Can't Stop Jokes - 51 Hilarious Can't Stop Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.

On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - who could it b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pringles: "Once you pop, you can't stop."

Why the fuck are they resealable then?

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's it called when you can't stop doing cocaine? Addicted.

What's it like when you smoke every day? Addicted.

If you have a compulsion to bet your money on the horses, you are -- addicted.

Who invaded Ukraine? A dick did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you see the film about the guy who can't stop crywanking?

It was a tearjerker.

I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful.

I can't stop listening to Daft Punk.

Just One More Time.

"Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop singing 'I Want It That Way'."

Doctor: "Tell me why."

I can't stop eating left-over Thanksgiving..

I guess I need to quit cold turkey.

I can't stop making puns

Some say it's a gift. Some say it's a punishment

I can't stop watching movies with strong female leads

I'm a heroine addict

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's New Pussycat'."

"Ah. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

Doctor, doctor, I can't stop wearing transparent underpants.

Well, I can clearly see your nuts.

What do you call a telescope that can't stop running into stuff?

A kaleidoscope.

I just can't stop ogling at hot 18 year olds dressed in nothing but panties.

I could say I've a knicker teen addiction.

I have a problem- I can't stop cursing.

Whenever the most minor inconvenience happens to me, I just blurt out things like, "Bad luck upon your family for seven days."

I got bitten by a mosquito and now I can't stop singing "Nessun Dorma"

I think I might have male-aria.

A man goes to a doctor and complains "Every time i walk, i can't stop farting."

The doctor tells him to walk a few steps. He does, farting. The doctor tells him to walk slow. He does, still farting. After 5 minutes of walking and farting, the doctor walks out and returns with a long, hooked pole. "What the hell are you gonna do with that?!?" yells the patient." The doctor repl...

I just can't stop making dad jokes!

I don't know how much father I can go....

My friend can't stop rhyming when he speaks.

I think he's Seussophrenic.

What do you call a magic user that can't stop laughing?

A Wheezeard

I've got a terrible addiction, I can't stop eating deli meats.

I'm trying to quit cold turkey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's it called when a teenager going through puberty, can't stop looking at breasts

An eye-dem-titty crisis

"Doctor, I can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Oh, do you drink very much?"

"No, I spill most of it."

I taught my brother how to make his own cheese and now he can't stop!

I created a muenster.

I can't stop my dog from digging in the garden.

I guess in the end I'll have to take the shovel from him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 priests are out fishing on a boat..

One of them says "We should confess our sins to one another."

The first one says "I have a gambling problem, I sneak out at night and gamble away all my money..

The second one says "I have an addiction to porn and can't stop looking at it."

The third one says "I am a gossip and ...

I've been coughing and sneezing all day and now I can't stop singing old Frank Sinatra songs.

I think I've got crooner virus.

I can't stop making figurines of Frodo

It's hobbit forming.

What kind of person can't stop watching 'Fifty Shades of Grey'?

A colorblind synaesthesiac listening to the radio

Young boy: Mommy, Mommy I can't stop spinning in circles!

Mommy: Shut up, or I will nail your other foot to the floor too!

There's a new 12 step program for people who can't stop talking.

On-and-on-anon.

What's the name of the reindeer that's directly behind Rudolf? You know the one, he's just as fast as Rudolf but can't stop as fast.

Larry the Brown Nosed Reindeer

I've just discovered that I have a logic fetish.

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

I Can't stop watching doomsday films like The End of the World (1916), The War of the Worlds (1953), Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), The day the Earth stood still (1951) The Omega Man (1971)

It's like there's no tomorrow.

What do you call someone who can't stop reading Nancy Drew novels?

A heroine addict.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."

Me: "I can't stop singing Barenaked Ladies."

Priest: "How long has it been since your last confession?"

Me: "It's been..."

My friend's new flame is in a wheelchair. Despite that he is madly in love and can't stop talking about her.

Personally i find her pretty lame.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

There is a house on my street that I can't stop staring at.

It's front door is especially entrancing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who ...

My girlfriend thinks I'm insane and wants me to see a psychiatrist. She's threatening to leave me if I don't because I can't stop singing Gnarls Barkley.

Does that make me crazy?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 25 y.o. goes to her therapist...

Patient: "Doctor, I feel so bad lately, since I got my first raise at work, I can't stop taking cash outta my bank account and then go buy a bunch of useless stuff...

Doctor: "Hmm, can you describe more precisely how you are feeling?"

Patient: "Well, I get such a high when I take the m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Rorschach Test (Classic)

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."

The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots.

"What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The younger son of a Danish farmer,

Couldn't inherit his parents farm, because his older brother got the farm.

So he moved to Texas to start his own farm there.

After working on the farm and expanding it for fifty years, he finally finds the time to visit his family back in Denmark.

And he can't stop bragging a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is jacking off on a plane

There are no other people in his row as the plane is relatively empty. So he's been going at it for a couple of minutes now, but suddenly an air hostess catches him red handed.
"Sir! This is not appropriate behaviour! Please stop this act immediately!"
"No way woman! I'm right about to ejacula...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Priest takes a walk down to the docks one day

and runs into a fisherman that attends his church. Upon hearing that the priest has a few hours off the fisherman invites him out to sea to fish with him.

Out at sea it doesn't take long for the fisherman to realize that the priest has no idea how to fish, so he gives him some quick instructi...

My girlfriend got the COVID vaccine and it seems like the main side effect is...

...that she can't stop talking about getting the COVID vaccine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thats it,I can't take much anymore. I'm divorcing my wife. First it was some guy in a drunk party,then it was her ex-bf, her boss, my best friend, some Uber driver and even her stepbrother..

I just can't stop sucking cocks.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I can't stop tripping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A beautiful prostitute

A man is driving around the New York City late one night looking for a prostitute. He pulls over at a corner and sees what may be the most gorgeous woman he's ever laid eyes on. The man says, "you are one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen out here, I've gotta ask, how much do you charge for...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.