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An woman was taking a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Dave. "Dave! Dave!” she yelled. Dave came running in. "Dave, I've fuckin’ suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Holy shit!" he said and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Steve"

They came back and they both trie...

If you're a Russian going into the bathroom, and you're Finnish leaving the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?

European.

Where's the bathroom again?

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes...

If you're in the UK, you go poo in the loo. So what do you do in the bathroom in Miami?

Cocaine

Today I was going to the bathroom, and I really got in touch with my inner self...

...That’s the last time I use single ply.

Why did Mozart run to the bathroom?

To conduct his next movement.

Excuse me, there’s a large rat in the bathroom!

Barista: You mean a Venti rat.

Amazon: Your bathroom vanity has been delivered.

Let that sink in!

How can you spot a Chemist in the bathroom?

They wash their hands
before they use the toilet.

Why did the Astronomer bring a slab of ribs into the bathroom?

He wanted to witness a meatier shower.

What is a drug lord’s bathroom called?

The powder room

Where do police go to use the bathroom?

The copy room

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I had to call a psychiatrist to come into my bathroom

The toilet had seen some serious shit!

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Going to the bathroom for a poop is a lot like going to the office

You're always rushing to it and coming out looking relieved. People think you're doing the job in there right now but you're actually browsing reddit because you did the job 20 minutes ago. The job actually takes only about a minute but the paperwork adds up. This is not a shitpost.

If you are Australian when you go to the bathroom, and still Australian when you leave the bathroom, what are you when your in the bathroom?

European

Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?

Because he had a vowel movement.

The reason why girls don’t go to the bathroom alone:

Pee-er Pressure.

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What do you call a country that can’t afford bathrooms?

A turd-world country

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because they’re all dead

My code name for my bedroom is "The Bathroom"

It sure makes all the stuff I do in there sound less weird.

3 men walk into a bar and instantly into the bathroom

they be in there for a while. the first guy walks out and the bartender asks what they were doing. the guy responds "killing time" . the second guy leaves and same thing. the third guy doesn't come out at all.

Something terrible occurred in the bathroom

Me: what’s the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain

Roommate: I don’t know what is it

Me: So it was you

Where do bees stop to use the bathroom on road trips?

The BP station.

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

have you read the book "A long way from the bathroom"

By Willie Maykit

Co-authored by Betty Wont

Illustrated by Andy Didnt

LPT: Turn the kettle on before going to the bathroom for #2.

Now you have something interesting to listen to while you play on your phone for the next 30 minutes.

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One day my mom knocked the bathroom's door asking why i was taking so much time in there

I said: I'm jerking off and smoking pot!




And she was like: thank God. I tought you were wasting water.

So sick of the guy in my bathroom

Stupid fvck just stands behind the sink and mocks me

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade in a French bathroom?

Imprisonment up to 15 years in an international detainment facility.

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When im rich im building comedy clubs in all my bathrooms

Just for shits and giggles

What do you get when you use the bathroom after cutting a jalapeño?

A red hot chili pecker.

Also: True Story.

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I recently installed a phone in my bathroom.

Now I can shit-talk my friends.

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Two soldiers are in the bathroom, one Army, one Navy.

After they finish, the Navy soldier goes to wash his hands and looks over to see the Army soldier walking out the door.

Disgusted, he called out “Didn’t they teach you to wash your hands in the Army?”

The Army soldier replied “No, they taught me not to piss on my fingers.”

I was in a handwashing contest in the bathroom today...

We made eye contact the whole time. I won after three minutes.

Tw‌‌o wive‌‌s went ou‌‌t fo‌‌r girls‌‌' night.

Bot‌‌h go‌‌t drunk‌‌, starte‌‌d walkin‌‌g hom‌‌e an‌‌d ha‌‌d t‌‌o g‌‌o t‌‌o th‌‌e bathroom‌‌. The‌‌y stoppe‌‌d a‌‌t ‌‌a cemeter‌‌y bu‌‌t ha‌‌d nothin‌‌g t‌‌o wip‌‌e with‌‌. On‌‌e use‌‌d he‌‌r pantie‌‌s an‌‌d th‌‌e othe‌‌r grabbe‌‌d ‌‌a wreat‌‌h of‌‌f ‌‌a grave‌‌.

