My friend told me, "did you know trees drop edible stuff that's not fruit?"

"that's nuts" I replied.

The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.

An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

“Let’s not fight about it!...

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There is a fly flying about 12 inches over a lake with a fish swimming below thinking "If the fly drops 6 inches I can jump and catch it."

Meanwhile, a bear on the edge of the same lakes sees the fly and thinks "If he drops 6 inches, the fish will jump after it and I can catch it."

Across the same lake is a hunter eating a sandwich watching the bear and the fly thinking "If the fly drops and the fish jumps I can shoot the bear a...

A mother had three kids called Drop, Feather, and Brick

A mother had three kids called Drop, Feather, and Brick.

Perplexed, the first kid asks his mother "Mom, why did you named me Drop?"

And she says: "Because when you were born, a little drop fell in your head..."

The second kid asks: "Mom, why did you named me Feather?"

She...

What happens when you drop a steak on the floor?

It becomes ground beef.

Hello..! fairly new here to /r/Jokes. Thought I might drop you all a short note.

Staccato

After an extremely tense argument with my girlfriend, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade fly towards me.

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

A 90 year old just told this: What happens when you drop the turkey out of the oven?

It's the downfall of Turkey and the overflow of grease.

I am so good a using eye drops

I can do it with my eyes closed.

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

If you dropped a male and a female ant into water, which one survives?

The male, because it is bouyant

A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.

At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “*So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''

The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “*No. I’m afraid to*.”

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream cone?

He got hit by a bus.

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

An old lady goes to a dentist, lies on his table, drops her panties and stretches her legs

The dentist says “I’m not a gynecologist.” She says “I know, I need my husband’s teeth back.”

Get to the bunker, a nuclear bomb is dropping

"You can't force me in a bunker, I am an American, I have rights"

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

In Vegas, people can tithe by dropping casino chips in the offertory.

At the end of the weekend there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit.

He’s the Chip Monk.

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A man drops his coin into the wishing well...

" I wish I had a giant cock!"

Wish granted. Cause of death, 2 metre cock shoved up his ass. Giant still at large.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him of at school?

Bison.

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers.

She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says, "when I was young I contracted kneesles."
She says, "you mean measles."
He says, "no, I actually got kneesles."
She shrugs and continues undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about the...

Yesterday a man dropped dead at Grand Central Station.

It was a terminal illness.

My GPA dropped a bit today...

Apparently I got a C++ in programing class

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I just watched a magician perform, he had 7 men hypnotized and dropped the microphone on his foot

I felt bad bad for him, when the mic hit his foot he yelled "fuck me"

Life Pro Tip: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the kitchen floor, quietly kick it under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be water under the fridge.

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

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When a fly drops three inches...

{Sorry if this is a repost, I haven’t seen it before and I heard this back in eighth grade.}


There was a fly dancing three inches above the water.

A fish saw it and thought, “If that fly drops three inches, I can get the fly and eat it!”

By the shore is a bear. The bear see...

Did u just stand there while I fell over and dropped all the laundry?

Yes I watched it all unfold

I dropped my phone while washing the dishes

Guess it is in sync now .....

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A very tall man walks into a bar

and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, peo...

Nothing like waking up to the gentle pitter-patter of rain drops falling on your face.

Now to only figure out who robbed my roof.

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A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree,” says the Fa...

I accedentally dropped my pillow on the floor.

I think it has a concushion.

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base?

A flat major.

I just dropped all of my eggs...

Oeuf

A waiter was serving someone when they dropped a spoon...

So the waiter pulled a spoon out of his top pocket. The man questioned why the waiter had a spoon in his pocket and started eating his dessert. The waiter replied we did a study and it showed that 70% of customers drop spoons so it saves us time having one with us. The customer looked intrigued and ...

Guys I just bought a 256gb iPhone XR, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways, I am doing a giveaway!!

The kid is 7, cute, thin and not really tall.

I dropped my weed in the BBQ while BBQing

The steaks have never been higher.

The other day I dropped my baby nephew and my sister started freaking out

I understand that I should be more careful, but let’s be honest, who the f*** brings a baby to the Grand Canyon?

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."



An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Cong...

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If there's a girl sitting in front of you with her ass crack showing and you drop Tic Tacs down there, what you call it?

Her-ass-mint

Why was Theodore so concerned when the stock price dropped?

