How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.


** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me
they found this offensive. I reread it and I
agree. Here is the updated version of the
joke:


Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from
drowning?


A. Take your foot off his or her head.
...

A policeman stops a car...

Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?

Miner: Mine

When you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils.

They dilate.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop...

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husban...

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, think...

Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he's not wearing his required prescription glasses.

Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses."

Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts."

Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."

How do you stop a homeopath from drowning?

Add more water.

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The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won't stop screaming.

Its like she's never seen a penis before.

What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other.

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My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

A man is walking home late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, th...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

What's it called when Spider-Man has to stop a car?

Peter Parking.

We need to stop giving women rights.

We need to give them lefts as well.

That way they can finally drive as good as men.

My wife asked me to stop singing “I’m a believer” by The Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face.

My dog wouldn’t stop chasing people on bikes.

It got so bad that I had to take the bikes away.

I stop my microwave at 0:01

to feel like a bomb disposal expert.

My girlfriend is annoyed because I won't stop making duck jokes.

Judging from the look on her face, I don't think I mallard to say them anymore.

My wife told me to stop singing Smashmouth songs.

I said hey now...

Can we please stop with this whole FaceApp trend

It’s getting old quick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you stop by the animal shelter to pick up a dog that's great. But...

When you stop by the women's shelter to do the same everyone loses their fucking mind.

How do you stop children with thick curly black hair from jumping on the bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.

Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar."

The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?"

The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license...

A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassin...

My boyfriend told me to stop impersonating flamingos

I had to put my foot down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

I was on a plane, and my wife wouldn't stop pestering me to get an upgrade.

It took some time, but eventually I got a better wife.

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.



On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - who could it b...

I got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.

**The doctor says it’s terminal.**

Can we please stop with the "that's what she said" jokes?

It's getting way too big and i can't take it anymore.

So I was getting head from my wife while I was playing Assassin's Creed, when she suddenly stopped... Me: Why'd you stop??

Her: Ubisoft.

When my wife wanted me to stop singing stayin’ alive I just laughed in her face

Ah, ha, ha, ha

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

My doctor said that I should stop mixing coffee and redbull

He’s just jealous that I can lock a drawer and still have time to throw the key inside

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I agreed to stop smoking so now we only have a cigarette after sex.

I haven't had a cigarette in over a year but now she's up to 3 packs a day!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian....

an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodia...

Guy driving a car stops by a hooker

...and asks: -What can You do for a 100 bucks?

She replies: -Anything You want, baby.

\-Hop in, You'll help me lay the foundation for my garden shed.

Doc I can’t stop imitating the Kool Aid man...

Doctor: Oh no!

Patient: Oh yeah!

Why did the hindu comedian stop telling jokes on reddit?

Bad karma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor told me to stop masturbating

When I asked why, she replied, "becuase I'm giving you a physical."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can we please stop those "I lost yyy% of my xxx" jokes?

Reminds me that my mom deleted all my porn videos.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kids won’t stop telling this joke......

Q: What kind of bees make milk?


A: Boobies

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

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My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......

So a guy stops at a stop sign and he sees a car full of penguins next to him.

He asks 'What's up with all the penguins?'

The other guy answers, 'I don't know. I stopped at a light and then all these penguins jumped in my car. I don't know what to do with them.'

'Maybe you should take them to the zoo.'

The other guy says 'That's a great idea!' and drives o...

Why did Hollywood stop buying scripts from the frog writer?

Because his stories were ribbititive.

My girlfriend left me because I wouldn’t stop singing Linkin Park songs.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

Stop it with the Alabama and abortions jokes.

I incest that you do

How do you stop a group of deaf people from arguing?

Turn off the lights

Quick question

How much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Rolling Stones songs.

I told her - you can't always get what you want.

We must stop making jokes about menstruation.

Period.

Why did Atlas stop holding up the sky?

Flat earth believers convinced him that it would remain, but he got carried away.

My friend's new flame is in a wheelchair. Despite that he is madly in love and can't stop talking about her.

Personally i find her pretty lame.

A man is admitted to the hospital with chest pain.

The cardiologist orders a battery of test over the course of a week. While studding the patient's EKG he noticed that his heart rate was very erratic when his wife and daughter were visiting.

The doctor asked the man how his relationship was with his family.

Well I get along great with...

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Why did Napoleon stop masturbating?

He pulled his bonaparte.

My friends won’t stop teasing me for giving up in a marathon after only 1 mile

I’ve become a running joke

Don't stop working till your bank account looks like a phone number.

Hello, operator?

I tried wooing a lady at the bus stop the other day...

It didn't work, she obviously wasn't a fan of Ric Flair

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Dear algebra, stop asking us to find your x

She left you and I don’t know y.

My girlfriend: If you don't stop making Scooby Doo references, then I'll break up with you.

