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A London lawyer runs a stop sign..

And gets pulled over by an Irish cop. This hotshot sure knows he's better educated and definitely smarter than some random Irish cop. He decides to prove to himself how smart he is while having some fun at the cop.

Irish cop:"License and registration, please."

"What for?", lawyer asks....

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

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A guy is walking up to a pub and is stopped outside by a nun.

"You're not going in there to drink alcohol now are you?" she says.


"Sure am." he replies.


"You know it's a sin right?"


"I'm an atheist."


"Well, what would your parents think?" she asks.


"I'm an orphan."


"Well... You know ...

I saw a werewolf behind the bus stop last night!

Or a really hairy homeless guy.

Either way, the silver bullet worked!

Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.

As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.

What could have stopped the Great Flood?

Goddamn.

Why couldn't the PC gamer stop crying?

He refused to be consoled.

A man named Jeff was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of Jeff’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”



Jeff replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”



“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.



The next day, the officer saw Jeff driving d...

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People need to stop calling me "Karen" It's so offensive.

Me: That's fine we'll go back to what we used to call you.

Karen: Thanks....

Me: You're welcome, Bitch.

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

A have a horrible disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal,

(Told to me by my friend Dave)

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:

“Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter....

Elton John gets stopped by police

The officers however don’t recognise him, and Elton shows the a picture online.

Officer 1: I’m so sorry sir, we didn’t recognise you

Officer 2: yes but you were doing 55 in a 40 sir elton so, can we see your license?

The next day Elton is locked in a cell, screaming out : I did...

My friend asked me to stop singing wonderwall

I said maybe

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestan...

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

**Wife:** whatever means necessary.

**Me:** No it doesn't.

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If Viagra improves your sex life then which food stops it?

Wedding cake

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Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious

Girl: Come over

Guy: I'm coming over

Girl: We should stop using Walkie-Talkies in bed over

Stop looking for the perfect match…

use a lighter.

My doctor told me I had to stop heavy drinking.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because there are no drinks allowed during checkups."

I told my girlfriend last week to get her air conditioning fixed and to stop walking around the house naked for all the neighbors to see. I came over today and nothing has changed

Except now she’s got only fans

I got stopped by a cop.

"Get out of the car please, sir," he said.

"OK."

"Now hand me your keys," he demanded.

"OK."

"Now, can you walk in a straight line?"

"No," I informed him.

I went on walking.

"Are you drunk, sir?" he questioned a little louder.

"Far from it," I ...

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two rather drunk women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

I find it hard to stop biting my fingernails

Because I always have them on hand.

I wear a mask. Not because I want to, but because it is considerate of others and helps stop the spread of particulates.

I also wear underwear. Not because I want to, but...

Can we please stop doing women specific jokes, especially about menstruation?

They aren't funny, period.

I have decided to stop drinking beer for good.

Now I drink for evil. Bwahahaha.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my therapist about my reoccurring dream where I crash my car because it’s missing the pedal that helps me stop

He said he thinks I need a brake

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

My wife wants me to stop making movie references

But old habits John McClane

If a stork delivers babies, what bird stops babies from being delivered?

A Swallow

My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening were you?"

I thought... "that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation?"

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police car one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.

As they drove through the streets, they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "You're Passionate."

They drove a while longer and aske...

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

Why did the two vegans stop arguing?

They realized they were having beef

A mushroom walks up to a bar but the bouncer stops him and points at a sign that says "NO MUSHROOMS".

The mushroom says "Hey what's the big deal, I'm a fungii!"

Can you stop staring at my gf when she's breastfeeding at the mall????

When I'm thirsty I'm thirsty.

So I went on a date with this woman who didn’t stop using similes all evening...

I don’t know what I metaphor.

A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....

So she says to her baby

_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her

10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_

5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to ...

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies...

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks" says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it".

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks" the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol on...

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the light!

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

From today onwards, I have decided to stop denigrating anti maskers.

And if you are an anti masker, “denigrate” means to put down.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk I have a work station...

My girlfriend told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo..

..it was at that moment I knew I needed to put my foot down.

Some guy stopped me in the street and asked, why I was carrying a 9ft book.....

I said, its a long story.

During a zoom band class the teacher asked a student to name different notes. As he was reading them he stopped suddenly and said, "I forgot what note this is"

A bandmate put an F in the chat.

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

I really should stop procrastinating on my meteorology paper.

It’s about dew.

Dad jokes from my coworker that he won’t stop saying all day long...

I really hate when non dads say dad jokes. It’s such a faux-pa

We had a storm the other night and 25% of my roof flew away. Oof.

You know lance just isn’t as common of a name as it used to be. You know when it was? The Middle Ages. Guys were named lance a lot.

