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Allowed Jokes

What's the only thing vegans are allowed to kill?

The conversation,

Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies?

Orphans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

The bartender says "No time travelers allowed in this bar"

Two time travelers walk into a bar

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

A man with a great dane and a man with a Chihuahua go to a bar, but it says “no pets allowed”

One man says to the other “how will we bring our dogs inside?”
The second man gives the first a pair of very dark sunglasses and says “do what I do.”
He goes inside and the manager says “Sorry, no pets allowed.”
The man says “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog.”
“A great dane? ...

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What do you call boobs that everyone is allowed to touch?

Communititties

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Yesterday at the zoo I was allowed into the lion enclosure

I said to the lion handler “What do I do if the lion tries to attack me?”

He replied “Don’t be afraid it’s very simple, if the lion charges you, reach behind your back, grab a pile of shit off the ground and throw it in the lions face”

I said to him “But what if I reach behind me and t...

Why wasn't Steve Jobs allowed to fart at home?

His house didn't have windows!

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"No Jews Allowed"

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send...

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My wife told me her gynaecologist said she wasn't allowed to have sex for two weeks.

She smacked me when I asked her what her dentist said.

Eminem isn't allowed to get the full COVID vaccine

He only gets one shot

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

Are Christian’s allowed to sing Eminem in church?

Or do their Psalms get sweaty?

From my 7-year-old: What room are zombies not allowed in?

The living room.

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

"Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?"

"I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"

"Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Black people are allowed to say the n-word while white people can't.

But white people can say things that black people can't. Like, "Thanks for the
warning officer," and "Hi dad."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

Why are you not allowed to do calculus intoxicated?

It's illegal to drink and derive.

As leader of the USSR, Gorbachev was allowed to conduct weddings

He liked to keep them brief:

Gorbachev: You want to marry her?

Groom: Da

Gorbachev: You want to marry him ?

Bride: Da

Gorbachev: Then so be it.

He was a master of the So-be-it union

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

A Muslim temporarily forgets that he's not allowed to eat bacon...

hamnesia

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

Pencils can be really sharp, but they are still allowed on planes.

That’s because… they needed to draw the line somewhere.

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

Why is 'reverse cow girl' not allowed in Alabama?

Because you shouldn't turn your back on family

No dogs allowed here

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and...

Why aren't cats allowed in astrophysics

It'd be a catastrophe

What four elements are you not allowed to bring to your job?

Nitrogen, sulfur, fluorine, and tungsten…because they are NSFW.

why aren't fish allowed online

They always get hooked on the inter net

Why is Trump no longer allowed in the White House?

Cause it's for-Biden.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers
stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the
door saying "GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of...

In most African countries, you’re not allowed to take your food home from a restaurant.

Except one——Togo.

I was never allowed to see Alien vs. Predator as a kid

The closest I got was watching my uncle rant about immigrants.

What do you call a redditor that's not allowed to be near kids?

A predditor

I asked a monk if they were allowed to send emails

He said yes as long as there are no attachments

Why is Shia LeBeouf not allowed in Saudi Arabia?

Because he is Shia.

Why is mastrubation on a flying plane not allowed ?

Because high jacking is illegal

Why isn’t American allowed back in Afghanistan

We’re talibanned

Why wasn't the elf allowed to use the step ladder to decorate the Christmas tree?

Because of 'elf and safety restrictions.

My son wasn't allowed on the rollercoaster because he's not big enough.

How mean is that...making a two-year-old watch their dad go on it alone?!

What jokes are allowed during quarantine?

Inside jokes.

I recently heard that Turkeys aren't allowed to play baseball.

No matter how many times they hit, they'll always hit Fowl balls.

Before women were allowed in court...

We probably had more hung juries

Why was France not allowed to join AUKUS?

Because FAUKUS wouldn't sound right to scare China.

The Secret Service are no longer allowed to say "Get down Mr. President!"

Now they have to yell "Donald, Duck!"

Why wasn’t the number 3 allowed back into school after failing his Spanish test?

Because there’s No Trespassing!!






I’ll show myself out

My husband said I'm not allowed to make shortbread any longer.

Because then it would be longbread.

Did you hear about the pilot that wasn't allowed to fly because of a house arrest?

He was grounded

Why was baby shark not allowed to be an altar boy?

Because its mouth has too many teeth to doo doo doo.

You’re not allowed to use ‘beef-stew’ as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay men shouldn't be allowed kids...

... no one could survive that many dad jokes!

I want to fix the roof at our shop, but my boss says only he is allowed to make that decision...

The problem is over my head.

If you clone the president of the United States that's allowed

If you clone him twice that's also allowed

But if you clone him a third time ...

That's four-Biden

To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

We need to rise up against children with leukaemia

My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore...

