How does a pirate measure distance?

With Yaaards!

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Out of curiosity, I measured my cock and got 8 inches.

I felt fine until I realized I had the ruler turned backwards.

I always keep a tape measure in my panic room.

Because desperate times call for desperate measures.

Finally mustered up the confidence to measure my peen

Thought it was 9 inches until I realized I was measuring with the wrong end of the ruler.

It's crazy that they only have one unit of measurement in North Korea.

A supreme liter

An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me.

Its felt like a sine from God

How do you measure the value of Chinese philosophy on the stock market?

The Tao-Jones Industrial Average.

How do you measure an idea?

In ideograms.

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures...

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What do you call a guy who hasn’t measured his penis?

A liar

I tried to build myself an armchair, but I screwed up some of the measurements and made it too wide

So near, and yet sofa

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

Why do Americans still use imperial measurement system where almost the entire world has transitioned to metric?

Not necessarily, they've been using 9mm at schools.

How does a satanist measure weight?

In pentagrammes

Circle measurements.

Now that's rad.

Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work

It's a counter strike

How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

How does Santa measure things?

In santameters.

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

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I've heard that reddit can measure your penis and write the assessment in the flair?!

How does it do it?!

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The guy with the giant penis

There once was a man with a 50 centimeter long schlong. He could not find any partners because it was too long. So he went to the Doctor’s office.

«Doctor, please help me! My penis is too long and I want it sportened, is there anything you can do?»

- «No.» said the doctor. «But.. There...

Did you hear about the carpenter who only measured floors losing his construction job?

I heard he got fired because he never measured up

Three contractors bid to fix a fence at 10 Downing Street...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 10 Downing Street. One is from up North another is from Poland, and the third is a Tory Party Donor. All three go with a Tory Party official to examine the fence.

The contractor from up north takes out a tape measure and does some measuri...

A fathom is a unit of measure equal to 6 feet

Therefore, a cluster of rally attendees not practicing social distancing could be deemed "unfathomable"

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

How long does it take someone who doesn't understand astronomical measurements to change a lightbulb?

A lightyear

What units is regicide measured in?

Kiloliters

I wanted to put a measure on the ballot that would release all English instructors from prison, but apparently...

**you can't end sentences with a proposition.**

Why do you measure horses in hands, and not feet?

Because you can't walk up the right side of a horse.

I what is a crackers weight measured in?

In grahams.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

When it comes to measurement

The USA has a foot fetish.

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A world known pair of thieves were visiting the Escoffier Museum of Culinary Arts in France.

They were looking to make their final steal the biggest yet. They walk up the pearly white steps and into the old yellow plastered building.

As they walk in, the man turns to the woman and asks, "What do you think we should take? I want our last job to be remembered for years!"

The wo...

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Soo, I measured my penis using a carpenters ruler.

I'm pretty proud to say, that I have a 195 cm long dick.

William Shakespeare came to get vaccinated.

Nurse: Which arm?

Shakespeare: As You Like It

Nurse: Was that painful?

Shakespeare: Much Ado About Nothing

Nurse: You will have to have a second jab.

Shakespeare: Measure For Measure

Nurse: So what do you think of the general awareness with regard to Covi...

Your momma's so fat that when she runs a hundred meter sprint, they don't measure it in seconds

they measure it on the Richter scale

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Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you?

It's said to have a very low margarine of error.

I had to measure my last girlfriend in Gigahertz.

Yeah, she was a big freq.

How do you measure the obnoxiousness of middle-aged white women?

In degrees Karenheit.

My teacher said "What is used to measure power?" In class once.

I told her she was right.

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A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

On...

How do clowns measure their money?

Pennywise.

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

"I've been having really painful bowel movements," I told my doctor.

"How long?" he asked.

"I can't be sure," I replied. "It's not like I measure them."

We got a 12 inch pizza from the store, but we measured its diameter of 11 inches.

They owe us a pi.

Measure of Success

As a toddler, success means not peeing your pants.

At 16, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 50, success means means a great career and a loving family.

At 65, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 90, success means not peeing your pants.

What’s Darth Vader favourite measurement system?

The Imperial System

How do you measure a snake?

In inches since they dont have any feet

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

What unit does a graduated cylinder measure in?

Degrees.

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.
But then you would or wouldn't get it, unless you make a measurement.

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The measurement

Got this text from my brother recently. 
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? 

The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. 

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

What’s a communists favorite measurement of time?

hours.

How did the blonde got pregnant, after taking measures

She went with the biggest

Why is Mike Tyson so interested in measurements in precision machining?

It's in tenths

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. Proceeds to the bar, and asks the bartender if he can sit and have a few beers as his monkey joins him.

It’s slow, so the bartender says “sure.”

After a few drinks, the guy asks the bartender if he would keep an eye on his monkey while he uses the...

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

I'm dating a girl whose arms measure identically to mine when extended.

I think we're on the same wavelength.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...

How do IT stoners measure their edibles?

In gigglebites.

