I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

I beat my wife everyday

Sometimes she screams so loud that I'm worried the neighbors would hear us. She constantly cries, begging me to stop. I know it’s not a nice thing to do. I just get so much satisfaction from her suffering. But tell me, should I just let her win a game of Super Smash Bros for once?

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

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I have sex with my wife almost everyday!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

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I've woken up everyday, opened the curtains to find a German shepherd taking a shit on my lawn..

And this morning the cheeky bastard brought his dog with him.

A man comes in a bar everyday for a couple of weeks, orders 2 shots of whiskey and leaves...

One day the barkeeper asked him why he never wants to drink something else? The man replied: „My best friend moved to australia a couple of weeks ago and we both decided to go to a bar everyday and drink 2 shots of whiskey so it‘s like we’re drinking them together.“ The barkeeper was amazed and said...

10 or more girls asks me out everyday.

I go to the ladies toilet.

Everyday I meet people who treat me like a god

They talk to me when they need something, otherwise its like I dont exist.

If everyday was a gift

I’d like to know where I could return Mondays

Everyday my wife gets mad at me for no reason when I wake up. Tonight I’m going to change this.

“Why are you on my side of the bed?!” She said

“We are switching places tonight.” I replied

“Why?!”

“Because every morning you seem to wake up on the wrong side of the bed.”

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Everyday Mom would take her 7 year Old Daughter for a drive in her car.

One day Mom was busy so Dad took the little girl for a drive.

Later Mom asked how was a drive with Dad?

Daughter: It was very strange. In the entire drive we did not see a single:

Idiot,
Nonsense,
Hell,
Bastard.

We Just Saw:

Hot,
Damn,
Wow,
Foxy...

What country's Capital has the fastest growing population in the world?

Ireland. Everyday it's Dublin.

A bus driver in 1955 Alabama everyday hears his passenger complainging. Whites complain there are too many black seats in the back, Blacks complain there are too many white seats in the front.

So one day, the bus driver is fed up with it. He stands up and angrily shouts to his passengers :

\- Now that's enough ! Enough with that constant bickering about white, about black ! From now on, there is no more black or white ! There's only blue ! You're ALL blue ! Understood ?

The ...

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First thing I do everyday is take a shit,

And then I get out of bed.

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Everyday a man named Jack would chew and swallow three whole packs of bubble gum.

Finally his concerned coworkers asked, "Jack, whats the deal with chewing and swallowing all this bubble gum?"

Jack responded by saying, "I don't know... It just helps me keep my shit together."

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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance ...

I’ve always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...

But no one ever drowns

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

Everyday someone mysteriously adds more dirt on top of my garden

The plot thickens

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My biggest pet peeve is the unnecessary politicisation of everyday conversation

People who do that are fucking Nazis

A young boy deposit 100$ everyday in the bank...

One day the general manager noticed the young boy and asked the clerk about him. He then told him that the young boy comes everyday and deposit exactly $100 each time. So the manager told the clerk to send him the lil boy the next time he comes to the bank. The next day the boy comes in and he's sen...

What does a busy police officer in Ukraine say everyday?

Theres been a crimea

I tell myself everyday that I should stop doing drugs.

But I’m not listening to a weirdo who is high all the time and talks to himself.

Doctor: You need to take this pills everyday for the rest of your life

Him : But there's only 3 pills doctor

Doctor : Exactly

I asked a nun why she wore the same costume everyday.

She said, "It's a habit."

Sorry

I try to teach my mom something new everyday.

Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

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They have finally found a drug free cure for erectile dysfunction! It's something men can eat everyday. Have you heard what it is?

Pussy

It's not everyday you can get a haircut and a hand job at the same time.

Then again, not everyone cuts their own hair.

They say dress everyday like you might meet the love of your life...

Now I know why it takes my wife so long to get ready.

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There was this Wal-Mart greeter ...and everyday he was cheerful, happily greeting customers with a "Welcome to Walmart; I hope your day is wonderful!" or an "Enjoy your shopping!"

One day a loud, boisterous, unkempt woman comes in with her two children, who are running around and causing havoc as she yells at them. The old man greets her in his usual cordial manner, and she snaps back a rude reply to him.

Smiling, the old man looks at the lady and says, "What wonderful...

I treat everyday like I'm running a marathon tomorrow...

I rest, don't run and load up on carbs.

What do you call a lizard that reposts old jokes everyday?