I had to put my foot down

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What is the maximum speed allowed for sex?

68
Because at 69 you roll over

If prisoners were allowed to take their own mugshots

they would be called, cellfies.

Is black comedy allowed on here?

Wanted to post a Kevin Hart joke.

Why is getting high in Netherlands is allowed ?

So that they can be level with rest of the world.

Did you know Gregorian monks aren't allowed to make puns?

They cant

[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?

Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.

Why are color blind people not allowed to join the Air Force?

Because they won’t know who they’re supposed to bomb.

Are knock knock jokes allowed?

Knock knock...
"Who's there?"
I eat mop....

Why shouldn't people from Texas be allowed to drive?

Because they're always Texan and driving

No sergeants allowed

It's a Private party.

Why do soldiers need to ask every time if they are allowed into battle?

It's permission

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

News: Pope says men are now allowed to date nuns

...So long as they don't get into the habit.

A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens.

They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's it, no more vagina jokes allowed!

Period!

Why was covid not allowed into a bar?

Cus covid 19

Why aren't people allowed to bbq naked during hot, dry climates?

High risk of Bush fires.

Ana is no longer allowed to the fruit market.

Banana.

Are you allowed to send an email to a friend in prison?

you can do that, but you are not allowed to attach a file.

Who is the only ISP allowed in the Wizarding World?

AOwL

What type of burger isn't allowed on the titanic?

An iceburger

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes.

It was a dick tater ship.

The kardashians shouldn't be allowed to swim

We don't need even more plastic in the ocean

Why was Rembrandt not allowed to by new art supplies?

He was too Baroque

Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

Why aren't chickens not allowed to enter the church?

Because they only use fowl language.

Why aren't MS Word files allowed here?

Rule 4: No docx-ing

Why wasn't Jesus allowed to return to his food service job after he was crucified?

They were afraid of *cross*\-contamination

People who misspell “effect” for “affect” shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

As you can tell, this effects me deeply:)

By the law you are not allowed to have a sick bird

That's ill-eagle

In Israel, why is it that only men are allowed to make coffee?

Because of *Hebrew* law

I wasn't allowed to use any "F" word.

That's how i ended up with " old McDonald had a arm "

Why arent pills allowed in Africa?

Because you can't take them on an empty stomach.

Why aren’t children allowed to watch movies about green ogres?

Because of all the Shrexual content.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Miami Marlins are no longer allowed to use the pain relief product Bengay in their clubhouse.

They must only use Benstraight from now on.

Laughing on the internet is not allowed

It’s against the lol

Men aren't allowed to celebrate Christmas

It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve

In China, citizens *are* allowed to express their own free opinion

So long as the government agrees with it.

Ofcourse mentally disabled people should be allowed to have jobs...

But to make them president of the United States is a bit to much.

Why wasn't I allowed in the Vietnamese Restaurant?

Because they "Banh"ed Mi

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Did you hear about the guy who travelled to Czechoslovakia and wasn't allowed to leave for a long long time?

Poor guy. They made a movie about him: 12 Years A Slav.

Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to spend Christmas together?

Because they have herd immunity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Joins A Monastery, And Takes A Vow Of Silence, Only Allowed To Say Two Words Every Christmas

Every day, they grow their own food and maintain the monastery, all while silently praying.

On the first Christmas, he goes to the abbot and says, "Food's cold." The abbot nods and blesses him.

On the second Christmas, he tells the abbot, "Work's hard." The abbot nods and blesses him....

Why are prisoners not allowed to have email?

Don't want to risk someone attaching a file.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

Turns Out, I'm Not Allowed to Have an OnlyFans Account.

I have a central heating & air system.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a genie today who said he would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"



"You crafty bastard," said the genie.

I wanted to run for president of China, but apparently I'm not allowed to.

At least, that's what Xi said...

Women are finally being allowed to join the SAS!

About time as well, there's no way those brave lads should be cooking their own meals.

I'm not allowed to dress up as a superhero and visit the children's hospital anymore.

And I put so much work into my Thanos costume.

Why are snails allowed on ships?

Escargot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the only nun allowed to have sex?

A step-sister

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor says I’m not allowed to have sex anymore

Apparently I have a nut allergy :/

The warden only allowed boys who did a good deed that day to eat supper in the hostel dining room.



During their induction she taught them what were considered good deeds - running an errand for someone, helping an old lady cross the road, teaching other students things they don't understand and the like are examples of good deeds and should be rewarded, she explained.

The young bo...

Why aren’t vegans allowed to eat pudding?

Cuz you can’t have your pudding if you don’t eat your meat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why aren't Southern Baptists allowed to have sex standing up?

Because it might lead to dancing.

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