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Drop Jokes

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus...
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The bad news is, I dropped my cactus today

The worse news is that I caught it
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Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I’m dropping pounds

Only two, but still more than anyone expected.
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Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.
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If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be just water under the fridge.
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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

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I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.

A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me.

"Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

A guy is camping and finds his buddy standing over an outhouse toilet about to drop a $50 bill down the hole.

“What on earth are you doing?” he asks his buddy.

His friend replies “I was taking a dump and a $10 bill fell out of my pocket and went down the hole…… and I sure as hell ain’t going down there for ten bucks”.
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Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"
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Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.

I …don’t know what to make of it.
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I had a friend who worked in a sex toy warehouse. He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a lift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

WOW, #2 on r/jokes! I'm the shit! Thanks everyone.

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...
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My girlfriend dropped this on me after some Tex-Mex last night ...

"I'm chilly"

She steps closer and takes my hand

"Will you be my con queso?"

And before I could even respond ...

"Sorry, was that too cheesy for you?"
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I was furious at my English teacher for dropping me down to a B for missing just a single period.

However, I'm sure he'll be worried enough to increase it to an A after I inform him that I've actually missed three periods.
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You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant....

If it floats: boy ant.

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Of there's more life in one drop of semen than a drop of blood.

Why don't vampires sick dick?

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...
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As an experiment, I combined some Viagra with penis enlarging pills and dissolved them in some eye drops.

It made me take a long, hard look at myself.

The price of oil has dropped so far that...

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.
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Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
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The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
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I just dropped my phone in the bath...

Now it's synching...
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A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
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What do you get when you drop a bomb in a French kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart.
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Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.
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What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor
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A few hours ago I dropped a piece of ice

It slid under the refrigerator. I was really upset at first but now it's water under the fridge.
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My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.

Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.

Me: Oh, man thats terrible.

Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.
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If you ever find yourself in prison, don't drop the soap.

It's full of criminals and you may not get it back.
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From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.
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To The Guy Who Watched Me Drop My Soap

You're a pain in the ass, you know that?
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A cheap man dropped a penny from the fifth floor

When he came down to pick it up he couldn't find it and was about to go crazy.

5 seconds later the penny reached the ground.
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Necrophiliacs are only interested in women that are drop dead gorgeous.

That’s all.
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I went to a new doctor the other day and found the doctor to be a young, drop-dead gorgeous female!

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before, Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can." I said, "I think my penis tastes funny..."

An Scotsman accidentally dropped a penny into an open sewage pit

The pit was full of excrement, and after a few moments of thinking the Scotsman concluded:

"It's not worth it. I will never dive in for a penny!"

Then he checked his pockets for some change, picked two pounds and throw it to the pit:

"Now it's better" he said and jumped into the...
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A blonde accidentally drops 20$ down the toilet

She asks her boyfriend to grab it for her and he says:

"Y'know, honey, 20$ isn't really worth putting my hand on the toilet."

"Would 70$ be worth it?"

"70$? Yeah, I suppose."

The blonde drops 50$ down the toilet.
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The companies that dropped Johnny Depp must really regret their decisions

They shouldn't have followed the Heard
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When a fly drops 5 inches

A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly, dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops.
A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps.
A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and waits for...

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.
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Passing through his son’s college town late one night, a father decides to drop in and pay his kid a visit.

The father knocks on the fraternity house door. No one answers. He knocks louder, but still no answer. He begins to bang angrily on the door. Finally, a head pops out of a window on the second floor. “You need something, pal?” a frat brother asks from the window.



“Yes, does Billy Powe...
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Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen...

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
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During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line.

Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.
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New pun just dropped

Try this one on for sighs
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I’m making a movie about dropping the F-bomb.

Gonna call it Effenheimer.
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What happens when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A-flat minor
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I dropped 4 tabs of acid yesterday







>!So I picked them up!<
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The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Viva la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la Es...

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One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon."It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long...

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After a sleepover, a boy drops a girl at her home

He puts his hand on the wall by the gate for support, leans toward her.

BOY : Can I kiss you?

GIRL: Not now, we're home.

BOY : Please.

GIRL: No.

BOY : You were damn sexy in bed today.

GIRL: You too, full of energy. I cannot believe we had four rounds!
...

What do you call it when you drop an apple on the ground?

