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Impossible Jokes

Why it's impossible for skeletons to create a Choir

They don't have the organs.

Did you know it's impossible to run in a campground?

You can only ran, it's past tents.

Someone shouts: ”Stupid Dad jokes are making the Earth an impossible place to live!”

A Dad shouts back: “Maybe you just need some Space.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating...

But I think I've pulled it off.

Why is it impossible for a flat Earther calculate the volume of the Earth?

Because there is always a rounding error.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy hears about an "impossible to hunt" bear.

So he decides to go and hunt it.
He goes with his normal rifle and hides on the forest until he sees the bear. He shoots three times, but doesnt hit the bear.
The bear turns back, stands, looks at the now scared guy, nods, and walks slowly to him.
- you just shoot me!- says the bear.
-e...

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

Did you know it’s impossible to eat baklava underground?

Because then it’s bakmagma

They finally did it, Reddit has made impossible for blind people to moderate their sub with the api changes. This is their last statement from r/blind

"H dhei osndhsjbw siso is koqp odjd jsoa JD djs sis ikksbs"

(I am sorry for this horrible joke and I really hope things may work out for you)

People say nothing is impossible

But I do nothing every day

I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

It’s impossible to please women.

Even at your wedding, you are not the best man

Why is it impossible to fight a scarecrow?

By the time it reaches its last straw, there's nothing left.

Why is it impossible to hold a race in Finland?

Because in Finland, every line is a Finnish line. . .

It’s impossible to talk to my dad during breakfast because he still reads the newspaper.

One can say….he is behind The Times.

I hate it when people use metaphors that are physically impossible.

It makes my blood boil.

What did the impossible non-Euclidean wife shape say to her impossible non-Euclidean husband shape?

"This relationship is very one-sided."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

A chiropractor said he could fix my paraplegia. I told him it was impossible.

I stand corrected.

Why is it impossible to park your boat in two places at once?

Because that would require a pair a docks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.

Can’t say that I’m surprised.

It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.

Either it sucks or it sucks!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peeing with a boner isn’t impossible...

It’s just a little hard.

TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up

Without looking really dumb.

According to all the laws of aviation, it should be impossible for a bee to fly.

This is because no bee has filed a permit with the FAA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"It's impossible" said Pride. "It's risky" said Experience. "It's pointless" said Reason. "Give it a try" whispered Heart. (NSFW)

"What the hell is that!" screamed the anus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is impossible to stick in nearly half the time but too damn easy to pull out?

Those damn USB keys.

It would be impossible to remake a classic movie like Casablanca today

because the cast and crew are all dead.

It's almost impossible to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.

Since they always take things literally.

I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins.

It was impossible to differentiate between them.

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

The impossible wish

A guy saves a frog from a forest fire. The frog turns out to be a magical frog, and is very grateful to the man for having saved its life. So the frog offers to grant him three wishes. The man says, “Great. So I want:   1. Lifelong access to any cinema,   2. I want to be 10 years younger and   3. I ...

My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder

But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

The impossible Whopper isn't really anything new

Burger King never used real meat

What do you call water that’s impossible to freeze?

Noticeable.

I recently made an impossible escape room and I’m extremely proud!

It’s called Student Loans.

A Blonde, a Brunette, and A Red Head are sentenced to death.

They are lined up in the yard to be killed. The main guard went up to the Brunette. “You have a choice on how you would like to die: by electric chair, firing squad, or hanging. Which will it be?”

The Brunette replied, “I’ll take the electric chair.”

She was led away by two other guar...

It's impossible to make a joke about Socialism.

Because its not funny unless EVERYBODY gets it.

Is the impossible whopper still vegan if....

The animal cooking it spits on it?

I wanted to learn how to say impossible in French

Turns out it's impossible.

I saw Mission Impossible: Fallout yesterday.

It's probably the longest iPhone commercial I'll ever watch.

It is impossible to play hide and seek in an airport

You’re always hiding in plane sight

They say “when pigs fly” means impossible

But how come we have swine flu?

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

Avoiding click-bait is impossible.

My point exactly.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. At one point in the discussion, the teacher remarked that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow an entire human being because

…even though the whale was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
"But the whale swallowed Jonah," the little girl insisted.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible, she said.
The little girl said, "When I get to he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour

"No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a girl asks you "Does my butt looks big in this?" That is her way of asking you to set the difficulty for the evening...

Easy mode: Of course not honey, you look wonderful.

Medium mode: Hmm, maybe try a different pair of pants.

Hard mode: Yes, but it looks big in anything.

