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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

A bus load of Senior citizens were traveling to a casino. Halfway into the trip, a little old lady walked up to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus.

The driver told her he would check it out at the Casino. So she went back to her seat and sat down. Five minutes later a second little old lady walked to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus ... Since this was the second complaint in five minutes, he thought he had ...

I tripped in France

Eiffel over

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I took a trip to the sperm clinic today...

A lady asked me if I'd like to masterbate in the cup. I told her I'm pretty good at it but I'm not sure if I'm ready to be competing in tournaments.

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose and managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two lads objected strongly:

"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take the...

Trip to the zoo

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, sleeveless pink spring dress with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one ha...

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A big trip to the mountains with married women and their mothers-in-law was organized. They would go there by separate busses (the women in one bus and the mothers-in-law in another).

During the trip to the mountains, the bus carrying the mothers-in-law had a flat tire. Suddenly the bus driver lost control and the bus fell off the mountain, at least a couple thousand meters downhill. No chance anyone in that bus survived it. Obviously all of the women started cheering up, startin...

A father had promised his two young sons he would take them on a fishing trip

The boys were digging for fishing bait in their parents' garden. Uncovering a many legged creature, one of the boys proudly dangled it before his Father.

"No, son, he won't do for bait" his Father said. "He's not an earthworm".

"He's not?" the boy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet i...

For the first time this year I didn't go in a European trip due to coronavirus

Every year I don't go because of money

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip?

Oregon

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My mum got drunk and told me I was conceived while camping and tripping on LSD

She told me it was fucking in tents

Two friends are on a hunting trip.

One gets attacked by a bear. The other hunter calls a doctor.

"Hello?" the doctor asks.

The hunter replies, "Help, my friend has been attacked by a bear! What do I do?"

"Well, make sure he's dead," the doctor says.

The doctor then hears a gunshot over the line.

The...

Three Guys Go On a Skiing Trip...

Three guys go on a skiing trip but can only find a cabin with one bed, so they all decide to sleep together.

The next morning:

Guy on the right, “I had the strangest dream last night that somebody gave me a handjob.”

Guy on the left, “ I also had the strangest dream that somebod...

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I once tripped down an escalator.

I was there for 3 fucking days

I was making breakfast for my kids and I tripped. I fell onto a hot iron.

It was waffle

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If your sexual experience would be reviewed in trip advisor style, what would it be?

Be the first to give a review

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A man recieves $500 for his birthday and decides to make a trip to his local brothel.

He walks inside the establishment and informs the madam that is is his birthday, so she offers him the birthday special. He hands over $250 and heads up the stairs entering the first room, to find a very attractive woman laying spread eagle on the bed.

Impressed by what the establishment has...

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

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A long strange trip

So a professor gets on a bus and the only other passenger is a farmer man. The professor, who takes a seat by this farmer starts chatting to him and they get to know each other a little bit. The professor says while they are talking “I’m pretty smart, and I know a lot of things and this trip will ta...

A bus load of blind people were on a day trip and the bus driver starts getting tired...

He says to the blind people, "I'm pretty knackered. I'm going to stop at the next pub for a bite to eat and a drink, what are you all going to do?"

One of them replies, "No worries, we'll have a little game of football." "Football?!" The driver cries, "But you're all blind!"

The blind...

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.

They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday.

Ce...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are mil...

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Two guys on a camping trip

It's a calm night, the moon is gently lighting the hills.

3 AM. Suddenly the tent starts shaking. One of the guys turn the light on and ask to the other:

- What are you doing? Are you masturbating?
- Yes
- So use your own dick please

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

Just had an email from Trip Advisor.

They recommend LSD.

I don't trip,

I just periodically check to make sure gravity still works.

Wife: Honey, I'm going on a business trip to London.

....What gift do you want?


.

.

.

.

.

.

Husband: A British girl would be nice.

Wife: Okay.

*Wife completes her trip and returns home.*

Husband: So did you bring me a British girl?

Wife: Yeah.

Husband: Where is she...

A trip to Paris

Rufus, a furniture dealer from St Catherine, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.  To celebrate t...

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A man goes on a business trip to Japan...

The night before his important meeting he decides to unwind with a hooker. As he's banging away, she screams "Nakamushi! Nakamushii!" not speaking much Japanese he assumes this is a complement to his outstanding performance.

His meeting the next day goes well and he's invited to play golf wi...

Why is it you have to take multiple baptists on a fishing trip?

Because if you take one, he’ll drink all your beer.

Where do bees stop to use the bathroom on road trips?

The BP station.

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A blind dude took a trip to Germany,

Call that shit not-see Germany

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A Trip To The Doctor

A man is sitting in an examination room when his Doctor walks in reading his chart.

"Sir, I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." Says the Doctor.

