The 101+ Best Drug Jokes

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs.....''

I said "I'm on drugs? you're the one talking to dogs."

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

"We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given."

I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"

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Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use the...

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they will throw b...

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

My drug test came back negative.

My drug dealer has some explaining to do.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.

"You've tested positive for opiates." The doctor said.

The man quickly replied: "Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier."

"Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine."

"...It was an everything bagel."

I think my girlfriend's a secret drug dealer

I just answered her phone, and this man said "is that dope still there?"

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What's the best drug to have sex on?

Birth control

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?

They know what grams are.

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A young guy goes into a drug store owned by two spinster sisters.

He awkwardly says to the one lady at the pharmacy counter, "Um, this is embarrassing but I have this condition where about once a day I become incredibly aroused and overcome by the desire to have sex with any woman at all. It's overwhelming! What can you give me for it?"

"Hmm," replied the l...

What drugs do ducks do?

Qwack cocaine

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?

Enough to kill two and half men.

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Not to brag, but we did a lot experiments with drugs, sex, and alcohol when I was in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

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My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

Two of the wealthiest men in the world suffer from ED. They team up to make a new drug and call it...

Elongates

I don’t like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I can prove it to you if you want me to."

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
...

Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs

I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas

A duck walks into the drug store

A duck walks into the drug store and asks for a pack of condoms.

Druggist says: "would you like me to put that on your bill?"

Duck says: "nah, I'm not into that weird stuff".

The Matrix in reverse is the story of a guy who quit drugs and got a job

Convince me otherwise

Twenty years ago, my friend made a website where you compare getting high from different drugs.

It was the original trip advisor.

How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

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What is the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

What kind of drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean."

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack."

The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, co...

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Bill complained to his friend that his elbow hurt, so his friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything.

He said ''Just insert a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he inserted the sam...

I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

Random Drug search

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look m...

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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of...

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For class today, I brought in a drug addict to show kids the adverse effects of drugs.

This man was a real mess. He would use coffee as a stimulant throughout the day, alcohol to alleviate his anxieties, sweets for his depression, TikTok to get dopamine hits, and shitty TV at night to mindlessly pacify him.

When I was younger I struggled with a serious drug problem

These days I have a much more reliable dealer.

Not to brag, but I aced the drug test at work today.

Nobody got higher than me.

I said to my wife “You are my drug”

She said: “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”

I replied: “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”

I hate people that take drugs..

Especially police and customs.

I hate people who take drugs...

specifically the DEA and US Customs.

‘Just say NO to drugs!’

Well… If I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes…

What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

We had random drug testing at work today.

The pcp was my favourite.

What kind of shoes commonly fail drug tests?

High heels

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
...

I store drugs right under my nose

Don't believe me? Check my stash

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Why doesn't Mike Tyson do drugs?

Cause that shit will meth up your life.

What’s a ducks drug of choice?

Quack

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A washed up actor, a drug addict, and a sexual predator walk into a bar

Andy Dick finally found one he hasn't been kicked out of.

A dentist in my town just got arrested for selling drugs!

It's amazing what secrets people can keep. I've been going to him for over ten years and I never knew he was a dentist!

We've got to do something about drugs in highschools.

The prices these kids are setting are getting way out of hand.

I drink alcohol without hesitation, but drugs,

…drugs is where I draw the line.

Did you hear about that new video game where you play a baker who's addicted to drugs?

It's called "Knead for Speed".

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete.

Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.

After several visits to the doctor's I've finally been referred to rehab for spending all my days smoking drugs and looking up jokes about cheese.

Hopefully I can kick my addiction to meth and feta memes.

I have a drug problem.

I can't find any.

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs?

They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.

People who drug their farm animals

should get off their high horse.

My mom embarassed me me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer"

I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"

Death of a drug dealer

A drug dealer was shot in cold blood for simply saying,

"We don't have that. Is Pepsi okay?"

What's the difference between a drug dealer and Bill Cosby?

When you meet a dealer in a secluded area, you have to pay for the drugs.

What does a frugal knitter have in common with a drug addict?

They don't mind using a secondhand needle

I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom

Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.

I feel bad for people who have to take drugs to go crazy.

Whenever I wanna go crazy I just stop taking mine.

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Two Teenage Boys Were Arrested For Doing Drugs

When they went to court, the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month.

Th...

Medusa is the best drug dealer

One look and I'm stoned

I think I've found the local drug dealer.

He's always standing around with these big sunglasses on.

I just feel sorry that his dog always has to witness that life too.

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

Car pulls up. Guy rolls the window down. "You got any coke?" Me: "Is Pepsi OK?" Dude shot me in the leg.

My college roommate had this weird habit of yelling at his drugs before he consumed them.

It wasn’t nice… to witness substance abuse.

What do you call a Navy Admiral who gambles, smokes, drinks and does drugs?

a Vice Admiral

A person doing a survey called me and asked, “What’s your position on drugs?”

Me: Usually slumped on a beanbag chair.

If the war on drugs was a literal war...

How many of you would shoot heroin?

I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

What do politicians, drug addicts and birds have in common?

They all have friends in high places.

what do you call a transformer that gets pulled over for drugs?

Methamis Prime.

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BREAKING: A new drug is being trialled to increase semen output.

More to come.

A homeless man was asking me for the £20 note in my pocket, I thought to myself, do I really want this money to be spent on drugs?

The answer was no so I gave him the twenty

If a drug lord created a chocolate brand, what would it be called

EscoBARS

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I gave up drinking, smoking, drugs and sex all at the same time

It was the scariest 3 minutes of my life!

There was a random drug test at my workplace the other day.

Fortunately, mine came out clean.

But my dealer has some explaining to do.

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
"Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said.
"I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great."
"Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stu...

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

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How do you know a stripper is on drugs?

You can see her crack.

Why should you never do drugs three times in one night?

Over dos.

Mitch Hedberg used to do a lot of drugs

Now he is dead.

What do you call a police dog that's on drugs?

a cocanine

Two reasons I don't give money to homeless people. 1) They are going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol

2) I am going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol.

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A teacher asks children to name some drug names...

Sally stands up and says ”Paracetamol, its for pain relief”

Julie stands up and says “Aspirin , it helps you focus”

Jimmy stands up and says “Viagra”!

The teacher replies saying “Jimmy, how do you know that? What does that drug do?”

Jimmy replies “ Viagra is for diarrhea ...

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