Measure of Success

As a toddler, success means not peeing your pants.

At 16, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 50, success means means a great career and a loving family.

At 65, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 90, success means not peeing your pants.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs

I keep all the results on a spreadsheet

I just found out that there are at least three different ways that temperature is measured

I learned about it from my local K-F-C

I like to play on words and measure objects.

You can say I'm pun to be width.

You know there's a unit of measurement for pain?

Its called Hertz

what was stalins favourite measurement of time?

hours

How do IT stoners measure their edibles?

In gigglebites.

How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

How do you measure Millenials?

In Instagrams...

I'm dating a girl whose arms measure identically to mine when extended.

I think we're on the same wavelength.

What measurement of fluid rules them all?

The liter

Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?

Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

IQ tests are a foolproof measure of intelligence.

If you care about your score you're a certified idiot.

My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

What's the tastiest unit of measurement?

Milimeter (mm)

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In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees

It's either "hot as balls" or "cold as shit."

How do cats measure the gracefulness of their leaps?

In fluid pounces!

(just came up with this at work, so hopefully this is a new joke to everyone!)

How do you measure highschoolers?

In joules

My friend and I were trying to figure out the circumference of his mid section, but neither of us knew how to work a tape measure...

...we decided it was a total waist.

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Trump and Obama are the new standard for penis measurement

One of them is a dick. The other one is a ruler.

Why do anarchists prefer the Imperial system of measurement?

They want to live in a liter-less society!

How does a "niceguy" measure how hot a woman is?

Incelsius

Which unit do the undead use to measure distances?

Graveyards.

Why is a Stormtrooper's height of 5'11" measured in feet and inches?

They use Imperial measurements

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How do you measure chicken shit?

By the cluck-ton

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. John...

If I had a pound for every time I got confused by measurements.

I’d have 454 grams by now.

How to define an erection

Different times, different measures

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A girl walks into a department store

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and a...

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician

each enter a room containing a bucket of water, and a garbage can that is burning. The physicist looks at the fire then looks at the bucket of water. Pulls out a sheet of paper and calculates the exact amount of water required to put the fire out, carefully measures it from the bucket and dumps it...

A large sinkhole opens up on a small town road.

Many people fall into it and get hurt and it's difficult to get them all to the hospital.

The mayor gathers the city council to figure out a solution. The smartest city councilor suggests they park an ambulance next to the hole to get people to the hospital faster. The rest unanimously agree....

There was once a man

Let's call him Jim. Jim had a remarkably ordinary life. He went to school, got his degree, got himself a secure office job, set up his pension fund, met a nice girl, got married, and had 2 wonderful sons. Jim was set for life. But he was bored.

It was that sneaky boredom that you don't quite ...

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician watch two people enter a building. A little later, three people walk out.

Biologist: “They procreated in the building.”

Physicist: “The first measurement was off.”

Mathematician: “If one more person walks into the building, it will be empty.”

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

I made a new unit to measure weight

It's the new ton.

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An actor about to shoot a scene with a lion

He noticed the filming crew was in a cage, barely enough for them plus their equipments
The actor felt the need to inquire about the safety measures they had regarding the lion

"Before the scene, we make sure the lion mated, just to take the edge off." the lion tamer said.

"I'm not ...

How do Sith Lords measure things?

In absolute units.

we should stop making fun of the Americans for using inches, foot, miles, etc as units of measurements.

it's not like they crashed a rocket into Mars because of this or something... oh wait...

How did the man hope to measure his hopelessness?

He searched for the the sin of his angle of depression.

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A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

What was the tiny golf course measured in?

Par secs

The supermassive black hole in the core of the Messier 87 galaxy measures 40 billion km across, three million times the size of the Earth, and has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun.

Almost as big as your mom.

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A monkey and a cue ball.

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the
bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some
sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and
grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's
amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and
somehow swallowe...

I'm 6 foot, 3 inches.

but those two measurements are separate.

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

My friend tried explaining to me how electricity is measured.

I was like... watt?

damn girl Are you a forestry major

Cause I wanna take a DBH measurement

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

One man said to the other:

Man 1: “The correct measurement of speed is km/h”

Man 2: “No it’s knot”

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."

The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a v...

What’s Karl Marx’s favorite measurement of time?

Hours

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

How do diabetics measure their sugar intake?

By the foot.

I have a friend who's really into measurements.

You guys really should meter.

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A man and his wife are at home working on gardening and landscaping ...

The husband looks over and sees his wife bent over and exclaims, "Damn, honey! Your ass is huge! I bet it's as big as our gas grill!"

The husband quickly runs and grabs his tape measure. He measures the width of the grill and then measures the width of his wife's ass, "Yup. Just as I thought....

Actual transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95...

