A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

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My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassin...

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

My girlfriend: If you don't stop making Scooby Doo references, then I'll break up with you.

Me: Alright gang, let's split up.

After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.

&#x200B;

On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - wh...

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don't Stop

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how...

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo,

so I had to put my foot down

What's the difference between a dirty bust stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and one's busty crustacean.

It’s time to stop Alabamian stereotypes.

Me, my dad, my uncle, my mom, my aunt, and my grandfather have started a petition to stop these stereotypes.

We may only have 3 signatures, but we can start a change!

A police officer pulled over a lawyer who had failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

The lawyer argued his case that the spirit of the law was simply that the maneuver be safe and since he hadn't caused an accident his actions complied with the law.

The officer disagreed and informed the lawyer he would issue him a ticket.

"I will accept that ticket if you can explain ...

The police told our bartender he had to stop serving babies.

"Why, just because they're underage?"

"No, because they don't fit in the glass."

How do you stop a fight between two blind men?

Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you do when the dishwasher stops working?

You slap her ass and tell her to get back to work.

A highway cop stops a car that is going too slow

He gets out and goes up to the car, and finds it full of old ladies. He addresses the driver:

&#x200B;

"Maam, you were going 20 miles an hour on a 70 mile an hour highway. Going that slow is too dangerous"

&#x200B;

"But officer, I was just following the speed limi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor: "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating"

Man: "Oh my God, doc! Why?!?"

Doctor: "I'm trying to examine you."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor: “Look. You need to stop masturbating.” . . . Me: (confused)”Why’s that, Doc?”

Doctor: “Because, I’m trying to talk to you right now.”

An interviewer’s taxi stops in front of a prison...

The interviewer asks: “could you wait for me here?” Then the taxi driver says: “no, forget it! The last time someone asked me that he came out 21 years later!”

My wife told me to stop singing "I'm a believer" or she'd kill me. I thought she was joking...

...and then I saw her face...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My doctor told me to stop masturbating

When I asked why he said it was making other people in the waiting room feel uncomfortable.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel just outside of Atlanta...

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops $500 and says,

“I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”

The astonished Madam stares at him and says,

“But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal!”

The Trucker r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair.

After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can’t stop making horrible toilet paper jokes.

I guess I’m just on a roll.

Sorry for the shitty joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man has been driving for 600 miles straight with no stop.

He’s a truck driver so he is delivering a product to a store. So he stops at a whore house and slams $700 dollars on the table and says to the owner, “Give me your ugliest bitch.” The owner is confused and asks “with this money you get the most beautiful women ever! Why chose the ugliest?” The man r...

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My wife says if I don’t stop making bird puns she is going to withhold sex...

...but she can keep her tits to herself. Eventually she will want my cock and she’ll find that toucan play that game.

A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver

"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"

The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".

His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't goin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How can we stop anticipating things?

I do it a lot and I don't think it's healthy.

Edit: Thank you for all the support, guys!

Edit 2: Holy moly This blew up!! Thanks for the gold, kind strangers!

I said to a Lady at the bus stop, when is it due? She started shouting and swearing, I am not F*cking pregnant.

I replied, I was on about the bus you fat cow..

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche

She's been such a sour puss about it.

Guy: I’m hungover

Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone’s gonna hear us. Over.

I told myself I should stop drinking.

But I am not about to listen to a drunk who talks to himself.

Jim the security Guard is working at the Mexican/American border, and stops a car at a checkpoint.

The driver shows the guard his license, visa, and passport, but is clearly nervous and is sweating bullets. Jim pops the trunk open to reveal four large bags. He opens them, only to reveal that each and everyone of them is filled with dirt.

&#x200B;

One week later, Jim stops the sa...

How do you stop a bull from charging?

You shoot it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.

How to stop procrastination

I will tell you tomorrow.

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

A cowboy's horse died on the trail so he had to walk for three days to the next town.He looked everywhere in that town but nobody had an extra horse they could sell.So he took a two day journey to the next town only to find himself in the same situation.However,he did stop by a stable and a man

Suggested he see his brother who runs a stable two days walk just south of town.He finds the stable and near death from exhaustion asks"hey mister,I hear you might have a horse for sale."The stable owner says"well I have one,but he don't look so good."The man replied"I've been walking for nearly a w...

I’m trying to think of a joke about waiting for the bus at the wrong bus stop.

But nothing is coming to me.

Everybody thought only a period could stop 69.

