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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

If I got ALL the money back that I spent on drugs and alcohol...

I'd buy drugs and alcohol.

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A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."

The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: "Okay, just don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent exploded, exclaiming: "Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!"

"That may as well be," said the rancher, "But you'd bet...

The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.

I mean, if you’re talking to them, it is probably to late to say no to them.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

I don't like people that take drugs.

Airport security, for example.

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How is doing sexual favors for drugs like a boxing match?

They're both blow for blow

We’ve been fighting the war on drugs for years and we’re loosing.

I think we should try doing it sober.

One night, I did an insane amount of drugs and ended up at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

Quitting drugs is easy...

I've done it like a thousand times.

What do you call a Christian on drugs?

A methodist

Politicians have been fighting the war on drugs for a long time and it's obvious that they're losing.

Maybe they should try doing it sober instead.

I used to do fine, then I started doing drugs.

Now I do morphine.

Almost every Christopher Nolan movie have drugs in it, these drugs belong to Christopher Nolan

When Nolan Works on a movie he says "I want my cocaine in it".

So you know how people say "Say no to drugs"?

If I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.

Why did the police suspect the fish sold drugs?

Because they noticed he had a lot of small scales with him.

Humpty Dumpty was smoking some drugs

With a few gangstas and fairy tale thugs

Then all the King's men slapped them in cuffs

All because they had a few too many puffs

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What do you call a cocky Chinese person transporting drugs abroad?

Smug Lin.

A local barber was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years

I never knew he was a barber

The way to solve the opioid problem is to legalize the drugs,

but only sell them through Comcast customer service.

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition

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My girlfriend asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I told her yes.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

A cop gets called out to a bar on suspicion of a man selling drugs in the bathroom

Upon arrival, the cop finds a man with a bag of cocaine in his hand about to flush it down the toilet. The cop stops him and asks him, “is this bag yours?”

The man replies “I’m sorry officer I swear someone handed me these and ran. I kept trying to flush them down the toilet but they keep app...

I think I'm addicted to amnesia-inducing drugs

I don't know how it got like this.

Drugs may be that path to nowhere...

but at least it's the scenic route.

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I was at a party last night and got talking to a leading expert in the use of drugs in Sport.

He told me about a female Bulgarian athlete who had used so much steroids in the 70’s that she started to grow the beginnings of a penis.

“Anabolics?” I asked. “No” he said, “Just a penis”.

My uncle: a little bird told me you are doing drugs.

Me: you're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note... ...I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

I just watched a documentary on drugs

I think all documentaries should be watched this way

I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

I like you helping me in the kitchen, Kevin, but do you use drugs?

— No, mom, I swear!
— So, why you're cutting onions with the credit card?

I think it's really shameful how people criticize Lance Armstrong for taking drugs, the man won 7 Tour De France's on them.

When I'm on drugs, I can't even *find* my bike.

Me and my friend made a bank account just to save up for drugs

I call it 'joint' account

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

I refuse to give money to homeless people. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.

It was reported some of the bands performing tonight like to hide drugs in there drums.

But don't worry, we've taken the proper percussions

What do you call a sniffer dogs team that is unable to find drugs?

Can'tnine squad

I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

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During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.

‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom....

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I used to smuggle drugs into other countries using my butt.

If I didn't do it, some other asshole would.

A local dentist was just arrested for dealing drugs.

To say I was surprised would be an understatement. I’ve been going to him for ten years and never knew he was a dentist.

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In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name.

Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

To the officer forcibly confiscating my drugs:

I’ve got to hand it to you.

What kind of bee drugs you and steals your money?

A Cardi B

A man smoked drugs, played the piaono, and died.....

Needless to say, it ended on a high note.

What do postmodernists and drugs have in common?

They both make you see things that aren’t there.

What do you call a crocodile on drugs?

You call it a crackodile. (I’m sorry)

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The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me...

I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.

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