Drugs Jokes - 65 Hilarious Drugs Jokes

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

What drugs do ducks do?

Qwack cocaine

How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?

They know what grams are.

How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs.....''

I said "I'm on drugs? you're the one talking to dogs."

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My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs

I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas

I don’t like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old...

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two.

Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was ...

Twenty years ago, my friend made a website where you compare getting high from different drugs.

It was the original trip advisor.

What does Jared Leto say when he is on drugs?

It's Morphine time!

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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of...

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Not to brag, but we did a lot experiments with drugs, sex, and alcohol when I was in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

When I was a child a police officer came to our school and gave a speech on drugs.

I couldn't understand a damn thing he said.

A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I can prove it to you if you want me to."

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
...

Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs?

They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.

I hate people that take drugs..

Especially police and customs.

Be a winner. Never, ever take drugs.

Sell them.

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Why doesn't Mike Tyson do drugs?

Cause that shit will meth up your life.

I drink alcohol without hesitation, but drugs,

…drugs is where I draw the line.

I hate people who take drugs...

specifically the DEA and US Customs.

How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?

Enough to kill two and half men.

‘Just say NO to drugs!’

Well… If I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes…

Random Drug search

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look m...

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

I store drugs right under my nose

Don't believe me? Check my stash

I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom

Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.

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How is doing sexual favors for drugs like a boxing match?

They're both blow for blow

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For class today, I brought in a drug addict to show kids the adverse effects of drugs.

This man was a real mess. He would use coffee as a stimulant throughout the day, alcohol to alleviate his anxieties, sweets for his depression, TikTok to get dopamine hits, and shitty TV at night to mindlessly pacify him.

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Two Teenage Boys Were Arrested For Doing Drugs

When they went to court, the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month.

Th...

We've got to do something about drugs in highschools.

The prices these kids are setting are getting way out of hand.

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete.

Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

ProLifeTip for border crossings: when they ask “Any drugs or weapons?”

The correct response is not “Why, what do you need?”

What do you get when your philosophical tattoo artist is on drugs?

Meth inks

A dentist in my town just got arrested for selling drugs!

It's amazing what secrets people can keep. I've been going to him for over ten years and I never knew he was a dentist!

I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

The Matrix in reverse is the story of a guy who quit drugs and got a job

Convince me otherwise

If the war on drugs was a literal war...

How many of you would shoot heroin?

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

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How do you know a stripper is on drugs?

You can see her crack.

I feel bad for people who have to take drugs to go crazy.

Whenever I wanna go crazy I just stop taking mine.

What kind of drugs do birds do?

Crowcaine

Quitting drugs for good is easy

I do it all the time!

Mitch Hedberg used to do a lot of drugs

Now he is dead.

What drugs are IT Engineers addicted to?

Codeine.

How did the Pimp stash his drugs?

He used his Heidi hoe

Drugs?

So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with cocaine!".

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Bear on drugs

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender...

Did you hear about that new video game where you play a baker who's addicted to drugs?

It's called "Knead for Speed".

Why should you never do drugs three times in one night?

Over dos.

What Do You Call A Cow On Drugs?

High Steaks

What do you call a police dog that's on drugs?

a cocanine

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I gave up drinking, smoking, drugs and sex all at the same time

It was the scariest 3 minutes of my life!

what do you call a transformer that gets pulled over for drugs?

Methamis Prime.

Drugs don’t ruin your career

Drug tests do

What do you call a Navy Admiral who gambles, smokes, drinks and does drugs?

a Vice Admiral

A person doing a survey called me and asked, “What’s your position on drugs?”

Me: Usually slumped on a beanbag chair.

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

Drugs are a lot like my coworkers

My wife does most of them

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