"WHAT!?! WHY!?!" Exclaims the man.

The Doctor looks up and says "Because I'm trying to read this chart and you're dis...

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After weeks of preparation, I was ready to begin my trip across the world to Sydney.

I prepared my luggage, boarded the plane, and after 17 hours I was in Australia. I rented a car, drove a while, and at long last I saw a sign that said "SYDNEY LEFT". "Well shit," I said, so I packed up my stuff and went back home.

I was on a camping trip when the coronavirus outbreak was announced. To try to stop the spread, we stayed in our tents all day. I guess you could say,

the camping trip was in tents.

Billy’s parents were about to leave for a business trip

They told Billy he would be staying at his grandma’s house for the week and they dropped him off on their way to the airport. Once his parents’ car had left the driveway, Billy started sobbing intensely.
His grandma asked “Billy, what’s wrong? Are you homesick?”
Billy replied “No. I’m heresic...

I witnessed my wife trip and drop all the laundry.

She got red with embarassment and said: "Did you see that?"

I said: "I watched it all unfold."

After getting a huge bonus at work, I used it to fund my parents' trip to a beach resort in the Caribbean.

They spent a week enjoying the son's raise.

A few weeks ago my sister took a trip to Italy

Looking back, that was a Sicily decision

An astronaut scheduled for a launch to the space station thought the world was starting to get too chaotic, so he brought a computer keyboard with him on his trip

Now everything is back under control.

^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry.

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I tripped over my sister's bra

It was a booby trap.

One guy, "Have you been on a trip recently?"

Another guy, "Yes, three in fact. Last month I fell over a sidewalk while really high in Barcelona."

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A man goes on a business trip to Japan

In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting:
##Hasimota! Hasimota!
Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few...

RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our com...

Field Trip

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children t...

A trip to the zoo

Mom: Did you have a good time at the zoo today, Junior?

Junior: Yes I did. Dad liked it too. Especially when one of the animals came in at twenty-to-one!

Our Earth Science Class took a fieldtrip to a place where scientists drill through sedimentary rocks for specimens of local strata, but I didn't really enjoy the trip.

It was just boring.

Why can't orphans go on field trips?

Parent Signature:_______________

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip...

They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. “You forgot to account for wind, give it he...

Just got back from a pleasure trip.

I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

A man and his wife are on a business trip

A man and his wife where on a business trip. It was supposed to only take 1 day, and they expected to be home that night, but it took longer than expected and tired of a long day having a meeting, they decide to stay in a hotel and return the next day.

They slept well and the next morning, th...

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A kid gets back from his field trip to the zoo where his dad is at the school waiting for him

Dad - “hey son how was your trip”

Son - “it was so cool I got chased by a lion”

Dad - “omg son what happened”

Son - “I saw it chasing some so I ran as fast as I could”

Dad - “and then what happened”

Son - “right as it was catching up, it slipped!”

Dad ...

A white man visits a rural tribe in Africa

A white man wants to take the trip of a lifetime, and decides on a trip to Africa. He is in a go nowhere job, with no friends or family, and is feeling down. He quits his job and decides to travel to a remote area, far from civilization. He does not like the touristy vibe that some places give off, ...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

A former student of a Geology professor at a major University returned one day to give the professor a gift of a unique soil sample he had collected from a river while on a trip....

To which the professor replied, "I appreciate the sediment"

A man goes on a business trip to Liverpool. He has to make a long journey by taxi.

During the journey, the driver decides to break the monotony and says to the man, “Do you like riddles?”


“Oh yes,” says the man, “I think so.”


“OK,” says the taxi driver. “Try this one: ‘Brothers and sisters have I none, but this man’s father is my father’s son.’ Who is it?...

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The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

A politician makes a trip to a village

A politician visited a village and asked villagers what their needs were.

"We have two basic needs honorable Sir", replied the villager leader.

"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor."

On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told ...

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An Elderly British Couple Takes a Trip to Australia

After seeing the beaches and tourist attractions they decided to rent a car to go and see the Outback. They ask the man at the rental car counter if it's a pleasant drive, and he assures them that it is beautiful and they'll have a lovely time.

After several hours the couple storm into the r...

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused on my trip to Japan

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!”

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bod...

I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . .

That's when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.

On a business trip to S.Korea

I ordered a Corona last night, the waiter had a Chinese guy come out of the kitchen and cough on me, I think there was something lost in translation.

How do you organize a trip to space?

Planet

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Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting

She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before.

She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early.

The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was na...

I was on a trip in Africa when I was asked to rate the tour guide.

To which I responded “Safaris pretty good.”

TWO men go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment.

The reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. The first day that they go fishing, they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their holiday, one of the ...

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A husband comes home after a week long trip.

