A lawer, a surgeon, and a janitor are going on a camping trip...

when they discover a magical wizard. He says, "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The lawyer says, "Easy! I'll be a kindergarten teacher! How hard can it be to read to a bunch of little kids?" He gets transported into a classroom. He starts off stron...

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A husband comes home after a week long trip.

He tells his wife "I want you so much after this trip"
He brings her to their bed and they have loud sex all night long.
At some point, the neighbor bang on the wall and screams "Shut up ! It's been 8 days like that, I can't take it anymore !"

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The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

My wife is amazing

She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!

Putin on a trip.

Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked:

Agent: age?

Putin: 66

Agent: occupation?

Putin: not this time, just visiting.

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

My friend couldn't stop talking about her Vietnam trip.

She was really hannoying.

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I got in trouble at high school for masturbating in the showers...

Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

Our school for dyslexia took a trip to an insect museum.

It wasn't quite what we expected, but our tour guide from Alabama treated us like family.

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[NSFW] so, this guy is going on a business trip,

and he doesn't want his wife to get horny and not have anyone to help, so he decides to get her a little gift. he heads on down to a sex shop, and he's looking at the dildos. "too short. too think. ... WAY too big.." so he goes up to the clerk and asks "hey, you have anything really special?" the cl...

A trip to Brasil

[ An employee returning from his vacation is talking to his boss ]


So, how was your trip to Rio de Janeiro?

*It sucked. The entire country is just soccer and hookers.*

My wife's from Brasil.

*Oh... What team does she play for?*

A penguin was taking a summer road trip...

A penguin was taking a summer road trip in the American Southwest when his car broke down and he got a tow to the nearest shop. The mechanic told him it would take an hour to check his car, so the penguin waddled across the street to an ice cream shop and ordered a vanilla cone, which he made a huge...

Four guys are driving on a long road trip. It's the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere.

The guy from Idaho takes out a sack of potatoes and starts throwing them out the window one by one.

"What the hell are you doing?", someone asks. "Look, we've got so many potatoes in Idaho. I mean, we're overflowing with them. So whenever I travel I'm supposed to get rid of as many as I can....

How do you organize a trip from the Earth to Mars with your friends?

You planet

I recently went on one of those once in a lifetime trips.

I'll tell you what, never again.

I once went on a trip to the North Pole

It all went south from there.

Two hunters are on a trip...

...when suddenly, one of them clutches his chest. He coughs, he wheezes, then he falls over. Panicked, the other hunter takes out his cellphone and calls 911. He explains the situation:
"I'm hunting with a friend of mine and I'm afraid he's just had a heart attack. I think he's dead. What can ...

Four students are on a road trip

They completely forget about their test, and they haven't studied at all whatsoever. They ask to make a deal with the professor, and come up with an excuse for not revising.

They would say that their car was extremely muddy and a tyre had a puncture and they couldn't change it, and could not ...

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A successful bussinessman has a work trip coming up and hes worried that his beautiful girlfriend will cheat on him when he is gone

So he goes to the best sex shop in town and starts looking through the toys. He sees dildos but doesn't feel they'll do the trick. He sees vibrators but also doesnt feel safe, so he goes to the owner. He asks for the best sex toy available. The owner goes to the back of the shop and gets a wooden bo...

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Two men are planning to take a trip to Russia

"Now, when we're there, remember that in Russia it's culturally inappropriate to be gay."

"You mean happy or homosexual?"

"Yes"

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

SON: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

Im going to Chernobyl but the trip costs an arm and a leg

Thankfully by the time I get back I will have a few to spare

The blonde hunting trip

A brunette, a Indian, and a blonde going on a hunting trip. the Indian goes out and comes back with a big buck, the brunette and the blonde asked "how did you get the buck?" The Indian says "I see deer track, I follow deer track, I shoot deer." so the brunette goes out and comes back with a huge ...

What did the plank say to his father while they were on their fishing trip?

Dad, I'm board.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

“We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the...

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Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

If you ever want to cause an ant to have a psychedelic trip, feed it Tums

Because it’s antacid.

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A man goes on a long business trip NSFW

While he is away he is worried his wife will miss him. To prevent this he takes a trip to his local adult store. Having never been there the vast assortment of adult toys takes him by surprise, not knowing what to get, the man approaches the shopkeep and explains his situation. The man smiles and...

A dad takes his children on a trip outside the US for the first time...

