Why does fruit dislike being preserved?

The process is jarring.

‪In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo..

‪All the other paintball players started freaking out though..‬

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Girls: Anal sex does not preserve your virginity.

Your poophole is not a loophole.

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

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Man runs out of fuel with Harley Davidson (very long)

There once was this man who always wanted a Harley Davidson. And one day he finally had enough money to do so.

When he went to buy his dream motorcycle the guy from the schop gave him a bucket of lube. The man asked: “wat’s the lube for”, is and the guy from the shop says: “because you have a...

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William Stranahan heads to the village for a pint or two...

The old Scotsman is greeted at the pub by his aged mates for their weekly bender. And, aye, they are shameless. They leer at the young lassies. They gripe about the fleeting virility of the young men. They curse the government. They reminisce about the days of yore. But mostly, they drink well throu...

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A family was driving behind a garbage truck

Suddenly a dildo fell out and hit the windshield. To preserve the innocence of the little boy the mother said: „Well, that was a big bug.“
The little boy replied: „How the fuck can this bug fly with such a bug cock?“

A Vietnamese American woman, Christine Nguyen, wanted to preserve her surname.

Christine Nguyen, wanted to keep her surname after marriage, so she resolved to not take on the surname of the man she married, or change her name to a double barrel name that included her family's name.



Luckily, the man she ended up marrying was also Vietnamese American too, who just...

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A morgue worker is finishing up a report on a cadaver and notices something...

"Wow! Hey doc, check out the equipment on this guy!" He said, looking at the dead man's genitals under the sheet

"My goodness! That's impressive!" The doctor said. "Hey, uh, go get me a scalpel and a gallon of formaldehyde."

The morgue worker went to get what the doctor asked for.
<...

An 18-wheeler spilled a load of strawberry preserves on the interstate today

It was a real traffic jam

Ancient Egyptians who worked to preserve the Pharaoh for the afterlife are known for having being very good businessmen. In fact, they even invented what we know today as the "return policy."

It was know back then as the "mummy back guarantee..."

How do Orcs of Mordor preserve their meat?

They use Sauron wrap

Hey you like cherry preserves ?

Never mind, its probably not your jam

Throwing a life preserver to someone drowning in boiling oil is a futile act...

Unless of course that life preserver is made of dough.

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Coronavirus Pandemic, day 16

If anyone is still out there, I’m alive but struggling. Food is running low. Down to only 459 days worth. My hands are super sanitized and my butt is super clean. Down to 1599 rounds of ammo (dropped 1 round down the heat vent while doing daily inventory). Power still on, but for how long? Missing h...

The real reason not to do anything against climate change

Just think how dumb we'd look in front of our children, if twenty years from now we discover climate change was in fact not real. We'd have cleaned the ocean and the cities, preserved the rain forests and millions of species, innovated in multiple industries, made the air breathable again, created a...

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3 boys are lost in a forest and find a cabin

They knock on the cabin’s door and an old man answers. The kids ask the old man if they can stay there for the night and the old man says “Why of course you can. There’s one rule though. Do not open this closet” the old man points to a door. “If you do there will be consequences!”

The kids, ...

A teacher was talking about death with their students

They asked their students what they wanted to do with their bodies once they died, such as if they wanted to be cremated, buried, or have their bodies donated to science.
One student piped up and said, "I want to have my head preserved like in Futurama!"
Horrified, the teacher said "Let's not ...

TRUE STORY:

Just had gotten groceries the other night and was putting them away, when I accidently dropped a jar of blackberry preserves on my big toe. talk about real toe jam.

So there's apparently been over 200, well preserved tibia excavated in the area surrounding the great pyramid in Egypt...

sources say it was a real shin dig.

There's a primate military-industrial complex, you know

They engage in gorilla warfare to preserve the interests of monkey business

Did you hear about the guy who made giraffe and elephant jam?

He called it Wildlife Preserve.

Help! I've been canned with preserved fruits!

I guess you could say I'm in a jam.

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Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak.

The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.”

The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days ...

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A nun and a rastafarian sit down on a bus

The Rastafarian asks the nun if she’ll go on a date with him and then go back to his place. The nun is disgusted and tells him she sworn to only the lord and leaves

The bus driver tell the Rastafarian that that every night she goes to pray in the church courtyard and could find her there.
...

Once upon a time there were three kingdoms.

They all bordered a large lake, which created trade and travel for all three kingdoms. Eventually, the ruler of the first kingdom decided that it wanted to control the whole lake. With his superior navy, he took control. In the generations to follow, his kingdom prospered. The second kingdom tried i...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”

“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

Did you hear about Steve he drowned in a river

We buried him with a life preserver it’s what he would have wanted.
Credit to u/whiskeyinspace

The other day I was really stuck in a jam, don't worry though...

I preservered.

Three Homemade Jokes (Puns) ENJOY

Two worms are going through a pantry. They go through some apples, pears, and other things. After a while, they get STUCK, in something hard and green. One says to the other, "Man, we really got ourselves into a pickle."

An archaeologist is going through an underground cave and comes across a...

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A guy gets on a bus and sees a really hot nun.

A guy gets on a bus and sees a really hot nun. He approaches her and dishes out a few pick up lines trying to score with her. The nun is shocked and appalled and gets off the bus immediatly.

