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Doctor: You should stop masturbating

Me: Why doc? Is there something wrong?

Doctor: Its making me really uncomfortable

My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other!

A policeman stops a car...

Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?

Miner: Mine

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Stop vs slow down

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he's smarter than the cop because he's a lawyer from the one and only London and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop'...

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

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A hiker in Scotland stops to drink from a stream.

Just as he is lifting his hand to his mouth a passing shepherd yells out "Dinnae drink frae that, mister, it's all full o' coo piss an' shite!"

The hiker turns and in cut-glass accents replies "My good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the she...

My girlfriend kept telling me she was going to break up with me if I didn't stop quoting the song I'm a Believer by The Monkees, but I thought she was just kidding...

Then I saw her face.

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So a guy and a girl are making out and begin having sex on the hood of her Honda civic, suddenly the man stops.

He said, im sorry i can only only have sex on my own Accord

How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan?

Take away the little brooms.

When you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils.

They dilate.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

I went to the doctor and he told me to stop musterbating

I asked "Why?"

He said "So I can examine you!"

I taught my brother how to make his own cheese and now he can't stop!

I created a muenster.

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa?

Wife: What?

Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying:

I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'.

My friends said to stop singing Oasis songs in public...

I said MAYBEEEEEEE

Trump: "Stop calling me orange."

"I'm peach."

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I saw a fat woman standing at the bus stop.

I asked her when is it due?, she then went into a right rage and said I am not pregnant you ignorant Bastard. I said I was on about the bus you fat cow.

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A Policeman stops an old women carrying 2 sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my...

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Saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning... So I stopped and said jump in i will give you a lift... "FUCK OFF" he screamed at me....

What an ungrateful bastard, I thought as i zipped up my backpack and continued walking.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

They told sam to stop singing,

But samsung anyway

How does a blind person know when to stop wiping

***T A S T E***

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and one’s a busty crustacean

Turns out a vasectomy doesn't necessarily stop you having a child.

It just changed the colour.

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3 weeks ago, I decided that to stop my addiction I’d donate $1 to charity every time I masturbate.

I’ve already donated $100 to the Cancer Research Foundation.

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

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I went to my doctor to see about scabs from masturbating all the time and if there was a treatment. He said I needed to stop masturbating immediately. I asked him "why?"

"Because I'm trying to examine you."

Dear Apple: please stop autocorrecting things like “he HAD gone camping” and “he HAS gone camping”

Spelling mistakes are one thing, but don’t assume you know what tents I wanted to use.

If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.

To people who purposely mispronounce people's names for attention, stop it.

You're making a Sean.

A brawl took place in a basketball game. A judge came in and used his gavel to stop it.

He brought order in the court

Blizzard Entertainment will need to stop offering Dental benefits

All their employees are way too afraid to open their mouths

Employee: We should stop testing our products on animals.

Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time!

Employee: Yeah but we make hammers...

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My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

I know how to stop people from secretly getting into your computer.

[removed by FBI]

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I’ve decided to stop giving blowjobs during marathons.

I’m just not a fan of running gags.

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

My friends and family hate me for constantly making food puns. and my wife told me that if I don’t stop she’ll divorce me.

I said: sure, it’ll be a piece of cake.

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What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek ?

Together...we can stop this shit.

Many people tried to stop my genetic engineering projects, but I wasn't discouraged.

Soon, I'll have them eating out of the hand of my palm.

What do you call a telescope that can't stop running into stuff?

A kaleidoscope.

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A guy named John Hitler was tired of people bullying him for his name so he went to the federal court and changed it hoping the harassments would stop.

But Peter Hitler is still getting bullied to this day.

STOP YELLING

It's not a-loud

Little Tommy was asked what he thinks heaven is like. He says, “I think everyone would be children constantly playing around and wresting with each other. There’d be no adults to tell us to stop or get us in trouble.”

The priest responds, “sounds like heaven to me too.”

what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza?

a crust station

In the last two months I have persuaded 7 young people to stop preparing for a career as a doctor

After all, as a doctor, it’s my job to save lives

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, think...

My dad told me to stop petting the cat because its claws were starting to dig into his skin.

I kept petting the cat. Who am I to stop this poor soul from getting what it kneads?

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal.

Can we please stop with all the blind Stevie Wonder jokes?

I just don't see the point.

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The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won't stop screaming.

Its like she's never seen a penis before.

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I prayed to God to help me stop masturbating.

And now I’m never allowed back at that church.

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?

You yell, “I vote for the guy with the knife!”

When will people stop eating ground pork?

When pigs fly.

I was told to stop eating fast food

so I ate a turtle

What's it called when Spider-Man has to stop a car?

Peter Parking.

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"So there's a man in an elevator, and as the doors are closing, he sees this young, fine looking lady hurriedly make her way to the elevator too, so he stops the doors and lets her get on.

