When it comes to measurement

The USA has a foot fetish.

I had to measure my last girlfriend in Gigahertz.

Yeah, she was a big freq.

How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

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Soo, I measured my penis using a carpenters ruler.

I'm pretty proud to say, that I have a 195 cm long dick.

I found ten rocks yesterday, all of which measured exactly 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

A fathom is a unit of measure equal to 6 feet

Therefore, a cluster of rally attendees not practicing social distancing could be deemed "unfathomable"

What do you call the great grandma of measurement?

A NANometer!

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Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you?

It's said to have a very low margarine of error.

How do clowns measure their money?

Pennywise.

How do you measure the obnoxiousness of middle-aged white women?

In degrees Karenheit.

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

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The measurement

Got this text from my brother recently. 
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? 

The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. 

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

My teacher said "What is used to measure power?" In class once.

I told her she was right.

What’s Darth Vader favourite measurement system?

The Imperial System

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs

I keep all the results on a spreadsheet

Why is Mike Tyson so interested in measurements in precision machining?

It's in tenths

A blonde walks into a bar looking frustrated

The bartender asks her, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the hor...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

How do you measure a snake?

In inches since they dont have any feet

What unit does a graduated cylinder measure in?

Degrees.

What’s a communists favorite measurement of time?

hours.

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The nun and the blind man.

A nun is taking a bath and hears a knock on the door. The nun asks, “Who is it?”
A man replies, “It’s the blind man!”
Thinking, oh he’s blind what harm could it do she then responds “Come in.”
A man comes through the door with a utility belt around his waist and tape measure in hand. He loo...

Measure of Success

As a toddler, success means not peeing your pants.

At 16, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 50, success means means a great career and a loving family.

At 65, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 90, success means not peeing your pants.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank...

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A man notices his wife's butt is getting big

I bet your butt is as big as my grill."

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure,
measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases
her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not
tonight," says his wife.

He asks ...

What do you call a professional unit of measurement?

Program

I just found out that there are at least three different ways that temperature is measured

I learned about it from my local K-F-C

I like to play on words and measure objects.

You can say I'm pun to be width.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

You know there's a unit of measurement for pain?

Its called Hertz

How do IT stoners measure their edibles?

In gigglebites.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a small ball

The mathematician measures the diameter and calculates the volume.

The physicist drops the ball in a tank of water and measures the displaced water.

The engineer examines the ball for a part number.

I'm dating a girl whose arms measure identically to mine when extended.

I think we're on the same wavelength.

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

I went to the store to buy a ruler

then I bought another one for good measure

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

How do you measure Millenials?

In Instagrams...

Hi my name is Dave I’m five feet, 11 inches

...Those are 2 different measurements!

Did you hear about the ruler factory that went out of business?

They just couldn’t measure up to the competition.

What measurement of fluid rules them all?

The liter

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.

The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."

The...

How do cats measure the gracefulness of their leaps?

In fluid pounces!

(just came up with this at work, so hopefully this is a new joke to everyone!)

My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

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Suicidal carpenter with micropenis

Measure twice cut once

Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?

Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

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Trump and Obama are the new standard for penis measurement

One of them is a dick. The other one is a ruler.

A Mother found out her daughter is pregnant

A Mother found out her daughter is pregnant, she confronted her.





"How did this happen? I told you to take measures"





"I did took measures and went with the longest one."

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In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees

It's either "hot as balls" or "cold as shit."

Three sisters aged 96, 94, and 92 lived in a house together.

The 96 year old was going to take a bath. She started getting in the bathtub, but then forgot if she was going in or out. So she called for the 94 year old who was downstairs to help. The 94 year old gets to the stairs, but suddenly forgets if she was going up or down, and had to ask the 92 year old...

An old man suspects that his wife has become deaf as she wasn't responding to him

So he calls the doctor to make an appointment. The doctor suggests to make a rough measure of her deafness before bringing her into the hospital.

He sees her wife working at the kitchen.

He stands 30 feet away from her and asks,
"Honey, is the dinner ready?"
She doesn't respond<...

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

Which unit do the undead use to measure distances?

Graveyards.

My friend and I were trying to figure out the circumference of his mid section, but neither of us knew how to work a tape measure...

...we decided it was a total waist.

How do you measure highschoolers?

In joules

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There was a youth who lived in Russia.

He was orphaned at the young age of 5. He only had one mother, Mother Russia. With no one to take care of him, he was left to fend for himself. He was poor and worked in the coal mines, to earn a mediocre salary to last him a day or two.

One day after a hard day at work, he walked down a si...

A hiker walks into a bar

A hiker walks into a bar and the barkeeper greets him with "What are you drinking, sir?"