"Doctor! Doctor! I can't stop singing Delilah!"

"It sounds like you have Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual..."

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

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What if I tell you there is a way to stop all the kids in the school making fun of you because you are still a virgin?

Just start giving them bad grades.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two nuns are stopped at an intersection...

Two nuns are stopped at an intersection when a drunk guy comes up and says

“Hey! Let’s see them tits!”

The nun in the passenger seat turns to the other and says

“He must not realize who we are. Show him your cross.”

So the nun driving rolls down her windo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We should stop calling anti-maskers pussies, that's not true.

They're complete cunts.

I can't stop fapping

... i*t's getting out of hand*

Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him

but this isn't even my final form.

So I stopped by the optometrist yesterday, for an eye examine

He told me, my eyesight was so bad, 20/20 might be the only responsible way to describe it.

A couple of shrimp were at the bar next to me, eating a bowl of fries. I went to ask if I could have one, but the bartender stopped me. "Don't bother," he said, "they won't share.

They're two shellfish."

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So a guy walks into a truck stop and orders soup...

It arrives in a few minutes. The waiter has his finger in the soup. As he sets the soup down the guy goes: “Oi!!! What gives with the finger in my soup???”

The waiter replies affably: “Oh, it’s just that I have a cuticle infection and keeping it warm helps.”

“Why in the ever loving fuc...

I randomly encountered a video on YouTube that’s says "How to stop procrasinating”

I thought it was beneficial to me since I am constantly procrastinating, so I saved it to watch later

Tom was stopped by the cops while walking home at 2am the other night.

The cop asked where him where he was going at that time of night. Tom replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Tom re...

How do you stop a kidnapper from putting you in the back of a van?

Just call shotgun, now you've got the window seat.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

A police officer attempts to stop a car...

for speeding but the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.

The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your ...

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving a lake well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden.

The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this lake and let them swim around for about a half-h...

One day - a woman decides to save up money and get a facelift for herself

On her way home she stopped at a shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for...

Stop blaming politicians

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

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A man goes into a bar and orders for a beer. "Here's what you do, you give me a fresh new bottle each time I finish until I tell you to stop." he tells the bartender

The bartender sees nothing wrong with his request, and nods.

Immediately the man downs his beer, pulls out his wallet, looks at a picture, and downs another bottle. He does this routinely until he reaches 10 bottles at which he finally takes out money from his wallet, pays for the beers, and ...

How do you stop laughter?

Add an S

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Why have blind people stopped wiping their asses?

They can’t see shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sean Connery was so traumatized he stopped giving oral sex

After that time he told a woman to sit on his face.


(Might be old, but made me laugh nonetheless)

I really need to stop procrastinating.

Eh I'll Start tomorrow.

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Two explorers are walking down a path in a jungle. One signals the other to stop and come over with his hand. "Don't make a noise." he whispers, and points to a place between two trees...

... they slowly come close to find a steaming pile of shit. "What does this mean?" he asks taking off his hat and fanning the smell away.


"Well Bill, if you find a piece of stinky shit sure enough there is an asshole nearby!"

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What does a Jamaican say when he stops smoking ?

What the fuck is this shitty music ?

Why did corona stop on the side of the road?

It helped a geriatric to the other side

My wife and I decided to stop having kids...

I haven’t bought condoms in a while and I was surprised of find a years supply for such a reasonable price.

Pack of 3 for $3.69. Super-sensitive too.

Doctor, doctor, I can't stop wearing transparent underpants.

Well, I can clearly see your nuts.

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A driver refuses to stop for police.....

They chase him for miles and finally pull the old guy over. Policeman asks him why he didn't stop. The old guy says, "Well, fifteen years ago my wife ran off with a cop. I thought you bastards might have been trying to give her back!"

What do you say if someone won't stop describing a jug?

Okay, I get the pitcher

Can everyone please stop making North Korea jokes?

My friend went there for a vacation, and he's having so much fun that he hasn't remembered to keep in touch with us for about 7 years now.

My house is a stone's throw away from the bus stop.

It's the one with broken windows.

Bob has 69 candy bars. He eats 42 of them and then stops eating. What does he have now?

Diabetes.

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A police officer stopped a man

"Sir, please stop sexually offending that man."

"Don't worry, I'm a registered sex offender."

"My mistake, sir, you may continue."

A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"

-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.

-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!

-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.

-- Oh, okay!

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A DEA officer stopped by our farm the other day.

“I need to inspect your farm for growing illegal drugs.” he said. “Okay but don’t go into that field over there...”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying “Mister I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his pocket he took out his badge and shoved it in my face...

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway and asks, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"

On which the miner replies, "mine".

