UPJOKE
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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

Time travel is possible!

The United States just traveled back 50 years!

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

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Do you know if it's possible to have a skin graft from your buttocks and donate to someone who isn't a relative?

Ass skin for a friend.

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A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

My county has just been under a tornado warning. As a redditor, I am excited thinking about the possible damage to my fence.

I could have so much reposting to do!

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Is it possible to pee with a boner?

Yes, it's just harder.

I really need to plant some herbs of my own as soon as possible.

I'm living on borrowed thyme.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

So it is possible to just slap a comedian that annoys you.

You don't need to destroy their whole country.

I've invented a new talent contest where you have to dress up as a sailor and eat as much spinach as fast as possible.

I'm going to call it Popeyedol.

I didn't think it was possible for anything to be hot and cold at the same time.

Until I discovered necrophilia.

Zelensky and Putin meet in Belarus to discuss a possible armistice when a suddenly a bomb goes off

There is a lot of confusion and when security finally manages to get to the presidents, both of them are in a horrible shape and need to be put in an artificial coma.

After 10 years, they both wake up in the hospital and are visibly confused. No doctor or nurse was around, so they decide to p...

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What Hangs Down and has a Tiny Penis?

Funny enough, my mother was the one who told me this joke. First, you call someone (preferably a close friend). Then you ask them the question "What hangs down and has a tiny penis?" then you strategically wait for their response. If they don't answer correctly with "a bat" then say "The answer is a...

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Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

Priest/Rabbi

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

“What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?” asked the Rabbi.

“Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job.” replied the P...

English to become the official European language.

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-E...

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

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This guy was cruising along a deserted Texas highway on his way to work..

doing 92 mph in an 85 zone. As he crests a slight hill he gets nailed by a highway patrolman running radar. Easing over onto the shoulder and coming to a stop, the officer walks up to the car and asks "License and registration please, and where the hell are you going in such a hurry?"

The...

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A tax inspector visits the mansion of a rich guy

The homeowner opens the door and the tax inspector asks him how is it possible to have such a huge mansion with sports cars and not declare an income. The guy says that he doesn't work and that he makes his money by doing bets with people. For example he says do you bet 1000 dollars that i can lick ...

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Wow, that's possible?

Apparently a man in Australia, who was so drunk that he was kicked out of the bar,
decided to go to a local zoo where he climbed into the enclosure of a
5m saltwater crocodile and tried to ride it.

It almost defies belief.

I mean, how fucking drunk would you have to be to get kic...

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Voodoo Dildo

There's this older, very wealthy fellow. Of course, being very wealthy, he snagged himself a younger and smoking hot wife. Well today he accepted he can't have sex anymore because viagra has ceased to work with him, so he goes to the adult shop to get his wife a toy instead.

He walks up to th...

The drunk driver

The traffic cop has parked outside the bar and is looking for drunk drivers.
At closing time he spots one who leaves the bar, staggers a few times, and walks to his car.
He searches for his keys for five minutes, finds them, and searches for another five minutes to find the keyhole. Meanwh...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

Two guys are waiting in front of the delivery room.

The younger guy asks to old man "Was that your daughter they took in?"

-No she is my wife

-Aren't you too old to be a father?

Old man gets angry and yells "So what?"

-Look, my grandfather used to love hunting. Every weekend he would take his gun and go hunt some animal. B...

How many customer service representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

Your upvote is very important to us, please be assured that we will make the punchline available to you as soon as possible.

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.

**The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all...

A father and a daughter are travelling in a big foreign city

They are attacked by a group of robbers, and they are left destitute. The father breaks into tears.

"My daughter, what are we going to do now? We are doomed!" He cries, hopeless.

"No, we are not", says the daughter smiling, and hands him his wallet with all the money in place.
...

Married in Heaven?

A very loving couple were on their way to organise their wedding when they had a horrific car crash and died.

When they reached the Pearly Gates they asked St. Peter,
"We were on our way to get married when we arrived here, do you know if it's possible to get married in Heaven?"
"Do yo...

DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant!

Little David is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really ne...

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.



It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible ca...

Father's Promise from His Three Sons

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them to college. “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”
...

An old farmer in the olden days committed suicide in the most generic way possible

It was just a run off the mill suicide.

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

Texas is the Lone Star state.

Of course, that’s out of a possible 5 stars.