He looks at his kids and says "remember this moment. It is a huge kilometer-stone in your lives.

Jack and Dan are on a camping trip in the woods, when Dan passes out

Jack calls the Ambulance and reports the accident

The Ambulance tells him, " Make sure he is actually dead'

Jack leaves the phone and the Ambulance hear a shot

Jack says, "Now what?"

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

I took a road trip to Alaska.

I took a trip to Alaska and stopped at a resort that lets you rent out gold pans that let you sort out gold in their river. They let you keep what you find.

Excited, I go out to find some plunder. I sat there searching for hours, and I couldn’t find a single speck.

When I walked into ...

An old man always leaves his fishing trips with tons of fish.

-my recently deceased grandpa told this all his life-


The game warden always asked him “How’d you catch so many fish?”

The old man would always say “Fisherman’s secret, can’t tell you.”

After about a year of asking, the old man finally agrees to take him fishing. As the two ...

Bob, a hunter, went on camping trip with his wife, kids, and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the forrest, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Bob picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a...

Hunting Trip

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

Holiday trip to Alcatraz

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.


Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them...

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Trip to the Doctor

My wife just returned home from her doctor visit. I asked,how did it go. She proudly said that the Doctor told her she had the breasts of a 20yr old. I said, what did he say about your 70yr old ass? She said, he didn’t mention you.

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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom....

Trip advisor

When you think about it, 'Hotel California' is just a bad 'Trip Advisor' review with a three minute guitar solo.

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A Panda Bear wins a free trip to NYC....

This Giant Panda boards his flight from China and after a long flight he arrives in New York. He decides to do some tourist stuff and go sightseeing. As he is walking down the crowded and busy streets of NYC, so many people are taking photos and selfies with him. The panda is feeling like a rocksta...

The company sent my department on a work trip

The last night before heading back home, we decided to play a prank to one of our colleges - we put a pack of condoms in his suitcase. When he got home, his wife started unpacking his stuff, and found our "gift". Without skipping a beat, he explained: "We were all given pack of condoms when we arriv...

A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road...

At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right.

After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown ...

For our recent field trip, our teacher told us that jeans were appropriate, but we weren’t allowed to wear pairs with holes in them.

I still don’t know how we’re supposed to get the darn things on!

A golfing trip

There were two men named John and Bill who were going on a golfing trip for the weekend. They packed their bags and set away on the long drive. On their way there, they ran into some heavy weather. So they stopped by a farm, and they asked the attractive woman who answered the door if they could sta...

What's the best way to win a free trip to Central America?

Apply for asylum in the US

Three guys go on a skiing trip together.

When they get to the ski lodge there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, “Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job.”

The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up, and sa...

Donald Trump claimed his trips to Mar-a Lago didn’t cost the taxpayers anything.

He paid for them with Frequent Liar miles.

(Thanks, father in law)

A man comes home early from a business trip on a Friday morning and find his wife in bed with one of his friends

He shoots and kills both of them and goes to prison. A few days later one of his other friends goes to visit him in jail and his buddy says, “Hey man, it could have been worse!”

The man says, “Could of been worse?!? I’m in jail about to be on death row and in the electric chair. How in the he...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awakens and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”



Watson replies, “I see millions and millions of stars.”



“What doe...

Why did the conjoined twins take a trip to England?

So the other one could drive.

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike?

“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.” “Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.” “That is the truth,” the boy replied.

“Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom.
He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

On a trip to Russia.

4 Americans spys find themselves in a sleeper cabin on a train to Moscow. One of the men thought it would be funny to play a trick on the other three. He goes out to the tea cart and asks for 4 cups of tea to be delivered to his cabin in 10 minutes.

Returning to his cabin, he spoke to his bun...

A Christian goes on a hunting trip...

He sits in his tree stand all day and sees nothing.

As he climbs out of his deer stand he slips and rolls down a large hill breaking both his legs, losing his rifle in the process.

As he lays in pain at the bottom of the hill he hears a grunting. He looks up to see a massive Grizzly lu...

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George Bush meets with the Queen of England during his first diplomatic trip to England.

Impressed by the way her government functions, he asks her during their meal : “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Bush frown...

An American is on a business trip to Mexico and has the first day off.

He decides he wants to ride a donkey, a traditional Mexican thing.

He asks this local man if he can rent a donkey for the day. The man says, "Gringo we call them asses here in Mexico. If you want him to stop though you need to scratch him." The American agrees and pays the Mexican man his ...

