How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

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Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you?

It's said to have a very low margarine of error.

My teacher said "What is used to measure power?" In class once.

I told her she was right.

How do you measure the obnoxiousness of middle-aged white women?

In degrees Karenheit.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

Why is Mike Tyson so interested in measurements in precision machining?

It's in tenths

What’s a communists favorite measurement of time?

hours.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

What unit does a graduated cylinder measure in?

Degrees.

How do you measure a snake?

In inches since they dont have any feet

Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs

I keep all the results on a spreadsheet

Measure of Success

As a toddler, success means not peeing your pants.

At 16, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 50, success means means a great career and a loving family.

At 65, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 90, success means not peeing your pants.

What do you call a professional unit of measurement?

Program

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

I just found out that there are at least three different ways that temperature is measured

I learned about it from my local K-F-C

I like to play on words and measure objects.

You can say I'm pun to be width.

You know there's a unit of measurement for pain?

Its called Hertz

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

How do IT stoners measure their edibles?

In gigglebites.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

I'm dating a girl whose arms measure identically to mine when extended.

I think we're on the same wavelength.

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Veteran retirement salary

3 US Veterans are sitting before their last medical check-up.

The doctor walks out and says: we are going to take one measurement from your body and it will be your monthly payment for the retirement.

all the veterans agree. The first says from my toes to my head, they take the measur...

How do you measure Millenials?

In Instagrams...

Members of the Flat Earth Society are having a particularly rough time during the pandemic.

They say the 6 ft social distancing measures are pushing many of them over the edge.

What measurement of fluid rules them all?

The liter

IQ tests are a foolproof measure of intelligence.

If you care about your score you're a certified idiot.

Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?

Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

How do cats measure the gracefulness of their leaps?

In fluid pounces!

(just came up with this at work, so hopefully this is a new joke to everyone!)

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

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In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees

It's either "hot as balls" or "cold as shit."

What's the tastiest unit of measurement?

Milimeter (mm)

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Trump and Obama are the new standard for penis measurement

One of them is a dick. The other one is a ruler.

How do you measure highschoolers?

In joules

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Guy has a massive headache and its not responsive to any medication.

After doctors researching whats wrong with him for months they finally cone to conclusion. They called the guy and deliver the news. Doctor says;

-Its good news, found the problem.

-What is it doc?

-We need to remove your penis.

Guy looks sad. But after some consideration...

My friend and I were trying to figure out the circumference of his mid section, but neither of us knew how to work a tape measure...

...we decided it was a total waist.

Should I beat my kids?

I know I'm not supposed to, but they just make me so frustrated

My wife says I'm being irrational and getting wound up over nothing, and that if I beat them she'll be incredibly upset and won't even know what to say to me.

But you know when it's just the same stuff day in, day out. And...

Which unit do the undead use to measure distances?

Graveyards.

How does a "niceguy" measure how hot a woman is?

Incelsius

Why do blondes take rulers with them to bed?

To measure how long they sleep.

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Frenchman in Morocco

A Frenchman seeking some thrills travels to Morocco and decides to go bungee jumping off the top of mosques. As he bounces back into the air, all of the passerby in Morocco are in awe and one Moroccan passerby decides that he wants to try it himself.

He finds the Frenchman at a nearby cafe a...

Why do anarchists prefer the Imperial system of measurement?

They want to live in a liter-less society!

Why is a Stormtrooper's height of 5'11" measured in feet and inches?

They use Imperial measurements

I'm using a bra for a face mask.

I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.

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Guy goes to the doctor complaining of tennis elbow...

Doctor says to him that because of social distancing, he’s got this new machine that can diagnose anything with just a urine sample and just drop it off at his convenience.

The guy is upset and just wants his tennis elbow looked at, so he pees in a cup, has his wife and daughter pee in the s...

Dude is getting ready for prom night

He thinks to himself; "I'm gonna need to make this night perfect so I can get laid!".

He thinks about what he'll need. "I'll need a perfectly fitted tuxedo so I look good so I can get laid!" So he goes to the tailor and sees an incredibly long line. It's prom day so he's not the only one thin...

If I had a pound for every time I got confused by measurements.

I’d have 454 grams by now.

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I had a few jokes I loved as a kid

Like, there was this one where these three friends were out after it rained and had some bricks. They wanted to decide who was the strongest by seeing who could throw the bricks in the air but didn't have a way to measure the height so they decided that since it was muddy outside, they'd throw the b...