*US Ship*: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

*Canadians*: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

*US Ship*: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

*Canadians*: "N...

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I measure my penis in Planck lengths...

And I still can't get wood.

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe...

...watching people going in and out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Some time passes. After a while they see three people leaving the house.

The physicist says: "The measurement was inaccurate."

The biologist says: "The peop...

Why does Mike Tyson use an engineer's tape measure instead of a carpenter's tape measure?

Because he finds the experience much more in tenths.

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A man walks into a bar...

...with a little monkey on his shoulder. Man orders a beer and the little monkey is excitedly looking around at all the sights. Man sips on his beer and the monkey spies a bowl of peanuts at one end of the bar so he scampers over and proceeds to scarf down all the peanuts. Bartender sees all this, l...

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Three men are walking down a street.

One man is white, one black and one Asian. The three are then confronted by a man in a trench-coat who is wielding an axe. The man tells them that if their penis sizes don’t add up to 13 inches, he will kill them all. The white man measures his own and says it is 6 inches long. The black man gets th...

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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."...

I heard that scientists are meeting to redefine units of measure.

I'm kind of afraid that if we give them an inch they'll take a mile.

How do car companies measure the impact of a collision

A crash test, dummy

What do you call the unit that measures emotions?

A sentimetre.

Why are other measurements afraid of 0° Kelvin?

Because it's an absolute unit.

Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes

A man dies of a heart attack at 62 years old.

His widowed wife, after days of mourning, has to arrange the funeral service. She goes to the morgue and makes arrangements. During the detailing, she explains his last few wishes.

"He always told me, if he dies without disfigurement, he would like an open casket funeral so he would be rememb...

Why do people talk louder when they drink?

Because alcoholic beverages are measured in volume.

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Have you heard about the old man's gambling problem?

An old man had a gambling problem not a bad one but a really good one. He was depositing thousands each day.

A few months pass and seeing as the old man had no job was contacted by the IRS to discuss his income.

The old man arrives with his lawyer to speak with the IRS agent. The agen...

How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.

My mother asked if I knew what I was gonna do next year.

I told her that I didn't have any clue due to the debilitating state of my eyesight. Ever since I was four years old, I have had severe astigmatism and the diametric measurement of my foveal avalascular zone. When I was seventeen, I was told of the very real possibility of being blind and the age of...

A scientist is driving around the countryside looking for elderly test subjects to measure how people live longer.

She comes across a dilapidated cabin with a very old and worn-out man sitting in the rocking chair on his front porch.

The scientist approaches the man and says “pardon me, sir, but what’s your secret to long life?”

The man says “I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, drink chocolate m...

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How does a promiscuous Amish woman measure her sexual escapades?

In Mennonite.

I've been calibrating my new device which measures the electric charge of subatomic particles by testing it on Protons

So far, the results have been positive.

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I sexually identify as a measure of kilometers per second

Because I really want to fucking KM/S

A man and his son run a carpentry business out in the countryside…

They do small jobs here and there, mostly on farms and ranches, fixing up barns and building pens for farm animals. The father eventually wants his son to take over the business and has tried to teach him the ins and outs of woodworking, along with other important lessons he thinks that every carpen...

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I got fired from my job because the competition was stiff, and I just didn't measure up.

Porn is a hard job.

A Mathematician, A Physicist and A Chemist were on a Beach

They decided to put their expertise to use and conduct some research. The Math man said, "I'll jump into the water and measure the depth of the ocean." The Physicist said, "I will go and examine the density of the water at various depths." The Chemist said, "I will use the data you both collect and ...

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The world's press gathers...

...at a press conference announced by the team at CERN in Geneva. The CERN spokeswoman steps up to the speaking podium and smiles broadly at the assembled reporters, microphones and cameras. She begins to speak.

“Thank you all for joining us today. We have some major announcements to make...

Kim Jong Un spends his spare time helping his citizens measure all sorts of things

He is quite a ruler.

A man walked into a warehouse looking for a hula hoop.

Once he found one of size, he measured it. A nice length it was! The width of the hoop was 1 meter.

The man began to hack away at the hoop, when suddenly, a voice emerged!

"Please don't cut me! I was created with a circumference of 3.14 meters!"

The man chuckled, and continued t...

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How does a butter company measure its revenues?

net margarines

I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.

It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

What do you use to measure grass?

A yard stick.

My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet.

I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.

Proventative measures for preventing disease from biting insects

Don't bite them.

A guy goes to his doctor for elbow pain...

The doctor gives him a specimen cup and requests a urine sample. “But doc, I’ve got elbow pain, why do you need a urine sample?”
Doc assures him,”we have the latest in technology, just go to the men’s room and give me a sample”, which he does. The doctor pours it in the top of a complex analysis ...

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How did the nazis measure the efficiency of their gas chambers?

In KillaJews per second

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