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Inject Jokes

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

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(NSFW) People are starting to inject Viagra into their eyes.

It doesn't do much for their dick, but it makes them look fucking hard.

What happens if you inject a particular kind of sea creature with steroids?

You’ve made yourself a very powerful anemone

Did you hear about the two drug users who injected curry powder thinking it was heroin?

One died due to a dodgy tikka and the others in hospital in a Korma.

The news today about a woman who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants. She has been arrested and lost custody.

The child didn’t look surprised.

What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo

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The Bad Tooth

A customer goes to the dentist for a bad tooth. He sits down in the chair and the dentist comes in with his tools and a needle.
“Ok bud, today we are going to inject a numbing agent into your gum to pull that sucker out.” says the dentist. “But I don’t like needles!” The customer replies.
Afte...

I don't need to inject disinfectant

I'm still protected by that Tide pod I ate two years ago.

What state in India is most famous for Covid injection dumb jokes?

Punjab, of course.

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Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.

These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.

What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."

Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.

Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Ha...

I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime

I used to inject bleach, but not anymore.

I'm clean now.

It’s no wonder why anti-vaxxers hate needle injections…

They always miss the point.

What does a modern excutioner, with a sense of humor do, before injecting lethal injection?

\- Disinfect the arm, to prevent infection.

It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream

For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein

I always carry this insulin injection with me.

My dear friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed to be very important to him that I had it.

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

Trump just suggested that injecting sanitizers like bleach might have a cleansing effect on the body

I think medical research would agree that injecting bleach definitely cures stupidity.

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I've been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.

It's time for me to come clean.

What do you tell a nurse when she administers an injection painlessly?

Good jab.

What does a diabetic neckbeard inject himself with?

Incel-in

Well, if you inject yourself with bleach and disinfectant...

I guarantee you won’t die of Covid-19

Trump recommends injections with disinfectant to save thousands

True if he does it first.

What do you get when you inject soda from a dirty needle?

Pep C

I thought I had Covid 19 so I decided to give it a go and I injected myself with bleach...

Surprisingly I’m all white now.

My friend has been injecting disinfectant since that advice was given out...

He got addicted to it and has been working hard to kick the habit. You’ll be glad to hear he is clean now.

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The president says we can cure COVID-19 by injecting ultraviolet light into humans....

... but I know when someone is blowing sunshine up my ass.

A lot of people are injecting this new drug called "Jesus", but I've started taking it orally...

...because I'd never take the Lord's name in vein.

There was a man sentenced to death by injection.

The doctor asked "Any last words?"

"Yes," the criminal replied. "Can you tell me a joke?"

"Sure! What's brown and sticky?" He paused for a moment. "A stick!"

The criminal burst out laughing, on the chair. He was so amused, he was injected with poison while laughing. However, ins...

Villain: ok we've injected you with truth serum

**Tony the Tiger:** they're kinda OK

**Voice-over guy:** just OK *is not OK*

I don't like the injection nurse

He's a real prick

Do you know what the scientific term is for injecting disinfectant?

Embalming

I once tried to make a joke about a botched lethal injection...

...but the execution failed.

Everyone is debated capital punishment nowadays talking about lethal injection and humane treatment. Me, I think we should just shoot them in the head...

Seems like a no-brainer to me

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My friend said he once injected heroin into his dick.

But that was just poppycock.

I, for one, fully condone injecting yourself with a generous amount of disinfectant.

It will definitely make COVID-19 the least of your worries.

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After deliberating for a long time, Kanye finally decided that Kim can no longer get new butt injections.

He's putting a cap on that ass.

Police found a dead body with sperm in its mouth...

I guess someone tried to inject new life into it

I'm starting a business that is half bowling alley and half safe injection site.

It's going to be called "Pins & Needles".

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Chuck Norris once

-injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.
They are now known as King Kong, Moby Dick, and Godzilla.

Why aren't the people eating laundry soap injecting it instead?

Seems like it'd be a little Tidier

I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

I thought my doctor was helping me with these lumbar injections...

But come to find out, he was just stabbing me in the back.

My girlfriend and I were doing some doctor/patient roleplay.

"Oh my goodness," she purred, "are you going to inject me, doc?"