Karmachameleon.

My personal trainer told me to drink a protein shake everyday at 3 in the morning.

But that's whey past my bedtime.

A doctor and an engineer fell in love with the same girl. The doctor would bring her expensive gifts everyday, but the engineer only gave her an apple everyday, WHY?

Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away...

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"Do one thing everyday that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Today, I will fuck a cactus.

Goose that gave golden eggs

A hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught. He met a scammer from another village on the way. The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter. Scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg everyday and now hunter must compensate him for his...

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Jehovah's witnesses are always banging on my door everyday

Joke's on them, I'm never letting them out of my basement.

When our grandad was 65, we told him to run a mile everyday.

Now he’s 70, but we have no idea where he is

There's a woman named Jean who works in my lab and everyday she comes in stinking of body odor.

I don't really speak to her much and rarely say hello, usually if I pass her in the hallway I just say "Hi Jean"

Everyday I say to myself: Jack you need to stop drinking.

Luckily my name is not jack.

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When I was a kid, my mom always used to tell me to put a clean pair of socks on, everyday...

By the time Saturday rolled around, I could hardly even fit in my shoes...

You don't see that everyday.

A man was driving his ferrari down a country road when a farmer flagged him down and said that his tractor died in a field and needed a little help. The man agreed to help tow the farmer's tractor back to his farm. They agreed that the tractor's left blinker meant speed up and the right blinker mean...

I wake up at 6AM everyday

In someone else's time zone

My son is starting to use reddit more and more everyday...

I think I passed him something heREDDITary ...

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Doctor, I have been pooping everyday at 9 o'clock.

-And what's the problem with that?

-I only wake up at 10.

A jealous woman, while on a road trip with her friends, would call her husband everyday to check on him.

Her: Where are you?

Him: At home hun.

Her: Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me so I know you are home?

Him: Sure Hun .

Whirrrrrrrrrr


Him: There you go.

Her: Ok. Talk to you later...


This went on for a few days. She wou...

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My ex was the best. She’d give me amazing blowjobs everyday and she was always willing to clean the house for me.

I miss that vacuum cleaner.

Everyday I feel like a million dollars

In debt

The clock hits 9:11 twice everyday

One for each tower

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Everyday a doctor walks into a bar to chat and drink with the bartender named Dick.

Every time the doctor enters he gets an almond daiquiri. One day dick ran out of almonds and used hickory.

Doctor: Is this an almond daiquiri Dick?

Dick: No, it's a hickory daiquiri Doc.

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Two widows go to the cemetery everyday...

... One of them spends all her time crying by the grave of her late husband. The other one just stands on the gravestone of her respective husband and urinates all over it.
So, the first one found the behaviour of the second one weird, went to her and asked:
"Did you hate him that much that y...

I decided to quit drinking everyday.

Instead, I'll drink every night.

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A boy sees his father smoking everyday (NSFW)

and one day ask for a puff, his father replied you can have one once your penis can touch your asshole. the boy went away.
days later after seeing his father drink beer, asked for a sip, his father said the same thing. the boy went away again.
years later he confronted his father asking a cig...

Women call me everyday because of this one thing.

It’s called a taxi

How does Trump like to commute to work everyday?

By taking the fascist way possible.

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Same Lunch Everyday

A Mexican, Armenian, Korean, and Redneck are construction workers. Every day, there is a bell that sounds at 12:00 PM notifying the workers that it is their lunch break. The workers go on with their day and as soon as the bell rings, they grab their lunches and sit together to eat.

The Mexica...

I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food...

We should definitely make America grate again.

Everyday my wife is complaining about something,

Last week I came home from a hard day at work, only to be awaited by my wife who was ready to spit some complaints at me. The stairs are almost falling apart, go fix it! she says. Do I look like a handyman I say. She storms angry out of the room.

The next day I get home from work again to be ...

Everyday at 2pm most workers at a factory stopped working and went drinking at a bar.

Finally Billy asked what's going on? They told him everyday at 1:45 the boss leaves and comes back at 4:45, so the workers take advantage and have some fun at the bar, they comeback before the boss does, he never finds out about it. The next day like clockwork 1:45 the boss leaves and 2pm the worker...

Somebody told me to "live everyday like it's your last".

So, I decided I'd stay in bed with life support and act as if I'm in comatose state from now on.

My dad used to hit me everyday with a camera

I still get flashbacks.

“Why do you practice basketball everyday, son?”