He tells his wife "I want you so much after this trip"
He brings her to their bed and they have loud sex all night long.
At some point, the neighbor bang on the wall and screams "Shut up ! It's been 8 days like that, I can't take it anymore !"

So Pete, Joe, and Dave are planning their desert hiking/camping trip.

Dave ask Pete what he was bringing.

"Well, my tent, lil cooker, some water and a bottle of Irish whiskey... in case of rattlesnakes."

Dave ask Joe what he was bringing. "Water, sunscreen, my pack, extra socks and a bottle of Scotch whiskey... in case of rattlesnakes."

The two ot...

A llama went on a trip

But he wanted to bring his brother Carl

Carl was excited and said, "Don't worry about food; alpaca lunch"

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

Three professors are on a hunting trip

After hours of trudging through the woods, they spot their first game of the day: a deer sleeping soundly in the middle of a clearing.

The first one, a physicist, takes out his notebook and uses the equations of motion to aim his rifle at the perfect angle. Bang! His bullet whizzes past the d...

I recently walked down a street where the homes were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1024K

It was a trip down memory lane

A man was on a business trip in Paris

He goes to well known brothel and has the best time of his life. He goes out after, lights a cigarette and after a while he spits on the pavement.
A policeman passing by sees him spitting so he stops and tells him: 'You can't do this here, you are in Paris. I am sorry but you have to pay a 50€ f...

I tripped over a box of Kleenex this morning and thought I had broken my ankle.

Thankfully, it was just soft tissue damage.

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Trump, a Hindu, and a Jew go on a road trip...

Trump, a Hindu, and a Jew go on a cross-country road trip.

They stop at a farmer's house for the night and the hospitable old man lets them stay. However, the farmer's house only has two extra beds, so one person has to sleep in the barn.

The Jew offers to take the barn. "My people hav...

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A man on a business trip in Spain decides to go to a bull fight.

After the event, he stops in to the little restaurant next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants, he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.

The other customer starts eating what appear to be two large meatballs with great gusto. W...

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I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

Why wasn’t the fungus invited on the road trip?

Because there wasn’t mushroom.

Please don’t blame my seven year old for this, it was written by an adult.

A penguin is going on a cross country trip

when suddenly his car starts making a bad sound. The penguin decides to bring it into a shop to get it looked at. While his car is getting looked at he notices and ice cream shop across the street and decides to grab a scoop of ice cream. When the penguin comes back to the shop to check on his car t...

A young couple got tired of the cold weather and decided to take a trip down to Florida.

But because their work schedules didn't work together, it was decided that the husband would fly down first, with the wife following the next day. When the husband arrived in Florida, he decided to send an email to his wife, but unknowingly sent it to the wrong email. Meanwhile, in a different town,...

I recently took a relaxing trip to the south pole

It was very catharctic

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A Baptist preacher, a Methodist preacher, and a Presbyterian preacher lived in the same small town.

The three were of similar age, and over the years, they and their wives became friends. All three retired within a few months of each other, and decided to rent an RV to drive across the country. Only a few days into the trip, they were in a horrible accident that killed all six of them.

The...

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I just saw my wife trip and fall over with the basket of clothes she just ironed.

I watched it all unfold.

So I was out Christmas shopping earlier today, decided to stop in at the local garden section to pick out some succulents for my wife, tripped over a hose and ended up falling into the Aloe Vera.

Hurt like hell, but healed very quickly.

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I like sex just like school trips.

With consent.

A Chinese, French, and an Italian guy all go to a field trip

They stumble upon a witch that shows them a mirror.

"This is a magic mirror" says the witch. "Tell it the truth, and you shall win fortunes. But if you dare to lie, you will vanish."

The French goes first, and says: "I think my language is the most beautiful language in the world". And...

Did you hear about the lawyer that got lost on a camping trip with one of his clients?

He was found with criminal in-tent.

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I was sitting at the bar by myself on a business trip over in Scotland...

...and there was an older gentleman all by himself at the end of the bar. I didn’t know anyone there, the bartender wasn’t too friendly so I stood up, walked over to the man to start up a conversation. I asked the bartender for a couple of pints and sat down next to the man.

“Hi there” I sai...

Donald Trump visits Israel for information.

During a trip through Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him:

"You can have him sent home for $ 50,000, or buried here in the Holy Land for just $ 100."The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. Th...

Three married businessmen meet for their annual camping trip.

As they see each other only this time of the year, they have a lot to talk about. On their last day in the woods, the men decide to go for a little walk. Suddenly, they hear someone whimper. They follow the noise to a well and with combined efforts, they rescue a little fairy from its ground.
...

On a road trip, I remember passing a sign that said ‘Rest Stop 1 Mile’.

I thought to myself, “Wow, that’s really big.”

