The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

After making love, the man excused himself and went into the bathroom.

When he returned, the woman sat up in bed and remarked, "I can tell you are a doctor by the way you washed your hands before and after. "
"Well, that's right, " the fellow said with a self-satisfied grin. "Do you know what kind?"
The woman replied, " I would say an anesthesiologist. "
"How ...

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"Thanks to the new scale in the bathroom I can finally check how much I poop."

"Oh, I see. So you're weighing yourself before and after and work out the difference."

"Ah. I guess that could work too."

You hear about the cop that found a glory hole in a public bathroom?

He received an anonymous tip

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One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The ...

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent!

I used to be self-conscious that people could hear me when I used the bathroom. Then I became a psychiatrist.

Now my pee is silent.

You are european when going to the bathroom and european when you leave the bathroom. What are you whilst in the bathroom?

You're peeing

If you’re American if you enter the bathroom and you’re American when you leave what are you inside the bathroom?

Euro-peein’

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

Bathroom Humour

What do you call a person who uses a lavatory on an army base?

A Loo Tenant.

My wife accused me of being immature in the bathroom

Hell’ She’s the one who keeps sinking my rubber ducks

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Bathroom Humor

So what do you call a Turd that's over 18 inches long and unbroken?

An accomplishit

Have you heard of the international bathroom?

When you go there, you're Russian.
Once there, European.

At the the end, you're Finnish.

Went to the bathroom earlier and took a poo....

not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom?

Because the 'P' is silent.


I work in mental health and a patient told me this one the other day

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

Where’s the bathroom again?

Where’s the bathroom again?
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the...

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I’ve designed a bathroom stall door that will open for everyone except British detectives.

It’s called a No Shit, Sure-Lock.

Why do pirates get angry after going to the bathroom?

Without their P they're irate

I decided to call my bathroom Jim instead of John

So I feel better by saying "I went to the Jim this morning"

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I told my friend that sometimes after you go to the bathroom, you can wipe yourself and the toilet paper comes up completely clean

He said “no shit”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did a hotdog say when it had to go to the bathroom?

Must turd

What happens in a library bathroom?

People take shhhhhhhits

Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because they’re extinct. Thought that was obvious

What kind of beer do Canadians get when they head towards the bathroom.

IPA

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Son said to me, “you spent a lot of time in the bathroom in high school, didn’t you?”

I answered “No, why? “

He says “cause that’s where all the dicks hang out.”

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom.

Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light.

Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference.

The three lawyers buy a ticket each while the engineers by only one. The lawyers laugh at the engineers crying how can three people travel by train using only one ticket. The engineers respond with “you’ll see”.



They all board the train and the lawyers take a seat while the engineers ...

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Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

NSFW A 90 year old woman walks by her bathroom

A 90 year old woman walks by her bathroom on fall evening, and sees her 90 year old husband. He has a can of spray paint and is spray painting his nether regions. She stops and yells, “ You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!”

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My grandad told this one to his friend and I kinda overheard it and knew where it should belong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into ...

How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean?

He uses Comet.

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Ate a bad burrito yesterday and went to bed early, woke up to use the bathroom and heard fireworks. Looked at the time and it was midnight.

What a shitty way to start the New Year. (True story)

There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom

The giraffe says "pass the soap, please"

And the elephant says "no soap, radio!"

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I went into the bathroom the other day....

and I lost my shit

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You know what they say about bathrooms...

That's where shit goes down.

Do you know the joke of little Jef in the bathroom?

Me neither, the door was locked.

A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.

As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.

"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"

"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all...

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Little boy runs to his mother yelling "Mommy, dad hung himself in the bathroom!"

Panicked mom runs to the bathroom only to see it's empty. "Haha Aprli Fools!" laughs the boy "He hung himself in the basement."

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In the bathroom at a computer convention

Someone from Microsoft comes out of a stall, washes his hands, takes a towel, wipes his hands, takes another towel, wipes his hands more and repeats it another time, commenting "At Microsoft, we are very thorough".

Someone from Intel comes out of a stall, washes his hands, takes a towel and w...

Today, the items in my bathroom randomly started singing.

It was a great soap opera.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a restaurant.

