When I was visiting France, my French friends kept insisting I stay up every night and do drugs.

I was under a lot of Pierre pressure.

I used to do drugs...

I mean, I still do, but I used to too.

Credit: Hitch Medberg

I've decided not to do drugs any more.

I mean I'm not doing them any less, but it's something.

I used to do drugs

I still do, but I used to too.


[R.I.P Mitch, writer of my favorite jokes.]

Why don’t Balloons do drugs?

Because they are afraid that the will get high and get busted

I wanted to make a joke about people that do drugs

But that’s where I draw the line

I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom

Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do drugs get into our prisons?

They’re probably smuggled in by some asshole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Teenage Boys Were Arrested For Doing Drugs

When they went to court, the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month.

Th...

Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?

Atmospheric Pressure.

How come balloons don't do drugs?

Because they're afraid of getting high and getting busted

PS: Heard in a TV show and wanted to share the laughter to everyone in here.

My friend Pierre tried to convince me to do drugs with him.

It was really hard, but I managed to resist Pierre pressure.

Why don't ducks do drugs?

Because they know quack kills.

Why do deep sea fish do drugs?

Because the pressure is too high.

Why don't optometrists do drugs?

They're always contact high.

We always teach people not to do drugs because they ruin your life.

Yet we celebrate marriage.

What does a power ranger say before they do drugs?

It's morphine time!

Don't do drugs

Without me

Why do drugs for small dogs have to be tested on larger ones first?

All canine drugs must be lab tested before their public release.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sick

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday, he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watching a presidential debate with a friend.

Republican: I am going to smoke crack and burn down all the houses in your hometown.

Democrat: I will also burn down all the houses in that same town, but I will smoking meth, not crack.

Third party rep: I don’t do drugs and disavow arson.

Me to my friend: “I think I’m going to ...

A traffic cop pulls over a guy for speeding.

As he approaches the car dorr he asks the driver for his license and the cars papers. The driver awnsers: i dont got a license and the car is stolen.
The cop was baffled and uttered: are you serious?! The driver awnsers: i'm always serious after a few lines of blow up my nose dude...
The cop:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell

The man is greeted by a demon when he arrives. He asks “where’s all the fire and brimstone and Torture devices?”

“Oh no no no, that’s all just mythology! We don’t do any of that down here in Hell! Let me walk you through the schedule. Do you like to eat?”

“Yeah! I love a good meal!” S...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man would like to live 150 years

He goes to the doctor and asks if it may be possible:

The doctor asks : « Do you drink alcohol? 
- Not at all.
- Do you do drugs ?
- Never ever!
- Do you have numerous sexual partners?
- No. »

The doctor then looks the man deep in the eye and asks: « then why the hell do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rabbit is running through the forest

He finds giraffe about to smoke a joint. He says,
“Giraffe, don’t do drugs! Come run through the forest with me!”
Giraffe throws away his weed and follows rabbit running through the forest. They come across lion about to do a rail of cocaine. Rabbit says,
“Lion, don’t do drugs! Come run thr...

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