A little boy asks his mother, "Mom, is it possible to eat electricity?"

The mother says: 'What? Where did you hear that?

The boy replied: "Yesterday I heard Dad say to you, 'Turn off the light and put it in your mouth.'

Three guys go to a ski lodge.

There’s a shortage of rooms, so they have to share a room and a bed.
In the middle of the night, the first guy wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The second guy wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

While they are discussi...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

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Here is a useful information you need to know : Orthodox priests are allowed to get married. That explains why the priest is believed to have a wife. Now read the joke.

A man from a small Bulgarian (Orthodox country) village had an insurmountable desire to sleep with the local priest's wife. In order to ensure that the priest would not come home in the wrong time the man asked a good friend of his to find a way to keep the priest in the church for long enough. The ...

A man walks into a bar with a small man on his shoulder

He slaps down 5 $100 dollar bills and yells "drinks for everyone". A cheer goes up. The bartender goes up and down the bar filling drinks. The little man jumps off his shoulder and runs up and down the bar kicking over all the drinks. The man shakes his head and slaps down another $500 "drinks f...

A guy was standing on the 100th floor of a building.

"Imagine what would happen if you fell from this height", he says to the guy standing beside him.

"Oh, you CAN'T fall from this height" says the guy standing next to him.

"What?"

"It's not possible to fall from this height"

"What do you mean?"

"Due to the air press...

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My girlfriend said she didn't think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating

But I managed to pull it off.

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A colonel in the French Foreign Legion was given command of an isolated outpost in the middle of the desert.

On his first day, he had his sergeant show him around. He noticed that there was a solitary camel tied up behind the enlisted men's barracks. "Sergeant," said the colonel, "what is that camel doing there?"

"Well, sir," the sergeant answered, "the men are out here in the desert for so long, an...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 19 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

The Factory (OC)

"Jenkins!" the boss screamed. "I need you to go to China. The factory reports that they are turning out product as fast as they possibly can, but that just can't be right. I need you to go see what's going on."

So on Tuesday, Jenkins flew to Shanghai and drove to the factory, where he persona...

A doctor was accused of murdering someone by performing an autopsy while the patient was still alive

During the court case, the attorney looked at the doctor and said, “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

The doctor said no

“Did you check for breathing?”

The doctor again said no.

The attorney said, “so then, is it at all possible, that t...

The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I m...

My wife decided to trim our household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand...

Proud of her savings, she boasted “We’re are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.”

I replied, “Good, wash it again!”

Brain transplants will never be possible.

Change my mind.

Silly Dry Humor.

There were three brothers, Foot, Footfoot and Footfootfoot.

They were living their lives for years but someday Foot became gravely ill and died.After 1 month of mourning Footfoot said to Footfootfoot.

Brother it's been 1 month of mourning and crying over our brother's grave, I can't ta...

A possible reason for the facebook outage

Bruno Fernandes' penalty had hit the satellite

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, thi...

Lawyers...?

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding.

In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
<...

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Out with the girls...

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight and even did a pinkie swear.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the ...

A man walks into a doctor's office...

and says "Doctor I need two pairs of glasses as soon as possible."
Doctor- Why do you need two pairs?
Patient- Because I'm seeing double.

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines hims...

The optimist: This is the best of all possible worlds!

The pessimist: You are right!

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I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex

But when the time came, I finally knew

Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers l...

An Old Couple has Memory Problems

They both continually struggle with short term memory issues, forgetting their keys, glasses and everything else you could possibly imagine!

One day they went to the doctors to ask him what they could do. He told them that one of the best things they can do is write everything down. Not only ...

I did everything possible to try and convince my ex-wife to remarry me.

But she figured out that I was only after my own money.

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Young woman visits her gynecologist

After the checkup, he says: "Everything looks OK. If you have no questions, you are free to go."

She turn red and says, she has a question, but she is too embarased. But continues: "My partner wanted to try anal sex and when we did it, I liked it a lot and want to do it again, but first I wan...

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

For over a year I've done everything possible to try and lose my extra weight.

I've been eating right, working out, going for daily walks but it just wont work. She's still there when I get back.

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One day at the end of class, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with a moral of the story

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

“My dad owns a farm...

I don't think it's possible for me to become a sniper.

Not by a long shot!

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

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Capitalism and politics explained in the best way possible.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your ...

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made...”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to he...

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