He was invest-Ted.

I went to my doctor, and he told me to drop my pants

I need to get a new eye doctor.

(Credit to Bob Saget)

A man accidentally dropped his kitchen knife onto his foot and unfortunately lost his toe.

The Doctor said "I have good news and bad news"

Man.. "Whats the bad news Doc?

Doc.. "Well, you see, they had to replace your toe with a piece of candy."

Man.. "Candy? So what's the good news?"

Doc.. "You now have tic tac toe"

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Due to the pandemic, I had to drop out of my marksmanship class.

I'm going to miss everyone.

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So I heard that the stock prices of fertilizer companies around the world started dropping about two months ago.

Apparently it has something to do with donald trump becoming the world‘s leading supplier of bullshit.

Farmers wife

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


"I real...

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children

If anybody else does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

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A poor man goes to a sex club

After standing in line to get in het gets to the doorman. "What can I get for $5" the poor man says.

"You can get into the mystery room" says the doorman and he proceeds to lead the poor man to a door. Once he opens the door he sees a big round chamber with in the middle a donkey with a small...

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.

When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

When it comes to dropping food on the floor, I use the 5 second rule.

Only problem is I have 2 second dogs.

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A mechanic drops his daughter off at Harvard for her first day of college.

As he tries to find his way off campus, he realizes he needs to use the restroom, so he asks a student, “Excuse me, but do you know where the nearest restroom is at?”

The student replies, “Sir, at Harvard we never end a sentence with a preposition.”

The mechanic replies, “Oh, my mistak...

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Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

Was playing air drums to AC/DC the other day when I dropped my stick...

...had to switch to Def Leopard

A man opens the bonnet of his VW Beetle. His jaw drops - "Oh my god, someone stole my engine!"

Then he goes round the back and opens the trunk. "Phew, thankfully I have a spare."

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

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Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds.

Right on my big toe. Shits broken now I can hardly walk.

I dropped my cactus the other day

The worst part is, I caught it

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

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A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their sex life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.

Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.

A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happ...

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

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A Father Jim has to drop a deuce during confessional...

...he pops his head of the curtain and calls over one of the alter boys - Timmy. I need you to cover for me.

Timmy walks over. I don’t know what to do.

The priest points to a list on the wall. One side has the offense and the other has the consequence.

Just lower your voice a...

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Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:
“The reason for your lifestyle is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for...

What is the only key a piano can play in after it was dropped down the mine shaft?

Minor B flat

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I went to the doctor's the other day and found out the new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous blonde babe

I was embarrassed, but she said "Don't worry, I am a professional - Just tell me what is wrong and I will check it out"

I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny".

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A young woman visits a florist to buy some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

What do you get if you drop a waffle on a Southern California beach?

A sandy Eggo!

A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

*Tell me what happened son*

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

*So you got a l...

A guy and girl go back to her place to hook up. As he goes to drop his pants, he tells her, "I just wanna let you know I'm hung like a baby...". To which she starts to quickly reply, "It's ok, I've been with someone sma....", and she stops abruptly as he drops his pants.

"What the hell?!", she said.

He said, "I tried to tell you, I'm hung like a baby. 7 lbs, 19 inches!"

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Joe saw a sexy young exotic girl walking out from a bank, a remote control dropped from her mini skirt.

He picked it up and planed to give it back.

But the girl looked at him, her face turned red and seemed nervous and coy.

Joe understood it all of a sudden...

He smiled obscenely and pressed the button on the remote.

Then the bank exploded.

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It’s Nature

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw two dogs mating. She said 'How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?'

I replied he can smell she is ready, thats how nature works!
We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the yew, again my girlfreind asked h...

Your so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got arrested for littering.

Just a joke calm down

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Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

The guy who created cough drops died last week.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

I remember my first time using a condom...

I just turned 18 and went to buy a packet on condoms from the pharmacy. There was an attractive, young assistant behind the counter and she could tell that I was new to it. She handed me the package and knew if I knew how to wear one. I said no, so she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped...

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A guy walks into a bar and slaps $1000 on the bar top.

The guy says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that I can piss from one side of this bar top into a shot glass on the other side without spilling a single drop."

The bartender says, "I don't think that's possible, I'll take that bet."

The bartender sets up a shot glass at the end of t...

