I don't like people that take drugs.

Airport security, for example.

TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

My drug test came back negative..

My dealer has now got some explaining to do.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it

If I got ALL the money back that I spent on drugs and alcohol...

I'd buy drugs and alcohol.

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

My meth head friend told me drugs help him fit his whole day into a four hour period

"Take some more", I told him. "You could fit your whole life in one afternoon!"

What are ducks' drug of choice?

Quack

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A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."

The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: "Okay, just don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent exploded, exclaiming: "Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!"

"That may as well be," said the rancher, "But you'd bet...

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How is doing sexual favors for drugs like a boxing match?

They're both blow for blow

We’ve been fighting the war on drugs for years and we’re loosing.

I think we should try doing it sober.

The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.

I mean, if you’re talking to them, it is probably to late to say no to them.

Why did the drug dealer get kicked out of the play?

He never had his lines.

One night, I did an insane amount of drugs and ended up at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

Quitting drugs is easy...

I've done it like a thousand times.

What game does a drug addict play the most?

Need for speed.

What’s a mermaid’s favorite drug?

Seaweed

What do you call a Christian on drugs?

A methodist

Politicians have been fighting the war on drugs for a long time and it's obvious that they're losing.

Maybe they should try doing it sober instead.

Where do Aussies keep their drug stash?

Out back.

I used to do fine, then I started doing drugs.

Now I do morphine.

What's the tastiest drug gang?

MSG-13

What would goldfish be called if they were a street drug?

The crack that smiles back

Almost every Christopher Nolan movie have drugs in it, these drugs belong to Christopher Nolan

When Nolan Works on a movie he says "I want my cocaine in it".

So you know how people say "Say no to drugs"?

If I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.

Why did the drug addict suffer an overdose of cocaine?

Because he crossed the line...

Why did the police suspect the fish sold drugs?

Because they noticed he had a lot of small scales with him.

Humpty Dumpty was smoking some drugs

With a few gangstas and fairy tale thugs

Then all the King's men slapped them in cuffs

All because they had a few too many puffs

Drug store

The owner of a drug store walked into his store one day, only to notice a man leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner went over to his staff member behind the counter and asked them, “What’s wrong with that guy over there by the wall?”

The staff member replied, “Oh him – he came in h...

A local barber was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years

I never knew he was a barber

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What do you call a cocky Chinese person transporting drugs abroad?

Smug Lin.

What do you call a Scottish Muslim with a drug problem?

Amaff Maheed.

(Said in a Scottish Accent)

The way to solve the opioid problem is to legalize the drugs,

but only sell them through Comcast customer service.

Did you hear about the large yellow dog with a drug problem?

Turns out he was a Meth Lab

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition

What is an Asian persons drug of choice?

Mathamphetamine

Why can't recovering drug users bike anywhere?

Because they might be tempted to bike rack

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My girlfriend asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I told her yes.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

What's a ducks favourite drug?

Quack

Me: Sweet dog you got there

Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.

Me: Still in training, huh?

Policeman: What do you mean?

Me: Nevermind

I think I'm addicted to amnesia-inducing drugs

I don't know how it got like this.

Drugs may be that path to nowhere...

but at least it's the scenic route.

What is the new party drug in Mexico called?

Guacamolly.

A cop gets called out to a bar on suspicion of a man selling drugs in the bathroom

Upon arrival, the cop finds a man with a bag of cocaine in his hand about to flush it down the toilet. The cop stops him and asks him, “is this bag yours?”

The man replies “I’m sorry officer I swear someone handed me these and ran. I kept trying to flush them down the toilet but they keep app...

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I was at a party last night and got talking to a leading expert in the use of drugs in Sport.

He told me about a female Bulgarian athlete who had used so much steroids in the 70’s that she started to grow the beginnings of a penis.

“Anabolics?” I asked. “No” he said, “Just a penis”.

What do you called a duck that’s a drug addict

A Quack Head

Whats a diabetics drug of choice?

Diet coke

My uncle: a little bird told me you are doing drugs.

Me: you're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?

Some drug screens involve taking a strand of hair and analyzing it for illicit substances. It's called a follicle test.

Of course there are guys who try to beat that by shaving their head, but that doesn't work because the lab will just take a pubic hair instead. That's called the phallical test.

