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Inject Jokes

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

What do you get when you inject human DNA into a sheep?

...banned from the petting zoo...

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(NSFW) People are starting to inject Viagra into their eyes.

It doesn't do much for their dick, but it makes them look fucking hard.

I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime

What happens if you inject a particular kind of sea creature with steroids?

You’ve made yourself a very powerful anemone

The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

I don't need to inject disinfectant

I'm still protected by that Tide pod I ate two years ago.

What does a modern excutioner, with a sense of humor do, before injecting lethal injection?

\- Disinfect the arm, to prevent infection.

I used to inject bleach, but not anymore.

I'm clean now.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

I always carry this insulin injection with me.

My dear friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed to be very important to him that I had it.

What does a diabetic neckbeard inject himself with?

Incel-in

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

It’s no wonder why anti-vaxxers hate needle injections…

They always miss the point.

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I went to my clinic to have my Depo shot injected, when the nurse asked if I'd like it in the glutes or arm

I responded with

I get in the arm so I don't have to take it up the butt

Trump recommends injections with disinfectant to save thousands

True if he does it first.

What state in India is most famous for Covid injection dumb jokes?

Punjab, of course.

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I've been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.

It's time for me to come clean.

Police found a dead body with sperm in its mouth...

I guess someone tried to inject new life into it

Well, if you inject yourself with bleach and disinfectant...

I guarantee you won’t die of Covid-19

I don't like the injection nurse

He's a real prick

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Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.

These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.

What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."

Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.

Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Ha...

What do you get when you inject soda from a dirty needle?

Pep C

It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream

For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein

What do you tell a nurse when she administers an injection painlessly?

Good jab.

There was a man sentenced to death by injection.

The doctor asked "Any last words?"

"Yes," the criminal replied. "Can you tell me a joke?"

"Sure! What's brown and sticky?" He paused for a moment. "A stick!"

The criminal burst out laughing, on the chair. He was so amused, he was injected with poison while laughing. However, ins...

Trump just suggested that injecting sanitizers like bleach might have a cleansing effect on the body

I think medical research would agree that injecting bleach definitely cures stupidity.

Did you hear about the two drug users who injected curry powder thinking it was heroin?

One got a dodgy Tikka and the others in a Korma.

Today I tried to give a subcutaneous injection

Unfortunately it was all in vein

My friend has been injecting disinfectant since that advice was given out...

He got addicted to it and has been working hard to kick the habit. You’ll be glad to hear he is clean now.

Do you know what the scientific term is for injecting disinfectant?

Embalming

I once tried to make a joke about a botched lethal injection...

...but the execution failed.

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My friend said he once injected heroin into his dick.

But that was just poppycock.

A lot of people are injecting this new drug called "Jesus", but I've started taking it orally...

...because I'd never take the Lord's name in vein.

Why aren't the people eating laundry soap injecting it instead?

Seems like it'd be a little Tidier

I thought I had Covid 19 so I decided to give it a go and I injected myself with bleach...

Surprisingly I’m all white now.

I'm starting a business that is half bowling alley and half safe injection site.

It's going to be called "Pins & Needles".

I thought my doctor was helping me with these lumbar injections...

But come to find out, he was just stabbing me in the back.

I had an injection to prevent me from becoming Robin Hood.

Yeah, it was the MenInTightus Jab.

I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

My girlfriend and I were doing some doctor/patient roleplay.

"Oh my goodness," she purred, "are you going to inject me, doc?"

I said, "Yes, honey. But don't worry, you won't feel a thing."

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After deliberating for a long time, Kanye finally decided that Kim can no longer get new butt injections.

He's putting a cap on that ass.

Everyone is debated capital punishment nowadays talking about lethal injection and humane treatment. Me, I think we should just shoot them in the head...

Seems like a no-brainer to me

The Mrs just said Gavin from Autoglass came round & injected special resin into her crack.

I'm not normally suspicious but she hasn't got a car

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

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Little Johnny was in class one afternoon

And the teacher asked him to come to the front and tell the class what he had done that weekend, hoping that it would be a nice clean story (ok...)

"Well miss, me and my mate grabbed a frog from the stream and shoved a firecracker up his arse th-"

Feeling a bit flustered and trying to ...

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A girl I know got collagen injections in her butt. Now she looks like a smuggler's desk.

She's got a false bottom in her drawers.


Just thought of that one today.

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The Bad Tooth

A customer goes to the dentist for a bad tooth. He sits down in the chair and the dentist comes in with his tools and a needle.
“Ok bud, today we are going to inject a numbing agent into your gum to pull that sucker out.” says the dentist. “But I don’t like needles!” The customer replies.
Afte...

A telephone technician gets his wiener bitten by a rattlesnake while peeing on a bush.

He and his coworker where fixing some phone lines in a remote location, far from the city.

His coworker, not knowing what to do, climbs to the top of the telephone pole, connects his service telephone to the wires and calls 911.

The guy on the pole: "Hello, emergencies? My coworker was...

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Chuck Norris once

-injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.
They are now known as King Kong, Moby Dick, and Godzilla.

A rabbit is running in the woods, he sees a giraffe smoking pot.

- Dude, don’t smoke it, it’s harmful for your body. Let's keep it healthy, come run with me, and they start running.

A little later they see an elephant prepared to snort cocaine.

- My elephant friend, drop the cocaine, come run with us.

After a little run, they see the lion ...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ...

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead are sentenced to death.

They come face to face with the executioner and he asks each which way they would prefer to die: electric chair or lethal injection.

The Redhead says that she’ll go with the lethal injection. The executioner readies his equipment and gives her the injection. Within 10 minutes she is dead....

