UPJOKE
toiletroombathtublavatoryshowercanrestroomcommodetubbathpottywashroomshower stallclosetwashbasin

Bathroom Jokes

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim".

I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

"How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy with no arms walks into a bathroom….

So there’s a guy washing his hands and the guy with no arms says “hey man I’m a lil embarrassed, do you think you could help me out.” So he says sure, unzips the guys pants for him pulls his wiener out for him and it’s just the grossest most disgusting thing he’s ever seen, it’s all red and has open...

OMG!!! I was sitting in the Nordstrom bathroom stall

And had just sat down when a voice in the next stall over said “Hi! How are
You??”. Embarrased, I said “I’m fine?”. The voice continued “So what are you up to??” I said “Just sitting here like you!” Then the voice says “Can I come over??” Thoroughly annoyed and somewhat alarmed at this point I sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer, an environmentalist and a teacher were going the bathroom.

The lawyer gets done, washes his hands and uses the entire roll of tissue paper to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be thorough.", he said.

The environmentalist washes his hands and uses his own kerchief to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be environment friendly.", he said.

The teach...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has to go to the bathroom.

He enters and finds the only stall occupied.

He waits around for a few minutes, but the occupant doesn't move. He knocks on the Door and asks "Hey buddy, Sorry but I really gotta go, are you going to be long in there?"

The person inside replies with a thick accent:"What? Sorry no under...

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub.

The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked,

"May I ple...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

Attorney in the bathroom...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to...

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because they are dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman buys a mirror and hangs it on the bathroom door.

While getting undressed she says, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bra size 44!” There’s a blinding flash of light and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what’s happened and they both return to the bathroom.

The husband crosses his fingers an...

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale...

...sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are male bathrooms on the left, and female bathrooms on the right?

Because no matter what, women are always right, even when they're full of shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The ...

If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?

European!

When I get naked in the bathroom..

The shower usually gets turned on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

What does an Australian clean himself with after using the bathroom?

A b'day.

Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom?

Because number two shocked him.

What happened when Tinker Bell couldn't find a bathroom? [Original]

She Peter Pans

Why do pirates leave the bathroom angry?

Because after the Pee is gone, they're just Irate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Sailor walks in the bathroom to go piss

As he walks in, he sees a kid standing there.
The kid looks up and asks, "Mister, are you a sailor?"
The sailor says that he is and asks the kid if he wants to wear his hat.
The kids nods his head and puts it on.
A minute later, a Marine walks in and goes over to the urinal.
The kid l...

I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom

Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.

NSFW A 90 year old woman walks by her bathroom

A 90 year old woman walks by her bathroom on fall evening, and sees her 90 year old husband. He has a can of spray paint and is spray painting his nether regions. She stops and yells, “ You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!”

How is the bathroom like the 4th dimension?

Because after I've been in there you might want to give it time and space.

Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in odd-numbered groups?

Because they can't even.

Why does King Charles play poker in the bathroom?

Because nothing beats a royal flush.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New book: "40 Yard Dash to the Bathroom"

Written by Willy Makeit
Illustrated by Betty Wont

What's at the center of a bathroom candle?

A john wick!

Heard a loud thud from the bathroom…

Me: Are you ok?
GF: All good. Dropped my pajamas
Me: That was pretty loud though!
GF: I was in them

Does God use our bathroom

A child asks, "Mommy, does God use our bathroom?"


The mother replies, "No darling. Why do you ask?"


The child says, "Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, 'Oh God, are you still in there?'"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

two guys are out golfing and they realize they have to go to the bathroom

Two guys are out golfing when one of the golfers turns the other one it says "oh man I got to go to the bathroom."

The other one looks at him and says "yeah me too. But you better go first, I'm going to be in there a while."

So the first guy runs across the green goes into the Outhouse...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

After making love, the man excused himself and went into the bathroom.

When he returned, the woman sat up in bed and remarked, "I can tell you are a doctor by the way you washed your hands before and after. "
"Well, that's right, " the fellow said with a self-satisfied grin. "Do you know what kind?"
The woman replied, " I would say an anesthesiologist. "
"How ...

I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

A kindergartner asks to use the bathroom

Teacher: “sing the ABC’s, then I’ll let you go”

Kindergartner: “A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z”

Teacher: “Where’s the P?”

Kindergartner: “It’s running down my pants!”

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?

are they afraid someone will clean them?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I figured out who is responsible for all the penis drawings in the bathroom stalls

It was Dick Tracey

What to say when someone knocks on the door of the public bathroom stall you're in

"We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers, or distant relations."

If they reply "Well what about old friends?", then you really should probably consider if you're decent before letting Gandalf in.

Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference.

The three lawyers buy a ticket each while the engineers by only one. The lawyers laugh at the engineers crying how can three people travel by train using only one ticket. The engineers respond with “you’ll see”.



They all board the train and the lawyers take a seat while the engineers ...

"Dude, I really gotta go to the bathroom"

"We got a new Porta Potty backstage"
"Good, I can finally stop going in your trailer."
"...You've been using the bathroom in my trailer?"
"...... Your trailer has a bathroom?"

What did Spock find in the bathroom?

\-The captain's log

A little boy wakes up one night and realizes he needs to use the bathroom.

He runs downstairs to the living room, where his mother is having a party with her friends.

"I gotta pee!" yells the little boy. "I gotta pee!"

The mother takes her son to the bathroom. "Son," she says, "we do not yell the word 'pee' when grown-ups are around. Next time, just whisper, ...