The bus driver saw the whole spectacle and calls the guy over to him. He says "I know that nun. I see...

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Three supermodels are on a plane that’s going down over the Atlantic Ocean

While they’re putting on their life preservers, they start talking about what they’re going to wear.

The white woman says “I’m going to wear my hot pink bikini, because when they rescue us they’ll easily be able to see it and hot pink really accentuates my features.”

The Hispanic woman...

What was the first thought of the person who created jam/jelly?

I need to preserve my legacy

A local monastery decides to test the competence of its nuns.

In an attempt to determine if the nuns at the local monastery are qualified to perform their sisterly duties, the monastery decides to hand out exams.

The majority of the sisters score well but one in particular, sister Encarnacion does outstandingly well.

In an attempt to preserve v...

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A man enters a bus one day

And sits next to the most beautiful nun he's ever seen. He tries to contain his excitement, but after awhile, he asks her

"Sister, I know you are not supposed to, but I find you to be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I would not forgive myself if I did not try. Would you grant me th...

A man is drowning in the Hudson River.

A tour ship sails by and throws him a life preserver. The man denies the help, exclaiming, “God will save me! I believe in my Lord”. And thus, the boat sails onwards.

Another boat shortly thereafter spots the drowning man, and sends a rescue squad. The man denies the help, exclaiming, “God w...

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My friend is a car collector. [original]

My friend is a car collector. He has a huge garage full of beautiful cars from all around the world.
He invited me round to see the collection so it was a weekend afternoon I went over.
Some were preserved in their original condition but some have been modified by their owners.

The firs...

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The Secret of the Monastery

One night, a young man got lost in the woods while out hunting. As he walked to and fro to find a familiar landmark, he stumbled upon a very old and dreary looking building. He banged at the wooden double doors and called out, "Help please! I am lost! Could you help me?"

The door opened with ...

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I recently went on a hunting trip in africa

And while i was there i shot and killed a lion, i decided to take it back to england with me so i could have it preserved but it was damaged in transit and only the rear end could be taxidermied, the rest had to be diaposed of,

It was a cat ass trophy

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The Hippie and the Nun.

One day, a nun is sitting on a bus. A hippie saunters over and says "Hey lady, wanna have sex with me?" The nun politely declines and gets off the bus on the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard this conversation, stopped to talk to the hippie before he got off.

"Ya know, that nu...

Funeral

Emily died last week after she fell in the lake.

It's a shame she never learned how to swim.

We brought a life preserver to her funeral.

It's what she would have wanted.

The Safari

Jimmy was an 8-year-old boy who loved animals. He longed to go to a wildlife reserve and experience nature up-close-and-personal. His parents, eager to instill moral values, were delighted that this was the case instead of playing violent video games. So, on his ninth birthday, Jimmy was ecstatic to...

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A homeless man is sitting next to an attractive, young nun at a bus stop...

and the bus pulls up. The nun gets on bus and goes to the back. The bus driver noticed the homeless man eye-balling the nun as she climbed the steps and says to him, "Would you want to have sex with that nun."

The homeless man says, "Absolutely! I would give anything for a night with her."...

The Spice Mafia

It is a little known fact that some people want spices that they cannot obtain legally. Be it decades-old oregano, salt from the Last Supper, or the flesh of Sean Spicer, some people love strange and unusual spices. However, in order to obtain these spices, they only have one place to turn: the Spic...

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Due to an extremely rare condition, little Johnny is born with nothing but a head...

No arms, legs or body, just a head. His parents love him anyway and do everything they can to make sure he has the most "normal" childhood possible. They shower him with affection and gifts, and try to make him feel like a normal boy.

The years pass by, and one day the family doctor calls. Th...

3 POWs were together in a British War Camp.

There sat 2 Germans and an Italian. The British tourtured the first German and after many hours of screaming, the broken down German finally talked. Ashamed, he went back to the camp and told the other 2 prisoners to stay strong. The British begin to torture the second German. He preserved through 3...

Two Jewish banker escaped from that sinking Italian cruise ship

They were both clinging to a life preserver. One guy, knowing the other can't swim, says, " I'm going to try to swim to shore to get some help. Can you float alone?"

The second Jewish banker says, "how could you talk business at a time like this?"

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cab drivers

A woman and her 11 year old daughter are travelling late night by a cab. They pass by a red-light district. The daughter, not knowing they are prostitutes, is curious as to what the dressed up women are doing out so late on the streets.

The mother wanting to preserve her daughter's innocence,...

A doctor orders a custom-made wallet

A doctor performs circumcisions at the local hospital. For 12 years he has preserved the discarded foreskins in the lab. One day, he takes the foreskins to a leatherworker and asks him to make a wallet. The leatherworker looks at him skeptically but agrees.
After several weeks the doctor is infor...

Did you hear that archaeologists discovered an unusual ancient Egyptian tomb recently?

The body was preserved with chocolate and nuts.

Experts believe it to be the tomb of Pharaoh Roche!

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In the darkest days of the Great European Conflagration....

In the darkest days of the Great European Conflagration, the Great People's Communist Party of Bulgoradia was forced to take up arms and strike back at the Nazi hordes holding the nation under harsh occupation and bondage.

In the early, dangerous days of the partisan struggle, their headqua...

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