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A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs.....''

I said "I'm on drugs? you're the one talking to dogs."

"We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given."

I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"

My college roommate had this weird habit of yelling at his drugs before he consumed them.

It wasn’t nice… to witness substance abuse.

My drug test came negative yesterday.

My dealer, sure, has some explaining to do.

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

Car pulls up. Guy rolls the window down. "You got any coke?" Me: "Is Pepsi OK?" Dude shot me in the leg.

I don't like people who take drugs

For example, airport security.

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they will throw b...

They Told Me I Failed The Drug Test

I told them I just ate a poppy seed bagel.

They asked about the marijuana and cocaine.

I told them it was an everything bagel.

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What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute washes her crack after she sells it.

When I was younger I struggled with a serious drug problem

These days I have a much more reliable dealer.

How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?

Enough to kill two and half men.

A duck walks into the drug store

A duck walks into the drug store and asks for a pack of condoms.

Druggist says: "would you like me to put that on your bill?"

Duck says: "nah, I'm not into that weird stuff".

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms

The pharmacist asks "How Many"

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. So can I get 10?" The young man m...

I'm open minded when it comes to trying drugs

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

Mitch Hedberg used to do a lot of drugs

Now he is dead.

I used to play violin in a string quartet. Sadly one of our musicians was on drugs.

So we've had to ban Jo.

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In the Olympics, we should allow the athletes to take as many drugs as possible.

Fuck it, I want to see how high they can jump!

If a drug lord created a chocolate brand, what would it be called

EscoBARS

I drink alcohol without hesitation, but drugs,

…drugs is where I draw the line.

An old woman was arrested at the airport today on drug smuggling charges

Customs officials searched her underwear and found a kilo of crack.

Quitting drugs for good is easy

I do it all the time!

What do politicians, drug addicts and birds have in common?

They all have friends in high places.

How did the Pimp stash his drugs?

He used his Heidi hoe

What do you call a billionaire drug lord who runs his global empire out of a supermarket?

Pablo Tescobar

There was a random drug test at my workplace the other day.

Fortunately, mine came out clean.

But my dealer has some explaining to do.

What kind of drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

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How do you know a stripper is on drugs?

You can see her crack.

A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.

"You've tested positive for opiates." The doctor said.

The man quickly replied: "Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier."

"Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine."

"...It was an everything bagel."

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

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A teacher asks children to name some drug names...

Sally stands up and says ”Paracetamol, its for pain relief”

Julie stands up and says “Aspirin , it helps you focus”

Jimmy stands up and says “Viagra”!

The teacher replies saying “Jimmy, how do you know that? What does that drug do?”

Jimmy replies “ Viagra is for diarrhea ...

I just found out my neighborhood barber was arrested for dealing drugs!

I've been his customer for 25 years and I never knew he was a barber.

I've always been told say no to drugs...

But I probably already said yes if I'm talking to my drugs

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Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use the...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

A homeless man was asking me for the £20 note in my pocket, I thought to myself, do I really want this money to be spent on drugs?

The answer was no so I gave him the twenty

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs

I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas

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Not to brag, but we did a lot experiments with drugs, sex, and alcohol when I was in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

What do you call a person's tendency to discover drugs in unexpected places?

Potluck

What does Jared Leto say when he is on drugs?

It's Morphine time!

How do good drug dealers avoid getting caught?

They know high people in places.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what they laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

What is the name of the drug that Roger Federer uses in secret ?

Tennis Enlarger.

This past year has been a sad one. It would have been my Mother's 60th Birthday, which we would have celebrated with the whole family. But thanks to drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of bad decisions...

We all forgot to show up.

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

Everyone thinks drug addicts need advice

But they’ve already added enough vices, they need to subtractvice

What Do You Call A Cow On Drugs?

High Steaks

So there's this duck, trying to sell drugs to this horse

The duck hold out his wing and says: "Quack?" The horse shakes his head and says: "Neigh!"

What is a ducks favorite drug?

Quack Cocaine

I feel the same way about lawyers as I do drug dealers

They’re all scumbags except mine.

What do you call a paraplegic who self medicates with drugs and gambling?

A High Roller

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A man died and found himself in Hell.

As he was walking through hell in despair, he met The Devil for the first time.

Devil asks him: "Hey, fellow. Why are you so desperate?"
Man: "What do you think? I'm in hell."

Devil: "Hell isn't that bad. We're having a lot of fun here. Do you like alcohol?"
Man: "Sure, I l...

There are two reasons I never give money to the homeless. 1 - they are just doing to spend it on drugs and alcohol

2 - I need that money for drugs and alcohol

Be careful who you buy drugs from. It might be laced. Mine was.

I found marijuana in my cocaine.

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

Thoughtful Drug dealer.

A man gets pulled over by a police officer, and the cop pulls him out of the car and asks "Do you have anything I should know about before I look in there?". The guy shrugs his shoulders and the cop begins looking in the car. He pops the trunk and finds a kilo of coke. He holds it up and turns back ...

I said to my wife “You are my drug”

She said: “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”

I replied: “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”

What drug do hairdressers use the most?

Hairoin

A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean."

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack."

The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, co...

How do you serve drugs and your country at the same time?

Join the CIA

A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete.

Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.

Drug Dealers.

Two drug dealers talking,

One says, “how’s your girlfriend.?