Man comes out of the bathroom at work…

After a loud session of diarrhea, “sounds like you had a rough time in there.” a slightly embarrassed coworker commented. “No it was a blast” the man responded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

Ghost in the bathroom

One late night, after a drunken revelry, I silently slid into my bed and got a sudden urge to pee.

As I opened the bathroom door the light came on by itself.

I got scared and returned to bed, but unable to control the urge, ventured forth again. The light came on again and scared me ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump

Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.

&nbsp;

Edit: Thanks to everyone that found this joke funny. To all those I offended...

Where do Bees use the bathroom?

At the BP station. (thanks grandma)

Went to the bathroom earlier and took a poo

not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.

You’re American before you enter a bathroom, you’re American after you leave the bathroom. But what are you when you are inside the bathroom?

European

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mom in the tub...

He points at her crotch and exclaims, "What's that!?"

She quickly says, "Oh that's where daddy hit me with the axe."

Johnny replies, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt."

I went to a public bathroom and saw a guy with no arms standing at the urinal. [Long] [NSFW]

After a few seconds of waiting my turn, I realized that nothing was happening. He was just standing there, looking down.

"Umm, everything alright?" I asked him.

"Yeah, just got a slight problem here." he said, nodding towards his zipper.

I guess it's the humanitarian in me tha...

Walmart Bathroom

I was in Walmart using the restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said, “Hi! How are you?”
Embarrassed... I said, “I’m ok!"
The voice said, "So what are you up to?”
I said, “Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!”
Then I h...

Why can’t a pterodactyl use the bathroom?

Because they’re dead, idiot!

I asked the optometrist if I could use the bathroom.

“Number one, or number two?”

There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom

The giraffe says "pass the soap, please"

And the elephant says "no soap, radio!"

Oscar Pistorius really wanted a new bathroom door

but his girlfriend was dead against it.

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mafia leader asks his right-hand man if he would do anything he says .

The guy says he’ll give his life for his Capo. Ok then , "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out."

Then he hands him a plastic cup.

Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out.

The Mafia leader s...

Why did Shakespeare stop in front of the bathroom?

Because he couldn’t decide whether to pee, or not to pee

While in the bathroom getting ready for work I called out to my wife.

“Honey, when I shave in the morning I feel 20 years younger.”

Without missing a beat, she said “Maybe you should shave before we go to bed.”

My grandpa went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He came back immediately.

He forgot his teeth.

What makes a bathroom fit for a Prince?

A raspberry bidet.

why are optimitrists slow when they go to the bathroom?

Because they keep asking
Number 1, or number 2?
Number 1, or number 2?
Number 1, or number 2?

Why shouldn't you let your pokemon into the bathroom while you shower?

So they don't Pikachu.

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like to watch horror, movies when I’m in the bathroom

It scares the shit out of me

How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom?

A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.

On the way back to bed, he passed his parents’ room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, “Hey, Dad, what are you doing?”
The dad answered, “Playing Cards.”
Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?”The dad answered, “Your mom.”

Little Johnny then pas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the boxers agree to have their match in the bathroom?

Because that’s where the shit goes down.

Bathroom Tip

When *you're a pee'n* don't be *rush'n*.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anytime someone goes into the stall next to me in a public bathroom, I just can’t go anymore.

I’m scared shitless.

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

I asked him if his girlfriends name was also Wendy.

He said ‘No....

Room for rent with bathroom just 8km from the city center.

— Nice offer, but you don't have some rooms with a bathroom closer?

The bathroom had no toilet paper, and all I had to use was the money in my pocket.

So I did what had to be done.

It was tough, and a little messy.

But for a clean ass?

it was the best 43 cents i’d ever spent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bathroom Humor

So what do you call a Turd that's over 18 inches long and unbroken?

An accomplishit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A software tester walks into a bar

Backs into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

a beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

987654321 beers.

a lizard in a beer glass.

\-1 beer.

"qwertyui...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people take a long time crapping in public bathrooms?

Because they’re stalling!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you make it to the bathroom before you piss your pants.

Urine luck.

Please keep the bathroom door closed

The dogs have a drinking problem.

(Actual sign on a bathroom door)

Someone stole my broken bathroom scales...

...but I'm confident they won't get a weigh with it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bathroom

The Englishman takes a piss, and wipes his hands very thoroughly with 7 squares of toilet paper, while loudly proclaiming that "In England, we always do our job extremely thoroughly"


The Scotsman takes a piss, and wipes his hand with just one square of toilet paper, using every square inc...

Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.

Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes "Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ..."
"Oh no' Edna ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried taking my dog Jack out to use the bathroom the other night, but it was so dark

I couldn't see Jack shit

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?

Linoleum Blownapart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the pervert take a telescope into the bathroom?

Because he wanted to see Uranus.

I am addicted to smashing up ceramic bathrooms.

I have a wreck tile dysfunction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

From now on instead of saying #1 or #2 for the bathroom

I'm going to call it an R. Kelly or Amber Heard

I’m moving to a new house with out a bathroom so…

I’ll have to make doo without

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What Power Level does Goku use in the bathroom?

he goes Pooper Saiyan

Why do witch covens have extra bathrooms?

Crone's Disease

Why didn’t the restaurants bathroom have urinals?

It was a sit-down restaurant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

A Judge ran into a juror in the bathroom.

The judge said "Thanks for serving"

The Juror said, "Just doing my Civic Doody"

A Drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.

Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screa...

Ok kids, anyone who needs to use the bathroom do it now, or

Forever hold your pees.

(Credit goes to my wife)

The first rule of singing in the bathroom!

The toilet brush must never be used as a microphone

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.