Guys I just bought 256 Gb Iphone 11 and my kid dropped it and shattered the screen so now i'm giving it away.

He's 5 years old, cute, can read, and is otherwise decently behaved.

Accidentally dropped a 20 dollar bill in a porta potty

Thought “Damn, no way I’m reaching in there for a measly 20”

So I took out a hundred from my wallet and dropped it in.

Now for 120, I’ll definitely go in.

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Seven Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. ...

“Well, what are you gonna do about it?” He asks menacingly. I burst into tears.
“Oh come on man” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d cry. I hate to see a man crying”.
“This is the worst day of my life” I sob. “I’m a complete failure. My boss fired me for being late to a meeting. When I wen...

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

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A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

I witnessed my wife trip and drop all the laundry.

She got red with embarassment and said: "Did you see that?"

I said: "I watched it all unfold."

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

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Blonde walks into a bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York city, and talks to the bank's loan officer, asking for a loan.

Loan officer: "How much do you need to take a loan out for?"

Blonde: "Only $1000."

Loan officer: "Do you have collateral?"

The blonde pulls out the keys to a 2016 Ferrar...

Three men die and appear before Buddha...

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

\-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forwa...

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NSFW A farmer sells his peaches door to door

A peach farmer decides to sell his peaches door to door. He knocks on an apartment door and this gorgeous lady wearing a teddy opens the door.
The farmer stutters in surprise and asks if she would like some peaches. He shows her one and “says they are firm, subtle and very nice to the touch.”...

A man got in a taxi and asked to drop by a specific location.

The taxi driver said ok and drove for 5 minutes, and suddenly took a few wrong turns. The man thought to himself "does he not know where it is?" And tap the driver on the shoulder. The driver suddenly, started to panic and screaming, while trying to avoid cars and rail guards, almost hitting a bus f...

I told my daughter an interesting cat fact. If you drop any cat it will fall at 32-feet per second squared.

She immediately replied, "That's a rumor started by dogs."

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[NSFW] Anything you want

My wife left for work this morning, and almost immediately I got a call from my next door neighbour telling me to come around quick as she needed my help.

So, I knock on her door, and she opens the door in a robe and immediately drags me into the living room. She then drops the robe to revea...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker look...

There's a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.

Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

So I went to see the Dr. he asks: “And what seems to be the problem?"

A little embarrassed, I replied “ Well I seem to have a small lettuce leaf growing out of my back passage Dr!"

At which point he instructed me to drop my trousers while he had a quick look.

“Mmmm . . . I’m afraid I’m going to have to call an ambulance and have you rushed into hospital...

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The Four Balconies- NSFW

There was an apt building with 4 balconies. On the bottom one there was a guy that loved to eat pickles every day out there. On the balcony above him was an eccentric painter that was obsessed with the color green and if anything, even a leaf flew by, he'd grab it and paint it green. On the 3rd balc...

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

...

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There was a fly buzzing about one foot above the river. A trout saw the fly and thought, ‘If that fly comes down six inches, I can jump out of the water and catch it’.

What the trout didn’t see was a bear hiding behind the bush who also saw the fly and realised what the trout was up to and thought, ‘If I wait until the fly drops six inches, the trout will jump and I’ll catch the trout’.

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the trout watching the f...

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Moses and Jesus are playing golf.

Moses steps up to the tee and hits a beautiful shot 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hooks the ball into the trees.

Jesus looks up into the heavens, raises his arms, and suddenly the sky darkens. A thunder clap rings out, rain pours dow...

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Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened.

His friend says" Well if it had happened only once, maybe it'...

Son: Dad, I’d like to drop out of high school.

Dad: That’s alright son, just remember.
Son: Remember what?
Dad: I don’t like pickles on my Big Mac.
————————————
My topping game sucks, guess I gotta go to McDonald’s more often

What did Dave Grohl say when he dropped his GoPro into the ocean?

There Goes My Hero!

Could you imagine a game about jokes that have item drops and the rarest item in the game is known as “the punchline” which has a drop chance of 1/100000?

Friend: “hey Jordan, what you up to?”

Me: “I’ve been playing this joke game for two years and I still haven’t gotten the punchline.”

What's the worst school to drop out of?

Aviation school.

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I was at a bar and I went up to the bartender and bet him $100 I could piss into the cup without spilling a drop on the table.

