Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

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My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

Did you hear about the drug addict who overthrew the government with 17 syllables?

He staged a high coup.

I hate people that take drugs

You know, customs officers and policemen.

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BREAKING: A new drug is being trialled to increase semen output.

More to come.

PSA: Don’t buy shoes from your drug dealer.

Trust me. I did. I don’t know what they were laced with but I was tripping all day.

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Sex pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doc...

I hate people that take drugs..

This whole “airport security” thing has gone *way* too far.

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What’s the best drug to have sex on ?

Birth control pill

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

what's the difference between drugs and kids?

people acctually want drugs

Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago?

K, 9.

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I can't believe the city where I live. Drugs on every corner, prostitutes with needles in their arse...

Frankly, these are the only reasons why I stay.

Policeman: My dog tells me you're on drugs.

Me: You're the one with the talking dog!

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it

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A sexist, an alcoholic, and a drug addict walk into a bar

The bartender says: hey aren't you that horse from Horsin' Around?

Drugs are a lot like my coworkers

My wife does most of them

Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?

In a narcophagus

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I had to have a drug/alcohol evaluation today...

The therapist said my alcohol was pretty good but my drugs were terrible.

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

Did you know that most drug dealers are exceptionally good at their job?

They are highly qualified.

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

Whats a cats favorite drug

Meowijuana

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Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until i misplaced a felon's probation samples.

So I guess I lost that pissing contest

The local barber just got busted for dealing drugs. I'm shocked. I've been a customer of his for 10 years.

Never knew he was a barber, though.

They arrested my neighbor dentist for dealing drugs!

I'm surprised! Being friends with him all these years I didn't know he was a dentist!

I feel like most drugs are ok.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

Drugs? My pupils are tiny...

... said the teacher

I bought three sniffer dogs, to try and solve the drug problem in my area.

Thankfully, they managed to find me some.

Where did Jesus create drugs?

Methlehem

What kind of drugs do ducks take ?

Quack

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Concerned about the rising drug problems on Earth

Jesus decides to send some of his disciples back to Earth to obtain some drugs so that they would better understand how to help mankind.

After 3 days they begin to return.

There is a soft knock on the side door at Jesus' pad. "Open up, man, it's Matthew."
The door opens just a cra...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

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Do you want free drugs?

Get searched by a cop. They make that shit appear out of thin air

Drugs

Q. Heard about the drug addict fisherman who accidentally caught a duck?

A. Now he's hooked on the quack.

I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

"nice... what’s the highest you've been?"

I tried to kiss a goldfish.

What do drug addicts and pharaohs have in common?

De Nile

What type of drug can you take if you have an allergic reaction to Rowan Atkinson?

Anti-MisterBeans

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How do so many drugs get into prisons?

I guess they're smuggled in by some asshole

What do you call a body-enhancing drug from space?

A steroid.

The war on drugs has started.

So if you see any heroin you should shoot it.

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Where's the best place to hide drugs in space?

Uranus.

What's a duck's favorite drug?

Quack.

A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain.

The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.

The lookout replied, "Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good."

The captain responded, "Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation."

Where does a donkey farmer hide his drugs?

In his ass!

If obi wan kenobi ever made a drug den he would call it..

The High Ground

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What did the shitty actor with a drug problem say?

"Line?"

When i was little I had a pet rock I was always very strict on him about drug abuse

because i was afraid that he would be a stoner.

Drugs are not that bad But when it comes to cocaine

We’ve got to draw a line somewhere.

If Uber was a drug,

Sometimes we'd have really bad trips

I just passed my drug test.

My dealer has some explaining to do.

A duck waddles into the drug store and says, “Sorry, I don’t have my wallet today but I need to buy a condom.” The pharmacist says, “No problem. Shall I just put it on your bill?”

The duck exclaims, “Sir! What kind of a duck do you think I am?”

Why did the beach fail a drug test?

Because of the seaweed

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

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The results of a 3-year trial for a drug that prevents diabetes are in.

A scientist walks into his boss's office to brief him on the results.

"How did you conduct this study?" asked the boss,

"We gave a group of 300 participants our drug, at 3 doses a day, and another 300 a placebo. We then found the number of people in each group who had diabetes." replie...

A Midwesterner's Favorite Drug

I'm no expert, but I'm confident that midwesterners' favorite drug is OPEium.

Drugs are a lot like women...

If you abuse them. Crystal, Mary Jane, and Molly will destroy your life.

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A cop has been caught doing drugs and masturbating on duty

No name has been given yet but they say he's a high wanking officer

How do you tell apart drug pushers that have a conscience from those who don't?

Those who don't call themselves "reps,".

A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.

Never knew he was a barber.

What do you call an alligator addicted to drugs?

A crackhead-ile

"Just say NO to drugs!"

