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Dick measuring contest

Kind of long


3 men, 1 white, 1 Mexican, and 1 black were standing on a 15 story building.

Mexican: hey let’s measure our dicks. Just throw yours down, and whoever’s makes it the most stories wins.

They all agree, and the white guy goes first. He unzips, throws his dick do...

How do you measure the obnoxiousness of middle-aged white women?

In degrees Karenheit.

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

I always keep a tape measure in my panic room.

Because desperate times call for desperate measures.

Finally mustered up the confidence to measure my peen

Thought it was 9 inches until I realized I was measuring with the wrong end of the ruler.

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Out of curiosity, I measured my cock and got 8 inches.

I felt fine until I realized I had the ruler turned backwards.

How does a pirate measure distance?

With Yaaards!

It's crazy that they only have one unit of measurement in North Korea.

A supreme liter

An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me.

Its felt like a sine from God

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures...

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

How do you measure an idea?

In ideograms.

How do you measure the value of Chinese philosophy on the stock market?

The Tao-Jones Industrial Average.

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What do you call a guy who hasn’t measured his penis?

A liar

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A man wanted to try 69 with his girlfriend

Right in the middle the man realizes he has a dentist appointment. So he pops up and heads to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth 3 times. He uses mouth wash twice and flosses once for good measure.

He gets to the dentist office just in time and his dentist calls him in. Dentist says open wid...

I tried to build myself an armchair, but I screwed up some of the measurements and made it too wide

So near, and yet sofa

How does a satanist measure weight?

In pentagrammes

How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

Why do Americans still use imperial measurement system where almost the entire world has transitioned to metric?

Not necessarily, they've been using 9mm at schools.

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[Long] A guy and his monkey walk into a bar

The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.

The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clink...

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.

The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.

The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

Circle measurements.

Now that's rad.

How does Santa measure things?

In santameters.

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A priest, an engineer and a mathematician stand on the roof of a burning house.

The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "So god help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool....

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Military is cutting staff (repost most likely)

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points ...

Three old sisters...

Mary, Anna and Josephine, live in a house together.

One night Mary runs a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells down the stairs "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

Anna yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses....

Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work

It's a counter strike

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

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I've heard that reddit can measure your penis and write the assessment in the flair?!

How does it do it?!

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A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

[Long] This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. It was released by the Canadian Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

Canadians: Negative. Divert your course 15 degrees to the South

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy sh...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

Th...

A woman had chronic headaches.

She had them since she was in her early teens, and had gone to the doctor, had x-rays, scans, medication, and nothing seemed to help. Finally, she went to a headache specialist, and he told her that her left breast was the cause. The only treatment was to remove the breast. The good news was that he...

A fathom is a unit of measure equal to 6 feet

Therefore, a cluster of rally attendees not practicing social distancing could be deemed "unfathomable"

How long does it take someone who doesn't understand astronomical measurements to change a lightbulb?

A lightyear

Flat earthers are very worried about the pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

What units is regicide measured in?

Kiloliters

Did you hear about the carpenter who only measured floors losing his construction job?

I heard he got fired because he never measured up

I wanted to put a measure on the ballot that would release all English instructors from prison, but apparently...

**you can't end sentences with a proposition.**

A woman with a 69 inch waist goes to the doctor (Calculator Joke)

A woman went to the doctor.

He measured a waist of 69 inches (type into calculator).

He said that that was too, too, too, much (type 222).

And gave her 51 pills (type 51).

But she took 8 times that my (type x8)

Do you know what happened? She became...(Hit = and fli...

I what is a crackers weight measured in?

In grahams.

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

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Soo, I measured my penis using a carpenters ruler.

I'm pretty proud to say, that I have a 195 cm long dick.

When it comes to measurement

The USA has a foot fetish.

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Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you?

It's said to have a very low margarine of error.

Calming measures

The government in Egypt has instructed all the cities taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.

It's hoped the a return to familiar city sounds will help restore calm following the pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n' Calm em will last for a week.

I had to measure my last girlfriend in Gigahertz.

Yeah, she was a big freq.

My teacher said "What is used to measure power?" In class once.

I told her she was right.

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The guy with the giant penis

There once was a man with a 50 centimeter long schlong. He could not find any partners because it was too long. So he went to the Doctor’s office.

«Doctor, please help me! My penis is too long and I want it sportened, is there anything you can do?»

- «No.» said the doctor. «But.. There...

Three contractors bid to fix a fence at 10 Downing Street...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 10 Downing Street. One is from up North another is from Poland, and the third is a Tory Party Donor. All three go with a Tory Party official to examine the fence.