A fruit by the foot
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I made pancakes while hungover, but dropped them on the unswept floor.

Hair of the dog
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It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child

Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki
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Protip for women : if a guy you met doesn't seem to leave you despite dropping hints,do the following

1. Talk about your horoscope

2. Talk about your cat

3. Talk about your cat's horoscope if he is still around ..
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I dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday....

It caused severe pain To-ma-toes.
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I dropped my lava lamp into a deep hole in the ground.

And now I can’t reach my magma lamp.
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What do you call it when you drop your waffle on the beach of SoCal?

Sandy eggo
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NEVER, EVER, drop acid

Always take it, pass/fail
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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

What happens if you drop a nuclear weapon on a dyslexic person?

It's unclear.
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What do bards drop when you kill them?

Lute.
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What do you call a waffle you drop in the desert?

San Diego

^^San-dee-eygo
^^^^sandee-eygo
^^^^^sandy-eggo
^^^^^i'll ^^^^let^^^^myself^^^^out
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What did Kanye do after getting dropped by Adidas?

Some Sole searching
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Why do you have to be careful when trees start dropping feathers instead of leaves?

It could be your down-fall
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You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?

He couldn’t spell.

Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream cone?

He was run-over by a car.
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A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

I dropped my Rolex in a club. Some guy was assaulting the bartender near where i'd dropped it.

I walk over and push this guy out the way and call the cops on him. Then I grab my Rolex and think, "Not on my watch!"
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What did the buffalo say when he dropped his son off at school?

Bison
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The US just dropped a new single today

It quickly became the number 1 hit in Afghanistan
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If I had a drop of beer for every time I made a bird pun..

I'd have toucans.
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I just saw my wife trip over and drop the box of clothes she just ironed.

I..watched it all unfold.
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A drop in drinking and driving

An off duty police officer walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's new?" the bartender asks. "Well the good news is that drinking and driving has gone down," the officer says. "Well that makes sense," the bartender replies. "I mean, who can afford to do both?"
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Dropped my phone in a load of mayo

What the Hellmann
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Q: What’s green, has six legs, and if it drops out of a tree onto you will kill you?

A: A pool table.

Bonus Joke!!!

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Doesn't matter, he won't come.
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I dropped my swear jar on my foot.

Just to see if I'd learnt anything.
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I just dropped my biro into a vat of acid. Do you know what happens when you drop a biro into a vat of acid?

Well, it de-pens.
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A mother had three kids called Drop, Feather, and Brick

A mother had three kids called Drop, Feather, and Brick.

Perplexed, the first kid asks his mother "Mom, why did you named me Drop?"

And she says: "Because when you were born, a little drop fell in your head..."

The second kid asks: "Mom, why did you named me Feather?"

She...
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What do being mad at the world and watching the ball drop have in common?

Both involve yelling at a big blue ball.

P.S: Happy New Year! 10 more minutes!
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Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"

The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"

The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is d...
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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

If you missed the ball drop last night....

Just watch FSU in the Rose Bowl
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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

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Did you know that an American president gave the order to drop two atomic bobs on Japan?

It's Truman

A man goes to his friend's house and knocks on the door.

The wife responds and only had a towel on her.
The man looks at her and says: is your husband here?
She said: yes, he's taking a bath.
The man: I'll give you $100 if you drop the towel.
Wife: you are crazy, I would never do that.
The man: I'll give you $250 if you drop...
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I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT

I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.

He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.
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I accidentally dropped my swear jar

About 700 motherfuckers escaped.

Despite constantly dropping the ball...

Gravity is pretty reliable
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If the fly would only drop six inches

Once upon a time there was a fish swimming in a river when it sees a huge fly above the water. The fish thinks to itself, "Man, if that fly would just drop six inches I could jump up and get a meal!"

Well on the bank of the river is a bear. The bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks t...

Why don't people sympathise when your books drop to the floor?

Because you only have your shelf to blame
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Eating porridge I just dropped on the floor is fine

It's the 5 Second Gruel
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my gf was dropping hints and leaving jewelry/ring catalogues around

I got so fed up I bought her a magazine organiser
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My 2 year old son dropped my phone and cracked the screen.

So I sold it and bought a new one.