So he agreed and I ended up pissing all over the bar table. He called me a sucker and he asked me, "how could you even think you'd win the bet? You stupid?"
Then I told him, "I bet my friend a $1000 that I could piss all over your bar table."

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I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.

A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me.

"Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

A man calls 911

A man calls 911, frantically telling the operator that there has been a hunting accident.

"My friend tripped and dropped his shotgun. It went off, and he accidentally shot himself. He is bleeding, and I don't know what to do. I think he might be dead."

"Okay", the operator says. "Ple...

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

An airplane dropped a shipment of oranges, knives and bombs onto an island......

He then proceeds to land the plane to retrieve the items. While walking down the road, he notices a beggar laughing with joy. He asks him, "Why are you laughing?" The beggar responds, "I was walking down the road and oranges fell from heaven!"

After getting the oranges, he continued walking ...

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know t...

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The Knight and the lady (NSFW)

There was a knight married to a beautiful lady. One day, a crusade is called and the knight is forced to leave his castle and head off to the crusades. Before he goes he arranged for his wife to wear a chastity belt, to ensure that none of his servants try anything with her in his absence. Yet this ...

A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday

She drops hints to her husband:

"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."

The husband nods knowingly. S...

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Not enough room in heaven

3 men suddenly appear at the same time at the pearly gates. God comes over to the trio and informs them that Heaven has room for just one more today. Whichever man has the worst story will get in.

The first man begins “So get this: I’ve been pretty sure my wife’s been cheating on me for a wh...

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Moral of the Story

There was this fish, just swimming up the river. He looks up, notices a fly. Fish thinks to himself, man, if that fly drops 6 inches, I can have myself a tasty little meal.

On the riverbank, there’s a bear. He notices the fish, and the fly. He thinks to himself, man, if that fly drops 6 inch...

A doctor opens a clinic

A doctor opens a clinic and declares "I have the cure for everything, any cure available for 500rupees. If it doesn't work, I will give you back 1000 rupees"

A man sees the sign and decides to make quick money.

He goes inside the store and complains, "doctor doctor, I seem to have lost...

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Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

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A woman is going through labor on April 1st

Her husband is driving her to the hospital and when they get to their room, he tells the doctor that he can’t watch up close but he asks if he can stand and watch outside the window. The doctor agrees.

As the baby comes out, the husband gets excited as he sees his new child. The doctor grabs ...

A 60 year old, a 70 year old and an 80 year old man are talking...

The sixty year old says:
- Man, the age of 60 is so painful. You walk around the toilet, and you open and close the tap, but still, at the end of the day, you can only pee a few drops... It's horrible!
- That's horrible?! - says the 70 y. o. - At the age of 70 you can barely push anything out ...

A friend of mine used to have the job of holding cue cards for TV presenters, he was fired for dropping them. I tried talking to him about it but...

...he couldn't hold a conversation.

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A priest and his friend are golfing.

The priest is ahead because his friend keeps missing easy putts. He watches in amusement as his friend misses another two-footer.

"Goddamnit! Missed! These just won't drop today," says the friend.

"Now, now, Jon," the priest said. "You shouldn't don't take the Lord's name in vain."
...

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I felt sorry for the hypnotist i saw last night

He hypnotized 7 guys , then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled “FUCK ME” .

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

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In a world where everyone wears their title, a shit-head decided he’d had enough.

He wanted to be more than what he was, but nobody would hire a shit-head.

One day he was in the building of a large corporation, and saw his opportunity. “If I remove the shit from my title, people will think I’m in charge.” He got to work pulling the letters off, one at a time, until they we...

Millions surprised when they heard Julian Castro was dropping out of Presidential Race...

as they didn’t know he was actually running.

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter...

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Three Rabbis

Three rabbis were walking and they came to the more questionable part of town. They pass by a shop that has a sign which reads...

Blowjobs:
$25
$50
$100

The first rabbi looks at the sign and says “My friends, it is time I enjoy some of the joys of the flesh. I am going to g...

I am so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol.

The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the taxi.

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So there's this kid named Jackson . . .

Jackson is about to have his first day of kindergarten.

He knows his name. He's like 5 or 6, or whatever age kindergartners are. They all know their names. That's important.

So Jackson goes into his class. His parents drop him off or whatever. Class starts and the teacher starts doing ...

What happens if you drop a computer on your feet?

It hertz

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