Weed Joke for 4/20

Don't walk on the grass. Trip on it

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are taking a road trip.

A cop pulls them over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"


"No, but I know exactly where I am." Heisenberg replies.



The cop says "You were doing 60 in a 35." Heisenberg throws his hands up and yells "Great, and now I'm lost!"
<...

What happens when water trips over?

Waterfall

A man calls home to his brother while on a trip.

The man asks, "How's my cat?"

The brother says, "Right after you left, the cat got out, ran into the street and was killed by a passing car."

The man says, "that's a hard way to break that news to me. I wish you had prepared me for it instead of just blurting it out like that."

...

Class 3B go for a class trip into the woods one day.

The teacher says to Mary “what’s this tree made of?”
“I don’t know miss.”
“Bark you silly girl!”

Mary goes “woof woof!”

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Holmes and Watson are out on a camping trip

Finally away from work, Dr Watson and Sherlock Holmes decide to spend there time off the great outsiders They set up their camp, get a fire roaring, put up their tent and get ready for the evening in the wild. After a nice meal, the two detectives decide it’s time to head on to bed. They both crawl ...

People always ask why my trips to the salon are so quick.

I take the shortcut.

Two Tomatoes out jogging when one trips and falls....

T1 : “ Grab my Heinz and I’ll help you up!”
T2 : “ Nah, you go on ahead and I’ll Ketchup!”

Bill & Hillary are on a trip back to Arkansas..

They're almost out of gas, so Bill pulls into a service station on the outskirts of town. The attendant runs out of the station to serve them when Hillary realizes it's an old boyfriend from high school.

She and the attendant chat as he gases up their car and cleans the windows. Then they al...

Just been on Trip Advisor...

They recommended LSD and Magic Mushrooms.

Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.

Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had for...

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A boy went camping for a school trip....

He could not fall asleep, as he wasn’t a good camper. His female teacher was sleeping in the tent next to him, so he walks over, and this is the conversation that breaks out.

Teacher: “Ummmmm.... what are you doing?”

Kid: “I can’t sleep. My mommy let’s me sleep with her if I can’t slee...

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Little Johnny was running behind for his weekly trip to the prostitute

When he got there, she said

"Eh Jack! You late!"

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A businessman was about to go on a long business trip

and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.

After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store cl...

Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.

There's a lot to do in Chicago.

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An engineering professor and his students are offered a free airplane ticket for an educational trip

Once they get on the plane the captain announces that the plane has in fact been built by the engineering students and that this is the first test ride.

Everyone rushes off the plane while the professor remains calm in his seat.

A flight attendant then approaches the professor and asks...

Three guys go on a ski trip

Three guys go on a ski trip, and the lodge they are staying in only has one room with one bed. The guys are close friends and they don't mind sharing a bed for the night. In the morning the one friend on the right side of the bed explains how he had a dream where he got a handjob. The guy on the lef...

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A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail message.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving wi...

Two skeletons decided to go on a trip...

Two skeletons decided to go on a trip. They were about to hit the road when one skeleton decided to check if they got all the items they will need. Few minutes into checking, one skeleton realizes that his buddy doesn't have his documents on him and that they could get pulled over by cops.

"...

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A phone call in a business trip...

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the pho...

My wife and I are finally planning a trip to San Francisco for my life long dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.

She said, “What are you going to do when you finally see it?”

I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”

After returning from a trip from the Sunshine State, a man tells his friend all the things he’d seen.

“Did you know in Florida they use alligators to make handbags?”



His friend says in amazement, “Wow, it’s crazy what they can make animals do these days.”

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A hunting trip

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.
He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him.
After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at m...

A man is on a cross-country trip when he picks up a hitchhiker.

During a lull in the conversation, the hitchhiker notices a brown paper bag resting in the center console. The driver notices his glance and says, “That’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.”

The hitchhiker replies, “That’s a pretty good trade.”

A Physicist, a Mathematics Professor, and a Statistician go out on a hunting trip.

They all spot a deer, sitting out in the open, totally exposed. The mathematics professor loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the right. The shot shocks the deer and it freezes in place. The physicist then loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the left. The statistician c...

Yanni trips on a cable while performing with Michael Jackson. MJ runs up to him and asks

Yanni are you okay?

So Yanni are you okay

Are you okay Yanni

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What’s the difference between staring hard at someone, and homosexuals on camping trips?

One is an intense gaze, the other is gays in tents.

