UPJOKE
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How do you measure the quality of a dadjoke?

With a sighsmograph

How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

If you measure tomatoness with tomatomometer, and you measure carrotness with a carrotometer, what do you measure peaness with?

A ruler.

What is the smallest unit to measure...

What is the smallest unit to measure distance ?

It's the millimeter !

And what is the smallest unit to measure volume ?

Yes, it's the milliliter !

And so, what is the smallest unit to measure intelligence ?

It's the military !

I always keep a tape measure in my panic room.

Because desperate times call for desperate measures.

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How do scientists measure a person's sex drive?

In kilometers in Europe, and miles in America!

How do you measure a snake?

In inches—they don’t have feet.

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I won a dick measuring competition.

I measured more dicks than everyone!

As a British man, it’s clear that America does pretty much everything wrong, from their measurements to their politics, except for one small thing:

Unlike us, Americans drive on the right side of the road.

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

Megametres are definitely the tastiest unit of measurement.

Mm

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They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

How do you measure a non-binary person’s temperature?

With a themometer!

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I finally measured my penis today...

Apparently my college girlfriend read the "9" on the ruler upside down.

How do you measure Spider-Man's speed?

By using Miles Per Hour.

My friend can make a made to measure suit in one hour.

I like to call him Taylor Swift.

How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.

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A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

What is the standard unit of measurement for the Borg collective?

Cubits

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

How do you measure different levels of pain?

In hertz

What unit of measurement is used on a nose?

Scentimeters!

Do you know why women can't read a tape measure?

Because they've been told 6" inches is 8" all their lives.

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A man notices his wife’s butt is getting big...

“I bet your butt is as big as my grill.”

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife.

He asks her why ...

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

What’s the unit of measure for social influence?

Instagrams

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return;

it's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

How does a satanist measure weight?

In pentagrammes

Finally mustered up the confidence to measure my peen

Thought it was 9 inches until I realized I was measuring with the wrong end of the ruler.

Emergency measures

On behalf of the international community, as a humanitarian measure, we demand that President Putin be admitted to art school on an emergency basis.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

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There’s these three guys, and they’re sitting around a table.

The first guy says “You know what, I’m fast.
I think I’m so fast, I might be the fastest guy in the world”
So his buddies time him, take a picture, and send it to the Guinness book of world records.

The second guy says “You know what, I’m tall.
I think I’m so tall, I might be the...

You’re an electrical measurement, Harry

I’m a watt

How does Santa measure things?

In santameters.

How do you measure the obnoxiousness of middle-aged white women?

In degrees Karenheit.

How do you measure an idea?

In ideograms.

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

Measure of Success

As a toddler, success means not peeing your pants.

At 16, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 50, success means means a great career and a loving family.

At 65, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 90, success means not peeing your pants.

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What is the unit of measure for time traveling breasts?

Quan-tities

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures...

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball.

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume. The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced. The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to measure the volume of a basketball

The mathematician grabs a cord to measure its circumference and from there works out its volume.

The physicist pushes the basketball into a bucket of water and measures the water displacement.

The engineer looks it up on the catalog.

Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes

Which unit do the undead use to measure distances?

Graveyards.

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

Why are rich british people fat?

because they measure their wealth in pounds

Edit: Remember this is just a joke, don't be too offended.

Circle measurements.

Now that's rad.

How do clowns measure their money?

Pennywise.

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

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I sexually identify as a measure of kilometers per second

Because I really want to fucking KM/S

I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.

It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

How do you measure highschoolers?

In joules

How do IT stoners measure their edibles?

In gigglebites.

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The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around

so they wanted to get rid of some of them. To go about this, they decided to offer $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body that they wanted measured. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from the top of his head to his toes. He was 69 inches, so he received...

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Can we start using "stars" as a unit of measurement, instead of inches?

It sounds way better to tell the ladies I have a 5 star penis

How do cats measure the gracefulness of their leaps?

In fluid pounces!