They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women's bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will dis...

If you're in the UK, you go poo in the loo. So what do you do in the bathroom in Miami?

Cocaine

I walked into a gent's bathroom...

and saw a guy wearing an american flag at the urinal.

I asked him 'Hey are you American?'

He replied 'European'

'yeah, I know, but are you American?'.

You want to know why I have a sheep skull on my bathroom scales?

Weigh a head of ewe.

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Many sing in the shower, but rarely in the bathroom.

Probably cause the audience is shit

Wife comes home one day wearing a brand new diamond tennis bracelet.

Husband asked were she got it from. She tells him she won a raffle at work, than ask him to get a hot bath ready for her.
Not thinking to much about, the husband gets her bath ready.
A week later the wife comes home with a mink coat on. Again the husband asked were she got it from. She again...

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So I was sitting at a bar the other night, when I see this lovely lady sitting down at the other end.. (Nsfw)

So I was sitting at a bar the other night, when I see this lovely lady sitting down at the other end. . . I slide on down over to her and we start talking.

After a while of chatting and a few rounds I said "Listen honey, I was wondering if after we finish these drinks, you'd like to come bac...

What happened when the ghost couldn't make it to the bathroom?

He sheet himself!

Civilians call it a bathroom

Civilians call it a bathroom, because they take baths in it,

The airforce calls it a lavatory, because they use it to freshen up,

The army calls it a latrine, because they use it to take a dump...

So why does the navy call it a head?

A woman leaves her shower

She is wrapped up in her towel and as she walks past her husband who is going into the shower they hear a knock at the door.

"You go get that" her husband says and hops into the shower.

Sighing the woman went to the door still wrapped in her towel. She opens the door expecting the mai...

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So I got out of the bathroom.

Spoke to a friend saying " I can't believe thier still together after that shit."

My friend said "Who"

And I responded "My ass cheeks"

A man was in a bathroom getting ready to take a shower, and his wife heard a loud noise from outside.

A man was in a bathroom getting ready to take a shower, and his wife heard a loud noise from outside. Concerned something had happened she asked, "What was that noise?"
The man replied, " It was just my underwear falling".
Unsure the wife asked again, "That noise was a bit loud for it to be ju...

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An woman was taking a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Dave. "Dave! Dave!” she yelled. Dave came running in. "Dave, I've fuckin’ suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Holy shit!" he said and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Steve"

They came back and they both trie...

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How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,‟You know,I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off befo...

A Student Asks to go to The Bathroom....

Student: "Hey, can I go to the bathroom please?"

Teacher: "Its may..."

Student: "No, its actually November!"

Apparently all the bathroom fixtures in the Whitehouse are now gold.

I just heard the President likes gold in showers.

You have to be gentle with a bathroom tap

Don’t faucet

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A Texan visits Harvard ...

He meets a student and asks, "Say there, do you know where the bathroom's at?" The student replies, "Sir, here at Harvard we speak properly, and certainly don't end our sentences with prepositions."

Texan replies, "OK, where's the bathroom at, asshole?"

Why do KFC's bathrooms never have toilet paper?

Cuz it's finger lickin' good!

I've got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet.

I call it my diarrhea!

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A child is playing whist his mother is cooking, she says "I have some friends coming over for dinner, so be good"

"What's a friend?" Says the child as the mother burns herself "bastard" she hisses.

She turns off the stove and says "don't touch the food on table, it's not for you"

"What's food?" Says the child as the mother knocks a saucepan onto the floor "shit" she says as she bends over to pick ...

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

I tried my best to translate this from Romanian

A nun walks into a bar and goes straight to the bartender

Nun: Hi! May I use your bathroom?

Bartender: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.

Nun: Yes?

Bartender: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude wearing nothing but a lea...

Why did the astronomer take a steak to the bathroom?

Because he wanted a meatier shower.

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

Why did Mozart run to the bathroom?

To conduct his next movement.

IT Bulletin: Connectivity in the Bathrooms

Why do client-server applications stop working in the restrooms?

It's all peer-to-peer communications in there.

accidentally swallowed a bag of scrabble letters

my next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

Jeffrey and Hillary were both patients at a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jeffrey suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Hillary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jeffrey out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Hillary's ...