Not sure what to do about the phone though.
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Name dropping

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Keanu Reeves and I are good friends," he brags to the bartender. "Just not with each other."
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If one drop of semen

If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don’t vampires suck cock?

Oh wait… Twilight.

What did Franklin D. Roosevelt say after he dropped his pickle?

"I want a new dill."
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Them Aussie Drop Bears!

A man in the Aussie Outback wakes up one morning to find a deadly drop bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Macca's Drop Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The drop bear remover arrives and gets out...

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

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The Irish Square testicals

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is alwa...

Why did the kid drop his ice cream?

Because he got hit by a bus
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An old lady in front of me dropped a $20 note, so I asked myself, "what would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
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I dropped my headphones in the toilet

and now they sound like shit.

In University I was doing a 'Degree In Communism' . . . but had to drop out after the first year . . .

. . . lousy Marx
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A parachutist is about to drop from a plane tommorow as part of a military excercise..

His mother calls him at midnight and with terror in her voice she says:
Do not go tommorow!! I saw a terrible dream, your parachute was not working and you were killed!! Please dont do it!!!
The soldier was terrified about his mothers dream but he still got into the plane. As the persons where...

My friend told me, "did you know trees drop edible stuff that's not fruit?"

"that's nuts" I replied.
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My mom dropped this one on me

Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she sna...
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A drunk man drops his keys

After a night of heavy drinking, at around 2 a.m. a man staggers to get home. He hears his keys fall out of his pockets. Annoyed by this he swears and starts looking for them.

Some time later a cop car patrolling the area stops by him and a policeman gets out of the car and asks him:

...
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

What does a ska drummer do when they drop a stick?

Pickitup pickitup pickitup!
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In Las Vegas people can tithe by dropping casino chips into the offertory.

And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit.

He's the Chip Monk.
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Rain drop, drop top....

Mariah Carey's career ended before the ball dropped.
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Why did the socialist drop out of school?

He was really struggling with the classes.

Getting really low Marx.
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At church one Sunday, a teenager made a contribution to the collection plate by dropping in a coin from his pocket.

As he passed the plate along, someone behind him tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a $20 note. Impressed by the person's generosity, the teenager added the $20 to the collection plate.

But then he received another tap on his shoulder and heard a whisper, "Son, that was your $20. It fe...
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An elderly Man goes to the Doctor.

Man:"Doctor i need help, recebtly i got a new Girlfriend, 26 years old and im pretty much impotent can you help me?"

Doctor:"I have the right thing for you, please drop your pants."

The Man drops his Pants and the Doctor puts a syringe in his Penis, containing a blue liquid.

The...

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Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

What's the worst school to drop out of?

Aviation school.
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Where did Susie go when the bombs dropped?

She went everywhere
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Why did the smiley emoji :-) drop the nose :) ???

It was too negative.
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A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms.

When his turn arrives, he looks at the cashier and asks "I'm sorry, I forgot to buy condoms, can you ask someone to bring me a packet?"

"That's fine", she tells him, "what size do you need?". He'...
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Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
'Wh...

There's a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.

Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.
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Dropping a load on the washer

Has a totally different meaning if you have an appliance fetish.
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Why did the ape drop the ball?

He thought he was the king of the juggle.
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I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children."

I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.
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What did Jesus drop in his toilet?

Holy shit!!!

What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a beehive?

B flat.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a Morris Marina?

An episode of Top Gear.
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What do you get when you drop a smart phone into a deep fryer?

An Apple fritter
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Rain drop drop top....

1k upvotes and i'll sub to /r/clopclop
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A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around,

that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshore...

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Confucius say man who drops watch in toilet...

...has shitty time

One day in August, Julius Caesar was standing on the balcony in his palace, watching the leaves drop silently from the trees.

He was witnessing….The Fall of the Roman Empire.
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Did you hear about the detective who dropped his phone?

He cracked the case
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I saw a guy drop a 100 dollar bill, I picked it up and asked myself: "what would Jesus do?"

......So I turned it into wine
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I witnessed my wife trip and drop all the laundry.

She got red with embarassment and said: "Did you see that?"

I said: "I watched it all unfold."
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The Vienna Boys Choir is having a special New Year’s Eve concert. At midnight there will be a ball drop and…

…all the Sopranos will become Altos.
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I dropped my phone in the toilet yesterday

Now the call quality is shit

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