What kind of drugs do birds do?

Crowcaine

What do you call a duck with a drug problem?

A quack head

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once…

I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

What is the difference between the Government and the Drug cartel?

The cartels don't force you to take the drugs....I'll see myself out

What does a drug dealer says at the end of the year?

Merry cryst meth!

A guy walks into a small family drug store...

... to buy some condoms. The lady behind the counter asks what size he wants, and the guy gets uptight and blushes, and stammers that he never knew that they came in sizes, and he doesn't know what his size is.
The lady tells him not to worry, there's a big old hogshead wine barrel out back with...

Which drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Medusa is the best drug dealer

One look and I'm stoned

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Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use the...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

Mitch Hedberg died of a drug overdose...

Which means the drugs came from Mexico. Otherwise, he would've over-two'd.

My grandfathers favorite joke: what’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

The drug dealer can’t wash the crack and resell it

A man asked his friend," what do you call a dictionary on drugs? "

His friend replied," If it is addictionary I swear to God I am going to kill you."

The man replied," I was going to say ' high definition ' but yours is better.

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Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the viagra from the pharmacy.

The police are looking for two hardened criminals.

Knew a drug dealer who was a Satanist

He used to sell me penta grams.

I once walked by a poster that said "Say no to drugs!"

I'm pretty sure if you're talking to drugs you already said yes, but that's not really my problem

I was asked " why did you marry a drug dealer"

Because my parents told me to marry someone with substance.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

If James T. Kirk ran a drug business from his ship...

Would it be a criminal Enterprise?

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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra

The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."


The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years ...

As a scientist, I received a lot of praise for figuring out a new method of getting drugs to enter cells more effectively and efficiently.

As a prisoner, I received another 2 years on my sentence.

When I was visiting France, my French friends kept insisting I stay up every night and do drugs.

I was under a lot of Pierre pressure.

What kind of drug would a polar bear sell?

Coke.

What do Kim Kardashian and drug smugglers have in common?

False bottoms

I quit using drugs for good!

Now I use them for evil.

What did the drug addicted power rangers say to each other?

“It’s morphine time!”

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition.

People who say that ketamine is the best drug...

Need to get off their high horse

What is it called when a group of drug addicts overthrow the government?

A high coup

I said to my wife “You are my drug”

She said: “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”

I replied: “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”

I have no problem with drugs but

Cocaine is where I draw the line

I’ve been having a lot of difficulty sleeping recently, but I’ve started taking an absolute wonder drug…

It’s called MDMA, I still don’t sleep but now I feel great about it!

A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting

The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"

The addict responds. "Okay, I-"

The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"

"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."

All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."...

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Not to brag, but I did a lot of experiments with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

A former drug dealer goes to the local church to confess his sins.

„Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.“ says the man. „I have made a huge amount of money in my loge and have become very rich while doing wrong to many many others. Can the good Lord forgive me and give me another chance?“

The priest hears his confession, thinks a bit and then answers from t...

I read today in the local newspaper that a barber in the city was arrested for drug trafficking

I was his client for a long time but I didn't know he was a barber

I asked the Invisible Man why he took that experimental drug.

He started: "Just to be clear..."

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

I've got a secret to reveal, guys. I don't think I can be a drug smuggler any longer.

I've kept it inside for so long.

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I found a drug that helps me sleep when I have a sunburn

It’s called viagra. It doesn’t help with the burn, but it keeps the sheets off my legs

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

What do you call a fat drug addict?

Chunky junkie!

My drug-selling friend got in a car crash and lost an arm, so now he only has use of one hand.

He's slowly dealing with it.

Two ex-cons talk to each other. The younger one says: "I was in for drugs. What did you do?"

The older man answers: "I was jailed for something I didn't do."

The young guy, intrigued, asks: "What was that? Did they set you up?"

The older shrugs: "Nah, I just didn't run fast enough."

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

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A teacher teaches class on drug abuse

He walks into the classroom, draws a big circle and a small circle on the blackboard and asks: “What are these?”

As nobody answers, he says:” The big circle is your eye pupil, when you’re clean, and the small circle is your eye pupil, when you’re high! If the police see this, they put you in ...

Homeless guy asked if I could spare a dollar.

I looked in my wallet and there was only a $20, so I asked myself "Do I really want this money going to drugs, booze, and the decline of society?"

I decided I didn't so I gave it to him.

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An 80 year old grandma wants to join an outlaw biker gang

The gang leader says "Well, do you have a bike?"

"Sure! I just bought a new Harley!"

