An old man threw a carton of milk at me today.

How bloody dairy.

Why was a man staring at a carton of orange juice?

Because it said concentrate

A wife asks her programmer husband "can you go to the store and get a carton of milk. If they have avacados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

[OC] Why cant milk cartons walk?

Because they lactose.

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When I was a kid, my mother used to send me down to the general store with a dollar. I’d come back with two loaves of bread, a pound of butter, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk

You can’t do that any more, there are too many security cameras

They stopped putting pictures of missing kids on milk cartons, and started posting them on r/jokes

They get much wider coverage. No one reposts more than r/jokes.

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I got to the factory this morning ready for my usual day of boxing up milk cartons, when...

my boss walked up to me and said, "I'm afraid there was a problem last night. Some idiot on a forklift dropped the sugar in to the milk condenser."

"Oh, shit", I said, "how much was contaminated?"

"I'm not gonna lie," he said, "... all of it... I'm afraid that for the rest of the day, ...

It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.

Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six. “I was so excited,” she told us later, “that I bought two!”

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

Just checked that the carton of milk in my fridge expired December 31.

Unlike me, it had a date on New Year’s Eve.

What is it called when you drop a carton of eggs and break all of them?

An eggistential crisis.

This flood is devastating. Everything in my kitchen ended up sinking with the exception of a carton of ice cream and some root beer.

They stayed afloat.

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar.

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who is a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” One of the yogurt cartons says to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I th...

A man and woman are having lunch....

The woman goes, "hey could you please go to the store to get 1 litre of milk? And if they have avocado's, bring 6.

*10 mins later*

Man comes back with 6 cartons of milk," hey honey, they had avocados".

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3 men are off to prison, and they can each bring one item with them

The first mentions his carton of cigarettes. Not only can he smoke it, but he can trade it too.

The second mentions deck of cards. It has always helped him pass the time, and jail is definitely no exception.

The two guys look at the third, who is just quietly staring off into the dista...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a White Russian.

"This tastes a little funny," the guy complains. "Has your dairy gone off?" The irritated bartender grabs the carton of milk and checks the expiration date stamped on the side. "It says here that it doesn't expire until this coming Friday," the bartender says. "That means my milk has a date for Vale...

This will give 1 or 2% a chuckle...

Two milk cartons and a bottle of creamer were discussing an issue:

Whole: I think we’ve covered the Whole thing.

Skim: Really? We just Skimmed over it.

Creamer: I would normally side with Whole on this point, but I’m actually Half and Half.

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A man hosts a dress-up party, where the theme is you have to come dressed as a mood...

...on the night of the party, the man is at the front door greeting his guests and asking them what mood they were dressed as.

A couple of women arrived all dressed in green saying "we're green with envy".

A trio of men turned up dressed in red saying "we're red with rage".

More...

A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store

He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk"

He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"

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I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles ...

A man told his wife he was going to the supermarket.

Man: I'm going to get get a carton of milk.

Wife: Okay, if you see bananas, get 6.

The man comes home with 6 cartons of milk.

Wife: What the hell!!! Why did you bring 6 cartons of milk!

Man: I saw bananas at the supermarket.

"You must be single..."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing be...

An old lady is looking to buy a condom...

At a nursing home, two elderly women, Ethel and Vivian, are smoking outside on their balcony.

It starts raining, and Ethel pulls a thin rubber tube out of her purse and carefully slips it over the lit end of her cigarette.

“What is that?” Vivian asks her.

“A condom. I just sn...

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A man enters a grocery store...

He buys:
- An apple
- A peach
- A pretzel
- A carton of milk
- A jar of jam
- A bottle of Coke
- A chocolate bar

The female cashier looks at him and asks with a big smile:
“You’re single, right?”
The man answers nicely:
“Yes I am, how did you know?”
She answ...

A man and his pet ostrich walks into a bar

They had been locals a long time, but instead of asking for his regular, he says," I have a feeling something specials going to happen, i'll have a whiskey."
"And the same for me," says the ostrich.

The bartender then serves the drinks and the man pays in exact change.

The bartender...

Woman’s perfect breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Where do you find missing kids?

On the back of a milk carton.

A physicist got home after a long day at work

When his 9 year-old daughter was crying.He asked her what she was crying about

"The cat is dying dad!"-Said the daughter while she was petting the old cat

So the physicist went to the back of the house,picked up a carton box,putted the cat in the box and sealed.Then he turned to his da...

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A Nazi was in a grocery store...

...when the juice carton he was looking at abruptly exploded and sprayed all over his body.

"Damn juice!"

Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?"

No, just leave it in the carton.

I heard that milk helps babies grow but I don't think it's true

I've poured three cartons over mine and all it's done so far is cry

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Cake day

Every morning, at precisely 7:00 AM, my neighbor knocks upon my door, looking to borrow some milk. And every morning, I cheerfully greet him and oblige. At the end of the week my neighbor brings me a new bottle of milk to replace the milk he has consumed. Then for the next week, I give him milk f...