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?

Are they afraid someone will clean them?

A blind man visits Texas.

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. "Wow, this bed is big!" "Everything is big in Texas," says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool, and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. "Wow these drinks are big!" The bartender replies, "Every...

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A man told me he hadn’t gone to the bathroom in over a year

I told him he was full of crap.

An old man goes to the doctor. "Doctor," he says, "every day I go to the bathroom at six in the morning."

"Well?" the doctor asks. "What's the problem?"

"I wake up at seven."

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. Proceeds to the bar, and asks the bartender if he can sit and have a few beers as his monkey joins him.

It’s slow, so the bartender says “sure.”

After a few drinks, the guy asks the bartender if he would keep an eye on his monkey while he uses the...

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An elderly couple goes to annual check up together

During the exam husband starts explaining how he and God have an arrangement. "You see, if I need to take a leak during the night I simply go to the bathroom and God turns on the light for me." Doctor nods but of course he finds that a bit strange. So he brings up the issue with the wife, explaining...

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Two friends are piss drunk at a hotel, and they are looking for a bathroom.

They manage to stumble to a nearby maid and ask for directions. She points to the end of a long hall and says, "Head straight that way and take a right down two small flights of stairs and it'll be right there, you can't miss it."

Both friends begin the slow zigzag shuffle to the toilets, arm...

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A guy goes into the bathroom at a bar.

He's using the urinal when this really short guy starts using the urinal next to him. The guy can't help but notice this little guy is hung like a donkey. Having had a few drinks, he comments on the dudes huge member.
The short guy laughs and in a thick Irish accent he says, "Aye. I'm a leprecha...

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When you pick a bathroom stall and it's dirty inside...

If you give a shit, then you don't give a shit.

If you don't give a shit, then you give a shit.

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

Why can’t an American bathroom stall lie?

You can see right through them

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

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A pregnant woman was robbed and shot One night while out buying groceries, a pregnant woman was robbed and shot three times. She managed to survive, but the doctors were unable to remove the bullets from her body.

Even with the trauma her body sustained, she was still able to deliver a healthy set of triplets a few months later, two girls and a boy. The years went by and there was never any indication that the children were harmed by the attack, so she was eventually able to move past the whole ordeal, never ...

I got one of those talking bathroom scales that is supposed to read your weight to you

But when I step on it, it says "One at a time, please!"

A plumber wakes up and goes to the bathroom

After doing his business he stands up, turns around, and says "See ya at work!"

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Jesus occasionally used the bathroom

You could say holy shit

A priest is heading to the bathroom.

He knocks first to make sure no one’s using it.

“Is this occupied?”

A nun answered.

“Just a minute, Father. I’m only in my underwear.”

“Oh, alright! Take your time, sister.”

The priest patiently waited.

A moment later, the nun shouted.

“You can come ...

What do witches do in the bathroom?

Bippity-boppity-poo.

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1st grade teacher asked the students: What is the fastest thing in the world? Tony replied: lightning. Melanie said: light Jimmy said:

Diahrrea.
The teacher asked Jimmy why He tought diahrrea was the fastest thing in the world?
Jimmy said:
Last night while sleeping I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, I got up as fast as a lightning went to turn the light on and before the light was on I had already shit myself.

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I complained to my boss about how disgusting the employee bathroom was.

He called the janitor and said, "I found out who keeps shitting in the maintenance closet mop bucket."

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When the bathroom is closed at the local bar, a man makes a bet with the bartender [Longish Story]

"Sorry sir, the bathroom is closed. You will have to go elsewhere", stated the bartender.

"Elsewhere, you say?" said the man, the wheels slowly clanking into place in his head forming an idea. He ushers the man into the closed bathroom by the sink. "Since I can't pee in this toilet like my gr...

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A man is at a bar in London around 1985, having a drink with a girl.

He really wants to impress her. He looks over to another table and sees none other than Freddie Mercury!

“Oh my god!” Says his date, “I love him! Let’s get an autograph!”

“Nah”, the man replied, “he’s a bit of a knob”

“You know him?” his date asked incredulously

“Oh, yea...