Three men in prison are about to be executed.

There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of HIV.

The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, an...

Everyone’s heard of weed brownies.

But of a buddy of mine recently had a fierce competition on injecting hemp oil into rib eyes and who could cook the better piece.

Boy I’ll tell you… the steaks were high.

my brother and i are totally failing at reaching out to women's groups to let them know of new vaccine availability

not one response to our invitation to a johnson & johnson injection

A joke my dad just sent me about vaccinations

Hi, it happened yesterday! And this is serious!

A friend had his 2nd injection of the vaccine at the vaccination center and began to have blurred vision the whole way home.

When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hos...

BREAKING: North Korea announces breakthrough 100% effective COVID-19 treatment

Sources report the new treatment involves injecting a bullet into the forehead of people infected with the virus.

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Drugs in the Savanna

A rabbit is running in the forest when he sees he giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit stops and says to the giraffe:

- Giraffe, my friend, don't smoke this joint. Come run with me to stay in shape!

The giraffe pauses, thinks it over, and throws her joint to follow the rabbit. Sh...

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Two illegitimate children walk into a bar. They both order the same drink...

One of them, however, uses a large, off white syringe to inject the booze into his rectum. The result?

The alabaster ass blaster baster bastard got plastered faster.

Trump has tested positive for covid 19

If he injects himself with bleach, then he will have a taste of his own medicine.

A doctor is operating on a patient.

He says to his assistant: “Helium please” so the assistant wheels over a tank of helium.
The doctor proceeds to put a mask on the patient so he can inhale the gas, but the patient doesn’t respond to the treatment.

The doctor turns to his assistant again. “Curium please”. And the assistant...

3 people are kidnapped by a group of terrorists

The terrorists are about to kill them but decide to give them the choice between a quick bullet to the head or getting infected with AIDS.

The first two pick the bullet to the head but the last guy chooses to get injected with AIDS through a syringe.

Once the injection is done, the g...

My wife is concerned about my vaccine side effects

Day 1:

“How’s your arm doing?”

“It’s just a bit tender near the injection site.”

Day 2:

“Google said it is supposed to last 4 hours.”

“I think you got the wrong Pfizer info sheet.”

Watermelons

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he ma...

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is heavily pregnant.

The consultant tells them , “ We have this revolutionary new treatment, we give this special injection to the mother and all the birth pain transfers from the woman to the man. Would you like to try it?”

They discuss it and the husband being a gentleman says “ Of course I would be only too ha...

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

\- Susy, what did you bring?

\- A scalpel.

\- Who gave it to you?

\- My mother gave it to me.

\- And what did she say?

\- She said it's for cutting skin!...

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A monkey is smoking a joint.. (NFSW)

A monkey is smoking a joint when rabbit arrives and says: “ Come on monkey leave the joint and go for run with me, its healthier...”

A monkey thinks about it and says: “You are right, lets go!”

They both start running and after a while they see a zebra preparing some hash.

Rabb...

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Getting A Physical

The Doctor's office called and said there was a problem with my blood work. The Doctor wanted to see me immediately.

Doctor: We need to draw more blood. We found some disturbing problems with your first sample.

Me: It is okay Doc. I've been injecting myself with blood from a rooster an...

A man travelling across Europe catches a nasty cold

While resting at a hotel in Madrid, a man realizes hes sick and needs to go to the hospital. He quickly walks to the hotel's check-in desk and asks where the nearest hospital is, as he didnt really know what to call or where to go.

The hotel clerk says to the man: "No worries, sir. We shall ...

Feeling strange, Mr. Bond?

That’s because my assistant just injected you with the measles vaccine. You’re autistic now.

A young man is convicted of forgery and arrives at prison…

While eating his lunch in an otherwise silent cafeteria, he hears an inmate say the number 47 followed by many inmates chuckling quietly. A few minutes later another inmate barks out 16 followed by a dirty snicker by a bunch of inmates. Then an inmate whispers 138 which produces a round of huge bell...

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What's the difference between a prostitute's vagina and r/Jokes?

The vagina gets new, *original* content injected into it regularly.

A chap Tours a factory that produces latex products.

A chap is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a ...

Statistically...

9 out of 10 injections are in vein.

The nurse who kept getting it backwards

Man visits a friend in the hospital only to find the other patients in the ward looking a bit odd. "Lucy, what's going on with the other patients today?" said the man to his other half.

"Oh it's the new nurse" said Lucy, "She just keeps getting things the wrong way round! See that man over t...

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Cant Sex Today

Husband Climbs On The Bed Naked Wanting To Get Really Saucy With His Wife.

To His Dismay, The Wife Told Him That She Has Headache.

The Husband Then Got Off Bed Went To The Kitchen And Came Back.

Then Told Her, “Okay, I Have Powdered My Dick With Aspirin. You Want To Take It Oral...

My heroin-addicted friend

I used to have a great friend. As we grew older, he started doing heroin. Of course, this affected him pretty strongly. Eventually, he even started calling the injection his "God". Weird, I know, but that's just how he was.
Sadly, he passed away recently, although I guess that was to be expected....

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A woman went to get implants in her butt

However, her butt was instead injected with cement. I guess you could say she hit rock bottom

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Chuck Norris Facts!

-can lift up a chair with one hand... While he's sitting on it.

-can make scissors beat rock.

-when he's looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough
to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

-can unscramble eggs.

-counted t...

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A man is at the dentist for a root canal.

The dentist, picking up a syringe, moved toward the patient.

“WHOAAA! What’s that for?” Asked the patient

“Well, this injection will numb the area around your tooth and keep you from feeling pain during the procedure” explained the dentist.

“No way! I am deathly afraid of needl...

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