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Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use the...

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

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Two rich kids are caught doing drugs by a cop...

The cop recognizes them and tells them: "Since you have parents in high places, I'm gonna offer you a propisition. In 3 days from now, I want to find other teens like yourself and convince them to quit drugs."

3 days have past, and the two come to the officer with their results.

The fi...

What do rich people and drug addicts have in common?

They both have friends in high places.

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Not to brag, but I did a lot of experiments with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

Just say no to drugs.

Well if I'm talking to them I've probably already said yes.

Whats a ducks favorite drug?

Quack cocaine.

My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays.

He was the original trip advisor.

I had to take a drug test to see if I was on hallucinogens

I passed with flying colors

I hate people that take drugs...

Customs for example.

Living with your drug dealer isn't all that bad

It has its percs.

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Who makes more money in a week? A drug dealer or a prostitute?

A prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack :)

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!

As the plumber left my house I saw something fall out of his back packet. I walked over and saw that it was a bag of drugs.

But I didn’t bend down to get it, because I didn’t want plumber’s crack.

My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.

I never knew he was a barber.

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman

He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once.

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The 3 ex drug addicts

So 3 ex drug addicts (let's call them Jim, Mike and Bill) volunteered for a week to try to convince as many junkies as possible to ask for help to fight their addiction. They were given by the local authorities 2 photos, one showing a small circle and one showing a big circle and they were told to u...

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a drug deal

Drug dealers: "It's a set up!"

Reddit please help me, I've got a major drug problem :(

I can't get any, anywhere!

A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ...

I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist

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What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

I heard some of the capitol rioters were on drugs!

I guess you could say it was a... High coup.

A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump.

What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser.

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I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

What's a frog's favorite drug?

Croakaine. Explains why they're hopped up all the time

When I go into a drug store, the pharmacist is usually high.

Why are many drug stores constructed with the area behind the counter a few steps higher than the rest of the store?

What do you call an athlete doing drugs ?

A Speed runner

Never buy your hard drugs from the Roto-Rooter guy...

Plumber's crack is nasty

What sound does a duck addicted to drugs make?

Crack!

Mr Richard's kid was a drug dealer. So, he kick him out.

Finally, he got rid of his Adickson

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Were You Smoking Drugs Young Man?

- No dad! Never.
- Dad? Fuck no. It's me your dog
- WTF Max! You scared the shit out of me.

Did you hear about Mexican drug dealer that kept falling asleep on the job?

He had narcolepsy

What do you call a clumsy drug dealer?

Falter White

My new year's resolution is to do less drugs

No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict.

It starts in a box and moves to a house.

What is do tech companies and drug dealers have in common?

They are the only 2 industries that refer to their customers as ‘users’.

How does a whale buy their drugs?

By the krill-o-gram

I wanted to make a joke about people that do drugs

But that’s where I draw the line

[First Date] Me: I quit drugs and then took up mountain climbing.

Her: That’s great. What’s the highest you’ve been?

Me: I once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave.

The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs.

It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs.

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BREAKING: A new drug is being trialled to increase semen output.

More to come.

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

What do you call an Italian drug dealer in Asia?

Narco Polo

Prescription drug recall

The pharmaceutical company AvKare has issued a recall for two of their drugs which were accidentally switched. An antidepressant and a drug to treat erectile dysfunction.

This explains why my grandfather has been so moody yet my grandmother has been so happy!

Why should we be lenient on drug abusers with lisps?

All they did was meth up.

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

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What are the drug dealers of the animal kingdom?

Monkeys because they are slinging shit all day

Did you hear about the drug addict who overthrew the government with 17 syllables?

He staged a high coup.

What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed?

Let me finish this one line.

What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test?

With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole,

But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole.

What drug do French people use to get high?

Oui’d

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

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Sex pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doc...

Winners don't do drugs.

They sell them.

What does the drug addicted, sea faring geologist do?

Smoke seaweed, does crystal math and sails on the *high* seas.

What are the 2 most Illegal drugs in Duckville

Weed and Quack

So I phoned the drugs helpline and the voice on the phone said " For advice on cannabis"

Press 'hash'

After Oregon decriminalized the use of hard drugs, I wanted to do a playword on the matter...

But then I thought it was maybe too soon to crack jokes.

Since the wife left me I've bought a motorbike, got a dog, slept with two women, and blown a grand on drink and drugs.

She'll go mad when she gets home from work.

What's the difference between Drugs and kids?

I don't abuse drugs.

Drugs are a lot like my coworkers

My wife does most of them

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

How you get a drug dealer to stop talking to you?

You unplug

The worst thing about birthdays and drugs....

If you have too many, they will kill you!

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An 18-year old boy and his girlfriend are going camping for the weekend and plan to lose their virginity to each other

Bursting with excitement, the boy walks into a drug store to buy some condoms. He notices they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.

He's a bit confused, so he calls the clerk over, and asks “Excuse me sir, but why are the condoms packaged this way?”

The kindly old clerk replies, with a sly g...

I got stopped at the border and the guard asked me if I had any liquor, illegal guns or illegal drugs.

I took him aside and asked him "Whaddya need?"

The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.

I mean, if you’re talking to them, it is probably to late to say no to them.

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A bus crashes, and everyone onboard dies, the only survivor is a monkey. A cop comes to interrogate the monkey...

Monkeys can't speak, just picture the gestures...

Cop: So what did you see?

Monkey: places fingers to lips and sucks in

Cop: So they were doing drugs?

Monkey: nods yes

Cop: So what else did you see?

Monkey: cups hand up to lips and tilts head back

Cop...

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What’s the best drug to have sex on ?

Birth control pill

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A man driving down the road sees a sign in front of a house that says “$5 for talking dog”

The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.

The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”

To which the man rocking simply points to th...

Did you hear about the guy who assaulted a reposter on a prescription drug sub?

He was a pharma karma farmer harmer.

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

What's a Duck's favourite drug of choice?

Quack Cocaine

Policeman: My dog tells me you're on drugs.

Me: You're the one with the talking dog!

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

The most addictive drug is cyanide.

Take it one time, your on it for the rest of your life.

If fruit juice could be a drug

It would be much easier to find a punch-line

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It was 1988. A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot...

... One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond n...

Drugs? My pupils are tiny...

... said the teacher

Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago?

K, 9.

Did you know that most drug dealers are exceptionally good at their job?

They are highly qualified.

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I can't believe the city where I live. Drugs on every corner, prostitutes with needles in their arse...

Frankly, these are the only reasons why I stay.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

What drug do cats like best?

Purr-cocets

To overcome his drug addiction my son decided to become a woman.

Now's he's Coleen.

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I had to have a drug/alcohol evaluation today...

The therapist said my alcohol was pretty good but my drugs were terrible.

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Do you want free drugs?

Get searched by a cop. They make that shit appear out of thin air

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A sexist, an alcoholic, and a drug addict walk into a bar

The bartender says: hey aren't you that horse from Horsin' Around?

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

What do you call a body-enhancing drug from space?

A steroid.

Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?

In a narcophagus

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DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.” He said

“That’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there” I replied.

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please,...

I do almost any kind of drug

But cocaine is where I draw the line

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