The contractor from up north takes out a tape measure and does some measuri...

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How do you tell the difference between a Hasidic Jew and a Basic Jew?

Measure their Ph

How do clowns measure their money?

Pennywise.

Two engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up

*Two engineering students* were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said one, "But we don't have a ladder."

The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox...

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

I know my steak's going to taste good. Just measured it. 23cm.

A prime cut.

What’s Darth Vader favourite measurement system?

The Imperial System

Measure of Success

As a toddler, success means not peeing your pants.

At 16, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 50, success means means a great career and a loving family.

At 65, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 90, success means not peeing your pants.

How do you measure a snake?

In inches since they dont have any feet

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

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After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

What unit does a graduated cylinder measure in?

Degrees.

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

Once there was a tribe ruled by an evil witch doctor.

Whenever someone spoke up against his reign, he used his magic to turn them into an apple. One day, a small group of tribesmen had enough and decided to steal the witch doctor's magic spell book and turn him into an apple. However, the book said that if the mass of the apple ever changed too much, t...

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

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A world known pair of thieves were visiting the Escoffier Museum of Culinary Arts in France.

They were looking to make their final steal the biggest yet. They walk up the pearly white steps and into the old yellow plastered building.

As they walk in, the man turns to the woman and asks, "What do you think we should take? I want our last job to be remembered for years!"

The wo...

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The measurement

Got this text from my brother recently. 
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? 

The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. 

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

What’s a communists favorite measurement of time?

hours.

I'm dating a girl whose arms measure identically to mine when extended.

I think we're on the same wavelength.

Why is Mike Tyson so interested in measurements in precision machining?

It's in tenths

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A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

On...

How do IT stoners measure their edibles?

In gigglebites.

William Shakespeare came to get vaccinated.

Nurse: Which arm?

Shakespeare: As You Like It

Nurse: Was that painful?

Shakespeare: Much Ado About Nothing

Nurse: You will have to have a second jab.

Shakespeare: Measure For Measure

Nurse: So what do you think of the general awareness with regard to Covi...

Have you ever dated a girl that was really into horses and thought, there’s no way I’ll ever measure up to him...

For one thing I can’t even stand wearing a saddle

How do cats measure the gracefulness of their leaps?

In fluid pounces!

(just came up with this at work, so hopefully this is a new joke to everyone!)

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

I just found out that there are at least three different ways that temperature is measured

I learned about it from my local K-F-C

I like to play on words and measure objects.

You can say I'm pun to be width.

What do you call a professional unit of measurement?

Program

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Trump and Obama are the new standard for penis measurement

One of them is a dick. The other one is a ruler.

My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

A poultry farmer was distressed because his chickens stopped laying eggs.







He didn’t know what to do about it, but one of his friends, a physicist, offered to help. The physicist came out to the farm, took a bunch of measurements, and went back home to analyze the data. The physicist called the farmer on the phone and said: “Okay, I have a solution ...

You know there's a unit of measurement for pain?

Its called Hertz

How does a "niceguy" measure how hot a woman is?

Incelsius

How do you measure Millenials?

In Instagrams...

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."

The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a v...

My friend and I were trying to figure out the circumference of his mid section, but neither of us knew how to work a tape measure...

...we decided it was a total waist.

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In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees

It's either "hot as balls" or "cold as shit."

In my day, schooling was so severe.

If we got answers wrong in class, teachers would hit us with unbreakable metal rulers.

Tough measures.

Why is a Stormtrooper's height of 5'11" measured in feet and inches?

They use Imperial measurements

A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.

Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.

The biologist says - “They must’ve reproduced!”

The physicist says - “This must be a measurement error!”

The mathematician says - “If one more person enters, the house...

"I've been having really painful bowel movements," I told my doctor.

"How long?" he asked.

"I can't be sure," I replied. "It's not like I measure them."

How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.

How do you measure highschoolers?

In joules

Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?

Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

A guy asks for a condom in a drugstore.

The clerk tells him –“I need to know how wide are you to give you the correct size”. He tells her he has no idea. So pharmacist hands him a wooden board with different diameter holes in it and tells him to go to bathroom and measure. He comes back 15 minutes letter and tells her – “The Hell with th...

What do you call the unit that measures emotions?

A sentimetre.

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.
But then you would or wouldn't get it, unless you make a measurement.

Why do anarchists prefer the Imperial system of measurement?

They want to live in a liter-less society!

Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. Proceeds to the bar, and asks the bartender if he can sit and have a few beers as his monkey joins him.

It’s slow, so the bartender says “sure.”

After a few drinks, the guy asks the bartender if he would keep an eye on his monkey while he uses the...

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