The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

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Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

What dinosaur can't you hear go to the bathroom?

All of them, they're all dead.

Civilians call it a bathroom

Civilians call it a bathroom, because they take baths in it,

The airforce calls it a lavatory, because they use it to freshen up,

The army calls it a latrine, because they use it to take a dump...

So why does the navy call it a head?

Apparently all the bathroom fixtures in the Whitehouse are now gold.

I just heard the President likes gold in showers.

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

Why haven’t you ever heard a pterodactyl using the bathroom?

The p is silent.

I've got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet.

I call it my diarrhea!

A man was in a bathroom getting ready to take a shower, and his wife heard a loud noise from outside.

A man was in a bathroom getting ready to take a shower, and his wife heard a loud noise from outside. Concerned something had happened she asked, "What was that noise?"
The man replied, " It was just my underwear falling".
Unsure the wife asked again, "That noise was a bit loud for it to be ju...

An old man goes to the doctor. "Doctor," he says, "every day I go to the bathroom at six in the morning."

"Well?" the doctor asks. "What's the problem?"

"I wake up at seven."

Why did the astronomer take a steak to the bathroom?

Because he wanted a meatier shower.

So I have a bad tendency of leaving my phone in the bathroom after I leave, so guess what I did today?

Hit a child with my car

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I complained to my boss about how disgusting the employee bathroom was.

He called the janitor and said, "I found out who keeps shitting in the maintenance closet mop bucket."

A plumber wakes up and goes to the bathroom

After doing his business he stands up, turns around, and says "See ya at work!"

If you're in the UK, you go poo in the loo. So what do you do in the bathroom in Miami?

Cocaine

Why did Mozart run to the bathroom?

To conduct his next movement.

I was in the bathroom watching the scale.

My wife walks in and asks what I’m doing.

I said “I’m watching my weight.”

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?

Are they afraid someone will clean them?

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Jesus occasionally used the bathroom

You could say holy shit

A priest is heading to the bathroom.

He knocks first to make sure no one’s using it.

“Is this occupied?”

A nun answered.

“Just a minute, Father. I’m only in my underwear.”

“Oh, alright! Take your time, sister.”

The priest patiently waited.

A moment later, the nun shouted.

“You can come ...

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When the bathroom is closed at the local bar, a man makes a bet with the bartender [Longish Story]

"Sorry sir, the bathroom is closed. You will have to go elsewhere", stated the bartender.

"Elsewhere, you say?" said the man, the wheels slowly clanking into place in his head forming an idea. He ushers the man into the closed bathroom by the sink. "Since I can't pee in this toilet like my gr...

Why did the bald guy go to the bathroom?

He had toupe.

You’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you’re in the bathroom?

european

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When you pick a bathroom stall and it's dirty inside...

If you give a shit, then you don't give a shit.

If you don't give a shit, then you give a shit.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Why can’t an American bathroom stall lie?

You can see right through them

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

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A guy goes into the bathroom at a bar.

He's using the urinal when this really short guy starts using the urinal next to him. The guy can't help but notice this little guy is hung like a donkey. Having had a few drinks, he comments on the dudes huge member.
The short guy laughs and in a thick Irish accent he says, "Aye. I'm a leprecha...

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I was at the bathroom taking a piss

You could say I was part of the uri-nation

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An woman was taking a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Dave. "Dave! Dave!” she yelled. Dave came running in. "Dave, I've fuckin’ suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Holy shit!" he said and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Steve"

They came back and they both trie...

Student: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: It’s may.

Student: No, it’s January

What do witches do in the bathroom?

Bippity-boppity-poo.

If you're a Russian going into the bathroom, and you're Finnish leaving the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?

European.

I got one of those talking bathroom scales that is supposed to read your weight to you

But when I step on it, it says "One at a time, please!"

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

[NSFW] when i get naked in the bathroom...

...the shower gets turned on

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Two friends are piss drunk at a hotel, and they are looking for a bathroom.

They manage to stumble to a nearby maid and ask for directions. She points to the end of a long hall and says, "Head straight that way and take a right down two small flights of stairs and it'll be right there, you can't miss it."

Both friends begin the slow zigzag shuffle to the toilets, arm...

I like my new girlfriend, but I don’t understand her obsession with public bathrooms

Whenever we see one she tells me: “I used to make my boyfriends come here all the time.”
I don’t understand it!

I'm going to go buy a bathroom scale and some glasses tomorrow.

My plans after that? Weight and see.

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A drunk man walks into a public bathroom

and starts to take a piss at a urinal. Just then, he notices the bathroom door swing open and in walks a leprechaun. As the leprechaun is walking up to the urinal besides the man, the man reaches out and catches him. The leprechaun struggles and breaks free from the man and tells him, "obviously you...

Jesus is in the bathroom

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his ...

Where's the bathroom again?

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes...

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I was having a conversation in the bathroom with a group of guys about the two possible nationalities.

If you are in the bathroom, either European or ur a poopin.

