After long consideration, my wife and I have decided we do not want to have children.

If anybody here does want children, just leave your contact info and we'll drop them off tomorrow

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to my new doctor today and was shocked that she was a young, drop dead gorgeous female...

She noticed immediately that I was flushed and embarrassed. She said “Don’t worry- I’m a professional. Just tell me what’s wrong and I will help you in any way that I can”.

I said “I think my penis tastes funny”.

Why did the music note drop out of college?

Because it couldn’t pick a major

Necrophiliacs are only interested in women that are drop dead gorgeous.

That’s all.

What has six legs, green fur, red balls, and can kill you if it drops on you from a tree?

A snooker table.

What do you get if you drop your steak?

Ground beef.

I have an idea for a brand of eye-drops.

I’ll call it moist-your-eyes.

A blonde drops her car off at a garage and then pops off to the bar. When she comes back she says "whasmatter wi ma car?"

"Piston broke"
"Okay, don't worry, I'll write you a cheque"

What do you call it when you drop something heavy on your toes?

Crushing da-feet.

Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The official list of emojis for 2019 has been updated to include a drop of blood, which is meant to symbolize menstruation. Although, if tech companies really wanted to accurately portray the suffering caused by periods...

...they should use an emoji of a husband quietly masturbating in the bathroom.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A salmon is watching a fly hover 6 inches above the pond and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, I'm going to eat it."

A bear is on the shore and is watching the salmon. The bear thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, and I will eat the salmon."

A hunter is watching the bear and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, the bear will eat the salmon, and I will...

A blonde drops a dress off at the cleaners

As she's leaving the lady behind the counter says "come again"

The blonde says "no just toothpaste this time"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A plane is losing altitude and must drop some extra weight.

A plane, mid flight, begins to lose altitude and is going down. The captain comes over the intercom and says, "the plane is going down so we're going to drop some luggage to reduce the weight. "

After doing so, the captain comes back on the intercom and says, "the plane is still going down, w...

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner

The man who invented the cough drop passed away last week

He decided not to have a coffin at his funeral

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I would tell you guys a long-winded tale involving the singers of "It Wasn't Me" and "Drop It Like It's Hot"...

...but I don't think you guys would have time to read yet another Shaggy/Dogg story.

Why did Frosty the Snowman drop his pants?

He heard that the snowblower was coming

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What if a fly drops 2 inches?

A fish was looking out of its river and saw this fly and thought 'if that fly drops 2 inches, I'll be able to jump out and eat it.' Then there was a bear looking at the fish that was looking at the fly and thought 'if the fly drops 2 inches the fish will jump up to get the fly and I'll get the fish'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I dropped my swear jar

About a hundred motherfuckers escaped.

I think it’s important to make clear who’s change it is if you drop some.

Any way that’s my two cents.

The Washington Redskins finally decided to drop their offensive name.

Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The Redskins." It was reported that he finds the word "Washington" imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheat...

My stripper friend drops her kid off at my place when she goes to work.

Easiest job I ever had.

It’s like taking a baby from a Candi.

I took my wife to the beach today and now she’s mad at me. I thought she wanted to watch me drop frozen waffles along the shore and trick a bunch of communists into eating them.

After all, I could’ve sworn she said her dream was to see the sandy Eggo commie con.

Why did America drop crates of combs for Germany during WW2?

To get rid of the knotsies.

A doctor comes out to the maternity ward waiting room holding a newborn baby and suddenly drops him to the floor.

Seeing the father's shocked face, he laughs and says: "Haha, got you. Don't worry, he was born dead".

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

Don't share eye drops..

You never know where that person's eye has been.

Why did Johnny drop his lollipop?

Because he got hit by a truck

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date

When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her,

"How about a blowjob?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Dont worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"Its just a sm...

Two hunters are in the woods, suddenly one of them drops to the ground.

The other one quickly decides to phone the emergency services.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Help me! I'm in the forest and my friend just died!"

"Calm down sir, first, can you make sure he's dead?"





**Bang**



"Okay, what do I do now?"

The ice cream man was found dead inside his van. Covered in Hundreds & Thousands, Sprinkles, Chocolate drops and a Flake.

Police believe he may of topped himself.

LPT: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, quietly kick them under the refrigerator.

It’ll soon be water under the fridge.

Waiting at the student drop off for school dismissal and the teacher asked who my child was.

Time to switch schools.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When the fly drops 4 inches

Picture a mountain stream and there is bear that is trying to catch a fish and there is a fly that is buzzing over the stream.

The fish inside the stream is looking up at the fly, and is thinking if this fly would just drop 4 inches then I could jump out of the water and have a snack.
...

Fun Fact: if you drop a can of Coca-Cola on your foot it will hurt.

A little ironic considering it's a soft drink.

