This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I once had a girl break up with me because I wasn't into the whole pissing fetish. No half measures when it comes to that fetish.

Either urine or you're out.

Which unit do the undead use to measure distances?

Graveyards.

The supermassive black hole in the core of the Messier 87 galaxy measures 40 billion km across, three million times the size of the Earth, and has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun.

Almost as big as your mom.

How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper.

Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.

Why are rich british people fat?

because they measure their wealth in pounds

Edit: Remember this is just a joke, don't be too offended.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I couldn't figure out a way to measure the amount of sluts to non-sluts.

So I asked my friend Horatio.

I heard that scientists are meeting to redefine units of measure.

I'm kind of afraid that if we give them an inch they'll take a mile.

What do Indians use to measure sound?

Desi bells

How did the man hope to measure his hopelessness?

He searched for the the sin of his angle of depression.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I measure my penis in Planck lengths...

And I still can't get wood.

Why does Mike Tyson use an engineer's tape measure instead of a carpenter's tape measure?

Because he finds the experience much more in tenths.

How do car companies measure the impact of a collision

A crash test, dummy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Physics Student

Some time ago, I received a call from a colleague who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an
examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for her answer to a physics question, while the student
claimed she should be given a perfect score and would, if the system we...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How does a promiscuous Amish woman measure her sexual escapades?

In Mennonite.

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

A scientist is driving around the countryside looking for elderly test subjects to measure how people live longer.

She comes across a dilapidated cabin with a very old and worn-out man sitting in the rocking chair on his front porch.

The scientist approaches the man and says “pardon me, sir, but what’s your secret to long life?”

The man says “I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, drink chocolate m...

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."

The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a v...

I've been calibrating my new device which measures the electric charge of subatomic particles by testing it on Protons

So far, the results have been positive.

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty...

Why don't Jedi measure temperatures in Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes.

What do you call the unit that measures emotions?

A sentimetre.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got fired from my job because the competition was stiff, and I just didn't measure up.

Porn is a hard job.

Kim Jong Un spends his spare time helping his citizens measure all sorts of things

He is quite a ruler.

Proventative measures for preventing disease from biting insects

Don't bite them.

The veteran’s affairs office requests several ex-soldiers to come by and hear about a new pension plan.

“Alright men,” the official begins, “we’ve tried out a lot of pension plans in the past and none of them have worked out. At this point, we’re winging it. We’re going to measure between two points of your body, and whatever the distance is in inches, that’s how many thousand dollars you’ll get. So t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How does a butter company measure its revenues?

net margarines

What do you use to measure grass?

A yard stick.

How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.

My grandad says every morning when he measures his allotment it's a couple of inches smaller than the day before.

I think He's slowly losing the plot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sexually identify as a measure of kilometers per second

Because I really want to fucking KM/S

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How did the nazis measure the efficiency of their gas chambers?

In KillaJews per second

What is a good measure of how likely a girl is to let you f**k her in the ass?

Rule of thumb

What do you call the knight who measures the edge of the round table?.

Sir cumfrence.

I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.

It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

How do you measure pride and accomplishment?

Cents

What device is best to measure a mother's temperature?

A ther-mom-meter

From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.

You are not supposed to twist measuring sticks to measure curves

But I've always been willing to bend the rulers

How do you measure a snake?

In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

Hagrid: Your a measure of power, Harry.

Harry: I'm a watt?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

How do you measure a Lego minifigure's shoe size?

In square feet.

Measure in Miles?

I'd rather knot.

The Engineer's Interview

An engineering firm is looking to fill a position, and has interviewed a few dozen applicants. They've winnowed it down to just three candidates, and they're all bright, motivated, and experienced. To make the final decision, the interviewer decides to pose one last question to each of them. He tell...

Military joke

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the...

How does the devil measure his drugs?

In pentagrams

What unit of measurement did the ancient greeks use to measure their crops?

Demeter.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

How do pirates measure rope?

In yarr'ds.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

How do cows measure time?

In mooments

How to measure the perfect amount of pasta

Step 1: Measure out the perfect amount of pasta.
Step 2: Wrong.

How do you measure how sad someone is?

With a blues scale

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black guy, a white guy, and an Asian guy are riding in a car.

They get pulled over for speeding and the cop tells them if all together their penises add up to 20 inches, then he will let them go.

So they measure the black guy’s penis and its 10 inches.

Then they measure the white guy’s penis and It’s 9 inches.

They then measure the Asian g...

Why should you always rent, rather than buy, a multimeter that measures ohms?

Because it's easier to follow the path of leased resistance.

How do hipsters measure weight?

In Instagrams.

How do you measure how funny an electrical engineer is?

You use an o-silly-scope!

Paddy and Billy were asked to measure a flagpole.

They're standing looking up at the flagpole trying to figure out how on earth to measure the height of the pole.

A young lady comes along and asks why they look so confused.
"We need to measure the height of this pole" says Billy.

So the young lady pulls the pin out of the bottom to...

You can accurately measure a person's intelligence level by giving them a simple prostate exam.

If they let you, they're an idiot.

Typical dumb blonde...

Billy-Bob and Jimmy are standing at the base of a flag-pole, looking up and scratching their heads, when a beautiful blonde woman walks by and inquires about their purpose.
"We've been hired to find out the height of this here flag-pole, such that we might fit it properly with the flag of this gr...

Why did the paleontologist measure the height of a dinosaur using a T-Rex's foot?

Jurassic times call for Jurassic
Measures.

The government have announced new measures to stop migrants from getting into England

Henceforth, Chelsea fans will be in charge of security at Calais.

How do you measure a great misunderstanding?

In kiloWats

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Guys Are Playing Tennis, One Said To The Other...

Maan! My elbow hurts like hell, what should I do about it?? His friend quickly replied, well you could just go down to that new drug store they just built not far from here. They’ve got this, NEW technology, and boy is it amazing— there’s a machine in there that you just put a sample of pee in a tub...

Rich, Dave, and Johnny are contractors.

Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors who are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

Rich first takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure t...

They always tell me, "Measure twice. Cut once"...

...but they never say which of the two measurements I should use to cut by.