Th‌‌e nex‌‌t morning‌‌, on‌‌e...

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A cop sees an old woman carrying two sacks...

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bat...

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Which condiment needs to use the bathroom urgently

Must-turd

So this witty kid went to his teacher asked her if he can go to the bathroom...

The teacher responded, "Alright, you can go."
The kid thanked his teacher and then went back to his seat.

Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in odd-numbered groups?

Because they can't even.

Why does Hamlet take so long in the Bathroom?

He cannot decide to pee or not to pee.

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[Nsfw] Wife jumps out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a cape and screams..

SUPER PUSSY

Husband: I'll have the soup

I left my Gopro on when I went to the bathroom.

It was a live stream.

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A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.

Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.

After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out ...

So I needed to go to the bathroom when I was at the public pool

so I decided that I wasn't bothered to go to the toilet

And I figured that I was at the deep end so no one would see

So I peed right then and there

And the lifeguard shouted "HEY!"

when the lifeguard shouted that I nearly fell in the pool.

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls.

Sadly, I was in the women’s bathroom.

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A therapist’s bathroom is the best one when you’re constipated.

You just get to let go of so much shit.

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom.

As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!"

Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe.

The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself."

She said, ...

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I saw a sign on a gas station bathroom the other day

It said "If you voted for Trump, you can't shit here. Your asshole is in Washington DC"

What Disney princess often has to go to the bathroom?

Tinklebell

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The blowjob confession.

A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over.

There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is rea...

What do you call going to the bathroom at Midnight?

Shhhhhhhhitting

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I went to the bathroom on the way to catch a flight

All I could think was, I ain't got time for this shit

cursed bathroom story

A man is in a bathroom stall, when he hears a voice next to him.

Voice: How are you?

Man: Pretty good, how about you?

Voice: What are you doing?

Man: You know, just using the restroom, yourself?

Voice: I'm gonna have to call you back. I've got some idiot in the sta...

Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim.

That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

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A man walks into the pub bathroom...

He notices a dwarf by the urinal. The dwarf appears to be drunk as hell as he's swaying and seems to be making an effort not to puke. The man goes to the urinal and does what he came here to do.

As he turns to go to the sink and wash his hands the dwarf splutters:
\- Hey... hey you!
<...

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passage way, one that is made a...

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.


While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of t...

Some douche bag stole my anti-depressants from my bathroom during a house party.

I hope he's happy now.

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6 life lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

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Two men walk into a bathroom and stand at the urinals...

The white man unzips his pants and starts to pee. The black man next to him looks over at the white man's penis. He sees the first and the last letter of a tattoo on the white man's penis. It says, "W...Y".

The white man sees the black man looking and says, "The tattoo says Wendy. It's my wi...

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I read a sign in a bathroom stall that said, “Do not flush foreign bodies. Toilet paper only.”

Beneath it someone had written, “No shit?”

How does Frosty the Snowman go to the bathroom?

That’s snowbody’s business.

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A girl promised to have sex with me if I would advertise bathroom cleaner on r/jokes

I refused of course because my moral principles are extremely strong.

Just as strong as new Cif multi-action cleaner in the 750ml spray bottle, now available in Original, Lemon Fresh or Forest Pine!

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Three men are using the bathroom at a bar.

The first man flushes and steps out of the stall, and says "My parent's were amish, so I only ever use two squares when I wipe my ass."

The second man flushes and meets him in the hall. "My parents were hippies. At burning man they used to get away with one."

The third man finishes, an...

A father is called into school by his son’s teacher

Sir, you must know that your son drew a fly on his bench that looked so realistic I almost broke my hand trying to swat it!

Ha, that’s nothing. This morning I went into the bathroom and he had painted a crocodile in the bathtub. You should have seen me run away through the painted door...

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I accidentally locked myself out of my bathroom.

I'm pissed.

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Bathrooms can be pretty entertaining .

