The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.

I mean, if you’re talking to them, it is probably to late to say no to them.

What's a ducks favourite drug?

Quack

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

A local barber was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years

I never knew he was a barber

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note

I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, ...

I'm new to drug jokes

But I'll take a crack at it

What's it called when a drug dealer tests his products?

A business trip.

Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.

There was a drug test at work today...

Mine came back negative. My dealer owes me an explanation.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

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[OC] After area 51 raid, Joe drugged and took an alien to his home. When the drug worn off, Joe saw the alien walking towards him with a massive boner and he asked Joe in perfect English with a seducing voice "Who are you, sexy thing"?

Joe replied... Sapien.. No homo

I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

Me and my friend made a bank account just to save up for drugs

I call it 'joint' account

What do you call a sniffer dogs team that is unable to find drugs?

Can'tnine squad

A barber in my area got arrested for being a drug dealer.

I was his client for many years, and I had no clue that he was a barber.

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

....I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can ...

Our Business is implementing random drug testing...

I'm OK with doing most of them but I'm kinda nervous about trying Crack.

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

I refuse to give money to homeless people. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.

What drug was the duck addicted to?

Quack cocaine

A popular barber in my town just got arrested for being a drug dealer.

That’s crazy, I’ve been going to him for years. I never knew he was a barber

I had a drug test at work today. It came back negative

My dealer has some explaining to do

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...



The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives...

I just watched a documentary on drugs

I think all documentaries should be watched this way

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.

The price is 25 cents per condom, so he buys 4. When he checks out, the pharmacist says, "That will be $1.08."

In confusion the guy says, "Wait, they're 25 cents each so it should be a dollar, so why the additional 8 cents?"

The pharmacist says, "Well, it’s a dollar for the condom...

Why did the duck go to drug dealer

Quack

(Yea I know it’s terrible but I’m at the park and I just saw some ducks, so yea)

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

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I used to smuggle drugs into other countries using my butt.

If I didn't do it, some other asshole would.

What drugs are IT Engineers addicted to?

Codeine.

Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

What is the only thing a French drug dealer sells?

Oui-d

Why are drug addicts the most cultural?

They're always on a trip

A cop gets called out to a bar on suspicion of a man selling drugs in the bathroom

Upon arrival, the cop finds a man with a bag of cocaine in his hand about to flush it down the toilet. The cop stops him and asks him, “is this bag yours?”

The man replies “I’m sorry officer I swear someone handed me these and ran. I kept trying to flush them down the toilet but they keep app...

Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!

Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

I used to do drugs ..

I still do. But I used to, too.

What do postmodernists and drugs have in common?

They both make you see things that aren’t there.

I hate people who take drugs

For example: airport security

What kind of bee drugs you and steals your money?

A Cardi B

My drug dealer is a renowned comedian

He cracks me up

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer today

Isnt it funny what you can find in pharmacies' gift/novelty shops?

Me: That’s a cute dog you got there. Whats her name?

Cop: Diesel, she sniffs out drugs

Me: Still in training?

Cop: What?

Me: What?

I know people say dogs are smarter than cats

But cats don't tell the police where you hid your drugs.

A man smoked drugs, played the piaono, and died.....

Needless to say, it ended on a high note.

What drug causes the most proposals?

Marry-Wanna?

What do you call a person who robs a drug store?

A pillager

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

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In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name.

Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

What do drug-addicted chemists call meth?

A '1-carbon chain'

I think I've found the local drug dealer.

He's always standing around with these big sunglasses on.

I just feel sorry that his dog always has to witness that life too.

What do you call a crocodile on drugs?

You call it a crackodile. (I’m sorry)

What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.

What subject do drug dealers excel at?

Methematics

What's a drug dealer's favourite type of dog?

A meth lab.

Creating a drug that destroys mitochondria...

is a waste of energy

I just found out one of my friends is addicted to hard drugs. It’s really affecting me because I had no idea. If only I’d know

... He could have been buying them from me this whole time.

What did the cute duck say when asked what its favorite drug was?

Quack.

a drugaddict was going to buy some drugs from a drug dealer

when they finally met, the drug dealer asked: so... what do want?

client: I want some uh... Coke.

drug dealer: is pepsi ok?

My local hair dresser just got charged with drug dealing.

I am shocked. I've been a customer of his for years. He never told me he cut hair.

I used to think that Islamic countries were tight on their drug laws...

...but that can't be right. They still let women get stoned, don't they?

I'm working on a rap song about Drugs and Money

It's called "I can't afford that insulin"

What do you call a drug dealer with a math degree?

A methematician.

I've decided not to do drugs any more.

I mean I'm not doing them any less, but it's something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss just walked in with some scientists and yelled "Random drug test!"

I think he's taking the piss

Apparently weed is the gateway drug. But I'm not so sure.

I just spent 25 minutes trying to get into my garden.

The worst drug in the world

is the one people use incorrectly as past tense form of the verb to drag.

I passed my drug test at work. I'm glad I get to keep my job.

My dealer has some serious explaining to do though.

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I don't recall having ever done drugs

That's how fucking high I am.

I remember when I started doing drugs. First weed, then pills... and then I was offered cocaine...

And that's where I drew the line

What do you call a mexican drug kingpin who likes to dress as a woman?

El Trapo

What do you call an alcoholics drug dealing career?

Whiskey business

Today I read about the dangers of smoking, drinking, and taking other drugs.

I have now decided to stop reading.

What school did my drug dealer go to?

High school.

Exercise is like a drug to me

That’s why I’m drug free.

I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

Drugs don't ruin careers

Drug Tests do.

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During a drug rehab session

Joke: During a drug rehab session, an addict shares, "I lost so much weight doing crack. When you're addicted to crack you don't have an appetite." The next addict shares, "I lost so much weight doing cocaine. I spent all my money and couldn't afford to eat." The next addict shares, "I lost so much ...

A dentist living near my house got arrested for selling drugs.

In today's world you can't trust anyone, I went to him many times in last 10 years, and I never know that he is a dentist.

What do you get if you cross a mob boss, a gang leader, and a drug dealer?

Killed

My drug dealer delivers so fast I nicknamed him...

Instagram

I finally quit doing drugs.

It was high time.

I used to have a nice car and a nice house until my mate introduced me to drugs.

Now I have a yacht and a Caribbean island.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do drugs get into our prisons?

They’re probably smuggled in by some asshole.

I tried injecting drugs straight into my blood stream, thinking I would feel better afterwards...

but it was all in vein.

The new drug for women who have trouble performing...

Now introducing Niagra™

Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?

Wade walks into a drug store

Once in there, he asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and
her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him.

Wade said that it was something that he would be much...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

Hey kids, what are you supposed to say if a stranger offers you drugs?

You say "thank you," because drugs are expensive.

Michael Gove says he deeply regrets taking drugs

Everyone else deeply regrets he didn't take them all at once.

Just learned that a dentist a block away from me was arrested for dealing drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him him for over ten years.

Never knew he was a dentist.

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.

I was the control group.

Apple is making a new drug abuse detector

The ICUP.

What did the speech impaired man say after doing to many drugs?

I’m all Meth’d up...

I was so shocked to find out Lance Armstrong won all his Tour de France titles while he was on drugs

Last time I took drugs I couldn’t even find my bike

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