The hiker scans the range of whisky bottles on display and asks for a measure of an expensive Talisker. The barman pours the drink, which the hiker knocks back in one, and says, "That will be £9.50 please...

What's the tastiest unit of measurement?

Milimeter (mm)

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A carpenter, commits suicide over penis insecurity...

Always measured twice and cut once

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What does masturbation and music have in common?

They're both measured in Beats Per Minute

How does a "niceguy" measure how hot a woman is?

Incelsius

Stubborn in life and in death

A man known for being very stubborn was found brutally beaten and killed. After a thorough police investigation there was no clue to who the killer was.

When it came time for the funeral. Friends and family were all gathered around. His body was put in a coffin and was ready to be buried.
...

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Dad says anything

While out for a walk with my puppy on the community trail along the river this morning, I -a dad- came across an elderly gentleman who seemed inclined to give me an impromptu lecture on the etiquette of keeping dogs on leashes, as well as a short soliloquy on municipal governance bylaws and the vari...

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Veteran retirement salary

3 US Veterans are sitting before their last medical check-up.

The doctor walks out and says: we are going to take one measurement from your body and it will be your monthly payment for the retirement.

all the veterans agree. The first says from my toes to my head, they take the measur...

Why is a Stormtrooper's height of 5'11" measured in feet and inches?

They use Imperial measurements

Why do anarchists prefer the Imperial system of measurement?

They want to live in a liter-less society!

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

If you were the ruler for a day! What would you do?

Measure stuff!

Some words sounding similar can be confusing. For example, Entropy and Atrophy.

Entropy is simply a measure of how much the energy of atoms and molecules become more spread out in a process and can be defined in terms of statistical probabilities, whereas Atrophy, is what you get if you win something.

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How do you measure chicken shit?

By the cluck-ton

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

A man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic

Out of nowhere a monkey comes by and takes the lime, eats it, and downs the rest of the drink.

Shocked the man sits in stunned silence as he watches the monkey eat some cherries, lemons and oranges out of the garnish tray behind the bar.

The man stands up and yells to get the barten...

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The military is testing new life insurance policies.

So one doctor decided to measure from one point on the body to another and give the recipient 1,000 dollars for each inch.
After explaining this to 3 test subjects they ask the first one to come in. It's a low ranking private. "Where would you like us to measure?" The doctor asks. "From the top ...

If I had a pound for every time I got confused by measurements.

I’d have 454 grams by now.

intelligent monkey

A Grandmother buys a bag of peanuts so her Grandson can feed the monkeys at the Zoo. Upon receiving a peanut one monkey inserted the hull rectally, nodded, then extracted and devoured it. The Grandmother informed the Head Zookeeper of the animals' aberrant behavior, saying " That monkey is either p...

Getting over my ex was easy

I even reversed back over her for good measure

I made a new unit to measure weight

It's the new ton.

How do Sith Lords measure things?

In absolute units.

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."

The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a v...

Should I beat my kids?

I know I'm not supposed to, but they just make me so frustrated

My wife says I'm being irrational and getting wound up over nothing, and that if I beat them she'll be incredibly upset and won't even know what to say to me.

But you know when it's just the same stuff day in, day out. And...

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

My friend tried explaining to me how electricity is measured.

I was like... watt?

What was the tiny golf course measured in?

Par secs

The supermassive black hole in the core of the Messier 87 galaxy measures 40 billion km across, three million times the size of the Earth, and has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun.

Almost as big as your mom.

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Guy has a massive headache and its not responsive to any medication.

After doctors researching whats wrong with him for months they finally cone to conclusion. They called the guy and deliver the news. Doctor says;

-Its good news, found the problem.

-What is it doc?

-We need to remove your penis.

Guy looks sad. But after some consideration...

What did the clock do to the ruler during the apocalypse?

Desperate times called for desperate measures.

I have a friend who's really into measurements.

You guys really should meter.

What do you call the unit that measures emotions?

A sentimetre.

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.

Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes

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Frenchman in Morocco

A Frenchman seeking some thrills travels to Morocco and decides to go bungee jumping off the top of mosques. As he bounces back into the air, all of the passerby in Morocco are in awe and one Moroccan passerby decides that he wants to try it himself.

He finds the Frenchman at a nearby cafe a...

Why do blondes take rulers with them to bed?

To measure how long they sleep.

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Guy goes to the doctor complaining of tennis elbow...

Doctor says to him that because of social distancing, he’s got this new machine that can diagnose anything with just a urine sample and just drop it off at his convenience.

The guy is upset and just wants his tennis elbow looked at, so he pees in a cup, has his wife and daughter pee in the s...

How do car companies measure the impact of a collision

A crash test, dummy

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