A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

I said to my wife “You are my drug”

She said: “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”

I replied: “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

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Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?

Because they can wash their crack and sell it again

Parents always tell their kids to say 'no' to drugs.

If you're talking to drugs already, I think it's too late.

An ice cream parlor has been arrested for drug trafficking in my neighborhood

This was yesterday and still cannot believe it. I have been his client most of my life and would never had imagined he sold ice cream

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work.

Nobody got higher than me.

medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test

experts described the horse's urine sample as "funky, cold"

What’s a duck’s favorite drug?

Quack

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Sex is the gateway Drug

Or is it alcohol, because you get f\*\*ed

I bought shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

A barber in my area got arrested for drug dealing..

I’ve been his customer for 10 years, but I had no idea he was a barber

Be a winner. Never, ever take drugs.

Sell them.

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Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use the...

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Not to brag, but I did a lot of experiments with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

Did you hear about the two drug users who injected curry powder thinking it was heroin?

One got a dodgy Tikka and the others in a Korma.

As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?...

Nah i better give them to this homeless guy

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

How do you call a drug dealing cow?

A narcow

My boss told me we're starting drug testing next week..

I said no prob, but I ain't trying meth.

Just say NO to drugs !

Well, If I'm talking to my drugs...
I probably said Yes.

Did you hear Mike Tyson had a drug overdose...

He was pretty methed up.

My drug test came back negative.

My dealer has some explaining to do.

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Two rich kids are caught doing drugs by a cop...

The cop recognizes them and tells them: "Since you have parents in high places, I'm gonna offer you a propisition. In 3 days from now, I want to find other teens like yourself and convince them to quit drugs."

3 days have past, and the two come to the officer with their results.

The fi...

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

What do you call an app that delivers drugs to you, whenever you need it?

Instagram.





I just thought of this while scrolling Reddit and i just had to post it

What do you call a white drug abuser in america

A politician

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

I think Pfizer got their drugs mixed up...

I got the Covid vaccine, but now when I cough I get an erectipn.

I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome.

I swear by it.

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If you think your life’s a mess, take some anti-diarrhea drug

So you can your shit together

What do rich people and drug addicts have in common?

They both have friends in high places.

My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.

I never knew he was a barber.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

There's a worsening drug problem where I live.

The drugs are getting worse.

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What do you call a drug for people addicted to anal sex?

Trinoacetol

I used to do drugs...

I mean, I still do, but I used to too.

Credit: Hitch Medberg

Crossing the border the customs officer asked me I had any drugs or firearms, to which I responded...

...what do you need?

What do you call a bird that does drugs?

On quack.

I had to take a drug test to see if I was on hallucinogens

I passed with flying colors

I don’t like people who take drugs…

For example, airport security.

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ...

I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays.

He was the original trip advisor.

Living with your drug dealer isn't all that bad

It has its percs.

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The 3 ex drug addicts

So 3 ex drug addicts (let's call them Jim, Mike and Bill) volunteered for a week to try to convince as many junkies as possible to ask for help to fight their addiction. They were given by the local authorities 2 photos, one showing a small circle and one showing a big circle and they were told to u...

As the plumber left my house I saw something fall out of his back packet. I walked over and saw that it was a bag of drugs.

But I didn’t bend down to get it, because I didn’t want plumber’s crack.

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a drug deal

Drug dealers: "It's a set up!"

A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman

He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once.

What's a frog's favorite drug?

Croakaine. Explains why they're hopped up all the time

Reddit please help me, I've got a major drug problem :(

I can't get any, anywhere!

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I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

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What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

What do you call an athlete doing drugs ?

A Speed runner

When I go into a drug store, the pharmacist is usually high.

Why are many drug stores constructed with the area behind the counter a few steps higher than the rest of the store?

Never buy your hard drugs from the Roto-Rooter guy...

Plumber's crack is nasty

What sound does a duck addicted to drugs make?

Crack!

I had no freaking idea!

I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 ye...

Elon Musk and Bill Gates have decided to partner in a joint venture to invent a medication to overcome erectile dysfunction.

They have decided to name the new drug 'Elongates'.

How does a whale buy their drugs?

By the krill-o-gram

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BREAKING: A new drug is being trialled to increase semen output.

More to come.

A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump.

What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser.

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Tried a new drug...

It was supposed to be a long high that kept on climbing. I felt on top of the world, and everything was looking green.

Then I crashed hard and low and everything started looking red. Paid a lot for it and I wanted to sell the rest of my stash.

I called my drug dealer up and said “wha...

My mom pointed at a guy across from our house...

...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."

That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.

Mr Richard's kid was a drug dealer. So, he kick him out.

Finally, he got rid of his Adickson

My new year's resolution is to do less drugs

No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs

Did you hear about Mexican drug dealer that kept falling asleep on the job?

He had narcolepsy

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict.

It starts in a box and moves to a house.

I wanted to make a joke about people that do drugs

But that’s where I draw the line

The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs.

It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs.

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

Drugs are a lot like my coworkers

My wife does most of them

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

Did you hear about the drug addict who overthrew the government with 17 syllables?

He staged a high coup.

What is do tech companies and drug dealers have in common?

They are the only 2 industries that refer to their customers as ‘users’.

[First Date] Me: I quit drugs and then took up mountain climbing.

Her: That’s great. What’s the highest you’ve been?

Me: I once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave.

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

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A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot ...

A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak...

What do you call an Italian drug dealer in Asia?

Narco Polo

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What are the drug dealers of the animal kingdom?

Monkeys because they are slinging shit all day

Prescription drug recall

The pharmaceutical company AvKare has issued a recall for two of their drugs which were accidentally switched. An antidepressant and a drug to treat erectile dysfunction.

This explains why my grandfather has been so moody yet my grandmother has been so happy!

Why should we be lenient on drug abusers with lisps?

All they did was meth up.

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and ...

What drug do French people use to get high?

Oui’d

Yo momma is so stupid

She studied for a drug test

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A police officer gets a new case

A police officer is minding his own business when his partner drops a case on his desk. His partner says "Leonid, a dance studio is running a drug operation, clear as day, open and shut case". Leonid has had a long day but is excited because open and shut cases don't happen often around this precin...

What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test?

With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole,

But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole.

What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed?

Let me finish this one line.

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

What does the drug addicted, sea faring geologist do?

Smoke seaweed, does crystal math and sails on the *high* seas.

Got stopped on the highway today...

Officer : "Any drugs, alcohol?"

Me : "No thanks !!! I got everything. "

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

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