UPJOKE
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Possible Jokes

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Possible repost but... Why does a bride smile at her wedding?

Because she knows that she has given her last blowjob.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.

One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lio...

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My girlfriend said she didn't think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating

But I managed to pull it off.

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I...

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.

**The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all...

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

Is it possible to kill someone with a piece of Cheddar cheese?

Yes, but only if it's extra sharp.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

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I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex

But when the time came, I finally knew

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

Time travel is possible!

The United States just traveled back 50 years!

Is it possible to make a case for the camel?

weAlreadyDid.

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Wow, that's possible?

Apparently a man in Australia, who was so drunk that he was kicked out of the bar,
decided to go to a local zoo where he climbed into the enclosure of a
5m saltwater crocodile and tried to ride it.

It almost defies belief.

I mean, how fucking drunk would you have to be to get kic...

Brain transplants will never be possible.

Change my mind.

TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom.

But not twice.

Is it possible to repost a joke before the original is posted?

That’s pre-posterous

Is it possible to stop a grenade from exploding by putting the pin back in?

I need a quick answer to this question

When you’re with Spanish-speaking friends, remember to say “mucho” as much as possible

It means a lot to them

A little boy asks his mother, "Mom, is it possible to eat electricity?"

The mother says: 'What? Where did you hear that?

The boy replied: "Yesterday I heard Dad say to you, 'Turn off the light and put it in your mouth.'

So it is possible to just slap a comedian that annoys you.

You don't need to destroy their whole country.

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Possible original joke my dad would always tell me that cracked me up

Chad (my dad) is walking down the street to the gas station to get a drink, when he gets hit by a car. He awakens to see an angel in front of him. "Hello, Chad. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you were struck by a car, and have been brought to Heaven. I'm here to bring you to God for judgeme...

I didn't think it was possible for anything to be hot and cold at the same time.

Until I discovered necrophilia.

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Is it possible to pee with a boner?

Yes, it's just harder.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines hims...

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In the Olympics, we should allow the athletes to take as many drugs as possible.

Fuck it, I want to see how high they can jump!

How is it possible for anyone to wear Doc Martens on both feet?

isn't that a pairodocs?

An optimist believes this is the best of all possible worlds.

A pessimist is afraid he's right.

Is it possible to be bored to death?

That all depends on the drill.

I really need to plant some herbs of my own as soon as possible.

I'm living on borrowed thyme.

I hosted the worst possible orgy.

Nobody came.

A possible reason for the facebook outage

Bruno Fernandes' penalty had hit the satellite

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A guy tattoos his wife's name on his dick (possible nsfw)

A guy was getting married and decided to tattoo his wife's name, Wendy, on his penis. When it was erect, her name was on it, but when it wasn't, it only said "wy"

So they get married and go on their honeymoon to Jamaica. On the last day, the newlyweds go to a nude beach. The guy goes to the b...

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Capitalism and politics explained in the best way possible.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your ...

Possible OC??

What's the difference between a demolition derby and some drunks on a bus?


One's a bar-crawl. The other's a car-brawl.

Its not possible to plant flowers

If you haven't botany

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NSFW Possible Coronavirus Inoculant Found

Experts suggest that a hormone found in ordinary semen may, if consumed in sufficient quantities over time, produce a gradual immunity buildup to the Covid19 virus.

Source: Am expert

ELI5: Is human cloning possible?

SCIENTIST: Eli, I have 4 people I’d like you to meet...

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

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Moose hunting {possible repost}

A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.
The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The p...

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A college class was asked to write a short story in as few words as possible.

A college class was asked to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The only catch was the story had to include three subjects:

1: Religion

2: Sexuality

3: Mystery

Below is the only A* essay.

"Good god, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it...

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Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

Zelensky and Putin meet in Belarus to discuss a possible armistice when a suddenly a bomb goes off

There is a lot of confusion and when security finally manages to get to the presidents, both of them are in a horrible shape and need to be put in an artificial coma.

After 10 years, they both wake up in the hospital and are visibly confused. No doctor or nurse was around, so they decide to p...

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A Teacher asks the students..

"Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?"

Nobody is able to answer

Teacher: "You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer."

The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question.

Teacher: "Well, it seems your parents a...

I don't think it's possible for me to become a sniper.

Not by a long shot!

What is the most toxic gas? (Possible Dad Joke?)

Air, every person died consuming it.

What's not possible for God to do right now?

Nutting

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Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

An old farmer in the olden days committed suicide in the most generic way possible

It was just a run off the mill suicide.

Nothing is possible.

I do it all the time

All new hospitals will be designed to look as embarrassing as possible

You won't be seen dead inside one

Time travel is actually possible!

I'll explain how five minutes ago.

I wish teleportation was possible..

I would never get late to the airport and lose my flight again...

This was Actually Said..

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witne...

Would it have been possible to avoid the disaster of Chernobyl?

In theory yes, but those damn Swedes couldn't keep their mouth shut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NASA Scientists say its possible to live on Mars.

Bullshit, I tried it and now I'm 15Kg heavier and diabetic

The worst possible pet you can have is an atom

They are always up to something when you're not looking, and when you look back they act totally innocent. If they are even still there.

I have lived to see something I never thought possible.

The Coronation of an American president.

Damn girl are you a piñata?

Because imma need a blindfold before I hit that

I did everything possible to try and convince my ex-wife to remarry me.

But she figured out that I was only after my own money.

People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future.

Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds.

My county has just been under a tornado warning. As a redditor, I am excited thinking about the possible damage to my fence.

I could have so much reposting to do!

IMPORTANT NOTE: Do everything humanly possible to avoid getting COVID-19 now.

I just heard they're releasing COVID-20 next month.

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

[Possible OC] What's the worst thing to write in Braille?

Caution hot surface

For over a year I've done everything possible to try and lose my extra weight.

I've been eating right, working out, going for daily walks but it just wont work. She's still there when I get back.

Is it possible to stutter in sign language?

Yes, it’s called Parkinson’s

Is it possible for an evil spirit to be dyslexic ?

Asking for a fiend.

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?

A battering R.A.M.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Describe your boobs using the simplest words possible.

Like father like daughter.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri...

Texas is the Lone Star state.

Of course, that’s out of a possible 5 stars.

A bear joke

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment,...

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

I've invented a new talent contest where you have to dress up as a sailor and eat as much spinach as fast as possible.

I'm going to call it Popeyedol.

If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.

What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.

How is it possible for people to believe the moon landing never happened?

Come on! It's not rocket science!

I tested for possible cases of corona in my lab today.

Only one was positive; the other three just turned out to be budweiser with a bit of added tequila.

Had a test the other day and got the highest possible score!

The policeman holding the breathalyser wasn't as happy as me though...

My friend always broke jokes down to the most basic level possible

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