The second one says, “she’s dead.”

The first one says, “I’m sorry to hear that, what did she die of.?”

The second one says, “Chlamydia.”

The first one says, “you don’t die from Chlamydia”

The sec...

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Smoking dope.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of dru...

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The week in jail

A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. Even though he is an extremely tough guy, not afraid of anything or anyone, he is having quite some difficulty controlling his tears when all of a su...

Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

Nebuchadnezzar -- he was on grass for seven years.

Medusa is the best drug dealer

One look and I'm stoned

I used to have a beautiful house and a lovely car, until my friend introduced me to drugs...

Now, I have a yacht and a Caribbean Island.

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The Drunk and a priest

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a ...

Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs?

They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.

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Woodstock was full of hippies, high-potency drugs and all-day music

At night it was fucking in tents.

Some Russian anti-war jokes

1. "Partial mobilization" is when you are drafted in whole, and returned back in parts.

2. "Dad, why are we hauled off to the trenches?" "I don't know, son, I'm not into politics."

3. For a long time, the government told us, "if you don't like Russia, go to another country." Now they t...

Im going to ask you some questions and the answer to em all is addicted.

If you drink too much alcohol what are u to alcohol?... Addicted

If you smoke too much what are u to cigarettes?... Addicted

If you take too many drugs what are u to drugs?... Addicted

So what slapped you in the face last night?...

If I were to become a drug dealer, I'd partner up with Mike Tyson.

That guy can really make a meth.

What do you call a duck with a drug problem?

A quack head

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What’s the shitiest drug to overdose on?

Laxatives

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Drug use?

A monster was feeling kind of hungry and he knew that they served food at the local bar. He walks into the bar and sees a couple girls sitting at the bar. He walks up and gobbles one of the girls down. The other girl who was a cop, pulls out a badge and says, "You're under arrest for murder and drug...

What’s a frog’s favorite drug?

Croak-aine

Rookie cop pulls over an old biker…

A rookie police officer pulls an old biker over for speeding:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Off...

I've experimented with a lot of drugs back in the day,

But with cocaine, that's where I drew a line.

People who say that ketamine is the best drug...

Need to get off their high horse

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

My wife is like a drug

She costs way too much and ruined my life

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My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

I was asked " why did you marry a drug dealer"

Because my parents told me to marry someone with substance.

What kind of drugs do birds do?

Crowcaine

Smoking in the Rain

Two elderly women, Beatrice and Gertrude, are sitting on the front porch one day having a smoke when it starts to rain. Beatrice pulls a condom out of her pocketbook and puts it over then end of her cigarette. Gertrude is confused and Beatrice explains that it keeps the cigarette from getting wet. S...

Mitch Hedberg died of a drug overdose...

Which means the drugs came from Mexico. Otherwise, he would've over-two'd.

A guy walks into a small family drug store...

... to buy some condoms. The lady behind the counter asks what size he wants, and the guy gets uptight and blushes, and stammers that he never knew that they came in sizes, and he doesn't know what his size is.
The lady tells him not to worry, there's a big old hogshead wine barrel out back with...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

Interviewed for a job and they forgot to drug test me

Guess you could say I slipped through the crack

There was once a bloke named Dave

On the way to work, Dave saw a homeless man. He felt bad and gave the homeless man $10. A friend he was walking with told him it was a bad idea because he would spend the $10 on drugs. Dave thought about this an went back to the homeless man and asked
“How can I get drugs for $10 too?”

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The voodoo dildo

An old joke probably a repost, one of the few jokes I remember.

A woman went to town for shopping and she found this newagey shop. Curious she went in and looked around when she saw this huge dildo sitting in a corner behind some stuff. She asked the shopowner about it and he told her it's a ...

What does a drug dealer says at the end of the year?

Merry cryst meth!

A man asked his friend," what do you call a dictionary on drugs? "

His friend replied," If it is addictionary I swear to God I am going to kill you."

The man replied," I was going to say ' high definition ' but yours is better.

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I'll take any drug out of anyone's ass

Any but crack.

Doctor:I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.

Patient:Great, how often do I have to take it ?

Doctor:Every two hours.

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Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the viagra from the pharmacy.

The police are looking for two hardened criminals.

Amazon doesn't actually drug test their workers.

They just want to make sure everyone can pee into a cup.

Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work.

Nobody got higher than me.

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I found a drug that helps me sleep when I have a sunburn

It’s called viagra. It doesn’t help with the burn, but it keeps the sheets off my legs

My mom was asking me if I had a drug problem.

I told her, 'yeah, I can't find any'.

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A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores i...

Did you hear that toms general store and andys drug store are merging?

I guess you could call it a marriage of convenience.

My dog and cat are drug addicts

I caught them doing felines of cocainine.

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

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I used to do drugs until some asshole dealer ripped me off with a gram of washing powder.

I've been clean ever since.

What kind of drug would a polar bear sell?

Coke.

Gas prices!

They say cocaine is a rich man's drug. I'm waiting to see people in business suits on the corner with a rag and a can of gasoline.

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

What is it called when a group of drug addicts overthrow the government?

A high coup

My drug-selling friend got in a car crash and lost an arm, so now he only has use of one hand.

He's slowly dealing with it.

I find it hilarious when people defend drugs

It cracks me up

Knew a drug dealer who was a Satanist

He used to sell me penta grams.

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

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