I said, "Yes, honey. But don't worry, you won't feel a thing."

I had an injection to prevent me from becoming Robin Hood.

Yeah, it was the MenInTightus Jab.

The Mrs just said Gavin from Autoglass came round & injected special resin into her crack.

I'm not normally suspicious but she hasn't got a car

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Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

Today I tried to give a subcutaneous injection

Unfortunately it was all in vein

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A girl I know got collagen injections in her butt. Now she looks like a smuggler's desk.

She's got a false bottom in her drawers.


Just thought of that one today.

A joke my dad has been telling for 45 years

My dad played high school baseball, and the second baseman, John, eventually grew up to be a very successful accountant and married his high school sweetheart. Over the next 25 years, John also collected rare and antique baseball cards, eventually accumulating the world's most expensive collection…<...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s disc...

A telephone technician gets his wiener bitten by a rattlesnake while peeing on a bush.

He and his coworker where fixing some phone lines in a remote location, far from the city.

His coworker, not knowing what to do, climbs to the top of the telephone pole, connects his service telephone to the wires and calls 911.

The guy on the pole: "Hello, emergencies? My coworker was...

Watermelons

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he ma...

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

\- Susy, what did you bring?

\- A scalpel.

\- Who gave it to you?

\- My mother gave it to me.

\- And what did she say?

\- She said it's for cutting skin!...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ...

Everyone’s heard of weed brownies.

But of a buddy of mine recently had a fierce competition on injecting hemp oil into rib eyes and who could cook the better piece.

Boy I’ll tell you… the steaks were high.

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is heavily pregnant.

The consultant tells them , “ We have this revolutionary new treatment, we give this special injection to the mother and all the birth pain transfers from the woman to the man. Would you like to try it?”

They discuss it and the husband being a gentleman says “ Of course I would be only too ha...

A joke my dad just sent me about vaccinations

Hi, it happened yesterday! And this is serious!

A friend had his 2nd injection of the vaccine at the vaccination center and began to have blurred vision the whole way home.

When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hos...

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I got vaccinated today

It was one of those drive thru deals where you don’t leave your car. Right before the nurse injects me she says “little prick”. So I called her a fat bitch and drove off. What’s wrong with people these days?

Famous Quotes from US Presidents

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.” ― George Washington

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson

“If tyranny and oppression come to this land it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” ― James Madison

“Try and fail, but don...

my brother and i are totally failing at reaching out to women's groups to let them know of new vaccine availability

not one response to our invitation to a johnson & johnson injection

A rabbit is running in the woods, he sees a giraffe smoking pot.

- Dude, don’t smoke it, it’s harmful for your body. Let's keep it healthy, come run with me, and they start running.

A little later they see an elephant prepared to snort cocaine.

- My elephant friend, drop the cocaine, come run with us.

After a little run, they see the lion ...

A chap Tours a factory that produces latex products.

A chap is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a ...

BREAKING: North Korea announces breakthrough 100% effective COVID-19 treatment

Sources report the new treatment involves injecting a bullet into the forehead of people infected with the virus.

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Little Johnny was in class one afternoon

And the teacher asked him to come to the front and tell the class what he had done that weekend, hoping that it would be a nice clean story (ok...)

"Well miss, me and my mate grabbed a frog from the stream and shoved a firecracker up his arse th-"

Feeling a bit flustered and trying to ...

A doctor is operating on a patient.

He says to his assistant: “Helium please” so the assistant wheels over a tank of helium.
The doctor proceeds to put a mask on the patient so he can inhale the gas, but the patient doesn’t respond to the treatment.

The doctor turns to his assistant again. “Curium please”. And the assistant...

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A man is at the dentist for a root canal.

The dentist, picking up a syringe, moved toward the patient.

“WHOAAA! What’s that for?” Asked the patient

“Well, this injection will numb the area around your tooth and keep you from feeling pain during the procedure” explained the dentist.

“No way! I am deathly afraid of needl...

My wife is concerned about my vaccine side effects

Day 1:

“How’s your arm doing?”

“It’s just a bit tender near the injection site.”

Day 2:

“Google said it is supposed to last 4 hours.”

“I think you got the wrong Pfizer info sheet.”

