My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

I don't like people that take drugs.

Airport security, for example.

One night, I did an insane amount of drugs and ended up at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

Quitting drugs is easy...

I've done it like a thousand times.

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday; he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge mea...

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

I friend of mine bought some shoes from a drug dealer today, and I don't know what dealer laced them with.

Because my friend was tripping all day.

Why did the drug addict suffer an overdose of cocaine?

Because he crossed the line...

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition

My drug test came back negative.

My dealer has some explaining to do...

What’s a mermaid’s favorite drug?

Seaweed

Why can't recovering drug users bike anywhere?

Because they might be tempted to bike rack

A cop gets called out to a bar on suspicion of a man selling drugs in the bathroom

Upon arrival, the cop finds a man with a bag of cocaine in his hand about to flush it down the toilet. The cop stops him and asks him, “is this bag yours?”

The man replies “I’m sorry officer I swear someone handed me these and ran. I kept trying to flush them down the toilet but they keep app...

The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.

I mean, if you’re talking to them, it is probably to late to say no to them.

What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

A local barber was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years

I never knew he was a barber

What is the new party drug in Mexico called?

Guacamolly.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

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I was at a party last night and got talking to a leading expert in the use of drugs in Sport.

He told me about a female Bulgarian athlete who had used so much steroids in the 70’s that she started to grow the beginnings of a penis.

“Anabolics?” I asked. “No” he said, “Just a penis”.

Drugs may be that path to nowhere...

but at least it's the scenic route.

What's a ducks favourite drug?

Quack

Whats a diabetics drug of choice?

Diet coke

What do you called a duck that’s a drug addict

A Quack Head

My uncle: a little bird told me you are doing drugs.

Me: you're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?

Some drug screens involve taking a strand of hair and analyzing it for illicit substances. It's called a follicle test.

Of course there are guys who try to beat that by shaving their head, but that doesn't work because the lab will just take a pubic hair instead. That's called the phallical test.

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My girlfriend asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I told her yes.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

So this drug dealer sold me some shoe laces

I dunno what he put in them, but I've been tripping all day!

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I was watching a comedy show the other night and listening to younger comedians talk about vaginas, sex, and drugs made me realize something... I don't find it funny anymore. I think I need some adult comedy, some high level stuff. you know like "anxiety and eminent debt walk into a bar....

They looking for me

I like you helping me in the kitchen, Kevin, but do you use drugs?

— No, mom, I swear!
— So, why you're cutting onions with the credit card?

My submission for a new drug name was rejected by big pharma. I don't know why.

'Dyquickr' is a perfectly good name for a cholesterol lowering medication.

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note... ...I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

Man goes to meet his drug dealer,

He asks him if he has anything to fix his stiff joints.

The dealer gives him his usual baggie of weed and says " Don't roll them so hard next time"

How are drug addicts executed in Saudi?

Stoned.

Newsflash: A Barber gets arrested for drug possession.

An acquaintance says, "I've known this guy for years, and I didn't know he was a barber."

What dose a cowboy drug addict say before doing heroin

“Rootin tootin ready for shootin”

What mythical monster of the sea clucks while going on drug enduced rampages?

The crack-hen.

I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer but something doesn't seem right

I think they're laced

I think it's really shameful how people criticize Lance Armstrong for taking drugs, the man won 7 Tour De France's on them.

When I'm on drugs, I can't even *find* my bike.

What bank do drug testing companies prefer to use?

PNC

I'm new to drug jokes

But I'll take a crack at it

Me and my friend made a bank account just to save up for drugs

I call it 'joint' account

What's it called when a drug dealer tests his products?

A business trip.

It was reported some of the bands performing tonight like to hide drugs in there drums.

But don't worry, we've taken the proper percussions

I had a drug test at work today. It came back negative

My dealer has some explaining to do

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, ...

Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

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During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.

‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom....

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

I refuse to give money to homeless people. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.

What do you call a blind person with a nose that is sensitive enough to smell drugs?

Happily employed.

Our Business is implementing random drug testing...

I'm OK with doing most of them but I'm kinda nervous about trying Crack.

A barber in my area got arrested for being a drug dealer.

I was his client for many years, and I had no clue that he was a barber.

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

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[OC] After area 51 raid, Joe drugged and took an alien to his home. When the drug worn off, Joe saw the alien walking towards him with a massive boner and he asked Joe in perfect English with a seducing voice "Who are you, sexy thing"?