Chances are, if I'm talking to drugs, I've probably already said 'yes'.

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I'm no drug addict but they still took me to the substance abuse department

All I said to my friend doctor was
"I'm a dick, Ted"

The other day, I read that 40 percent of teens have tried drugs in school...

That was a hard pill to swallow.

The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.

I mean, if you’re talking to them, it is probably to late to say no to them.

My drug dealer likes to tell jokes.

He really cracks me up.

A bunch of my friends have started taking drugs and I don't know what to do...

Should I give them a friend's discount or just charge them normal prices?

Duck walks into a drug store...

Duck asks, "please, can I have some chap stick?" Clerk asks, "will this be cash or charge?'.

Duck replies, "just put it on my bill".

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They say acid is a gateway drug..

But good luck getting to the fridge when there's a fucking dragon guarding it!

Why don’t Balloons do drugs?

Because they are afraid that the will get high and get busted

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

I just passed a drugs test at work.

Although I am happy to have kept my job, I'll be having words with my dealer.

Comedians tell better jokes when they’ve taken drugs.

It’s always funnier when they crack themselves up.

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A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.

He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears i...

Glue-sniffing drug addicts

A group of experienced glue-sniffers was teaching a newcomer to sniff glue.

But instead of sniffing the glue, the glue sniffer poured it into his mouth, and had to go to the hospital emergency room.

"Hey," reminded one of the glue-sniffers. "Don't expose our glue-sniffing group."
...

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The police be like "sir, please step out of the vehicle, we're looking for drugs"

No shit, me too... Let's go!

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There's a guy doing 60 in a 30 zone, so a policeman pulls him over Policeman says to driver: "I have reason to believe you've been doing drugs, sir." Driver replies: "Why, cos I'm black?!"

Policeman: "No, sir, cos you haven't got a fucking car."

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A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following ...

I used to do drugs

I still do, but I used to too

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!!

That sentence was way too long...

What is a drug lord’s bathroom called?

The powder room

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If someone offers you drugs, don't just say "no"...

... say "no thank you." Rude motherfucker.

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So a drug dealer is being raided..

The police storm in, securing all the rooms in the house. One kicks open the bathroom door and catches a guy standing next to the toilet with a baggie full of cocaine.

"Freeze, asshole!" The cop shouts, aiming his gun at the guy.

"Ok, ok. You got me" the guy says, "but you need to li...

Today i watched the news and saw that my nearest mechanic was a drug seller.

That's horrible, so many years being a client and only today i realized he could have repaired my car.

I applied for a job at a marijuana dispensary, and was surprised to learn that I would have to take a drug test.

I hope it's multiple choice. I tested meth, crack, *and* weed.

PSA: Posts related to illegal drugs will no longer be allowed.

We don't crack jokes here.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Just found out that my gym teacher got arrested for selling drugs, and I was pretty shocked to hear the news

I had no idea he was a gym teacher

I have a drug addiction.

I am addicted to oxygen, people keep telling me to quit but I just can’t live without it!

What is a ducks favourite drug?

Qrack.

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A guy was trafficking drugs hiding them in his testicles

The airport security dog started barking at the guy.
The cops grew suspicious. So they took him to he interrogation room and stripped him off his clothes.

The officer started checking this guy. As soon as he touched his testicles he felt he was onto something.

So he tried to break h...

My family told me I have a drug problem..

No, I don't have a problem with drugs? I love drugs!

If the Mexican Drug Cartel had a slogan

It would be "Putting the 'Juan' in 'Marijuana'"

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

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Wife: “Can you give the kids a talk on drugs?”

Husband: “Ok... but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high”

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My new employer asked me to take a drug test. I said "No, thanks."

"I'll pass."

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

What sort of drugs did Daffy Duck do during his career?

Quack cocaine.

Mom said drugs are my enemies..

But Christ said love your enemies.

Drug cartels have been turning to toilet paper instead of narcotics for profits

I guess you can say the crack has been wiped out clean.

What do you call the daughter of a drug addicted preacher?

Methany

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An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

That cop exploded saying “Do you know who the fuck I am ?! I have the authority of the government with me”, he shouted before pulling a badge out...

Methamphetamine was used widely by both axis and allied soldiers in WW2.

Making it the true War On Drugs.

I bet the tailor in a monastery is in popular demand - a bit like a drug dealer...

I mean, they're both habit-forming.

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Doctors in New York have come up with a cocktail of drugs to treat symptoms in patients with Coronavirus..

They’re calling it The Manhattan.

To stop kids from doing drugs, they should give the drugs less cool names.

If Ecstasy was called moist curdle, I can assure you that nobody would be interested in trying it!

Did you hear about the drug addicted duck?

It couldn’t stop getting high on quack

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This is an old joke my cousin told me. It never fails to make me smile :-)

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagno...

Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

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