everyday...

Oral-B very mad!

After waking up with a hangover everyday for a month, I've decided to make a life changing decision

I'm going to drink more water before bed

Once heard someone say "Dress like everyday when you go out in public you might meet the women of your dreams". I try and do this everyday.

My wife hates it.

What do you call a lizard that reposts old jokes everyday?

Karmachameleon.

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My biggest pet peeve is the unnecessary politicisation of everyday conversation

People who do that are fucking Nazis

Everyday I say to myself: Jack you need to stop drinking.

Luckily my name is not jack.

“Why do you practice basketball everyday, son?”

“Why do you practice basketball everyday, son?” the Father Nebula asked his son, Little Nebula, when he saw him dribbling a ball.

“Because I want to be a superstar someday, Dad,” Little Nebula replied.

“Im proud of you, son.” Father Nebula hugged his child.

An oilfield worker drives past the same farm everyday and always notices this pig with 3 legs.

One day he finally decides to stop by the farm and ask the farmer what’s going on with that pig.

“Well,” the farmer says, “my house was burning down one day and my poor old dog was trapped in there. Full on flames and smoke and that pig ran in and saved my dog.”

“Did his leg burn off?...

Imagine if your fridge did what you do to it everyday-

Every half hour it goes to your room opens the door, and stares at you for 5 minutes then leaves.

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Half of men in America watch porn everyday.

The other half are waiting for Comcast to fix their internet connection.

Everyday at breakfast, I announce that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It was my longest running joke of the year.

so this guy walks to work everyday

and for years he walks past this pet store.
when he first got the job there was a baby gorilla in the window
now after years of walking by there's a full grown gorilla in the window of this pet shop.
the guy feels bad one day and he decides he to buy it.
he comes home and his wife is lik...

How does Trump like to commute to work everyday?

By taking the fascist way possible.

Somebody told me to "live everyday like it's your last".

So, I decided I'd stay in bed with life support and act as if I'm in comatose state from now on.

I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food...

We should definitely make America grate again.

What game do Africans play everyday?

THE HUNGER GAMES

(I'M GOING TO HELL)

Women call me everyday because of this one thing.

It’s called a taxi

I used to smoke marijuana everyday but recently I had to quit and take a break because my friends we're telling me that I was getting WAY too paranoid.

Well, I mean, they weren't telling me, but I Know they were thinking it.

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Everyday a man named Jack would chew and swallow three whole packs of bubble gum.

Finally his concerned coworkers asked, "Jack, whats the deal with chewing and swallowing all this bubble gum?"

Jack responded by saying, "I don't know... It just helps me keep my shit together."

The most important thing I learned in school is how to use math in my everyday life.

Damn, I meant to say meth, damn drugs been messing with my brain

My dad used to hit me everyday with a camera

I still get flashbacks.

A man is going across the border with different bicycles everyday with bags of sand on the handle bars

The border patrol searches methodically and carefully everyday in the sand and they are never able to find anything. An agent retired 7 years later meets the man in a cafe while they’re both getting a coffee. The man asked if he could buy the drink but a question would have to be answered. The man ...

A man comes in a bar everyday for a couple of weeks, orders 2 shots of whiskey and leaves...

One day the barkeeper asked him why he never wants to drink something else? The man replied: „My best friend moved to australia a couple of weeks ago and we both decided to go to a bar everyday and drink 2 shots of whiskey so it‘s like we’re drinking them together.“ The barkeeper was amazed and said...

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Everyday a doctor walks into a bar to chat and drink with the bartender named Dick.

Every time the doctor enters he gets an almond daiquiri. One day dick ran out of almonds and used hickory.

Doctor: Is this an almond daiquiri Dick?

Dick: No, it's a hickory daiquiri Doc.

"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues" the surgeon said

The patient replies "But my name isn't Steve"

Nervously, the surgeon replies "But my name is"

I’ve been solving derivatives everyday, for a week and I haven’t been able to do more than 20 a day.

I guess that’s my limit.

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Everyday Mom would take her 7 year Old Daughter for a drive in her car.

One day Mom was busy so Dad took the little girl for a drive.

Later Mom asked how was a drive with Dad?

Daughter: It was very strange. In the entire drive we did not see a single:

Idiot,
Nonsense,
Hell,
Bastard.

We Just Saw:

Hot,
Damn,
Wow,
Foxy...

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