Have you ever dated a girl that was really into horses and thought, there’s no way I’ll ever measure up to him...

For one thing I can’t even stand wearing a saddle

A full scale naval confrontation is just avoided off the Kerry coast.

Radio transcript.


Irish: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

British: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

Irish: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a...

A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.

Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.

The biologist says - “They must’ve reproduced!”

The physicist says - “This must be a measurement error!”

The mathematician says - “If one more person enters, the house...

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

A cowboy walks into a bar. “What can I get for you?” the bartender asks. “A double whiskey, neat,” he replies.

As the bartender pours, she asks, “How’s it going today?”

“I have a problem with my horses,” the cowboy admits. “I want to train one of them to be a racehorse and the other to be a workhorse, but they look so similar I can’t tell them apart!”



The bartender thinks it over for a ...

What do you call a professional unit of measurement?

Program

In my day, schooling was so severe.

If we got answers wrong in class, teachers would hit us with unbreakable metal rulers.

Tough measures.

I just found out that there are at least three different ways that temperature is measured

I learned about it from my local K-F-C

Which unit do the undead use to measure distances?

Graveyards.

I like to play on words and measure objects.

You can say I'm pun to be width.

How do cats measure the gracefulness of their leaps?

In fluid pounces!

(just came up with this at work, so hopefully this is a new joke to everyone!)

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A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

IQ tests are a foolproof measure of intelligence.

If you care about your score you're a certified idiot.

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Trump and Obama are the new standard for penis measurement

One of them is a dick. The other one is a ruler.

You know there's a unit of measurement for pain?

Its called Hertz

My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

Ball volume

A mathematician, scientist, & engineer were tasked with finding the volume of a ball



The mathematician derived it using a formula given the circumference



The scientist measured the displaced volume when submerged in water

The engineer found the model # ...

A guy asks for a condom in a drugstore.

The clerk tells him –“I need to know how wide are you to give you the correct size”. He tells her he has no idea. So pharmacist hands him a wooden board with different diameter holes in it and tells him to go to bathroom and measure. He comes back 15 minutes letter and tells her – “The Hell with th...

How do you measure Millenials?

In Instagrams...

My friend and I were trying to figure out the circumference of his mid section, but neither of us knew how to work a tape measure...

...we decided it was a total waist.

How does a "niceguy" measure how hot a woman is?

Incelsius

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In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees

It's either "hot as balls" or "cold as shit."

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Mr. Johnson has been having constant headaches ever since his teenage years. For years and years his doctor tries to cure him, but the headaches only get worse and worse.

Finally, one day, the doctor asks Mr. Johnson to undress. After inspecting Mr. Johnson's body, he sees the problem.

"You have an extremely rare condition," explains the doc. "Your testicles are pressed up against your spinal cord, giving you headaches. This condition has no known cause and on...

Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?

Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

Why is a Stormtrooper's height of 5'11" measured in feet and inches?

They use Imperial measurements

How do you measure highschoolers?

In joules

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."

The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a v...

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

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America wants to repay its soldiers after the Afghanistan war.

After the Afghanistan war was over, America decided that every soldier can choose a certain part of their body to be measured, and they will get as many thousands of dollars as the lenght of that body part.


First soldier wants to be paid his hight. He will be measured from the tip of his ...

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A man notices his wife's butt is getting big

I bet your butt is as big as my grill."

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure,
measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases
her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not
tonight," says his wife.

He asks ...

A blonde walks into a bar looking frustrated

The bartender asks her, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the hor...

Why do anarchists prefer the Imperial system of measurement?

They want to live in a liter-less society!

What's the tastiest unit of measurement?

Milimeter (mm)

Yeah I know my measures of central tendency...

...mean, median, Depeche Mode.

How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.

A farmer ask his neighbor:

A farmer ask his neighbor: Do you have way to identify cows? I have two and i want to know which is which.

The neighbor, thinks:
Umm, you can cut the edge of the ear of only one of them.

The next week,
Farmer: I've tried your idea but the other cow got too close to the sharpe fi...

What do you call the unit that measures emotions?

A sentimetre.

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My wife and I are a perfect match....I've got a 9-inch penis.....

And she doesn't know which end of the tape measure to hold.

we should stop making fun of the Americans for using inches, foot, miles, etc as units of measurements.

it's not like they crashed a rocket into Mars because of this or something... oh wait...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar.

Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"...

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The nun and the blind man.

A nun is taking a bath and hears a knock on the door. The nun asks, “Who is it?”
A man replies, “It’s the blind man!”
Thinking, oh he’s blind what harm could it do she then responds “Come in.”
A man comes through the door with a utility belt around his waist and tape measure in hand. He loo...

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes

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Immortal porpoises

One day Timmy has had enough. He is completely burned out, so he decides to use his saved up vacation days to go hiking in the mountains. He packs his tent and all his camping gear, and starts driving.

After many hours of driving he finialy arrives. He puts his backpack on his back and hea...

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