Today i got asked out by 4 girls!!!!!

i was in the women's bathroom

Today I was going to the bathroom, and I really got in touch with my inner self...

...That’s the last time I use single ply.

My mom told me to wipe all surfaces in the bathroom.

When it came to the windows, I was a surface pro.

Due to Covid, only one person is allowed in the bathroom at a time.

Unfortunately, this means a lot less people get to hear how impressively strong my urine stream is.

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Little Johnny walks into the bathroom only to find his granny bathing.

“What’s that?” little Johnny asks his granny, pointing down between her legs.
“That’s my beaver honey”.
“Oh.” Johnny replies and walks away.

A few hours later little Johnny walks into the bathroom this time to find his mother bathing.
“What’s that?”, little Johnny asks his mothe...

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

Excuse me, there’s a large rat in the bathroom!

Barista: You mean a Venti rat.

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Going to the bathroom for a poop is a lot like going to the office

You're always rushing to it and coming out looking relieved. People think you're doing the job in there right now but you're actually browsing reddit because you did the job 20 minutes ago. The job actually takes only about a minute but the paperwork adds up. This is not a shitpost.

How can you spot a Chemist in the bathroom?

They wash their hands
before they use the toilet.

Where do police go to use the bathroom?

The copy room

Where do bees stop to use the bathroom on road trips?

The BP station.

What is a drug lord’s bathroom called?

The powder room

Amazon: Your bathroom vanity has been delivered.

Let that sink in!

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I had to call a psychiatrist to come into my bathroom

The toilet had seen some serious shit!

LPT: Turn the kettle on before going to the bathroom for #2.

Now you have something interesting to listen to while you play on your phone for the next 30 minutes.

The reason why girls don’t go to the bathroom alone:

Pee-er Pressure.

Robin: Where are you, Batman?

Batman: on my way, was in the bathroom

Robin: what's a hroom?

My code name for my bedroom is "The Bathroom"

It sure makes all the stuff I do in there sound less weird.

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

Something terrible occurred in the bathroom

Me: what’s the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain

Roommate: I don’t know what is it

Me: So it was you

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One day my mom knocked the bathroom's door asking why i was taking so much time in there

I said: I'm jerking off and smoking pot!




And she was like: thank God. I tought you were wasting water.

have you read the book "A long way from the bathroom"

By Willie Maykit

Co-authored by Betty Wont

Illustrated by Andy Didnt

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Which condiment needs to use the bathroom urgently

Must-turd

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A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following ...

Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in odd-numbered groups?

Because they can't even.

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

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Seven Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket st...

A guy walks into a hotel in soviet Russia

A guy walks into a hotel in soviet Russia and asks for a room. The receptionist tells him that they only place left is in a shared room with four beds, the bathroom is on corridor and the other 3 beds are already occupied. He accepts it, goes to his room and tries to fall asleep but the other 3 gues...

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I recently installed a phone in my bathroom.

Now I can shit-talk my friends.

A nun, badly in need of a restroom, walked into a local hooters. The place was hopping with music and load conversations and every once in a while, the lights would go out.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt in cheers.

The nun walked up to the bartender and asked, “may I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “OK, but I must warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in ...

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A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my...

What do you get when you use the bathroom after cutting a jalapeño?

A red hot chili pecker.

Also: True Story.

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Two soldiers are in the bathroom, one Army, one Navy.

After they finish, the Navy soldier goes to wash his hands and looks over to see the Army soldier walking out the door.

Disgusted, he called out “Didn’t they teach you to wash your hands in the Army?”

The Army soldier replied “No, they taught me not to piss on my fingers.”

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When im rich im building comedy clubs in all my bathrooms

Just for shits and giggles

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Went to the doctors office and described the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

So this witty kid went to his teacher asked her if he can go to the bathroom...

The teacher responded, "Alright, you can go."
The kid thanked his teacher and then went back to his seat.

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50

Guess who got the front porch repainted, bathroom retiled and a new deck.

My boyfriend just left me because I have anxiety attacks.

Edit: Nevermind, he just went to the bathroom.

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Terrible Timing

Mom and dad are getting ready for their 'sexy time' night. Mom is in the bathroom freshening up and dad is putting on a condom. As he's doing this, their son walks into the room.

Dad rolls off the bed, embarrassed, and pretends to be looking under the bed.

"What are you doing, daddy?",...

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in...

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The lights went out while I were in the bathroom

I couldn't see a shit

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NSFW - Leprechaun at a urinal

So this guy Jimmy is on a road trip home from college when he stops at a rest stop to relieve himself. As he enters the bathroom he notices a leprechaun at the urinals. He walks up to the urinal next to it and starts doing his business, but while doing so cant help but notice that this leprechaun ha...

I was in a handwashing contest in the bathroom today...

We made eye contact the whole time. I won after three minutes.

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom.

As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!"

Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe.

The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself."

She said, ...

Why does Hamlet take so long in the Bathroom?

He cannot decide to pee or not to pee.

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Little Timmy comes home from school to find his parents in the middle of a fight.