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note... ...I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, ...

What dose a cowboy drug addict say before doing heroin

“Rootin tootin ready for shootin”

I like you helping me in the kitchen, Kevin, but do you use drugs?

— No, mom, I swear!
— So, why you're cutting onions with the credit card?

My submission for a new drug name was rejected by big pharma. I don't know why.

'Dyquickr' is a perfectly good name for a cholesterol lowering medication.

Man goes to meet his drug dealer,

He asks him if he has anything to fix his stiff joints.

The dealer gives him his usual baggie of weed and says " Don't roll them so hard next time"

How are drug addicts executed in Saudi?

Stoned.

I think it's really shameful how people criticize Lance Armstrong for taking drugs, the man won 7 Tour De France's on them.

When I'm on drugs, I can't even *find* my bike.

Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

Newsflash: A Barber gets arrested for drug possession.

An acquaintance says, "I've known this guy for years, and I didn't know he was a barber."

What bank do drug testing companies prefer to use?

PNC

I'm new to drug jokes

But I'll take a crack at it

What mythical monster of the sea clucks while going on drug enduced rampages?

The crack-hen.

Me and my friend made a bank account just to save up for drugs

I call it 'joint' account

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

What's it called when a drug dealer tests his products?

A business trip.

I had a drug test at work today. It came back negative

My dealer has some explaining to do

I refuse to give money to homeless people. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.

It was reported some of the bands performing tonight like to hide drugs in there drums.

But don't worry, we've taken the proper percussions

Why did the duck go to drug dealer

Quack

(Yea I know it’s terrible but I’m at the park and I just saw some ducks, so yea)

Our Business is implementing random drug testing...

I'm OK with doing most of them but I'm kinda nervous about trying Crack.

I just watched a documentary on drugs

I think all documentaries should be watched this way

A barber in my area got arrested for being a drug dealer.

I was his client for many years, and I had no clue that he was a barber.

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

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During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.

‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom....

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[OC] After area 51 raid, Joe drugged and took an alien to his home. When the drug worn off, Joe saw the alien walking towards him with a massive boner and he asked Joe in perfect English with a seducing voice "Who are you, sexy thing"?

Joe replied... Sapien.. No homo

What do you call a blind person with a nose that is sensitive enough to smell drugs?

Happily employed.

What do you call a sniffer dogs team that is unable to find drugs?

Can'tnine squad

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.

The price is 25 cents per condom, so he buys 4. When he checks out, the pharmacist says, "That will be $1.08."

In confusion the guy says, "Wait, they're 25 cents each so it should be a dollar, so why the additional 8 cents?"

The pharmacist says, "Well, it’s a dollar for the condom...

The rich elite have been accused of hiding the existence of a breakthrough drug for eternal youth.

Its been dubbed the "the secret agen't"

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I used to smuggle drugs into other countries using my butt.

If I didn't do it, some other asshole would.

A local dentist was just arrested for dealing drugs.

To say I was surprised would be an understatement. I’ve been going to him for ten years and never knew he was a dentist.

Why are drug addicts the most cultural?

They're always on a trip

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In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name.

Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

Who called El Chapo "Drug lord"

...and not "His Royal Highness"?

What kind of bee drugs you and steals your money?

A Cardi B

What is the only thing a French drug dealer sells?

Oui-d

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As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and butterflies in my stomach.

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

A man smoked drugs, played the piaono, and died.....

Needless to say, it ended on a high note.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer today

Isnt it funny what you can find in pharmacies' gift/novelty shops?

My drug dealer is a renowned comedian

He cracks me up

What subject do drug dealers excel at?

Methematics

What do postmodernists and drugs have in common?

They both make you see things that aren’t there.

What do you call a crocodile on drugs?

You call it a crackodile. (I’m sorry)

What drug causes the most proposals?

Marry-Wanna?

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

So shespends $ 15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happ...

I think I've found the local drug dealer.

He's always standing around with these big sunglasses on.

I just feel sorry that his dog always has to witness that life too.

I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

What do you call a person who robs a drug store?

A pillager

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The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you...

I'm working on a rap song about Drugs and Money

It's called "I can't afford that insulin"

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