Drug Jokes - 100 Hilarious Drug Jokes

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs.....''

I said "I'm on drugs? you're the one talking to dogs."

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they will throw b...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

"We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given."

I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"

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Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use the...

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What's the best drug to have sex on?

Birth control

I think my girlfriend's a secret drug dealer

I just answered her phone, and this man said "is that dope still there?"

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A drug addict stumbles upon a magic lamp

A drug addict stumbles upon a shiny lamp. As soon as he picked it up, ... pufff... a Genie appeared from the smokes.

"I shall grant you **three wishes**!", the genie said.

The drug addict, without hesitation: "Let's do a line of cocaine for both of us"

Poof... A line of cocaine ...

What drugs do ducks do?

Qwack cocaine

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back...

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

I don’t like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

My drug test came back negative.

My drug dealer has some explaining to do.

How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

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A young guy goes into a drug store owned by two spinster sisters.

He awkwardly says to the one lady at the pharmacy counter, "Um, this is embarrassing but I have this condition where about once a day I become incredibly aroused and overcome by the desire to have sex with any woman at all. It's overwhelming! What can you give me for it?"

"Hmm," replied the l...

How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?

Enough to kill two and half men.

How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?

They know what grams are.

What‘s a ducks drug of choice?

Quack

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs..

I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old...

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two.

Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was ...

Random Drug search

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look m...

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What is the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

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My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

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Not to brag, but we did a lot experiments with drugs, sex, and alcohol when I was in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

Which drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

A duck walks into the drug store

A duck walks into the drug store and asks for a pack of condoms.

Druggist says: "would you like me to put that on your bill?"

Duck says: "nah, I'm not into that weird stuff".

Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

Twenty years ago, my friend made a website where you compare getting high from different drugs.

It was the original trip advisor.

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The guy that messed with a drug lord

(sorry if anything sounds weird, original is from Brazil)

This guy is chilling at home, when a big party starts at the neighboring mansion. It is a sweet sixteen party, with lots of guests and very loud music. At 1AM the guy is fed up and calls the cops to end with the nuisance. What he didn'...

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I can prove it to you if you want me to."

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
...

When I was a child a police officer came to our school and gave a speech on drugs.

I couldn't understand a damn thing he said.

Two of the wealthiest men in the world suffer from ED. They team up to make a new drug and call it...

Elongates

I hate people who take drugs...

specifically the DEA and US Customs.

‘Just say NO to drugs!’

Well… If I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes…

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

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For class today, I brought in a drug addict to show kids the adverse effects of drugs.

This man was a real mess. He would use coffee as a stimulant throughout the day, alcohol to alleviate his anxieties, sweets for his depression, TikTok to get dopamine hits, and shitty TV at night to mindlessly pacify him.

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Two Teenage Boys Were Arrested For Doing Drugs

When they went to court, the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month.

Th...

I said to my wife “You are my drug”

She said: “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”

I replied: “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”

Not to brag, but I aced the drug test at work today.

Nobody got higher than me.

I hate people that take drugs..

Especially police and customs.

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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of...

The drug problem in parks is getting ridiculous.

The ducks are on quack!

What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

My grandfather was an African drug dealer...

He used to work in the 1970s in Johannesburg as a pharmacist.

We had random drug testing at work today.

The pcp was my favourite.

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Why doesn't Mike Tyson do drugs?

Cause that shit will meth up your life.

What kind of shoes commonly fail drug tests?

High heels

When I was younger I struggled with a serious drug problem

These days I have a much more reliable dealer.

Medusa is the best drug dealer

One look and I'm stoned

The Matrix in reverse is the story of a guy who quit drugs and got a job

Convince me otherwise

I store drugs right under my nose

Don't believe me? Check my stash

I drink alcohol without hesitation, but drugs,

…drugs is where I draw the line.

What's a chef's favourite drug?

Pot

What do you call a drug dealer with a math degree?

A methematician.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

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Bill complained to his friend that his elbow hurt, so his friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything.

He said ''Just insert a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he inserted the sam...

People who drug their farm animals

should get off their high horse.

My mom embarassed me me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer"

I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"

Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs?

They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.

Why do you never trust overweight female drug dealers?

Because they always cell-u-lite

We've got to do something about drugs in highschools.

The prices these kids are setting are getting way out of hand.

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

Drug Dealers.

Two drug dealers talking,

One says, “how’s your girlfriend.?

The second one says, “she’s dead.”

The first one says, “I’m sorry to hear that, what did she die of.?”

The second one says, “Chlamydia.”

The first one says, “you don’t die from Chlamydia”

The sec...

I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom

Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.

My favourite drug is time

I love doin' time with the boys.

What do you get when your philosophical tattoo artist is on drugs?

Meth inks

I think I've found the local drug dealer.

He's always standing around with these big sunglasses on.

I just feel sorry that his dog always has to witness that life too.

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
...

What do you call a premature drug?

Eggs-tasy

I'll let myself out

A dentist in my town just got arrested for selling drugs!

It's amazing what secrets people can keep. I've been going to him for over ten years and I never knew he was a dentist!

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Viagra is a gateway drug

It leads to harder things.

What drug does Micheal Jackson take?

EcstaHEE

I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
"Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said.
"I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great."
"Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stu...

What's the difference between a drug dealer and Bill Cosby?

When you meet a dealer in a secluded area, you have to pay for the drugs.

What did the Sheriff yell to the Deputy after Barbie payed the bail for her boyfriends drug possession charges?

>!"RELEASE THE CRACK-KEN!"!<

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

Car pulls up. Guy rolls the window down. "You got any coke?" Me: "Is Pepsi OK?" Dude shot me in the leg.

Quitting drugs for good is easy

I do it all the time!

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Drug use?

A monster was feeling kind of hungry and he knew that they served food at the local bar. He walks into the bar and sees a couple girls sitting at the bar. He walks up and gobbles one of the girls down. The other girl who was a cop, pulls out a badge and says, "You're under arrest for murder and drug...

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A washed up actor, a drug addict, and a sexual predator walk into a bar

Andy Dick finally found one he hasn't been kicked out of.

If the war on drugs was a literal war...

How many of you would shoot heroin?

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

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Drug Store Robber

A man was in need of some quick cash, and so he decided to turn to thievery. He grabbed his gun and visited 5 different drug stores, stealing over 5,000 pills of Viagra. The next day, while preparing to sell the pills, the man's house was surrounded by police. With no place to go, the man decided to...

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

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How do you know a stripper is on drugs?

You can see her crack.

What does a frugal knitter have in common with a drug addict?

They don't mind using a secondhand needle

Everyone thinks drug addicts need advice

But they’ve already added enough vices, they need to subtractvice

A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete.

Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.

Mitch Hedberg used to do a lot of drugs

Now he is dead.

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