“Why do you practice basketball everyday, son?” the Father Nebula asked his son, Little Nebula, when he saw him dribbling a ball.

“Because I want to be a superstar someday, Dad,” Little Nebula replied.

“Im proud of you, son.” Father Nebula hugged his child.

Once heard someone say "Dress like everyday when you go out in public you might meet the women of your dreams". I try and do this everyday.

My wife hates it.

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A very jealous husband would call his wife from work everyday " where are you ?"

And everyday she would respond "I'm at home honey"..................
" oh yeah ? Well turn on the blender , I wanna hear it"............................. And she would turn on the blender, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm. ............. This would go on day after day . One day he decides to leave early from ...

I pray to my socks everyday

They are considered very holy

There once was a man who was only a head. Everyday he wished for a body until one day his dream came true. He was so happy he ran from his house and got hit by a bus and died. What's the moral of the story?

Quit while you're a head

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Half of men in America watch porn everyday.

The other half are waiting for Comcast to fix their internet connection.

I've challenged the sun to a blinking contest everyday of my life

Today was the first day I've won

three construction workers eat lunch together on the roof everyday, an irishman, and italian, and a pollack.

so the the irishman opens his lunch and its corned beef hash, and he exclaims "I swear to god everyday i eat this corned beef I'm sick of it! if my wife makes it for me again i'm going to jump off this roof!" then the Italian guy opens his lunch "Prosciutto and mozzarella again! next time my wife ma...

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What does a stripper do with her asshole everyday before work?

Drops him off at band practice

More girls chase after me everyday than Leonardo, Channing Tatum and Ronaldo combined

-Bus driver

You better brush your teeth everyday...

Oral-B very mad!

With a wheelchair, everyday is Halloween!

Children are scared of you, adults try to guess what you are, and the elderly just give you candy!


Paraphrased from the wonderful Zach Anner

Imagine if your fridge did what you do to it everyday-

Every half hour it goes to your room opens the door, and stares at you for 5 minutes then leaves.

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Three friends bragged about who has more sex...

Friend A said “You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women”

Friend B said “Oh yeah? Well I’m the top gynecologist doctor at the most hig...

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One day left.

My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son, an...

I'm very good to my wife, everyday I'll run the hot water and put the bubbles in for her

...just to make doing the dishes that bit easier.

What game do Africans play everyday?

THE HUNGER GAMES

(I'M GOING TO HELL)

Why does the Dalai Lama go to the bookies everyday?

Because he likes Tibet.

Did you hear about the guy who drunk brake fluid everyday?

He's ok he can stop whenever he wants.

This lady stalks me everyday from work to my home, and i'm beginning to like her

People say its just stalk-home syndrome

Why did the stoner admire himself in the mirror everyday?

Because he has a high opinion of himself

My grandmother used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition coz we might be in their position one day.

So I started to laugh at Jeff Bezos everyday.

Excuse me, miss. I'm sure you hear this everyday but...

... do you know where the nearest McDonald's is?

so this guy walks to work everyday

and for years he walks past this pet store.
when he first got the job there was a baby gorilla in the window
now after years of walking by there's a full grown gorilla in the window of this pet shop.
the guy feels bad one day and he decides he to buy it.
he comes home and his wife is lik...

Everyday is a good day to walk through the forest,

The fact that im dragging a dead body is completely irrelevant

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One day a man hears a voice in his head.

Sell your car, sell your house cash in your investments, go to Vegas put it all on red 20.
Sell your car, sell your house cash in your investments, go to Vegas put it all on red 20.
He tries to ignore it but but every minute of everyday he hears it, Sell your car, sell your house cash in your ...

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Skipping Grade School

A man in his mid-40’s was walking down the street on a school day and noticed a young boy, about 9 yrs old, sitting on a porch eating a huge bag of candy.

Concerned that boy was alone, out of school, and gorging himself on candy, the man approached an asked “Shouldn’t you be in school instea...

I have a lift off a colleague to work everyday, and always feel ill when we go under bridges....

I think I must have carpool tunnel syndrome.

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The Swede with 2 assholes

A Swede and 2 Norwegians live in Austrailia and takes an after-work-beer everyday.
One day one of the Norwegians says:

Norwegian 1: Did you know Swedes have 2 assholes?!

Norwegian 2: No

Norwegian 1: They have! The bartender always says ”here comes the Swede with 2 assholes”

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