UPJOKE
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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

I just found out my neighborhood barber was arrested for dealing drugs!

I've been his customer for 25 years and I never knew he was a barber.

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Not to brag, but we did a lot experiments with drugs, sex, and alcohol when I was in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.

"You've tested positive for opiates." The doctor said.

The man quickly replied: "Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier."

"Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine."

"...It was an everything bagel."

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

Why do Short people like drugs?

Because they get them high

There are two reasons I never give money to the homeless. 1 - they are just doing to spend it on drugs and alcohol

2 - I need that money for drugs and alcohol

Be careful who you buy drugs from. It might be laced. Mine was.

I found marijuana in my cocaine.

Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs?

They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.

Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

Nebuchadnezzar -- he was on grass for seven years.

Drug Dealers.

Two drug dealers talking,

One says, “how’s your girlfriend.?

The second one says, “she’s dead.”

The first one says, “I’m sorry to hear that, what did she die of.?”

The second one says, “Chlamydia.”

The first one says, “you don’t die from Chlamydia”

The sec...

What did the duck say to his drug dealer?

Can I have some quack?

What drug does Micheal Jackson take?

EcstaHEE

A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete.

Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

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Woodstock was full of hippies, high-potency drugs and all-day music

At night it was fucking in tents.

If I were to become a drug dealer, I'd partner up with Mike Tyson.

That guy can really make a meth.

A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean."

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack."

The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, co...

I used to have a beautiful house and a lovely car, until my friend introduced me to drugs...

Now, I have a yacht and a Caribbean Island.

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What's the difference between a prostitute and a Drug Dealer?

The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

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The voodoo dildo

An old joke probably a repost, one of the few jokes I remember.

A woman went to town for shopping and she found this newagey shop. Curious she went in and looked around when she saw this huge dildo sitting in a corner behind some stuff. She asked the shopowner about it and he told her it's a ...

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Drug use?

A monster was feeling kind of hungry and he knew that they served food at the local bar. He walks into the bar and sees a couple girls sitting at the bar. He walks up and gobbles one of the girls down. The other girl who was a cop, pulls out a badge and says, "You're under arrest for murder and drug...

I've experimented with a lot of drugs back in the day,

But with cocaine, that's where I drew a line.

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

Which drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

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Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use the...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

My grandfathers favorite joke: what’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

The drug dealer can’t wash the crack and resell it

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What’s the shitiest drug to overdose on?

Laxatives

Thoughtful Drug dealer.

A man gets pulled over by a police officer, and the cop pulls him out of the car and asks "Do you have anything I should know about before I look in there?". The guy shrugs his shoulders and the cop begins looking in the car. He pops the trunk and finds a kilo of coke. He holds it up and turns back ...

I used to do drugs in the 80’s

Now I do them in any temperature.

My wife is like a drug

She costs way too much and ruined my life

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

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I'll take any drug out of anyone's ass

Any but crack.

My mom was asking me if I had a drug problem.

I told her, 'yeah, I can't find any'.

Medusa is the best drug dealer

One look and I'm stoned

I said to my wife “You are my drug”

She said: “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”

I replied: “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”

People who say that ketamine is the best drug...

Need to get off their high horse

Did you hear that toms general store and andys drug store are merging?

I guess you could call it a marriage of convenience.

A penguin goes on vacation..

A penguin is driving his car through the country when it starts to smoke. He brings it to the local garage and asks the mechanic to look at it. The mechanic shakes his head and says, "I'll take a look, but it might take some time." The penguin shrugs and replies, "That's alright, I'll wander aroun...

What kind of drugs do birds do?

Crowcaine

Amazon doesn't actually drug test their workers.

They just want to make sure everyone can pee into a cup.

Interviewed for a job and they forgot to drug test me

Guess you could say I slipped through the crack

Mitch Hedberg died of a drug overdose...

Which means the drugs came from Mexico. Otherwise, he would've over-two'd.

A guy walks into a small family drug store...

... to buy some condoms. The lady behind the counter asks what size he wants, and the guy gets uptight and blushes, and stammers that he never knew that they came in sizes, and he doesn't know what his size is.
The lady tells him not to worry, there's a big old hogshead wine barrel out back with...

What is the difference between the Government and the Drug cartel?

The cartels don't force you to take the drugs....I'll see myself out

What does a drug dealer says at the end of the year?

Merry cryst meth!

Doctor:I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.

Patient:Great, how often do I have to take it ?

Doctor:Every two hours.

I was asked " why did you marry a drug dealer"

Because my parents told me to marry someone with substance.

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Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the viagra from the pharmacy.

The police are looking for two hardened criminals.

A man asked his friend," what do you call a dictionary on drugs? "

His friend replied," If it is addictionary I swear to God I am going to kill you."

The man replied," I was going to say ' high definition ' but yours is better.

The allergies from pollen are so bad this year...

drug addicts are converting their meth back into Sudafed.

Knew a drug dealer who was a Satanist

He used to sell me penta grams.