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A man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope.

For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy.

Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy.

The next morning h...

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

As Covid19 winds down, another virus is spreading like wildfire

Covid19 may be winding down, but a brand new virus, the ID10t virus, is spreading like wildfire.
Symptoms of the ID10t virus include mental and comprehension issues. Symptoms include schitzophasia, a condition where words are misunderstood. A victim may hear or read a words like "baking soda" a...

I made a new unit to measure weight

It's the new ton.

Why are rich brits so fat?

Because they measure their wealth in pounds

How do Sith Lords measure things?

In absolute units.

How did the man hope to measure his hopelessness?

He searched for the the sin of his angle of depression.

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

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The Monkey

This guy comes into a bar with a monkey. While the guy is having a drink at the bar, the monkey climbs onto a pool table, picks up the cue ball, and eats it. Seeing this, the bartender approaches the man and asks "What's up with the monkey? He ate my damn cue ball!!"

The man apologizes and sa...

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

What was the tiny golf course measured in?

Par secs

The supermassive black hole in the core of the Messier 87 galaxy measures 40 billion km across, three million times the size of the Earth, and has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun.

Almost as big as your mom.

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."

The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a v...

Went out for my state sanctioned, socially distant walk today...

...and I gotta say, a lot of guys seem to measuring six feet the way they measure six inches.

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

How does the depressed teenager measure speed?

Km/S

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Learning from Construction workers *long*

So a boy is home from school one day, and he's driving his mother nuts. Finally she gets fed up and tells him to go across the street where they are doing construction on a house, and not to come home until he learns something.
A few hours pass, and the boy comes home. The mother asks "Did you ...

I have a friend who's really into measurements.

You guys really should meter.

People keep telling me I’m tall

I’m not that tall. I’m just 6’ 8”... two different measurements.

How do diabetics measure their sugar intake?

By the foot.

A large sinkhole opens up on a small town road.

Many people fall into it and get hurt and it's difficult to get them all to the hospital.

The mayor gathers the city council to figure out a solution. The smartest city councilor suggests they park an ambulance next to the hole to get people to the hospital faster. The rest unanimously agree....

There was once a man

Let's call him Jim. Jim had a remarkably ordinary life. He went to school, got his degree, got himself a secure office job, set up his pension fund, met a nice girl, got married, and had 2 wonderful sons. Jim was set for life. But he was bored.

It was that sneaky boredom that you don't quite ...

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An insecure engaged man wants to prove his devotion

An insecure engaged man wants to prove his devotion to his wife by getting her name tattooed on his penis. His fiance has been with many black men and he felt like he couldn't measure up to them.

He went to his local parlor and explained his idea, and the tattoo artist said "I've done this be...

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I measure my penis in Planck lengths...

And I still can't get wood.

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A girl walks into a department store

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and a...

What do you call the unit that measures emotions?

A sentimetre.

Why does Mike Tyson use an engineer's tape measure instead of a carpenter's tape measure?

Because he finds the experience much more in tenths.

How do car companies measure the impact of a collision

A crash test, dummy

Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes

How to define an erection

Different times, different measures

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A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

I heard that scientists are meeting to redefine units of measure.

I'm kind of afraid that if we give them an inch they'll take a mile.

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A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician

each enter a room containing a bucket of water, and a garbage can that is burning. The physicist looks at the fire then looks at the bucket of water. Pulls out a sheet of paper and calculates the exact amount of water required to put the fire out, carefully measures it from the bucket and dumps it...

Why are other measurements afraid of 0° Kelvin?

Because it's an absolute unit.

How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.

I'm 6 foot, 3 inches.

but those two measurements are separate.

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician watch two people enter a building. A little later, three people walk out.

Biologist: “They procreated in the building.”

Physicist: “The first measurement was off.”

Mathematician: “If one more person walks into the building, it will be empty.”

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I sexually identify as a measure of kilometers per second

Because I really want to fucking KM/S

A scientist is driving around the countryside looking for elderly test subjects to measure how people live longer.

She comes across a dilapidated cabin with a very old and worn-out man sitting in the rocking chair on his front porch.

The scientist approaches the man and says “pardon me, sir, but what’s your secret to long life?”

The man says “I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, drink chocolate m...

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

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How does a promiscuous Amish woman measure her sexual escapades?

In Mennonite.

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