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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

Drugs are not that bad But when it comes to cocaine

We’ve got to draw a line somewhere.

I don't like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security

Drugs are a lot like women...

If you abuse them. Crystal, Mary Jane, and Molly will destroy your life.

"Just say NO to drugs!"

Chances are, if I'm talking to drugs, I've probably already said 'yes'.

Comedians tell better jokes when they’ve taken drugs.

It’s always funnier when they crack themselves up.

The other day, I read that 40 percent of teens have tried drugs in school...

That was a hard pill to swallow.

What kind of drugs do ducks take?

Quack

A bunch of my friends have started taking drugs and I don't know what to do...

Should I give them a friend's discount or just charge them normal prices?

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A cop has been caught doing drugs and masturbating on duty

No name has been given yet but they say he's a high wanking officer

Why don’t Balloons do drugs?

Because they are afraid that the will get high and get busted

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a liverpool fan, an arsenal fan and a manchester united fan were doing illegal drugs

they all got caught and were sent to jail. usually the punishment would be 5 years jail time, but the man in charge said, “it’s my wife’s birthday today, i’m in a great mood! you’ll be let go after 20 whips, and you’ll be given a wish before it” the arsenal fan goes first, he says, “please fix a pil...

I just passed a drugs test at work.

Although I am happy to have kept my job, I'll be having words with my dealer.

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The police be like "sir, please step out of the vehicle, we're looking for drugs"

No shit, me too... Let's go!

What do you call an alligator addicted to drugs?

A crackhead-ile

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There's a guy doing 60 in a 30 zone, so a policeman pulls him over Policeman says to driver: "I have reason to believe you've been doing drugs, sir." Driver replies: "Why, cos I'm black?!"

Policeman: "No, sir, cos you haven't got a fucking car."

Yesterday, a local barber was busted for selling drugs

I cannot believe I was a regular customer for 3 years and I never knew he was a barber.

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If someone offers you drugs, don't just say "no"...

... say "no thank you." Rude motherfucker.

I used to do drugs

I still do, but I used to too

Just found out that my gym teacher got arrested for selling drugs, and I was pretty shocked to hear the news

I had no idea he was a gym teacher

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

PSA: Posts related to illegal drugs will no longer be allowed.

We don't crack jokes here.

The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.

I mean, if you’re talking to them, it is probably to late to say no to them.

My family told me I have a drug problem..

No, I don't have a problem with drugs? I love drugs!

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Doctors in New York have come up with a cocktail of drugs to treat symptoms in patients with Coronavirus..

They’re calling it The Manhattan.

To stop kids from doing drugs, they should give the drugs less cool names.

If Ecstasy was called moist curdle, I can assure you that nobody would be interested in trying it!

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A guy was trafficking drugs hiding them in his testicles

The airport security dog started barking at the guy.
The cops grew suspicious. So they took him to he interrogation room and stripped him off his clothes.

The officer started checking this guy. As soon as he touched his testicles he felt he was onto something.

So he tried to break h...

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Wife: “Can you give the kids a talk on drugs?”

Husband: “Ok... but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high”

What sort of drugs did Daffy Duck do during his career?

Quack cocaine.

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

Mom said drugs are my enemies..

But Christ said love your enemies.

My Doctor thinks I'm taking hallucinogenic drugs

How do I know? Well let's just say a little bird told me.

(Joke credit goes to Stewart Francis)

Did you hear about the Ironworkers who were arrested for selling drugs?

Yea, apparently those who smelt also dealt

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Growing up my mom was worried I get into sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

At least she got the drugs and rock and roll part right.

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition

A moth walks into a gynecologist's office.

He sits down, put his legs in the stirrups and everything.


"Doc, I feel terrible. I think my wife is cheating on me. Sometimes I come home and I feel like I see other moths flying out the backyard.

I think my boy's on drugs. I found a lighter and some paper in his room the other...

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

What type of drugs do spices deal?

They dill weed.

Where can you find the definitions of different types of drugs?

Addictionary

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

Personal trainer just got 9 years for selling drugs.

Been going to him for years...just shows that you never really know someone. Had no idea he was a personal trainer.

What’s the difference between drugs and children?

I don’t sell drugs.

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday; he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge mea...

How do you call a guy who sells drugs for young children

A pharmacist

What drugs do boxers take to dodge better?

Antifistamines

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

In HS we were all experimenting with drugs. When my friends started smoking pills, that's where I drew the line.

And then I snorted it!

Many pilots end up using drugs...

Its easy for them to get high.

If I got ALL the money back that I spent on drugs and alcohol...

I'd buy drugs and alcohol.

A police officer finds some drugs...

Officer: Sir, we got 100g of cocaine.

Senior: How many grams did you say?

Officer: 50g of cocaine.

Senior: Wait, didn't you just say 100 grams?

Officer: I meant 15g of cocaine.

Senior: So is it 100 or 50 or 15g of cocaine?

Officer: What cocaine?

If you're unhappy when single, you won't be happy in a relationship.

Happiness come from DRUGS not relationships.

Quitting drugs is easy...

I've done it like a thousand times.

One night, I did an insane amount of drugs and ended up at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

My doctor asked me if I abuse drugs and alcohol

I said "why would I abuse the two things I love more than anything"?

I don't give money to homeless people because they will just spend it all on drugs and alcohol

And I need it for drugs and alcohol.

We’ve been fighting the war on drugs for years and we’re loosing.

I think we should try doing it sober.

My meth head friend told me drugs help him fit his whole day into a four hour period

"Take some more", I told him. "You could fit your whole life in one afternoon!"

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How is doing sexual favors for drugs like a boxing match?

They're both blow for blow

What do you call a dictionary that cannot leave taking drugs?

Addictionary.

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