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Getting A Physical

The Doctor's office called and said there was a problem with my blood work. The Doctor wanted to see me immediately.

Doctor: We need to draw more blood. We found some disturbing problems with your first sample.

Me: It is okay Doc. I've been injecting myself with blood from a rooster an...

Trump has tested positive for covid 19

If he injects himself with bleach, then he will have a taste of his own medicine.

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Drugs in the Savanna

A rabbit is running in the forest when he sees he giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit stops and says to the giraffe:

- Giraffe, my friend, don't smoke this joint. Come run with me to stay in shape!

The giraffe pauses, thinks it over, and throws her joint to follow the rabbit. Sh...

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call him maestro... or else

many years ago there was an orchestra in omaha whose conductor was notoriously ill tempered. he would fly off the handle at the smallest mistake, yet he would never offer any constructive criticism. he thought he was the greatest, and demanded to be called maestro. but sometimes, he'd give the wrong...

Newfie execution

A Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander are involved in a grisly crime and are all sentenced to death. The executioner told them that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The Americ...

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A monkey is smoking a joint.. (NFSW)

A monkey is smoking a joint when rabbit arrives and says: “ Come on monkey leave the joint and go for run with me, its healthier...”

A monkey thinks about it and says: “You are right, lets go!”

They both start running and after a while they see a zebra preparing some hash.

Rabb...

A man travelling across Europe catches a nasty cold

While resting at a hotel in Madrid, a man realizes hes sick and needs to go to the hospital. He quickly walks to the hotel's check-in desk and asks where the nearest hospital is, as he didnt really know what to call or where to go.

The hotel clerk says to the man: "No worries, sir. We shall ...

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Little Billy loved to visit at his uncle’s junkyard

Even though he ran a junkyard, uncle Stu was a very bright man who loved to teach and answer all of his beloved nephew Billy’s questions. Over one particular summer they restored a classic old car. Each step was a learning experience. When a part was rusted, uncle Stu would explain all about the pro...

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Chuck Norris Facts!

-can lift up a chair with one hand... While he's sitting on it.

-can make scissors beat rock.

-when he's looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough
to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

-can unscramble eggs.

-counted t...

Three men in prison are about to be executed.

There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of HIV.

The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, an...

Sean Bean is walking down the street

Heard you guys like long OC.

&nbsp;

Sean Bean is walking down the street, enjoying his Sunday night. Suddenly, a black paneled van pulls up next to him. Four massive dudes in ski masks wearing all black leap out and try to grab him. Sean remembers his GoT training and manages to ta...

After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China

His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.

He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination. <...

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead are sentenced to death.

They come face to face with the executioner and he asks each which way they would prefer to die: electric chair or lethal injection.

The Redhead says that she’ll go with the lethal injection. The executioner readies his equipment and gives her the injection. Within 10 minutes she is dead....

3 people are kidnapped by a group of terrorists

The terrorists are about to kill them but decide to give them the choice between a quick bullet to the head or getting infected with AIDS.

The first two pick the bullet to the head but the last guy chooses to get injected with AIDS through a syringe.

Once the injection is done, the g...

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Cant Sex Today

Husband Climbs On The Bed Naked Wanting To Get Really Saucy With His Wife.

To His Dismay, The Wife Told Him That She Has Headache.

The Husband Then Got Off Bed Went To The Kitchen And Came Back.

Then Told Her, “Okay, I Have Powdered My Dick With Aspirin. You Want To Take It Oral...

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Two illegitimate children walk into a bar. They both order the same drink...

One of them, however, uses a large, off white syringe to inject the booze into his rectum. The result?

The alabaster ass blaster baster bastard got plastered faster.

Blonde Joke

An old visually impaired cattle rustler meanders into an all-young lady biker bar by misstep...
He discovers his way to a bar stool and requests an injection of Jack Daniels.
Subsequent to staying there for some time, he shouts to the barkeep, 'Hello, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The b...

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The toughest cowboy

Three cowboys were sitting around the fire telling ole cowboy stories to prove how tough they were. The first cowboy said " One time there was a ragin' bull, runnin' wild in the town, destroyin' everything! So I ran em' down, grabbed em' by the horns and resettled him to the ground ". The second cow...

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