Me: Alright gang, let's split up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't Stop

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how...

I finally decided to stop trying to date older women.

It was fun at first, but they always get offended if you guess too old.

A Physicist, a Biologist and a Mathematician are standing at a bus stop.

A bus stops and 5 people get in.
As the bus comes around the next time, 6 people get out.
The Physicist comments:
"That's a measuring error."
The biologist says:
"They reproduced on the way."
The mathematician says:
"If one more person gets in, the bus will be empty."

Rant: Please stop posting holocaust jokes. My great grandfather died in a concentration camp and it's very painful.

He fell off the guard tower.

Stop Cloning Around

A mad scientist managed to clone himself, but something went wrong. His clone would repeatedly stick his head out the fourth-story window, and curse at people below. The scientist was at a loss, and deeply embarrassed by his clone's behavior. After two weeks of pleading and threatening his clone, th...

Why did the Romanian stop reading?

They wanted to give the Bucharest

My doctor just told me, “If you don’t stop drinking and smoking pot, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat.”

It is the best day of my life.

I was playing the squeeze box and a policeman told me to stop, so I acted accordioningly.

\*boom tish\*

They say once you stop one addiction you trade it for another.

So I stopped chugging beer and started sipping whiskey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

Free Speech - West vs East

A Russian diplomat and an American diplomat are discussing the differences between their two systems.

The American tries to make it easy for the Russian to understand the concept of free speech.

"Anytime I want", says the Yank, "I can walk right up to the top of the steps at Capital Hi...

My wife said I need to stop questioning everything she says.

Does anyone know what she means by that?

How do you stop a fight between two blind men?

Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.

Why did the college football team stop smoking

They lost all their matches.

How do you stop fries from curling in the pan?

Take away their brooms.

The doctors say I don't know when to stop

EDIT: wow thank you for the one upvote kind stranger

EDIT: wow two upvotes!

EDIT: 7 upvotes and 2 comments! Can we get 8?

Friends and family: You need to stop making suicide jokes

Me: Don't worry, I will soon.

Can we stop posting jokes about women’s menstruation, this category of humor is NOT FUNNY.

Period.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor told me I need to stop masturbating.

I was shocked. I didn't even hear him come in the exam room.

Would you like to learn how to stop your period

Allow me to de-menstruate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop saying “grow a pair”

Balls are weak. Instead say “grow a vagina” - coz it can take a pounding

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor: You really need to stop masturbating.

Me: Wow! You can tell that just from looking at me?

Doctor: No, I’m trying to finish your physical.

I was told by my therapist to stop listening to Africa

but it's gonna take a lot to drag me away from it

IKEA won't stop calling me!

Why can't they accept I only wanted one night stand

Stop Means Stop (Long)

While on a business trip in Dublin from London, a young lawyer ran a stop sign and got pulled over. Having heard before that the Irish Police are not the cleverest bunch this lawyer thought to himself "This will be easy".
"Good evening officer, how can i help you today?" The Lawyer says politel...

First grade teacher: John, how did you manage to stop having spelling errors in your homework this week?

John: My mom is out of town.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People need to stop making fun of Alabama

They're 50th in education, they cant read that shit

Want to become hot stuff and have people chasing after you and literally begging you to stop running away from them?

Be a bus driver

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke was posted by the user u/propane13 a year ago and it’s brilliant and I thought more people need to see it so here it is (I take absolutely no credit for this)

A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade-- if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, ...

A highway cop stops a car that is going too slow

He gets out and goes up to the car, and finds it full of old ladies. He addresses the driver:



"Maam, you were going 20 miles an hour on a 70 mile an hour highway. Going that slow is too dangerous"



"But officer, I was just following the speed limit", she says, pointing t...

How do you get your wife to stop smoking?

Use lube, and go slower.

How do you stop a dog barking in July?

Shoot him in June.


From the old Adam West Batman, as told by Cesar Romero. Still the #1 Joker, apologies to Heath Ledger.

A police officer pulled over a lawyer who had failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

The lawyer argued his case that the spirit of the law was simply that the maneuver be safe and since he hadn't caused an accident his actions complied with the law.

The officer disagreed and informed the lawyer he would issue him a ticket.

"I will accept that ticket if you can explain ...

Did you know cucumbers are really good to stop diarrhoea?

It just hurts a lot...

It’s time to stop Alabamian stereotypes.

Me, my dad, my uncle, my mom, my aunt, and my grandfather have started a petition to stop these stereotypes.

We may only have 3 signatures, but we can start a change!

As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming, don't stop the car!.. We won't make it!.. We won't!.. Can't!" "Driver, hurry!" I yelled..

"Her contractions are getting closer together!"

Crowd: TO STOP PREDICTING THE FUTURE!

Chanter: WHAT DO WE WANT?

Crowd: LAST TUESDAY

Chanter: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

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