Which drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

Medusa is the best drug dealer

One look and I'm stoned

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

If James T. Kirk ran a drug business from his ship...

Would it be a criminal Enterprise?

My grandfathers favorite joke: what’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

The drug dealer can’t wash the crack and resell it

What is it called when a group of drug addicts overthrow the government?

A high coup

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Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the viagra

So they set an high alert for two hardened criminals...

People who say that ketamine is the best drug...

Need to get off their high horse

I have no problem with drugs but

Cocaine is where I draw the line

I’ve been having a lot of difficulty sleeping recently, but I’ve started taking an absolute wonder drug…

It’s called MDMA, I still don’t sleep but now I feel great about it!

when people take horse drugs like ivermectin

do they mane-line them?

I said to my wife “You are my drug”

She said: “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”

I replied: “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

What do you call a fat drug addict?

Chunky junkie!

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting

The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"

The addict responds. "Okay, I-"

The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"

"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."

All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."...

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Sex is the gateway Drug

Or is it alcohol, because you get f\*\*ed

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

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A teacher teaches class on drug abuse

He walks into the classroom, draws a big circle and a small circle on the blackboard and asks: “What are these?”

As nobody answers, he says:” The big circle is your eye pupil, when you’re clean, and the small circle is your eye pupil, when you’re high! If the police see this, they put you in ...

What’s a drug for birds?

Quack

So I bought some shoes from a drug dealer this morning...

I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day.

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I found a drug that helps me sleep when I have a sunburn

It’s called viagra. It doesn’t help with the burn, but it keeps the sheets off my legs

My drug-selling friend got in a car crash and lost an arm, so now he only has use of one hand.

He's slowly dealing with it.

Two ex-cons talk to each other. The younger one says: "I was in for drugs. What did you do?"

The older man answers: "I was jailed for something I didn't do."

The young guy, intrigued, asks: "What was that? Did they set you up?"

The older shrugs: "Nah, I just didn't run fast enough."

Two reasons I don't give money to begging homeless people:

1. They need money for drugs.
2. I need money for drugs.

I took a drug to make my brain run faster

I'm still stupid, *but in high speed*

My FedEx delivery guy is also my drug dealer.

He just doesn't know it.

RIP Mitch.

The government of Canada is forming a council to determine the merits of decriminalization of all drugs

It will be a High Council

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Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use the...

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Not to brag, but I did a lot of experiments with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

Parents always tell their kids to say 'no' to drugs.

If you're talking to drugs already, I think it's too late.

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Having sex in an elevator is a lot like taking hard drugs

You get fucked up, before a big cum down.

Women are like drugs

They’re too expensive and ruin my life

Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work.

Nobody got higher than me.

What do you call a group of drug dealers with superpowers?

The Powder Rangers.

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

Be a winner. Never, ever take drugs.

Sell them.

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

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Two rich kids are caught doing drugs by a cop...

The cop recognizes them and tells them: "Since you have parents in high places, I'm gonna offer you a propisition. In 3 days from now, I want to find other teens like yourself and convince them to quit drugs."

3 days have past, and the two come to the officer with their results.

The fi...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

Vaccines are a gateway drug.

To concerts and air travel.

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test

experts described the horse's urine sample as "funky, cold"

Did you hear about the two drug users who injected curry powder thinking it was heroin?

One got a dodgy Tikka and the others in a Korma.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

A homeless guy asked me for some money today

I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill. "Do I really want this money going to drugs?", I thought to myself. "Nah." So I gave him the $20.

Just say NO to drugs !

Well, If I'm talking to my drugs...
I probably said Yes.

How do you call a drug dealing cow?

A narcow

My boss told me we're starting drug testing next week..

I said no prob, but I ain't trying meth.

My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.

I never knew he was a barber.

My drug test came back negative.

My dealer has some explaining to do.

I really can’t stand people who take drugs.

Such as customs officer’s

As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?...

Nah i better give them to this homeless guy

What do you call an app that delivers drugs to you, whenever you need it?

Instagram.





I just thought of this while scrolling Reddit and i just had to post it

I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome.

I swear by it.

Did you hear Mike Tyson had a drug overdose...

He was pretty methed up.

What do rich people and drug addicts have in common?

They both have friends in high places.

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

I think Pfizer got their drugs mixed up...

I got the Covid vaccine, but now when I cough I get an erectipn.

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

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What do you call a drug for people addicted to anal sex?

Trinoacetol

I used to do drugs...