"Are you ok with drugs?"

"I should hope so, I take 20 pills a day!"

"Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No, but I got swung around by the tits once!"

Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work.

Nobody got higher than me.

I took a drug to make my brain run faster

I'm still stupid, *but in high speed*

My FedEx delivery guy is also my drug dealer.

He just doesn't know it.

RIP Mitch.

Women are like drugs

They’re too expensive and ruin my life

The government of Canada is forming a council to determine the merits of decriminalization of all drugs

It will be a High Council

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Two rich kids are caught doing drugs by a cop...

The cop recognizes them and tells them: "Since you have parents in high places, I'm gonna offer you a propisition. In 3 days from now, I want to find other teens like yourself and convince them to quit drugs."

3 days have past, and the two come to the officer with their results.

The fi...

My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.

I never knew he was a barber.

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Sex is the gateway Drug

Or is it alcohol, because you get f\*\*ed

Did you hear about the two drug users who injected curry powder thinking it was heroin?

One got a dodgy Tikka and the others in a Korma.

Parents always tell their kids to say 'no' to drugs.

If you're talking to drugs already, I think it's too late.

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

Be a winner. Never, ever take drugs.

Sell them.

What do you call a group of drug dealers with superpowers?

The Powder Rangers.

Two reasons I don't give money to begging homeless people:

1. They need money for drugs.
2. I need money for drugs.

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

My drug test came back negative.

My dealer has some explaining to do.

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Having sex in an elevator is a lot like taking hard drugs

You get fucked up, before a big cum down.

I don’t like people who take drugs…

For example, airport security.

Respect my authoritahh!!!

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mis...

How do you call a drug dealing cow?

A narcow

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

What do rich people and drug addicts have in common?

They both have friends in high places.

What do you call an app that delivers drugs to you, whenever you need it?

Instagram.





I just thought of this while scrolling Reddit and i just had to post it

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

My boss told me we're starting drug testing next week..

I said no prob, but I ain't trying meth.

Vaccines are a gateway drug.

To concerts and air travel.

medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test

experts described the horse's urine sample as "funky, cold"

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This guy dies and goes to hell

Arriving there, he gets really sad because he didn't expect eternal suffering.
As the devil is receiving him, he asks:
- why are you sad?
The guy replies:
- because now I'll suffer for eternity.
- Relax! - the devil says. - this place ain't as bad as they say. Listen, do you like alc...

I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome.

I swear by it.

I really can’t stand people who take drugs.

Such as customs officer’s

As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?...

Nah i better give them to this homeless guy

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

I hate people who take drugs...

Especially border control.

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What do you call a drug for people addicted to anal sex?

Trinoacetol

I had to take a drug test to see if I was on hallucinogens

I passed with flying colors

I think Pfizer got their drugs mixed up...

I got the Covid vaccine, but now when I cough I get an erectipn.

Did you hear Mike Tyson had a drug overdose...

He was pretty methed up.

I used to do drugs...

I mean, I still do, but I used to too.

Credit: Hitch Medberg

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Sick

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday, he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. H...

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

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If you think your life’s a mess, take some anti-diarrhea drug

So you can your shit together

A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ...

I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist

What's a frog's favorite drug?

Croakaine. Explains why they're hopped up all the time

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

There's a worsening drug problem where I live.

The drugs are getting worse.

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The 3 ex drug addicts

So 3 ex drug addicts (let's call them Jim, Mike and Bill) volunteered for a week to try to convince as many junkies as possible to ask for help to fight their addiction. They were given by the local authorities 2 photos, one showing a small circle and one showing a big circle and they were told to u...

Living with your drug dealer isn't all that bad

It has its percs.

Crossing the border the customs officer asked me I had any drugs or firearms, to which I responded...

...what do you need?

My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays.

He was the original trip advisor.

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned forty in July) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"<...

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BREAKING: A new drug is being trialled to increase semen output.

More to come.

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a drug deal

Drug dealers: "It's a set up!"

Reddit please help me, I've got a major drug problem :(

I can't get any, anywhere!

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A bear goes into a beef and bourbon bar

A bear goes into a beef and bourbon bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says "We don't serve beers to bears in beef and bourbon bars."

The bear is getting angry. "Give me a beer you piece of shit!"

The bartender replies "We don't serve beers to bears in beef and bourbon bars wh...

As the plumber left my house I saw something fall out of his back packet. I walked over and saw that it was a bag of drugs.

But I didn’t bend down to get it, because I didn’t want plumber’s crack.

A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump.

What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser.

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