A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton?

Because it said concentrate

What does a carton of milk and someone in the hospital have in common?

They both expire in a few weeks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men go on a long expedition into the mountains

Both of them happen to be smokers and while one was prepared and brought extra cartons, the other guy had only brought just one. Not long into their journey the second guy has ran out and starts pestering the first guy for a pack of cigarettes, but the first guy isn't budging, he brought just enough...

An old man threw a carton of milk at me today.

How bloody dairy.

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.

“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.

He replies, “They had avocados.”

A pair of Lightbulb Jokes

How many socialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.



How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two; one to hold a carton the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored b...

[OC] Why cant milk cartons walk?

Because they lactose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.



A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.



She say...

They stopped putting pictures of missing kids on milk cartons, and started posting them on r/jokes

They get much wider coverage. No one reposts more than r/jokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid, my mother used to send me down to the general store with a dollar. I’d come back with two loaves of bread, a pound of butter, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk

You can’t do that any more, there are too many security cameras

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got to the factory this morning ready for my usual day of boxing up milk cartons, when...

my boss walked up to me and said, "I'm afraid there was a problem last night. Some idiot on a forklift dropped the sugar in to the milk condenser."

"Oh, shit", I said, "how much was contaminated?"

"I'm not gonna lie," he said, "... all of it... I'm afraid that for the rest of the day, ...

What Are We Eating?

A can of tuna has a picture of a tuna fish

A pack of Ham has a picture of a pig

Turkey has a picture of a turkey

Egg carton has a picture of a chicken

Beef has a picture of a cow

Dogfood has a picture of a dog

Just checked that the carton of milk in my fridge expired December 31.

Unlike me, it had a date on New Year’s Eve.

What is it called when you drop a carton of eggs and break all of them?

An eggistential crisis.

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whiskey; it's give...

Y'know when the carton says "pulp free" but then it has some pulp anyway?

Pulp Fiction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ran into the gas station with my mask on saying, "This is a Stick Up!"

The clerk laughed.

The man paying for a coffee laughed.

The lady grabbing a candy bar laughed.

They thought I was joking, so I quickly made a small purchase.

When the cashier had the drawer open, I said hand me the large bills and a carton behind the counter.

The c...

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar.

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who is a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” One of the yogurt cartons says to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”

The blonde was heading out to the grocery store...

...when her roommate said, "Hey, buy a quart of orange juice. And if they have eggs, get a dozen."

Half an hour later the blonde came in the door carrying four cartons of juice. "There's eight more in the car," she said.

"Why in the world did you buy 12 quarts??" asked her roommate.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man enters a grocery store...

A man enters a grocery store...
He buys:
- An apple
- A peach
- A pretzel
- A carton of milk
- A jar of jam
- A bottle of Coke
- A chocolate bar

The female cashier looks at him and asks with a big smile:
“You’re single, right?”
The man answers nicely:
“Yes I a...

An old man is sitting with his wife on her death-bed. He asks her about the box containing three eggs and large pile of cash hidden under the bed.

"I'm ashamed to tell you that the contents of this box represents my infidelity to you." she admits with a guilty look. "Every time I went with another man, I'd place one of our chickens' eggs in the carton."

"Well Dear, don't feel bad. I suppose three times in fifty years is no big deal."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles ...

It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.

Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six. “I was so excited,” she told us later, “that I bought two!”

A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store

He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk"

He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"

A man and woman are having lunch....

The woman goes, "hey could you please go to the store to get 1 litre of milk? And if they have avocado's, bring 6.

*10 mins later*

Man comes back with 6 cartons of milk," hey honey, they had avocados".

This will give 1 or 2% a chuckle...

Two milk cartons and a bottle of creamer were discussing an issue:

Whole: I think we’ve covered the Whole thing.

Skim: Really? We just Skimmed over it.

Creamer: I would normally side with Whole on this point, but I’m actually Half and Half.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are off to prison, and they can each bring one item with them

The first mentions his carton of cigarettes. Not only can he smoke it, but he can trade it too.

The second mentions deck of cards. It has always helped him pass the time, and jail is definitely no exception.

The two guys look at the third, who is just quietly staring off into the dista...

A man told his wife he was going to the supermarket.

Man: I'm going to get get a carton of milk.

Wife: Okay, if you see bananas, get 6.

The man comes home with 6 cartons of milk.

Wife: What the hell!!! Why did you bring 6 cartons of milk!

Man: I saw bananas at the supermarket.

An old lady is looking to buy a condom...

At a nursing home, two elderly women, Ethel and Vivian, are smoking outside on their balcony.

It starts raining, and Ethel pulls a thin rubber tube out of her purse and carefully slips it over the lit end of her cigarette.

“What is that?” Vivian asks her.

“A condom. I just sn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man hosts a dress-up party, where the theme is you have to come dressed as a mood...

...on the night of the party, the man is at the front door greeting his guests and asking them what mood they were dressed as.

A couple of women arrived all dressed in green saying "we're green with envy".

A trio of men turned up dressed in red saying "we're red with rage".

More...

As a member of the dairy industry we're in quite a hard spot today after Joaquin Phoenix's Oscar speech

I mean when he goes missing do we put his picture on our cartons?

Woman’s perfect breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?"

No, just leave it in the carton.

A Cuban man, a Mexican man, and an American man are all in a plane.