What is it called when a group of drug addicts overthrow the government?

A high coup

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I found a drug that helps me sleep when I have a sunburn

It’s called viagra. It doesn’t help with the burn, but it keeps the sheets off my legs

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I used to do drugs until some asshole dealer ripped me off with a gram of washing powder.

I've been clean ever since.

Do you know what today is?

I told my boss with a giant smile.
He rolled his eyes and said "It's 4/20."
"4/20! Hell yeah!" I yelled.
As I started to walk away, he said "Wait, don't you know what tomorrow is though?"
Puzzled I said "No?"
"Random drug test day." He said back.

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A really old man goes to drugstore and asks for Viagra

The pharmacist who is a bit worried about man using this kind of drug at that age replies "Mr. I dont recommend using Viagra for sex at your age, your body may not be able to handle it"

"I dont need it for sex" the old man replies "I just want it to get hard enough that I dont pee on my shoes...

What kind of drug would a polar bear sell?

Coke.

A former drug dealer goes to the local church to confess his sins.

„Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.“ says the man. „I have made a huge amount of money in my loge and have become very rich while doing wrong to many many others. Can the good Lord forgive me and give me another chance?“

The priest hears his confession, thinks a bit and then answers from t...

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope..

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court...

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When you are at a party...

...and say you never drank, everybody wants you to get drunk.

If you say you never smoked, everybody wants you to smoke a cigarette.

And if you say you never did drugs, everybody wants you to get high.

But if you say that you are a virgin, nobody wants to fuck you!

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgin" "WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her daddy'...

What did the drug addicted power rangers say to each other?

“It’s morphine time!”

My drug-selling friend got in a car crash and lost an arm, so now he only has use of one hand.

He's slowly dealing with it.

Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work.

Nobody got higher than me.

I’ve been having a lot of difficulty sleeping recently, but I’ve started taking an absolute wonder drug…

It’s called MDMA, I still don’t sleep but now I feel great about it!

A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting

The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"

The addict responds. "Okay, I-"

The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"

"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."

All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."...

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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra

The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."


The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years ...

I once walked by a poster that said "Say no to drugs!"

I'm pretty sure if you're talking to drugs you already said yes, but that's not really my problem

When I was visiting France, my French friends kept insisting I stay up every night and do drugs.

I was under a lot of Pierre pressure.

I quit using drugs for good!

Now I use them for evil.

I read today in the local newspaper that a barber in the city was arrested for drug trafficking

I was his client for a long time but I didn't know he was a barber

As a scientist, I received a lot of praise for figuring out a new method of getting drugs to enter cells more effectively and efficiently.

As a prisoner, I received another 2 years on my sentence.

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A man complained to his friend

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer wi...

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

What do you call a fat drug addict?

Chunky junkie!

I took a drug to make my brain run faster

I'm still stupid, *but in high speed*

Did you hear about the two drug users who injected curry powder thinking it was heroin?

One got a dodgy Tikka and the others in a Korma.

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Two rich kids are caught doing drugs by a cop...

The cop recognizes them and tells them: "Since you have parents in high places, I'm gonna offer you a propisition. In 3 days from now, I want to find other teens like yourself and convince them to quit drugs."

3 days have past, and the two come to the officer with their results.

The fi...

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

I don’t like people who take drugs…

For example, airport security.

I had a friend who almost died from eating Mountain Oysters.

The bull must've drug him a mile.

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition.

a very enthusiastic teen

Went to the drug store to get the necessities of his first love making experience.
He said to the pharmacist "I need 12 rubbers. I have a hot date with the school tramp. We are going all the way tonight"

Later that night at his dates house. The girls family invites him in for some dinner...

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

My FedEx delivery guy is also my drug dealer.

He just doesn't know it.

RIP Mitch.

Two ex-cons talk to each other. The younger one says: "I was in for drugs. What did you do?"

The older man answers: "I was jailed for something I didn't do."

The young guy, intrigued, asks: "What was that? Did they set you up?"

The older shrugs: "Nah, I just didn't run fast enough."

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Sex is the gateway Drug

Or is it alcohol, because you get f\*\*ed

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

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A teacher teaches class on drug abuse

He walks into the classroom, draws a big circle and a small circle on the blackboard and asks: “What are these?”

As nobody answers, he says:” The big circle is your eye pupil, when you’re clean, and the small circle is your eye pupil, when you’re high! If the police see this, they put you in ...

Parents always tell their kids to say 'no' to drugs.

If you're talking to drugs already, I think it's too late.

I've got a secret to reveal, guys. I don't think I can be a drug smuggler any longer.

I've kept it inside for so long.

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

My drug test came back negative.

My drug dealer has some explaining to do.

My boss told me we're starting drug testing next week..

I said no prob, but I ain't trying meth.

What do rich people and drug addicts have in common?

They both have friends in high places.

How do you call a drug dealing cow?

A narcow

What do you call a group of drug dealers with superpowers?

The Powder Rangers.

I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome.

I swear by it.

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