(just came up with this at work, so hopefully this is a new joke to everyone!)

A fathom is a unit of measure equal to 6 feet

Therefore, a cluster of rally attendees not practicing social distancing could be deemed "unfathomable"

I had to measure my last girlfriend in Gigahertz.

Yeah, she was a big freq.

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I've heard that reddit can measure your penis and write the assessment in the flair?!

How does it do it?!

Some Irish scientists measured the size of the coronavirus variant.

It was one O'Micron.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

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The measurement

Got this text from my brother recently. 
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? 

The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. 

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

Why do you measure horses in hands, and not feet?

Because you can't walk up the right side of a horse.

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How do you measure chicken shit?

By the cluck-ton

The United States Senate approved a measure last week to make daylight saving time permanent across the country.

Alabama already did this several years ago, deciding to permanently go back to 1845.

A good joke to ask another person

person 1: What is the unit of measurement used to measure electricity

person 2: What?

person 1: Correct!

When it comes to measurement

The USA has a foot fetish.

I created a new unit of measure for the distance between you and the nearest large, predatory cat. It's called a weem.

Used in a sentence, "That lion is a weem away"

A weem away
A weem away

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom...

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

How do Sith Lords measure things?

In absolute units.

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Out of curiosity, I measured my cock and got 8 inches.

I felt fine until I realized I had the ruler turned backwards.

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

How does the devil measure his drugs?

In pentagrams

How do diabetics measure their sugar intake?

By the foot.

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes

That's why they were called rulers.

I like to play on words and measure objects.

You can say I'm pun to be width.

What units is regicide measured in?

Kiloliters

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In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees

It's either "hot as balls" or "cold as shit."

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Measurements

A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said "ya know honey, I never really noticed how big your ass is. Why, I bet it's just as wide as the range on the grill." To prove his point, the man went and grabbed the tape...

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."

The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a v...

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Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.

The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 po...

What do you call the unit that measures emotions?

A sentimetre.

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Three fourth grade boys get into a dick measuring contest...

The boys are white, black and Asian. They all three pull out their dongs and measure up. The winner ends up being the black dude by a long shot.

When the black boy goes home he goes up to his mom and says "mom! today I got into a contest with the boys where we measured our dicks and I won! Is...

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Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you?

It's said to have a very low margarine of error.

Measure in Miles?

I'd rather knot.

How does a "niceguy" measure how hot a woman is?

Incelsius

I'm dating a girl whose arms measure identically to mine when extended.

I think we're on the same wavelength.

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I measure my penis in Planck lengths...

And I still can't get wood.

I made a new unit to measure weight

It's the new ton.

What do you use to measure grass?

A yard stick.

My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

How do you measure a Lego figure's shoe size?

In square feet.

How do pirates measure rope?

In yarr'ds.

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How does a butter company measure its revenues?

net margarines

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What do you call a guy who hasn’t measured his penis?

A liar

I'll try to translate a joke from my language..

So this blonde goes to the Doctor for a checkup so doc starts asking her:

Age? She starts counting using her fingers, says 22 !

Height? She sees a measuring type of about 5 meters, takes it barely gets to measuring and says 1.75

Then the Doc says, ok could I have your FIRSt nam...

It's crazy that they only have one unit of measurement in North Korea.

A supreme liter

I what is a crackers weight measured in?

In grahams.

How do car companies measure the impact of a collision

A crash test, dummy

What’s Darth Vader favourite measurement system?

The Imperial System

How do you measure pride and accomplishment?

Cents

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

what was stalins favourite measurement of time?

hours

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Snow.

Snow is like a penis.

It's measured in inches and soft to the touch.

It cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it.

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy, if you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you.....

A guy asks for a condom in a drugstore.

The clerk tells him –“I need to know how wide are you to give you the correct size”. He tells her he has no idea. So pharmacist hands him a wooden board with different diameter holes in it and tells him to go to bathroom and measure. He comes back 15 minutes letter and tells her – “The Hell with th...

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