'Where are you headed?' he asks, standing by the buttons.

'Oh, I'm going to the clinic on the fourth floor,' the lady says, 'I'm going to go donate some eggs and make a quick hundred dollars.'

At this, the man starts to chuckle.

'What's so funny?'

'Well, it's just that I'...

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Cowboy rides into a dusty town on his horse and stops at a saloon...

He ties up his horse, goes up the the bar, sits at the counter, and orders a couple beers to quench his thirst. When he walks out, he realizes his horse is missing!


He flings those saloon doors open, hand on his pistol, and shouts, “which one of you sidewinding sons of bitches stole my ho...

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 cal Beretta Pistol

ST PETERSBURG, FL -- This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along...

What did the veterinarian diagnose the elderly dog with who couldn’t stop shaking its paws?

Pawkinson’s



(I made this one up so it might need a bit of work)
Alternate version includes a dog with barkinson’s who can’t stop barking lol

How do you stop a cute animal?

You just press paws

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun...

Is a good guy with a video game!

Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he's not wearing his required prescription glasses.

Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses."

Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts."

Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."

Three Men are sitting at a bus stop

The first man says, "I served in the U.S. Army for 10 years. I was involved in the Korean War."

The second man says, "Nice. I served in the United States Marine Corps for 8 years. I was involved in the Iraq War."

The third man says, "I was involved in the War on Drugs. I served 15 year...

Sometimes I try to sneak into the Intensive Care Unit to tell bad puns, but they always stop me by saying

ICU

You should never cut off an addicts supply line, they will lash out in anger and do everything in their power to stop you.

This is why I avoid talking about abortions with my Priest.

My ex girlfriend couldn't stop bragging about my length and girth.

But she was just pulling my leg.

The fighting needs to stop

An archaeologist and 2 historians are sitting next to each other on a plane. The archaeologist took off his shoes. One of the historians asks the archaeologist to get him a coke. He says yes and when he gets up the historian spits in his shoe. When the archaeologist got back the other historian ask...

Can we stop the conspiracy theories on Epstein's death? It was a normal suicide, because he had nothing to live for.

"This post is supported and paid for by the Clinton Foundation"

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the light.

How do you stop a homeopath from drowning?

Add more water.

I thought my vasectomy would stop my wife from getting babies

Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby.

My dog won’t stop barking

I think he has Irritable Growl Syndrome

A policeman stops a woman for driving over the speed limit.

A policeman stops a woman for driving over the speed limit. The policeman approaches the window and the woman says to the cop:”I thought that you didn’t give ticket to pretty women”

The policeman answers:”Actually, we don’t. So sign here please.”

Mom: Stop making suicide jokes

Her son: Don't worry I'll stop soon

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

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This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus.

A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors. She tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight. So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little. She tried to step up onto the steps again. But it was still to tight. She reached back and unzipped some more. Tried to step up again ...

Vampires need to stop turning their victims at such a young age.

Help end Premature Draculation.

A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassin...

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Doctor: Sam, I'm very sorry but you have to stop masturbating.

Sam: What? Why?

Doctor: Because I'm talking to you

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The wife just asked me to make love to her and make sure I do that thing that stops me orgasming quickly.

I am now sleeping on the couch and can only assume my answer of "What, turning the light on?" wasn't what she meant.

How do you stop your dog from barking in the backyard?

Put him in the front yard.

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My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.



On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - who could it b...

If Darth Vader said "Nothing's gonna stop us now" instead of "There will be no one to stop us this time..."

Would that make him Mannequin Skywalker?

The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.

Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar."

The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?"

The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license...

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

You remove them from the gene pool.

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

Subway stops are kind of my fetish.

It's just how I get off.

A man is walking home late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, th...

My mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down

My art teacher says that i am obsessed with The Rolling Stones and told me to stop painting their logo in her class.

So i Paint It Black

We need to stop giving women rights.

We need to give them lefts as well.

That way they can finally drive as good as men.

People need to stop putting flyers on my car.

No, I don’t want to see a band called “Parking Violation” at the “Courthouse” next Thursday.

Stop blaming the video games for violence.

Some of you played Mortal Kombat your whole lives and never learned how to finish her.

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My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

Will people please stop calling me a hypochondriac!?

I'm sick of it.

My Star Wars obsessed son wouldn't stop asking for a car.

So I bought him a toy Yoda.

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an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian....

an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodia...

My dog wouldn’t stop chasing people on bikes.

It got so bad that I had to take the bikes away.

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A man goes to a camel service stop

He tells the worker "My camel won't walk, can you help?"

"Sure" He signals to the automotive lift "Put the camel on the lift"

The man drags the camel on the lift and the worker slams the camels balls with 2 bricks and it runs off

"How am i supposed to catch it now?" To which the...

Why did the government stop sending electronic assignments to their Secret Service agents?

Because they were producing too many harmful E-missions.

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