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"...

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still go...

Shopping with dad...

At the supermarket buying milk.
Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag?"
Old man: "Nah mate, just leave it in the carton"


Haha, classic dad joke!

A Cuban man, a Mexican man, and an American man are all in a plane.

The pilot comes to the back and says "the plane is going down, we need to lose as much weight as possible."

The Cuban man throws a crate of cigars off the plane and says "we have plenty of those in Cuba, I won't miss them."

The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explain...

And old man..

..watched his grandson go to the store with a dollar and come back with only a bottle of water and shook his head. He said, "Back in my day, my mother would send me to the store with a dollar and I'd come back with half a dozen eggs, two cartons of milk, a pack of cigs, and a bag of flour. You can't...

A guy's working as a cashier at Best Buy

He finds his job a little dull, but from where he's stationed he can see out to store entrance to the parking lot (and more importantly, the sky) outside. He spends a lot of time looking out the store entrance and daydreaming, but one day he notices a blond woman walk up to the store with a bunch of...

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A guy was getting ready for a dinner-date with a stunning blonde.

He looked at the mirror and thought: "I should get some color! I know a safe place to get a tan on my roof."


It was blazing hot that day; he went to the roof, undressed, and decided to tan for 30 minutes.


Unfortunately, he fell asleep; and when he woke up, he was badly burned ...

My grandpa would always tell me...

that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are each locked away for a year in solitary confinement.

Before they are thrown in, they are each allowed to request a year's supply of whatever he wants to help them through the hard time.

The Scotsman asks for whisky, so he gets some and he's locked away.

The Irishman asks for a fix of Guinness, so several hundred bottles are thrown in. ...

Three women friends are sitting outside and smoking together.

In a freak turn of weather, it suddenly starts to pour down rain. For two of the women, this means no more smoking, as their cigarettes go out. For the third, however, it's not a problem as she pulls a condom out of her pocket and slips it over her cigarette.

Seeing that she is still able to...

I saw a man at the grocery store flinging slices of American cheese into the air.

He then started chugging cartons of milk right off the shelf.

After that he started smashing containers of yogurt open on his forehead.

It was shocking. All I could think was “how dare he!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a grocery store...

She picks up
1 loaf of bread,
1 carton of eggs,
1/2 gallon of milk,
and a copy of Us Weekly
she proceeds the cashier.
He says "Oh, you must be single".
"Yes" She said shyly "How could you tell?"
" Because you're fucking ugly" he says

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guys arrive at a "Mood" themed party...

He has cut a hole in a pear and is wearing it on his penis. The host answers the door, his penis in a carton of custard.
"What the hell are you dressed as?" asks the host.
"I'm deep in dis-pear!" says the guest. "Well I'm fucking dis-custard" says the host, shaking his head.

They say drinking milk makes you stronger...

So I drank a carton of milk, and then I tried to push my fridge and it didn’t even budge.

Frustrated, I decided to drink a bottle of vodka, and guess what happened?

The fridge moved itself

A man goes along to the Patent Office...

A man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle, replies the inventor."

"A fottle? That's silly! Can't you thin...

How does Ice-Cube drink his milk?

Straight Outta Carton.

A woman goes to a supermarket

A woman goes to a supermarket. After gathering her items, she goes to the checkout counter.
The cashier looks at the items she bought: a jug of milk, a carton of eggs, & a head of lettuce
The cashier says "You must be single"
The woman says "Oh my god, how did you know?"
The cashier ...

Which do you want me to bring in first?

Yesterday my parents are preparing dinner and my mom wanted me to get the chicken. When she opens the fridge and notices the egg carton is empty, she ask me to get the eggs as well. So then I asked her...

"Which one do you want me to bring in first, the chicken or the egg?"

3 guys are sentenced to 10 years in solitary confinement...

The warden says that each guy is allowed to bring one object into the tiny cell with them to help them withstand their punishment.

The first guy asks for a Bible. The second guy asks for a medical encyclopedia. The third guy asks for a 12-carton case of cigarettes.

At the end of th...

Vladimir Putin met Bashar al-Assad

One day Vladimir Putin met Bashar al-Assad. The conversation turned to America.

Assad: Hey Vlad, what's the difference between America and a carton of yogurt?

Putin: I don't know, what?

Assad: If you leave a carton of yogurt alone for 200 years, it'll grow a culture.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One morning eating my breakfast...

Just cereal, i was looking at the missing person part on the milk carton, and i had seen many of these before but some reason this one caught my eye, it read "Lilly, missing 2 weeks blonde hair, blue eyes, always happy". A few days later im sat in my office on the 50th floor and i look out of my win...

If a transvestite goes missing...

Should we put their picture on a carton of half and half?

If I ever go missing...

I would like my photo but on wine bottles instead of milk cartons. This way my friends will know where to look for me.

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