It's where all the shit goes down.

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Is it weird to to take shits in public bathrooms?

Because the dude in the stall I took it from seemed pretty creeped out...

Why doesn’t KFC have any toilet paper in the bathrooms?

Because it’s finger licking good

I was gonna comment on this weird thing my dog does where no matter how badly he has to go, he always waits until he gets to the exact same spot to go to the bathroom.

But then I realized I do the same thing, so who am I to criticize.

Written on bathroom wall

Three things I hate:

1. Vandalism
2. Lists
3. Sarcasm

One night, a man and a woman meet at a bar

. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference.
After about an hour, the man says to the
woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
Considerin...

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

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I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

What kind of Bathrooms do Eskimos use?

IgLoos

Locals have discovered a little hole in the wall of the women's bathroom

Police have said they're looking into it

What did the dad say to his family after asking if anyone needed to go to the bathroom before they left on a trip?

“Speak now or forever hold your pees”

Nightie night!!

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw i...

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She had to go to the bathroom when I proposed her.

It was a real shitty thing to do.

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Read this on a bathroom wall...

When I was young and had no sense.

I pissed on an electric fence

It shocked my dick,

it shocked my balls

And made me shit in my overalls

A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God

Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment.


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his w...

My girlfriend's roommate wouldn't let me redo their bathroom tiles.

What a caulk block.

"I really don't think you have a case, sir," said the detective as my wife washed her hair and cried from the bathroom.

"How can you say that?!" I demanded. "That hairstylist is a monster!"

"Look, sir, I can't just go around arresting every barber that gives a bad haircut." He glanced at his notes. "Even if he made her 'look like Captain Kirk.'"

"I never said he made her look like Captain Kirk!" I barke...

When I was in School this emo girl was caught jacking off her boyfriend. Whether it be in the lunchroom, the classroom, the bathroom, etc. She always was jacking him off.

Last I heard the girl got expelled and the guy got off.

A cop gets called out to a bar on suspicion of a man selling drugs in the bathroom

Upon arrival, the cop finds a man with a bag of cocaine in his hand about to flush it down the toilet. The cop stops him and asks him, “is this bag yours?”

The man replies “I’m sorry officer I swear someone handed me these and ran. I kept trying to flush them down the toilet but they keep app...

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The bathroom is basically extra storage.

It's where I keep all my shit.

Credit to u/mynock33

The outmaneuvre !

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, borin...

How much energy does it take to make a bathroom smell good?

About 3 Juuls

I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds.

I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week.

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

Dad: (Hanging bathroom scale on wall)

Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there

Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!

What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?

Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!

So, I was in my mom's bathroom...

No matter how much I wiped,
The blood wouldn't come out of the carpet.

And this whole time I'm thinking,
Who puts carpet in their bathroom?

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I'm so get at sex...

that after every session, my wife has to go in the bathroom and turn on her electric massager. I think its because of her bad back?

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

New boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"
...

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Little Johnny goes to the circus with his parents...

As soon as they get to their seats, Johnny’s Dad gets up and says, “I’m going to grab a beer, I’ll be right back.”

Right in front of Johnny is the biggest elephant he had ever seen. “Hey Mom, you see that big elephant right there?” She looks over, “Why yes Johnny, I sure do!” And Johnny says,...

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Eddie had forgotten his wedding anniversary

His wife was really pissed. She told him,

“Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE.”

The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough the...

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.

-Edit my dad told me this joke and I just got some of the parts I remembered but I’m pretty sure this is all it

Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies...

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At a bar out in Arizona, some guys from the city were having a few beers

when an old, grizzled cowboy rode in on a horse. This guy was classic. Looked like Sam Elliot as he tied up the horse and came in, sat down at the bar and said, "I'll have a whiskey."

The city guys at the table were laughing at the old cowboy, one of them asked, "Is that your horse, or your g...

Whats the difference between a "hole in a boat" and a "hole in a bathroom stall"?

One is a "Man, that sucks" situation


The other is a "Sucks that man" situation.

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Hypnosis

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches
I've been having. All these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, St...

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