Timmy's parents keep him pretty sheltered, and they don't normally fight in front of him, so he stops to see what is going on. The argument is pretty heated and at this point has devolved to plain old shouting insults at one another.

His mother yells at his father "At least I don't have hair...

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A Couple Has a Dog That Snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.


A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and t...

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues.
"Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."

He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives i...

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[Nsfw] Wife jumps out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a cape and screams..

SUPER PUSSY

Husband: I'll have the soup

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A guy really wants to impress his girlfriend.

A guy had met a girl recently and he really liked her, so he would try to impress her on every chance that showed up.

One day, they were at a Rolling Stones concert. The guy excused himself for a moment to go to the bathroom, but made a turn and headed right to the band’s room. In there was M...

Bob was in big trouble......

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the ...

So I needed to go to the bathroom when I was at the public pool

so I decided that I wasn't bothered to go to the toilet

And I figured that I was at the deep end so no one would see

So I peed right then and there

And the lifeguard shouted "HEY!"

when the lifeguard shouted that I nearly fell in the pool.

What Disney princess often has to go to the bathroom?

Tinklebell

Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim.

That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

So a Sunday School teacher asks her class where Jesus is.

Little Susie says, “In Heaven!”

Little Amy says, “In my heart!”

Little Johnny says, “In my bathroom!”

Perplexed, the Sunday School teacher asks little Johnny why Jesus would be in his bathroom.

“I don’t know, I just hear my dad every morning banging on the bathroom door a...

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[NSFW] A young woman seduces and marries a 90 year old rich man in hopes of quickly inheriting his wealth...

She’s convinced he won’t even survive their wedding night so she takes care to find the sexiest negligee and high heels certain to give him a heart attack on sight. That night after the wedding she finishes getting ready in the bathroom and she seductively saunters out to the bedroom expecting to ma...

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A mother gets called in to school

A mother gets called in to school because her daughter got in trouble. The principal said she was caught in the bathroom eating candy. The mother told the principal to bring in her daughter. Another kid came it. The mother said it wasn't her daughter. The principal replied "That's Candy."

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?

Linoleum Blownapart

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A man walks into the pub bathroom...

He notices a dwarf by the urinal. The dwarf appears to be drunk as hell as he's swaying and seems to be making an effort not to puke. The man goes to the urinal and does what he came here to do.

As he turns to go to the sink and wash his hands the dwarf splutters:
\- Hey... hey you!
<...

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

What do you call going to the bathroom at Midnight?

Shhhhhhhhitting

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An attractive young woman is showering when she hears a knock at the door.

She runs to the bathroom window and shouts, “Who's there?” “It's the blind man.” comes the reply. Obviously she now doesn't need to get dressed as it's just a blind man at the door, so she runs down and opens the door, stark naked. He says: “Nice tits. I'm here to fit your blinds.”

Little Johnny

Little Johnny had to use the bathroom, so he raised his hand in class to get the teacher's attention. The teacher pointed at Johnny.

He replied, "Can I use the bathroom."

The teacher replied, "where are your manners? May I use the bathroom?"

Johnny said " Alright ladies first, ...

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I saw a sign on a gas station bathroom the other day

It said "If you voted for Trump, you can't shit here. Your asshole is in Washington DC"

I interviewed some people about what shampoo brand they used.

To my surprise, all 10/10 of them uses "GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM"!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't know if it's NSFW but just to be safe

3 cockroaches are in a human bathroom, talking to each other. Suddenly, a human enters, so one hides in the bath, one hides in the sink, and lastly one hides in the toilet.
After the human does his business and leaves, they all meet up. The bath one asks if everyome is fine as he is. The sink one...

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today…

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a man with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon and vanilla scents!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A therapist’s bathroom is the best one when you’re constipated.

You just get to let go of so much shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Few Very Important Lessons You Will Learn Only After You Have Kids

A "King Style" water bed contains enough water to turn a 200 Sq m apartment into a 12 cm deep lake.

The voice of a 4 year old can deafen 200 normally talking adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you tie a dog leash to a room fan, the motor of the latter is not powerful enough to lift 23...

To whoever stole my anti-depressants when I left to go to the bathroom today

I hope you’re happy.

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I went to the bathroom on the way to catch a flight

All I could think was, I ain't got time for this shit

cursed bathroom story

A man is in a bathroom stall, when he hears a voice next to him.

Voice: How are you?

Man: Pretty good, how about you?

Voice: What are you doing?

Man: You know, just using the restroom, yourself?

Voice: I'm gonna have to call you back. I've got some idiot in the sta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally locked myself out of my bathroom.

I'm pissed.

Locals have discovered a little hole in the wall of the women's bathroom

Police have said they're looking into it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl promised to have sex with me if I would advertise bathroom cleaner on r/jokes

I refused of course because my moral principles are extremely strong.

Just as strong as new Cif multi-action cleaner in the 750ml spray bottle, now available in Original, Lemon Fresh or Forest Pine!

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