I mean, I still do, but I used to too.

Credit: Hitch Medberg

I had to take a drug test to see if I was on hallucinogens

I passed with flying colors

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If you think your life’s a mess, take some anti-diarrhea drug

So you can your shit together

Never, EVER be late

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words wh...

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

There's a worsening drug problem where I live.

The drugs are getting worse.

What do you call a bird that does drugs?

On quack.

A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ...

I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist

What's a frog's favorite drug?

Croakaine. Explains why they're hopped up all the time

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

Crossing the border the customs officer asked me I had any drugs or firearms, to which I responded...

...what do you need?

My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays.

He was the original trip advisor.

Living with your drug dealer isn't all that bad

It has its percs.

A Bear walks into a bar

A Bear walks into a bar in Barnaby BC. Asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replied " sorry we can't serve bears in Barnaby bc". The bear replied if you don't serve me I will eat the woman at the end of the bar.
The bartender replied sorry.... And the bear ate her... then he wan...

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The 3 ex drug addicts

So 3 ex drug addicts (let's call them Jim, Mike and Bill) volunteered for a week to try to convince as many junkies as possible to ask for help to fight their addiction. They were given by the local authorities 2 photos, one showing a small circle and one showing a big circle and they were told to u...

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Medical joke...

I work in medicine and I've been getting a lot of emails and messages about counterfeit drugs coming into America. Apparently some medications are being sold in America that were made in backwoods factories and third world countries. The latest message I got from the FDA was to be on the lookout f...

I was about to give money to a homeless man when I realized that I only had a $50 bill.

I took it out and asked myself, “Do I want this money to be spent on drugs?”

I decided I did, so I put the money back in my wallet and kept walking.

There was an FBI agent named Craig.

Craig's job was checking furniture that people sell online to see if there's nothing illegal in it.

However, Craig had a weird habit - instead of tracking all illegal items, he had a document with every single legal piece of furniture that people sold, and he was removing items from there if ...

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a drug deal

Drug dealers: "It's a set up!"

As the plumber left my house I saw something fall out of his back packet. I walked over and saw that it was a bag of drugs.

But I didn’t bend down to get it, because I didn’t want plumber’s crack.

Reddit please help me, I've got a major drug problem :(

I can't get any, anywhere!

A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman

He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once.

A dad buys a lie detector

He tells his son. This will beep whenever you lie. Where where you? The son says "I was at school" the lie detector beeps. The son says "ok, I was at the sinema with my friends" the lie detector beeps. He says OK I WAS AT MY FRIENDS HOUSE!!! we where drinking and doing drugs" the lie detector does n...

What do you call an athlete doing drugs ?

A Speed runner

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I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

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What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If my parents would've told me the truth

That I got good grades and went to a good college. I could do all the drugs I wanted bang all the prostitutes I wanted without getting in trouble. I would be a politician by now.

Never buy your hard drugs from the Roto-Rooter guy...

Plumber's crack is nasty

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BREAKING: A new drug is being trialled to increase semen output.

More to come.

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump.

What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser.

I love my FedEx guy

cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it — and he's always on time.

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A drunkard was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4AM. Two policemen in a car decided to approach him...

One cop asked "where are you going at this time of night?"

"I'm going to a lecture"

"A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!"

"About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex ...

4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train

They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.

The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.

The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.

The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings o...

What sound does a duck addicted to drugs make?

Crack!

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A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist

"I have a date this weekend with two smoking hot models. I want to be able to stay hard the whole time I'm with them. I'm looking for something stronger than Viagra!"

The pharmacist says "Well, I do have this new experimental drug. It works instantly and is guaranteed for three days without s...

When I go into a drug store, the pharmacist is usually high.

Why are many drug stores constructed with the area behind the counter a few steps higher than the rest of the store?

I wanted to make a joke about people that do drugs

But that’s where I draw the line

What do you call a clumsy drug dealer?

Falter White

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.” The old gentleman says, “Well, you go righ...

How does a whale buy their drugs?

By the krill-o-gram

My new year's resolution is to do less drugs

No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

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Tried a new drug...

It was supposed to be a long high that kept on climbing. I felt on top of the world, and everything was looking green.

Then I crashed hard and low and everything started looking red. Paid a lot for it and I wanted to sell the rest of my stash.

I called my drug dealer up and said “wha...

Did you hear about the drug addict who overthrew the government with 17 syllables?

He staged a high coup.

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