Impossible mode: Yes, but on the bright side, it draws attention away from your face.

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?

Because of all the sand which is there.

What do you call a man who sells impossible houses?

A surreal estate agent

My mom taught me that it is impossible to hum and wink at the same time...

She also taught me that I was gullible, kind of like the people who are reading this and just tried to hum and wink with ease. Thank mom, I love you!

A creationist told me that evolution must be wrong because it violates the second law of thermodynamics

His claim was that in order for simple organisms like bacteria to evolve into much more complex life like fish and mice and horses and gorillas and people, an enormous input of energy would be required, therefore it must be impossible.

I stayed up all night trying to think of something that w...

Even though we live through a pandemic at the moment, it is literally impossible for me to become bedridden!

I just cant afford one.

Mission Impossible

United State Air Force has a high security, super secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
One afternoon, a Cessna landed at this "secret" base. The aircraft was immediately impounded & the pilot was interrogated.
The pilot's story was that - he took off from Vegas, got lost &...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

2016 has done the impossible

It claimed the life of Chuck Norris.

"Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris (born March 10, 1940) is an American martial artist, actor, film producer and screenwriter died this morning in his house in Oklahoma at the age of 76. He is feeling much better now and has fully recovered from this minor annoyan...

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pu...

There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary

Should have checked before I bought it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

I won a nearly impossible fight where the odds were six against one.

But once I joined, we beat him up in five minutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Non believers say it is impossible for a virgin to have kids...

... but my socially awkward friend Mitchell owns a goat farm - and he has plenty of kids!

Why is it impossible to keep Oedipus from cheating at Scrabble?

He's always trying to look at his mother's rack.

Richard, a good friend of mine, insisted that it's now impossible to get a "repost" to the front page of /r/jokes...

"Every joke ever written has been posted to Reddit and there is nothing left to joke about." Said Richard and he even suggesting many of you would agree.

"Put your money down on the table, I bet I can get a "repost" to the front page!" I replied with a sense of regret as I soon as I said tho...

Why is it almost impossible to solve a murder in Alabama?

Because they all have the same DNA.

It's impossible to tell when there's a Pterodactyl using your bathroom...

... as the P is silent.

Why is it impossible to throw a beer at Trump?

Because he's a draft dodger

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it impossible to mistake a penis for a vagina?

Because there's a vas deference.

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding h...

A German woman swore an oath to prepare her large field for planting using only the teachings of Lao-tsu, an ox and a pig. Local farmers call this "impossible".

# Headline:"Frau vows to plow with Tao, cow and sow... somehow."

Why is it impossible to schedule an event at the library?

Because it’s always completely booked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to her doctor

A woman goes to her doctor and says " I have psittacosis of the pussy ". He says " That's impossible! It's a disease that parrots suffer from".
She insists that she has psittacosis and wants to be examined. He duly does so and says "As I said, you don't have psittacosis, but I can see that you ha...

TIL: If you pull down on both your earlobes at the same time it makes it impossible to smile.

Made you smile! :)

Why is it impossible to play UNO with Mexicans?

Because they keep stealing all the green cards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Teacher asks the students..

"Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?"

Nobody is able to answer

Teacher: "You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer."

The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question.

Teacher: "Well, it seems your parents a...

When is it impossible to give someone the time of day?

At Night
(Yes this joke was from a math worksheet)

My mom told me that it’s impossible to shoot fireballs from your hands.

I disagree, I told her shoryuken.

My wife said it was "crazy and impossible" when I told her I wanted to make a car out of spaghetti...

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need.

2B or not 2B, that is the question.

With the success of BK's Impossible Whopper, McDonald's decided they needed a non-meat option too.

So they brought back the McRib.

Scientists have determined that it's impossible to change a female sheep into a male.

They'll never make a man out of ewe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

What will happen if they decide to cast out Tom Cruise off of Mission Impossible?

the movie will be Impossible.

I thought it impossible to get assaulted over duck puns...

...But my target finally quacked.

What makes it impossible for cats to live on Mars?

Curiosity

What type of fruit is impossible to marry?

Cantaloupe

My mother said it would be impossible for me to be a bartender

I tend to disagree

A physicist on trial for murder stated that Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle made it impossible to place him at the scene of the crime

The judge gave him a life sentence and told him to use his expertise to determine what quantity of his person was within or outside of prison at any given time

Heavenly Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And alt...

My friend told me that I'm a nihilist, but that's impossible.

I don't live anywhere near that river.

Why is it impossible to hastily commute whilst abstaining from ingesting food or beverage and surrounded by foes?

Because you cannot fast travel when enemies are nearby

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