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?

He wanted to find Pluto!

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Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip

Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip
That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my ...

How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all your beer on a camping trip?

Take two of them with you.

Will an Ant trip if you...

Give it antacid?

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Hunting Trip

Two guys are hunting in the woods and come across a goat with its head stuck in the fence.

1st guy says, "Man I haven't had sex in a while and I'm thinking about fucking that goat. Can you keep it a secret?"

2nd guy says, "sure go ahead"

So the 1st guy goes up and just pounds ...

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Two homies from Oakland decide to go on a road trip, without a destination...

As Tyrrell is loading the trunk with booze, weed, and all sorts of ill shit, Jerome is loading himself up with all sorts of bling. They jump in the low riding Cutlass and hit the road.

A few days of mindless driving goes by, Tyrrell asks Jerome: "Ay bruh, where we at?" Jerome responds: "Sheee...

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A Jew and a Czech while on a trip are attacked by two bears, one male and one female.

The Jew is able to escape; however, the Czech gets eaten by the male bear. Being a good Samaritan the Jew alerts the park ranger that there are two bears on the loose, one of which has eaten his friend. The park ranger then proceeds to kill both of the bears. The Jew asks the park ranger if he can c...

A man from Maine heads to Florida for a weekend trip.

A man from Maine heads to Florida for a weekend trip. The man’s wife is coming to see him the next day. He checks into a hotel room and opens his laptop. He sends her a brief email to let her know he got to his destination safely. Unfortunately, he makes a typo in the address and the email is sent t...

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A kindergarten class comes back from a trip to the farm.

The teacher asks the kids, "So, what sounds did we hear at the farm today?"

Little Sally: "Moooooo"

Little Billy: "Baaaaaa"

Little Timmy: "Quack, Quack"

Little Johnny: "GET THE FUCK OFF MY TRACTOR, YOU LITTLE CUNT!!!!"

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I thought I’d try going to a swingers camping trip, but I was too shy to participate.

It was two fucking in tents for me.

Arranging a business trip.

"Hello I need to book a business trip to Thailand."

"Are you going to Bangkok?"

"No, I'm just going to Phuket."

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A normal trip to the doctor.

Doctor: “Do you do any sports?”

Patient: “Does sex count?”

Doctor: “Yes.”

Patient: “Then no.”

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So a woman was in bed with her lover when her husband unexpectedly came back early from a business trip.

She said, "Quick! Stand in the corner." And she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's...

What's a good book to read on a short trip?

*Italian Military Victories*

It was an expensive trip to visit those cannibals

cost me an arm and a leg!

I took a trip to Stockholm and really didn't like it.

After a few days though, it really grew on me.

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One day a man went on a business trip to Florida. He saw this hooker and he asked,

“How much for a hand
job?”
The hooker replied, “100 Bucks.”
The man said “100 Bucks, that’s a lot of got damn money.”
So the hooker pulled him to the side and said, “See that
Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs.”
So he gave her the money and received the best hand he ha...

We, the taxpayers, keep paying to send Trump on very expensive trips overseas.

It might be worth it too, except he keeps coming back.

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My trip to the zoo

I just went to this zoo while on a road trip and it was the worst. It only had 1 animal, a normal house dog.



It was a shitzu

A man is walking along the beach, when he trips over something, looks down and sees an old bottle. He picks it up and out pops a genie. "I will give you one wish and only one. What will it be?" The man thinks and thinks...

He lives in California and really loves to visit Hawaii, but he despises flying, so he asks the genie.

"I want a bridge from California to Hawaii, over the Pacific ocean."

The genie looks at him for a bit.

He says, "No, no, no. Sorry, but a bridge over the Pacific? That is too ...

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NSFW - Long - A man takes a trip to a bar in Florida

While drinking, the Bartender tells the man that they have a local challenge, which no one has ever actually successfully completed. However, the prize is free liquor from that bar for the rest of the man's life. The man, never one to back down, decides to bite, and asks the Bartender about the chal...

I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.

I must have left on Data Roman.

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A Japanese businessman goes golfing while on a trip in America

When he returns to his co-workers in Japan, they ask him about his trip.

"In America, they have strange game. You hit little white ball over great green field. Try to get in tiny little hole."

"What is this game called?" his co-workers ask.

"I think it's called...."Oh Shit."

On my recent trip to Australia, I made the mistake of buying a boomerang with teeth.