The pilot comes to the back and says "the plane is going down, we need to lose as much weight as possible."

The Cuban man throws a crate of cigars off the plane and says "we have plenty of those in Cuba, I won't miss them."

The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explain...

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"...

A physicist got home after a long day at work

When his 9 year-old daughter was crying.He asked her what she was crying about

"The cat is dying dad!"-Said the daughter while she was petting the old cat

So the physicist went to the back of the house,picked up a carton box,putted the cat in the box and sealed.Then he turned to his da...

I heard that milk helps babies grow but I don't think it's true

I've poured three cartons over mine and all it's done so far is cry

A man and his pet ostrich walks into a bar

They had been locals a long time, but instead of asking for his regular, he says," I have a feeling something specials going to happen, i'll have a whiskey."
"And the same for me," says the ostrich.

The bartender then serves the drinks and the man pays in exact change.

The bartender...

My grandpa would always tell me...

that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

Where do you find missing kids?

On the back of a milk carton.

Shopping with dad...

At the supermarket buying milk.
Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag?"
Old man: "Nah mate, just leave it in the carton"


Haha, classic dad joke!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cake day

Every morning, at precisely 7:00 AM, my neighbor knocks upon my door, looking to borrow some milk. And every morning, I cheerfully greet him and oblige. At the end of the week my neighbor brings me a new bottle of milk to replace the milk he has consumed. Then for the next week, I give him milk f...

And old man..

..watched his grandson go to the store with a dollar and come back with only a bottle of water and shook his head. He said, "Back in my day, my mother would send me to the store with a dollar and I'd come back with half a dozen eggs, two cartons of milk, a pack of cigs, and a bag of flour. You can't...

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was getting ready for a dinner-date with a stunning blonde.

He looked at the mirror and thought: "I should get some color! I know a safe place to get a tan on my roof."


It was blazing hot that day; he went to the roof, undressed, and decided to tan for 30 minutes.


Unfortunately, he fell asleep; and when he woke up, he was badly burned ...

A guy's working as a cashier at Best Buy

He finds his job a little dull, but from where he's stationed he can see out to store entrance to the parking lot (and more importantly, the sky) outside. He spends a lot of time looking out the store entrance and daydreaming, but one day he notices a blond woman walk up to the store with a bunch of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a grocery store...

She picks up
1 loaf of bread,
1 carton of eggs,
1/2 gallon of milk,
and a copy of Us Weekly
she proceeds the cashier.
He says "Oh, you must be single".
"Yes" She said shyly "How could you tell?"
" Because you're fucking ugly" he says

Three women friends are sitting outside and smoking together.

In a freak turn of weather, it suddenly starts to pour down rain. For two of the women, this means no more smoking, as their cigarettes go out. For the third, however, it's not a problem as she pulls a condom out of her pocket and slips it over her cigarette.

Seeing that she is still able to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guys arrive at a "Mood" themed party...

He has cut a hole in a pear and is wearing it on his penis. The host answers the door, his penis in a carton of custard.
"What the hell are you dressed as?" asks the host.
"I'm deep in dis-pear!" says the guest. "Well I'm fucking dis-custard" says the host, shaking his head.

I saw a man at the grocery store flinging slices of American cheese into the air.

He then started chugging cartons of milk right off the shelf.

After that he started smashing containers of yogurt open on his forehead.

It was shocking. All I could think was “how dare he!”

A man goes along to the Patent Office...

A man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle, replies the inventor."

"A fottle? That's silly! Can't you thin...

How does Ice-Cube drink his milk?

Straight Outta Carton.

They say drinking milk makes you stronger...

So I drank a carton of milk, and then I tried to push my fridge and it didn’t even budge.

Frustrated, I decided to drink a bottle of vodka, and guess what happened?

The fridge moved itself

A woman goes to a supermarket

A woman goes to a supermarket. After gathering her items, she goes to the checkout counter.
The cashier looks at the items she bought: a jug of milk, a carton of eggs, & a head of lettuce
The cashier says "You must be single"
The woman says "Oh my god, how did you know?"
The cashier ...

3 guys are sentenced to 10 years in solitary confinement...

The warden says that each guy is allowed to bring one object into the tiny cell with them to help them withstand their punishment.

The first guy asks for a Bible. The second guy asks for a medical encyclopedia. The third guy asks for a 12-carton case of cigarettes.

At the end of th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One morning eating my breakfast...

Just cereal, i was looking at the missing person part on the milk carton, and i had seen many of these before but some reason this one caught my eye, it read "Lilly, missing 2 weeks blonde hair, blue eyes, always happy". A few days later im sat in my office on the 50th floor and i look out of my win...

Which do you want me to bring in first?

Yesterday my parents are preparing dinner and my mom wanted me to get the chicken. When she opens the fridge and notices the egg carton is empty, she ask me to get the eggs as well. So then I asked her...

"Which one do you want me to bring in first, the chicken or the egg?"

Vladimir Putin met Bashar al-Assad

One day Vladimir Putin met Bashar al-Assad. The conversation turned to America.

Assad: Hey Vlad, what's the difference between America and a carton of yogurt?

Putin: I don't know, what?

Assad: If you leave a carton of yogurt alone for 200 years, it'll grow a culture.

It's almost Valentine's day

It's almost Valentine's Day and I don't even have a date, even the milk carton has a date.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.