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Bob talks with his wife after a long night of drinking.

Bob: "Honey, I think our house is haunted!"

Wife: "Why do you say that?"

Bob: "Last night when I opened the bathroom door, the lights suddenly went on, and cold air blew right at me!"

Wife: "You idiot! You pissed in the fridge again!"

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Hot n’ steamy.

I used to be the center of all the guys attention. When I woke up, men would be lined up waiting for me at the door.
Every time I changed clothes, used the bathroom, or took a shower, they’d try and have their way with me.
I’ve had so much sex that I lost count.
After they were satisfied, I...

I'm going to go buy a bathroom scale and some glasses tomorrow.

My plans after that? Weight and see.

[NSFW] when i get naked in the bathroom...

...the shower gets turned on

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Three Irish triplets walk into a bar

Three Irish triplets walk into a bar named Patty, Mick & Tat. Tat makes his way to the bathroom leaving Patty and Mick to order the first round. Mick asks the bartender for 3 pints of Guinness, and whilst he’s pouring he inquisitively asks “are you three triplets?”

“Yes we are” answers Mi...

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Going to the bathroom for a poop is a lot like going to the office

You're always rushing to it and coming out looking relieved. People think you're doing the job in there right now but you're actually browsing reddit because you did the job 20 minutes ago. The job actually takes only about a minute but the paperwork adds up. This is not a shitpost.

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[NSFW]A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my...

Jesus is in the bathroom

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his ...

A boy is coming home from a party ...

On the way home , he has to go past a graveyard .But since he didn't want to miss the game on the TV , he goes through the graveyard which has a shortcut to his house .

The graveyard was covered with thick fog which was so much that he couldn't see the ground in front of him . Eventually, it...

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I was having a conversation in the bathroom with a group of guys about the two possible nationalities.

If you are in the bathroom, either European or ur a poopin.

Today I was going to the bathroom, and I really got in touch with my inner self...

...That’s the last time I use single ply.

Ageing: Not to brag, but I just went into another room, and remembered why I went in there

Granted, it was the bathroom, but still ...

Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in odd-numbered groups?

Because they can't even.

I like my new girlfriend, but I don’t understand her obsession with public bathrooms

Whenever we see one she tells me: “I used to make my boyfriends come here all the time.”
I don’t understand it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk man walks into a public bathroom

and starts to take a piss at a urinal. Just then, he notices the bathroom door swing open and in walks a leprechaun. As the leprechaun is walking up to the urinal besides the man, the man reaches out and catches him. The leprechaun struggles and breaks free from the man and tells him, "obviously you...

My mother-in-law wouldn't stop suggesting

I buy her something 'for the bathroom' for her Christmas gift.

When she unwrapped the toaster I got her, she wasnt pleased.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I don’t know, but...”

Joe walks into a bathroom. He walks up to a urinal and unzips his pants when he hears “Psst.. buddy. Can you help a guy out?” Joe looks over and sees a man standing a couple urinals down. “Uh.. what?” inquires Joe. “Buddy, I need help unzipping my fly,” responds the man, who upon saying so nods his ...

How can you spot a Chemist in the bathroom?

They wash their hands
before they use the toilet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

My mom told me to wipe all surfaces in the bathroom.

When it came to the windows, I was a surface pro.

Where do police go to use the bathroom?

The copy room

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink...

Due to Covid, only one person is allowed in the bathroom at a time.

Unfortunately, this means a lot less people get to hear how impressively strong my urine stream is.

Sherlock and Watson were investigating a home robbery.

They were going around the house looking for any clues or fingerprints. They were also going off tips from people who witnessed the crime. "One of the people said the guy was in here for a good fifteen or so minutes" said Watson.

"Fifteen minutes? What was he doing here for that long?" Sherlo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny walks into the bathroom only to find his granny bathing.

“What’s that?” little Johnny asks his granny, pointing down between her legs.
“That’s my beaver honey”.
“Oh.” Johnny replies and walks away.

A few hours later little Johnny walks into the bathroom this time to find his mother bathing.
“What’s that?”, little Johnny asks his mothe...

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

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