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A parrot said to his owner one day: Go fuck yourself. The owner didn't really care. The next day the parrot said again : Go fuck yourself. The owner was trying to ignore it but the parrot did not stop. After some time the owner said if you insult me again i will snap your neck.

The next day the parrot said :Hey
The owner said :What
The parrot:You know what.

Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn’t stop telling jokes?

It was on a roll.

"STOP HITTING YOURSELF, STOP HITTING YOURSELF" the bully chanted

But I could not, for he popped off my prosthetics

My girlfriend left me cause I couldn’t stop quoting linkin park songs

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

I'm a very big Oasis fan, specifically Wonderwall. I sing it all the time. My girlfriend hates it though, so she asked me to stop singing it.

I said maybe.

I caught someone keying my mother-in-law's car. Just before he got away I managed to stop him.

I said, "Here, try mine, yours look a bit blunt."

My cop husband was trying to put our toddler down for a nap, but she wouldn’t stop running around the house.

He finally picks her up, throws her over his shoulder, and yells “stop resisting a rest!”

During my flight, I stopped a terrorist from killing more than 300 hundred people.

Through self-control.

Mr. Heisenberg was driving too fast on a road when he suddenly got stopped by a police. Heisenberg asked the following "Is anything wrong, officer?" which the police replied with "Are you out of your mind? You were driving 250 kilometers per hour!"

To that Mr. Heisenberg said "Aw damn it! Now I don't know where I am!"

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did they stop the production of the air conditioned toilet seat?

Shit hit the fan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor, I can 't stop singing "What's New, Pussycat."

Hmm...I'll run some tests, but it's probably Tom Jones syndrome.

\--Is that common?

Well, it's not unusual.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

A preacher and a young boy were sitting at a bus stop.

The boy had a bottle of clear liquid and he kept shaking it up, looking at the bubbles. The preacher asked the youngster what he had in the bottle. "Preacher man, this here is the strongest liquid known to mankind, Turpentine!"

The preacher reaching into his vest pocket, "Young man, I beg t...

Border patrol stops a man on a bike

One day a bicycle rider stops at a border control.

On top of the man’s bike are two bags of powder like substances.

The border control Police demand that he open the bags so they can see what’s inside. When the man did cut the bags open, inside was nothing but sand.

The border c...

A German police car is stopping a slow driving car on the Autobahn.

The police officer gets out and asks the motorist why he is driving that slow.

"Well, I drive the speed as of the Autobahn's designation number.", replies the motorist.

P: "So, on the A25 you're doing..."

M: "25, yes. My speedometer gives out the exact number, so I try to maint...

Algebra stop asking us to find your x

She's not coming back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't?

Stop school shootings

A persistent banker wouldn't stop hitting on me!

Even after I asked him to leave me a loan.

Where are we?

Not mine:

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before w...

How does a blind man know when to stop wiping?

He does a taste test

People should stop picking on anti-vaxxers...

....After all, they’re practically defenseless!

A cop pulls over a old lady for running a stop sign at an intersection.

As he approaches the car he notices 6 penguins in the back seat of her car. She rolls down the window and the cop says "Ma'am I pulled you over because you ran that stop sign back there, but now that I am here I have to say, you cant just be driving around with these penguins in your car. You shou...

It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona

Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.

This will make sure that

a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.

b) nobody will shake hands with you.

c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.

d) You will wash your hands thor...

My Dad tried twisting the wicks of a handful of firecrackers together and accidentally pulled them out. I told him to stop and not try to fix them, it wasn't safe.

He refused two.

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?

Nail down the other hand.

(NSFW)ish ...A boy and his mother are standing on a train platform when an announcement on the tannoy plays “attention the next train on platform 2 will not be stopping”

The boy shuffles closer to the edge and his mother calls out “billy stand away from the edge of the platform or the train will suck you off.” The boy stops for a second, looks at his mother then back at the tracks. The boy then pelvic thrusts and announces “come onnnnn train”

I have a fear of negative numbers...

I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

An Arab student emails his dad:

*An Arab student emails his dad:*

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

...

My son had a bad habit of drawing everywhere. First he started vandalising his toys, then the newspapers and eventually the furniture. But when he drew on the walls I had to stop him.

Because that's where I draw the line

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn't move

Wife said 'What are you doing?"

I said I've seen this online it's called buffering

If we stop testing right now, we'd have very few cases, if any

-POTUS on covid

what do you call a joke that's stopped?

a standing joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father is annoyed at his son who won't stop looking at dad jokes on reddit. "Son! Get your ass down here! double time!" He shouts

As his words hit the air, His son suddenly vanishes, leaving behind only a note.

It reads: "Me and my donkey are now downstairs. The year is 4040"

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