An Eskimo drops his truck off at the shop

“I’ll be back in an hour” says the Eskimo
The Eskimo stops at an ice cream shop on the way back. Upon returning, the Eskimo asks the mechanic
“What’s wrong with my truck?”
To which the mechanical responds
“It looks like you blew a seal.”
The Eskimo frantically replies
“It’s vanilla...

I was replacing a light fixture outside our front door when suddenly the electricity shorted through my screwdriver and made me drop it. My wife opened the door and said, "I turned on the light so you can see better while you're working."

I was too shocked to reply.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

*A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.*

Daughter: God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.

Dad: why did you say that?

Daughter: I don't know, I just felt like saying it.

*The next day, grandpa drops ...

A man walks into a watchmakers shop, walks up to the assistant and drops his trousers in front of her.

She looks at him for a moment, sighs, and says "sir, we only service watches and clocks, please put THAT away."

The man replies "It IS a clock, but it's missing a few things, so would you mind putting two hands and a face on it?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman drops her husband off at work...

A young couple barely has time to see each other any more, as the husband always leaves early in the morning to take the bus to work. One morning, the wife decides to drive the car and drop him off at work, to spend some time with him. Their conversation is light, and he mumbles a small "Thanks" as ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Dracula checks into a hotel in New York City, calls rooms service and asks for an Italian busboy to bring him a pizza. The busboy arrives, Dracula bites him in the neck, sucks every last drop of blood out of him and throws him out of the window...

The corpse of the busboy hits a homeless guy, who is sleeping in the alley below.

When Dracula does this two more times, the man finally gets fed up, goes to the police and when they ask him what his complaint is, he screams, "Drained wops keep falling on my head!"

Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a beehive?

B flat.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a Morris Marina?

An episode of Top Gear.

Most adults have a dark secret...

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth”.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother, he s...

If I had a drop of beer for every time I made a bird pun..

I'd have toucans.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to f...

I saw a guy drop a 100 dollar bill, I picked it up and asked myself: "what would Jesus do?"

......So I turned it into wine

When You Drop The Soap...

...is the floor clean or the soap dirty?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood..

Then why don't vampires suck cock? Oh wait...Twilight.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There’s a fly flying over the water with a broken wing about to drop....

Underneath the water is a fish. The fish says “when that fly drops I’ll come up and eat him.”

Nearby a fisherman is in his boat and says “when that fly drops and the fish comes up I’ll catch that fish.”

A rat in the fisherman’s boat says “if that fly drops and the fish comes up, then t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you drop your watch into poop...

You'll have a shitty time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After a sleepover, a boy drops a girl at her home

He puts his hand on the wall by the gate for support, leans toward her.

BOY : Can I kiss you?

GIRL: Not now, we're home.

BOY : Please.

GIRL: No.

BOY : You were damn sexy in bed today.

GIRL: You too, full of energy. I cannot believe we had four rounds!
...

I hate to name - drop but I'm very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

I don't know Y

Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream?

He was hit by a bus.

Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

If you ever find yourself in prison, don't drop the soap.

It's full of criminals and you may not get it back.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mosquito flies above a river...

In the river there is a fish.
The fish thinks: If that mosquito just flies down a little bit, i can jump and eat that mosquito

Next to the river sits a bear
The bear thinks: If that mosquito flies down a little bit, and the fish grabs it. I can grab the fish.

Behind the bear in t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Mate Sold Me Some Viagra Eye Drops.

They make me look hard.

Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.

He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.

“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.

“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.

The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.

“Oh God. I’m sorry. H...

Why does Loki buy cough drops?

He doesn’t want to get a Thor throat

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Japanese ex-girlfriend kept trying to get back with me

I had to drop the bomb twice before she finally gave up.

I used to get into fights at the drop of a hat.

Which is probably why I got fired from my job as a graduation photographer.

From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.

I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight

Turns out it was a bar mitzvah

Penguin is having some car trouble so he drops it off at the auto repair shop

Mechanic tells him it might take a while, so the penguin goes down the street to the ice cream shop to pass the time.

When he returns to the repair shop, the mechanic comes out and says, "It looks like you just blew a seal."

The penguin gets an initial horrified look on his face and ...

Everything I pick up, I drop.

The situation is getting out of hand.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese chick?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

A farmer is harvesting his lettuce field and suddenly drops to the ground

His wife runs over and screams; “I think he’s having a Caesar!”

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"

The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"

The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is d...

[NSFW] As I was about to drop my pants, she whispered in my ear "I can handle anything you can give me"...

Apparently she can't handle disappointment.

Why do trees drop their leaves in the fall?

It's autumn-atic.

I've heard so many theories about why America won't drop the imperial system

But we all know it's really just a foot fetish

Why I'm divorced.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’

I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will reme...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Confucius say man who drops watch in toilet...

...has shitty time