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Dope Jokes

What did all the Grateful Dead fans say when they ran out of dope?

This music sucks.

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

I think my girlfriend's a secret drug dealer

I just answered her phone, and this man said "is that dope still there?"

What do you call a Dope Lizard?

Mariguana,

Rookie cop pulls over an old biker…

A rookie police officer pulls an old biker over for speeding:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Off...

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A cat or a pill

A cold, withered, teenage addict wandered to his dope dealer’s apartment. Through the back, up the stairs, he knocked at the door. \*knock knock\*

“Who's there?” Said the dope drug dealer.

“Just me, looking for comfort.”

“Comfort huh… you look rather withered and cold.”

...

The Rope-a-dope.

Two pieces of string walk into a bar.

The bartender looks them up and down, and asks: "You two aren't pieces of string, are ya?"

To which they both reply: "Why, yes, we are!"

And the bartender turns a bright shade of red and yells: "WE DON'T SERVE YOUR FILTHY KIND HERE!"

...

Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs?

They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.

My friend bioengineered a cannabis plant that grows large, colorful flowers.

I got to see it, and I must admit, it was pretty dope.

Russia's dope scandal is now over.

Almost two years after putting him in the White House....

What's the difference between a doe and dope?

One's gotta pee.

Sometimes, I think I'm the only member of my family not doped up on prescription drugs all the time.

Then I usually take my amnesiac meds.

That's so Dope

Russia wanted it to represent them in the next Olympic game

Hey, imagine if there was something you could put in your body that could let you see a whole new layer of existence and change your perception of reality?

Bro, that would be dope.

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I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

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A story is told that in the mid 1990s, two men go to visit a doctor who is acclaimed for his ability to treat melancholia.

"We can’t eat, we can’t sleep,” say the men. “We feel contantly miserable. Please help us, doctor.”

“Laughter is the best medicine, my friends,” says the doctor. “Take yourself off to The Gathering of the Juggalos, where you will find Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of the Insane Clown Posse perf...

Did you see the ROC figure skating routine in the Olympics?

It was dope

What do you call a meme that provokes intense happiness

Dope-a-meme

With all the tax dollars weed sales in Colorado is raising for education...

Those schools are going to be dope.

A man is approached by a suspicious looking guy…

A man is approached in the street by a suspicious looking guy.

“Wanna make a quick buck? Follow me,” He says.

The man, after some thought, says what the hell and decides to follow him. After a door, a long flight of stairs, and a lengthy hallway,
the man about to bail on the whol...

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A guy on a worktrip in a country town gets invited to a party

A local approaches him at a bar and says

"hey man, I can tell you aint from round here so I just thought I would be neighborly and let you know there's a party at the barn tonight, should be a good time. Gunna be some fighting, drinking and fuckin"


The man replies "wow thats fucki...

Sometimes when I'm bored I put makeup and little wigs on marijuana cigarettes.

That might sound dumb to you, but I think it's pretty dope.

How do you cure someone from steroid abuse?

You give them the anti-dope

What do you call gift-wrapped marijuana?

Pretty dope.

What cake was always late to the party?

ChocoLATE

Hahah I'll leave now I just needed to brag about my dope reddit bday

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What am I in for? Well, I used to be a zookeeper, you see...

One day, my boss calls me into her office, and she tells me she's trying to breed dolphins, and she wants my help. And I hear that, and I'm all in, great way to move up in my industry.

So she tells me she's trying to mate these two dolphins, but they're not feeling frisky. She tells me she ha...

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A monkey and a lizard...

A monkey and a lizard are sitting in a tree smoking dope. Eventually, the lizard falls out of the tree into the pond below. An alligator swims up to the lizard and says "Hey lizard, what's going on?" The lizard says "Well, me and monkey were up there in the tree smoking dope, and I fell into the ...

Say what you want about Russian Athletes

But their training regimen is pretty dope

Have you heard about the pothead who tried crack for the first time?

He thought it was dope!

I love that marijuana is now legal in Canada.

It's really dope.

I once knew a rapper who used cannabis infused citrus as chewing tobacco

He spat some dope limes

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Ok, you got me.

A drug raid is going on at a house in the suburbs. The cops kick in the door and spread out through the house. A DEA agent breaks open a bathroom door to find a man holding what appears to be a bag of coke over a toilet.

"Freeze, motherfucker!" The cop shouts.

"Ok, ok, you got me." T...

Cuckoo time

A bunch of hippies were sitting around smoking pot when a pal ran in and said the cops are coming, the cops are coming. They freaked out and more or less immediately sprang into action and stashed the dope inside the cuckoo clock, sat down and pretended they were watching tv.
Nothing happened bu...

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So a drug dealer is being raided..

The police storm in, securing all the rooms in the house. One kicks open the bathroom door and catches a guy standing next to the toilet with a baggie full of cocaine.

"Freeze, asshole!" The cop shouts, aiming his gun at the guy.

"Ok, ok. You got me" the guy says, "but you need to li...

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Anybody ever get paid to smuggle drugs in their butt?

... Cause it sounds like a dope ass job.

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

I miss having Lance Armstrong at the Olympics

He was dope.

Nesta Carter was asked how he felt after winning a gold medal alongside Usain Bolt.

"That was dope!"

Did you hear about the guy who made his wife a necklace out of crystal meth?

I hear it was pretty dope.

What does Marilyn Quayle have in common with Marion Barry?

They've both been known to blow a little dope.

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The man, The newspaper and the wife

A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope!
I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
His wife said, 'Thank you.'

The Art of the Deal

A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car ‘till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the de...

I ALSO wrote a poem!

''I do drugs, you do drugs, we do drugs, they do drugs''
Now, I know it's not the best, but it's pretty dope.

Thanksgiving Special

Three guys visit a hooker on Thanksgiving Day.
"How much do you charge?" They ask.
"Thanksgiving Special today only! $10 an inch." She replies.


The first guy takes his turn, comes back out and says, "That was $75 well spent!"


The second guy takes his turn and comes bac...

A two ropes walk into a bar...

*twist on old joke*

As they order bartender shakes his head, "Can't you read?" as he gestures to a sign that says ,"We don't like dopes and don't serve Ropes!"

The rope is floored, but his mother warned him that some people didnt like ropes. So he and his buddy left.

Outside his...

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Time for a repost.

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a deer. The deer is about to smoke a blunt. The rabbit looks up at the deer and says, "deer, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come run with me through the forest!"

The deer tosses his blunt aside and t...

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Sixth-grade teacher

Mrs. Fisher, the sixth-grade teacher, tells the class that today they’re going to have a spelling bee.
Instructing the first kid to stand up, she asks, “Robert, what does your father do for a living? Say
it nice and clearly, and then spell it out.”
“My father’s a baker,” answers Robert. “B-...

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A monkey was smoking weed up in a tree...

.. When suddenly a small lizard walked by.

"What are you doing up there?" The Lizard asked

"I'm smoking some weed. You should try some, it's real' good!" The monkey replied.

Not having anything to lose, the lizard accepted.

A little while later, the lizard was feeling thi...

Jesus sees that planet earth is going to Hell in a hand basket because too many people are using something called drugs...

He wishes to know about this, so he calls His Apostles and tells them that they all have to go down to Earth to see for themselves what is going on and then come back to Heaven and report back to Him.

The Apostles go to different places on Earth and after some time, they come back to report w...

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From deep in Maine, two woodpeckers are sitting in a tree

and are casually talking about the sweetest trees they've had the pleasure to peck. Looking around, their attention focuses on one specific tree in front of them...

"Man, that's one fine looking beech." The first one said.

"No way, that's just a dope ass birch." The other replied.
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