But Tekashi proved a sentence could too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three tampons are walking down the street. One super large, one standard and one ultra slim. Which one stops to say hello first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I made a stop smoking pact, so now we only light up after sex and I've only had six cigarettes in the last two months

my wife is up to three packs a day

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to heaven and peter stops him

He says: your time hasn’t come yet, you still have 10 years to live. How would you like to finish those 10 years? Well, the man, who is a farmer, says: I’m a farmer, and I have always wanted to know what it is like for the animals I keep to be at my farm. Than, peter says, you shall return as a chic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop wanking.

I asked, "Why?"

She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

At the end of our night my date said she didn't want to walk to the bus stop on her own.

I said, "You won't be on your own. There's a guy behind us in a massive trench coat who's probably going there too."

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions.....

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

The Englishman says "In the car."

Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Simple. Just switch off the lights

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the ...

An American tourist is traveling in Thailand and stops over in a small border village for a meal. While the inside of the restaurant is rather small and modest, it does have a beautifully designed ant farm covering most of one wall. Curious, he asks the old man running the restaurant about it.

“Ah,” says the old man. “I use the ant eggs to make a dish called maengman chom. The Cambodians who visit here especially love it; they spend so many riel on it that I had that display made to show off the ants. It’s a specialty of mine; would you like to try some?”

“Ant eggs are a little exo...

A random child is walking on the sidewalk. He stops, and beautifully sings, “A pore!”

Three years later, he is a star and is given an award. He gives a speech.
“Thank you, everyone. But mostly to my family. They told me we were going to Singapore, and I did. I just wonder why I’ve never seen them again...”

Why'd magneto stop wearing purple?

Because the days of fuchsia passed.

A struggling artist stops by the studio where his recent work is hanging for sale.

The owner tells him he has good news and bad news.

&#x200B;

“The good news is that a man dropped by the studio today and put in an offer to buy every single piece. He just wanted my guarantee that the works would be worth twice what he paid if you were to pass away. I told him they...

My neighbour told me to stop changing my clothes near my window.

I asked him, "Why? I keep the curtains closed and the lights off."

He said, "I know that, I just think you should change inside of your house."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come toge...

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How do you get seven sexy clowns to stop watching TV at your house?

Respond quickly please. My parents will be home any minute.

Please stop making new flavors of coca cola.

Either you put the cocaine back or leave it alone.

What do you call an indigenous person who can’t stop giving out his two cents?

Opinionative

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Knock Knock

"Who is there?"

"Grandma!"

"Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"

How much of Canadas Northern-most Territory will be left if we dont stop Global Warming?

Nunavut

What do you call an Irishman that won't stop bouncing off the walls?

Rick O'Shea

Mexico should stop importing cocaine for a month;

then the Americans will be the ones climbing the wall...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you stop black kids bouncing on their beds?

Velcro the ceiling

Why didn’t they ever stop for gas in the Fast and Furious movies?

They had Vin Diesel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can we stop joking about homosexuality?

Lesbie honest, the jokes aren't funny!

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away its broom.

I decided to stop smoking cold turkey...

...and put it on my sandwiches instead.

I was told to stop eating wheat but I didn’t listen

and got run over by a combine harvester.

Stop making ac jokes.

I'm not a fan

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.

She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.

At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing som...

As I get older, I sometimes stop and think about all of the people I’ve lost along the way

Maybe my job as a tour guide wasn’t such a good idea after all

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Help me Reddit, how do I stop myself from having a boner on stage during my presentation? [OC]

I think it happens because I get nervous. So I try imagining the audience naked. Nothing works, help!

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’

He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?” I asked.

“It’s not unusual” he replied.

I probably shouldn't be driving right now...

but bad brakes haven't stopped me before.

My wife wouldn't stop making fun of me for my sense of direction.

So I packed up and Right.

Due to all the scandals, the Trump administration has decided to stop using emails.

They’ll use alternative fax.

You should try my new thing, it’s hard to start doing but once you do it its hard to stop. I sometimes do it for twelve hours straight.

I call it sleep

My carbon monoxide detector won’t stop beeping.

It’s giving me a headache, and dizziness, and nausea.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Please Stop Making jokes about butt sex

They’re so banal

Stop neglecting plants.

It's mistreetment.

My therapist says I should stop talking to the voices in my head.

But my wife says I don’t have a therapist.

I invested into crypto currencies last year and can't stop checking the computer screen.

It's refreshing.

My friend asked me to stop making Math jokes

I said that I'm sorry, but bad jokes are my division

I’m trying to stop being such a perfectionist

I’ve been working on it for ages now.

Parents: our baby won’t stop crying!

Doctor: how old is he?

Parents:one

Doctor:is he vaccinated?

Parents:no, why?

Doctor:I’m afraid he’s having a midlife crisis...