Sure enough, it came back to bite me in the ass.

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[Long] This wealthy couple from New York made a trip down south...

To visit some relatives that retired down in Florida. They were big foodies and decided to make a stop in Tennessee because they had never had good southern food but had heard how good it was. They find a hole in the wall southern food joint and pulled their new Range Rover in between two old beat u...

I had been told that Hot Chocolate and Churros were a must on my trip to Barcelona...

So on the final day of my trip to Spain I had carved out some time to head down to the ramblas to a little shop that supposedly had he best hot chocolate and churros in the world. Having read that the lines were often long I had allotted a good three hours thinking it would still give me plenty of ...

My last trip to Europe reminded me how bad I was at chess

I was beaten by a Czech mate

A little trip to Heaven

You know, I just came back from the dead. Well, they kicked me out, but that's a different story. The one thing I can tell you about heaven is that there are no windows in any of the houses.


Why, you ask?


Apparently, when Jobs died and went up there, he was put in charge of a...

Three stages for every trip

Planning


Discussing


Cancelling

It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips

So now I only let her do it when it’s my turn to drive

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A football team went on a trip by a plane

They started playing football in the cabin and the pilots were not happy, so the captain said to the flight attendant : "Go deal with this shit! " Later the plane was quiet and he asked his flight attendant : "What did you do? " The flight attendant answered : "Simply I told them to go play outside ...

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Why did Hitler trip over his dog?

He did Nazi him.

TICKET AGENT: "And will this be round trip?"

FLAT EARTHER: "Here we go again."

A hitchiker is taken by an elderly couple in an RV. During the trip, the husband, driving the vehicle, says "152", and the couple laughs. Then the wife says "365" and they also laugh.

The hitchhiker then asks "What's the deal with these numbers?"

The old man replies: "We've been telling each other jokes for such a long time that we memorized and numbered them all, and now only refer to them by numbers."

A few minutes after hearing that, the hitchhiker says "984", an...

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A 1st grade teacher brings his class out for a science field trip to the local park

At the park, one of the kids screams "oh look! There's a big doggy poo poo here!"

The teacher requests that the class gather around and explains

"Look kids, I just taught you about our five senses haven't I?

Don't just rely on one of your senses to observe the world. We have fiv...

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Mac and Dave are out hunting in the woods when Dave trips over something.

He looks back and picks up a lamp, buried in the undergrowth. As he gives it a quick rub, a genie pops out.

"WHO DISTURBS MY ENDLESS SLEEP!?" Booms the genie, "MY FURIOUS WRATH YOU NOW SHALL REAP!"

Mac helps Dave to his feet and pulls him away from the angered genie.

"Ta Mac",...

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Three friends are on a road trip

One named Shutup, the other named Manners and the last guy named Shit.

They are driving down a side road having some drinks and enjoying the nice long weekend. As then take the right turn up ahead they meet up with the cops and Shit started to freak out. "I can't go to jail" says Shit, and h...

A man was out on a fishing trip

When suddenly, he dropped one of his oars into the water, frustrated that he couldn't get the boat moving, he decided to seek help.

He saw someone with two beautiful women on his boat who also had a spare oar. "Excuse me, may I borrow one of your oars?" he yelled.
The man appeared offended...

Nobody and Stupid were on a ferry trip

Suddenly Nobody fell into the water, and Stupid immediately ran to the captain and said:

*- Nobody fell into the water!*

*- What, are you stupid?*

*- Yeah, Stupid said.*

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[NSFW] Tow best friends where on a skiing trip together with their wives.

During the after ski, the men decide it would be a good idea to go to bed with each others wives. The men whom had been drinking both though this was a fantastic idea. They both agreed to make a competition out of it. Whom could make the others wife climax the most times wins.

Not to draw su...

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A man and his beautiful blonde wife liked to sunbath in the nude. On a trip to the Caribbean, the man fell asleep in the hot mid-day sun...

... while his wife was out shopping. Hours later he woke up with a terribly painful sunburn on his privates. The hotel medical attendant recommended applying cold milk to his penis to prevent blistering.

His wife came home to find her husband sitting with his member soaking in a large saucer ...

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Two men are on a hunting trip

The drive up north was long and excruciating, and there were no rest stops, so when they get to their camp, they’re already extraordinarily tired. However, they only have two days, so they figure they should start right away.

The men split up and wait for deer for several hours. The first ma...

Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas.

After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?" "I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains. "The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

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