I met a time traveler today

Something strange happened to me this morning. I was walking my dog, when all of a sudden I heard a strange whooshing sound and out of nowhere a guy appeared on the side walk in front of me. He looked like he was in his twenties and was wearing really strange cloths. He was staring at a small techni...

What did the farmer say when he was invited on a short-notice trip?

Alpaca bag

A man's car breaks down outside of a monastery.

A man is driving home from a buisness trip. As he has a pretty low paying job, he doesn't have the best of cars.

After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery.

Unfortunately his car breaks down right in front of the monastery.

Being a man of God, he obviously figures...

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

What did the dad say to his family after asking if anyone needed to go to the bathroom before they left on a trip?

“Speak now or forever hold your pees”

My wife emailed me the pictures of our first trip together, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

Fishing

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B#tch!'

'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

'No, Father, that's...

My uncle got rich the American way

He tripped over things and sued people.

A cop is speeding on the highway when he notices in his rear view mirror that he is being followed by an old lady.

Going over 100 mph, he realizes the civilian's car is going way too fast and needs to slow down. The cop begins to decelerate and the car follows suit. Eventually, the cop pulls over and the car pulls over as well. An old lady comes out of the car and stumbles up to the cop's window, almost tripping...

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Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

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A boy and a Catholic priest go on a fishing trip

The priest catches a large fish.

Boy: *"Look at that bastard!"*
Preacher: *"Watch your language!"*
Boy: *"Sorry father, it's called a Bastard fish".*
Preacher: *Chuckles and says "that's OK then".*

The preacher takes the fish back to the church and hands it to the Bish...

I just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster

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A successful bussinessman has a work trip coming up and hes worried that his beautiful girlfriend will cheat on him when he is gone

So he goes to the best sex shop in town and starts looking through the toys. He sees dildos but doesn't feel they'll do the trick. He sees vibrators but also doesnt feel safe, so he goes to the owner. He asks for the best sex toy available. The owner goes to the back of the shop and gets a wooden bo...

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My wife left her bra on the floor of our bedroom. It almost killed me when I tripped over it this morning.

Stupid boobie traps.

Putin on a trip.

Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked:

Agent: age?

Putin: 66

Agent: occupation?

Putin: not this time, just visiting.

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'...

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three lawyers all bough tickets and watched as the three engineers bought one single ticket between them. "How are you three people going to
travel on a single ticket?" asked a lawyer. 'Wait and watch,' answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The
lawyers took t...

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A rabbit and a bear find a genie in the woods

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods when they trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out of the lamp and stops them both. He says, “I don’t know who called me out so I’ll give you each three wishes.”

The bear and rabbit both start thinking about their wishes and the bear looks at the...

I tripped over my shoelaces one day and got arrested.

I guess it was a felony.

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A king was skeptical of his wife cheating on him with one of the generals, so before his out of the country trip

He inserts a razor blade in her vagaina. After his return to the kingdom,2 weeks later, he has all of his generals line up and orders them to pull down their pants. All of them had a cut besides one general.

The king says to the general " you're my most loyal general, all these people have ...

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

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I won a trip to a Party in Space.

The food and beer was good.

The atmosphere was Crap.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

“We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the...

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I'm trying to prevent a trip to see my in-laws in China from happening.

So I'll just say "Fuck the Chinese Government" right here.

That should do.

In North Pole, Santa broke his hip after tripping on one of his little helpers.

Said his wife: "You only have your elf to blame."

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Voodoo dildo

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the shopkeeper that he'll be going on a trip soon. He tells the shopkeeper that his wife is very sexually active, and to keep her happy he wants to get her something to keep herself busy. The shopkeeper goes to the backroom and brings the man a box. The shopkeep...

You've been warned

A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor.
"Is that the dog we're supposed to be aware of?" he asks the owner.
"That's him," comes the reply.
"He doesn't look at all dangerous to me. Why would you post t...

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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom....

A man and his wife take a trip to Jerusalem.

The wife has a heart attack and passes away.
One of the local crematoriums offers to cremate and encase his wife in a vase for $500. The alternative would be to fly her back home to be buried/cremated for $10,000s of dollars.
The man chooses to send her home.
One of the crem. Folk asked ...

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The Queen of England take a diplomatic trip to the United States....

While there, she visits one of New York's best hospitals. As she is being shown around the hospital by a doctor, she comes across a man furiously masturbating in the hallway. The queen turns beet red and exclaims, "Doctor! Do you see what that man is doing?" The doctor looks then very nonchalantly s...

The waiter had a spoon in his pocket

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw t...

A penguin was taking a summer road trip...

A penguin was taking a summer road trip in the American Southwest when his car broke down and he got a tow to the nearest shop. The mechanic told him it would take an hour to check his car, so the penguin waddled across the street to an ice cream shop and ordered a vanilla cone, which he made a huge...

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