Joe replied... Sapien.. No homo

I just watched a documentary on drugs

I think all documentaries should be watched this way

Why did the duck go to drug dealer

Quack

(Yea I know it’s terrible but I’m at the park and I just saw some ducks, so yea)

What drugs are IT Engineers addicted to?

Codeine.

What do you call a sniffer dogs team that is unable to find drugs?

Can'tnine squad

A local dentist was just arrested for dealing drugs.

To say I was surprised would be an understatement. I’ve been going to him for ten years and never knew he was a dentist.

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.

The price is 25 cents per condom, so he buys 4. When he checks out, the pharmacist says, "That will be $1.08."

In confusion the guy says, "Wait, they're 25 cents each so it should be a dollar, so why the additional 8 cents?"

The pharmacist says, "Well, it’s a dollar for the condom...

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...



The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives...

Why are drug addicts the most cultural?

They're always on a trip

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I used to smuggle drugs into other countries using my butt.

If I didn't do it, some other asshole would.

Who called El Chapo "Drug lord"

...and not "His Royal Highness"?

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In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name.

Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

What is the only thing a French drug dealer sells?

Oui-d

The rich elite have been accused of hiding the existence of a breakthrough drug for eternal youth.

Its been dubbed the "the secret agen't"

The numbers One to Ten are in a police line-up. Which one of them is going to get busted with drugs?

The high five of course.

A man smoked drugs, played the piaono, and died.....

Needless to say, it ended on a high note.

I used to do drugs ..

I still do. But I used to, too.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer today

Isnt it funny what you can find in pharmacies' gift/novelty shops?

I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me...

I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.

My drug dealer is a renowned comedian

He cracks me up

What do postmodernists and drugs have in common?

They both make you see things that aren’t there.

What drug causes the most proposals?

Marry-Wanna?

What subject do drug dealers excel at?

Methematics

What kind of bee drugs you and steals your money?

A Cardi B

What do you call a crocodile on drugs?

You call it a crackodile. (I’m sorry)

What do you call a person who robs a drug store?

A pillager

I think I've found the local drug dealer.

He's always standing around with these big sunglasses on.

I just feel sorry that his dog always has to witness that life too.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

Creating a drug that destroys mitochondria...

is a waste of energy

What do you call a drug dealer with a math degree?

A methematician.

What's a drug dealer's favourite type of dog?

A meth lab.

I just found out one of my friends is addicted to hard drugs. It’s really affecting me because I had no idea. If only I’d know

... He could have been buying them from me this whole time.

I'm working on a rap song about Drugs and Money

It's called "I can't afford that insulin"

a drugaddict was going to buy some drugs from a drug dealer

when they finally met, the drug dealer asked: so... what do want?

client: I want some uh... Coke.

drug dealer: is pepsi ok?

What did the cute duck say when asked what its favorite drug was?

Quack.

I remember when I started doing drugs. First weed, then pills... and then I was offered cocaine...

And that's where I drew the line

I used to think that Islamic countries were tight on their drug laws...

...but that can't be right. They still let women get stoned, don't they?

This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. ...

I've decided not to do drugs any more.

I mean I'm not doing them any less, but it's something.

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A man dies and finds himself in Hell.

He is greeted by Satan.

Satan: Welcome to Hell! Hey, why do you look so glum?

Man: Why do you think I look so glum? I'm in HELL! Isn't it eternal torture?

Satan: Nah, you've got us all wrong. Hell is pretty okay. When you were alive, did you drink?

Man: Yeah, I drank way ...

My local hair dresser just got charged with drug dealing.

I am shocked. I've been a customer of his for years. He never told me he cut hair.

My drug dealer delivers so fast I nicknamed him...

Instagram

I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

I passed my drug test at work. I'm glad I get to keep my job.

My dealer has some serious explaining to do though.

Today I read about the dangers of smoking, drinking, and taking other drugs.

I have now decided to stop reading.

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My boss just walked in with some scientists and yelled "Random drug test!"

I think he's taking the piss

What do you call a mexican drug kingpin who likes to dress as a woman?

El Trapo

Apparently weed is the gateway drug. But I'm not so sure.

I just spent 25 minutes trying to get into my garden.

The worst drug in the world

is the one people use incorrectly as past tense form of the verb to drag.

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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

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